Original airdate: March 12, 2004
Transcribed by Pixie Queen
Transcript courtesy of Wonderfallstv.net
(Episode starts with Jaye narrarating over images of people vacationing, holding cameras and snapping photos seeing the falls) Jaye:
Boy: So, what about the legend?
Jaye: I'm getting to that.
Boy: I wanna hear about the Maid of the Mist
(A huge boat is shown with an indian princess encarved in it, overtop the water fountian while they are talking then it switches to a pair of view finders to see an old man looking at the falls through them,while Jaye starts telling the story images over lap once again showing indians.)
Jaye: Okay, so, there was this God who lived in the waterfall and these Indians were all afraid of him because he kept killing people. They were like, "Hey, how do we get this guy to stop killing everybody?" And someone said, "Hey let's give him presents". So, they gave him all this stuff and he was still mad, so, they figured well, if he likes killing people so much then then why don't we just kill some people for him? So, the chief volunteers his daughter 'cause he thinks that's honorable, or something.
(Images were being shown of gift baskets, animals and finally the Indian tribe Princess walking off, and a lamp shade with the princess in a boat being turned on, and the chief in his own boat paddles after her as the images on the lamp shade move as Jaye continues speaking)
Jaye: And they toss princess in a boat and send her down the river.
Boy: Native American's never practiced human sacrifice.
Jaye: Don't interrupt me again. The chief does the whole, "Oh- My- God, What- Have- I- Done?" And paddles his canoe out to save her. But princess wasn't having any of that.
(Princess can be seen shaking her head no as the canoe travels out into the river, Jaye's still speaking)
Jaye: She's all, "No, No, I surrender to destiny". Famous last words. Seriously, they put it on bathrobes and stuff.
(Video shows tape box saying "I surrender to destiny!" during this as the princess falls over the edge and the chief on the video speaks "No!" as Jaye continues narrarating)
Jaye: Anyway, so then Princess takes the plunge.But it's all good 'cause the God thought the daughter was hot so he spared her life.
(TV shows the canoe and the Princess being engulfed by the god of the waterfall then disappear back into the waterfall)
Jaye: He promised, if she stayed with him in the cave he'd forgive her people and protect and enchant their land until the end of time.
(Postcard of "Greetings from Niagara Falls" is shown as Jaye continues speaking as people are moving around and the statue above the waterfall is being shown as again as the cameras turn to shop doors finally showing Jaye who is a store clerk telling the story looking bored out of her mind as she speaks to the boy)
Jaye: So, she agreed to live with the God in the waterfall and became Maid of the Mist. And thanks to Princess, Niagra has remained an enchanted wonderland dispite hundreds of years of commerical delvelopment.
Boy: (holding the tape of "I surrender to destiny") What happened to the chief?
Jaye: He died.
Boy: Why'd the Princess live?
Jaye: 'Cause she was hot. You gonna buy the tape?
Boy: No.
Jaye: Then get out. No loitering.
(Jaye leaves the boy who plops the video tape down ontop a pile of merchandise she is fluffing minutes later as the TV continues in the background right before Alec speaks to her.)
Alec: Peggy said the votive candle canoes need to be re-stocked.
Jaye: I'm with a customer.
Alec: So am I.
(A delivery man walks in and approaches them both, holding his clipboard while speaking to them.)
Delivery Man: Morning, Jaye.
Jaye: (taking the clipboard and signing for the packages then handing it back to him) Morning.
Delivery Man: Have a good one.
Jaye: Yup, alright.
(Delivery Man walks off as girl in the background speaks up to Jaye)
Girl: Jaye? Oh, my God, is that you?!
(Jaye turns and walks up to her)
Jaye: (weakly chuckles) Gretchen
Girl: Hi! Last time I saw you was at graduation. How random is this?
Jaye: Pretty random. What are you doing here?
Girl: Funeral. Oh, my God, so much has changed since high school. Check it out. (shows off ring) I sacked such a good one. He loves that I grew up in Niagara so I'm picking up so I'm picking up a few souveniers. I guess I should call them tchotchkes now that I'm Jewish. Coverted for love.
Jaye: So, you don't really believe in it.
Girl: Oh, stop. So how 'bout you? Did you wind up over-educated and unemployable like you said in the yearbook?
Jaye: Yeah. Went to Brown, got a philosophy degree. Now I work here.
Girl: (giggling) Really? Your parents must've plotzed.
Jaye: They're happy if I'm happy.
Girl: Are you happy?
Jaye: (walks behind counter while talking) Why don't I ring those up for you?
Girl: But you are the manager, right?
(Jaye starts thinking ahead..... as Peggy the manager is speaking to her and Alec in an office)
Peggy: I just want to start out by saying that this was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make in my entire life. But I have to go with an assistant manager who's more (voice starts in slow mo) of a people person and can deal with the day in, day out trials and tribulations . And the managerial path to retail management.. (voice is garbled as Peggy hands the assistant manager pin to Alec, who is looking shocked) What's good for business is good for all of us. (voice echos) No one here is a loser.
(Switches to Jaye, in the present sitting on the edge of the waterfall eating a sandwhich and watching Alec)
Alec: Welcome to Wonderfalls. Thank you for shopping at Wonderfalls ma'am. Welcome to Wonderfalls, would you like an escort?
Old Woman: Yes.
(Jaye starts choking on the sandwhich she bit into looking around frantically as she tries to catch her breath, dropping to her knees, as a man passes by her who dropped his quarter and it landed in front of her)
Man: Sorry, that's my quart.. that's okay. You can keep it.
(As he walks off Jaye flings the quarter up into the air and it bounces off the Maid of The Mist statue in the waterfall hitting her in the head)
Jaye: Ow!
(It lands in the water after she throws it again and the quarter glimmers in the light as Jaye goes off back to work.. A woman has her purchases on the table one of them is a wax lion from a machine in the corner)
Woman: You didn't give me my discount and this lion is defective.
Jaye: What?
Woman: The face, it's all funky.
Jaye: (eyeing the wax lion) The vending machine's not ours. If you have a complaint there's a number on the side.
Woman: What about my discount?
Jaye: What about it?
Woman: (pulling out purse) I'm a guest at the Hillcrest. We're supposed to get 10% off local merchants.(shows a coupon) one of which is you.
Jaye: That discount has to be presented at the time of purchase.
Woman: My ass, I'm presenting it now.
Jaye: Did you just say, "my ass"?
(People turn to look as Alec approches and speaks to them)
Alec: I'm sorry, ma'am is there a problem here?
Woman: Yeah, I want my discount.
Jaye: She didn't present....
Alec: May I see your reciept please? (woman hands it to him as he rings the purchase up) Your discount comes to....$3.86. Take it out of the till. I apologize for the confusion.Enjoy your stay.
Woman: Just give me four ones.
Wax Lion: Word of advice.. don't give her money back.
(Jaye looks panicked then down at the Wax Lion then back up to the Woman giving her the money back)
Wax Lion: Don't.
Woman: Thank you.
(The Woman walks out of the store and is mugged by a man who steals her purse)
Woman: Hey! That guy just stole my purse. Get back here you son of a bitch. I'm gonna kick your ass!
(Back in the store...)
Wax Lion: Told ya.
(Alec appears behind Jaye with the phone)
Alec: (holding out the phone) Your mother is on the phone she wants to speak to you. (starts watch) We're allowed two minutes for personal calls.
Jaye: (takes phone) Hello, mother.
(Jaye faints)
(Jaye's trailer apartment.. her family is there and Jaye is locked in her bedroom and her mother is knocking on the door)
Karen: Sweetheart.
Darrin: Sweetheart.
Karen: Everyone's here. Untie the door and let us in.
Darrin: What's she doing back there?
Aaron: Maybe she's taking a dump.
Karen: Must you be such a sow?
Sharon: The mouth-breather at the store said she went pale, twitched a couple of times and passed out.
Darrin: Well, that doesn't sound good.
Karen: He called it a " 'sode", short for "episode".
Jaye: I'm fine! You can go home now.
Karen: Sweetheart, you're not fine you had a 'sode
Jaye: Just low blood sugar. Ate a Snickers. Thanks for coming.
Sharon: If this is an intervention, shouldn't we be intervening?
Darrin: Who said anything about an intervention?
Karen: It's not so much an intervention as it is a collective expression of concern.
Sharon: You said intervention.
Karen: Well, it got you here, didn't it? You both came out of me. I don't understand why you have to be so snarky.
Sharon: Stolen baby-sitting money, stolen make-up, stolen car.
Darrin: Did anybody examine her?
Karen: A very handsome paramedic said he couldn't find anything physically wrong. Didn't you think he was handsome?
Sharon: Please, stop asking me that.
Darrin: Paramedic is not qualified to tell you that nothing is wrong.
Aaron: It's not physical, it's emotional. She lives in a trailer park. Clearly, she's disturbed. I mean, clearly.
Karen: She's not disturbed. She's depressed. And they have pills for that now. Can't you perscribe something?
Darrin: You can't just start popping pills just because you're down. There are other ways to deal with depression. Sweetheart....when's the last time you had an orgasm?
Sharon: That sound you hear is stunned silence.
Darrin: There's nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of people have orgasms everyday.
Jaye: Not ashamed. Mortified.
Darrin: Maybe she should talk to Dr. Ron.
Karen: I really don't want her talking to my therapist. She'll give him ideas.
Jaye: Don't need therapy. All better now.
Sharon: I think we should put her down.
Karen: Sharon.
Aaron: It is just like going to sleep.
Karen: (muffled through the door) We're not gonna put you down sweetheart. We just want to understand what happened to you.
(Jaye is staring at the Wax Lion from the store)
(Doctors office)
Doctor: Tell me about your family.
Jaye: I really don't wanna gossip.
Doctor: Would you say your family life is stressful?
Jaye: Not that I'm aware of. Does my mother say it's stressful?
Doctor: We're not talking about your mother.
Jaye: Not yet.
Doctor: Do you feel pressured to live up to your mothers expectations?
Jaye: I thought we weren't talking about my mother.
Doctor: We're not. We're talking about you.
(A little golden monkey statue is on the doctors desk flipping through a book)
Jaye: I'm confused.
Doctor: That's perfectly normal.
Golden Monkey Statue: Perfectly normal.
(Jaye sets her bag infront of the monkey statue)
Doctor: I understand there's some animosity between you and your sister. Care to elaborate?
Jaye: She hates me.
Doctor: "Hate" is such a strong word.
Jaye: Yeah, well, what are you going to do?
Doctor: How does that make you feel?
Jaye: One less person to worry about.
Doctor: When's the last time you told your sister you loved her?
Jaye: I don't know how you did things in your family, but we weren't raised that way.
Golden Monkey Statue: (peering out from behind Jaye's bag) I love you.
(Bar..Jaye's drinking with a friend next to her, the same monkey on the bar top is next to her arm)
Mahandra
: Why'd you steal that monkey?Jaye: It told me to.
Mahandra
: Is it gonna tell me to steal something?Jaye: I'd be so happy if it did. You have no idea.
(Jaye takes another drink, sets it back down)
Jaye: I ran into Gretchen Speck today and her hair looked looked like carpet.
Mahandra
: I always hated her. Remember when she wiped her ass with Margaret Waye's gym towel?Jaye: Oh, yeah, that was really mean.
Mahandra
: Yeah.Jaye: I fainted today
Mahandra
: What?Jaye: Word on the street is it's stress.
Mahandra
: You don't have stressJaye: I have lots of stress I work in retail. By the way, the mouth-breather is now my boss, You should have seen my mother when she found out. Looked like she just dried her face with Margaret Wayne's gym towel. I think I acrually enjoyed telling her.
Mahandra
: Of course you did, you're spiteful.Jaye: Nuh-uh.
Mahandra
: Uh-huh. You're "spiteful", in the way the defintion of spiteful doesn't quite prepare you for.Jaye: (jaw drops) Oh!
Mahandra
: Don't drop your jaw at me. Disappointing your family is an extreme sport for you.Jaye: Well, just look at them. They all work really hard everyday, and they're all dissatisfied. I mean I can be dissatisfied without hardly working at all.
Mahandra
: Mmh. And now you're hardly working for a mouth-breather who's stil in high school. And I say that without judgement.Jaye: I'd so wanna storm out on you right now, but if I stand up I'll fall.
Mahandra
: Okay I gotta get back to work. Can I get those kamikazes?Eric: I just gave them to you.
Mahandra
: Yeah we drank those. We need four more (to Jaye) He's new.(Eric goes to get the drinks and his cellphone starts ringing)
Jaye: Your ass is ringing.
(Eric sets down the drinks)
Eric: My ass rings alot.
Jaye: You ever think about setting it on vibrate?
Eric: I'm not sure I'm secure enough with my manhood to do that. (hands her the drink) Here it's on the house.
Jaye: Right on. So, why do you have an ass if you don't answer it?
Eric: Well, I used to answer it. I just haven't answered it since I got married and that was like, uh, six days ago. Yeah, her names Hedi. She's obsessed with bed linens. (Eric is thinking back to a hotel) She was my college sweetheart.
Doorman: Welcome to the honeymoon suite.
Eric: Married in New Jersey, honeymoon in Niagara. It was like a fairytale.. until I caught her with the bellman in our room.
(Eric walks through the door opening it up to find his wife and the bellman with the bellman watching her)
Bellman: Sweet.
Eric: Honey? (talking over leaving and going into the bar) I guess the sheets had an 800-thread count and she couldn't control herself. I walked out of the honeymoon suite and into the bar and cried for three days until someone gave me a job.
(Jaye passes him the drink instead and he drinks it)
Jaye: Don't you have work in New Jersey?
Eric: I'm pretty sure they're going to fire me when I don't show up.
Jaye: That's awesome.
Eric: You know, I've been thinking. I'm almost numb enough to start something on the rebound. What do you say?
Jaye: Sweet of you to offer, but.. I may be clinically insane. You might wanna hold out for someone a little more stable.
Eric: I don't think that'd be as interesting.
(Jaye picks up her coat and leaves. Next day at the Wonderfalls store, Jaye is watching "I surrender to destiny" on the TV as the Delivery man arrives again)
Jaye: Hey.
(She signs for the packages)
Delivery Man: How bout this weather,huh?
Jaye: Oh yeah.
Delivery Man: Great.
Wax Lion: Ask him about the ring.
(Jaye mouths "Oh, God")
Wax Lion: Ask him.
Jaye: (whispering) Don't talk to me.
Wax Lion: Ask him about the ring. The one he doesn't wear.
Delivery Man: Have a good one.
(He walks off)
Wax Lion: Ask him
Jaye: (whispering fiercely) Shut up.
Delivery Man: (turning around) Sorry?
Jaye: Have a nice day.
Delivery Man: Thanks.
Wax Lion: (singing) Hello my baby..
Jaye: Stop it
Wax Lion: You stop. Ask him. (singing) Hello, my honey. Hello my...ragtime gal. Send me a kiss by wire. Baby my hearts on fire.
Jaye: (running up to the delivery man) Hey. Sorry. What happened to your wedding ring?
(Delivery Man thinks back to his wife leaving him)
Delivery Man: What'd I do wrong? (to Jaye) I, uh.. I don't wear it anymore. (clears throat) We talked about this, remember?
Jaye: We did? No, we didn't.
Delivery Man: Yeah, sure we did. The.. the divorce.
Jaye: Oh, yeah. Now I remember.
Delivery Man: I still don't know what I did wrong.
Jaye: Uh-huh. So, what happened to the ring?
Delivery Man: (voice cracks) I, uh.. pawned it.
Jaye: Oh.
Delivery Man: (cries) I'm sorry (opens the door) I gotta go.
(He leaves and Jaye stares after him turning back to the Wax Lion)
Jaye: Poor bitch. You made me make him cry.
Wax Lion: Huh.
(Jaye watches out the window as the Delivery Man puts a quarter in the waterfall and walks off)
Wax Lion: See a penny pick it up.
(Jaye is standing outside the waterfall later and sees the quarter. She rolls up her sleeve and puts her hand at the bottom trying to pick it up as a girl waalks by)
Girl: You're not supposed to steal.
Jaye: And you're not supposed to talk to strangers. Piss off.
(The girl runs off as Jaye gets it then it's screeches at her, and she throws it, leading it to roll in the street and down some stairs as Jaye follows it and it lands in a boys bag as he picks the bag up and gets on his bike and Jaye follows him running down the street)
Jaye: What am I doing? Hey! Stop. Hey! That's my quarter. Screw it.
(Boy rides by a trashcan and puts the bag in it as Jaye runs over and digs the bag out of the trash getting the quarter out as an elderly couple stares at her)
Jaye: What?
(They walk off as a gleem catches Jaye's eye in the trash. It's the woman's purse she picks it up and looks at it)
Jaye: You've gotta be kidding.
(Jaye's trailer home.. she's eating and eyeing the Lion speaking)
Jaye: So we got Poor Bitch.. and his ring which led us to the quarter... and the quarter led us to the purse, which was empty. Was that supposed to mean something? Is it a metaphor? Are you Satan? Are you God? Ok, if you don't say something in the next five seconds I'm going to assume you're Satan.
(The Wax Lion remains quiet and not speaking)
Jaye: One- Mississippi, Two- Mississippi, Three- Mississippi, Four-Mississ..Oh, God. I'm a crazy person.
(Jaye is knocking on the door of the woman who owns the purse)
Jaye: I found your purse.
(The woman takes it and looks in it)
Woman: Where's my wallet? My brush, my tampons? I had alot of very expensive makeup in this bag.
Jaye: It was in the garbage.
Woman: And how'd you find it? Wednesday your day to dig through the trash?
Jaye: Your voice just got loud.
Woman: You bet your ass my voice just got loud. Because, you and your little friend stole my purse.
Jaye: What?
Woman: Morley Safer did a whole thing in identity theft. I know how you people work. Little packs, preying on tourists. You're probably here right now, trying to trick me into telling you my mother's madien name, you bitch.
(The Woman's daughter is over in the corner hearing all of this)
Jaye: I came here to be nice. I knocked on 71 doors looking for your sorry ass just to be nice. My knuckles are raw..
(The Woman punches Jaye and then Jaye and the Woman start fighting going into the apartment. A phone is ringing as Sharon wakes up from sleeping in her bed and answers)
Sharon: Hello?
(Jaye and the Woman are being surrounded by police and radios looking wreckless and as if they had fought)
Jaye: Oh, my God. Look at your toenails. Do you trim those with pliers?
Cop: Go right in.
(Sharon comes in the hotel room with a cop behind her, shocked)
Sharon: What is wrong with you?
(They leave the Motel)
Sharon: You're 24. "Troubled teen", is no longer flattering on you.
Jaye: (walking off) Nice talking to you.
(Sharon takes her shoe off and hits Jaye in the back of the head with it)
Sharon: You better stop!
Jaye: Ow. That was dramatic.
Sharon: If you really wanted this to be dramatic, you should have called Mom.
(Sharon puts her shoe back on)
Jaye: What's that supposed to mean?
Sharon: "Grow up", is what it means. Getting arrested for disorderly conduct?
Jaye: She hit me first.
Sharon: Oh, that is so surprising. I can't imagine why anyone would ever wanna hit you. And fainting at work, what is that about? Are you starving yourself again?
Jaye: Why are you being such a cow? You're my sister.
Sharon: You tell people we're not related.
Jaye: It was just that one time
Sharon: It was Grandpa's wake.
(Car alarm beeps as Sharon goes over to the car)
Jaye: Well, you always have such a bug up your ass.
Sharon: Just curious how many people did you call before you called me?
Jaye: Five. No, six. You were the only one home.
(Sharon gets in the car and drives off, revealing the Woman's daughter standing in the parking lot)
Woman's Daughter: Thanks for finding my Mom's purse.
Jaye: You're welcome.
(Girl walks off. Later Jaye is setting in the bar)
Mahandra: What happened to you?
Jaye: I was accousted by a middle-aged Texan hausfrau during an act of kindness.
Mahandra: Why were you performing an act of kindness?
Jaye: Just wanted to see what it was like. Do you think crazy people know their crazy?
Mahandra: Crazy -insane? Or crazy like when I put a video camera in my house and pretended I was on "Big Brother"?
Jaye: Crazy-insane. Supposedly when you think you're crazy, you're really not. Think that's true?
Mahandra: Um.. give me context.
Jaye: Know that vending machine that makes little wax animals?
Mahandra: Yeah.
Jaye: Well, it made a little smooshed-faced lion. And it talked to me.
Mahandra: What did it say?
Jaye: It told me not to give a customer her money back.
Mahandra: Was she being a bitch?
Jaye: Yeah.
Mahandra: There you go.
Jaye: Maybe you didn't hear me.
Mahandra: I heard you. I think it's natural to embody the world around us with consiousness.
Jaye: You do?
Mahandra: Yeah, it's all that tree-hugging crap. Like when the Native American's..
Jaye: Indians.
Mahandra: Like when Indians say that everything has a soul. The wind, your cellphone, the little smooshed-faced lion. They all have souls.
Jaye: Uh-huh. But when I say it talked to me, I mean it opened it's mouth and words came out.
Mahandra: I know.
Jaye: It blinked.
Mahandra: I'm sure it did.
Jaye: And you don't have a problem with that?
Mahandra: Do you?
Jaye: Yeah, it's upsetting.
Mahandra: You know what this is? This all a repressed psychological response to the belief that everything has a soul. And what happens when you repress something?
Jaye: It goes away?
Mahandra: It comes back all crazy and pissed off. So if you act like that little wax lion doesn't have a soul, then that little wax lion gets revenge when you start freaking out and thinking it's talking to you.
Jaye: So.. I'm not crazy?
Mahandra: I don't know.. maybe.
(She walks off leaving Jaye who is consuming her drink. Next day at the Wonderfalls store...)
Narrator: The Princess approaches the boat..
Jaye: Don't get in the boat.
Narrator: And with stoic determination she climbs in.
Jaye: Dumbass.
Alec: Hey, if you're looking for something to do the name patches need to be re-alphabetized.
Jaye: I'm folding.
Alec: No, you're not. You're pretending to fold...
(Jaye's mother comes in, with her sister following)
Karen: Hello, sweetheart.
Jaye: Hello, mother.
(Alec leaves her alone as her mother approaches her)
Karen: I know you're busy. I hate to bother you at work. How is everything?
Jaye: Just swell.
Karen: Good, good. I need to talk to you about the monkey.
Jaye: What monkey?
Karen: The one you stole from Dr. Ron's office. And he'd like it back and he's refusing to see me until he gets it so you should take care of that right away.
Jaye: I didn't take the monkey.
Karen: Sharon? Another cigarette? Aren't your finger tips yellow enough?
(Sharon exits the store)
Karen: Of course, you took the monkey sweetheart. He put a security camera in his office after that Olsen girl stabbed herself and told everyone he tried to kill her.
Jaye: Oh, okay then, I guess I have the monkey. Can't you just buy him a new one?
Karen: No, I can't just buy him a new one. (looks out the window) Ooh, your sister's talking to a very nice looking man (then back to Jaye) Just give Dr. Ron back his monkey. He's the best analyist in the state. I think it's time to do something different with your hair. Let's you and me have a salon date. Bye-bye.
(She leaves and the delivery man enters once again as Jaye signs for the boxes)
Delivery Man: Your sister is hot.
Wax Lion: He thinks your sister's hot.
Delivery Man: Your sister.. wow
(He takes the clipboard and leaves as Jaye eyes the Wax Lion)
Wax Lion: Make me a match
Jaye: You can't talk. You don't have a larynx. If you don't have a larynx you can't talk,get it? You can't talk.
Wax Lion: Make..
Jaye: Hey!
Wax Lion: Oh.
(Jaye's home later that night, Jaye's having trouble sleeping..and can't get to sleep)
Wax Lion: (singing) Sharon and Poor Bitch sitting in a tree.. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage then comes Poor Bitch with a baby carriage. Sharon and Poor Bitch sitting in a tree..
(Morning..Jaye's still tossing and turning..)
Wax Lion: (singing) Sharon, Sharon. Give me your answer true. I'm half crazy, all for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage.
Jaye: If I do this, will you shut up?!
Wax Lion: (singing) Upon the seat of a bicycle built for two. Sharon, Sharon..
(Jaye throws something and knocks the Wax Lion into the trash can near the table)
Wax Lion: (echoing) Make me a match.
( Notes to Sharon from Jaye: "Call me, urgent", "Must see you tonight!", "The Barrel tonight at 8:00 Life or Death", "Wear something slimming" At the bar...Jaye is sticking the lion in the flower pot on the table)
Sharon: This better be good, 'cause I'm having a real hard time getting it up for your drama.
Jaye: She'll have a glass of chardonay. You call that slimming?
Sharon: How many people did you ask to dinner before you asked me?
Jaye: None.
Sharon: Did you get fired again?
Jaye: No. Do you remember Thomas?
Sharon: Who?
Jaye: Cute EPS guy at the store.
Sharon: Oh, vaguely. What about him?
Jaye: Didn't you think he was cute?
Sharon: Not particularly.
Jaye: Why didn't you think he was cute?
Sharon: I don't know, he's not my type.
Jaye: How can you say that? How could you say he's not your type? You could do a lot wors.. Look who's here. Hi, Thomas.
(It's the delivery man from the store)
Jaye: Sharon, you remember Thomas.
Sharon: Hi.
Thomas: (hands her flowers, lays them on the table) Hi, these are for you.
Jaye: Oh, that is so sweet. Look how beautiful those are. I have to go to the bathroom.
Sharon: You just went.
Jaye: No, I didn't.
(She walks off to the bar finding Eric)
Jaye: Psst. Quick get me drunk.
Eric: Jello shooter?
Jaye: Do you have grape?
Sharon: That's not the bathroom.
(Jaye walks off with the shooter. Back at the table..)
Thomas: Jaye seems like she'd be a real nice sister.
Sharon: Yeah. You.. seem like a very nice man..
Thomas: Thank you. You seem like a very nice lady.
Sharon: Right.Just so you know absolutely nothing is gonna happen between us.
Thomas: What?
Sharon: I don't know what you were told but I was brought here under false pretenses
Thomas: She just uh, she told me you thought I was cute.
Sharon: She lied. I don't. I'm really very sorry .
(At the bar..)
Jaye: I guess I thought if I could get my sister laid the little Wax Lion might just shut up.
Eric: The wax lion wanted your sister to have sex?
Jaye: I'm assuming.
Eric: Does the little wax lion ever tell you to burn things or hurt people?
Jaye: He's probably working up to that.
Eric: You're just teasing about the lion, right?
Jaye: Of course.
(Jaye drinks another shooter while back at the table.....)
Thomas: Is it my teeth? 'Cause my ex-wife used to complain about my teeth all the time. 'Cause the bottom ones are kinda crooked. See? It isn't my teeth?
Sharon: It isn't a big plus but it's not the deal-breaker.
Thomas: I'm too sensitive, right? You know, alot of women they don't like that, but I think it makes me a really good kisser.
Sharon: It's not you. Really, it's not. It's me.
Thomas: That old chestnut.
Sharon: If I tell you something, you have to promise you won't breathe a word of it to anyone. Okay?
Thomas: Sure.
Sharon: I'm a lesbian. The reason I'm not attracted to you is your genatils are on the outside.
Thomas: You're just trying them all on for size aren't you?
(Back at the bar)
Jaye: I think the universe is conspiring against me.
Eric: The whole universe?
Jaye: Yeah.
Eric: Not just the Milky Way or, like Planet Earth but the entire universe?
Jaye: All of creation-- it's a plot. I know that now.
Eric: And what's the universe plotting?
Jaye: Couldn't tell you. Vanna hasn't turned over enough letters yet.
Eric: I always thought that Vanna White had a big head.
Jaye: Me too, actually.
Eric: See, simpatico.
Jaye: I think I've been in the bathroom for a really long time.
(Jaye walks back to her sister and Thomas)
Jaye: Sorry. Somebody was just telling me the most interesting story about pirates.
Sharon: (mouth full of food) I'll bet.
Thomas: Is your sister really a lesbian?
Jaye: You need to stop kissing the mirror, buddy. Just 'cause a girls not digging your chilli doesn't mean.. did you have that goiter before?
(A huge lump is in Thomas's throat)
Thomas: Were there peanuts in the salad?
(Tires squeal as Jaye's car is racing down the road with Sharon and Thomas in the back seat)
Jaye: What was that crack about you being a lesbian?
Sharon: Um..
Jaye: Are you a lesbian? I mean, it's not horribly surprising, but are you?
Sharon: What do you mean it's not horribly surprising?
Jaye: You drive an SUV.
(Thomas is wheezing)
Jaye: Is he still breathing?
Sharon: I don't think so.
Jaye: Maybe we should trach him
Sharon: Do you have a pen?
Jaye: Ball point or fine tip?
(Sharon grabs a pen from Jaye and uncaps it quick)
Jaye: Does Mom know?
Sharon: She would unspool.
Jaye: Can I tell her?
Sharon: No!
(Sharon stabs the pen into Thomas's throat. In the hospital...)
Nurse: We have a stabbing victim!
(Thomas is in the hospital on a bed. Jaye and the Doctor are eyeing him)
Doctor: Actually the medium-point bic round stick is the preferred pen for emergency trechiotimies
Jaye: You don't say.
(Sharon is out in the lobby, holding her cigarette's and a woman walks up to her)
Woman: Excuse me. Did you bring in the man with the pen in his throat?
Sharon: Um.. yes.
Woman: I'm his ex-wife. My name is on the emergency contact card in his wallet. Are you his girlfriend?
Sharon: I don't have a girlfriend. I.. I mean I'm not his.. No.
Woman: You have ink on your chin.
Sharon: (laughing) Oh God, how embarrassing.
Woman: Here.
(The woman licks her finger and runs it on the ink spot smearing it slightly over Sharon's mouth staring at one another. The Woman smiles. Later inn the hospital room..)
Jaye: You're not gonna sue us are you? 'Cause it sort of is your fault. As someone with a deadly food allergy you should really learn how to read a menu.
(Sharon and the woman are staring at each other as Thomas let's out a squeaky groan)
Jaye: What are you doing?
Sharon: Nothing.
Jaye: You're being sneaky about something.
Sharon: No, I'm not.
Jaye: Yes, you are.
Sharon: (chuckles) Let it go.
Jaye: Oh, so that's how it is.
Sharon: What?
Jaye: You know what.
Sharon: As delightful as this has been, I have to be in court in the morning. (sighs looking in her wallet) Do you have money for a cab?
Jaye: No.
Woman: I'll give you a ride.
Sharon: Great.
Woman: Great.
Jaye: You don't even know where she's going.
Woman: (to Thomas) Feel better.
(Sharon and the woman leave)
Jaye: At least now you know it wasn't you.
(Thomas let's out a squeaky groan as a nurse comes in and they start eyeing each other)
Jaye: So do they give you morphine, or did you have to ask for it? (Jaye notices the staring) You gotta be kidding me.
(Jaye leaves. The nurse in the room is washing Thomas down and he's enjoying it as evidenced by his squeaks and the loud beeping of the monitor. In Jaye's trailer she walks in to find Sharon there)
Jaye: How'd you get in?
Sharon: (exhales from smoking) I climbed in through the window. You're gonna need a new screen.
Jaye: Couldn't wait in your luxury SUV?
Sharon: I did, but there was this dirty kid eating Spagettio's out of a can and he wouldn't stop staring at me.
Jaye: So you're a lesbian now?
Sharon: Just now.
Jaye: I could see doing a girl.. in prision, if there weren't any guys around.Especially if the girl was Drew Barrymore. What? I'm just trying to be supportive.
Sharon: A--about that, why are you being so nice all of a sudden?
Jaye: I have always been nice to you.
Sharon: No, you have not-- when I was 17, you put a space heater and a litter box in my closet for a week while I was on spring break. You have not always been nice to me.
Jaye: I forgot why I did that.
Sharon: You've never asked me who I was dating, or even if I was interested in anybody and now you're setting me up on a blind date?
Jaye: So what?
Sharon: I'm not complaining. I think it's wonderful, I really do. But you are not the same girl who made all my clothes smell like cat pee. What is going on with you?
Jaye: I don't know. I don't know what's going on with me. I feel like a pinball. I've been bouncing off bumpers and flippers trying to get something to happen but I had no idea what it was.. and then all of a sudden, there's a tracheotomy and you're a lesbian and there's this other lesbian and I was just trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do. But they didn't tell me what it was they just kept trying to make me guess.
Sharon: Who made you guess?
Jaye: Nobody. The proverbial they.
(Sharon puts her arm around Jaye)
Golden Monkey Statue: (whispers, ushering Jaye to go on) I love you.
Jaye: I...love you.
Sharon: I love you, too.
Jaye: I don't feel dirty. I thought I was gonna feel dirty.
Sharon: Because you said, "I love you"?"
Jaye: Mm-hmm. But I don't feel dirty at all, which is surprising. You know, maybe we could say it again sometime. But.. not for a while, and.. not often.
Sharon: How about birthday and holidays?
Jaye: Okay. But never in public.
(Jaye and Sharon sit there with Sharon's arms around her. Later.. at night infront of the water fountian Jaye is standing there eyeing the Maid of the Mist above it and Eric approaches her)
Eric: Why do they always sacrifice the pretty ones?
Jaye: I guess killing pretty people is easier than killing ugly people. Although, you'd think the opposite would be true.
(They both walk away over to the sidewalk to watch the falls)
Eric: You know, I don't get why she just didn't paddle to the other side of the river. I mean, it's not that far.
Jaye: She was "surrendering to destiny".
Eric: Oh, was that it?
Jaye: You know, the Office of Travel and Tourism did this whole "Surrender to Destiny", promotion in the 80's and some cult used it as an endorsement for mass suicide.
Eric: Really?
Jaye: Mm-hmm. Bunch of them piled into canoes and went over the edge. They were pulling bodies out of the river for weeks.
Eric: That wasn't in any of the brochures.
Jaye: There was alot of media coverage. Surprisingly good for business.
Eric: Well, for those of us not in cults, I think there's something to be said for surrendering to destiny. I mean if it's destiny there's probably a reason for it, right?
Jaye: Okay.
Eric: So why struggle with fate? Life can be sort of peaceful when you stop struggling.
Jaye: It's alot like drowning that way.
(Eric nods and they both stare at the falls. The next morning at the Wonderfalls shop Jaye is marking items as Thomas enters the shop and approaches her)
Jaye: Hi.
Thomas: (quietly) Hi. (squeaky) Thank you.
Jaye: What?
Thomas: (squeaky) Thank you.
Jaye: I-- I don't understand what you're saying.
Thomas: (squeaky whispering) Thank you.
Jaye: Stop trying to talk, it's freaking me out. Um.. do you wanna write it down? (Jaye reaches into her pocket and pulls out a pen) Here a pen.
(Thomas backs away)
Jaye: Oh right,sorry. How about something more blunt, like a grease pencil?
( Jaye hands him the pencil and gets a postcard off the display)
Jaye: Here.
Alec: He's paying for that.
Jaye: I know.
(Thomas hands her a postcard reading: "Worst date of my life")
Jaye: Yeah, sorry about that.
(And another: "Best night of my life")
Jaye: Or.. you're welcome.
(Thomas looks over to the woman that was his nurse and hands Jaye another card: "I'm going to marry her")
Jaye: Oh, good. Way to get back on the...
(Jaye looks off and Thomas follows her gaze to see the nurse eyeing another woman)
Jaye: Doesn't mean anything. Probably just looking at the label.
(Thomas nods, squeaking)
Jaye: Yeah.
(Thomas heads over to the girl and they both nod before heading to the door)
Girl: Bye.
Jaye: Bye.
(They leave Jaye then turns look out the window to see a girl throw a quarter in the fountian again as a bear on the shelf speaks up)
Bear: See a penny, pick it up.
Jaye: No. No, no we're done. No more talking from things that don't talk. We had a deal. (points to the wax lion) Ask him. (quietly) We had a deal.
(Alec is staring at her for a moment)
Bear: Don't squeeze the Charmin.
(Jaye looks and see's a person with toliet paper on their shoe walking off)
Bear: (singing) Hello my baby. Hello my honey.
(The bear stops when Jaye grabs it and follows the lady)
Jaye: Hey! Lady! Hey! I think I'm supposed to help you! And by the way you've got toliet paper on your shoe.
(End Episode.)