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TRANSCRIPT:
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Guest Star: Nancy Walls (Carol), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Steve Carell (Michael Scott), Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute), Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), Oscar Nunez (Oscar), Leslie David Baker (Stanley), Kate Flannery (Meredith), John Krasinski (Jim Halpert), Jenna Fischer (Pam Beesly), Brian Baumgartner (Kevin), B.J. Novak (Ryan Howard)


INT. THE OFFICE, CONFERENCE ROOM

(Michael is standing in front of the room holding up little cards with the Puerto Rican flag on it)

Michael: So Phil, has recruited me to sell these cards. And now I'm recruiting you.

Oscar: Who is this guy again?

Michael: Don't worry about Phil, he drives a Corvette. He's doing just fine.

(Dwight takes notes)

Michael: Okay, calling cards, are the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.

Ryan: Who uses calling cards anymore?

Michael: You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan. I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend.

Oscar: It sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme.

Michael: Yes, thank you. You will get rich quick. We all will.

Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the e-mail?

Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay? All right. So raise your hand if you want to get rich. (Jim and Dwight raise their hands) All right.

(Michael points at Jim, Stanley goes back to his crossword puzzle)

Jim: No. Um, how is this not a pyramid scheme?

Michael: All right, let me explain again.

(Michael clears a new sheet on his flip chart)

(Jim looks at the camera)

Michael: Phil, has recruited me and another guy. Now we are getting three people each. (Michael diagrams it on the flip chart) The more people that get involved, the more people who are investing, and the more money we're all gonna make.

(Jim gets up and takes the marker from Michael)

Michael: It's not a pyramid scheme.

(Jim draws three lines around Michael's diagrams to form a triangle)

Michael: It's not even a scheme, per se, it's...(looks at Jim's drawing)

(Everybody is silent, Michael continues to stare at the diagram)

Michael: I have to go make a call.

CUT TO INTRO WITH CREDITS

INT. THE OFFICE

(Michael walks in with a new suit and a bag)

(Michael walks over to reception and knocks on the counter)

(Pam hands him his messages)

Pam: Happy Birthday, Michael.

Michael: Oh ho ho, what?

Pam: (louder) I said Happy Birthday.

Michael: Thank you. That's really nice.

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL

Michael: Today is my b-day and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh, fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So I have a perfect icebreaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.

CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE

(Michael is walking to his office)

Michael: What's up?

Jim: Hi. Oh, Happy Birthday.

Michael: Ah, thank you sir.

CUT TO THE BREAKROOM

(Kevin is sitting at a table, looking morose)

Meredith: Did you hear anything yet?

Kevin: No, I'm still waiting.

CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE

(Someone knocks on his door)

Michael: Yeah.

Dwight: Yes. There he is, the birthday boy.

Michael: Oh, God.

Dwight: Birthday hug.

(Dwight starts leaning in for a hug)

Michael: No, no, no. New suit. Please.

Dwight: That suit is amazing.

Michael: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. Actually, no, (looks at the tag) Bulgaria.

Dwight: Mm.

Michael: So...

Dwight: Maybe I should get one.

Michael: Good luck. One of a kind.

Dwight: eBay. Question. May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?

Michael: Not necessary. The party planning committee is all over it. They've been working 24/7 all day yesterday.

Dwight: Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the-

Michael: Don't. No. Please. Don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise.

Dwight: Let's get the party started. Boop boop. (starts pushing his palms forward into the air)

Michael: Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you. (Michael starts pumping his hands into the air and humming a beat)

(Dwight joins in with bass sounds)

CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM

Phyllis: When should we bring out the cake? 1:00 or 1:30?

Pam: 1:00's good.

Angela: 1:30.

(Pam starts yawning)

Angela: I'm sorry. Are we boring you?

(Pam is caught unaware)

Pam: (quietly) I don't know why you say that....

(Dwight walks in)

Dwight: Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake. So make that a priority.

Phyllis: Where do we get those?

Dwight: Not my problem. Here's a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by.

(Pam looks at the list)

Pam: Michael wants a strippergram?

Dwight: Yes but he doesn't want to know when or whom.

Angela: No. This is a closed door meeting.

(Dwight looks at Angela as if to say, "Don't embarrass me here.")

(Angela sternly looks back at him as if to say, "You will listen to me.")

(Dwight concedes and leave the room)

(Angela sighs, Pam looks at her confused)

CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE

(Ryan is sitting across from Michael)

(Michael's phone rings)

Michael: Yeah.

Pam: (on speaker phone) Michael, I have Jan on the line.

Michael: Oh great. Put her through.

Jan: (on phone) Hello, Michael.

Michael: Hey, you.

Jan: I'm returning your call, you said it was urgent.

Michael: It is urgent. I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.

Jan: Well, today's not my birthday, so.

Michael: Really? 'Cause I thought we had the same birthday.

Jan: Happy Birthday, Michael.

Michael: Thanks.

Jan: Am I on camera?

Michael: Nope. (looks at Ryan) Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart.

(Jan hangs up)

Michael: (to Ryan) You can take a five if you want.

CUT TO THE KITCHEN

(Michael unwraps the doughnuts he brought in and positions himself in front of the coffee maker with one hand on the decanter)

(He stays in that position, looking at both doorways)

(He sees Stanley coming in and finally picks up the coffee pot)

Michael: Somebody brought in doughnuts for my birthday.

Stanley: Happy Birthday.

(Stanley grabs a doughnut and walks out)

Michael: Thanks.

CUT TO KEVIN'S DESK AREA

Jim: Man, I'm so sorry. When do you find out?

Kevin: They said this afternoon. They're waiting on a second opinion.

Jim: Oh, okay.

Kelly: Second opinion on what?

Kevin: Um, I might have skin cancer.

Kelly: Oh no. I was watching "Grey's Anatomy", and there was a lifeguard on it. And he had skin cancer too.

Jim: Kelly, you know what...(shakes his head slightly)

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF KELLY

Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. (thinks about it) That and my sister's.

CUT TO THE KITCHEN

(Michael is still standing by the doughnuts)

Toby: Who brought in doughnuts?

Michael: Somebody got doughnuts for my birthday.

Toby: Happy Birthday.

Michael: You didn't know it was my birthday.

Toby: I guess I forgot.

Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a doughnut. (closes the lid)

Toby: You serious?

Michael: Mm.

(Toby walks off shaking his head)

CUT TO THE ACCOUNTING AREA

Oscar: Skin cancer is treatable.

Kevin: Right.

Oscar: It's gonna be okay.

Angela: You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. (Kevin looks at Angela) It's probably nothing though.

CUT TO RECEPTION

(A delivery lady walks in with a big package)

Delivery lady: Hi. Delivery for Michael Scott.

(Michael walks out of his office)

Michael: Here we go. Okay, this is great. Thank you, my friends, she is perfect. Uh. Dwight, may I have your chair please? And some singles, if you will. All right.

(Phyllis looks at Michael confused)

(Michael slips a folded dollar into the delivery lady's shirt pocket)

Michael: Nnnn-dink. (laughs) Okay. Um...all right. This has arms. Is that gonna be, uh- Is that all right?

Delivery lady: (confused) S-sure.

Michael: (laughs) Okay. I'm so nervous.

Pam: I can sign for it.

Delivery lady: Oh, thanks.

(Michael realizes the she is JUST a delivery lady and nothing more)

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL

Michael: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids. And I got a really bad rash, from the pony. And all the kids got to ride the pony. And I had to go inside. And my mother was rubbing cream on me for probably three hours. And I never came outside. And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck and around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.

CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE

(Dwight is playing Billy Joel's "For the Longest Time" on his recorder as Michael stuffs his face with the doughnuts)

Michael: Stop it. Stop! What is that?

Dwight: It's For the Longest Time by William Joel. It's one of your favorite songs.

Michael: Yeah, when it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster.

(The camera cuts to a giant photo of Michael outside of his office)

(Only Dwight has signed it, "Happy Birthday Michael, [heart] Dwight")

Michael: Apparently my mother is the only one who cares enough to send me anything.

(In the background is one of those cheesy light up pictures)

Dwight: I probably care more than she does.

Michael: You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this.

(The camera zooms in on the picture of James Dean, his cigarette blinks on)

CUT TO THE KITCHEN

(Jim and Pam are sitting at the table)

Pam: When does he hear?

Jim: Sometime today.

Pam: Poor Kevin.

Pam: (VO) If I knew I had a week to live...

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM

Pam: ...would probably go to Europe...and South America...and the Grand Canyon...and I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. It would be a pretty busy week.

CUT TO DWIGHT'S DESK AREA

(Dwight is talking on the phone to a customer)

Dwight: Uh, that's a list price of $4.50. Unfortunately, this item is on back...(his watch beeps)...order. (hangs up on the customer) Michael! Michael! Michael, Michael, Michael. Come here, come here, come here.

Michael: (laughs) What? What?

Dwight: Listen up, everyone. It is 11:23 exactly. The exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal. So, huh? Right? Have a seat, please.

Michael: Oh, God.

Dwight: There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.

Michael: Oh, no.

Dwight: So come over, help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin.

Michael: (embarrassed) Oh, no, no, no.

Oscar: I'll do it.

Michael: Ryan, come on. Let's do this.

Dwight: Creed. Come on, Stanley, let's go.

(The camera zooms in on Pam and Jim watching from the kitchen)

Pam: I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here?

Jim: Maybe, but were going to need somebody to create a diversion and...

(Pam laughs, Jim smiles)

Dwight: (OS) On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready?

Michael: Okay.

(Everybody gets ready to lift Michael)

Dwight: Happy birth moment, Michael.

Michael: Thank you.

Dwight: One, two, three.

(They lift Michael up quickly)

Michael: Whoa, whoa. (he crashed into the ceiling tile) All right. All right. Watch it, please.

Dwight: Oscar.

Oscar: It wasn't me.

CUT TO LATER

(A delivery guys walks in with boxes of sandwiches)

Dwight: Okay, that is not an eight-foot sub.

Delivery Guy: We don't make an eight-foot sub. This is eight one-foot subs.

Dwight: F. All right, what's the damage?

Delivery Guy: 39.60.

Dwight: (counts out exactly 39 bills) 39. (digs in his pocket for coins) 60.

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT

Dwight: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

CUT TO THE BREAK ROOM

(Michael and Dwight are setting up the sandwiches)

Dwight: Here they come.

Michael: Get in here.

Dwight: Come and get it.

Michael: Everybody. Birthday party subs. My gift to you.

Oscar: What is this?

Dwight: Baloney, tomato, and ketchup.

Michael: The best.

Stanley: These are all the same.

Michael: Yes.

Angela: Baloney? I don't eat baloney.

Michael: Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good.

Angela: No.

Michael: Just the bread. It's fresh baked.

Angela: No.

Michael: Okay. (puts the sandwiches away) Get whatever you want. (under his breath) You can choke on it.

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL

Michael: When I was 16, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with. So she went out with him on my birthday. And she got him a cake at the restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday. But I heard about it the next day in school. So, that was the worst birthday I think I ever had.

CUT TO THE DRUG STORE           

(Pam and Jim are walking down an aisle with a cart full of noodle cups)

Jim: (to camera) So, we got Kev some stuff. Um, party pack of M&Ms, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie. And he lent it to Creed. So I can guarantee you he won't get that back.

Pam: 69 Cup of Noodles.

Jim: Which we realize sounds crass, but it is his favorite number.

Pam: And his favorite lunch.

CUT TO THE OFFICE KITCHEN

(Ryan is making a sandwich)

(Dwight walks in and gets the birthday cake out of the fridge)

Dwight: Hey, temp, you know, uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left.

Ryan: Someone ate three feet of that thing?

Dwight: Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake.

(Angela walks in)

Angela: Oh, thank you. (tries to grab the cake)

Dwight: Oh, I got it.

Angela: What are you- it's the party planning committee.

(They have a little tug of war with the cake)

Dwight: (in a low voice) This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything. (he raises and eyebrow to Angela)

Angela:(in an irritated whisper) Fine.

(Angela turns to walk out)

Dwight: What about that meeting...later to discuss (looks at Ryan) finances?

Angela: Yes. (in a whisper) But don't expect any cookie.

Dwight: (whispering) But what if I'm hungry?

(Ryan turns slightly)

Angela: (in a mean whisper) No, cookie.

(Angela turns around and walks out, Dwight looks down sadly)

(Ryan glances at him)

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF RYAN

(Ryan sits there, and darts his eyes from right, to the camera, left, and back to camera)

(He's trying to put together what just happened)

(Opens his mouth to say something, but is speechless)

CUT BACK TO DRUG STORE

(Pam and Jim are walking through the store)

(Pam looks bored)

(Jim grabs a bottle of fabric softener off the shelf and puts it in the cart)

(Pam looks at Jim and grins)

(Jim looks)

Jim: What?

Pam: You use fabric softener?

Jim: Yeah. You don't?

Pam: No, I do.

Jim: Okay. (laughs)

CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE

(Everybody is singing as Dwight brings the birthday cake)

All: Happy Birthday dear Michael. Happy Birthday...

(Kevin's cell phone starts ringing)

(Everybody stops singing and turn to Kevin)

Dwight: To you!

Kevin: (on phone) Hello. Hey.

Michael: Kevin. Respect the birthday, please.

Kevin: (on phone) No, not yet. I will. Thanks. (to Angela) It was just Stacey.

Michael: Are you done? Good. Okay.

Dwight: Here we go.

Michael: I'm gonna...

Dwight: Make a wish.

Michael: ...blow out the candles. Mmm.

(Michael blows out the candles)

Dwight: Yeah! Yay!

(Michael looks at the candles, expecting them to relight)

Michael: I asked for trick candles.

Dwight: Pam was supposed to get them.

Michael: Okay, well, when she comes back, we'll do it again.

(Michael turns around to see everyone around Kevin, Meredith is hugging him)

Michael: Hello. What about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day.

Angela: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.

(Michael finally realizes that something other than his birthday is going on)

Michael: Ha, that sucks. Great. (tries to hide his disapointment) Wow, that's good timing. That's- Sorry. That's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible...terrible news, for the both of us.

(Michael grabs his cake and heads into his office and slams the door)

CUT TO THE DRUG STORE

(Pam and Jim are still walking around)

(Pam looks at her watch)

Pam: We should probably head back.

Jim: Yeah, okay. (he spots the intercom microphone) Oh, I dare you to make an announcement.

Pam: You dare me? How old are you?

Jim: Just quit stalling.

(Pam grabs the microphone)

Pam: (into the microphone) Luke, this is your father. (snickers) Come set the table for dinner.

Jim: (chuckles) Such a dork.

Pam: (into the microphone) Jim Halpert, price check on fabric softener. The kind with the cute-

Clerk: Ma'am, please don't touch that. That is not a toy.

Pam: (into the microphone) I'm sorry. (to clerk) I'm sorry.

Jim: How old are you?

Pam: I hate you.

CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE

(Kevin is meeting with Toby)

Toby: Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is- it's terrible.

(Michael walks up)

Michael: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.

Kevin: Still scary.

Michael: Yeah. But it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.

Kevin: Well, the doctor said a combination of Interferon and Dacarbazine.

Michael: And laughter also.

Toby: I don't really think people are in the laughing mood.

Michael: Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.

Toby: I work here.

Michael: (mimicking) "I work here." All right. Well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss. I think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.

Kevin: If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy.

Michael: Well, you're pretty much driving everybody else here crazy. (catches himself) Crazy with worry.

CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE

(The camera is outside of the office spying on Michael)

(Michael is taping a strip of yellow paper to his wrist)

(He models it for himself)

CUT TO THE OFFICE AREA

(Pam and Jim walk in with plastic bags)

(Pam puts them behind her desks)

(Jim sits down)

Dwight: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom. 'Cause I kicked in all the stalls.

Jim: Well, that's an invasion of privacy. So I'm going to tell Michael.(starts to get up)

(Michael is walking out of his office)

Dwight: Please, don't.

Jim: You, owe me.

(Dwight makes a frustrated face at Jim)

Michael: Excuse me, everyone. Attention, please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place. A place that will make you happy and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun.

Stanley: Is this trip in any way related to your birthday?

Michael: How dare you sir. You're gross.

CUT TO THE ICE SKATING RINK

(The office employees are walking in)

(There is a banner that reads, "Happy Birthday Michael Scott!")

Michael: That should not be there.

Dwight: I'll get someone to take it down.

Michael: No, it's all right. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on. Let's get our skate on.

(Jim and Pam smile at each other)

CUT TO THE RINK

(Kelly is leading a scared Ryan by the hand)

(Ryan can't skate)

Kelly: Don't be scared. You're good.

Ryan: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Kelly: You're good.

(Kelly manipulates Ryan's arm to wrap around her)

Kelly: Oh, hi.

(Oscar is in the middle of the rink, showing off some very impressive figure skating moves)

Ryan: I wanna go-

Kelly: Turn to the right.

(At another area...)

(Jim is helping Pam with her skating with by supporting her with a hand)

Jim: Do you think you can let go?

Pam: No. (laughs)

Jim: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(Michael, in full hockey gear, zooms past Jim and Pam)

Michael: Yeah!

Jim: Is that Michael?

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL

(Michael skates up to the camera)

Michael: Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL. But you're on the road so much. Get no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.

CUT BACK TO THE RINK

(Michael skates up behind Toby and checks him into the boards)

Michael: Ahh! Ha ha ha ha.

CUT TO JIM AND PAM

Pam: I got it!

(Jim smiles at Pam's attempt to skate)

(Michael skates up to them)

Michael: Hey, Pam, all the stuff with Kevin, um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that the next time you're in the shower you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam.

(Jim looks ahead and can't believe Michael is actually saying these words)

Michael: Those things...(points to Pam's chest with his hockey stick)...are like ticking time bags. All right? Think about it. (skates off)

(Pam, silently turns to Jim)

Jim: Something to think about.

(Jim skates off as Pam laughs)

CUT TO KEVIN

(Kevin, Oscar, and Toby are standing together)

Kevin: Just can't relax about it...

(Michael skates up)

Michael: Kevin. Have you heard anything yet?

Kevin: No, not yet.

Michael: Okay, well, Livestrong.

(Holds up his wrist showing his yellow wrist band)

Kevin: Okay, Michael.

Carol: Michael?

Michael: Yeah. Carol?

Carol: Yeah.

Michael: (to camera) She sold me my condo. (to Carol) Hey, was this place on the market or...?

Carol: Uh, no. I don't just sell real estate. My daughter has a skating lesson.

Michael: Oh, these all your kids? (points to a group of kids)

Carol: No, just the front two.

Michael: Oh, hey guys. What's up? You want to go for a ride? Is that okay?

Carol: Sure.

Michael: Cool. All right. (offers his hockey stick) Grab on. Here we go. You ready? Hang on tight. (starts skating with them) All right. We are moving.

(Carol smiles as she watches them)

Michael: We are really moving now.

CUT TO THE ARCADE

(Creed is playing a shooting game with a random kid)

CUT TO THE RINK

(Michael is showing Carol's kids how to skate)

Michael: Push.

(Phyllis skates by with Ryan in tow)

Michael: Good. That's great. You got it.

(Kevin's phone starts ringing)

Michael: 'Scuse me.

Kevin: Hello? Yeah, okay.

(Everybody starts to gather around Kevin)

Kevin: All right. Okay, I will. Thanks. (to everybody) It's negative.

(Everybody cheers)

(Michael looks upset)

Michael: God. (kicks the ice)

(Michael throws off his gloves and tears off the wristband)

Michael: We're going to beat this, okay? We're gonna- come here. (hugs Kevin)

(Kevin looks at Michael confused)

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL

Michael: Well, apparently, in the medicine community, negative means good, which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would be chaos.

CUT TO THE SNACK AREA OF THE ICE SKATING RINK

(Kevin is looking at his card)

Kevin: This is awesome. Thanks you guys.

(The card has a lady in a bikini on the front)

(Michael starts to open his gift)

Michael: Okay, who's this from? Wowie. Look at that jersey.

Dwight: Turn it around. Turn it around.

Michael: Cool. Oh.

Dwight: Show it.

(Michael turns the jersey around to reveal "FROM DWIGHT" in huge letters)

Michael: Great.

Dwight: From Dwight. Number one!

Michael: Thank you, Dwight. That's great. Thanks.

Pam: Michael, this is from all of us.

(Pam looks at everybody as if to say, "Play along, please.")

Michael: Oh, you didn't need to do that. (pulls a box out of the gift bag) Night Swept. This is really amazing. Thank you. I love it.

(Pam smiles at Jim)

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM

Pam: Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool.

CUT TO EARLIER AT THE DRUG STORE

(Pam and Jim are smiling as they pick out Kevin's card)

Pam: (VO) It was a good day.

CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM

Pam: I don't know. It was a good day.

THE END

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Transcribed by NIKKI for http://www.twiztv.com
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