The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of NIKKI.
I do not own the characters in the story (if only). "THE OFFICE" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by REVEILLE PRODUCTIONS and NBC UNIVERSAL TELEVISION. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain. For entertainment and educational purposes only. No infringement intended.
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
==========================


Guest star: Paul Lieberstein (Toby), Creed Bratton (Creed) , Mindy Kaling (Kelly)


INT. THE OFFICE

(Jim is leaning on the reception desk talking to Pam)

Jim: Nothing much what's up with you?

Pam: I cannot believe I feel for that.

(Pam laughs)

(Michael walks in)

Pam: Gosh.

Michael: Ha ha. What? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.

Jim: Um, is it me or does it smell like updog in here?

Michael: What's updog?

Jim: Nothing much, what's up with you?

(Michael thinks about it, then...)

Michael: (laughs) Oh, wow. I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant.

CUT TO STANLEY DESK AREA

(Michael walks up, Stanley is talking on the phone)

Michael: Hey Stanley. Is that jacket made of updog?

Stanley: I'm on the phone.

(Michael walks away without question)

CUT TO LATER IN THE KITCHEN

(Ryan is pouring himself some coffee)

Michael: Mm, what flavor coffee is that, updog?

Ryan: What's that?

Michael: I don't know. Nothing. What's up with you?

Ryan: Huh?

Michael: No. Damn it.

(Michael looks down, he didn't say it right, he walks off)

CUT TO ANOTHER PART OF THE OFFICE

Kevin: What does that mean?

Michael: What does what mean?

Kevin: That thing you just said.

Michael: Just forget it.

(Michael walks away, just then he spots Dwight)

Michael: Dwight. Hey, is it me or does this place smell like updog?

Dwight: What's updog?

Michael: (looks at the camera) Gotcha! (finally, laughs) Oh God! (realizes he forgot something) Crap. Nothing. How are you doing?

Dwight: (oblivious) Good. How are you doing?

Michael: (shakes his head) Mm.

(Michael walks to his office)

(Jim mouths to the camera, "So close.")

CUT TO INTRO WITH CREDITS

INT. THE OFFICE

(Stanley and Phyllis are sorting through mountains and boxes of papers)

(Dwight picks up a trashcan)

Michael: (VO) Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin.

(Kevin throws a file to the trash can, papers spill everywhere)

Michael: (VO) And yes, I know it's January.

(Kevin throws more papers, doesn't care that they miss, Angela looks at Kevin frustrated)

Michael: (VO) I am not an idiot.

(Kelly climbs out from under her desk with a pile of magazines)

Michael: (VO) But if you do your spring cleaning in January...

(Meredith looks around, and discreetly tosses a liquor bottle away)

Michael: (VO) ...guess what you don't have to do in the spring?

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL

Michael: Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well, I say an empty desk means an-

Dwight: Empty mind.

(The camera zooms out to reveal Dwight standing by Michael with a clip board)

Michael: No, that's not- No. That's not what I was going to say.

CUT TO THE OFFICE AREA

(Dwight circles something on the clipboard)

Dwight: Meredith. Men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. (hands her a paper)  They're worn down. Kevin, file drawers. (hands Kevin a paper) Angela, kitchen. Oscar, dusting. Where's Oscar?

Angela: He's out sick.

Dwight: That is unacceptable.

Angela: I agree. It's unacceptable.

(Dwight stares at Angela and gives the tiniest hint of a smile)

(Angela looks back at Dwight and forms a small smile out of the corner of her mouth)

(Kevin looks at both of them)

Kevin: What are you guys doing?

(Angela looks down, Dwight walks away)

CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE

(Michael is reading the paper, Ryan is on the floor sorting paper)

Dwight: Michael.

Michael: Yes.

(Dwight comes in and leans over Michael's desk)

Dwight: (quietly stern) Oscar is out sick.

Michael: On a Friday?

(Dwight nods)

(Cut to a little later, Dwight is next to Michael, dialing his phone)

Dwight: Can I do some of the talking?

Michael: I will do the talking.

Dwight: 'Kay, let him know that I'm here, though.

Oscar: (on speaker phone) Hello?

Michael: What difference does it make that you're here?

Oscar: Hello?

Michael: Hi, Oscar, it's Michael.

Dwight: And Dwight.

Michael: Yeah, um, heard you were under the weather.

Oscar: Yeah, I think I came down with the flu.

(Dwight, on his knees, walks over to Michael's computer)

Michael: Really. Oh, that is a shame. You know, it's cleaning day here today. Could've used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.

(Ryan looks up from the floor, "did I just hear that?")

Oscar: Yeah, I feel terrible about it.

Dwight: (low voice) Ask for his symptoms, I'm on WebMD.

Michael: What are your symptoms?

Oscar: Uh, I have the chills, I'm feeling nauseous, and my head's killing.

(Dwight types some things in)

Dwight: Checks out.

Oscar: Michael, is there anything you need from me? I would like to go back to bed.

Michael: I need you to go to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday, unless you're still sick. So, have a great long weekend.

Oscar: I'll just be sleep-

(Michael turns off the phone before Oscar has a chance to finish)

Dwight: Okay, first impressions.

Michael: He sounded sick.

Dwight: Which is exactly how you'd want to sound, if you wanted someone to think you were sick.

Michael: That's exactly what I was thinking.

Dwight: Question, may I investigate?

Michael: Yeah, drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.

CUT TO RECEPTION

(Kelly is looking through some bridal magazines on the counter)

Pam: I bought my veil.

Kelly: Oh my God, that is so exciting. Can I be a bridesmaid?

(Jim is listening from his desk)

Pam: Um...

Kelly: Listen, you don't have to answer now, but how are you going to do your hair?

Pam: Okay, I was thinking about wearing it down.

(Pam takes her barrette off and lets her hair down, she starts arranging it)

Pam: Kind of like, I don't know, like...

(The camera zooms in on Jim, who is watching Pam with a soft look on his face)

Pam: (OS) ...loose with big curls.

Kelly: You look like an angel, I'm seriously going to cry.

(Pam really does looks very nice, just then Michael appears at his office door)

Michael: Wowee, Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair down like that all the time? It's much sexier.

(Pam puts her barrette back on)

(Michael walks past Jim)

Michael: Man, this must be torture for you.

(Jim looks at Michael, glances at the camera, then to his computer)

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM

Jim: Yeah, on the booze cruise, I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy, and had a couple of drinks. And I confided in the world's worst confidant.

CUT BACK TO JIM'S DESK AREA

(Jim gets up from his desk and walks into Michael's office)

Pam: (OS) Okay.

Jim: Hey, Mike.

(Jim turns around and closes the door to keep the camera out)

Michael: Hey, Jim bag.

Jim: Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That was personal. So, if we could just keep that between you and me, that would be great.

Michael: Really?

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Michael: Who else knows?

Jim: Nobody.

Michael: Wow.

(Michael looks at the camera (which is filming from outside his office) and smiles)

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL

Michael: Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton. Mostly at work. But the fact that he told me his secret and no one else, says everything about our friendship. And it is why I intend on keeping that secret, for as long as I possibly can.

CUT BACK TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE

Michael: My lips are sealed. (singing) My lips are sealed. Bangles.

Jim: All right, great, thank you.

(Jim leaves)

(Michael continues to sing "Our Lips are Sealed" by The Go-Gos)

Michael: Can you hear me, They talk about us, Telling lies

(Jim exits Michael's office, chewing his lip, does a quick double take to the camera)

CUT TO RYAN'S DESK AREA

(Dwight sits on Ryan's desk)

Dwight: Listen, temp, I am conducting a little investigation. So, I am no longer gonna be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?

Ryan: Yeah, I think I can handle it.

Dwight: Dwight, do you think, or do you know?

Ryan: I think.

Dwight: Oh, God. Here.

(Dwight tosses the clip board onto Ryan's lap)

CUT TO BREAK ROOM

(Jim is buying  a soda from the vending machine)

Michael: Hey, whatcha getting?

Jim: I'm going with grape.

Michael: Ah, good stuff. Good stuff.

Jim: Yup.

Michael: See the game last night?

Jim: Which game?

Michael: Any of 'em.

(Stanley walks between them to the vending machine)

Michael: So, uh, what's the 411? Any updates on the  "P" situation?

Jim: I don't know what you mean-

Michael: P-A-M

Jim: Oh. Yeah. No.

Michael: P-A-

Jim: (interrupting) Oh, okay.

Michael: No, it's okay. We're talking code.

Jim: Well-

Stanley: What is?

Michael: Listen, Stan- how long does it take you for you to pick out a soda?

Jim: I'm gonna take off actually.

Michael: All right, well. Cool.

(Stanley is still looking at the choices)

Michael: Still deciding?

Stanley: Hmm?

(Michael pushes a button)

Michael: Peach iced tea. You're gonna hate it.

CUT TO DWIGHT'S DESK AREA

(Dwight is on the phone)

Dwight: Hey, Oscar, how you doing? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen, little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago, and no one answered. So I as wondering if you could expla- Oh, I see. So, sounds like you're too sick to come into work, but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy.

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT

Dwight: There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand. Especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately, I spoke to Oscar on the phone. So none of this is useful.

CUT TO THE SUPPLY SHELF

(Jim is putting things away on the shelf)

(Michael comes out of the kitchen with a grape soda)

Michael: It's grrrrrape soda.

Jim: Tony the Tiger, you don't hear that much anymore.

Michael: Not so much.

Dwight: Okay, what is going on here?

Michael: Nothing.

Dwight: Oh, really, nothing? Fact, you are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact, you are talking to Jim, you never talk to Jim.

Michael: Fact, I love grape soda. I always have. Fact, Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.

Dwight: Okay, so what is the secret, Michael?

Michael: Well, I-

Jim: Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation, and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material.

(Jim slaps a post-it note on Dwight's chest)

(Michael gives Jim a huge grin)

Dwight: Is that true?

(Michael turns around to face Dwight, Dwight slaps the post-it note on Jim)

Michael: Um...I-I don't know. (Michael looks everywhere but at Dwight) Uh, yeah, yeah, it is.

Dwight: Thank you Michael. I know you're telling the truth.

Michael: Okay.

Dwight: I can tell. I won't let you down.

Michael: Good.

(Dwight starts walking to the kitchen area)

Jim: Thanks.

(Jim slaps the post-it note on Dwights back)

(Dwight tries to grab the post-it as he walks away)

Michael: Nice, that was- that was slick. What're you doing for lunch?

Jim: I don't know, I'm probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room.

Michael: Oh, nonsense. No way, no. Why don't, uh- Why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat.

Jim: Uh, no, that's all right. Thank you, though. It's- I gotta do some cleaning. I should probably stick around here.

Michael: Hey, you know what we can do? Spread out a blanket in the break room, have a little picnic, order some 'za. (looks over at Pam) Talk about you-know-who. The P, to the A, to the-

Jim: (interrupting) Oh, um, nope. You know what, let's go out. That was a good idea. Let's go out.

Michael: I know just the place.

CUT TO HOOTERS

Michael: Oh, man. You should order milk. Get it?

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL

Michael: Why do I like Hooters? Well, I will give you two reasons. The boobs and the hot wings. (laughs)

CUT BACK TO THE TABLE

Michael: Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogie at three o'clock. Hi.

Dana: Hey, I'm Dana. Welcome to Hooters.

(Michael starts doing little bows, with the arm waves and everything)

Michael: We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Hello, Dana. I am Michael, and this is Jim. And we are brothers.

Jim: Nope. We're not brothers.

Michael: I'm his boss, actually. And I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch because I can afford it. And he can have whatever he wants.

Jim: I'll just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks.

Dana: And for you?

Michael: Tell me, Dana. How is your chicken breast?

(Jim looks at Michael and subtly shakes his head)

Dana: (OS) Oh, it's great. It's served with our world-famous wing sauce.

Michael: Mm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast. Hold the chicken.

(Jim groans)

(Michael tries not to laugh)

Dana: (impatient) Is that what you really want.

Michael: No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hotdog.

Dana: Great. (she walks off)

CUT TO THE RECEPTION DESK AT THE OFFICE

(Dwight is using his whole hand to dig around the candy dish)

Dwight: Who took all the black ones?

(Dwight's mouth is stained black)

Pam: That's a communal bowl.

Dwight: So, how did Oscar sound when he called in?

Pam: Sick. Like, lots of sniffling. I don't know.

Dwight: Sniffling how?

(Dwight starts digging in the candy dish again)

Pam: Um, how many different ways are there to sniffle?

Dwight: Three.

Pam: Okay, it was the second one.

Dwight: Okay, good. Thank you. That wasn't so hard, now was it?

Pam: (shakes her head) Hm-mm.

(Dwight writes something down and leaves)

(Pam grabs the candy dish with a shudder and pours the whole thing into the trash can)

CUT BACK TO HOOTERS

Michael: What do you like best about Pam?

Jim: Oh, I really don't wanna talk about it.

Michael: Her legs or boobs, or...?

Jim: Um, she's easy to talk to, I guess. And, uh, she's got a really good sense of humor.

Michael: Really?

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Michael: Never gets any of my jokes.

Jim: What about you?

Michael: (without thinking) Her boobs, definitely.

Jim: Wow, that's not what I meant.

Dana: Here you go. (hands Michael the ticket))

Michael: Oh, thank you.

Dana: And I understand, we have a birthday today!

(Dana puts a Hooters apron around Jim)

Michael: Oh, happy birthday, Jim.

Dana: Ready, girls?

(The waitresses gather around)

Dana: Front side!

Waitresses: You put your front side in, you put your front side out, You put your front side in, And you shake it all about

Jim: (to Michael) Wow.

Waitresses: You do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around, That's what it's all about!

Jim: Thank you.

Michael: Whoo! Yeah!

Jim: Thanks. Thanks Dana.

Michael: Thank you very much.

CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE

(Stanley places a box at reception)

Stanley: Whew.

(Michael and Jim walk in)

Michael: That was hilarious. Hey.

Pam: What did you guys talk about?

Jim: Just, you know, politics. Literature. (holds up a Hooters shirt)

Pam: I hate you.

CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE

(Michael is rolling up his sleeves)

Dwight: Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office-

Michael: Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could've done this investigation in like, 20 minutes.

Dwight: Including prep time?

Michael: Just do it.

CUT TO RYAN'S DESK AREA

(Ryan opens a drawer to clean it out only to find that it's already empty)

Ryan: (VO) If I had to, I could clean out my desk in 5 seconds...

(Ryan puts the spray bottle down and looks at the camera)

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF RYAN

Ryan: ...and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too. (sighs)

CUT TO THE OFFICE

(Jim is working at his desk, the camera zooms in on Michael who is watching him)

(Michael starts combing his hair forward similar to Jim's)

CUT TO LATER IN THE ACCOUNTING AREA

(Michael walks up with his hair all messed up)

Michael: Expense this.

(He tosses a paper on Angela's desk)

Kevin: Michael, is that a wig?

Michael: No, it's- I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig?

(Kevin looks up at his bald head)

Kevin: No.

Angela: (snippy) This is from Hooters.

Michael: Yeah, it's a business lunch.

Angela: Did Toby approve this?

Michael: No, he did not. I don't need his permission.

CUT TO TOBY'S AREA (H.R.)

Toby: You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again?

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL

Michael: It's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent 80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business-related, right?

CUT BACK TO H.R.

Michael: I put a cigarette through a freakin' quarter. And you know what, Toby? They almost bought from us.

Toby: I'm not processing this. (hands the receipt to Angela)

Michael: Look, Jim needed a relaxing lunch. He has been depressed. And it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work-related?

Toby: He seems fine to me.

Michael: You're not his friend. You don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack, please.

Kelly: Pam?

(Michael looks at the camera, "Oh Crap.")

(He slowly turns around and wordlessly walks away)

(Angela, Toby, And Kelly watch him)

CUT TO THE LATER IN THE KITCHEN

(Phyllis and Angela are cleaning out the fridge)

Phyllis: Hey Angela, who would you choose? Jim or Roy?

Angela: It's nobody's business, Phyllis. (pauses) Roy.

CUT TO CREED'S DESK AREA

Kevin: Jim has got it bad for Pam.

Creed: Oh-ho. Which one is Pam?

Kevin: Well, she-

(Michael walks out of the kitchen)

Kevin: Hey, Michael?

Michael: Hmm?

Kevin: So do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?

Michael: You know what, Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine. So the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam...and me.

CUT TO OSCAR'S HOUSE

(Dwight is sitting in his car outside of the house)

Dwight: As a volunteer sheriff's deputy, I've been doing surveillance for years. One time, I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out, she was. With a couple of guys, actually, so. Mystery solved.

CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE KITCHEN

(Jim comes out of the restroom)

Kelly: Jim, why didn't you tell me that you had a crush on Pam?

(Jim's eyes get wide, he looks at the camera then looks around)

Jim: (VO) Well, the cat's out of the bag.

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM

Jim: I used to have a crush on Pam. And now I don't. Riveting.

CUT TO JIM'S DESK AREA

(Jim is talking to Kevin)

Kevin: Yeah.

(Pam walks by with a box of papers, she smiles at Jim, he smiles back)

Jim: No, it's not.

Kevin: Nice. She is so hot.

(Jim stops talking and looks at the camera)

CUT TO THE KITCHEN AREA

(Pam is unloading some papers into a trash bin)

(Jim walks in)

Pam: Hey.

Jim: Hey.

Pam: Did you find anything good in your desk?

Jim: Uh, coupon for a free sandwich.

Pam: Score.

(Jim pours himself some coffee)

Jim: Expired in August. And my cell phone charger from two years ago.

Pam: Big day.

Jim: Big day.

(Pam starts to walk off)

Jim: Hey, uh, listen.

(Pam stops)

Jim: Um...

(Pam stands next to Jim)

Jim: I, told Michael on the booze cruise- It was so stupid. Um...I told Michael, that I had had a crush on you when you first started here.

Pam: (unblinking) Oh.

Jim: Well, I just thought that- I figured you should hear it from me. Rather than, I mean, you know Michael.

Pam: (looks like she's thinking about it) Right.

Jim: And...seriously. It's totally not a big deal. Okay?

(Pam nods)

Jim: And when I found out that you were engaged, I mean-

Pam: No, I-I know. Like, I kind of- Like, I- I thought that maybe you did. When I first started.

Jim: (playfully) Oh, you did?

Pam: No, I mean, just 'cause we, like, got along so well.

Jim: No, I know, yeah. You saw through me. Great.

(They both chuckle)

Pam: So are you gonna be, like, totally awkward around me now?

Jim: Oh, yeah.

(Pam laughs)

Jim: Yeah. Hope that's okay.

Pam: Mm-hmm.

(Pam starts to walk away)

Jim: And Pam. It was like, three years ago. So, I am totally over it.

Pam: Cool.

Jim: Okay.

(Jim pours himself some more coffee as Pam looks at Jim one more time and slowly opens the door)

CUT TO OSCAR'S HOUSE

(It's night time now, a car is pulling up)

Dwight: (to camera) Stay low. This is it. There he is.

(Oscar gets out of his car smiling)

Dwight: He's been gone for at least two- Who is that?

(Someone else gets out of Oscar's car and gets something out of the trunk)

Dwight: Come to Papa.

(Oscar flirtatiously fixes the other guy's hair)

Dwight: Oh, yes. Oh, nice. Let's roll. I knew it!

(Dwight starts his car and drives up to Oscar's house)

(Dwight rushes out of his car)

Dwight: Oh, man, you are so busted. Ice skates.

(Oscar throws up his arms)

Dwight: Shopping bags. I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all.

Gil: Who's this?

Dwight: Uh, this is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?

Gil: Gil.

Oscar: Are you going to tell Michael?

Dwight: How 'bout this? I don't tell Michael, and in exchange, you owe me one great, big, giant favor redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT

Dwight: Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? (beat) He was lying about being sick.

(Quick cut to Oscar shaking Dwight's hand)

Dwight: (VO) Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance?

(Cut to Dwight sitting between Oscar and Gil on Oscar's couch eating popcorn)

(They are all enjoying something on the television)

Dwight: (VO) Hmm, probably. But now I know something he doesn't want me to know.

(Oscar reaches over and holds Gil's hand behind Dwight's back)

Dwight: (VO) So I can use his malfeasance...

(Dwight leans back, Oscar let's go of Gil's hand)

CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT

Dwight: ...to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance, for malfeasance's-s sake.

CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE

(Jim walks into Michael's office)

Jim: Hey.

Michael: I know. I know. I know.

Jim: Um...what happened?

Michael: I-oh. Just, um, you know, I was trying- just the expense reports. And then- God, Toby, you know? He just-I know. I just-

(Jim looks up)

Michael: I just hope that- Oh, I just hope that this doesn't affect our friendship! (starts sobbing) It's stupid. This is so stupid.

Jim: Hey, hey, whoa, whoa. Listen, man, it's- You know, it's not a big deal. It's gonna be fine.

Michael: No, I know. I'm good, I'm good. It's just-

Jim: Look, it's one day. Everything's gonna be all right.

Michael: Yeah, okay.

Jim: You good?

(Jim pats Michael on the back)

Michael: Yeah, I'm good.

Jim: Okay.

(Michael hugs Jim around the legs)

(Jim looks uncomfortably at the camera)

CUT TO THE OFFICE AREA

Ryan: Creed, did you organize the menu book?

Creed: Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.

Ryan: No, that was mandatory.

Creed: Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.

CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE

(Michael is looking out the window, Pam walks in)

Pam: Hey, here's your, uh, schedule for next week.

Pam: Are you okay?

Michael: Yeah, I'm fine. Look. About you and Jim, I-

Pam: Oh, no, that's- You don't have to-

Michael: No, I just feel it's my responsibility as your boss-slash-friend-

Pam: No, it's really- it's okay. Um, I know that Jim had, like, a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so...

Michael: It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.

Pam: Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise, or he told you about it on the booze cruise.

Michael: Um...okay. Shut it, Michael. I'm done. That's it, I'm out.

(Pam lets Michael's words sink in)

CUT TO LATER

(Everybody is putting on their coats)

Jim: Ready?

Pam: Yup.

(Jim grabs his coat off the rack and starts walking)

(Pam follows, she looks at Jim)

CUT TO THE ELEVATOR

(Jim and Pam are waiting silently at the elevator)

Michael: (VO) People are always coming to me. Michael, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust.

(Pam and Jim get into the elevator)

Michael: (VO) No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble.

(Jim is looking at the ground, Pam looks up at him curiously)

(The elevator doors close)

CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL

Michael:  Like, I was watching Cinemax last weekend, this movie. Portrait of a Prostitute. Something...Secrets of a call- More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. Goes on the run, and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't- I don't wanna live like that. I like it here. I don't wanna be Shila. I like being Michael Scott.

THE END

==========================
Transcribed by NIKKI for http://www.twiztv.com
==========================