That's My Bush! - 1.08 - Fare Thee Welfare

That's My Bush!
108 - Fare Thee Welfare

	[The Oval Office. Karl is in the office with several other people]
Karl:	Are you sure this has to happen, Vice-President Cheney?
Cheney:	We have no choice, Karl. George Bush has screwed up too many times.
George:	[enters] Hey everybody! [strolls towards his desk] Hey! Vice-President Cheney! [smacks Cheney on the forehead with an open palm] Chapappy! No get-backs on George!
Cheney:	Take a seat, George. [George sits down] We need to talk about something... that's very difficult
George:	Ohhh, math stuff again?
Karl:	Vice-President Cheney is refering to the Middle East treaty that you lost.
George:	[waving it off] Oh yeah. I don't know what happened to that stupid thihihing.
Cheney:	George, understand the Republican Party simply can't allow itself to look bad. The lost Middle East treaty is the last straw.
George:	[waving it off] Ahh, hey, it'll turn up.
Cheney:	Yeah, but since you've been in office, you've uh, bombed a European city, killed a man with drain cleaner, and tripped on Extacy on national television.
George:	Every President has a settlin'-in period.
Senator:	I'm afraid, Mr. President, that the Senate is fed up.
Cheney:	With you stepping down gracefully we can put a positive spin on it.
George:	Excuse me, am I bein' fired?
Cheney:	"Impeached" is the word, George. Oh, but it's such a nasty word, isn't it? No! You must step down before it comes to that.
George:	[stands up] But I can't be fired! I mean, how'm I gonna tell Laura? We spent all our money on the campaign. I have nothin'! [Karl stands motionless]
Cheney:	We're sorry. It's what's best for the country.
George:	[moves over to Karl] Karl? [Karl turns away] Et tu, Karl?
Karl:	Et me? Yeah.
George:	I guess... that's that. [reaches for a model airplane and a little white flag. Karl looks on. George leaves the office with the plane and flag]
Cheney:	[settling into the President's chair] Ahhhhh.
George:	I... am still senior advisor, right Mr. Cheney?
Cheney:	Mr. What?
George:	Mr... President?
Cheney:	Mmm... YIPPEE!! [rubs his hands gleefully]
	["That's My Dick", with new opening credits]
Singer (Choir):	He's the President in residence, he's kind of in charge, he's got the whole country sayin' That's My Dick! Life is hard, that's the price of fame. When you're President, everyone knows your name Hey, what's that thing? It's My Dick! I can't believe he's actually in the White House, that's our man! That's My Dick! (Whoa-o-o-o-oa, yeah-a-ahhh)
	[The dining room. Laura is admiring some fabrics she bought. The door opens and George enters the room]
Laura:	Oh, George! Look at the new curtains I bought for the dinin' room. [George takes a seat] Aren't they nice. They had 'em in blue, too, but I picked these.
George:	I wanna die.
Laura:	Alright, Alright, I'll go back and buy the blue ones.
George:	No. You can't buy anything. Laura, we're gonna need to tighten the belt a little bit.
Laura:	Why?
George:	...I ...I got laid off work today.
Laura:	Laid off?
George:	Senate says I have to step down or I'm gonna be impeached. They were really mad about that lost Middle East peace treaty...thingy!
Laura:	Oh my God...
George:	I'm sorry, Laura. I guess I'm just not President material after all. Now Dick Cheney's President. He's in charge. I have to move out. I'll understand if you wanna stay and be with him.
Laura:	[gets up to console him] Oh, George, don't be ridiculous. I married you when you were a loser. I'm not gonna leave you now that I'm a loser again.
George:	Thanks, Laura. But where will we go? What will we do?
Laura:	[holds his arms] Oh, we'll get by, sweetie. We'll get by. [hugs him. During the hug she grimaces]
	[The living room. Laura puts on her coat as George and Princess come down the stairs with a few boxes]
George:	Well, this is the last of the Lincoln bedroom stuff.
Laura:	I guess that's everythin'.
Larry:	[enters through the front door] Hey George, it's your favorite neighbor! Say George, can I borrow a Jewont?
George:	Not now, Larry. I got problems.
Larry:	Where are you goin'? On vacation?
George:	No Larry, I've been laid off. Laura and I have to... move away.
Larry:	Move away?!
Laura:	Goodbye, Maggie. It sure has been great gettin' to know you.
Maggie:	Goodbye, Mrs. Bush. [the women hug] You're the best First Lady I ever worked for.
George:	[walks up to Princess and shakes her hand] Princess, you look after that new President now. He'll be countin' on those great wits!
Princess:	My what?
George:	Great wits! [touches a finger to her head] Your wits!
Princess:	Oh those! [smiles]
George:	[walks up to Karl and shakes her hand] Well Karl...
Karl:	Well, sir, please understand. I have my career to think about and President Cheney to-
George:	Hey Karl, I totally understand.
Karl:	You do?
George:	You need to surround yourself with winners!
Karl:	Right.
George:	[walks up to Karl and shakes her hand] See you, Lar. It's been great bein' your friend.
Larry:	[wistful] Say George, can I borrow a queerdo?
George:	What's a queerdo?
Larry:	This! [gives George a quick peck on the lips and then hugs him]
George:	There there, Larry. Larry. [Larry lets go and George moves on to the next guy] Well, goodbye.
Man:	[shakes George's hand] Hey. Don't forget about us, man.
George:	I won't. I won't. [turns and does a double-take]
Laura:	Well, goodbye everybody. [the couple waves goodbye, the others wave back. Laura turns and heads out the front door] Come on, Spot. [Spot gets off a box and goes out the door. George reaches the door, then turns to look back]
George:	Goodbye, White House. [salutes, then picks up his bags and heads out the door.]
Cheney:	[enters the room and claps] Now! Let's get this country back on track, shall we? [the others look around]
	["Moving' On Down" - on George and Laura moving down the economic ladder. A limo takes them from the White House to a run down neighborhood. The limo lets them out and tosses a roughed-up suitcase out the door. They find lodging in a shabby apartment]
Singer (Choir):	Movin' on down (Movin' on down) To the crappy part of town (Movin' on down) To a two-hundred dollar a month studio apartment in the 'hood. Movin' on down (Movin' on down) Where the sky is always brown (Movin' on down) Whoever said that poverty wasn't good? And whoever said that poverty wasn't good?
Announcer:	Movin' on Down is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
	[Laura cleans up a bit as George enters the apartment and swats flies away as he enters]
Laura:	Look, George, I got a macaroni lamp at the garage sale for two dollars!
George:	Wow! Makes this place look like the Ritz-Carlton.
Leron:	[enters] Hey George, it's your favorite neighbor! Say George, my door is stuck. Can I borrow some whiteydo?
George:	What's whiteydo?
Leron:	[opens a can of beer and walks through the room] Whitey ride my black ass all damn day. That's what whitey do!
George:	Not now, Leron. I got problems.
Leron:	Oh what's the problem, G?
George:	I gotta find a new job. [someone knocks on the door, Laura goes to answer it]
Laura:	[opens the door; Maggie enters] Maggie! [they hug] What are you doin' here?
Maggie:	Well did you really think I'd abandon you after all we've been through? I mean, what do you take me for? I love working for you.
Laura:	You got fired too, didn't ya?
Maggie:	That Cheney guy's suck a dick!
	[The White House, living room. Princess and Karl round the corner and head for the front door.]
Cheney:	[enters the room at the other end] Where the hell are you going?
Karl:	Oh. Uh well, ih if's five o'clock. We usually go home at five, Mr. Cheney.
Cheney:	MR. WHAT??
Karl:	Mr. President.
Cheney:	You know, I've just about had it with you morons! If I am going to win the people's trust AND their hearts, I can't have my bitches leaving at five o'clock! Understood?!
Karl:	Yes. Mr. Chen- President.
Princess:	[clearly] Yes. Mr. President.
Cheney:	Good. [reads from some notes] Now, bitch 1 I want you to go over my speech to the nation. Bitch 2 I want you to come to my office and [softly, seductively] please me. [Princess and Karl look at each other, then Princess walks away slowly] No! You're bitch 1, Princess! [hands Princess the speech and leaves. Karl mouths something to himself as Princess looks at him, shocked]
	[The run-down apartment. George is reading the help ads still. Leron stands by the refrigerator]
George:	Hey! Look at this. [Laura and Maggie sit down to listen] "Teacher wanted for Brooklyn-area high school. Must be affffffluent in algebra." What's that?
Maggie:	It's like math, with letters.
George:	Oh! Good, I'm good at that! Just think... my whole career... reachin' out to kids.
	["Teach Me, Mr. B" A day in the life of George Bush, high-school teacher. Shown are the drive to school, the front of the school, George entering his class with suitcase in hand, George demonstrating a chemistry experiment]
Singers:	Teach me what I oughta know Teach me what it takes to grow Come on, meet me on a one-way street Teach me, Mr. B.
Announcer:	Teach me, Mr. B. is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
	[A girl is shown using a syringe, injecting something into an apple]
Black Student:	Just wait till Mr. B. takes a bite of this apple!
White Boy:	Oh my God, he's gonna die for real all over himself and stuff!
Black Student:	Here he comes! [the students take their seats quickly. George opens the door and enters]
George:	Good morning, class!
Classs:	Good morning, Mr. Bush!
White Boy:	Hey Mr. B.! We uh, got you, like, an apple and what not.
Principal:	[charging through the classroom door] GEORGE!!
George:	Hello Principal
Principal:	[shows him a wad of duct-tape] George, your students duct-taped my car closed again! [shakes himself off as the students shrug and talk quietly]
George:	Aw, I'm sorry. Here. [hands the apple to the Principal] Have an apple.
Principal:	Alright, don't mind if I do.
White Boy:	[to the girl] He's gonna die for real all over himself and what not! [the girl slaps his arm. The principal takes a bite of the apple and begins to shake.]
Principal:	Wait a minute! Geoooorge!
George:	[sensing a problem] No...
Principal:	Yooouuu're firrrred! [storms out]
Black Student:	Wow. We're sorry, Mr. Bush.
White Boy:	Yeah, Mr. B. We learned that sometimes a practical joke can go too far.
Students:	Yeah...
George:	Aw, it's alright, kids. I can always get a job at a bar.
	["Brewhaha" Opening sequence is a series of still over the life of the bar going back to the 1880s.]
Singers:	Drinkign and joking and havin' fun with my friends I like my beer with a shot of laughter I hope I can beat this cancer, so yeah...
Announcer:	Brewhaha is filmed before a live studio audience.
Customer:	[a yuppie] Hey bartender? Where's my ginger gimlet?
George:	[bartender] Comin' right up. [hoists a liquor bottle into the air, but fails to catch it. It crashes into the table and breaks apart]
Rhoda:	[the bar owner, at her office door] George? [fists against hips, she walks out of her office] Did I hear something?
Customer:	Your new bartender didn't get me my drink. Plus, he isn't funny.
Rhoda:	I'm sorry, Derek. Knock-knock.
George:	Who's there?
Derek:	Hey, buddy! That was for me!
George:	[Rhoda pushes him away] I'm sorry.
Customer 2:	Hey guys.
Patrons:	Sylvester Hatley!
Sylvester:	Vodka tonic, please.
George:	One vodka tonic. [brings out a glass, pours equal measures of gin and tonic into the glass] You know, my penis is so big that movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and [takes some ice from a small freezer and slaps it onto the mix] mah penis! [Sylvester jsut shakes his head. Rhoda comes up behind George and slaps the back of his head.]
Rhoda:	George, you're fired!
George:	Ogh... Not again... [puts his elbows on the counter and his head on his hands] Maybe I should get a corporate job.
	["Witty Banter" A magazine cover is shown with shots of the cast members, and then a group shot]
Singers:	You know that it's Witty Banter Super models and poetry Fun with language And the wittiest banterer of all Is me! Me!
Announcer:	Witty Banter is filmed in front of a live studio audience. [George sits at a desk in the middle of the action]
Witty:	[boss with Scottish accent] George W.
George:	[rises] Yes, Mr. Banter.
Witty:	Take a memo. [George pulls out a notepad and pen and prepares to write] YOU'RE FIRED!
George:	[dutifully writes as Witty leaves] "YOU'RE FIRED!" [looks at Witty but finds him gone, so he knows what just happened. He sighs]
	[The ghetto apartment. George sits on the couch moping as Laura and Maggie are busy in the kitchen. They turn to George]
Maggie:	Soup's on. [in the pot is the macaroni lamp Laura had bought when they first moved to the apartment]
Laura:	Here. [brings a bown of soup to George] I saved you the corn! It's the tastiest part.
Leron:	[enters] Hey G., it's yo favorite neighbor! [Laura returns to the kitchen] Say G., can I borrow a God-damned cracker-ass dude?
George:	Not now, Leron. I got problems.
Leron:	[heading for the kitchen] Oooo, do I smell lamp? [Laura and Maggie are at a small table by the window]
George:	I got fired again.
Leron:	Why hell, you wouldn't keep gettin' fired if you didn't keep takin' all those damned jobs!
George:	Just a lot tougher than I thought.
Leron:	[comes around and sits on the couch] I can get you a jobby job, Cap'n Kirk.
George:	You can?
Leron:	Sho'! Listen, the folks at Charade's Wrestlin' Ring are payin' a hundred bucks a night, and all you gotta do is throw the fight, then get your little white ass kicked by a wrestler.
George:	A hundred dollars?! WOW!
Laura:	[looking at Leron] A hundred dollars?! To be a loser?
Maggie:	Ey, he's a natural.
	[The White House, night. Cheney storms into the living room with a stack of yellow papers and approaches Karl.]
Cheney:	Why haven't you posted these fliers?! [sets the stack down on the desk and looks at Karl] It is crucial that my first speech to the nation have the best ratings ever!
Karl:	Weh, I'm I'm sorry sir, it's just that President Bush never really cared about ratings-.
Cheney:	Who?!?!
Princess:	Mr. President! [enters in a business suit rather than casual dress] Mr. President! Please don't make me dress like this in the office.
Cheney:	I've told you I will not have my scheduler dressing like a whore!
Princess:	But I feel so naked!
Larry:	[enters holding a clump of shredded paper] Hey Dick, it's your favorite neighbor! Say, Dick-
Cheney:	[moves forward to the front door] Who the hell let you in here?! Get out before I have you arrested!
Larry:	Relax, douchebag. I just wanted to ask you not to dump your shredded documents on my lawn.
Cheney:	I will dump my shredded documents wherever I like!! I am the God-damned President of the United States!! [storms off towards the dining room and growls at a page passing by]
Princess:	Oooo I hate our new boss. I just hate him!
Larry:	Yeah, things were sure a lot more fun around here when George was the President.
Karl:	You know, there's nothing we can do about that now. George Bush lost the Middle East Treaty, so he's gone. And we're never gonna get him back. [Larry looks at the strips of shredded paper in his hand] Hopefully, he's found a nice, relaxing, and lucrative place to retire.
	[The wrestling ring. "The Mane Event" George makes his way to the ring dressed in blue wrestling tights and cape. Laura pleads with him]
Laura:	George, don't do this! We don't wanna see you get mauled!
Maggie:	Speak for yourself!
Leron:	[posing as George's wrestling coach] Look, listen man, when your opponent says "pineapple" you go down. Let's practice: pineapple! [George looks up and falls back] Heeyyy, he's good!
Ring Announcer:	[in the ring, looking out at the floor] One minute to fight time. [George sits up]
Laura:	George, I'll get a job at a department store.
George:	Aw, I'm sorry, Laura. [climbs into the ring] Since all I can be is a loser, I might as well be a professional loser. [the bell ringer taps the bell and the match begins]
Ring Announcer:	And now, entering the laundrotorium, three hundred twenty-five pounds of sheer terror, the Mad Clown from Allentown, Kid Spandex! [Laura panics for George]
Maggie:	Whoa! This is gonna be an ass-whippin'!
Ring Announcer:	Let's prepare to- [aside to George] Remember, pineapple!
George:	Pineapple!
Ring Announcer:	Tumble!
	[Kid Spandex pushes George into the ropes, George bounces off the ropes. Kid Spandex picks him up and sets him up for a shoulder-mounted pile driver, then falls backwards, making George land on his back. George gets up again and Kid Spandex gets him in a bear hug. George gets out of the move by driving a knee into Kid Spandex's crotch.]
Kid Spandex:	Pineapple!
George:	Oh yeah. [falls backwards to the mat. His left foot goes up and gets Kid Spandex in the crotch again, and Kid Spandex falls to the mat as well. George quickly gets up. The referee calls for the bell]
Leron:	Uh oh. He won!
Maggie:	Damn, I lost my last fifty bucks.
Laura:	[as George crawls to her] George, are you okay?
George:	Oho, Laura, I'm such a loser I can't even lose!
Ring Announcer:	And the new regional wrestling champion, the mysterious Loser!
Crowd:	Loser! Loser!
Leron:	They love you!
Crowd:	Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser!
	["What A Dick" The Oval Office. Karl and Laura come in with sheets of paper]
Cheney:	Ah! Well, did we get my ratings? How did my first address to the nation do?
Karl:	Oh, you did very well, sir. You were number two right behind wrestling.
Cheney:	Wrestling? My eloquent speech to the nation was beaten by wrestling?!
Princess:	Number two is very good, sir.
Cheney:	I HATE BEING NUMBER 2!!!
Karl:	Uh, it was ahhhh... It was ah, it was a fluke, sir. Some... new wrestler has become some stupid fad of the moment.
Princess:	[gushing] It was great.
Cheney:	SILENCE! [turns and walks off] Who is this... wrestler that has the hearts of the American people?
Karl:	[approaches Cheney] Some... masked wrestler called "The Mysterious Loser," Mr. President. People just identify with him.
Cheney:	If he is so beloved by the people, then perhaps I should have him come wrestle here.
Karl:	Sir?
Cheney:	Yesss. Invite this "Mysterious Loser" to the White House. [stretches out his left arm and slows his voice to an ominous tone] We'll see how my ratings do when I have him by my side. [Karl and Princess shrug]
	[The State Arena. The Mysterious Loser is there for one night only.]
	[The ring. The Loser has a female wrestler by the hair and it spinning her around. He lets her go and has her bounce from the ropes, then gives her a clothesline. The crowd cheers him. He goes for a splash on the wrestler and succeeds. He pins her down and grabs a leg so she can't get away. He wins.]
Ring Announcer:	And the winner once again, the Mysterious Loser!
Someone:	Booooo!
Crowd:	Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser!
Leron:	You had a great fight, Captain Kirk.
Karl:	Excuse me. Mr. Loser?
George:	Hey, look who's here!
Karl:	Uh, my name is Rove. Karl Rove. [Leron begins to massage George] I'm senior advisor to President Dick Cheney. [George is about to remove his mask, but thinks better of it]
George:	Oh. Right. President Cheney.
Karl:	I've been sent here to issue an invitiation [hands him the invitation] to wrestle at the White House
George:	Really? The White House?
Karl:	Yes. President Cheney would like you to come wrestle as the undercard to his next State of the Union address.
George:	I understand he's an... excellent President. [looks away] Much better than his... predecessor.
Karl:	I uh... I don't believe that's entirely true. [moves towards the ring and sits on the edge] George Bush was a great man. An honest man. Premature ejaculator, I understand, but wery well-meaning.
George:	So I'm... sure you stood by him when he was fired.
Karl:	No. I didn't. I got too caught up in myself and my career. This country lost a good man.[looks away] I lost a good friend. [stands up] Anyway, will ya come fight at the White House? It'll pay five thousand dollars.
Leron:	[eagerly] Five thousand dollars?? He's in!
	[Opening scenes to yet another show. President Bush is replaced by the Mysterious Loser. This stars George, Leron, Cheney, and Chico the Dwarf]
Singers:	He used to be President, but now he's a wrestler You won't believe where he's headed now! White House Wrestler! Better than the rest o'lers! His wife doesn't want him to go! And he doesn't want her to know! That's White House Wrestler!
Announcer:	White House Wrestler is filmed before a live studio audience.
	[The White House living room. The wrestling ring is in place and the match is underway. George spins Chico around, then tosses him onto the mat. George climbs onto the second rope and flies onto Chico, holding his leg for the pin. Cheney looks on from a large imperial chair]
Crowd:	Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! [the chant continues as Cheney begins to speak]
Cheney:	My adoring citizens! Fellow Americans! [gets off the chair to talk to Karl] Karl, they're cheerin' for him and not for me!
Karl:	Aw, look, ih it's just the mask, sir. People love mystery and losers!
Cheney:	[steps into the ring with a medal] Tonight, I present the Presidential Medal for Wrestling to the Mysterious Loser. [the Loser takes a deep bow, but Cheney walks off. George stays there wondering where the medal went] Uh, I am the President of the United States, and I will ask Mr Loser to remove his mask!
George:	No, I can't.
Cheney:	No!! Wait. You say "NO" to the President of the United States?! He who is beloved by the people?!
George:	I cannot.
Cheney:	[paces around the ring] You will remove your mask or be killed for treason!
Laura:	[running in through the front door. Camera switch to her. The others, including Karl and Princess, look around.] George! [Laura climbs into the ring] George, I've come here to stop you!
George:	I knew you would. [whispers] D�j� vu.
Cheney:	[pulls off George's mask] What?! [everyone is stunned]
Karl:	[in hushed tones] The President!
Princess:	He's back!
Cheney:	[backing up to the ropes] Imposible! It can't be true!
Leron:	President? Damn! You really are Captain Kirk!
Cheney:	I condemn this man-animal! He has betrayed you! Arrest him!
Larry:	[opens the front door and enters with the strips of paper reconstituted] Not so fast, Dick! Maybe you'd like to explain to the people what [unfurls the document at ringside] THIS was doing on my lawn?! George never lost the Mideast Peace Treaty! You shredded it, and threw it on my lawn! You set him up so that YOU could be President!
Cheney:	The lies! Lihehes!
George:	Look, I'm not a Middle East Peace Treaty loser after all?!
Crowd:	Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! [the chant continues]
Cheney:	Ah ah ah s-, stop it. Stop it! Stop it, I am the President! [the chant dies off]
Karl:	I was wrong. Can you forgive me?
George:	Sure, I'll forgive ya, Karl.
Karl:	[soft tones] Man, we all miss you here. Will you come back and be our boss?
George:	Well, if the people will have me.
Crowd:	Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! [the chant continues thruoghout]
George:	God dang it, it looks like I'm goin' back to being Boss President!
Cheney:	No! Nohohohoho! [begins to cry on the top rope. George and Laura kiss as he holds his right hand up in victory]
	[The White House, master bedroom. George and Laura are back in their rightful bed]
George:	Oh boy. What a wacky two days that was, huh?! [Laura nods in agreement]
Laura:	I'll say. You know, George, I don't care where I am with you. For richer or for poorer, I love you.
George:	Me too, Laura. But richer sure beats the ass out of poorer!
Laura:	Well, I'm glad you're the President again, George. Because even though you're kind of an idiot sometimes, at least you know it.
George:	Ohooh Laura, one of these days, [makes a fist and aims it at the face] I'm gonna Punch You In The Face! [aims it at the stomach] And the stomach! [aims it at the face] And the face again! [they laugh and kiss]
	[End of Fare Thee Welfare]