[desperate] Ms. Clea! You've gotta give me another reading! I need to know how this next week will go!
| Ms. Clea: | [slapping down some cards] Let me focus on your spirit and see what the cards say. [checks the cards] Oh... boy, this never happened before.
|
| George: | What?!
|
| Ms. Clea: | I just drew four cards. [taps a card for every word] Death, Death, Gay, and Death.
|
| George: | [collapses in his chair] Oh, Jesus!!!
|
| [The living room. Laura tries her hand at origami animals, but fails at it. She crumples her creation up and pounds it into the table, then lights it with a small torch in a small bowl. Maggie sees Laura's frustration and scurries up to her]
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| Maggie: | Oh, Mrs. Bush, that's the thirty-second origami swan you've burned today. What's wrong?
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| Laura: | [flustered] I'm fightin' my urge to call a telepsychic, Maggie. Princess says, when you're dependent on something you have to distract yourself. I just can't find the right thing to occupy my mind! [walks away, towards the sofa]
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| Maggie: | How about vodka?
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| Laura: | [turns]Huh?
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| Maggie: | [walks over to her] Every time you get the urge to call a psychic, you drink a vodka tonic instead.
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| Laura: | Hey yeah! It might work.
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| Maggie: | Sure! I'll join you. [takes her arm and they walk off]
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| George: | [enters the living room with Karl behind him] Draw those shades! And I want a sniper here... and here!
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| Karl: | Mr. President, will you please relax? Nobody's gonna kill you!
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| George: | [to an agent by the twin doors] You're Secret Service, right?
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| Agent: | Yes sir.
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| George: | You're fine with that whole "takin' a bullet for me" thingy?
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| Agent: | Absolutely, Mr. President.
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| George: | Aw, that's great. [pats the agent on the shoulder and walks off] I'll just see you la- [turns back] GUUUN! [calms down] Well?
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| Agent: | What?
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| George: | I yelled "gun!"
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| Agent: | Oh, I thought you said "crun"
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| George: | What the hell's a crun?!
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| Agent: | I don't know, sir. I thought it was an odd thing for you to say. [George begins to pace back and forth nervously]
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| Karl: | [tries to soothe him] Mr. President, there's nothing to fear! This place is totally secure! Nobody can get in here!
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| Larry: | [bursts through the front door] Hey George, [George jumps back] it's your favorite neighbor! [George looks at Karl and points Larry out to him] Say George, can I borrow a henway?
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| George: | What's a-? Oh, not now, Larry! I got some problems!
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| Larry: | [jaunts over to the minibar and affects a Southern drawl] Nothin' a couple of cold old soders can't fix, I hope, eh Georgy? [tosees a can of soda at George, but George doesn't catch it]
|
| George: | No, Larry, I got a big problem!
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| Larry: | Oh! I know what it is. [knocks on George's chest, which produces a tinny sound] You want... a heart. [laughs. Karl laughs, too]
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| George: | [walks towards the sofa again] Oh, Larry... It's just some radical group or someone's gonna try an' take me out! I don't feel safe leavin' the house!
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| Larry: | Well hey, who does? And I'll tell you why, man. [opens his soda can] Guns.
|
| George: | Huh?
|
| Larry: | You conservatives and your gun policies. [takes a seat in the armchair] You keep the guns out on the street and you let the violence happen. Guns, man.
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| Karl: | Oh please! Ever heard of the Second Amendment?
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| Larry: | Shut up, ass.
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| Karl: | Shut the goof! When I see you I throw up and you lick it up!
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| George: | Nonononononono, he's right!
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| Larry: | Ey, you're the President, George! If you wanna eliminate the threat, outlaw guns!
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| George: | Yeah! I'm the President!
|
| [The Oval Office, night. George sits behind his desk speaking to the camera]
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| George: | My fellow Americans, I wanna be perfectly honest with you. The number of school shootings in our country has finally risen to an unacceptable high! And I say, no more! I'm gonna put a stop to school shootings by banning all guns in America! Our schools will be safe again! Effective immediately, I'll be safe as well.
|
| [Washington DC, next day. Protests ensue]
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| Protesters: | Give us back our guns! Give us back our guns! Give us back our guns! Give us back our guns! [scenes: protests outside the white house, another view of the protests, a man is arrested and hauled away, a nighttime shot of two mean beating a vehicle to bits]
|
| [The White House. George is reading the newspaper "The Washington Telegraph." Laura lazes limply on the sofa, holding a vodka tonic]
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| George: | This is goin' great, Karl. We've almost got all the guns off the streets.
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| Karl: | It's not great! People are very upset, Mr. President. Republicans aren't supposed to ban guns.
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| George: | They'll get over it.
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| Karl: | The NRA is protesting outside! There's talk Charlton Heston himself is gonna come!
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| George: | I ain't ascared of him.
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| Laura: | [drunk, she rouses herself and tries to stand up] George, this whole telepsychic thing is ... [stumbles back onto the sofa] a simple addiction. [stands up and leans on George] I almost have it beaten; so can you. [the door bell rins and George goes to answer it. Laura hands her glass to Karl] Hold this. [falls right to the floor]
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| George: | You do it your way, Laura, I'll do it mine! Fact of the matter is guns are outlawed and at last, I am safe. [George opens the door and in walks Charlton Heston] OH! [Charlton looks around smugly] Hello Mr. Heston.
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| Charlton: | [snaps back] Get your filthy paws off me, you damned dirty ape! [George pulls his arms back in fear, then relaxes them]
|
| [The White House roof, day. Security detail is setting up positions along the edge]
|
| [The Oval Office. George has led Charlton into the office, with Karl tagging along]
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| George: | Have a seat, Mr. Heston. [picks up a bowl of fruit and presents it] Would you like some fruit?
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| Charlton: | No thanks, Mr. President Penisface! [George sets the bowl down] I wanna know what all this "no guns" bullcrap is about?!
|
| George: | Well, I figure America has had enough gun violence in the schools, and that I'd be the President that finally put a stop to it. [in a low voice] ...For the children. [dramatic pause]
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| Charlton: | Children? Bullpucky!
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| George: | [rises to the challenge] Are you callin' me a lair?!
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| Charlton: | I'll call you lots of things, boy!!
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| Karl: | [intervening] Alright, alright! I cannot let this go on! I must ask for more respect, sir! After all, you are talking to Mr. Charlton Heston!
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| Charlton: | Thank you.
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| George: | [sits down] Ugh. Uh, violent crime is at an all-time high. I figured no guns, no problems.
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| Charlton: | Even if you did get rid of the guns, which you can't, someone could always just use a [makes a stabbing motion] KNIFE! Didja ever think of that?
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| George: | Flush outlaw knives?
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| Charlton: | And THEN what are you gonna outlaw?! Razor blades and bow-and-arrow and piano wire??
|
| George: | Hold on! I'm gonna write all this down. [start writing] Piano wire...
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| Charlton: | Damnit George, you don't get it! Guns don't kill people!
|
| George: | [looks at Charlton] They don't?
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| Charlton: | No, BULLETS do! Guns just get 'em going really, really fast! If nobody had guns, they can't protect themselves. Why, even your own Secret Service can't protect you.
|
| George: | Well in England the police don't carry guns and manage just fine. In face, I just had my Secret Service trained by the finest of British police.
|
| Charlton: | You've upset millions of people! [strides to a window] Just listen to them, boy! [opens a door to the outside to the sound of]
|
| Crowd: | [outside] Guns! Give us back our guns! Give us back our guns! Give us back our guns!
|
| Charlton: | [while the crowd chants] They demand the right to bear arms! How will you silence their danged voices?!
|
| Crowd: | Give us back our guns!
|
| George: | Like this. [closes the door]
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| Charlton: | You'd better change your stance, or else the-
|
| George: | Or else what?! Are you threatenin' me?!
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| Karl: | [intervening again] Oh, for Christ's sake! He's not a killer! He's the finest actor of his generation.
|
| George: | [turns and calls out] Princess! Could you send in the Secret Service to escort Mr. Heston out?!
|
| Fat Agent: | [two enter dressed as English bobbies] What's all this then??
|
| Charlton: | [storming out of the office] Alright I'm going! But I'm not leaving here empty-handed! [grabs a People magazine] I'm taking one of these magazines with me!
|
| George: | You'll see! America will be better off without guns!
|
| Thin Agent: | Come along, you! And leave the President's belongings!
|
| Charlton: | Let my People go! [exits. The agents waddle out after him]
|
| [The White House living room. Laura staggers down the stairs with a glass of vodka tonic]
|
| Laura: | Maggie, I've done it! I'm not dependent on psychics anymore. [passing by Maggie] Aren't you proud?!
|
| Maggie: | [brushes away the alcohol smell] Woohoohoo, that's great Mrs. Bush.
|
| George: | [enters and sees Laura flying around] Good afternoon, my little airplane. [Laura flies out of the room]
|
| Maggie: | [Princess enters the room] Well what are you so happy about?
|
| George: | Because I finally found a way to keep any would-be killers out of the White House!! [runs out of the room. Maggie and Princess look at each other, then arond the corner to see where he went. He returns with a brown bear]
|
| Maggie: | [incredulous] A bear? You bought a bear?
|
| George: | A GUARD bear! [latches the bear's chain onto the front door, Princess and Maggie are puzzled] When a crook tries comin' through that door, RARRR! [the bear growls]
|
| Maggie: | All this time I thought you were an idiot. [turns around and walks off]
|
| George: | [walks up to Princess] Princess, would you see if you can get my psychic on the line, please?
|
| Laura: | [enters upset and walks up to the bear] George! George, I have had it, alright?! [the bear begins to growl] Now, you need to stop this dependence on telepsychics! Look at you! You're a WRECK! [the bear growls back] Yes!
|
| [Ms. Clea's psychic hotline. Ms. Clea is taking a call]
|
| Ms. Clea: | Well, you've got to tell him, child! He gonna cheat on you! [the camera begins panning to the left, showing more telephone operators]
|
| Ms. Clea 2: | [powdering her face] This is Ms. Clea. Mhm, mhm, he's gay. It's in the cards.
|
| Ms. Clea 3: | [filing her thumbnail] Yes, Mr. Rowe. A chicken weighs about three pounds, two ounces. Right.
|
| Ms. Clea 4: | [a burly man] Hello, this is Ms. Clea. Are you ready for yuor tarot card readin'?
|
| George: | [calling from the Oval Office] Ms. Clea? Do you remeber yesterday you told me about that very bad thing that was gonna happen tonight?
|
| Ms. Clea 4: | [not sure what this is about, but plays along] Absolutely! Ms. Clea knows all.
|
| George: | [softly] I need to know who. Who's gonna do it?
|
| Ms. Clea 4: | Ehhh, somebody very close to ya.
|
| George: | Somebody I know?
|
| Ms. Clea 4: | Ya.
|
| George: | Somebody I talked to in the last twenty four hours?!
|
| Ms. Clea 4: | Ya, ya, it's in the cards.
|
| George: | But I even sealed off the house from all intruders; I even got a guard bear!
|
| Ms. Clea 4: | [falls out of character] A guard bear? [George looks at the receiver, confused] Weh well, ahh, sometimes, it's those clohsest to ya that hurt ya the most. Do you know what I mean?
|
| George: | [camera zooms in as he suspects...] My God.
|
| [The White House, night, the dining room. The camera starts from looking at three candles in a candelabra to looking at the dining room table and the six people standing around it: Prnicess, Charlton Heston, Karl, Larry, Laura, and Maggie]
|
| Larry: | Wow, wasn't it great for George to invite us all for dinner?
|
| Charlton: | [takes a seat] What's this all about?! [the others sit as well]
|
| Karl: | The President wanted us all to have dinner, Mr. Heston. We don't know why.
|
| Charlton: | Well perhaps he's rethought this whole GUN control thing! He's finally come to his senses! [the doors open and George comes in dressed as a knight. Laura looks at him and cracks up]
|
| Maggie: | Well, don't you look stupid?
|
| George: | [strolls to the head of the table] Stupid like an armored car!
|
| Larry: | Hey, what's this all about, George?
|
| George: | Tonight, a murder is gonna take place! MINE!!! [lightning crackles outside the windows]
|
| Charlton: | I don't have time for this! I'm supposed to be doing a Japanese Efferdent commercial!
|
| George: | [begins to pace around the table] Each one of you has a reason to kill me. But only one of you has coveted my curio rack of porcelain owls! Isn't that right, [stops behind Princess's chair] Princess?!
|
| Princess: | [screams, then turns around] Wait, what?
|
| George: | Do you remember what I asked you to lock ALL the doors in the White House?
|
| Princess: | I did! I did!
|
| George: | Did you??!! [narrates his first theory. She's walking down the stairs to the living room] You were on your WAY to lock the doors, but, you got distracted.
|
| Princess: | [enters the living room singing] This is the way we lock the doors, lock the doors, lock the doors. Now to remember to lock the doors... [notices a small bell on the desk] oh what a pretty bell. [picks it up] Oohhhh [rings it, then picks up the phone, as if it were ringing] Hello? [no reply] Hello? [looks at the receiver and hangs up. She rings the bell again] God-damnit! [picks up the phone, as if it were ringing] Hello? [no reply] Hello? [looks at the receiver and hangs up. She rings the bell again...]
|
| George: | And so the doors remained unlocked! For days!
|
| Princess: | But he kept calling!
|
| Maggie: | Do you really think Princess wants you dead?!
|
| George: | [strolls back to the other side of the table] Oh no! Because who benefited from the unlocked doors?! Larry!! [lightning crackles outside the windows]
|
| Larry: | [looks away] I don't know what you're talking about!
|
| George: | [remembering. Larry enters the house] I remember when you barged in days ago! [Larry is seated in the armchair] You conveniently told me that I should ban guns, but then you didn't stick around, DID you?! And I seem to remember a moment when you weren't there! So where did you go?!
|
| Larry: | Alright alright I did leave the room! But not to kill yuo later! [George listens intently] I was uhhh... sniffing Princess's panties!
|
| Princess: | ...I don't wear panties.
|
| George: | So, Larry, whose panties were you sniffin'?
|
| Larry: | Alright, I'll admit it for reals! They were Maggie's!
|
| Maggie: | [begins preening herself] Well, what can I say? The man has taste.
|
| Karl: | This is ridiculous! There are people outside rioting your gun-control law, and we're in here talking about Maggie's panties!
|
| George: | [walks to his chair] Which brings us to Karl! [lightning crackles outside the windows] Karl, Karl, Karl. I would have never suspected my dear loving Karl until, while searching your room, I found... THIS!! [holds up an organizational flowchart. Karl screams] You made this poster showin' how many people must die before you become President!! [the camera closes in on a picture of Karl, with "ME!!!" written next to it]
|
| Karl: | [trying to explain it away] No! No! That that was a, a, a project for my civics class!
|
| George: | It would have been quite damning, Karl, had it not been for the simple fact that whilst I was in your office, I overheard two VOICES! [walks back to Larry's side of the table] Whose voices, do you ask??!! [points] Maggie! And my very very drunk wife, [points] Laura! What murder scheme were you two whispering about behind closed doors?!
|
| Laura: | You don't wanna know.
|
| George: | [walks back to his chair] Oh yes I DO wanna know!
|
| Maggie: | Trust me, you don't wanna know.
|
| George: | I don't wanna know or you wanna murder me?! Which is it?! It can't be both!
|
| Laura: | Alright George, if you must know... [remembers a moment when she and Maggie were having a good laugh]
|
| Maggie: | So he couldn't get it hard?
|
| Laura: | No! It was like a cold little worm. [demonstrates. They laugh heartily again. Back in the present, everyone looks at George in a new light at this revelation]
|
| George: | Are you sure you didn't wanna just kill me?
|
| Maggie: | Nope. That was it, softy.
|
| George: | So it must have been LARRY!!
|
| Larry: | You already did me already.
|
| George: | You're right. I did. [move to Karl's side of the table again] Which brings us clearly and finally to Mr. Charlton Heston!! [lightning crackles outside the windows. Charlton turns around] The head of the NRA, here to bring down the President who banned his precious guns!!
|
| Charlton: | [rises from his chair] I have to pee! Where's the bathroom?! [George points to his right, then to his left]
|
| George: | [leading the way] Uh, oh, there's one. [goes towards his chair] Through the kitchen, down the- Ho! Huh! Hold on there, Heston! Nice try, you slippery eel.
|
| Charlton: | I just have to pee! And besides, before you called, I was on my way to act in a commercial!
|
| George: | You're right! I couldn't have wanted to kill you!
|
| Charlton: | No!! I couldn't have wanted to kill you!
|
| George: | That's right! That leaves...!
|
| Karl: | [buries his face in his hands] Nobody.
|
| George: | Nobody!! Or somebody! [everyone groans] Which leads me to my golden spike in my transcontinental railroad of murder! And there is one thing no killer can resist! [pulls out a rifle] A LOADED RIFLE!! Well, why don't we just find out what'll happen when I THROW THIS LOADED RIFLE ON THE TABLE!! [tosses the rifle on the table. Lightning crackles outside the windows, and the lights dim.] Uh hold on, hold on! Whoever it is that's gonna shoot me, there's one thing you should know! I covered that rifle in sticky molasses! And so, when the lights come back on, we shall see who the murderer was gonna be! HAHAHA!! [the lights come back on, and George is alone with the rifle. Even the items that were on the table are gone. George relaxes, then looks under the table] Alright, let's try this again. [runs to a wall switch and turns off the lights, then turns them on. The bear now rests on the table next to the rifle] Guard bear! Get off the table! [the bear picks up the gun and fires off a shot] Woohoohoohoohoo!! [tries to calm the bear] Guard bear! Put down the gun! I ain't worth it! [the bear fires the rifle again and bits of the ceiling drop down to the ground. George screams and runs out of the room]
|
| [The living room. George enters the room screaming, and the bear follows behind with the rifle. George turns around when he reaches the couch and the bear falls upon him. They wrestle down to the ground next to the coffee table]
|
| George: | Aaaah! No, don't kill me! [the bear rises to its full height. A gunshot is heard and the bear drops to the ground, dead. Charlton Heston appears with the smoking gun aimed where the bear once stood.]
|
| Charlton: | Take that, you damned dirty bear ape! [raises the tip of the barrel to his lips to blow away the remaining smoke]
|
| Laura: | That's it! I'm not gonna drink anymore! [tosses her glass away, then passes out. George is left to struggle out from under the bear]
|
| [The White House living room, later. The secret service comes in and carries the bear away. Laura holds an ice pack on her head.]
|
| George: | [apologetic] Well Mr. Heston, agh, I don't know what to say. You saved my life.
|
| Charlton: | Well you're just lucky I had Ol' Blue with me. [kisses his revolver's barrel]
|
| Laura: | Well I hope you learned something, Mr. President. Your paranoia caused you to put a loaded gun in the hands of a bear. And worst of all, to lose faith in your friends.
|
| George: | You're right. I'm sorry I accused you all of tryin' to kill me.
|
| Larry: | Hey, it happens.
|
| Karl: | Alright.
|
| George: | I learned something else, too. Regulatin' firearms isn't gonna stop the violence in this country. It's up to all of us to respect each other.
|
| Laura: | Anything else?
|
| George: | [turns to Laura] Yeah. No more psychics.
|
| Laura: | [smiling] Honey, you read my mind.
|
| Charlton: | Well I think we all learned the most important lesson of all: that we Americans should have the right to bear arms, but not the right to arm bears. [turns and walks out of the White House] Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
|
| Laura: | Well, come on George. [leads him away. The others go their separate ways] Let's go get in bed. Maybe I'll pay the cold little worm a visit.
|
| George: | [stops at the first landing and faces her] Hohoho, Laura, one of these days, [makes a fist] I'm gonna Punch You In The Face! [they kiss and continue up the stairs]
|
| [End of Eenie, Meenie, Miney, MURDER!]
|