The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM - FREE TV SCRIPTS DATABASE" courtesy of Banzaii6.
"THAT '70s SHOW" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by CARSEY-WERNER-MANDABACH LLC PRODUCTION in association with 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
5X21 - TRAMPLED UNDER FOOT
==========================


Eric Forman’s Basement – The Circle

[Hyde, Fez, Eric and Kelso]

Hyde: I’m telling you, the government has a car that runs on water man. They just don’t want us to know, because then we’d buy all the water. Then there’d be nothing left to drink but beer. And the government knows that beer … will set us free.

Fez: Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!

Eric: Yeah. Hungry, check. Horny, check. It’s gettin’ a little old Fez. God I feel like I’m Luke Skywalker, you know. ‘Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up. Just, workin’ on Uncle Owen’s water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tashi station to pick up some power converters. Boring.

Kelso: Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over. And I like my free ride!

Hyde: Yeah. We get it. You’re good looking. Doesn’t anybody have anything new to say?

[Fez looks blank.]

[Eric searches, but has nothing.]

[Kelso picks something out of his eye and examines it.]

Hyde: So there’s this car that runs on water man. [He is showered with empty beer cans] It runs on water man.

The Hub

[Fez brings Nina a drink]

Fez: Okay Nina, I brought you the special; One small soda, one medium popcorn and one large Fez, dark and sweet.

Nina: Fez, you know I’ve had a lot of fun hanging out with you.

Fez: Hey, thirty-seven times of fun to be exact. It would have been thirty-eight, but you know, and then again I apologize. Now enjoy your meal. If you need me, I’ll be smelling your neck.

Nina: F-Fez, I’m starting to feel like I need some space. But I want you to know, it’s not you. It’s me.

Fez: Okay. Well I guess tonight I’ll be doing number twelve thousand, three hundred and seventy-seven of the other thing.

Nina: Sorta gross.

Fez: Hey, it may be gross, but that’s the way I learned how to count.

Eric Forman’s Basement

[Hyde, Eric, Donna, Jackie and Kelso]

Jackie: Six million dollar man. That’s like a twenty dollar jumpsuit and a four dollar haircut. Mmm, where did all the money go.

Donna: I think we’ve seen this episode. Yeah. And we were sitting in these exact same seats when we saw it.

Hyde: Actually, you were sitting over there. I remember ‘cause I could see up your skirt.

Eric: You guys, we do the exact same thing everyday: TV, snack, nap. It’s … you know what, this isn’t a basement, this is a nursing home.

Kelso: I know something we could do. Jackie, Donna, get naked. The rest of you guys back off and give us some room.

[Fez enters.]

Fez: Hello friends of Fez.

Eric: Hi … Where’s Nina?

Fez: Oh she didn’t wanna hang out with me tonight. She said she needed some space.

Everyone: Ooooh!

Fez: Uh oh. That’s the same sound you guys made when I told you I was gonna grow my bangs out.

Donna: Fez, when a girl says she needs space, that means that she’s dumping you.

Fez: Oh no, you don’t understand. She said it was her, not me.

Everyone: OOOOH!

Hyde: That ain’t good.

Fez: Wow, what’s the big deal?

Eric: Oh man, I can’t tell him. This is a job for someone who’s cold, heartless … just inhuman. Jackie, go for it.

Jackie: Fez, when a girl says it’s not you it’s me, what she really means, is it’s you.

Fez: So I have really been dumped.

Hyde: Yup. Here’s another tip; When a girl says she just wants to be friends, it means she wants you to do stuff for her, but she’s not gonna put out. So you know … heads up on that one.

Kelso: Yup, women will screw you over every chance they get. That and breast feeding just comes natural to them.

The Forman Kitchen

[Jackie, Hyde, Kittty, Kelso, Donna, Eric and Red]

Red: So, Haji’s girlfriend finally came to her senses. What happened? She didn’t wanna be a fifth wife? [The guys laugh]

Kelso: Haji!

Kitty: Well it’s her loss. The girls in my Friday night cribbage game will be thrilled to have Fez back at the table.

Eric: You know what? At least Fez has a social life. Look at us. We’re hangin’ out with my parents.

Red: Yeah, about that, feel free to get the hell out.

Donna: Well, we can do better than this. You guys, we’re gonna graduate in two months and there’s a whole town out there just waiting for us. We just have to you know … grab the bull by the horns.

Kelso: Okay, but I tell you this from experience, if were gonna mess with a bull we better have an escape plan.

Kitty: What are the popular kids doing tonight?

[Her comment draws a frown from everyone.]

Well I’ll bet their not hanging around with their parents giving them snarky looks.

Kelso: Well I remember when the Brady kids got bored and then that fat kid Oliver showed up. It just all turned around. They got into a pie fight and everything.

Eric: You know what? Kelso might actually be on to something. Maybe we should look for someone new to hang out with.

Kelso: Alright! We’re gettin’ a fat kid.

Red: You know instead of adding someone, maybe you should think about weeding out a few. Like you [Hyde] and, you [Kelso] and … you [Eric].

Eric: I’m your son.

Red: I can’t play favorites. [Red leaves]

Kitty: You know, if your looking for a new friend, how ‘bout Lance Crawford. He’s such a nice boy.

Eric: Mom, Lance Crawford and I hate each other. You’re just obsessed with getting his mother’s peach cobbler recipe.

Kitty: Well what kind of a woman keeps a recipe a secret! If that recipe were the polio vaccine, we’d all be in wheelchairs! [Kitty leaves]

Donna: I don’t like Lance Crawford. He’s always staring at me in this really creepy way. And this one time I saw him fiddling around in my locker. When I opened it, there was a rose inside and my gym socks were missing.

Kelso: Donna, a little advice, you’re not gonna want those socks back.

Eric Forman’s Basement

[Hyde, Eric, Donna, Kelso and Jackie]

Jackie: I can’t think of anyone new I wanna hang out with. All the girls I know are either too snobby or too slutty.

Kelso: Yeah, I’m not good with the snobs but slutty’s my bread and butter.

Eric: You know what we need are people with stuff to offer, like, Mark Herman. He’s got that dirt bike. I always liked him.

Kelso: Sold it last week.

Eric: That punk, he’s out.

Donna: Hey, Harry Gruber has a trampoline.

Hyde: Harry Gruber also has a big hairy mole. I don’t wanna be bouncin’ around and get tangled up in that.

[Kitty comes down the stairs]

Kitty: Eric. Eric. Honey, there’s someone here to see you.

Eric: Mom! If this is another one of Dad’s Marine Corp recruiters … I’m gonna run away, I swear.

The Forman Living Room

[Eric, Kitty, Red and Lance]

Eric: Lance Crawford. Mom.

Lance: Hello Eric. Your father and I were just discussing how unrealistically space travel is portrayed in Star Wars.

Eric: It was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Look you either buy it or you don’t.

Kitty: What a lively conversation. Nha ha ha. I’ll get some sodas.

Eric: No, please allow me. Why don’t you stay here and chat with Mr. unrealistic space travel.

Lance: Yes, I’d love to explain the practical impossibility of the so called light saber.

Eric: You son of a bi …!

[Red stops Eric from physical violence]

[Eric leaves]

Eric Forman’s Basement

[Hyde, Eric, Donna, Kelso and Jackie]

Eric: Red alert guys. Red alert! Lance Crawford is in the building!

Donna: I’m gettin’ the hell outta here!

Jackie: Wait a minute. What if he sees us sneaking out?

Kelso: Oh Donna, leave one of your socks behind. [Donna hits Kelso] Oww! What, it’ll distract him.

[They all exit the basement door]

The Hub

[Fez and Nina]

Fez: Nina I thought we were so happy together. What happened?

Nina: Fez, right now I’m at a point in my …

Fez: Oh cut the crap heartbreaker! I want the truth!

Nina: Hey the truth is you’re too needy.

Fez: Too needy? I’m sorry but a man in his sexual prime has needs. And you are lucky to have such a stallion at your disposal.

Nina: No, your needs are fine. It’s your neediness that’s the problem.

Fez: Then why didn’t you say that.

Nina: I didn’t want you to make a scene.

Fez: You didn’t want me to make a scene? You didn’t want me to make a scene! [Fez dumps the food basket of the man at the next table] Ha! You dump Fez, I dump fries! There’s your scene! [To the man at the next table] Here’s a dollar. Sorry about the scene.

Fez’s Bedroom

[Hyde, Eric, Donna, Kelso and Jackie in the hall outside]

Jackie: Poor Fez. He’s too depressed to leave his room.

Eric: That’s it. You guys, we’ve gotta cheer him up.

Donna: Eric, knock first. If Fez is alone, I’m guessin’ he’s not wearing pants.

Kelso: Oh awesome! Let’s catch him.

[The gang enters the room]

Eric: Wow, check out all this great stuff. Oh my God is that a race car bed?

Kelso: Oh, I call shotgun! [He leaps onto the bed]

Fez: Aiyee!

Jackie: Oh Fezzie, come on out.

Fez: I can’t. I’m not wearing pants.

Donna: Told you. [Kelso jumps off the bed]

Fez: Nina told me why she dumped me. She said I was too needy. Am I too needy? Tell me, I need to know!

Eric: Fez, I’m sorry man, you’re the definition of needy. ‘Member one time you called me at three in the morning just to make sure we were still friends?

Hyde: Look, if you wanna get Nina back you gotta act like you don’t care.

Fez: But I don’t know how to do that.

Kelso: Well, we can help you. Oh! We’ll rebuild you like the Six Million Dollar Man!

[Fez imagines he is the Six Million Dollar Man on a test flight]

Fez: Fez one to control, we have lift off. All systems are go. Proceeding to eat candy. [An alarm sounds] Uh oh, emergency, emergency! We are breaking up. I repeat, Nina and I are breaking up.

[After the crash, Fez is in surgery]

Kelso: Fez; A teenager; A boy with needs. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology.

Hyde: We can make him more appealing to Nina by making him less needy.

Fez: [Reaching for a picture of Nina] Nyaa unh.

Hyde: We can make him cooler; suaver; aloofer.

Eric: Aloofer? Is that even a word.

Hyde: We can make it one. We have the technology.

Fez: [Turning away from the picture of Nina] Hmmph.

Hyde: Initiate female reaction sequence.

Eric: Release the girls.

[Kelso opens the door and Donna and Jackie enter]

Donna: Hey Fez. Lookin’ good.

Jackie: Love the outfit. Totally bionic.

Fez: You mean nothing to me!

Donna: Oh no. He’s no longer needy.

Jackie: And because of that, I want him even more.

[The girls move towards Fez. He jumps bionically away]

Eric/Kelso/Hyde: [They congratulate each other by shaking hands] Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor.

Eric: Good job, Doctor. [Kelso tries to kiss Eric] Whoa! Doctor.

[Fez comes back to reality]

Fez: Oh I see. In order to get Nina, I have to act like I don’t need her. Well fine, I don’t need Nina. I don’t need a woman. [He jumps out from under the covers] I don’t need anything.

Everyone: Oh! [They turn away from pants-less Fez]

The Forman Living Room

[Red, Kitty and Lance]

Kitty: Eric sure is taking an awfully long time with those sodas. [Nervous laugh] I’m sure it’s no reflection on you Lance. He probably just wants to make sure a good friend like you gets the freshest soda available.

Lance: I know Eric doesn’t like me Mrs. Forman. I only came over for the chance to see my beautiful Donna. And after I make my fortune in robots, I’m gonna come back to this Podunk town, buy whatever flour mill Eric is working at, fire him, and make Donna my wife.

Red: You’re a creepy kid, you know that?

Lance: Mrs. Forman, I think we both know the real reason you invited me over here. You’re after mother’s coveted peach cobbler recipe, no?

Kitty: Your mom makes peach cobbler? I had no idea.

Lance: Please, let’s speak frankly. I have something you want and you have something I want.

Kitty: We’re not in - in a position to just give you Donna.

Red: We could give you Eric.

Lance: Mother tasted your stuffing at the Thanksgiving Turkey Trot and ever since then, she’s wanted the recipe. I’ve been instructed to arrange a swap.

Red: Don’t you have any weird friends to play with?

Lance: Friends are for the weak.

The Hub

[Fez, Hyde, Eric, Kelso and Jackie; Donna enters with Julie]

Donna: Okay you guys. Meet Julie. She’s got two horses, a brand new Firebird and … her dad works for Six Flags.

Everyone: Hello Julie!

Julie: Hey Hyde. Love your hair.

Hyde: You can touch it if you want.

Jackie: Oh get lost skankoid. We’re all full! [Jackie pushes Julie to the door]

Kelso: Damn Jackie. She’s got a Firebird and two horses. We could’ve raced ‘em. [Kelso follows Julie]

Eric: Alright, that’s it. I’m gonna go ask Jake Bradley. I know, I know; We’ve all been thinkin’ it, but no one’s had the guts to ask him ‘cause he’s the quarterback and we’re just a bunch of jelly heads. But you know what I say? I say we shoot for the stars. And that star is Jake Bradley! Jake Bradley! [Eric runs out]

[Nina walks to the jukebox]

Hyde: Alright Fez, there’s Nina. Now remember, you’re a new man. You don’t need her, or anything else.

Fez: Got it! I am cooler, suaver, aloofer.

Hyde: There you go.

[Fez taps Nina on the shoulder]

Nina: Oh, hi Fez.

Fez: Oh you wish baby! Why don’t you take your hi Fez act and try it on someone else ‘cause I don’t need it.

[They go they’re separate ways]

Hyde: Nice work Fez.

Fez: Shut up. I don’t need your accolades.

The Forman Kitchen

[Red, Kitty and Lance]

Red: How can you give away your stuffing recipe Kitty. It’s the one thing that we have that’s better than everyone else’s. Our house … crappier. Our son … crappier. Our stuffing … better! Oooh!

[Kitty finishes writing on an index card]

Kitty: Okay Lance, here you go.

[They exchange cards roughly]

Lance: Excellent. Mother will be most pleased.

Kitty: Oh you be sure to say hi. Such a nice lady.

Lance: Please Mrs. Forman, there’s no need to keep up the charade.

Kitty: Fine. She’s cold. Get out.

The Hub

[Fez at the counter]

Fez: I just want you to know that I don’t need these fries. I choose to eat them because I desire their salty taste.

Guy behind the Counter: Please … just take the fries.

Fez: You need me to take them, don’t you. Needy bastard.

[Nina enters]

Nina: Hi Fez. Can I talk to you?

Fez: Oh, you need permission, do you?

Nina: I think I was a little too hasty breaking up with you.

Fez: Really?

Nina: Yes. I like the new Fez.

Fez: What about the old Fez?

Nina: Unh, not so much.

Fez: You know what Nina? There’s only one Fez. And that is a Fez with needs. And if you don’t like that, then we shouldn’t be together.

Nina: But Fez I …

Fez: Shhh! [He holds out the palm of his hand] Sorry baby, it’s over. Oh and Nina? It’s not me. It’s you.

[Nina walks out]

Fez: Ladies of The Hub. Why do we try to act like we have no needs? I have needs. For instance, I need a date for Saturday night. Any takers? [Women look away] You blondie? You there with the glasses? What about the redhead trying to cover her face? [They get up and run away] twelve thousand, three hundred and seventy-eight, here I come.

Eric Forman’s Basement

[Eric enters to find Hyde, Donna, Kelso and Jackie]

Eric: Hey. So I went to see Jake Bradley.

Hyde: You mean Jake Bradley!

Eric: Yes. See if he wanted to hang out, and you know what Mr. Cool Guy was doin’? He was hangin’ out in his basement with his friends. And they were watching … the Six Million Dollar Man. It was eerie.

Hyde: Was there a skinny guy datin’ this really hot chick who’s way out of his league?

Eric: You know, there was.

Kelso: Wait. Does this mean we’re not gettin’ a fat kid to play with?

Eric: No, man, we don’t need anyone else. You know what? We’ve only got two months until graduation. We can’t waste a second of that.

Hyde: Forman’s right. Let’s sieze the day man.

Eric Forman’s Basement – The Circle

[Eric, Hyde, Donna, Kelso and Jackie]

Hyde: Hey, weren’t we supposed to seize something man?

Donna: You know what the Six Million Dollar Man should have? A bionic nose. You could smell everything.

Eric: Guys, all I know is that we should really appreciate this ‘cause, I don’t think we’re gonna be able to do this in college.

Kelso: This peach cobbler is amazing! I mean who’d leave a whole pan of peach cobbler just sittin’ on the counter!

Jackie: See. We don’t need anyone else. We have lots of interesting things to say. Right?

Hyde: Hey. There’s this car that runs on water. [He is showered with empty beer cans] It runs on water man!

Fez’s Bedroom

[The gang are playing with all of Fez’s toys when he walks in]

Fez: Careful! I know it looks like a race car, but it’s really a bed. Please don’t make a mess, the maid doesn’t come until Thursday. Watch it! That is a present from my cousin in Hong Kong. Who has been dropping Milk Duds on my carpet? Who has been dropping Milk Duds on my carpet! [Kelso breaks through the bed] Screw this. I am going to Eric’s.

 

==========================
THAT '70s SHOW EPISODE 5X21
TRANSCRIBED BY Banzaii6 FOR WWW.TWIZTV.COM - FREE TV SCRIPTS DATABASE
==========================