INT. FORMAN KITCHEN- Day (Day 1)

Music Cue: "Love The One You’re With"

THE GANG, Minus Fez, is here.

Jackie: Steven, I am telling you, beards are out. Look at Malibu Barbie. She could date anyone she wants, but she’s with Malibu Ken. Why? Because Malibu Ken doesn’t have a beard.

Hyde: Yes he does: Malibu Barbie’s his beard. No straight man would wear shorts that tight.

Jackie: I don’t care, shave your beard. It’s like making out with a bathmat.

Kelso: So here it is. The beginning of the end for you two. I remember the part of our relationship when all Jackie did was boss me around.

Eric: Yeah, that part lasted what, what, like six years?

Jackie: And he’s a better man for it. (WITH SPIRIT) So come one, Steven, let’s shave that beard!

Donna: Jackie, you just gave an order in the form of a cheer.

HYDE HEADS FOR SLIDING DOOR

Jackie: Hey, where are you going?

Hyde: Wherever the beard take me.

HE EXITS. RED AND KITTY ENTER FROM THE LIVING ROOM.

Kitty: Oh, Jackie, sweetie, we just got a phone call. You’re needed at home. Grab your coat and Mister Forman will give you a ride.

Jackie: Do you know what’s going on?

Kitty: No, I don’t know anything.

JACKIE EXITS TO THE BASEMENT. AS SOON AS SHE’S GONE:

Kitty: I know everything. (Then) You know how Jackie’s father is a city councilman? Well, not anymore. He just got arrested for bribery. He could go to prison.

Red: Well, I’m glad. That guy makes Republicans look like a bunch of crooks and greedy businessmen.

Eric: Yeah, thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon.

Kitty/Donna/Kelso: Oh God!/Oh no./ Eeesh.

Red: What did you say?

Eric: I said…Nixon was framed and Kennedy was a commie.

Red: That’s right!

ACT ONE

Scene A

Forman Basement- Day (Day 1)

Music: "Jailbreak"

DONNA, KELSO, AND FEZ HANG. KELSO CLEANS A BB GUN. ERIC AND HYDE ENTER FROM HYDE"S ROOM.

Eric: What’s with the gun, trigger?

Kelso: Relax, Eric. It’s not a gun. It’s a BB gun. I lost it when I was like ten and I found it this morning buried in my backyard.

Donna: Why were you digging in your backyard?

Kelso: (Condescending) Uh, dinosaurs? Watch the news, Donna. (starts cleaning gun)

Eric: I can’t believe Mr. Burkhart might actually go to prison.

Fez: It’s a tragedy. My father was sent to prison, and it led to a life of drugs and prostitution.

Donna: What?

Fez: Yes. Then his pimp killed him but the medical examiner found a tiny hair, solved the crime and sent the pimp bastard to THE CHAIR!

Eric: Fez, that was last night’s episode of "Quincy."

Fez: (caught) Oh. I didn’t know you watched that show.

Kelso: Yeah, this is rough stuff Jackie’s going through. And she’ll come running to me. Old faithful.

Hyde: Kelso, Jackie’s with me now.

Kelso: Maybe, nut we have history, so when Jackie needs a shoulder to cry on, she gonna rest her head on these broad babies. (TO FEZ) Feel ‘em.

Fez: (RE: SHOULDER) Rock hard, amigo

Hyde: Man, you don’t want Jackie leaning on your shoulder. It’s all bruised.

Kelso: Where?

HYDE PUNCHES KELSO IN THE SHOULDER

Kelso (cont’d): Ah! I should really see those coming by now.

AS KELSO WRIGGLES IN PAIN, THE BB GUN MUZZLE SWINGS TOWARD ERIC

Eric: Hey, Cool Hand Luke, watch it.

Kelso: (STANDS UP) Relax. Guns don’t just go off by accident.

Donna: Oh really? What about Eric’s fourth-grade hamster, Snowball?

Eric: What? No, Snowball didn’t get shot. He went upstate to live with a nice farm family. (OFF STARES) You shot snowball?!!

Kelso: The gun went off by accident!

JACKIE ENTERS, WEEPY. KELSO HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS. JACKIE WALKS TOWARD HIM…

Kelso (Cont’d): Aw, sweet pea, I’m here for you.

…AND BLOWS RIGHT PAST HIM. SHE HUGS HYDE, WHO REMAINS SEATED AND ILL-AT-EASE.

Jackie: Steven, my dad’s in prison, what am I going to do?

Hyde: Uh, I don’t know, bake him a cake with a file in it? (OFF HURT LOOK) What, it worked for Tom and Jerry. What do you want me to say?

Jackie: Nothing. I just... never mind.

SHE TURNS AWAY FROM HYDE, THROWS HER ARMS AROUND DONNA WHO HUGS HER.

Fez: Now we’re talking. Donna, give her a kiss.

ACT ONE
Scene B

DMV- Day (Day 1)

KELSO AND FEZ ENTER

Kelso: Man, Jackie blew right by me to get to Hyde!

Fez: Yes, I know because you told me twenty times!

FEZ SPOTS NINA TENDING TO A LINE OF CUSTOMERS

Fez (cont’d): Oh, there’s my boss Nina, queen of the DMV. She haunts my dreams.

Kelso: I thought Mr. Roper from "Three’s Company" haunted your dreams.

Fez: He’s there, too. (HAUNTED) Bug-eyed bastard! (THEN, RE: NINA) Look how beautiful she is. You have to help me win her heart.

Kelso: What happened to Jackie’s heart? I thought she and Hyde were just killing time—

Fez: --But Nina—

Kelso: Now, I think they’re actually getting serious—

Fez: --But Nina—

Kelso: Man, Jackie and Hyde—

Fez: (SNAPS) Enough! It’s over for you, pin-brian! Now to summarize: Jackie, gone. Nina, still in play. Help me do this thing!

NINA SPOTS FEZ.

Nina: Fez!

NINA HOLDS OUT DMV FORMS.

Fez: Nina my queena.

Nina: I told you I don’t like that. Now, you’re late for your fingerprints tutorial, so move it.

SHE HEADS OFF.

Kelso: Wow, tough cookie.

Fez: Yes, Fez likes the hard-headed mamas.

Kelso: Really? I’m starting to get into the Asian ladies.

Fez: I know what you mean, mystery of the Orient, very sexy.

ACT ONE

Scene C

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

ERIC FINISHES SHOVELING SNOW, AS DONNA ENTERS EATING A PRETZEL. SHE WEARS HER ENGAGEMENT RING.

Eric: Donna, what are you doing wearing your engagement ring? It’s supposed to be a secret. You haven’t told anyone, have you?

Donna: (sarcastic) Yeah, Eric. I have no self control so I told the pretzel guy at the park.

THEY LAUGH

Donna (cont’d): Seriously, I have no self control so I told the pretzel guy at the park.

Eric: Donna!

Donna: I’m sorry! I am excited. I had to tell someone. Plus (HOLD UP PRETZEL) free pretzel!

FORMAN KITCHEN- CONTINOUS

KITTY PUT A SANDWICH IN FRONT OF HYDE, SEES THAT HE LOOKS BUMMED.

Kitty: Okay, Steven, what’s wrong? Problems with Jackie?

Hyde: I said the wrong thing—

Kitty: (SNAPS) Well, I have menopause! Do you have menopause?!

Hyde: Uh, no.

Kitty: Lucky bastard! (BRIGHTLY) I’m sorry, just tell me what happened.

Hyde: Well, it’s just she wanted me to say something to make her feel better and I couldn’t think of anything.

Kitty: Oh, Steven, you don’t know how to comfort someone because you’ve never been comforted yourself.

Hyde: That’s not true. One time my dad felt so bad about missing my little league game he made up for it by disappearing for nine years.

ERIC AND DONNA ENTER

Kitty: Well, after what you’ve been through, you shouldn’t have to say anything nice to anybody. Jackie should just leave you alone. Now, I am going upstairs to cry a little.

SHE EXITS. ERIC AND DONNA CROSS OVER TO HYDE.

Eric: So, you’re having a little problem with Jackie. I’d like to remind you (PUTS HIS ARM AROUND DONNA) Donna and I are basically the perfect couple.

Donna: We really are.

Eric: So, we might just have a little something to teach you about relationships.

Donna: We really do.

Eric: All you need to do is…

Eric/Donna: Back off/ Go to her.

Donna: What?

Eric: What?

Donna: No, he needs to be with her.

Eric: No, he needs to give her space. When your mom left, I gave you space.

Donna: I know. But I didn’t want space. I wanted you with me.

Eric: You didn’t tell me that.

Donna: I couldn’t find you!

Hyde: And they lived happily ever after.

ACT ONE

Scene D

DMV BACK ROOM- Day (Day 1)

FEZ AND NINA ARE IN BACK ROOM, BY A TABLE. NINA WEARS WHITE PANTS AND TEACHES FEZ TO FINGERPRINT.

Nina: Fingerprinting is one of the most important jobs at the DMV, Fez. It helps our customers feel like common criminals.

SHE TAKES FEZ’S HAND. HE WHIMPERS SLIGHTLY. SHE FINGERPRINTS FEZ IN A VAGUELY SEDUCTIVE FASHION.

Nina (cont’d): See? Firm but gentle. Repeat that: firm but gentle.

Fez (IN LOVE) Fur ba jaja

SHE GENTLY BUT FIRMLY RUBS HIS HANDS

Nina: Your hands are strong. (THEN) But your right hand is much stronger than your left. Why’s that?

Fez: (Caught) Oh, uh, I am a swordfighter.

Nina: You fence?

Fez: Who doesn’t?

Nina: Most people.

Fez: Touché

NINA SCOOTS CLOSER TO FEZ AND RUBS HIS WRIST.

Nina: Look, I’m sorry if sometimes I’m a little short tempered with you. It’s just, when I see you, I…well…

THEIR EYES MEET. THEY LEAN IN AND KISS. FEZ PULLS HER CLOSE. NINA PULLS AWAY.

Nina: No, I can’t.

Fez: But I’m all atwitter!

Nina: I’m sorry. I just can’t. And no one can know about this.

SHE TURNS TO LEAVE. AS SHE WALKS OUT, WE SEE BLACK HAND PRINTS ALL OVER HER BUTT.

ACT ONE

Scene E

FORMAN KITCHEN- DAY (DAY 1)

JACKIE’S ON THE PHONE. KITTY POURS A CUP OF COFFEE AT THE COUNTER. RED SITS AT THE TABLE.

Jackie: But Mom, Dad’s in trouble. So I really think you need to come back from Acapulco now. (BEAT) Uh-huh, wow, that is a lot of tequila.

ANGLE ON RED AND KITTY

Kitty: Red, Jackie’s been moping in our kitchen for an hour.

Red: So call the cops.

Kitty: I don’t want her arrested. I want to help her. She needs a father figure, go talk to her.

Red: No

Kitty: Yes!

Red: No.

Kitty: (DANGEROUS) Red.

Red: Fine. (Muttering) Every damn argument. You’d think I’d win one by chance.

KITTY EXITS; RED HEADS TO JACKIE

Jackie: Oh. Mister Foreman.

HE PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND HER

Red: Look, Jackie. I know things seem grim, but your father’s rich, right?

Jackie: Uh-huh.

Red: Well then I’m sure whatever trouble he’s in, he’ll buy his way out and wriggle free.

Jackie: You’re right. This is America. The rich are treated differently here.

Red: Yep, I’m so glad I took some shrapnel to make that happen.

Jackie: Me, too. (THEN) [note: the part from here was eventually edited out of the episode - Heather] So, do you have any advice on how to handle my heartless boyfriend?

Red: Well…see, boy problems aren’t up my alley. Now, if you’d like to talk more about how your father brought shame to our God-fearing town, I’m your guy.

Jackie: No, I’m good.  [note: the kiss on the cheek was still there - Heather]

SHE GIVES HIM A KISS ON THE CHEEK AND SKIPS OFF.

ACT ONE
Scene H

FORMAN BASEMENT- DAY (DAY 1)

ERIC, DONNA, KELSO, AND HYDE HANG. KELSO, AGAIN, FUTZES WITH A BB GUN.

Donna: So, Hyde, have you talked to Jackie yet?

Eric: ‘Cause don’t. You gotta give her room to breathe.

Donna: Yeah and if she ever falls out of a plane, just let her fall.

Eric: He’s supposed to jump out after her?

Donna: At least they’ll be together!

Kelso: Man, I don’t get Jackie. We were together for years and the second I turn my back, she frenches Hyde.

Hyde: And by "turn your back" you mean ditching her for two months to have sex with random beach trash?

Kelso: Whatever, man! It’s always about "words" with you!

Hyde: Kelso, you know what? Jackie’s my girlfriend. We’re together. Get over it.

ANGLE ON: KELSO, UPSET.

Kelso: Fine!

SFX: BBG GUN FIRING

HYDE YELPS IN PAIN AND WRITHES ON THE GROUND. FACE DOWN.

Eric: Dude, you shot him!

Donna: (Pointing) That is exactly what happened to Snowball!

END OF ACT 1

ACT 2

Scene J

FORMAN BASEMENT- DAY (DAY 1)

ERIC, DONNA, AND KELSO STAND OVER HYDE, WHO’S ON THE GROUND< CURLED IN A BALL. KELSO HOLDS THE BB GUN. ERIC AND DONNA AD-LIB CONCERN.

Kelso: Omygod I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry! Did I shoot your eye?

Hyde: Yes!

HYDE SITS UP HOLDING HIS EYE.

Hyde (Cont’d): Now I can’t see, moron! You’re a dead man!

HYDE, HAND STILL OVER HIS EYE, MAKES A MOVE FOR KELSO.

Eric: (TO KELSO) I’d start running now.

KELSO RUNS TO THE STAIRS

KELSO: Chasing me is futile! I’ll hide in your blind spot!

HE RUNS UP THE STAIRS AND EXITS

Eric: (TO HYDE) Are you okay, man?

HYDE TAKES HIS HAND OFF HIS EYE. HE IS FINE.

Hyde: I’m fine. The BB just winged my shoulder. But that kid needs to be taught a lesson.

Donna: Hyde, it was an accident.

Hyde: No, it wasn’t. He’s been bitching about me and Jackie since he found out, and he’s so out of control he shot me. I don’t like getting’ shot. So I’m gonna punish him the way my parents punished me.

Eric: You’re gonna leave him at the mall?

Hyde: No, I’m going to milk this eye thing until he feels as bad as he should. And they didn’t leave me at the mall, they forgot me. They were drunk.

ACT TWO

Scene K

FORMAN BASEMENT- DAY

ERIC, DONNA, FEZ HANG

Fez: I am in pain.

Donna: Yeah, we’re sorry about Nina. Rejection hurts.

Fez: No, Nina and I were kissing and she made me stop and now I am in pain!

Donna: Ewwwwww.

Fez: I have to do something.

FEZ RUNS OUT.

Donna: I think we’re all getting a little too comfortable with each other.

Eric: Maybe we wouldn’t be so comfortable if we gave each other space.

Donna: Would you let it go?

Eric: You mean give the argument some space?

Donna: Don’t make me hit you.

Eric: Good luck reaching me through all the space.

KELSO ENTERS, HOLDING A BURGER, FRIES, AND MILKSHAKE

Kelso: Is Hyde here?

HYDE ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM, WEARING AN EYE PATCH. KELSO OFFERS THE FOOD.

Kelso: Hey, man. Here I brought you this.

Hyde: What is it? I can’t see.

Kelso: It’s a burger. With a bite out of it. ‘Cause I’m sorry, but I’m also hungry.

Hyde: Yeah, well, it’s almost two. I have to go flush out my eye.

HYDE EXITS TO HIS ROOM.

Kelso: You guys, how bad is it? Is Hyde gonna be a cyclops?

Eric: Kelso, what were you thinking? I mean, did you do it on purpose?

Kelso: No! It was an accident.

Eric: Well, he kinda thinks you did.

Kelso: How could I? I mean, yeah, I was mad. I don’t know, maybe I did it accidently-on-purpose.

Donna: You mean subconsciously?

Kelso: No, I was definitely awake the whole time.

ACT TWO

Scene L

HYDE’S ROOM- DAY

HYDE WEARS HIS EYE PATCH AND EATS HIS BURGER. JACKIE TALKS TO HYDE.

Jackie: I’m glad your eye’s not hurt. Even though you deserve it, because you were such a jerk about my dad.

Hyde: Look, Jackie, I’m never gonna be the guy who says the right thing at the right time. I’m just not.

Jackie: You’re so full of it. All I’m looking for is a gesture and you can’t even do that. Come on, Steven, give me something.

Hyde: Okay. I got something. Get your dad a carton of cigarettes, so he can trade ‘em for not being someone’s wife.

Jackie: That’s horrible. I’m wasting my time.

SHE STARTS TO GO, HYDE CATCHES HER ARM

Hyde: No, it’s funny. When my dad went to prison, that’s what someone said to me to make me feel better. (CALLING AFTER HER) It was my mom, we had a real good laugh.

SHE’S GONE

FORMAN KITCHEN- DAY

ERIC AND DONNA ENTER. RED AND KITTY ARE AT THE TABLE EATING LUNCH

Donna: Hey Mr. and Mrs. Forman, can you settle this for us: if someone you love is kinda depressed, should you shower them with kindness or give them space?

KITTY SMILES AT RED, THEN LOOKS AT DONNA.

Kitty: Well that’s a very good question. (TAKES RED’S HAND) And it really takes a lot of living with someone to get it right.

Red: That’s true.

Kitty: But you’ll find that the best thing to do is—

Kitty/Red: Shower them/ Give them space… (OFF KITTY’S LOOK)…to shower them.

Kitty: What did you say?

Red: I said what you said.

Kitty: You’re lying.

Red: Kitty, come on. When menopause makes you crazy, I could be with you all day and it wouldn’t do any good. You need space.

Kitty: Menopause makes me crazy? I’m crazy? (CRAZY) I’m crazy?!! Well if you want space Red Forman, you got it! This crazy lady’s out the crazy door!

SHE STORMS OUT. RED GLARES AT ERIC.

Red: We were having a nice lunch.

ACT TWO

Scene P

FORMAN BASEMENT- DAY

Music Cue: My Best Friend’s Girl

HYDE WATCHES TV. HE HEARS SOMEONE COMING AND FLIPS THE EYE PATCH DOWN OVER HIS EYE. KELSO ENTERS WITH THE BB GUN.

Kelso: Okay, Hyde, I feel really bad, I shouldn’t have shot you, and I think I might’ve done it on purpose ‘cause I’m not okay with you and Jackie, and I’m not sure I ever will be. And I’m almost positive I’ll never shoot you again, but the way to be really sure is for you shoot me. I’ve always responded really well to corporal punishment.

KELSO HANGS THE BB GUN TO HYDE

Kelso (cont’d): So here.

KELSO BENDS OVER THE COUCH

Kelso (cont’d): Do it. Shoot me.

Hyde: This is like "Old Yeller."

Kelso: C’mon, just do it. (SLAPS BUTT) Right here. It’s the only way.

Hyde: Okay

HYDE FLIPS UP HIS EYE PATCH.

KELSO, WHO LOOKS BACK AND SEES HYDES EYE IS FINE

Kelso: You lied!

SFX: BB GUN FIRING

Kelso (cont’d): Oww!! (THEN) You’re dead!

KELSO CHASES HYDE UPSTAIRS

ACT TWO

Scene T

Forman Basement- Later Day

ERIC AND DONNA CONSOLE JACKIE

Jackie: Well, my mom’s flying home from the Fiesta de Las Margaritas, so I guess it’s pretty serious.

Eric: That is serious. "Playboy" voted Fiesta de Las Margaritas Latin America’s number one singles party.

DONNA GIVES JACKIE A HUG. HYDE ENTERS, CLEAN SHAVEN

Hyde: Hey

JACKIE LOOKS UP. SEES HIM. HER FACE LIGHTS UP.

Jackie: Steven! You shaved your beard!

Hyde: I thought it might cheer you up.

Jackie: Oh my God. You shaved it for me! You let your razor say the words your mouth couldn’t speak.

Donna/Eric: Awwww!

Hyde: Shut up!

Jackie: You are the best hairless boyfriend ever! (HUGS HIM)

THEY EXIT TO HIS ROOM

Donna: Huh. So the answer to their problem wasn’t more or less space. It was more or less hair. And that’s….bizarre.

Eric: Yeah, about that space thing, look, I’ve been thinking about it and here’s what’s gonna happen: you’ll want to talk about stuff, and I’ll just leave!

Donna: And I’ll follow you! And I’m strong enough to take you down and make you listen.

Eric: And I’ll let you lie on me and pretend it bother me.

Donna: Yeah, we’re perfect together.

THEY NUZZLE. FEZ ENTERS. PANICKED.

Fez: Something horrible has happened! The little men in my pants has turned black!

Eric: What?!

ERIC AND DONNA LAUGH

Fez: It’s not funny! Black is the color of death! Oh, my little man is going to die before he gets to see the world! (TO GROIN) I’m so very sorry! (THEN) How could this happen?!

HE HOLDS HIS HANDS PALMS UP, NEAR HIS FACE, AND LOOKS HEAVENWARD. HIS PALMS ARE INKY BLACK.

Fez (cont’d): How?!

END OF ACT TWO

CREDITS SCENE

FORMAN BASEMENT

THE GANG HANGS. FEZ ENTERS FROM THE BACK. PANICKED.

Fez: Okay, I washed but the ink isn’t coming off my little man! Help!

Kelso: You should try bleach!

Donna: Or comet.

Jackie: Or steel wool

Hyde: If all else fails, the one thing that gets out ink, is more ink.

Eric: Whatever you do, use the steel wool first--- really scrub---so the soap gets in there. If it doesn’t sting, it’s not working.