TEASER

"Late Summer, 3:21 P.M., The Forman Kitchen"

(Kitty is in the kitchen taking cookies out of the oven. The phone rings and she places the cookie sheet on top of the stove and walks over to the phone and answers it.)

KITTY: Hello? (Pause) Donna, it's you! How's California? Have you run into Johnny Carson yet? (Pause) Yeah. I've read he won't eat corn. (Pause) What? Oh--Eric. Oh, no. No. I know he wants to talk to you. He hasn't heard from you all summer. I'll get him, Eric! (Runs from room with receiver still in hand. Cord is stretched to limit and phone tilts on the wall.) Ow!

(Upstairs hall, outside bathroom. Kitty runs to the bathroom door.)

KITTY: Eric. (Knocks) Eric, are you in the bathroom?

ERIC: Yes.

KITTY: Well, get off because--

ERIC: Mom, when the door is closed, it's my sacred alone time, ok? Think of it as church.

KITTY: But--

ERIC: Mom!

KITTY: Fine. Gets up at noon. (Turns away from door and walks down the hall.) Sits on the toilet till dinner. What kind of summer is that!

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

(Forman basement. Kitty is folding clothes. Eric comes downstairs.)

ERIC: Well, you made me lose my concentration. (Kitty turns and looks at him. He turns and walks over to couch and checks his watch) Now I'm gonna have to go there in about an hour. (Sits down on couch)

KITTY: I just wanted to tell you Donna called. Her number's on the pad by the kitchen phone.

ERIC: What? (Gets up and runs to stairs then stops and turns to look at Kitty.) Why wouldn't you say something? (Turns and runs up the stairs.)

KITTY: And I'm staying out of it, but if you'd eat a little bran, you coulda taken the call yourself!

**********

(Forman kitchen. Red is writing something on the pad then rips a sheet off of it and puts it in his pocket as Eric runs into the kitchen and stops by the phone, looking for the pad.)

ERIC: Where's the notepad?

RED: (Looks at Eric.) Here. (Hands pad to his son.) Quit twitchin'. (Turns and walks out the sliding doors to the driveway.)

ERIC: (looks at the pad.) There's no number. Dad. (Slaps pad down on counter and runs outside and past Red, slamming the car door shut.) Step away from the vehicle.

RED: Isn't it a little early for you to be hopped up?

(Fez, Hyde, and Jackie walk up and watch.)

ERIC: Empty your pockets--now! (Takes the initiative and shoves hands in Red's pockets)

RED: Get the hell out of my pants!

ERIC: Got it! (Pulls out the pocket lining as he finds the paper. Runs into the house.)

RED: What the hell is wrong with him?

FEZ: (Walks up behind Red with a basketball in his hands.) He has low self-esteem because you are too domineering.

(Red looks at Fez with combination of confusion and anger. Hyde walks up and stands beside Fez.)

HYDE: Red, you're gonna let Forman get away with that, man? He just felt you up! Where's the foot in the ass? Unless you're getting too old.

RED: Shut it. And go shave that thing! You look like a damn Hungarian.

(Hyde rubs his beard as Red turns away)

**********

(Forman basement. Eric is on the phone as Hyde, Jackie, and Fez watch him.)

ERIC: It's ringing. (Sing-song voice) It's ring-ing. Oh my god, it's ringing! (Hangs up the phone in a panic.)

FEZ: And Eric chickens out again. Quack quack quack.

HYDE: Forman, what's the problem?

ERIC: It's just…I want to tell her to come home, that I miss her, that…I love her. I mean…it's too much to say over the phone.

JACKIE: Look, Eric, just write her a letter. That's how I broke up with Michael. Yeah. I was able to take my time and come up with good synonyms for…cowardly, won't-marry-me loser, run-away-to-California jackass.

ERIC: Jackie, I'm charismatic in person. I've got…these awesome hand gestures. And, uh…I kinda waggle my eyebrows when I talk.

FEZ: What? You do that on purpose?

ERIC: Thanks, you guys. That's--that's helpful. (Gets up from couch and walks toward stairs. Stops and turns around.) You know what? That's it. I'm goin'. I'll just show up in California, and, like, blow her mind. Yeah! I mean, when the Empire killed Luke Skywalker's aunt and uncle, did he just call them up?

HYDE: (Groaning) Uh..

FEZ & JACKIE: (Groaning) Oh god.

ERIC: No! He hopped on the Millenium Falcon, and he paid a little visit to the Death Star.

FEZ: (Looking confused.) Wait a minute. Do chickens go "quack," or did I mess that up?

SCENE TWO

(California, inside some hangout not much unlike the Hub. Kelso is sitting making out with Annette. Donna enters all huffy.)

DONNA: I sat at my mom's house for 3 hours. Eric still hasn't called.

ANNETTE: (while Kelso kisses her neck) Hey, you know what might make you feel better? Playing pinball…over there (points to other side of restaurant then goes back to making out with Kelso.)

DONNA: (glances at where Annette pointed to then turns back, pouting.) I don't have any quarters.

(Kelso slaps handful of quarters down on table and waves Donna away, not stopping making out with Annette.)

DONNA: Hey, Kelso, you know what might help me? If you could tell me how you got over Jackie. (Kelso and Annette stop making out as Kelso turns to look at Donna.) You remember Jackie, don't you?

ANNETTE: Who's Jackie?

KELSO: Uh…Jackie was my dog. She died in a Big Wheel accident.

DONNA: No, Annette, I meant Jackie, his ex-girlfriend.

KELSO: Uh--also dead.

DONNA: She's not dead.

ANNETTE: What's going on here? Why are you lying to me?

KELSO: I'm not lying, Jackie--uh, Annette. The--look, baby… (moves to kiss Annette but is pushed away.)

DONNA: Well, my work here is done. (Shuffles pile of quarters into her hand and leaves.)

**********

(Forman kitchen. Red, Kitty, and Eric are eating supper.)

RED: You wanna go to California to get Donna?

KITTY: You can't go to California.

ERIC: But I have to tell Donna I love her and that she should be back here with me.

KITTY: Oh, well, that's sweet. I think it would sound especially good on the phone, but don't call till after 7:00, when the rates go down.

ERIC: I can't call her. I mean…if Luke Skywalker--

RED: Oh, would you stop! Luke Skywalker this. Luke Skywalker that. I'm sick of hearing about that little fruit.

ERIC: (upset.) Luke Skywalker is not! He and Leia clearly--I… (Calms down.) Mom, Dad. This is important.

RED: No. No California. You know what's important?: School. You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.

KITTY: Luke Skywalker would have buckled down.

SCENE THREE

(Forman basement. Eric is sitting alone on the couch. Jackie, Hyde, and Fez enter through the door leading outside and walk into the room as if with a purpose.)

HYDE: Forman, there's a flight to California in 4 hours and you're on it. (Hands him a plane ticket.) Before you get all gushy, we didn't pay for it. We stole the money from your secret stash in the Scooby-Doo thermos.

ERIC: You guys knew about Scooby-Doo?

FEZ: (from his place sitting on the back of the couch.) Well, it's a good try, but you should have known that eventually I would need to take some cocoa on the go.

ERIC: Well, thanks, you guys, but, well, my parents will kill me.

JACKIE: (From Hyde's usual chair.) No, Eric. We'll cover for you.

HYDE: Believe me, I got no problem foolin' Whitey.

ERIC: Hyde…you're white.

HYDE: (Snickers) Barely. (Sits down in other chair.)

FEZ: Eric, if you love her, you have to go.

ERIC: You're right. I'm gonna do this. (Stands up from couch and goes to stairs.) Damn it, I'm goin'!

FEZ: (running after him.) Hey, let me help. I love putting together outfits.

(Jackie stands up and turns on TV as Hyde moves to sit on the couch. Jackie joins him.)

HYDE: Finally.

JACKIE: Yeah, I thought they'd never leave. (They start making out. Jackie pulls back.) You know, Steven, it was really nice of you to get that ticket for Eric.

HYDE: This usually works a whole lot better when you don't talk.

(Jackie thinks about it then nods her head in agreement then they go back to making out.)

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

(California, on the beach. Kelso and Annette are talking.)

KELSO: Look, Annette, You're way more important to me than Jackie ever was. I mean, you're blonde, you're beautiful, you practically never wear a whole shirt.

ANNETTE: I'm sorry. It's just the thought of you with somebody else got me really upset. I'm really upset.

KELSO: Which is why I propose that we do something special and romantic. Let's do it.

ANNETTE: Michael, I don't do that. I'm a virgin.

KELSO: What?! Oh…coincidence! Me too! So let's do it. First-timers, yeah!

ANNETTE: You know what? I'm gonna go cool off.

(Annette walks off with Kelso watching her as the camera moves to reveal Donna lounging beside them.)

DONNA: Kelso--

KELSO: Ah! One second. She's coolin' off.

(Camera shows a slow motion scene of Annette dumping a pail of water over her head then shaking her hair dry.)

DONNA: Look, I was wondering if you and Annette could maybe discuss your plans to do it or not do it when I'm not around.

KELSO: But you're never not around. You're always here. You're like a carbuncle.

DONNA: Kelso, you don't even know what a carbuncle is.

KELSO: Well, I know it's gross, and it doesn't go away.

DONNA: Ok, I'm sorry, it's just…I don't know anybody else. California people are freaks. Like that guy. (She sits up more and points then yells at the guy) You can't smoke that out here! (Kelso laughs) I miss Eric. (Looks around) That guy even looks like Eric. (Looks again and gets up) Oh my god! (Begins running toward the man) Eric!

(Eric is standing by Kelso's van, looking through the windows and hears Donna and looks towards her.)

ERIC: Donna!

(Eric begins to run to meet her. The running scenes are in slow motion. Donna runs toward Eric and Kelso runs up trying to beat her. She pushes him and he trips and falls. Eric and Donna stop about a foot from each other [ending the slow motion] and just stare into each other's eyes. Then Kelso runs up and tackles Donna to the ground and pins her there as Eric looks on in confusion.)

ERIC: Kelso, what the hell are you doing?

KELSO: Winning.

(Donna wrestles her way out from under him and kicks him. She then stands in front of Eric again, staring into his eyes.)

DONNA: I ca--I can't believe you came here for me.

ERIC: Of course I did. Donna…I love you, and I have so much to say but I ju--

(Donna throws her arms around him and kisses him. Kelso walks past in a sulk.)

KELSO: You guys can french all you want. I totally won.

SCENE TWO

(Forman living room. Red is in his green chair reading the paper. Hyde and Fez enter and walk past him.)

HYDE: (lightly slaps Red's shoulder as he passes) Hey, Red.

FEZ: (touches Red's shoulder as he, too, passes) Good day, Mr. Red.

RED: (without looking up from his paper.) Wait a minute. Where's the other idiot?

FEZ: "Other idiot"? (turns to Hyde questioningly) Do we know another idiot? (Hyde shrugs in answer.)

RED: Where's Eric?

HYDE: (Indignant tone of voice) Where's Eric? Where are you, man, and who wants to know? (Begins to walk toward Red and sits on the couch closest to him. Fez follows.) The U.S. Government, that's who. Like I read, by 1984, the government will have tracking devices on all of us, and after that, they're going to jab electrodes up our brains so they can read our memories. (pauses) Damn U.S. Government.

RED: (Finally looks up from his paper.) Damn U.S. Government? Without our government, you'd be stuck in Siberia now, suckin' the juice from a rotten Commie potato. (Puts paper down and stands up to leave the room then turns back to Hyde.) Lemme tell you something. If the U.S. Government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass you say "Thank you and God bless America." (Leaves the room through kitchen door.)

HYDE: (turning to Fez with a grin.) He's so easy.

**********

(California restaurant where we first saw Kelso and Donna. Eric and Donna are sitting side-by-side facing Annette and Kelso.)

ANNETTE: And then, after Michael threw up, I told him, "you're not supposed to eat the plastic wrapping." And that's how we met.

ERIC: Wow that's…that's like Love Story.

ANNETTE: (thinks) Wow, I wish there was more to talk about. Bye. (Gets up and leaves. Kelso moves into her seat.)

KELSO: Did ya look at her? She's so hot she could be a robot.

DONNA: (Confused) A robot? (Eric shakes his head and shrugs. She then shakes her head) Whatever. Look…you have the van, and we want to go home.

KELSO: No. Uh-uh. I can't leave Annette. I love her.

ERIC: (laughs) You don't love her.

KELSO: I love parts of her. I mean, unlike Jackie, she believes in me, ok? I told Annette I wanted to be an astronaut, and she said that she thought I could.

DONNA: (To Eric) To be fair, she wants to be a lady astronaut. (Eric nods in understanding.)

KELSO: I mean, come on, guys, just give me a few hours, ok? Look, this girl is beautiful, and she believes in me. And if I can get her to put out, she will be 3 out of 3. But right now she's only 2 out of 3, and I'm sorry but 50% just ain't gonna cut it.

(Eric nods in acquiescence.)

**********

(Forman kitchen. Hyde and Jackie are in front of the refrigerator with the door open making out.)

JACKIE: Ok, look, Steven, these last few weeks with you have been really dirty and really wrong.

HYDE: Jackie, talking is for people who have something in common.

(Jackie thinks about it, nods, and they go back to making out. Kitty walks in through the door to the living room.)

KITTY: Oh, good God. You kids switch partners more than square dancers.

HYDE: Um…no, it's not what you think! We're not together.

KITTY: Then what's going on in my kitchen.

(Hyde and Jackie try to think of an answer.)

JACKIE: Um…Eric's in California.

(Kitty looks at them then storms off the way she came in. Hyde turns to Jackie.)

HYDE: Jackie, you just totally burned Forman. That was so badass. (They begin making out again.)

**********

(California restaurant. Kelso is talking to Annette.)

KELSO: So, Annette, I'm just sayin' that I'm leavin' in a couple hours, so I guess the question is what, oh what, can 2 virgins do to kill an afternoon?

ANNETTE: (Thinks) Well, there is something. But it's kind of wet and dirty.

KELSO: Sold!

**********

(California beach. Kelso and Annette are building a large sand castle.)

ANNETTE: Having fun?

KELSO: No. These are our last hours together, and you're not nude!

ANNETTE: So, all you care about is sex? I thought there was more to you than that.

KELSO: But there isn't.

ANNETTE: But there is. I believe in you.

KELSO: Stop saying that.

ANNETTE: But I do.

KELSO: Damn! (Kneels down.) All right, start diggin' the moat.

SCENE THREE

(California. Donna and Eric are lying under the blankets in the back of Kelso's van, talking.)

DONNA: I was so scared that I'd never feel like this with you again. I mean…Eric…after last year, I…

ERIC: Donna. About Casey, and all that stuff, I don't care, ok? I just wanna be with you.

DONNA: You know, all summer I hated California, but now that you're here, it's, like, amazing. This is the most romantic night of my whole life.

ERIC: Yeah, I know. Me, too. (Pauses and thinks.) I have sand in my crack.

DONNA: Yeah, me, too. (Pauses.) Eric, I wanna go home.

(They begin to kiss and Kelso opens the door with a balloon animal on a stick and his face painted like a tiger.)

ERIC: Hey, Kelso, how was your date with Annette?

KELSO: We went to a carnival. I won her 6 stuffed animals, and then we shared a giant pretzel, and then I walked her home, and she gave me a good night kiss, on the cheek. You know…in Wisconsin, if you win a girl a giant, purple rhinoceros, she puts out! (he slams the balloon animal down and enters the van, climbing over the back seats into the drivers seat.)

**********

(Forman Driveway. Eric, Donna, and Kelso [who is in the van and out of sight] have returned. Fez, Jackie, and Hyde are standing around greeting them. Eric and Hyde hug.)

ERIC: So, my folks have no idea I was gone?

HYDE: No idea. You're golden.

ERIC: Ahh…

(Kelso gets out of the van and joins the group.)

HYDE: Hey!

KELSO: Hi! (Hugs Hyde.) You got a beard. You look so…old.

HYDE: Of course I look old, man. I partied more than you, worked more, drank more, and slept with way more chicks. I'm exhausted, man.

KELSO: Fez, my little man! (hugs Fez.) How was your summer!

FEZ: Well, I saw a boob and a half down by the pool.

KELSO: (nodding) Yeah, pool boob. Nice!

JACKIE: (Pulling Donna to the side) Look, Donna, I know you're nervous about seeing people at school after running away and all. But I want you to know it's all under control. I told everyone you went away to have a baby.

DONNA: What?

JACKIE: Yeah, it was bad ass. Oh yeah, I say "bad ass" now.

DONNA: Oh. (Bob, Red, and Kitty walk out of the Forman kitchen. Donna speaks in a sweet tone of voice.) Hi, Daddy!

BOB: Don't you "Daddy" me. Although it does sound good to hear those words again.

RED: Bob.

BOB: Right. You're in big trouble, young lady! Now…get home. Now! Move!

(Donna walks home with Bob following behind her. Eric turns to his parents, who have their arms crossed in front of their chests looking angry.)

ERIC: Well…I guess that's what happens when you disobey your parents, huh? Hey…why the long faces? Did you think that I--no! No. Funny story--true story. I'm walkin' home from the library and who should drive by…Kelso and Donna. Back from California where they were, not me. (Red and Kitty keep looking at him with impassive faces.)

HYDE: Oh, hey? They know.

(Red points inside.)

KITTY: What do you have to say for yourself?

ERIC: I…I brought you a seashell.

RED: Just get in the house!

(Eric walks to the door then turns around.)

KITTY: Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?

ERIC: Oh, yeah. And it was worth it. (Enters the house and is followed by Red and Kitty.)

TAG

(Forman basement. Everyone is sitting around: Jackie on the end of the couch closest to Hyde's chair where Hyde is sitting. Eric and Donna are making out in the middle of the couch as Fez sits on the back of the couch next to their heads, watching them. Kelso is in the lawn chair.)

FEZ: Oh, not this again. I told you…it gives me needs.

ERIC: (as they stop) Ok, fine. We'll be upstairs. (They get off the couch.)

FEZ: (Gasps) Too late. (Runs to the door leading out side and leaves. Eric and Donna go upstairs.)

HYDE: Why are we watching this? It's stupid.

JACKIE: You're stupid.

KELSO: Man, I've been gone all summer, and I get back, and everything's just the same. (Stands up.) I guess nothing ever changes around here. (Leaves the basement.)

(Hyde rapidly moves onto the couch, straddling Jackie's leg as they begin to make out.)