RED AND KITTY’s BEDROOM

The alarm goes off at 8.23 am, playing Rhythm of the Rain

KITTY (leaning on Red): Whoooooo’s the birthdayboy?? (louder) Whoooooo’s the birthdayboy??

RED: The uhm good-looking guy to your left?

KITTY: That’s right! Happy happy happy happy birthday Red! AHahaha! Would the special birthday boy like a special birthday present? (she looks under her sheets) Oeh, it’s already unwrapped...

RED: And just my size too! (they kiss)

A huge crash, and the ceiling falls on their bed

KITTY: Oh my...

RED: Well...happy birthday to me. (he looks up into the hole)

PINCIOTTI KITCHEN

Donna sitting at the table, knock on door

DONNA: Yeah?

HYDE walks in: Hey man.

DONNA: Hey what’s up?

HYDE: Well it’s Red’s birthday and I gotta get him a present so where do your parents keep their booze?

DONNA (points to the kitchen): Pretty much everywhere!

HYDE: Cool! (opens cabinet and takes two bottles) Okay, Red Forman, you know him you love him. What do you think, Blueberry brandy of Peach Schnapps?

DONNA: Hmmm, definitely the Schnapps.

HYDE: My thoughts exactly. Hmm, this one’s for me! (puts the brandy in his pants)

MIDGE walks in and looks on the fridge: OH I see your father left me another message, God he’s an ass (she writes something on the paper that’s on the fridge)

DONNA: Hello mom! I have company!

MIDGE: Oh I didn’t see you there Steven. Isn’t Bob an ass? (she leaves)

DONNA: Okay uhm, my parents are freaks and I’m sorry you had to see that.

BOB walks in, straight to the fridge: OH YEAH?! (writes something on the paper) Donna I don’t want you reading this!

DONNA: Dad Hyde’s here!

BOB to Hyde: Well you can read it because you’ll appreciate it (to Donna) but not you! (he leaves)

DONNA: This sucks!

HYDE: Well you wanna talk about it?

DONNA: No... You know they wanna date other people?!

HYDE: Your mom’s dating?

DONNA: Hmhm.

HYDE: So where am I, do I have a shot?

DONNA: Oh could you please date my mom, it’ll make my life so much better Hyde.

HYDE: Hey, call me Dad!

DONNA: Yeah but you know what the worst part is?

HYDE: Watch your parents split up and know there’s not a damn thing you can do about it?

DONNA: Exactly! And you know what else, my mom moved out of their bedroom into the guestroom.

HYDE: Yeah that sucked when my Dad split. But I can honestly say that my parents divorce made me the man I am today.

DONNA: Oh man, am I gonna go crazy and think the government is out to get me too?

HYDE: The government IS out to get you!

FORMAN’s LIVING ROOM

Eric, Kitty and Hyde are sitting on the couch

KITTY: Okay, now, I want your father to enjoy this birthday, so we’re all gonna try our best to make it good.

Laurie walks in

KITTY: Except for Laurie who’s going to stumble in smelling like cigarettes and beer.

LAURIE: Hey at least I’m here.

KITTY: You better be here with a present, I gave you 20 dollars yesterday.

LAURIE: God, relax.

KITTY: Oh you can it Laurie!

ERIC: Yeah can it Laurie!

KITTY: Can it Eric.

LAURIE: Yeah can it Eric!

KITTY: I thought I told you to can it!

ERIC: Yeah Laurie can it.

HYDE: Why don’t you both can it?!

KITTY and ERIC to Hyde: CAN IT!

Red comes down the stairs

KITTY: Oh look, it’s the birthday boy!

They all jump up and clap their hands

KITTY: Come on in birtday boy, open your presents!

ERIC: I wonder what’s in the big one...

RED: Is it a... Corvette? (he unwraps it) Nooo, it’s a 2 by 4.

ERIC: For the roof!

RED: Oh yeah. Thanks for reminding me...

HYDE: Here you go Red, this will help you forget (hands him the booze) Happy birthday man!

LAURIE: Daddy, this is for you (hands him an envelope)

RED: Well, let’s see here! (opens card) Well seven dollars! Isn’t that something! Thanks sweetie (they hug)

KITTY: Ahahaha..(takes Laurie away) If I don’t have thirteen dollars on my dresser by tonight, then so help me God...

LAURIE: The card cost 50 cents!

KITTY: Fine, 12,50 and I want a receipt!

LAURIE: Whatever... (leaves)

KITTY: Okay boys, thank you for the wood and the booze.

Hyde and Eric leave

KITTY: Okay, now, one more present.

RED: Oehh (shakes gift) Underwear!

KITTY: Oh, dammit. Well, happy birthday.

RED: Sooo, is the happy birthday fun over yet?

KITTY: Noooo...ahahaha...Bob and Midge wanna take us out to dinner tonight.

RED: Bob and Midge?! Kitty it’s my birthday!

KITTY: I know but they like you and they want you to have fun on your birthday like I do.

RED: If they really like me they’d leave me alone!

FORMAN BASEMENT

ERIC: Man, last night we could hear the Pinciotti’s fighting al the way across the driveway. It was horrible. It was all: ‘You’re the devil Midge’ ‘OH Bob, shut up’

KELSO: ‘OH Bob, shut up’, that’s classic!

HYDE: Man if you get any dumber you’re gonna need a helmet. Bummer for Donna huh, can’t believe they’re sleeping in different bedrooms.

ERIC: Yeah I know. Wait I don’t know, what are you talking about?

FEZ: Well, Hyde knows something about Donna that Eric does not know. This is an interesting development, let’s watch...

HYDE: Midge is sleeping in the guestbedroom man.

ERIC: How did you know that? Did Donna tell you that?

HYDE: Look Forman, it’s not a big deal. I guess she’s just telling me stuff she’s not telling you.

JACKIE: See, this is why communication is so important. Now, Michael and I always...

ERIC: Excuse me, we were talking about Donna and me and how...

JACKIE: Oh hush, no-one cares! Now, Michael never keeps secrets from me, do you sweetie?

KELSO: Huh? Oh, no, never.

JACKIE: Michael, you hesitated! Why did you hesitate?

KELSO: No I didn’t hesitate! Did I Hyde?

HYDE: Yep.

KELSO: Fez?!

FEZ: Oh yes if you really loved her you would not have hesitated.

JACKIE: Conversation Michael! The van! NOW! (she drags him with her)

KELSO: Noooooo, noooo I didn’t hesitate! You guys are DEAD!

RESTAURANT

KITTY: Well, so what do you think birthday boy? Cause I think it’s gonna be fun!

RED: Well you know, good food, old friends, this might not be too bad Kitty.

Bob and Midge come in, they each brought a date

BOB: Hehey, the gangs all here! This is my date Carol.

MIDGE: And this is my date, Ted.

RED: You brought dates?!

BOB: We sure did!

KITTY: Ahahahahaha! Happy birthday!

RESTAURANT, later that evening

BOB: Yeah Carol here is just terrific, she loves horses!

CAROL: I love horses!

MIDGE: And Ted’s a marriage counselor!

KITTY: You have just done a lovely job with these two.

TED: Hey thanks! (to Bob) Hoehaa!

RED: Riiiight. So you two are gonna save your marriage by dating strangers. Great.

MIDGE: When you say it like that Red it sounds stupid.

RED: Okay Midge, say it so it doesn’t sound stupid.

KITTY: Okay here now maybe this cheese toast will make your birthday happy.

RED: No Kitty, I think I have lost my appetite (waiter puts a plate in front of him) God that is a great looking T-bone! Is there butter on this?

TED: Hoehaa!

RED: Riiight. Now I’m gonna eat this steak, but first, I’m gonna make a birthday wish. Here it is: I wish everyone would shut up! (he starts cutting his steak)

THE VISTACRUISER

Eric and Donna are making out

DONNA: Something wrong?

ERIC: No. So, is there anything on your mind? Someone you might wanna talk to?

DONNA: No (grabs Eric and kisses him)

ERIC in his mind: Don’t take no for an answer, she talked to Hyde, get her to talk to you. Get her to... Oh my God, that can’t be her tongue, can it? How is she doing that?! So...soft...so...WAIT! Focus! Talk!

ERIC: So, nothing on your mind? Nothing..(Donna takes off her jacket) That’s a pretty little...shirt... (they start to kiss again)

ERIC in his mind: Holy God, she’s sucking my tongue, she’s sucking my tongue, oh my God even her spit is sweet, it’s like licking jelly...there is something wrong with me...No there’s not, I’m seventeen...WAIT!

ERIC: So NOTHING? To confide? In me? Eric? Your boyfriend?

DONNA: Well okay, here is something... I love making out with you (she kisses him again)

ERIC in his mind: There! So we talked. Yeah, that was nice (they lay down)

RESTAURANT

CAROL: Horses are beautiful. And they’re very smart, they can count you know.

KITTY: Oh honey honey, you just...you just gotta shut up! 

TED: Speaking of, has anyone read ??? I gave a copy to Midge, but no offence sweetie, it may be a little too deep for her.

MIDGE: Wait a minute! What do you mean, no offence?

TED: Well I mean, don’t be offended.

MIDGE: Oh! (laughs and continues eating)

BOB: Listen, you insult my wife one more time youre gonna be wearing your steak as a hat!

TED: I’m sorry!

MIDGE: Oh Bob that was so sweet! Like in highschool when you used to hit people just for looking at me. Remember?

BOB: Course I remember. I still have the scar from Joe Abruzzi’s dental plate! (he shows his hand to Midge)

MIDGE kisses his hand: You big bear!

BOB: Rooaarrr! (he starts kissing Midges hand, working his way up her arm) I errr..left my wallet in the car Midge! (he leaves)

MIDGE: OH, I left my...sex with Bob in the car! (she leaves)

RED: Check please! (waiter hands it to him, Red takes a look) Ah there you go, that’s for you! (hands the tab to Ted) Come Kitty (they leave)

THE BASEMENT

ERIC: Donna wouldn’t even talk to me, she just kept sticking her tongue down my throat.

HYDE: Oh boohoo Forman! You get to fool around with a totally hot chick and you never have to talk about her feelings. Ts, you poor french-kissing bastard.

KELSO: Yeah Hyde’s right. One time I asked Jackie what was wrong, and she didn’t shut up for like three straight days.

FEZ: You know Kelso, sometimes you do not know what you have until it is gone. And then someone else has it, and it is not you, and then that someone else is really happy.

KELSO: What are you talking about?

HYDE: You don’t know what he’s talking about? I say get the helmet! (Eric gets up and gives a football helmet to Hyde) Kelso put this on!

KELSO: Shut up, I’m not putting the helmet on! And what are you talking about?

FEZ: I’ll tell you what I’m talking about if you put the helmet on.

KELSO puts it on: FINE!

FEZ: If you don’t take care of Jackie, you are going to lose her.

KELSO: Pfffttt....that’s just stupid!

ERIC: Look Hyde, all I know is that you’re talking to my girlfriend and I don’t like it.

HYDE: Hey man, I was friends with Donna before you ever became her little boyfriend.

ERIC: Hyde, you’re pissing me off!

HYDE: Why don’t you think Forman, you get to make out with one of the hottest chicks in Wisconsin, while I’m being all sympathetic and relating my crappy life to her, and I’m pissing you off? You’re supposed to be the friend and I’M supposed to be the make-out guy! Now that I think about it, you’re pissing ME off!

THE GARAGE

Red and Kitty get out of their car

RED: What the hell kind of a world are we living in? Hey, let’s date other people, hey, let’s date other people but ditch them and do it in a car! That’s enlightend? In my days we called them degenerates and we stoned them! With big rocks!

KITTY: Oh, you did not.

RED: Well, we should have.

KITTY: Well you know, your birthday is not over for another two hours...

RED: Oh Kitty, we have no ceiling on our bedroom. What if a plane flew over?

KITTY: Okay...Well the kids are out, there’s a big comfy couch in the livingroom...

RED (hugs Kitty): You know what I love about you?

KITTY: What?

RED: Lots of stuff! Come on (opens kitchen door) I’ll race ya!

They burst into the livingroom, where Fez, Kelso and Hyde are watching TV

HYDE: Hey Red, Mrs. Forman. How was your night?

RED: What the hell are you doing in my livingroom?

KELSO: Watching Star Trek. In color. See that guy, he’s one side black and one side white and the othet guy is one side white, one side black. In color!

RED: This house is always littered with kids! It’s like we’re...mormons!

KITTY: Okay, come on, follow me sailor (she takes him by his arm)

FEZ: Red needs to control his anger.

RED: I HEARD THAT!

Red and Kitty are in the kitchen

KITTY: Oh I know! Let’s go to the basement!

RED: Oh Kitty. I just want this day to be over.

KITTY: No! This day is not over! I wanted you to have a nice birthday, you know, sometimes birthdays are not just about you, they are about the people around you who want you to have a nice birthday. SO, it’s about ME, now get downstairs and get those pants off mister!

PINCIOTTI KITCHEN

Eric enters

ERIC: Donna, I’m glad you’re here. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and ehm I’m not mad anymore.

DONNA: Okay. Mad about what?

ERIC: Oh, well uhh, Hyde told me that you two talked about your home-situation...

DONNA: You guys talked about me?!

ERIC: Yeah...well...see but Kelso was wearing a helmet so he only heard like half of it...and I’m not really sure about Fez his grasp of English, I mean he nods a lot but...

DONNA: I can’t believe you guys talked about me!

ERIC: Well...to be honest, it was al lot of Hyde, with the uhhh (waves his hands) Donna and the parents and the separate bedrooms and we all like whooo ho, hold up there Hyde, I don’t think she’d like you talking about...

DONNA: GOD!!

ERIC: NO! I...Just hear me out! Cause...I don’t know why you talked to Hyde, but...I forgive you.

DONNA: YOU forgive ME?

ERIC: ....No,...what I’m saying..you don’t have to do that anymore, because I’m here for you!

DONNA: Okay, thanks loads Eric, but you can’t help me with this. Your family is...a family!

ERIC: Donna to be fair, you didn’t give me a chance, you never came to me with this.

DONNA: Allright fine! You know what, you wanna be part of this whole thing? You do? Fine! My parents, they’re on a freakin’ date right now!

ERIC: Well, you know, that’s nice.

DONNA: With other people!

ERIC: Well you know, the more the merrier, take some of the pressure off...

DONNA: They’re each dating the other people!!

ERIC: But they’re married... OH GOD!!!

DONNA: See!

ERIC: I mean, I don’t know...

Bob and Midge enter the kitchen

BOB: Hey Donna, Eric, glad you’re here, great news!

MIDGE: Your father and I had sex!

DONNA: Oh my...

BOB: In the car!

DONNA: Oh my....

ERIC: Well that’s...SUPER, right? Isn’t that super Donna, I don’t...

DONNA: Are you guys like back together ?

BOB: Oh no.

MIDGE: Yeah, why ruin a good thing?

They leave, chasing eachother

DONNA: Okay...so...what’s your take on that?

ERIC: .........I got nothing......

DONNA: What am I gonna do?

ERIC: I don’t know. So..hey...who’s your stupid boyfriend?

DONNA: Errr...you are...

ERIC: Hey at least I’m trying to get smarter right?

DONNA: Thank you (Eric takes Donna’s hand)

FORMAN LIVINGROOM

JACKIE: Say it.

KELSO: I do not keep secrets from you.

JACKIE: Again.

KELSO: I do not keep secrets from you.

JACKIE: Again.

KELSO: I do not keep secrets from you.

FEZ: Aiiii SHUT UP! I am going insane! Kelso, if you want to possess a woman, this is what you need to do (he takes Jackies hand) I as a mortal, am not worthy of your love, you are a goddess, and I worship you. And I dedicate every moment of my waking life to your joy...

KELSO taking Jackies hand: Okay, what he said!

JACKIE: Oh Michael!

They hug and kiss. Fez puts on the football helmet and starts hitting his head on the table.

FORMAN BASEMENT

Red and Kitty are laying down on the couch under a blanket

KITTY: I don’t know any Mormons that do that!

RED: Not without a permit anyway! You know Kitty, this ended up being a pretty good birthday after all.

KITTY: Oh yaaaaayyyy! Happy birthday!

RED: Thanks.

KITTY: What is this?

RED: Ahh cornchips! (they start eating)

THE END