That '70s Show

 Episode 1.23 - Grandma's Dead

Original Airdate: 07-12-1999
Written by Arthur F. Montmorency - Directed by David Trainer
© Originally posted on http://twiztv.com.

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THE CREDITS ROLL SIMULTANEOUSLY
POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN
SUNDAY EVENING
8:38 P.M.
ERIC FORMAN'S DRIVEWAY

RED, KITTY, ERIC and BERNICE all walk out to the Cruiser. RED opens the door for BERNICE.
KITTY: “Oh, um, here, Bernice, I, I made you a plate of leftovers.”
SHE shows her the Tupperware.
BERNICE: “Oh, thank you. Oh! That reminds me, Red, my garbage disposal is still broken.”
KITTY: “Well, just as long as you enjoy it.”
BERNICE: “Listen, I've got an idea. Let's eat out next Sunday. That way, everybody can get something they like.”
KITTY and RED look at ERIC.
ERIC: “Okay Grandma, time to get you home!”
ERIC gets in the car.
RED: “Eric, you gotta warm that car up for at least ten minutes!”
BERNICE: “Oh, he's a good boy! It's just a shame he doesn't have a better home life.”
BERNICE gets in the car and KITTY outs the leftovers on her lap.
BERNICE: “Um, you know, Kitty, when I was raising children, the right way to…”
KITTY interrupts her by slamming the car door shut.
RED: “That's warm enough, Eric.”
ERIC: “But you just said…”
RED: “Show me tail lights!”
ERIC: “Let's go Grandma!”

THE VISTA CRUISER

ERIC is listening to a soft rock song. HE turns the volume a notch up.
BERNICE: “Turn off that beatnik music!”
HE reaches down and turns the radio off.
BERNICE: “Watch the road!”
THEY sit in silence.
BERNICE: “You don't like it when I come to visit.”
ERIC: “Yes, I do. I really do.”
BERNICE: “You're a filthy liar. You didn't learn to lie from my Red. That came from your mother.”
ERIC: “Well, you see grandma, that's the problem right there. Ok? Every time you come to my house, you spend the whole day criticizing my mom.”
BERNICE: “Well, I tell it like it is.”
ERIC: “Ok, grandma, then here's how it is. You're very nasty. And I, I don't see why you have to be so hateful. I don't think being nice for a whole day would kill you.”
SHE falls on ERIC'S shoulder.
ERIC: “Grandma?”
HE stops the car and BERNICE slams into the dashboard.
ERIC: “Grandma? Oh, oh god!”
HE jumps out of the car.

THE DRIVEWAY

ERIC is playing basketball. DONNA comes over.
DONNA: “Hey, what's going on?”
ERIC: “Shooting some hoops!”
HE tries to dribble by her, but SHE touches the ball and it goes rolling by the Cruiser.
DONNA: “Oh, I'll get it.”
SHE goes and looks in the car.
DONNA: “Eric, what's your grandma doing sleeping in the car?”
ERIC: “She's not uh, she's not sleeping. She's dead.”
DONNA doesn't react.
ERIC: “No, really, she's dead.”
DONNA shakes herself out of it.
DONNA: “What? What are you talking about, she's dead?”
ERIC: “I was driving her home, and then I yelled at her, and then she died.”
DONNA: “She died? I mean, what did Red say?”
ERIC: “Oh, I'm not telling Red.”
DONNA: “Um, Eric, I don't mean to criticize, but are you insane? You need to do something!”
KELSO comes running.
KELSO: “Hey, Eric! I just gotta get my eight-track out of the car.”
DONNA: “Kelso!”
HE crawls in the car by the window and gets in, only his legs dangling outside.
KELSO: “Grandma Forman! Can you just move your leg a little bit?”
DONNA: “Kelso, she's dead!”
KELSO jumps out and drops the eight-track.
KELSO: “Oh my God! Ah!!!”
HE looks down at his hands.
KELSO: “Oh my GOD!!”
HE runs off.
DONNA: “Eric, you're in shock. You have to go inside and tell Red right now. Right now!”
ERIC: “Wait, um, will you do it?”
DONNA: “Please! Right now!”
SHE pushes HIM towards the door and HE heads in, but then, HE comes back.
ERIC: “Oh. I forgot the Tupperware.”
HE takes the leftovers and gets in.

FORMAN KITCHEN

KITTY is scrubbing the counter. SHE looks up at him when he gets in.
KITTY: “Oh. She sent back the leftovers. This is so typical of your grandmother, why do I even put up with her?”
ERIC: “Mom, I think you might be coming down a little hard on grandma this time…”
KITTY: “Well, you know what? She is just an evil, evil, horrible little woman. What did she say about me this time?”
ERIC: “Not much.”
RED walks in.
RED: “So, you get your grandma home ok?”
KITTY slams the leftovers on the counter and RED rolls his eyes.
ERIC: “Well, um, you know, the strangest thing happened”

FORMAN GARAGE

RED, ERIC and KITTY are near the passenger seat.
RED: “Ok. Now here's the part where I get lost. How did she hit the sidewalk?”
ERIC: “Well I, opened the door for her.”
RED, screaming : “And what the hell was going through your head when you did that?”
KITTY: “Oh, just yell at him, Red. I'm sure that his grandmother dying hasn't upset him enough.”
RED: “Eric, take your mother in the house. She's hysterical.”
ERIC, babbling : “Yes, sir. And um, I have to tell you, sir, when we were driving, I said to grandma, I said, I said…”
RED: “Eric! This is no time to get upset!”
KITTY: “Well, when is the right time?”
RED: “I'll handle this, Eric, you just take your mother in the house.”
ERIC: “Mom.”
ERIC guides KITTY to the house.
KITTY: “Well, this, this is a, this is a, a terrible loss!”
ERIC: “Mom, didn't you just say that she was evil?”
KITTY: “I never said any such thing.”
ERIC: “Okay.”

FORMAN KITCHEN

KITTY: “Oh, sweetie, I am so glad you're here.”
LAURIE: “Yeah, I had a final this week.”
KITTY: “Oh, I'm so sorry honey.”
LAURIE: “Oh, no, this couldn't have come at a better time, I was really unprepared… But I miss Grandma!”
KITTY: “I know, honey. We all do.”
KITTY takes out some biscuits from the oven.
LAURIE: “Mom, what is with all this food?”
KITTY: “Well, you know. Busy hands are happy hands.”
SHE and LAURIE sit down.
KITTY: “Ok. Would you like a cup of chili with your waffles?”
LAURIE: “I don't know… Sure!”
RED sits down.
KITTY: “So. How did your brother take the news?”
RED: “Oh, you know Marty. He's talking about his feelings, and then he started bawling, so I hung up on him. I'm not paying long distance rates to listen to that crap.”
LAURIE: “Uncle Marty is so in touch with his feelings. It's like he's completely self-actualized.”
RED: “He's a dumbass.”
KITTY: “Now Red, honey, I…I don't think that you're really mad at Marty. I think you are just going through one of the five stages of dealing with death.”
RED: “What are you talking about?”
KITTY: “There are five stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.”
RED: “Kitty, I've got two stages. Anger, and drinking.”

THE BASEMENT

DONNA are ERIC are sitting on the couch.
DONNA: “Eric, I don't care what you said to your grandmother. You did not kill her.”
ERIC: “I did, Donna. I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.”
DONNA: “Have you talked to Red about this?”
ERIC: “I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? And this is like, twice as bad! Well, I don't really wanna talk about this anymore.”
DONNA: “Eric, you need to talk about this.”
ERIC: “Donna, we don't talk about things in the Forman family. It's not like your house where every time you have a "feeling" you dad gives you a big hug and a gold star.”
DONNA, upset : “I'm just trying to help you here.”
ERIC: “Well, I don't…talking isn't gonna help me! Ok? What's gonna help me, is, like, drinking!”
DONNA: “Well, now you're just being stupid!”
HYDE pokes his head in.
HYDE: “Hey, Forman! Let's go get wasted”
ERIC points to HYDE.
DONNA: “Oh great!”
ERIC: “See? Hyde's a real friend! He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.”
HYDE comes in and lowers himself in front of him.
HYDE: “Your grandma's dead? Oh, man, um. Let's go get wasted.”
DONNA: “Well Yeah!”
HYDE and ERIC leave.

FORMAN LIVING ROOM

RED and MARTY are sitting on the couch .
MARTY: “As fellow human beings, not brothers, human beings, how do you feel?”
RED: “What the hell is wrong with you?”
MARTY: “I got away from this family, I'm not afraid of my feelings!”
RED: “Well, I am.”
KITTY comes in with a plate heaped up with sandwiches.
KITTY: “Ok, now. Who would like a Monte Cristo?”
HE picks one up.
MARTY: “Oh, Kitty! Groovy sandwiches. No red meat, right?”
KITTY: “Oh, no. Just ham.”
HE looks at her and puts it back.
RED: “You know, Marty, we really should talk about ma's funeral.”
MARTY: “Oh, don't worry. It's on me.”
RED: “It's not a round of beers. We'll split the cost.”
MARTY: “Sweet Red. You're so generous. Even when you're low on funds. I just want what's best for mom!”
MARTY starts crying.
RED: “Yeah, Marty, that's, that's what we all want. It's just when I feel bad, I don't cry like a little girl!”

A BAR

HYDE, FEZ, KELSO and ERIC are sitting at a table.
ERIC pounds his fist on the table.
ERIC: “Waitress! Waitress!”
HYDE: “Forman, relax. Ok?”
A WAITRESS comes over.
HYDE: “Hi, uh, we're gonna need a pitcher and four glasses please.”
WAITRESS: “I'm gonna need to see some ID.”
HYDE pulls out a fake I.D. card.
HYDE: “Of course. I have mine right here but the rest of the fellas left theirs back at the military base.”
WAITRESS: “Gotcha.”
SHE leaves. Two girls walk up to the table.
CHARLENE: “Uh, so you're in the military. What base are you from?”
HYDE: “It's a secret military base.”
CHARLOTTE: “I'm Charlotte and this is my sister Charlene.”
KELSO: “I'm Ted.”
HYDE: “Sergeant Shaft.”
ERIC: “Call me Honcho.”
FEZ: “I am Eric Forman.”
THE WAITRESS comes back with the pitcher and the glasses.
CHARLENE: “Oh, uh, Sally, put that on our tab and bring everybody a round of shots.”
FEZ: “What is going on?”
KELSO: “They're picking us up!”
FEZ: “Aï no!”
KELSO: “No, it's a good thing!”
FEZ: “Oh, okay!”
KELSO pulls CHARLOTTE to his lap.
KELSO: “Get over here!”
TWO GUYS come in.
GUY #1: “Excuse me, fellas, but we need to talk to the ladies.”
HYDE: “Yeah, well these ladies are with us, ok?”
GUY #1: “Well they came in with us, ok? Great.”
FEZ stands up.
FEZ: “Get lost! They are trying to pick us up!”
GUY #1 pushes FEZ back to his seat.
GUY #1: “I think you've had quite enough firewater there, chief.”
ERIC stands up.
ERIC: “Hey, you mess with Eric Forman, and you mess with me.”
GUY #1: “Are you looking for trouble?”
ERIC starts pushing the GUY lightly with his fingers.
ERIC: “Oh yes. Oh, I'm looking for trouble.”
THE GUY punches ERIC out. HE takes off his jacket.
GUY #1: “Anybody else? Huh?”
HYDE: “Well, there's three of us, so…Yeah!”
HYDE and KELSO jump on the GUY. The second MAN jumps in too. FEZ turns to the GIRLS.
FEZ: “So, where were we? Oh yes. You were picking me up.”

FORMAN KITCHEN

KITTY, MARTY and RED are at the table. KITTY is smoking.
KITTY: “Well now, where is Eric? It's two in the morning. I'm worried sick.”
MARTY: “Eric is acting out. He doesn't have the emotional tools to deal with this tragedy.”
RED: “You're an emotional tool, Marty.”
KITTY: “Now. Who would like lemon bun cake?”
SHE gets up and starts preparing it. ERIC comes in, holding his head down.
RED: “Where the hell have you been?”
ERIC: “Um, I went to a bar.”
KITTY: “Eric, have you been drinking?”
ERIC: “No, I've been fighting.”
HE looks up at her and reveals his black eye.
KITTY: “Oh, my lord!”
MARTY: “Eric, it's ok. Just let the feelings out.”
ERIC opens his mouth, about to speak.
RED: “Put 'em back in there, Eric!”
HE stand up and goes to MARTY and ERIC.
MARTY: “You know, when a father and son…”
RED: “Marty, you are this close to a headlock!”
MARTY: “Goodnight!”
HE leaves.
KITTY: “Eric, just because there has been a tragedy in the family, it's no reason to act crazy. My son, getting in a bar fight like, like some kind of…bar fighter!”
RED: “Kitty. Stop cooking, and go to bed.”
HE takes away her bowl and kisses her on the forehead.
KITTY: “Ok. Alright. When the timer goes off, one of you better take that roast out of the oven or there will be hell to pay!”
RED: “Sit down, Eric.”
ERIC sits down. RED takes a beer out of the fridge and puts it in front of ERIC.
RED: “Don't drink that. Put it on your eye.”
ERIC takes it and puts it on his eye. RED slaps him lightly on the head.
RED: “Come on! I'm kidding!”
ERIC opens the beer and takes a gulp.
ERIC: “So… This is beer.”

THE FUNERAL HOME

PASTOR: “And as much as we all miss Bernice, we must remember that she is now in a far better place.”
HYDE tips his chair forward and whispers to ERIC.
HYDE: “You don't have to die to get to a better place, man, just drive fifty miles in any direction!”
ERIC: “Shut up!”
KELSO: “You ok?”
JACKIE: “I don't know, Michael. It's just that, death is so unexpected. And we are such fragile beings, never knowing when the flame of our lives will be blown out by the wind of death.”
KELSO: “What?”
JACKIE: “I am so turned on, aren't you?”
KELSO: “Okay.”
JACKIE: “Let's go.”
KELSO: “Car?”
JACKIE: “Coat room.”
KELSO: “Better.”
THEY get up and leave.

The coffin is open and people are coming by to offer their last thoughts. These are thoughts.
KITTY: “Um, I know we had our differences. I married Red and, and, and you hated me. Um, well, uh, just try to be nicer to god.”
SHE leaves.
LAURIE: “Life is so complicated. You get old and die. Thank god I'm still young and hot.”
SHE leaves.
HYDE: “Man, I can't believe they're just gonna throw that ring away!”
HE starts to reach for the ring.
HYDE: “Ah, no, I can't!”
HE leaves.
FEZ: “Oh my god, there's a body in here!”
HE leaves.
RED: “Well, ma, I…Oh for god's sake!”
HE leaves and comes back with the PASTOR.
PASTOR, out loud : “Oh, sorry. Those should be closed.”
HE closes BERNICE'S eyes.

ERIC is sitting on a bench after the funeral. DONNA comes over and sits next to him.
DONNA: “Hey. Oh, god, you got a black eye! It looks pretty hot.”
ERIC: “Well, you should see the other guy!”
DONNA: “Did you really lay him out?”
ERIC: “No, I mean he was huge! You just, You should've seen him. The fact I even took the punch is a testament to how tough I really am!”
DONNA hugs him but her arm pushes against ERIC'S black eye.
ERIC: “Oww!”
DONNA: “Oh, sorry!”
THEY hug.
ERIC: “Look, Donna, I'm sorry. About the other night, I was acting crazy. And um, and I'm completely over it now. I mean you just, you can't dwell on these things.”
DONNA: “So you had a heart to heart with Red?”
ERIC: “Hell no!”
DONNA: “So you're still just suppressing everything?”
ERIC: “Sure beats dealing with it now, right?”
DONNA: “Yeah.”
ERIC: “Hug?”
THEY hug.

THE FUNERAL HOME

RED, KITTY, MARTY, LAURIE, ERIC and DONNA are standing while people are offering their condolences.
JACKIE, to RED : “I'm really sorry your mom died. It's like, sad and stuff.”
SHE leaves .
KELSO, to RED : “Hey! Pretty great funeral, huh?”
HE leaves and RED stares after him.
HYDE, to RED : “Red, I'm sorry about your mom, man. And I'm sorry Kelso's an idiot.”
HE leaves.
FEZ, to RED : “Mister Red, always remember. A mother's goodness is carried on forever by her sons.”
MARTY starts crying.
RED: “Have you met my sister Marty?”

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

HYDE and the FORMAN family are emptying the car that's full with BERNICE'S stuff.
HYDE: “Hey, what's all this stuff?”
RED: “Cameras. My dad was an amateur photographer. Had his own darkroom.”
HYDE: “Really? Hey Forman, you have any naked pictures of your grandma?”
HE gives ERIC the box.
ERIC: “No!”
HYDE laughs .
HYDE: “You do now!”
HYDE and ERIC go inside.
RED: “Hey! My old train set!”
MARTY: “Your train set? That was our train set.”
RED: “Well, really it should've been mine. You never played with it right.”
MARTY: “Red, do you wanna keep the trains?”
RED: “If you don't want 'em.”
MARTY: “Well, it's not about me. It's about what you want. Make an honest declaration of your needs.”
RED: “Would you cut the crap!”
MARTY: “Just say to me, ‘Marty, I want the trains.'”
RED: “Marty, I'd be glad to hang on to them for you.”
MARTY: “Are you asking me for them?”
RED: “No!”
MARTY: “Fine! Then I'll keep them.”
HE takes the trains and goes in the house.
RED: “Fine! Go ahead and keep 'em! I don't want the damn things!”
RED stops KITTY before she goes in.
RED: “Kitty! You go in there and tell that bastard to give me my trains!”
KITTY: “Red, it's your problem! I gotta make a pie!”

FORMAN LIVINGROOM

The train set is set up and RED is sitting on the ground, watching it.
KITTY: “Oh, well now, see? Marty left you the trains.”
RED: “Yeah, he did. And he even set it up right. See, the stations are all spread out. Five stops, five times the fun. If he thinks he's playing with 'em when he visits, he's got another thing coming.”
KITTY: “Now, Red, you have to share with your brother.”
RED, like a little child : “I don't wanna!”
KITTY: “Ok. I am gonna go make a coffee cake! Toot toot!”
SHE goes to the kitchen. ERIC comes down the stairs .
ERIC: “Hey, dad, nice trains.”
RED: “Yeah. You know I can't believe that your grandmother held onto them all these years, I thought she'd thrown them away.”
ERIC: “Yeah, she was a good egg, Grandma.”
RED: “Yes she was. You know when I was a little boy, I hated peaches. And mom knew that, so uh, whenever she made a peach pie, she'd make a little blueberry pie. Special. Just for me. You know, she was the first one to call me Red. And the last time I saw her, I didn't, I didn't say I love you, I didn't even say goodbye. I said show me the tail lights…”
ERIC: “Dad, um. The last thing I said to her was, it wouldn't kill you to be nice. But I think it did because she died.”
RED stares at him, then starts laughing.
RED: “That could only happen to you, son! It's okay.”
ERIC: “I know.”
KITTY comes in with a depressed look on her face .
RED: “What's the matter Kitty?”
KITTY: “I'm all out of eggs. And flour!”
SHE starts crying.
RED: “Come here.”
RED gets up and hugs her .
RED: “Eric.”
RED motions to ERIC to join him, and they all hug. LAURIE comes downstairs .
LAURIE: “Hey, do you think these diamonds are real?”
SHE sees them hugging.
LAURIE: “Oh. Family moment. I'll leave you three alone.”

THE TAG

THE GRAVEYARD

ERIC and DONNA are at the graveyard. ERIC goes to BERNICE'S grave .
DONNA: “I'm just gonna wait over here.”
ERIC, talking to the grave : “I'm really sorry that our last conversation didn't go so smooth. But, um, look. That is not how I feel about you at all.”
THE GRAVE: “Then why did you kill me Eric? I'll never forgive you!”
ERIC looks behind the gravestone and finds HYDE sitting there.
ERIC: “What the hell are you doing out here?”
HYDE: “Freezing my nads off for a joke man!”

THE END