THAT '70s SHOW
1X22: PUNK CHICK
Original Airdate on FOX: June 21, 1999
Written by Dave Schiff. Directed by David Trainer
Transcript archived at TWIZ TV.COM
DO NOT use/post this transcript elsewhere without PERMISSION.
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POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN
SATURDAY, 9:37 P.M.
ERIC FORMAN'S VISTA CRUISER
THE POINT
DONNA and ERIC are making out in the car. ERIC'S hands are pawing at something under DONNA'S shirt.
DONNA: “What are you doing?”
ERIC: “Nothing.”
THEY start kissing again. WE see ERIC'S hands groping under DONNA'S shirt again. DONNA'S shirt from the behind becomes transparent and we see that ERIC is trying to unhook DONNA'S bra. In the hook's place is a Master lock. ERIC tried the combination but he can't open it.
DONNA: “How's it going back there?”
ERIC: “Ok, Donna. Just for that, I'm not taking your bra off!”
DONNA: “Well, you weren't taking it off anyway!”
THE HUB
HYDE is sitting down, reading a newspaper while FEZ is on the phone.
FEZ: “Hello, House of Chicken? How big are your wings?”
HYDE looks up from his paper.
HYDE: “Breast!”
FEZ: “Oh. How big are your breasts?”
A PAUSE.
FEZ: “This is Fez, who is this?”
HYDE motions to him to hang up. HE does so.
FEZ: “My first prank call!”
HE sits near HYDE.
FEZ: “Every night with you is an adventure!”
HYDE: “Yeah, Fez, it's a real roller coaster, ain't it?”
FEZ: “Hyde, how come you do not have a girlfriend? Maybe if you did something with your hair…”
FEZ plays with HYDE'S hair. HYDE swaps at his hand.
A GIRL comes in.
CHRISSY: “Hey, you! Is there a motel in this puke hole?”
HYDE: “There's a Sleepy Time Lodge three puke holes over.”
CHRISSY: “Thanks. I'm Chrissy.”
HYDE: “I'm Hyde.”
CHRISSY: “Who cares! You wanna, uh… hop on my Vespa and uh, show me where it is?”
HYDE looks outside at a shiny blue Vespa.
HYDE: “Mother of god, I think I love you.”
CHRISSY: “Love is an outdated concept used by industrialists to keep women subservient.”
HYDE sees CHRISSY as an angel with two electric guitars as wings and an Anarchy symbol for halo.
HYDE: “Mother of god I do love you!”
OPENING CREDITS
THE BASEMENT
ERIC and KELSO are playing pong, but KELSO is reading a magazine at the same time and not looking at the screen.
ERIC: “Damn! Damn! Damn!”
HE throws away his paddle. KELSO doesn't look up from his magazine.
KELSO: “What happened?”
ERIC: “What… You just beat me fifteen nothing!”
KELSO throws away his magazine.
KELSO: “So what? I mean, hitting a ball with two paddles is so boring! I need a new challenge, something totally different. I need to hit the ball with…with smaller paddles! Where's Red keep his tools?”
HE jumps up and begins gathering up the Atari.
ERIC: “Oh, no. Not Red's pong. I don't think you should be going up to…”
KELSO: “The garage! Of course!”
ERIC: “Ok, you know, if you screw that up, he's gonna blame me.”
KELSO: “I know.”
HE continues gathering up the Atari.
CHRISSY'S VESPA
HYDE and CHRISSY are on the Vespa. A lot of road signs fly past them: Woolworth, Fatso Burger, Rusty's Hardware,
Woolworth, Rusty's Hardware, Woolworth, Rusty's Hardware, Yield, Woolworth, Fatso Burger, No Trespassing, Woolworth, Woolworth. THEY kiss .
MOTEL ROOM
CHRISSY puts out a cigarette .
CHRISSY: “Who would've thought I'd meet a radical number like you in a slag heap town like this?”
HYDE: “I can't believe you're just passing through, man. You're dark, you're obnoxious, you're dangerously paranoid. Until tonight I didn't even know a girl like you existed!”
CHRISSY: “Has it occurred to you that we're on a bed?”
HYDE: “Oh, man, this is so perfect. You're easy, too?”
CHRISSY: “Yeah. See, the establishment doesn't want us having sex because they know it makes us feel good, right?”
HYDE: “Yeah.”
CHRISSY: “So, if we can feel good on our own, what do we need the establishment for? So every time we have sex, it's a huge protest!”
HYDE: “You know what? I think I feel a huge protest coming on.”
THEY start kissing.
FORMAN KITCHEN
JACKIE: “Thank you so much for helping me with my home ec project, Mrs. Forman.”
KITTY: “Well, you're welcome, honey. Now, Jackie, have you ever made a pie before?”
JACKIE: “No, I don't really cook much. I just plan on getting by on my looks!”
KITTY: “Ok, then!”
SHE goes to the fridge. KELSO walks in with the Atari and he and JACKIE look at each other uncomfortably.
JACKIE: “Michael.”
KELSO: “Jackie. What are you doing here?”
JACKIE: “I'm baking a pie!”
KELSO: “I'm making small paddles.”
JACKIE: “Fine!”
KELSO: “Fine!”
HE leaves.
THE BASEMENT
ERIC: “So Donna, what say you and I take a little drive tonight?”
DONNA: “I don't know… Do you think you can unlock the car?”
FEZ: “Mmm…where should the three of us go on our drive?”
ERIC: “Actually, Fez, just…um…Donna and I are gonna…”
FEZ gets up.
FEZ: “Oh, I see. So you are going to ditch me! Just like Hyde. Everyday, I am here with my heart on my sleeve, hoping only for friendship and acceptance. And what do I get? Abandonment. Loneliness. When is it Fez's turn?! Where is my whore?!”
HYDE walks in, his legs far apart.
FEZ: “Damn you, Hyde! Did you go horseback riding without me?”
HYDE sits on the arm of the couch.
HYDE: “No! I just met the most amazing woman. Chrissy! And she just ditched her entire life to start over in New York, man.”
DONNA: “Wait! Wait. Why is she, why is she going to New York?”
HYDE: “She's gonna start a punk band!”
FEZ: “A punk band! Cool. What is punk anyways?”
HYDE: “Punk is the annihilistic outcry against the corporate rock ‘n roll take over. It's the soundtrack to the revolution, man!”
ERIC: “I thought you said Blue Oyster Cult was the soundtrack to the revolution.”
DONNA nods.
HYDE: “Look! The point is, is that…she asked me to go with her.”
ERIC: “Whoa, whoa, why would you wanna go to New York?”
HYDE: “Well, it's a big city, man! The bars are open 'til four, it's where all the music is happening. Hey. If I can make it there…”
ERIC: “You can't make it there!”
HYDE: “But if I can make it there…”
ERIC: “But you won't make it there!”
HYDE: “Would you just listen? If I can make it there… Damn it, Forman, now I lost my train of thought!”
THE GARAGE
KELSO is working on the pong paddles. RED walks in.
RED: “Kelso, you have ten seconds to tell me what you're doing.”
KELSO turns around.
KELSO: “I can explain!”
RED: “Nine seconds!”
KELSO: “Um, see…”
RED: “Eight!”
KELSO: “Ok, but this counting…”
RED: “Three!”
KELSO: “What?! No! There's no way! That was five seconds!”
RED: “It is now! Three!”
KELSO: “I just wanted…”
RED: “Two…”
KELSO: “Smaller paddles!”
RED: “Time!”
KELSO: “Don't hurt me!”
RED thinks about it.
RED: “Smaller paddles? Is it broken?”
KELSO: “Ok, I'm too good at pong. It's a curse.”
RED: “I know what you mean. It's boring! I haven't played with this thing in over a month!”
KELSO: “Right! Right, exactly! Ok, now stay with me here. That's why I took it apart. See, smaller paddles equal bigger fun!”
RED: “You may have something there.”
KELSO laughs out of relief.
RED: “We'll give it a try. Seeing as you already opened it!”
KELSO: “Great!”
RED: “And hey! If we can't put it back together, you owe me a hundred and eighteen bucks!”
KELSO: “I don't have a hundred and eighteen bucks.”
RED: “Well then I have to kill you!”
RED chuckles and KELSO follows him nervously.
FORMAN KITCHEN
KITTY and JACKIE are coughing over a very burned pie.
KITTY: “Ok, ok. Jackie, alright, honey, let's, let's just review. What do you think went wrong with this pie?”
JACKIE: “Too many eggs.”
KITTY: “No.”
JACKIE: “The pan was too small.”
KITTY: “Not even close!”
JACKIE: “Is it because Michael doesn't love me any more?”
KITTY: “Almost! It's because you were talking on the phone about Michael instead of watching the pie like you promised me you would this time. Again. You liar!”
KITTY laughs.
THE BASEMENT aka THE CIRCLE
ERIC: “I don't know, Hyde. I mean, here, you're the cool guy. But, you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like…Lou Reed, man! Do you wanna mess with that?”
FEZ: “Why do you want to leave Point Place? It is fun!”
HYDE is eating out of a peanut butter jar.
HYDE: “Yeah, it is fun, man! And, I'm gonna miss the hell outta you guys! But Chrissy's cool. And it's the Big Apple, man! Hey, do you think Lou Reed's in the phone book? ‘Cause I bet he'd really like me!”
HE passes the jar to KELSO.
KELSO: “Lou Reed. Where're you going? Who's Chrissy?”
HE passes it to ERIC.
ERIC: “It's not so bad here, man! We got the TV, and peanut butter, and I got this thing!”
HE shows a paddle and a string. The ball is missing.
ERIC: “Well, the ball part rolled under the dryer.”
FEZ: “Hyde, you cannot leave. You gave me my first beer, remember? And then I threw up on that cop?”
HYDE laughs.
HYDE: “That was a good time, man!”
KELSO: “Wait a minute! Back up! Nobody tells me anything! What's the ball doing under the dryer?”
THE VISTA CRUISER
DONNA: “So Hyde's like, Hyde's like, really leaving.”
ERIC: “Yeah. It's like, time's just passing us by, you know? You've gotta, like, seize the day!”
DONNA: “You are so right!”
ERIC: “Yeah!”
THEY jump on each other and start kissing. DONNA starts laughing.
ERIC: “Ok, what's so funny?”
DONNA: “Nothing, nothing.”
ERIC: “You… No, tell me.”
DONNA: “I know you're going for the bra.”
ERIC: “How… How did you know?”
DONNA: “It's just, every time you go for my bra your lips stop moving.”
ERIC: “So, um…you're really not having any fun?”
DONNA: “No, I'm having a good time. I would just like a little attention while you're struggling with my underwear. I'm here too. It doesn't always have to be about the ‘Twins'.”
ERIC cracks a smile.
ERIC: “The ‘Twins'? Is that what you call them? That is so very hot!”
DONNA looks at him, offended.
ERIC: “Okay.”
HE's about to start the car, but first he beats his head on the steering wheel.
DONNA: “Take me home!”
FORMAN KITCHEN
KITTY is throwing another pie in the trash can.
KITTY: “Jackie, just take the money and buy a pie!”
JACKIE: “Mrs. Forman, if I buy a pie that's cheating and I'll fail!”
KITTY: “Trust me. If you bake it, you'll fail too!”
RED walks in.
RED: “What's this about Hyde moving to New York?”
KITTY: “No, no, he's only seventeen, his mother would never let him do that.”
JACKIE: “Actually, Michael told me that Hyde's mom drinks a lot, so she probably won't even care. You know, drunk people are like that.”
KITTY walks over to JACKIE.
KITTY: “Ok. Let's make another pie. I will make the filling, and I will make the crust.”
JACKIE: “But what will I make?”
KITTY: “You will go into the living room and make me a drink!”
JACKIE nods and goes. RED sits down.
RED: “He can't just drop out of high school. And New York city is no place for a seventeen year old kid!”
KITTY: “It's Sodom and Gomorrah. With a subway!”
RED: “We'll have to have a talk with him. His mom sure as hell won't do it. And somebody's gotta beat some sense into that idiot!”
KITTY: “Oh Red! You do care!”
FORMAN KITCHEN
KITTY and RED are lecturing HYDE, who's sitting in front of them.
RED: “We don't think that you should go.”
KITTY: “New York is a dangerous place!”
RED: “A young man today needs a high school diploma!”
KITTY: “In New York, you get mugged for no good reason!”
RED: “Do you have any idea what the job market is like?”
KITTY: “The people are rude. And you have feelings!”
RED: “Without that sheepskin you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing!”
KITTY: “They spit! That's right, they spit!”
RED: “What are you gonna put on your resume? Dumbass?”
HYDE: “I'm not afraid of anything, and I'm going!”
HE gets up and leaves.
RED: “Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty!”
HE leaves too.
THE GARAGE
RED and KELSO are looking at a component from the Atari. KELSO moves his screwdriver closer to it.
RED: “Hey! Don't touch. I'm about to take off the doohickey!”
KELSO: “Okay.”
RED moves his tweezers over the component.
KELSO: “Red! Don't you think we should disconnect the transistor from the secondary circuit board first?”
RED: “Well, sure. And then we'll, uh, work on doohickey.”
KELSO: “Bitchin'!”
HYDE'S PORCH
ERIC is sitting on the steps. HYDE is inside, yelling at his mom.
HYDE: “It is too my suitcase!”
EDNA: “Nothing in this house is yours!”
HYDE: “Shut up!”
HE comes outside.
HYDE: “Bitch!”
ERIC: “So your mom's taking it pretty hard, huh.”
HYDE: “Oh, I haven't told her yet.”
ERIC: “So Hyde, you're like…really going through with this!”
HYDE: “Yeah, man. I mean, you know, I know people spit on you there and the rats are as big as your head or whatever, but this might be my only chance to escape, Forman.”
ERIC: “Hey, you can't leave now. Hyde, We're finally getting old enough to do some serious damage to this town! Remember? We were gonna paint that pot leaf on the water tower?”
HYDE: “Vandalism, while tempting, is not enough reason for me to stay. Plus, you can do that without me.”
ERIC: “But we won't do that without you. Hyde, you're the reason we do so many stupid, senseless things!”
HYDE: “Yeah, that is true!”
ERIC: “Hyde, I've never told this to another human being, but I…I… I cannot get Donna's bra off.”
HYDE: “Hooks or snaps?”
ERIC: “Both! She keeps throwing me change ups!”
HYDE: “Alright, here's what you do, okay? You buy a bra, and you practice on it at home. Then you give it to Donna as a gift.”
ERIC: “See? That's brilliant! You're like, an evil genius, man!”
THE MOTEL ROOM
CHRISSY is packing. HYDE walks in.
CHRISSY: “Where's your bag?”
SHE looks at HIM.
CHRISSY: “You're not going…”
HYDE: “No. But I'd like to mount another protest if you have the time.”
CHRISSY walks over and kisses him. SHE gives HYDE a piece of paper.
CHRISSY: “Here's my, uh, my friend's number in New York.”
SHE pushes him.
CHRISSY: “Don't call me!”
HYDE: “Yeah, I won't. Hey, Chrissy, do you mind if I steal the towels?”
CHRISSY: “Sorry. I already got 'em!”
SHE leaves. HYDE looks at an ashtray. HE empties it and puts it in his pocket. HE leaves.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
RED and KELSO are standing in front of the T.V. and over the Atari.
RED: “Well Kelso, good luck!”
KELSO: “Yeah, she's been a great ride, man!”
RED leans over and turns the Atari on. It works.
Red: “It worked!”
KELSO: “Smaller paddles!”
THE jump up and down and THEY hug.
RED: “Congratulations, son! You have seen the future!”
KELSO: “Yeah, yeah, you're so right, Red! Home computers! That is the future!”
RED: “No, no, no. Not computers! Soldering! The future is soldering! Computers!”
THE VISTA CRUISER.
ERIC and DONNA are in the front seat.
DONNA: “Well! What do you know. We're parked again!”
ERIC: “Right, but this time, I just wanna talk. Donna, I am really sorry if I did anything to make you feel uncomfortable.”
DONNA is pleased.
DONNA: “Oh, thanks. I guess part of that's my fault. But I think I know something that'll make you feel better.”
ERIC: “Okay.”
DONNA: “Well, you know I've been having a rough time lately because now we're boyfriend and girlfriend and now that you know I'm on the pill it's like you're always pawing at me. And I wanna fool around but then I think if you get to second base from there you'll have a pretty good view of home and if that happens, who knows what'll happen to you and me? ‘Cause look what happened to Jackie and Kelso, when sex changes everything, and that really really sucks!”
ERIC: “Ok. Um, so what part of that was supposed to make me feel better?”
DONNA: “I'm not wearing a bra.”
ERIC: “You are the best girlfriend ever!”
THEY start making out.
THE TAG
THE BASEMENT
HYDE is sitting on the couch. ERIC comes down and plops down beside him.
HYDE: “You surprised to see me?”
ERIC: “No, I knew you'd stay.”
HYDE: “Yeah, we've been friends way too long.”
ERIC: “No, Chrissy just drove by with some guy on the back of her bike!”
HYDE: “Poor kid. She's grieving.”
THE END