THAT '70s SHOW
1X21: WATER TOWER
Original Airdate on FOX: June 14, 1999
Written by Jeff Filgo, Jackie Behan. Directed by David Trainer
Transcript archived at TWIZ TV.COM
DO NOT use/post this transcript elsewhere without PERMISSION.
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POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN
FRIDAY NIGHT
10:46 P.M.
THE WATER TOWER
THE GUYS are painting something in green paint on the water tower. DONNA and JACKIE are sitting on it's edge.
JACKIE: “Oh my God! From up here, Point Place looks just like Paris!”
DONNA: “You think that looks like Paris? God, no wonder you think Kelso could be a model!”
KELSO: “Whoa! I could so be a model!”
HYDE: “C'mon, man, shut up and just keep painting.”
KELSO jumps down.
KELSO: “It's done!”
ERIC: “Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!”
FEZ: “This is the proudest moment of my life!”
HYDE looks at it.
HYDE: “It doesn't look like a pot leaf.”
KELSO: “What?”
HYDE: “It looks like a hand giving the finger!”
KELSO: “Well, it doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde! It's art!”
HYDE: “Get up and make it better!”
KELSO: “Fine!”
HE climbs back on the railing and starts painting again.
HYDE: “Just…yeah, make it wider…right up there, yeah. Out further, though. Yeah. Right up there…”
KELSO tries to get the spot but he falls off the water tower.
JACKIE: “Oh my God! Michael!”
HYDE: “Hey Kelso!”
KELSO: “Yeah?”
HYDE: “How's it look from down there?”
KELSO: “It looks like it's giving me the finger!”
THE FORMAN LIVING ROOM
THE GANG comes in.
JACKIE: “You guys, this is so stupid. We should just take him to the hospital.”
KELSO: “No, Jackie, then my dad will find out…”
HE flicks his wrist.
KELSO: “Oww! Ohh!!!!”
HYDE: “Shut up!”
ERIC: “Ok, my mom's a nurse. I'm gonna go wake her up. Maybe she can fix him.”
HYDE: “Just don't wake up Red, though. He'll kill us all!”
ERIC: “Gee, you think?”
HE goes upstairs. HE goes straight to his parent's bedroom and, without knocking, opens the door. BACKGROUND music is “Tell me something good” by Rufus. HE looks shocked.
KITTY: “Aww, Red!
RED: “Aww Kitty!”
KITTY: “Aww!”
ERIC closes the door and gets back downstairs, his face still bearing a shocked, frightened and nervous look.
ERIC: “Ok, let's go. Everybody hop in the car and let's…go now.”
KELSO: “Where's your mom?”
ERIC grabs KELSO by his shirt's collar.
ERIC: “Shut up! Don't you dare talk about my mother!”
OPENING CREDITS
THE HOSPITAL
THE GANG is in a hospital room. Eric is sitting in a chair, the look on his face still the same. KELSO is sitting on the bed wearing a hospital jonnie. His arm is in a cast and he is talking with his dad on the phone.
KELSO: “Dad?…No, there is no way this could have been avoided!…Yes! Uh, yeah! The cow kicked me after I tipped it over!…I'M NOT LYING!…Ok, alright. I love you too.”
HE hangs up.
KELSO: “He bought it!”
A NURSE is leaving the room. FEZ stops her.
FEZ: “Um, excuse me? Um, yes. Um, my friend and I would like the sponge bath now, please.”
THE NURSE leaves. DONNA goes to ERIC and leans over him.
DONNA: “Eric, are you alright?”
ERIC: “They were sleeping!”
JACKIE walks up to KELSO.
JACKIE: “Michael, as god is my witness, I will nurse you back to health.”
KELSO: “Thanks, Jackie. I'm in a lot of pain.”
JACKIE: “Awww, my poor baby!”
THEY start kissing. ERIC, disgusted gets up.
ERIC: “Alright, alright, that's it. I'm going home, whoever wants a ride.”
HYDE gets up.
KELSO: “Hey, sorry about tonight, you guys.”
HYDE: “Sorry, why? We got to watch you fall, man! I had a blast!”
DONNA: “See you Kelso!”
THEY leave.
JACKIE: “Hyde is such a jerk. This is all his fault!”
KELSO: “Whoa, what are you talking about?”
JACKIE: “Who said the pot leaf wasn't good enough?”
KELSO: “Hyde did.”
JACKIE: “Mmm-hmm. And who said you should lean out further?”
KELSO: “Hyde did.”
JACKIE: “So who made you fall off the water tower?”
KELSO: “No, no, no, no, wait Jackie, that's, that's crazy. Hyde's like, my best friend!”
JACKIE: “No, no no no, Brian Piccalo and Gayle Sayers were best friends!”
KELSO: “The Brian Song. I love that movie!”
JACKIE: “See Michael, Gayle held Brian's hand and cried. And gave him sips of cool water in his hospital bed.”
KELSO: “Ah!”
JACKIE: “So, where are you now?”
KELSO: “I'm in a hospital bed!”
JACKIE: “And where's Hyde?”
KELSO: “Well, he isn't giving me sips of cool water, that's for sure!”
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
THE FORMANS are eating dinner.
RED: “Well, we've got vandals in this town! I was driving home and I saw the water tower giving me the finger.”
LAURIE: “Vandals, you say? Hmm, where were you last night, Eric?”
ERIC is sitting silent with his head down. KITTY looks at him.
KITTY: “Oh, can it Laurie. Eric, you look pale. Let me see your eyes. Look at me!”
ERIC lifts his eyes and sees her naked.
KITTY: “Got a fever?”
ERIC turns around and looks at RED, who he also sees naked.
RED: “I know what you need. Right after breakfast, I want you to mow the lawn. Fresh air will do you good!”
KITTY wipes something that fell between her breasts.
KITTY: “Eric, is something bothering you?”
ERIC looks from RED to KITTY.
ERIC: “God, make it sop!”
HE jumps up and leaves.
ERIC'S BEDROOM
ERIC sees the scene of walking in on RED and KITTY again in his mind's eye. He wakes up screaming. The clock says 4:10. HE gets back to sleep, but it happens again. The clock says 4:21. IT happens again and again until the radio goes on at 7:00. The song that blares out is “Tell me something good” by Rufus. ERIC puts his blanket over his head.
FORMAN KITCHEN
RED and KITTY are sitting down to breakfast. KITTY is reading a pamphlet: “Is Johnny High?”
KITTY: “Well, ok, now, um…so far Eric is nine out of ten. He's got, he's got blood shot eyes, mood swings, irregular appetite, odd sleeping patterns, oh Red! Our Johnny is high!”
RED: “Kitty, that's nonsense! He's not on drugs, he's…just weird!”
ERIC comes in wearing his jacket only halfway. He drops his books and picks them up.
KITTY: “Morning. Hungry?”
She points at something in the pamphlet for Red.
ERIC: “Um, I overslept and I'm late for school…it's…um, bye!”
HE leaves .
RED: “That kid's on dope!”
KITTY: “Well, I'll say. It's Sunday!”
THE BASEMENT
THE GANG except for KELSO, is watching T.V.
FEZ: “Boy, these after school specials are thrilling. I mean, who knew it takes only one beer to turn a cheerleader into a whore?”
JACKIE: “You know, Fez, this show contains an important message. That very thing happened to a good friend of mine.”
FEZ: “Really?”
JACKIE: “Mmm hmm.”
FEZ: “Um, may I ask who?”
HYDE: “Man, that is one drunk, slutty cheerleader!”
DONNA: “There go her pom-poms!”
ERIC gets up and shuts off the T.V.
ERIC: “Alright, alright! That is quite enough! Everywhere I look now it's sex, sex, sex! Well, It's disgusting and I for one will not have it in my basement!”
DONNA: “Eric, what's wrong with you?”
ERIC: “Oh, well, excuse me, Donna, for having a little moral fiber!”
HE sits again, with a nervous expression on his face.
JACKIE: “Ok, well I'm gonna go check on Michael.”
SHE gets up.
HYDE: “Yeah, how's he doing?”
JACKIE: “Oh, oh yeah like you care! Why don't you just apologize?”
HYDE: “Apologize for what?”
JACKIE: “Well, if you don't know, then obviously you're a big fat jerk!”
SHE leaves.
HYDE: “Ok, she's nuts.”
FEZ: “I know! You are not fat!”
FORMAN KITCHEN
ERIC is standing in front of the toaster, watching the toast. LAURIE comes in.
LAURIE: “Eric?”
ERIC: “Get off my mom. What?”
LAURIE: “What is it with you? You've been extra losery lately!”
ERIC: “I saw mom and dad having sex!”
LAURIE is shocked and she tries to comfort him by hugging him.
LAURIE: “Oh! Oh, you poor thing! It's alright, it's okay! Baby's fine!”
ERIC: “Oh, Laurie! It was horrible and I can't get the image out of my mind! I mean it was mom and dad, but they were…they were like pair of wildebeests on a National Geographic special!”
FANTASY:
A fake National Geographic special. A fake tropical plant is shaking.
THE ANNOUNCER: “Deep in the unexplored psyche of a confused young man is a wilderness called…”
ERIC pops his head out from behind the plant.
THE ANNOUNCER: “"Wild Wisconsin." After several days of tracking, we've finally located the den of the wily Red. Here we see "Suburbus sexmaniacus" tracking his prey through the living room.”
RED is making drinks and KITTY is putting on makeup.
THE ANNOUNCER: “Observe, as the male indicates his interest in mating by making loud, aggressive noises.”
RED turns on the blender.
THE ANNOUNCER: “The female's attractive double-knit pants suit and scarlet lips signal her readiness.”
KITTY puts on lipstick and closes the compact.
THE ANNOUNCER: “This display is not lost on the male.”
RED comes over with drinks.
THE ANNOUNCER: “Oh, there he goes! Let's watch.”
RED hands KITTY a glass, they clink and drink. Then THEY jumps on each other and start making out.
FANTASY stops.
LAURIE is holding ERIC'S hand and she's talking to him.
LAURIE: “Eric, I am so sorry. But you have to understand. Mom and Dad are in love. They have urges and needs, just like us.”
ERIC: “No urges, no needs!”
LAURIE: “I learned in psychology class that what you went through is traumatic. But don't worry, many people have had this same experience.”
ERIC: “Really? And they turned out all right?”
LAURIE starts nodding, then stops.
LAURIE: “Well, some of them turned out to be serial killers. But, I'm sure that's just a coincidence! But, whatever.”
ERIC: “You know what the sad thing is? I actually think you're trying to be nice.”
LAURIE: “Yeah, it's just not my strong suit. Sorry.”
ERIC: “So, I'll be all right?”
LAURIE pauses.
LAURIE: “No.”
THE VISTA CRUISER
ERIC and DONNA are sitting. DONNA yawns and stretches her arm behind ERIC'S head. SHE starts playing with his hair.
ERIC: “Donna, I'm really not in the mood.”
DONNA: “Oh, come on. I'm just trying to get a little action here!”
ERIC: “Donna, I just can't.”
DONNA: “Come on, all the other guys are doing it!”
HE turns around and looks at her.
DONNA: “What's going on? Are you like, mad at me or something?”
ERIC: “I just…Donna, I saw my parents having sex.”
DONNA jumps back.
DONNA: “Oh, god! Ewww!”
ERIC: “Yeah.”
DONNA: “And you liked it, right?”
ERIC: “Oh, god no! That's sick! That was sick!”
DONNA: “I'm kidding Eric, I'm kidding!”
ERIC: “Oh! Good one.”
DONNA: “Alright, look. I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anybody else, alright? When I was twelve I saw my parents doing it.”
ERIC is surprised.
ERIC: “How…how did you get over it?”
DONNA: “Well, at first I was like, completely freaked out! But then eventually the pain receded, and I was able to live again.”
ERIC: “Donna, I don't see this receding. I mean, I walked in on Red and Kitty and they were…right in the middle!”
DONNA: “Oh, god, that's nothing. I caught my parents outside, in broad daylight, on the hammock. Where I used to read, like, my Nancy Drew mysteries!”
ERIC: “Wow, man that is so much worse than mine!”
DONNA: “Oh, god! I can remember like, little bits of naked skin peeking through the holes of the hammock.”
SHE has a far away look in her eyes.
ERIC: “Wow. It's weird, but, knowing what you've been through just makes me feel so much better. Because, you're like, totally over it. Right?”
SHE continues, interrupting him.
DONNA: “And later, they came inside, and they had like, this checkerboard pattern all over their arms and legs! And my dad laughed, and said they fell asleep on the hammock. But I knew it was a lie. I knew what he did to my mom!”
SHE clamps her hand on her mouth.
ERIC: “Your mom… Okay, I'm ready to fool around.”
DONNA: “Please take me home!”
THE BASEMENT
KELSO and JACKIE walk in the basement. KELSO'S arm is in a sling.
KELSO: “Oh, hey look Jackie, it's my friends! Eric, Donna and Fez! Yep, that's all my friends.”
HYDE: “Kelso, if you have something to say to me, why don't you just say it?”
KELSO: “Oh, no. OH, no!”
HE walks behind HYDE'S chair.
KELSO: “I think you have something to say to me. And I'm gonna be right over here when you're ready!”
HYDE doesn't move.
ERIC: “Alright, alright. This is stupid. Hyde, just apologize already.”
HYDE: “Forman, it's not my fault.”
DONNA: “Well, whatever. He thinks it is.”
KELSO: “It is! You made me fall off the water tower!”
HYDE turns around.
HYDE: “How? Did I push you?”
KELSO: “Well, no! But…”
HYDE: “Did I make the railing slippery?”
KELSO: “No.”
HYDE: “Then how is it my fault?”
A PAUSE
KELSO: “Because! You didn't like my artwork. And…and you don't respect me, and you laugh at me, and you're inconsiderate of my feelings!”
JACKIE looks satisfied.
HYDE: “Kelso, no offense but you sound like a chick!”
KELSO: “Oh yeah? Well… Man I do!”
HYDE gets up and walks over to KELSO.
HYDE: “Ok, alright. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch? And I fell into your yard and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass?”
KELSO laughs.
KELSO: “Yeah! You bled and you cried!”
HYDE: “I bled, I didn't cry.”
KELSO: “Yeah, you did. You bled and you cried!”
HYDE: “And you laughed, man! A lot. While I was bleeding. Do you see my point?”
KELSO: “Yeah. It's funny when friends get hurt.”
HYDE: “Close enough. Sorry.”
KELSO: “Hey, stop talking like a chick.”
HYDE hits KELSO'S arm and they both laugh.
JACKIE: “God, you're both idiots!”
FORMAN KITCHEN
ERIC is sitting on a chair and KITTY and RED are standing in front of him. LAURIE is near the sink, reading a magazine.
KITTY: “Eric, your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strangely lately.”
RED: “Like a hippie!”
KITTY: “Is there something you want to tell us?”
RED: “Are you on dope? Are you?”
KITTY: “Because, because, we can help get you clean. There is counseling, hospitalization…”
RED: “My foot kicking your ass!”
ERIC: “Mom, Dad, I'm not on drugs.”
KITTY sighs with relief.
KITTY: “Oh, what a relief! You have no idea what…”
RED: “Kitty, Kitty, he's lying! That's what the hop-heads do!”
ERIC: “Oh, dad, I swear, I'm not on drugs.”
RED: “Well then what the hell's wrong with you?”
ERIC: “Well, I accidentally…I was upstairs, and I…I…I…Ok, you know what? I'm on drugs!”
LAURIE stops reading her magazine.
LAURIE: “Oh, for god's sake. He saw you guys doing it! There! I helped!”
SHE leaves.
KITTY: “Oh, honey. Were your father and I having intercourse?”
ERIC: “Mom!”
KITTY: “Well, no wonder you've been acting so weird! Red, say something. Make him feel better.”
RED: “Um…It's more fun than it looks.”
KITTY: “Red.”
RED: “What? Well, what do you want me to say?”
ERIC stands up.
ERIC: “No, no, you know what? You guys do it, and um, I'm okay with that. So...thanks.”
RED: “Sure thing. I just, hope you learned your lesson.”
ERIC: “Oh! Yes sir, I did. Wait a second. What lesson?”
RED: “Always knock!”
ERIC: “Oh.”
KITTY: “Oh, oh, even in the middle of the afternoon!”
ERIC: “Oh my God!”
HE leaves.
RED: “Damn, that was funny.”
HE chuckles.
KITTY: “: Well, I don't, I don't know how funny it is, I mean, what if that had been you walking in on your parents?”
A PAUSE, RED looks uncomfortable.
KITTY: “And your mother was a dancer. I imagine that would have been quite something.”
RED: “Quit it Kitty!”
KITTY: “Oh.”
SHE tries to hug him but he won't let her.
RED: “Hey, don't.”
SHE chases him.
RED: “Hey, now, stop it.”
THE END