THAT '70s SHOW
1X20: A NEW HOPE
Original Airdate on FOX: March 14, 1999
Written by Joshua Sternin, Jeffrey Ventimilia. Directed by David Trainer
Transcript archived at TWIZ TV.COM
DO NOT use/post this transcript elsewhere without PERMISSION.
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A LONG TIME AGO IN POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN…
THE following text scrolls up on the screen like every “Star Wars” movie:
Episode XXV
A NEW HOPE
It's a time of upheaval
for the Formans. Red's
hours have been cut back
at the auto parts plant,
and his holiday job with
"Bargain Bob" is long
gone. Kitty struggles to
make ends meet. And
Eric is in the throes of
adolescence…which
sucks no matter what
decade it is. Am I right?
Anyway, right now Eric
and his band of rebels
are heading for a movie
theater in Kenosha…
OPENING CREDITS ROLL SIMULTANEOUSLY
THE VISTA CRUISER
FEZ: “I am so excited about Star Whores!”
HYDE: “Fezzy man, it's ‘Star Wars'.”
FEZ: “Screw that!”
HYDE: “Hey Forman man, this thing better be good. If I don't see any space jugs, I'm gonna be super pissed!”
ERIC: “I don't know, guys. I hear it's okay.”
KELSO: “Well, there's no way it's better than ‘The Planet of the Apes'. I mean, those apes were really good actors!”
THE MOVIE THEATRE
The camera goes from one guy to another. HYDE looks zen, as always, ERIC is sitting with his mouth open, FEZ is smiling in a shocked way and KELSO just stares at the screen.
FLASH OF LIGHT
KELSO: “Whoa!”
FORMAN KITCHEN
ERIC, LAURIE and KITTY are sitting at the table, eating.
ERIC: “And then, they go into this bar, and there are all these space creatures, and then, someone makes the mistake of picking on Obi Wan Kenobi, and then, he takes out his light saber, and it goes “Woosh!” and he chops this guard's arm right off! ‘Cause it's a saber that's made out of light.”
KITTY: “Well, you know, this, this doesn't sound like a nice movie. Now, ‘The Way We Were.' That's a nice movie!”
SHE gets up.
LAURIE: “So Eric, you gonna get yourself some Star Wars pajamas, now?”
RED comes in.
RED: “Kitty! I'm going back to work. Full time!”
KITTY: “Oh, my god, you're kidding!”
RED: “Nope. I ran into Ron Millbank at the K-mart, and he's moved back to reopen the plant.”
THEY hug.
KITTY: “Oh! Oh, this is a godsend! Oh! And to think how close we came to losing the house!”
ERIC: “Losing the… Mom, you said we were fine!”
KITTY: “Oh, Eric, honey, I lied! Oh, honey, this is the best news!”
RED: “Well, I'm, I'm so glad that you're happy.”
LAURIE stands up and goes to RED.
LAURIE: “Hey, way to go, daddy!”
SHE hugs him. RED is hugging KITTY with one arm and LAURIE with the other. ERIC is standing near them, like a total stranger.
RED: “Ah, my job, and my little girl!”
ERIC: “Ok, so I'm here too, dad.”
RED: “Oh, and uh, speaking of you, I told Millbank's son David to come by to see you.”
ERIC: “David Millbank? Dad, I hated that guy.”
RED: “Yeah, well, I hate his dad! But, I smile like hell whenever I see him! And you'll do the same. Got it?”
ERIC smiles rigidly.
ERIC: “Got it!”
KITTY laughs in between sobs of happiness.
THE BASEMENT
DONNA: “David Millbank? Oh, barf. Eric, remember when you beat him up on the playground?”
ERIC: “Yup. I kicked his ass!”
JACKIE: “Wait, wasn't he the kid with scoliosis and asthma?”
ERIC: “Yup. And I kicked his ass!”
KELSO: “So! Jackie. You wanna go see ‘Star Wars' tonight?”
JACKIE: “God, Michael, I told you. I don't like space!”
KELSO: “Jackie, if we're gonna start our relationship over, you gotta meet me halfway, honey!”
JACKIE: “Well, maybe I wanna do something else tonight...”
KELSO: “Like what?”
HE looks at her and realizes what she means.
KELSO: “God, Jackie! We can do that for the rest of our lives! ‘Star Wars' is a limited engagement!”
JACKIE: “Fine! Fine, but I want the big popcorn!”
THEY leave.
FEZ: “Ah, they have finally left. Now it's just the three of us.”
ERIC: “That's great, Fez.”
FEZ: “Oh, I get it. If I was gone you two would kiss. Ah, life's a bitch, huh?”
KITTY, o.s . : “Eric, David's here!”
FEZ: “The scoliosis asthma freak is here? I cannot wait to see this!”
DAVID comes down the stairs. THEY all get up to greet him.
DAVID: “Hey guys! I'm back!”
ERIC: “Yeah, hey!”
THEY shake hands.
DONNA: “Wow, David, you've really grown up!”
DAVID: “Hey, look at you. You have really grown up!”
ERIC: “Yes, in fact we've all grown up.”
FEZ: “Yes, but him much more than you have.”
ERIC grabs DONNA and puts his arm around her.
ERIC: “So! David, hey! Tell us about you! We're dating!”
DONNA: “What was that?”
ERIC: “What? I'm just, sorry! Making conversation, here!”
THEY all sit.
DAVID: “So! Uh, Donna, are you still writing short stories?”
DONNA: “Yeah! I still write a little.”
ERIC: “Well not every…”
HE turns towards her.
ERIC: “Um, you still write?”
DAVID: “I mean, I'd love to read your stuff.”
DONNA: “Yeah?”
ERIC: “Well enough about us, tell us about you! David, you still got that big old curve in your spine?”
THEY laugh.
FEZ: “Can I see it?”
FORMAN KITCHEN
KELSO is digging around in the fridge. LAURIE walks in.
LAURIE: “Hey Kelso!”
HE jumps up and hits a shelve in the fridge. He stands up .
KELSO: “Laurie.”
LAURIE: “I'm bored.”
KELSO: “If you're bored, you should go see ‘Star Wars'!”
LAURIE: “No, I was thinking of doing something else, and…”
KELSO: “Laurie? What's going on? You're acting like you're liking me, and, and that's weird.”
LAURIE: “It's like I told you Kelso, I'm bored.”
KELSO: “Well that's very flattering. But, uh, you know, Jackie and I are back together.”
LAURIE: “Oh. I understand. Do you wanna see my appendix scar?”
SHE pulls up her shirt and shows him her stomach.
KELSO: “Once again…”
HE looks at it.
KELSO: “What's her name and I are back together!”
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
DAVID is sitting at the table, reading a piece of paper.
DONNA: “Well, it's not my best story, but it's…”
DAVID: “Wow! I love it! Do you have any anymore?”
DONNA: “Yeah! Oh my god, yeah, I totally have more! I just have to..”
SHE turns around and knocks a glass of soda on him.
DONNA: “Oh my god! Oh my god, I am so sorry! I'm so sorry.”
SHE gets a towel and starts toweling his shirt off.
DAVID: “Yeah, that's okay.”
ERIC peeks at them through the blinds on the door and barges in.
ERIC: “Alright, what the hell's going on here?”
DONNA: “I spilled soda on him.”
ERIC: “Oh.”
DAVID: “I should leave. I'll see you later.”
DONNA: “Okay.”
DAVID: “Hey, Donna, great writing.”
HE leaves.
DONNA: “What is it with you?”
ERIC: “Me? Donna, he's hitting on you!”
DONNA: “He is not! We're just friends! He talks to me, listens to me, shares ideas with me!”
ERIC: “Oh my god, Donna, you are so naïve!”
DONNA: “Eric, just ‘cause a guy pays attention to me, does not mean he wants to get me naked!”
ERIC: “Oh! Grow up!”
DONNA: “Is that why you paid attention to me?”
ERIC: “Of course! No! Of course not! I love your mind. That's the thing I love.”
THE BASEMENT aka THE CIRCLE
ERIC lights a stick of incense.
ERIC: “So Donna says David and her are just good friends. And if I don't believe that, um, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her.”
FEZ: “Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean, they look so nice together.”
HYDE: “See, this is why your country lost the war.”
FEZ: “My country never fought a war.”
HYDE: “Yeah, big surprise. You know, Forman, I'm a romantic. So I say you choke him 'til his eyes pop out!”
KELSO: “Yeah. Hittin' people's cool!”
ERIC: “I don't know. If I hit this guy, Donna's just gonna be pissed.”
KELSO: “No, man. Chicks dig that stuff! I mean, Leia, right, she acted like she was mad at Han. But I could tell she liked him.”
HYDE: “Kelso, man, what are you, an idiot? Leia likes Luke, I mean she kissed him on that bridge!”
KELSO: “Uh! Just for luck!”
ERIC: “Guys, I have a real problem, here!”
FEZ: “Oh, I got it. Maybe you should let David have Donna, because I mean they look so nice together.”
ERIC punches him.
FEZ: “Ai!”
HYDE laughs and throws his fist in the hand.
THE BASEMENT
ERIC is sleeping on the couch. HE is dreaming that he hears RED talking.
RED: “Now remember. A Jedi is his own master…his own master…his own master…”
THE DREAM:
ERIC is dressed up as Luke Skywalker.
RED is dressed up as Obi Wan Kenobi.
ERIC is banging a light saber on his hand to make it work.
OBI/ RED : “A Jedi's power lies within his own mind… Are you even listening to me?”
LUKE/ ERIC : “What? Yes. Um, you were saying, may the force be with me?”
OBI/ RED : “No, I did not. Jedi knight. Jedi dumbass!”
HYDE comes over dressed up as Han Solo with Chewbacca.
HAN/ HYDE : “Luke, man! I don't mean to bum you out, but I just saw Princess Leia cruising around with Darth Vader and his Tie Fighter. Right Chewy?”
CHEWY grunts and takes off his mask. It's KELSO!
CHEWY/ KELSO : “Man, this totally sucks. I should be Han!”
HAN/ HYDE : “Hey, quit whining!”
HYDE hits KELSO.
CHEWY/ KELSO : “Unn!”
THE door bell rings and KITTY walks into the scene, vacuuming with R2D2.
KITTY: “Will somebody answer that?”
The door bell rings again.
KITTY: “You know what? Why don't I just get it myself?”
SHE laughs, shuts off R2D2 and walks over to the door. SHE pushes a button and DARTH VADER with TWO STORM TROOPERS come in.
KITTY: “Honey, it's Darth Vader!”
LUKE/ ERIC : “Thanks mom!”
THE STORM TROOPERS take off their helmets and it's FEZ and JACKIE.
STORM TROOPER#1/ JACKIE : “Oh my god, you guys just gotta come over to the dark side!”
STORM TROOPER#2/ FEZ : “They have free food!”
ERIC holds up his broken light saber .
LUKE/ ERIC : “Alright. What have you done with Princess Leia?”
DONNA comes in as PRINCESS LEIA and links arms with DARTH VADER .
LEIA/ DONNA : “Hey guys!”
LUKE/ ERIC : “Leia, what are you doing with Darth Vader?”
LEIA/ DONNA : “Oh, we're um, just friends, Luke. He's nice, I think you'd really like him.”
LUKE/ ERIC : “No, I wouldn't!”
DARTH VADER: “Give me a chance, Luke!”
HE raises his hand and ERIC chokes.
LUKE/ ERIC : “Look! Hello, he's choking me with his mind, here. That's, like, yeah. Evil.”
EVERYBODY starts laughing.
DREAM STOPS
ERIC wakes up with a start.
PINCIOTTI KITCHEN
JACKIE: “When Michael and I were apart, he realized how much he missed me. I'm telling you, Donna, breaking up with him was the best thing I ever did.”
DONNA: “I thought you said that getting a pedicure was the best thing you ever did!”
JACKIE: “That was last week, Donna!”
DONNA: “I don't know, I don't know. I don't know what to do about Eric. He's acting like this possessive macho jerk.”
JACKIE: “Oh, I am so happy for you Donna!”
DONNA: “No, Jackie, I'm with him because I thought he wasn't like that!”
MIDGE walks in.
JACKIE: “Mrs. Pinciotti, can you please tell Donna I'm right? Isn't it cool when men act like they own you?”
MIDGE: “Oh yeah!”
DONNA: “Mom, what about all those feminist classes you took?”
MIDGE: “Oh, right. No.”
FORMAN'S BACKYARD
RED and BOB are clipping the hedges. ERIC comes over.
ERIC: “Hey Mr. Pinciotti, hey dad.”
BOB: “Hey there Eric.”
ERIC: “Hey, dad, um, I was wondering if you'd show me like, a few fighting moves.”
RED: “Who are you planning to fight?”
ERIC: “David Millbank.”
BOB: “David Millbank? He's got scoliosis and asthma. You could take him!”
RED: “Come on, now Eric. Why don't you, uh, beat up Kelso. I don't work for his dad!”
ERIC: “He's making a move on Donna.”
BOB: “Oh, no, no, no. Donna's not going near that pretzel boy. No, no. You gotta nip this in the bud, Eric.”
RED: “Alright, alright. The bridge of the nose is very vulnerable.”
BOB: “Oh, oh! And hit him with a banjo!”
RED: “A banjo Bob?”
BOB: “What, I'm helping.”
RED: “Where is he gonna get a banjo?”
BOB: “I don't know! But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once. And he went down!”
RED: “Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. You wanna knee him in the groin!”
BOB: “You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.”
THE BASEMENT
KELSO and JACKIE are talking while LAURIE is behind them, doing laundry and listening.
JACKIE: “So. What do you wanna do tonight? Oh, and if you say see ‘Star Wars' again, I'm leaving.”
KELSO, in a hypnotic voice, waving a finger at her : “You don't want to leave. You want to see ‘Star Wars'…”
JACKIE looks at him for a second then starts hitting him.
JACKIE: “Stop it! I have had it with you! You are weird, and I'm going home!”
SHE leaves. KELSO stands up.
KELSO: “Jackie!”
LAURIE: “Oh, boy. That's terrible the way she treats you.”
KELSO: “Right!”
LAURIE: “You know, I saw ‘Star Wars' and, I'm not a movie expert but I think it's safe to say it was the greatest film of all time.”
KELSO: “Finally! Someone who understands!”
LAURIE: “Yeah. You know, Kelso, I always thought you were kinda dumb.”
KELSO: “Uh huh.”
LAURIE: “But I don't care.”
SHE kisses him.
KELSO: “You know, I don't either. It's…”
KELSO jumps on her and they start kissing.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
KITTY: “Where's Eric?”
RED: “Um, I don't know.”
HE smiles at HER and continues watching the T.V.
KITTY: “I think you do know, Red.”
HE turns off the T.V.
RED: “Alright, Kitty. Some kid's been hitting on Donna, so he went to fight him, but it's no big deal!”
KITTY: “No big deal, you men are such Neanderthals. Fighting over a woman. It's ridiculous. It's like that time at that beach when that lifeguard pinched my fanny, you just had to lay him out, didn't you?”
RED: “Well, yeah!”
KITTY: “Well, how do you think I felt, Red? Watching you stand over that poor man, your, your eyes burning with intensity, your, your sun-tanned muscles gleaming, like a, like a bronze god!”
THEY look at each other for a moment then jump up and go upstairs.
PLAYGROUND
DONNA and DAVID are on a swing, talking. ERIC walks up to them.
ERIC: “Ok, you and me, right now!”
THEY get up.
DONNA: “Eric, what are you doing?”
ERIC: “This isn't about you, Donna!”
HE shoves DAVID.
DONNA: “Eric, stop it!”
DONNA pushes ERIC back from DAVID.
ERIC: “Yeah, that's right, hold me back!”
DONNA: “Stop it! Eric, for the last time: David has no interest in me whatsoever!”
DAVID: “Yeah, I do.”
DONNA: “What?”
DAVID: “Why do you think we've been spending so much time together?”
DONNA: “'Cause we're friends?”
DAVID: “Oh, come on, Donna! I mean, I've talked to you, I've listened to you, I've shared ideas with you! What's that about?”
ERIC: “I had the exact same problem with…”
HE points to DONNA behind her back.
ERIC: “Yeah.”
DONNA whirls around.
DONNA: “What?”
DAVID: “I don't know what it takes with women. I mean, you put in all this time and effort and they…”
DAVID and ERIC: “Wanna be just friends!”
ERIC: “I know! I hate that! Man, and to think I was gonna kick your ass!”
DAVID: “Hey, you had every reason.”
ERIC: “Did you hear that, Donna? ‘Every reason'!”
DONNA: “You know what, Eric? You don't trust me, and you don't respect me!”
SHE leaves.
ERIC: “No! No, Donna, I was just trying…”
DONNA, o.s .: “Get away from me!”
ERIC stands there and looks at her go.
DAVID: “Well! It wouldn't have worked out with her and me anyway. I mean, I'm not supposed to say anything, but we're just here until my dad closes down the plant.”
ERIC: “Wait, close…your dad was opening the plant full time!”
DAVID: “Yeah, well, they're burning off the inventory and then, that's all she wrote.”
ERIC: “My dad's depending on that job!”
DAVID: “Yeah, well I guess he should've thought ahead. Like my dad.”
HE turns around to leave. ERIC taps his shoulder.
ERIC: “Hey!”
HE turns around and ERIC punches him right on the nose. DAVID goes down on hands and knees.
DAVID: “You bastard! You broke my nose!”
ERIC: “That's…good!”
DAVID stands up and his breathing become like DARTH VADER.
DAVID: “You'll pay for this, Forman! Before I leave, Donna will be mine!”
HE leaves in a very DARTH VADORISH way.
FORMAN KITCHEN
ERIC walks in and finds RED standing there.
ERIC: “Hey, dad. Hey, dad, can I talk to you?”
RED: “Absolutely!”
KITTY walks in dressed up.
KITTY: “Eric, I am very, very disappointed in you for fighting.”
ERIC: “I'm sorry.”
KITTY: “It's okay.”
SHE walks by RED and pats his rear end.
KITTY: “See you in the car!”
SHE walks out.
ERIC: “Where are you guys going?”
RED: “Oh, taking your mother out for dinner and a movie. A little celebration. You know, son, sometimes life gives you a good bounce. So, what'd you wanna talk about?”
ERIC: “Um, have a good time.”
RED: “Oh yeah!”
HE walks by ERIC, fakes a punch and walks out.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
LAURIE is on the couch, reading a magazine. ERIC walks in.
LAURIE: “Hey, little brother! I made out with Kelso.”
ERIC: “Shut up!”
LAURIE: “What is wrong with you?”
ERIC: “Everything's wrong. Donna's mad at me, and the plant's closing! Dad's out of the job.”
LAURIE: “Oh, wow. Guess this is a bad time to tell him I flunked out of college.”
ERIC: “You know what, Laurie? I cannot believe that you're the favorite!”
LAURIE: “Yeah. Doesn't it kick ass?”
THE TAG
THE MOVIE THEATRE
THE CAMERA goes from one to each other.
BOB: “Oh, that Vader's got him. Ther's no way out of this!”
MIDGE: “Is this a true story?”
BOB: “Yeah.”
KITTY: “That voice! I've got my foot on…Oh!”
SHE talks in a whispery way.
KITTY: “James Earl Jones!”
RED: “Eric actually liked this? That kid's on dope!”
FLASH OF LIGHT
RED: “Whoa!”
RED smiles.
THE END