That '70s Show
Episode 1.18 - CAREER DAY
Original Airdate: 02-28-1999
Written by Joshua Sternin & Jeffrey Ventimilia - Directed by David Trainer
© Originally posted on http://twiztv.com.
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POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN
THURDAY AFTERNOON
4:17 P.M.
ERIC FORMAN'S BASEMENT
THE GANG is hanging out in the basement. FEZ has his hands over KELSO's hands. KELSO is teaching him a game.
KELSO: “Are you ready?”
FEZ: “Yes.”
KELSO slaps the top FEZ'S hands.
KELSO: “Too slow.”
FEZ: “Oh, I see how this game is done. Now my turn. Ready?”
KELSO puts his hands over FEZ'S.
KELSO: “Yeah.”
FEZ slaps him.
FEZ: “Too slow.”
KELSO: “No Fez, that's not how the game works. You're supposed to hit my hands.”
FEZ hits his hands.
FEZ: “Too slow.”
KITTY comes down the stairs with a plate of cookies.
KITTY: “Who wants cookies?”
EVERYONE takes one.
KITTY: “They're carob, nature's chocolate.”
THEY all put them back.
KITTY: “Oh, oh, come on, you wouldn't have known if I hadn't told you. Oh Eric, I picked out a really snazzy outfit for you to wear on career day.”
ERIC: “Oh, that's, um, goodie.”
KITTY: “Well fine, Mr. Grumpy, but I can't wait to show to show off my little man at work!”
ERIC: “You know what, me neither.”
HE mouths: ‘help me!'. KITTY goes back upstairs.
HYDE: “Why career day, man? It's so lame.”
KELSO: “That's just 'cause your mom's the lunch lady!”
JACKIE: “Your mom is Gross Edna? Ewww! I mean...cool.”
FEZ: “You bet it's cool. That's why I'm spending the day with Hyde and his mom. Right?”
RED comes in.
RED: “Eric I need you in the garage.”
ERIC: “Okay look, I'll be right back.”
RED: “You can explain exactly what you did to this car.”
ERIC: “Ok, look, I'll see you tomorrow.”
THE GARAGE
ERIC is holding the flashlight while RED is inspecting the car.
RED: “Hold the light steady. Higher. Higher. Not in my eyes. Do I look like the carburator?”
ERIC: “Not, um, not in this light.”
RED: “That's one.”
ERIC: “Sorry.”
RED: “ Jeez Eric, you're in high school. You'd think they'd take five minutes out of teaching macramé to show you how to hold a damn flashlight.”
ERIC: “Dad, isn't that what college is for?”
RED: “That's two. You wanna go for three? Gimme that!”
HE takes the flashlight.
RED: “Oh, see the damn thing is shot. I need a rebuild kit. We'll work on this tomorrow.”
ERIC: “Uh, Dad, tomorrow's career day.”
RED: “Yeah, well I'm working half days. I'll be home by noon.”
ERIC: “Um, I think I'm gonna go to the hospital with Mom.”
RED: “Yeah, what for?”
ERIC: “Well it's career day, not career half day!”
RED is about to say something and ERIC realizes he's gonna get his ass kicked.
ERIC: “Ok, look, that's not three, that's what my teacher said.”
RED: “Fine Eric. I'll uh, fix the car, and you go with your mom and see if you wanna be a nurse.”
OPENING CREDITS
THE HOSPITAL
KITTY: “Ok, so now this is my ward. Um, I have to check with the night nurse, you say hi to the girls.”
KITTY heads off to another direction.
ERIC: “Hi girls!”
NURSE THOMAS: “Oh hi, you must be Eric. I recognize you from all the pictures. Your face has cleared up real nice.”
ERIC: “Thanks for noticing that.”
NURSE THOMAS: “You know your mom does the work of five nurses. This place would fall apart without her.”
NURSE PHILLIPS: “And she's so funny!”
ERIC: “Oh, yeah, she is. Um, wait, no she's not.”
NURSE THOMAS: “Oh, yeah, and she draws these funny cartoons.”
SHE starts unfolding a piece of paper.
NURSE THOMAS: “See, now I warn you, it's a little racy!”
KITTY comes running and snatches the paper.
KITTY: “Oh, honey, you don't need to see that. It's just um, a certain body part has been shoved up another body part for comic effect. So, um, have you met everybody?”
A DOCTOR walks up to her.
DR. ASHLEY: “Nurse Forman, I just talked to the lab. Why didn't you bring down that blood sample?”
KITTY: “Because you didn't give it to me.”
DR. ASHLEY: “I most certainly did.”
KITTY pulls out the blood sample from his coat pocket.
DR. ASHLEY: “Well, the next time I have something to give you, you tell me.”
KITTY: “Will do.”
HE walks out.
NURSE PHILLIPS: “What is his problem?”
KITTY: “Well, you all know my theory…”
THEY all look at the cartoon, but when ERIC tries to see it, KITTY crumples it.
SCHOOL KITCHEN
EDNA is stirring a pot of food. HYDE and FEZ walk in.
HYDE: “Edna.”
EDNA: “Steven.”
HYDE: “Fez, this is uh, this is my mom.”
FEZ: “Nice to meet you Mrs. Gross Edna.”
EDNA: “No, no, no, honey. It's Miss Gross Edna. You see, Mr. Gross Edna ran off with Ms. Perfect Ass.”
HYDE: “But she can laugh about it now!”
EDNA: “Yes she can. Shut up.”
FEZ: “Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?”
EDNA stops stirring.
EDNA: “Is he kidding?”
HYDE: “We can never tell.”
EDNA: “Well, knock yourself out. But if you cut off a finger, you're out of here. Steven, you can start by slicing pizza.”
HYDE: “Oh no, no, no. I am here as an observer, a fly on the wall...one of many.”
EDNA: “Gee, what a surprise. Lazy, just like your father.”
HYDE: “No, actually, I'm lazy in a way that's entirely my own.”
FEZ: “You two are hilarious!”
EDNA: “Here, put these on.”
SHE hands them gloves.
HYDE: “I'm not wearing these.”
EDNA: “Well sorry, don't blame me. It's the stupid…”
SHE coughs over the pot she's stirring.
EDNA: “It's those health codes.”
FEZ wears the gloves and the hair net.
FEZ: “May I keep these?”
EDNA: “Sure baby.”
JOHN KELSO'S OFFICE
KELSO: “This is so cool. My dad's office. Dad's desk. Dad's phone, ding ding! My dad.”
HE hugs him.
JOHN: “Oh, oh.”
KELSO: “Yeah, I love this.”
JOHN: “Yeah Michael, this is where all the magic happens.”
KELSO: “Ok, let's get started. Question number one, what's your job?”
JOHN: “I'm a senior executive statistical analysis technician.”
KELSO: “You're a senior execu… what?”
JOHN: “Well, in plain English, I concatenate the verse statistical information to maximize the potential utilization of data.”
KELSO: “So you give people data!”
KELSO is on the verge of writing it down.
JOHN: “A lot of people think that. No. My job's not about output, it's about throughput.”
KELSO: “So you throughput data!”
JOHN: “Well, now you've lost me, son. Oh, listen Michael, you know the eight tracks you love so much?”
KELSO: “You make them!”
JOHN: “No, but because of us, other people who make them are able to make them better.”
KELSO: “So, you fix stuff!”
JOHN: “You could say that...”
KELSO starts writing.
JOHN: “But I wouldn't.”
KELSO erases it with frustration.
BARGAIN BOB'S
BOB is decorating the place with balloons.
BOB: “You picked a good day to do this, Donna. We're starting a three-day promotional sale. You'll finally get to see why they call me Bargain Bob!”
DONNA: “Yeah, Dad, 'cause that's been a real stumper.”
BOB: “Oooh, you're such a cutie! Well, you keep your eyes peeled and your pencils sharp because you're gonna learn how a serious business man operates.”
CLOWNS walk in.
BOB: “Oh good, the clowns are here!”
FORMAN GARAGE
JACKIE: “Oh, hello, Mr. Forman, what are you doing home? That's right, you're only working part-time. If it makes you feel any better, my dad feels really, really sorry for you.”
RED: “Aren't you supposed to be at career day?”
JACKIE: “No, I'm a sophomore. I'm surprised you didn't know that about me.”
RED: “Right, my mistake. Listen, while you're here, why don't you hold this flashlight on that carburetor there.”
JACKIE: “Like this?”
The whole hood of the car is filled with light. RED looks at JACKIE .
RED: “My God! One of you's not useless!”
THE HOSPITAL
KITTY is making her rounds. PATIENT #1.
KITTY, to PATIENT : Good morning. This is my son, he's making my rounds with me.”
KITTY, to ERIC : “Now, you let me know if this gets to be too much for you.”
ERIC: “Ok, mom, I think I can handle it.”
KITTY lifts the blanket.
ERIC: “Oh, good God! What is that?”
PATIENT #2 is in a full body cast.
KITTY: “Remember this the next time you wanna skateboard.”
THEY visit PATIENT #3 with DR. ASHLEY.
DR. ASHLEY: “I have some bad news.”
KITTY flips the pages on his clipboard.
DR. ASHLEY: “Oh, I have some good news!”
PATIENT #4 is giving birth. KITTY is delivering and ERIC is holding the woman's hand.
KITTY: “Okay now push!”
ERIC: “Oww! Ma'am you're hurting me!”
PATIENT #4: “You don't know what pain is!”
ERIC: “Okay.”
ERIC looks at the baby that's being delivered, screams along with the mother and faints.
JOHN KELSO'S OFFICE
JOHN is showing KELSO a chart.
JOHN: “All right, this is the performance index before my involvement. And this is after.”
HE puts a transparent chart on the first one. THE difference is very slight. KELSO measures it with his fingers and holds them up.
KELSO: “Ok, ok, so you're responsible for this.”
JOHN: “You can't credit me with that. That's probably a statistical anomaly.”
KELSO: “But you made the chart, right?”
JOHN: “Oh I wish!”
KELSO: “So do I!”
SCHOOL KITCHEN
FEZ: “Question number three, was the food service industry you first career choice?”
EDNA: “Heck no, Fez. I always wanted to go into show business. In fact, I was in the Tommy Bartlett water show at the Wisconsin Dells.”
FEZ: “Women water skiing in bikinis, very erotic!”
EDNA: “Anyway, I was the top girl on the pyramid, but they fired me for getting knocked up.”
HYDE: “Oh, let me finish this one for you, Edna. Fez, this is the story where I ruin my mother's fabulous water skiing career!”
EDNA: “Yeah, well, you did. They said that a pregnant girl on water skis would make the audience nervous.”
FEZ: “Not to mention you were probably hideously fat.”
EDNA: “Oh no, no, no. I looked great. I kept my weight down by smoking.”
HYDE: “See, that's that maternal instinct kicking in again.”
EDNA: “Yeah, you're damn right I'm maternal. I raised you alone!”
HYDE: “Alone? Hardly. There was "Uncle" Chet and "Uncle" Larry, and, oh yeah, "Uncle" Hot Tub Johnny.”
EDNA: “I suppose I should've just become a nun when your father walked out on me?”
HYDE: “Hell, he must've been crazy to leave all this!”
EDNA: “Always a smart-ass, Steven, just like your father!”
HYDE: “You know, one thing he did do right , he left!”
HYDE walks out.
EDNA: “All right, that's right Steven, just walk, just like everyone else!”
EDNA looks sad. FEZ, who has been writing, looks up.
FEZ: “Ok, question number four, would you say you are a people person?”
FORMAN'S GARAGE
JACKIE is trying to loosen a nut on a tire.
RED: “Come on Jackie! Harder, come on! Give it all you got!”
SHE loosens it.
RED: “Yeah!”
JACKIE: “Oh my God, I did it!”
SHE hugs RED.
JACKIE: “I did it! I'm changing a tire! Oh, I feel like Nancy Drew!”
RED: “Well, well a girl needs to know what to do in an emergency. You know, I'm surprised that your father hasn't taught you this already.”
JACKIE: “Yeah, well, Daddy works really hard, so he doesn't spend a lot of time with me. But he did promise me a Mustang for my birthday, so I love him.”
RED: “You know Jackie, I've been a father a long time, so trust me when I tell you this. The Mustang's front end is problematic, get yourself a Firebird.”
THE HOSPITAL
DR. ASHLEY: “Alright, let's start Mr. Harris on a full course of penicillin.”
KITTY: “Um, Doctor you might wanna consider erythromycin.”
DR. ASHLEY: “And why would I want to do that, Nurse?”
KITTY: “Well, it's just that uh, Mr. Harris is allergic to penicillin and I thought that erythromycin might make him a touch less dead.”
ERIC: “I know that when I go to the hospital, I like to not die!”
JOHN KELSO'S OFFICE
KELSO is holding his head in his hands and his hair is all tousled.
KELSO: “Ok...Do you have customers?”
JOHN: “No, they're more like clients.”
KELSO: “But you have clients.”
JOHN: “Sort of…”
KELSO: “And you provide them a product.”
JOHN: “It's more like a service.”
KELSO: “A service.”
JOHN: “Well, not…”
KELSO: “To maximize the potential utilization of the data.”
JOHN: “If we did that, we'd go out of business.”
KELSO starts pounding his head on the desk.
FORMAN GARAGE
RED is cleaning car parts. HYDE comes in.
HYDE: “Hey Red, is Forman around?”
RED: “No, he's with his mom for career day, which is where you're supposed to be. What's the deal?”
HYDE: “Man, Edna's riding me again about being just like my dad, so I just took off.”
RED: “Didn't you dad take off?”
HYDE: “Irony, far out.”
RED: “Look, you and your mom have a bad history and neither of you can nurture the other's self esteem because you've both been damaged by past criticism and shame.”
HYDE: “Are you okay?”
RED: “Well, I'm working half days, I do watch a lot of Donahue.”
JACKIE rolls out from under the car.
JACKIE: “Ok, I'm not sure, but I think I found the U-joint.”
RED: “God Bless you Jackie.”
JACKIE: “Okay, I'm going back in!”
SHE rolls back under the car.
THE HOSPITAL
KITTY pokes her head out from a patient's room.
KITTY: “Could someone please help me get Mr. Anderson on the gurney, please?”
ERIC: “Oh, I'll give you a hand Mom.”
KITTY: “Okay.”
THEY go in the room. ERIC grabs the man by his legs.
ERIC: “So, what's wrong with him?”
KITTY: “He's dead.”
ERIC drops him.
ERIC: “Oh my God! He's what? What? Didn't we just see this guy a half an hour ago?”
KITTY: “Oh, um, honey he was dead then. I just, I didn't have the heart to tell you. I am so sorry you didn't get a chance to meet him.”
ERIC: “Wait, Mr. Anderson? Isn't this the guy you always talked about at dinner, the guy who's daughter just got married?”
KITTY: “Yeah, yeah, he just showed me the pictures. It was a beautiful wedding. I'm gonna miss him. So ok, you grab that end. Let's get moving, we have to serve dinner in twenty minutes.”
JOHN KELSO'S OFFICE
JOHN is showing KELSO some papers.
JOHN: “And then we look at the chi square here, apply the standard deviation here, and correlate the results with the actualization medium here, and that's what I do. I can't make it any clearer than that.”
KELSO: “I'm just gonna say you're a farmer.”
BARGAIN BOB'S
BOB, dressed as a ring master, comes next to DONNA.
DONNA: “Ok, next question. What has this job taught you?”
BOB: “One thing I've learned, midgets make money. I don't know why, but people see a midget, they wanna buy a blender. I guess it reminds them that life is short! Write, write, write, write, write!”
DONNA, thinking : “Marketing is important. Know your customer.”
BOB reads over her shoulder.
BOB: “Hey, that's not what I said. None of this is what I said.”
DONNA: “Well sure it is, Dad. I mean, I just cleaned up the language a bit to make you sound more dignified.”
BOB: “Dignified? What are you saying, you're embarrassed by me? What have I ever done that's embarrassing?”
DONNA: “Just look around.”
BOB: “All right, let me tell you what I see. You see clowns, I see your tuition at Harvard. You see your dad as a ring master, I see you going to grad school. You see a chimpanzee in a tutu, ok, that just makes me laugh.”
DONNA: “The chimp is cute.”
BOB takes off his hat. His afro is squashed.
BOB: “The point is, Donna, you're capable of great things, and if this is what I have to do so you can achieve them, then that's what I'll do.”
DONNA: “Oh, Jeez dad, I feel really bad.”
BOB puts his hat back on.
BOB: “Hey hey hey, no one feels really bad around Bargain Bob...unless you get bit by a monkey.”
THE TOYOTA
KITTY and ERIC are going home. KITTY is singing along with the radio.
KITTY, singing : “Bad, Bad, Blood, Blood, Is taking you for a ride. The only good thing about bad blood's lettin' it die!”
ERIC: “Mom, how do you do this every day? You're always running around and people are sick and dying.”
KITTY, singing : “Do run, do run, di di di do run run. Do run, do run, di di di do run run…”
ERIC: “I mean, poor Mr. Anderson. Look, you knew this guy, Mom! How do you deal with all this?”
KITTY, still singing : “Here we go now! Bad!”
SHE points at ERIC.
ERIC: “Bad!”
KITTY: “Blood!”
ERIC: “Blood!”
KITTY and ERIC: “The picture's in the smile. The lie is on the lips, such an evil child!”
SCHOOL KITCHEN
EDNA and FEZ dance to the same song. FEZ is about to throw some food away.
EDNA: “Whao! What are you doing?”
FEZ: “Throwing out the disgusting used meat.”
EDNA: “No, no, no sweetie, you gotta toss that in the chili bucket.”
SHE points to a garbage pail.
FEZ: “The chili bucket? I thought that was the garbage.”
EDNA: “Oh no, have you thrown a lot in there?”
FEZ: “Some!”
EDNA: “Well, most things just break down in there, it'll be fine.”
HYDE walks in.
HYDE: “Hi.”
EDNA: “Steven, you came back. You don't know what that means to me.”
HYDE: “Oh yeah?”
EDNA: “Yeah. Honey, could you clean up those pizza trays, I'm gonna skip out early.”
FEZ, to HYDE : “Mmm, guess what I did in the chili bucket? Go ahead, guess!”
EDNA is about to leave .
EDNA: “Uh, Steven, I'm sorry. I'm not being a very good mom, am I?”
HYDE: “No.”
EDNA: “Alright, I got a better idea. Let's do something together. Come on, I'll buy you a beer.”
HYDE: “A beer?”
HYDE sounds hurt. But HE changes opinion.
HYDE: “Well yeah, that actually sounds great!”
EDNA: “Come on. You got your fake I.D.?”
HYDE: “You know it.”
EDNA: “That's my boy!”
FORMAN BASEMENT
THE GANG is finishing up their reports.
KELSO: “Autumn is harvest time for the farmer. At dawn, my dad and I were out in the field picking carrots fresh off the trees.”
HYDE: “Kelso carrots don't…That's good, you should put that down.”
DONNA: “So what do you guys wanna do when you graduate?”
ERIC: “Oh, um, not touch dead people, ever.”
FEZ: “I want to go back to my homeland with all the knowledge I've learned here in Wisconsin, and rule with an iron fist!”
THE END