That '70s Show - 1.15 - That Wrestling Show

That '70s Show
Episode 1.15 - THAT WRESTLING SHOW

Original Airdate: 02-07-1999
Written by Jeff Filgo & Jackie Behan - Directed by Terry Hugues
© Originally posted on http://twiztv.com.

[Please DO NOT post this transcript elsewhere without PERMISSION from the transcriptionist]

"THAT 70'S SHOW" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and (c) by Carsey-Werner-Mandabach LLC Production in association with 20th Century FOX Television, All Rights Reserved. This transcript was made without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication or distribution of this material in any form is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.

POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN
SATURDAY AFTERNOON
3:42 PM

ERIC FORMAN'S BASEMENT

HYDE: “You and Jackie did not do it.”
KELSO: “No, we so did it!”
FEZ: “You're always saying that you did it.”
ERIC: “Kelso, she wears the pants and they have never come off.”
KELSO: “Look at my face. This is a face that did it!”
THEY all stare at KELSO'S face.
FEZ: “Holy Smokes, I think he did it!”
HYDE, FEZ and ERIC: “Kelso did it!!”
KELSO jumps up on the couch.
HYDE: “Yeah, congratulations man. Plus you did it in record time.”
KELSO: “Yeah, you think?”
HYDE: “No, you moron! You've been kissing her ass for over a year!”
KELSO: “Yeah, well that's all over man. It's hard to explain to you kids that have never had sex before, but when you're with a woman something chemical happens to her. Now Jackie's totally different. She's like my love slave. Oh yeah, I'm that good!”
DONNA and JACKIE come in.
DONNA: “Hey guys!”
JACKIE: “Hi sweetie, how are you?”
KELSO: “Well actually I'm a little bit chilly, but I left my coat up in the car.”
JACKIE: “Oh, I'll go get it for you! Miss me!”
JACKIE blows KELSO a kiss and goes out.
KELSO: “Randy little thing, isn't she?”
ERIC: “Okay, that was so cool!”
DONNA: “Cool?”
ERIC: “And by cool I mean wrong and stupid.”
HYDE: “Alright, shut up, shut up! Wrestling's back on.”
HE turns up the volume.
DONNA: “Oh, I love wrestling!”
SHE grabs ERIC and gets him in a head lock. HIS face is right in HER chest.
DONNA: “Come on, you're not even fighting back!”
HYDE: “Why would he fight back?”
SHE lets go of him. The ANNOUNCER on T.V. says that Rocky Johnson is coming to Kenosha on Saturday and that he's gonna fight twenty midgets.
ERIC: “Rocky Johnson's coming to Kenosha, oh man we gotta go!”
HYDE: “I'm in! I love midgets man.”
RED, o.s. from upstairs : “Eric, I need to see you up here.”
ERIC: “Okay, I'll be right up!”
ERIC doesn't move.
FEZ: “You're not going up?”
ERIC: “I'll go up when I'm ready!”
ALL: “Ohh!!!”

FORMAN KITCHEN

KITTY is folding LAURIE'S laundry.
LAURIE: “So I just said to myself, ‘I don't care if all I have is dirty laundry and no money. I'm going home to see my parents because I love them very much.'”
RED: “Aww.”
KITTY: “Oh my, oh well, will you look at these!”
SHE holds up a pair of boxer shorts.
LAURIE: “Yeah Mom, all the girls are wearing them.”
ERIC comes in.
LAURIE: “Eric, where have you been?”
RED: “Yeah Eric, I called you five minutes ago.”
ERIC: “I was watching wrestling.”
RED: “Did you take those books back to the library like I asked you?”
ERIC: “Uh, yeah, I took 'em back.”
RED: “Well then why did I see them in the backseat of your car?”
ERIC: “Well I took them back to the car, which means that they're practically at the library.”
LAURIE: “You know Dad, I feel sorry for all the good kids who wanted to read those books. That's who I feel sorry for.”
ERIC: “Ok it's five books, a nickel a book, big deal, I'm out a quarter.”
RED: “It's not about the money, son. It's about the rules. And without rules we might as well all be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other!”
ERIC: “Uh, ok.”
RED: “The library closes in a half an hour, so get your ass over there.”
ERIC: “Dad, you know all my friends are downstairs so…”
RED: “Hey, hey, hey pal, I'm not the bad guy here. Now you screwed yourself when you didn't return those books. Now go!”
ERIC: “Okay, no!”
RED gets up and goes to ERIC.
RED: “Did you say "No"? Are you telling me "No"? Is that what I'm hearing?”
ERIC: “Yeah.”
THEY stare at each other. Western music plays.
KITTY: “Oh dear.”

OPENING CREDITS

FORMAN KITCHEN

KITTY is setting the table and RED is reading the paper.
KITTY: “You know what's interesting?”
RED: “No.”
KITTY: “When you talk to Laurie you actually have a conversation, but with Eric you just give orders.”
RED: “Kitty, he said ‘no' to me.”
KITTY: “Well he's getting older, Red. I think it's time you two developed a friendship. 'Cause if you don't he'll move away and we'll never see him again. Is that what you want? Red?!”
SHE hits him on the arm.
RED: “I can't be friends with Eric. He's too...twitchy.”
KITTY: “Well, Red, until I see you make some kind of effort, I'm just gonna keep bringing it up.”
RED: “Threats aren't gonna work Kitty.”
KITTY: “In the middle of every newspaper you're reading, every nap you're taking, every football game you're watching, I'll be there talking, talking, talking, talking.”

PINCIOTTI'S KITCHEN

MIDGE, DONNA and BOB are having desert.
MIDGE: “Bob, I'm thinking of starting therapy.”
DONNA: “Okay, I'm gonna be… Bye!”
SHE leaves.
BOB: “Therapy? That's for crazies.”
MIDGE: “You know, the unexamined self is an unfulfilled self.”
BOB: “How can you be unfulfilled? I put a roof over your head, I pay the bills, I take care of you.”
MIDGE: “Yeah, but what do I do?”
BOB: “You fill out that sweater real nice!”
MIDGE: “What?! You...Oh!”
SHE runs out.
BOB: “What?! That's a compliment!”

FORMAN KITCHEN

ERIC and RED are sitting on the table. LAURIE is sitting at the counter. KITTY brings a bowl of mashed potatoes and sits down.
KITTY: “Sit down Laurie, have some ribs.”
LAURIE: “Mom, you know I'm on my water and yogurt diet!”
KITTY: “Ok. Well isn't this nice, my whole family together, mostly, having family fun because that's what dinner is for, right Red?”
SHE throws RED a meaningful look.
RED: “Ok. So, Eric, what happened at school today?”
ERIC: “Why? What'd you hear?”
RED: “What's wrong with you? I can't ask a simple question?”
KITTY: “Red, Red, you need some potatoes!”
SHE shovels mashed potatoes on his plate.
RED: “Uh...Good job on returning those books.”
ERIC, under his breath : “Well yeah, I returned the books, even though it was kinda stupid.”
RED: “What?”
LAURIE: “He said it was stupid daddy.”
KITTY: “Ok, ok. Eric, what are you going to do this weekend?”
ERIC: “Oh, me and the gang are gonna catch that wrestling match in Kenosha.”
KITTY: “Oh well now isn't that something? Because a certain Mr. Red Forman used to wrestle in high school.”
RED: “No, no, no, what I did then was real. That stuff on TV that's uh, that's all an act.”
KITTY: “Oh I don't know. I bet if the two of you went together you'd really enjoy yourselves. Right guys?”
RED and ERIC start objecting. KITTY slams her fists on the table. RED and ERIC shut up.
KITTY: “So you're going!”
SHE laughs.

THERAPIST'S ROOM

MIDGE and the THERAPIST are sitting on the ground.
MIDGE: “And I think everyone has room to grow. But Bob is perfectly satisfied and says just being his wife should make me happy.”
THERAPIST: “Midge, let me stop you right there. I know we've had only one session, but from what I'm hearing, everything you say is completely right and everything that Bob says is completely wrong.”
MIDGE: “I think I'm gonna like therapy!”
THERAPIST: “I think therapy's gonna like you!”

FORMAN'S DRIVEWAY

THE GANG is getting ready to leave for Kenosha. JACKIE opens the back door of the Cruiser.
DONNA: “Jackie, what are you doing here? You hate wrestling.”
JACKIE: “Michael likes it and anything that Michael likes, I like 'cause I like Michael.”
KELSO: “Yeah, that's my girl!”
THEY hug and get in the back of the Cruiser.
DONNA: “Oh, barf!”
RED: “Come on, watch your legs!”
HE closes the back door. BOB comes over.
BOB: “Eh, taking the gang to the wrestling matches, huh? Ah, I guess I'll just sit home alone tonight since Midge is going to some therapy thing. I'll be alone...”
RED: “Get in the car Bob!”
BOB goes to the backseat door very happy.
RED: “Eric, gimme the keys.”
ERIC: “Why can't I drive?”
RED: “Because I wanna get there in one piece.”
KITTY comes behind RED.
HYDE, from inside the car : “Hey, can we get a move on, huh?! If I miss that twenty midget free for all, I'm gonna be super pissed!”
ERIC: “Fine, you drive.”
ERIC gives RED the keys.
KITTY: “Red…”
RED: “You know, on second thought, you should drive. After all, tonight I'm just one of the gang.”
HE gives the car keys back to ERIC. ERIC gets in the car.
RED: “This isn't gonna work, you know. We're gonna kill each other.”
KITTY: “Well fine, kill each other. Just do it together!”

VISTA CRUISER

ERIC is driving. EVERYBODY is wrestling in the car except RED and ERIC.
RED: “Both hands on the wheel Eric. Ten and two, ten and two!”
ERIC: “Dad, if you wanna drive…”
RED: “No, no, no, that's alright. I'm just one of the gang. Yield Eric! That sign says yield!”
RED is driving, EVERYBODY is staring right ahead.
RED: “Ah, that's better!”

THE WRESTLING ARENA

RED, DONNA and RED are sitting together.
RED: “This is so ridiculous. When we get home tonight you better tell your mother we had a damn good time!”
ERIC: “Well, so far so good.”
RED: “Yeah, yeah and now I've gotta go and spend two dollars for a ten cent beer!”
HE gets up to get the beer.
DONNA: “Gee, I'm so glad our dads came.”
ERIC: “At least yours is leaving you alone.”
DONNA: “Yeah. Poor Fez, huh?”
ERIC: “Yeah.”
THEY both look down the aisle, where BOB is sitting near FEZ, a hand over his shoulder. HYDE is sitting near FEZ.
BOB: “There I was sittin' in the kitchen, just sittin' in the kitchen when boom, she tells me she needs therapy. Yeah Midge and I had a beautiful thing Fezzie, then it all went
wrong.”
HYDE: “Yeah Bob, women are hell. Why don't you grab us all a beer and we'll talk it over.”
BOB: “I can get you sodas 'cause I know you're underage.”
HYDE: “Bob, this isn't about us. It's about you, and you need friends, and beer.”
BOB: “Hey, how stupid do you think I am?”
HYDE: “Why don't we grab a beer and we'll talk it over?”
BOB: “Ah, no.”
HYDE, acting like BOB : “Well then Bob, you're on your own.”
FEZ: “See how you drive people away!”
THEY get up and leave BOB alone.

FORMAN KITCHEN

MIDGE: “I'm telling you, after my therapy session I felt so loose.”
LAURIE: “Loose is good.”
KITTY: “If you ask me we could all do with a little tightening.”
MIDGE: “And, and tonight my therapist is hosting an encounter group, but I'm too shy to go alone.”
SHE looks at KITTY.
KITTY: “Oh, well, too bad.”
MIDGE: “Oh Kitty, please come with me.”
KITTY: “I don't think so. No thank you. No.”
MIDGE: “You know what this is a lot like? Like when you asked me to help you host the bake sale, only it's different because I said yes.”
KITTY: “All right.”
MIDGE: “Oh great! It's a gathering of souls in progress over drinks.”
LAURIE: “Free drinks? I'm in.”
KITTY: “Oh, that's nice. That's music to a mother's ears.”

WRESTLING ARENA

RED: “What's going on here?”
ERIC: “Ok, see that guy getting in the ring? That's Rocky Johnson. Yeah, he's the best!”
ROCKY wrestles with a couple of midgets.
RED: “The best?! They're not even fighters. I mean, it's all tricks. I could get up there, right now and- Oh damn! He dropped that guy right on his head!”
ERIC: “Yeah!”

LATER, ANOTHER MATCH

WRESTLER 1 got WRESTLER 2 in a head lock.
WRESTLER 1: “Yeah, that's right, I got him! He's not goin' anywhere!”
The match continues and WRESTLER 1 wins.
WRESTLER 1: “Yeah, get off me! I'm the winner here!”
Camera pans over to the seats.
KELSO: “Man, It's hot in here, huh?”
JACKIE: “Oh you poor thing!”
SHE takes ice from her soda and rubs it on KELSO'S forehead.
JACKIE: “Is that better, sweetie?”
KELSO: “Oh Yeah!”
DONNA: “Jackie, can I talk to you for a second?”
JACKIE: “Yeah, yeah, sure, Michael…”
DONNA grabs her and pulls her out of the chair.
JACKIE: “OWW!”
DONNA: “Jackie, what the hell is going on between you and Kelso?”
JACKIE: “Look, Michael Kelso and I have made beautiful love.”
DONNA: “Eww! I mean...No, eww! Why are you being such a doormat?”
JACKIE: “Look, I have to be nice. What if he gets bored now?”
DONNA: “Bored? Jackie, he's gonna wanna do it again.”
JACKIE: “So, what you're saying is I'm totally in charge.”
DONNA: “Well, I mean a partner…”
JACKIE: “No, no, no, I own him! I am the Man!”
DONNA: “Well, Jackie, I…”
JACKIE: “No no. Thank you Donna.”

THE REFRESHMENTS STAND

HYDE steps up to the stand.
HYDE: “Good evening Sir. I would like a refreshing cola please.”
FEZ, o.s. using a deeper voice : “And get me a beer, son!”
HYDE: “Ok, Dad, sure. And a beer for my dad...”
HE waits but the guy only gives him the cola.
HYDE: “You're not gonna get me that beer are you?”
FEZ comes into view.
FEZ: “What seems to be the problem, son?”

BACK TO RING

A WRESTLER gets thrown off the arena and lands at ERIC and RED'S feet. THEY both get up.
ERIC: “What are you doing? Don't just sit there!”
RED: “Get up you big moose! Look, he's laughing at you.”
WRESTLER 2: “I give and I give and I give!”
RED: “Boo hoo. Get back in the ring!”
THE WRESTLER gives them a threatening look. THEY both sit back down again.
RED: “Hey this is fun.”

LOCKER ROOM DOOR

ERIC and RED are waiting for ROCKY JOHNSON to sign autographs. HE comes.
ERIC: “Hey Rocky Johnson. Hey Mr. Johnson, Sir, may I have your autograph?”
HE goes straight to the locker room .
RED: “Eric, go in there and get your autograph.”
ERIC: “No way Dad, the sign says wrestlers only.”
RED: “So?”
ERIC: “So, that's a rule. As I remember, a great man once said to me if we were to break the rules, the world would just be filled with tree climbing crap flingers.”
RED: “Yeah. Now follow me. You want your autograph or no?”
THEY go in.
RED: “There he is!”
ERIC: “Mr. Johnson, you gave that team of midgets an ass whoopin', sir.”
ROCKY: “When you pile drive a little guy, the whole crowd turns on you. Then when you're standing there, wondering what they're booing about, you get bit on the
knee caps. Look at my knees, midget bites.”
HE shows them his knee.
RED: “I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.”
The MANAGER comes over.
MANAGER: “No, no autographs.”
RED: “Look, I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.”
MANAGER: “Give the kid an autograph and then no more autographs.”
ROCKY: “You know that's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. I got a son, and one day he's gonna become the most electrifying man in sports entertainment.”
RED: “Yeah, well, good luck with that. Uh, wanna make that out to Red Forman.”
ERIC: “No, no, I don't think so. It's Eric Forman, capital E-R-I-C.”
RED: “Yeah but see, his nickname is Red.”
ERIC: “No, it's not.”
RED: “Stop kidding around, Red.”

BACK TO THE RING SIDE

KELSO: “You know, babe, a soda would taste pretty good right about now.”
JACKIE: “Yeah, you're right, a soda does sound pretty good. I'll have a diet.”
KELSO: “I'll have a root beer...Um, don't you wanna go get it for me, sweetie?”
JACKIE: “Ok, let me clear it up for you. Get me a soda!!!! Now!!!!”
KELSO jumps up and goes. JACKIE taps DONNA on the shoulder.
JACKIE: “Did you see that? I'm the man.”

DOWN THE AISLE

BOB walks over to FEZ and HYDE carrying two beers. HE sits down between them and HE gives one to each guy. HE then puts an arm on FEZ'S shoulder, the other on HYDE'S.
BOB: “It all started about six months ago when Midgy got a subscription to Cosmo…”

THERAPIST'S LIVING ROOM

EVERYBODY is sitting on the floor. KITTY looks uncomfortable and keeps trying to find how to sit well.
THERAPIST: “These group sessions are about testing your boundaries, losing your inhibitions and really sharing with the group. Kitty, are you ready?”
KITTY: “Oh, um, well...”
LAURIE: “Share a little Mom. Tell us how folding the dish towels just right makes all our problems go away!”
KITTY: “You want me to share? Ok. Laurie, you're mean to your brother and you're screwing around at college. We don't even see you unless you run out of clean clothes or need cash. The fact is you're an ungrateful spoiled brat!”
KITTY explodes laughing .
KITTY: “Well, thank you. That was nice. I love you honey!”
THERAPIST: “Well, I hope we're all as excited about this journey as I am. Lets pair off!”
THE GUY sitting next to KITTY takes his shirt off and KITTY jumps up.
KITTY: “Ok, oh!”
SHE grabs MIDGE and LAURIE and drags them to the door.
MIDGE: “I don't get it Kitty. What's going on?”
KITTY: “I'll tell you what's going on! He's a bad doctor, a bad doctor!”

FORMAN LIVING ROOM

ERIC and RED are getting in.
ERIC: “You know, thanks for letting me drive.”
RED: “Thanks for not killing me.”
ERIC: “You know, I just had a lot of fun tonight with you Dad.”
RED: “Yeah, me too.”
THEY get ready to wrestle.
RED: “Oh you want some, huh?”
ERIC: “Yeah.”
ERIC tackles RED and he has him in a head lock.
ERIC: “Yes! Who's the king? Who's the king?!”
RED: “Oww, my neck, oh!”
ERIC lets him go.
ERIC: “Oh God, Dad I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Look I had no idea…”
RED is faking and tackles ERIC. HE has him in a head lock.
RED: “Now who's the king, huh?”
ERIC: “You are.”
RED gives ERIC a hug.

THE TAG

MIDGE is stretched up on a couch. A new THERAPIST is listening to her .
THERAPIST 2: “Uh huh.”
MIDGE: “And it turns out this therapist was just obsessed with sex!”
CAMERA on THERAPIST'S notebook. HE is drawing breasts and is using MIDGE'S white opaque shirt to check out her breasts.
MIDGE: “This is a really difficult time for me. The last thing I need is a doctor who doesn't take me seriously. I need to find someone I can talk to, someone who'll really listen.”
THERAPIST 2: “So, wanna go to a party?”
MIDGE: “Okay!”

THE END