That '70s Show

 Episode 1.12 - THE BEST CHRISTMANS EVER

Original Airdate: 12-13-1998
Written by Philip Stark & Terry Turner - Directed by David Trainer
© Originally posted on http://twiztv.com.

[Please DO NOT post this transcript elsewhere without PERMISSION from the transcriptionist]



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THE BASEMENT

EVERYBODY is watching Christmas cartoons and DONNA is decorating a tree.
DONNA: “Man the Grinch has a big butt!”
FEZ: “Yes, nothing says Christmas like a big green Grinch ass!”
DONNA, to ERIC: “Hold the ladder for me.”
KELSO: “So, Eric what are you doing on Christmas Eve?”
ERIC: “Oh, my parents are having the same lame Christmas party they have every year. All the adults: ‘Hey neighbor, is that mistletoe?’”
HE acts as if he was kissing someone.
DONNA: “Alright, now how does that look?”
ERIC and HYDE face her butt.
HYDE: “It’s great man!”
ERIC: “Oh, so fabulous!”
DONNA: “Guys, the ornaments are up here…”
HYDE and ERIC: “Oh yeah, that’s great!”
JACKIE: “Oh, I just love Christmas! It’s all about good tidings and cheer, uh, and shopping!”
HYDE: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what Jesus was going for.”
JACKIE: “Hey, I give too. Every year my friends and I deliver gift baskets to the unfortunate.”
DONNA: “I think you mean less fortunate.”
JACKIE: “Okay, whatever. Bums!”
KITTY comes downstairs.
KITTY: “Oh, what are you guys doing watching cartoons? Holiday In is on!”
SHE switches channel and sings along.
KITTY: “Where the tree tops glisten…la la la listen! Eric, come on, help me get the decorations!”
ERIC: “Sure mom.”
THEY go to the storage room.
KELSO: “You know what my favorite Christmas gift of all time is? Light-brite! It’s fun making things with Light-brite! Well it is.”
HYDE: “Man, my favorite gift is cash! That way you can buy whatever you want! Know what I mean Donna?”
DONNA: “Uh uh.”
HYDE: “Like, let’s just say somebody gave you… I don’t know, uh, six dollars and some change right. Yeah, to buy a present. What would you get?”
DONNA: “Well Hyde, it doesn’t matter how much it could cost as long as it’s personal and sentimental.”
JACKIE: “You know what’s both personal and sentimental? Diamonds!”
SHE nudges KESLO. ERIC and KITTY scream from the storage room and THEY get out. KITTY goes upstairs.
ERIC: “We were going through a box of Christmas decorations and we found the Christmas rat.”
 
FORMAN KITCHEN

KITTY: “So Laurie, seeing anyone special at college?”
LAURIE: “Oh, I like to date around.”
ERIC: “Slut-choum!”
KITTY: “Well, bless you.”
ERIC: “Thanks mom. Hey, uh, Dad, instead of being at your party this year, maybe I could throw a party in the basement. I mean, I think I’m old enough.”
KITTY laughs.
RED: “Fine.”
KITTY and LAURIE: “Fine?”
RED: “Well every year, he just mopes around here like it’s the end of the world anyway.”
ERIC: “Alright, thanks dad.”
KITTY: “So now, who’s going to sing the high parts on ‘The Little Drummer Boy’?”
LAURIE: “Well, traditionally, it’s the man who can’t grow facial hair.”
ERIC: “Hey dad, uh, one more thing about the party… I need some money.”
RED: “Alright Eric. I want you to pick out this year’s tree. And whatever you don’t spend, you can use for your party.”
ERIC: “Hey dad, you know how much I hate haggling with those tree…”
RED: “Haggling is part of being an adult. Now, here’s forty dollars.”
ERIC: “I want fifty.”
RED: “Knock it off!”
ERIC: “Oh sure.”
RED: “Pick out a good one.”
KITTY: “Okay fine, throw your party. But can I at least make you some punch and cookies?”
ERIC: “Mom, no.”
KITTY: “Just punch.”
ERIC: “No mom.”
KITTY: “Well you can’t have a Christmas party without punch! That, that’s just insanity!”

BARGAIN BOB’S

RED gives a costumer a bag.
RED: “Merry Christmas.”
BOB comes over.
RED: “You know Bob, I,  I just wanna thank you again for the job. You know.”
BOB: “Oh, I always need extra help during the Holidays. I feel like you’re my second in command around here.”
A PAUSE.
BOB: “So, listen. How about you close up for me on Christmas Eve?”
RED: “Why would we be open?”
BOB: “Oh, well, that’s a big night Red. See, picture a guy driving home from work on Christmas Eve. Fa la la la  la.”
RED: “Bob, nobody works on Christmas Eve.”
BOB: “All of a sudden, he realizes he forgot to buy a gift! Then, he passes by the store here, sees we’re the only place open. So what does he do? He comes in here and buys a fridge.”
RED: “So this guy is insane?”
BOB: “Not my place to judge. So what do you say?”
RED: “Fine.”
BOB: “I knew I could count on you Red. Of course you’ll have to wear the Santa Claus suit.”
RED: “Ah, you got me there Bob!”
BOB: “No, I’m serious Red.”
RED: “No, you got me there Bob!”

A FOREST ON THE INTERSTATE

KELSO is sawing a tree while HYDE and ERIC are standing guard.
HYDE: “Forman man, would you relax? This is a good plan. We cut down the tree and keep the forty bucks for beer!”
ERIC: “Car!”
HYDE and ERIC duck and KELSO looks up.
KELSO: “Where?”
ERIC: “Kelso, car means get down!”
KELSO saws some more then gets up. The tree is still standing.
KELSO: “Okay, I’m done.”
ERIC: “No, I disagree Kelso. See, if you were done the tree would probably be more horizontal.”
KELSO: “No, I mean I’m done!”
HYDE: “Car!”
THEY all duck.
KELSO: “Alright, cut it yourself!”
HE gives HYDE the saw.
HYDE: “Fine, Kelso! Do you believe him?”
HE gives ERIC the saw.
ERIC: “Oh, come on Hyde, did you have to write your name in the snow so close to the tree?”
HYDE: “Sorry.”
ERIC starts sawing.
 
FORMAN DRIVEWAY

THE GUYS are taking down the tree from the Vista Cruiser. ERIC and KELSO are fighting with the tree.
KELSO: “Now we got forty bucks for beer! You know what else we should do? Not get any presents!”
KELSO falls under the tree and gets back up.
KELSO: “No presents! That way we got more money for beer!”
ERIC: “Hey, shut up!”
MIDGE and KITTY get out from the kitchen.
KITTY: “Oh Eric, this is the most beautiful tree I think we have ever had! Oh, and it’s just, it’s so fresh!”

A BIRD comes out from the tree flying. KITTY ducks and then goes back inside.

 HYDE: “Mrs. Pinciotti? Look, I was thinking of getting a present for this girl, and um, you know, she’s about Donna’s age, so I was kinda wondering what Donna likes.”
MIDGE: “Perfume! Donna wears ‘White Shoulders’. It’s not just for shoulders, you can wear it anywhere.”
HYDE: “Really?”
MIDGE: “Sure, like your neck or the mall.”
HYDE: “Wow, uh, alright well, how much does a bottle of that run?”
MIDGE: “Um, about twelve dollars.”
HYDE: “Um. Well, what about a bottle of crappy perfume? What does that run?”
MIDGE: “Gosh, I don’t know. I’ll call Bob’s mom.”
MIDGE goes home and LAURIE comes out.
LAURIE: “Oh, you did not get this from a lot! You stole it!”
ERIC: “I haggled.”
LAURIE: “With who, Smoky the Bear? You stole it.”
ERIC: “Well, I mean you’re the one to talk, you’re flunking out of college.”
LAURIE: “How’d you know?”
ERIC: “I didn’t.”
LAURIE: “Shut up!”
ERIC: “Shut up!”
LAURIE: “You shut up!”
ERIC: “You shut up!”
LAURIE: “Okay.”
ERIC: “Okay.”

FORMAN LIVING ROOM

KITTY, LAURIE and BERNICE are decorating the tree.
KITTY: “Okay now, be careful with this one, it’s very, very old.”
BERNICE: “Oh, it looks terrible! Laurie, Laurie, hang that one around on the backside.”
LAURIE: “Okay Grandma.”
BERNICE: “Oh, and Kitty, you got two red ones together.”
KITTY: “Uh uh, so I do. Thank you Bernice.”
ERIC comes downstairs gliding on the stairs ramp.
LAURIE: “Eric, help me hang these stupid ornaments.”
ERIC: “I can’t, I’m planning a party.”
LAURIE: “I don’t get it, how come the Little Drummer Boy gets to have a party.”
ERIC: “Because I asked, you stupid sister.”
LAURIE: “That’s not clever.”
ERIC: “I don’t have time to be clever. I’m planning a party, miss dumb girl.”
HE goes off.
DOOR BELL RINGS
BERNICE: “I’ll get it.”
SHE opens the door and finds JACKIE and three of her friends.
JACKIE: “Oh, hi, is Michael here?”
BERNICE: “There’s no Michael here. You have the wrong address.”
SHE shuts the door in their faces.

FORMAN KITCHEN

JACKIE: “Michael, I want you to drive me and my friends around on Christmas Eve.”
KELSO: “Why?”
JACKIE: “To distribute gift baskets to the less fortunate bums.”
KELSO: “Okay, but we better be back in time for the party.”
FEZ: “Yes, perhaps you lovely ladies would like to join us?”
GIRL #1: “I don’t think so.”
GIRL #2: “Well, we are supposed to be helping the less fortunate.”
GIRL #3: “Okay.”
HYDE: “Hey Jackie, come here.”
JACKIE: “Why?”
HYDE: “Just come here!”
JACKIE: “Hyde, if you wanna make out with me, the answer’s probably no.”
HYDE: “Well, okay, look Jackie, I know this girl right and I wanna get her a Christmas present.”
JACKIE: “Oh my God it’s Donna!”
HYDE: “It’s not Donna.”
JACKIE: “Okay, it’s not Donna. So, how much do you have to spend?”
HYDE: “Six dollars.”
JACKIE: “You don’t deserve a girl like Donna for six dollars.”
HYDE: “I’m not trying to get Donna!”
JACKIE: “Good, ‘cause you won’t for six dollars!”
HYDE: “You know what? Thanks a lot, never mind, bye-bye.”
HE turns JACKIE back to her friends and pushes her there.
JACKIE, her FRIENDS and KELSO get out.
FEZ: “We will see you tomorrow, babes.”
HE turns back to HYDE.
FEZ: “May I ask you a question?”
HYDE: “Sure.”
FEZ: “What the hell are you doing?”
HYDE: “What?”
FEZ: “Buying Donna a gift. You know Eric likes her.”
HYDE: “I know man, but you know, they’re not officially…”
FEZ: “Still, in my country, I will string you from the tallest tree.”
HYDE: “We’re  not in your country Fez.”
FEZ: “Right, so good luck with Donna.”

FORMAN KITCHEN

LAURIE and BERNICE get in with lots of brown bags.
LAURIE: “We’re back from the store!”
BERNICE: “Kitty, a made a few changes on your groceries list. I don’t like your taste in dip.”
LAURIE goes over to a punch owl and is about to drink some when KITTY sees her.
KITTY: “No. Oh Laurie, no, no, no, no, no. The punch is for Eric’s party. Here, why don’t you take this tonic out to the bar, make sure we have enough rum and vodka.”
BERNICE: “All that rum and vodka! Kitty, you have a problem!”
KITTY: “It’s for the party Bernice.”
BERNICE: “Oh, that’s convenient. All I know is that my Red didn’t start to drink until he met you.”
KITTY: “And I didn’t start to drink until I met you.”
KITTY laughs, realizing she said that out loud.
KITTY: “Merry Christmas! Okay Bernice, here, help me get more of the party supplies.”
THEY walk out. LAURIE walks into the kitchen with a bottle of alcohol. SHE opens it and starts pouring into the punch bowl.
LAURIE: “Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum!”
 
THE BASEMENT

DONNA is making the final touches on the tree’s decorations. ERIC comes up to her behind her and hangs mistletoe over them.
ERIC: “This should probably go here.”
DONNA: “Mistletoe?”
ERIC: “Yeah, well it’s really more for decoration.”
DONNA: “Is that a fact, neighbor?”
ERIC: “Um, no.”
THEY kiss. But they’re interrupted by KELSO and HYDE coming in with groceries bags. At the same time, KITTY and LAURIE start getting downstairs.
KELSO: “Hey Eric, where do we put the beer?”
ERIC: “Put it in the ice chest! SHHH! SHH!"
KITTY: “Okay now, here you go. Punch and cookies just like I promised.”
ERIC: “No, mom! Mom!”
LAURIE: “Eric, mom made it for you. The least you could do is drink a lot of it!”
KITTY puts her arms on their shoulders.
KITTY: “You know, you two, you are just the best Christmas present a mother could have.”
LAURIE slaps ERIC’S head. HE does the same. KITTY leaves.
KELSO sees an opening to hit on LAURIE jumps over the sofa, his heel gets caught in a cushion and he bangs his shin on the table. HE gets up.
KELSO: “Hello Laurie.”
LAURIE: “Kelso.”
KELSO: “So, uh, um, cool!”
FEZ comes in carrying a bag.
DONNA: “Hey Fez.”
FEZ: “Merry Christmas. Oh, punch.”
LAURIE: “Yeah, can I pour you some?”
FEZ: “No thank you, but if you would like, you can bend over and  put my gift under the tree.”
KELSO: “Oh, gifts? I thought we said no gifts!”
ERIC: “No Kelso, you said no gifts.”
DONNA: “What’s Christmas without gifts?”
HYDE: “Yeah man, where is your heart?”
KELSO: “Nobody tells me anything around here! Now I gotta go get something for Jackie. She’ll kill me!”
LAURIE: “Hey, cheer up, have some punch!”
KELSO: “I don’t want any punch. I gotta get a gift for Jackie! Who I’m breaking up with.”

BARGAIN BOB’S

RED is alone and he’s watching the Little Drummer Boy on T.V.. KELSO comes running in.
KELSO: “Hi Mr. Forman.”
RED: “Kelso, what are you doing here? It’s Christmas Eve.”
KELSO: “I know, I’m looking for a Christmas gift. You know you’re the only place in this whole town that’s open?”
RED: “Yeah, I know.”
KELSO: “What can I get for seventeen dollars?”
RED: “Well, we’ve got some really nice heavy-duty extension cords.”
KELSO: “No. How much is that refrigerator?”

THE BASEMENT

FEZ: “Hello Ladies. So glad you could make it. Now, may I get you something to drink? We have beer you know.”
GIRL #1: “What else do you have?”
FEZ: “We have punch, but we also have beer!”
GIRL #1: “ Punch is fine.”
FEZ: “Punch it is, ok. Would you like to chase down that punch with a nice beer?”
 
BARGAIN BOB’S

RED and KELSO are playing pong.
RED: “Oh, I am kicking your ass!”
KELSO: “Good game Mr. Forman!”
HE puts down the paddle and gets up.
RED: “Oh, you’re leaving?”
KELSO: “Yeah.”
RED: “Oh, come on now! Come on! We’ll play another game.”
KELSO: “No, Jackie’s waiting for me I really…”
RED: “One more game. Come on! Come on!”
KELSO sits down again.

THE BASEMENT

FEZ is pouring the girls more punch. The bowl is less than half full. THE GIRLS are all over him.
GIRL #1: “You know who you remind me of? Freddie Prinze.”
GIRL #2: “No, Riccardo Modelblond.”
GIRL #3: “You said model blonde.”
GIRL #1: “Okay, shut up. Okay Fez, I want you to say something like really slow.”
FEZ: “Hello my darlings. And when I say hello, you know what I mean.”
JACKIE: “Hey, he was my friend first!”
HYDE: “Man, what’s going on with the pep squad?”
DONNA: “Yeah, they seem extra stupid tonight.”
KELSO comes in and hands JACKIE something wrapped in a brown paper bag.
KELSO: “Jackie, this is for you.”
JACKIE: “Oh, Michael, what is it?”
SHE takes it out of the bag.
JACKIE: “It’s hot rollers! And with steam!”

FORMAN LIVING ROOM

THE WOMAN ARE SINGING NEAR THE PIANO.
RED comes in from the back.
BOB: “Hya Red. How did it go tonight?”
RED: “Well, I sold a set of hot rollers Bob and … a pong game.”
THE DOOR BELL RINGS
MIDGE: “I’ll get it.”
SHE opens the door and finds two POLICEMEN on the doorstep.
MIDGE: “May I help you?”
POLICEMAN #1: “Ma ‘am, do you own a 1969 tan Oldsmobile station wagon in the driveway?”
MIDGE: “No, I don’t.”
POLICEMAN #1: “Do you know who does?”
MIDGE: “Yes, I do. “
POLICEMAN #1: “Could you get them please?”
MIDGE: “Sure. Red!”
POLICEMAN #1: “Sir, we believe your vehicle was involved in the unlawful removal of state property.”
RED: “What?”
POLICEMAN #1: “We’re gonna have to confiscate that tree.”
KITTY: “The tree? No, I mean… no, it’s all done, I mean… I mean look at it… Do you, I’m… NO!”
SHE puts herself in front of the tree as a body shield.
 
THE BASEMENT

HYDE offers DONNA a gift.
HYDE: “Hey, I got you something. It’s no big deal, but you know, Christmas.”
DONNA: “Suddenly Hyde is getting bashful?”
SHE unwraps it.
DONNA: “Oh, wow! This is great!”
ERIC: “Well, what is it?”
DONNA: “It’s a picture of me and Hyde.”
HYDE: “Yeah, yeah, it’s me and you in fifth grade. I’ve had it in my drawer forever so I just framed it.”
DONNA: “That is so sweet.”
ERIC: “Yeah, that is so sweet.”
HE bends over and gets a package from under the tree.
ERIC: “Hey, look, why don’t you open my present?”
SHE unwraps it.
DONNA: “Oh, White Shoulders! I love this stuff, thank you!”
SHE kisses ERIC on the cheek. He looks pleased.
ERIC: “You’re welcome.”
DONNA looks at the two gifts.
DONNA: “Oh, Oh my god! You can see my training bra through my shirt!”
HYDE: “Yeah, I remember that training bra!”
ERIC: “Gee, um, I wish I got you something like…”
HYDE: “Man, dude, it’s nothing.”
DONNA: “It’s not nothing. This is so thoughtful. It’s the sweetest thing any one’s given me!”
SHE kisses him on the cheek. SHE looks at ERIC.
DONNA: “Next to the perfume.”
ERIC: “Right, well I wrapped it myself. I know how you like things… wrapped so…”
RED is on the stairs, seeing the whole scene.
RED: “ERIC, before you explain the beer, maybe you can tell me why there are two State Troopers in the living room confiscating our Christmas tree.”
ERIC: “Oh, that, um, funny story and a true story, you’re gonna laugh…”
RED: “Get to the point!”
ERIC: “We cut down a tree of the side of the interstate.”
RED: “Well, that’s just great Eric. Now, the party’s over, you’re grounded and I want what’s left of my forty bucks.”
ERIC: “Kelso, give it to him.”
RED: “Oh, no!”
KELSO: “Yeah, I sorta spend it on Jackie’s gift.”
JACKIE gets up from the tricycle she was sitting on and runs over to KELSO.
JACKIE: “Oh Michael, my hot rollers! You got in trouble for me Michael? Oh, I love you Michael!”
GIRL #1: “Oh, God Bless us everyone!”
JACKIE: “And Hyde loves Donna!”
HYDE: “Whoa, she’s crazy man!”
RED: “Eric, what the hell is going on here? Have these girls been drinking?”
ERIC: “No, look, dad, I swear, just mom’s punch!”
RED goes over to the bowl and tastes some.
RED: “Lousy with hooch!”
HYDE: “You see, you see Red? She’s drunk man, that’s drunk talk! False!”
RED: “Come on Jackie, I’ll take you and the sob sisters home. Eric, the rest of that beer goes into my refrigerator. Donna, your father is upstairs I suggest you join him. Steven, you help Eric clean up and Kelso… go home!”
FEZ: “Eric, do something! Your father is taking my women!”
DONNA: “Thanks for the gifts guys. Merry Christmas.”
SHE gives ERIC a small package and she kisses him on the cheek and she gives HYDE a big package and also kisses him. She pauses a few seconds, then goes upstairs.
HYDE: “So, what’d you get?”
ERIC: “I.D. bracelet.”
HYDE: “Cool, got your name on it?”
ERIC: “Yeah, what’d you get?”
HYDE starts unwrapping his gift , pauses, smiles at ERIC and continues.
HYDE: “Tube socks!”
ERIC: “Good! I mean tube socks are good!”

THE TAG
 
FORMAN KITCHEN

BOB: “Thanks for working tonight. Sorry it was a slow night.”
RED: “No problem!”
BOB: “Merry Christmas Red.”
RED: “Merry Christmas Bob.”
THEY toast.
BOB: “Now, gimme a hug.”
RED: “No, Bob, really, I’m fine.”
BOB: “Hey, it’s the seventies. Men can hug.”
RED: “No, Bob, they can’t.”
BOB: “Come on, it’s Christmas!”
BOB hugs RED. RED is uncomfortable because of BOB’S afro.
BOB: “Hey look, mistletoe!”
RED looks up and BOB laughs at him.

THE END