That '70s Show

 Episode 1.11 - ERIC'S BUDDY

Original Airdate: 12-06-1998
Written by Philip Stark - Directed by David Trainer
© Originally posted on http://twiztv.com.

[Please DO NOT post this transcript elsewhere without PERMISSION from the transcriptionist]



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POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN
DECEMBER 8, 1976
3:18 P.M.
POINT PLACE HIGH SCHOOL


ERIC and BUDDY are talking in front of the building.
ERIC: “Alright, this is basically all you need to know about Bohr's theory of atomic structure.”
ERIC gives some papers to BUDDY.
BUDDY: “Cool, man, thank. I appreciate it. Listen, you don't mind me being your chemistry lab partner?”
ERIC: “No. Why would I mind?”
BUDDY: “Just ‘cause, I, uh, you know, I tend to blow things up.”
BUDDY goes to a red Trans Am and unlocks it.
ERIC: “Whoa, whoa, Buddy, what are you doing?”
BUDDY: “Unlocking my car…”
ERIC: “No way! This is your car? Oh, so you’re the guy I hate!”
BUDDY: “Yeah, yeah, that’d be me.”
ERIC: “Can I just?…”
ERIC motions towards the car.
BUDDY: “Yeah, yeah.”
ERIC runs towards the passenger side of the car.
ERIC: “I’m so glad you’re my lab partner!”
BUDDY: “I could take you for a ride if you want.”
ERIC: “No way! Oh, let’s go!”
ERIC gets in the car and starts playing around with the power window.
BUDDY: “Hey, don’t do that!”
ERIC stops and looks down ashamed.
BUDDY: “I’m kidding!”
ERIC starts playing with it again.

BARGAIN BOB’S

BOB: “Here you go Red. Your very first paycheck!”
RED: “Thanks Bob. You know, I really appreciate the job.”
BOB: “Yeah, I just wish you had a commission check in there.”
RED: “Well, I haven’t sold a damned thing.”
BOB: “Yet. But if I paid people for almost selling something you'd be rich. But I don't so you're not! But hey! Today is your day.”
RED spots a customer in front of some refrigerator. HE walks up to her.
RED: “Oh, hi. Can I help you?”
COSTUMER: “Yes, I’d like to buy a refrigerator.”
BOB pats RED’S shoulder.
BOB: “Woo hoo!”
BOB leaves.
RED: “Well, what kind of refrigerator would you like?”
COSTUMER: “Well, I don’t know.”
RED: “Ok, what kind of features are you looking for?”
COSTUMER: “Uh, I’d like it to be cold.”
RED: “Yeah, Uh, well, how many cubic feet of food does your family consume in a week?”
COSTUMER: “Gee, I don’t know. I do know I like harvest gold.”
RED: “See well now, there’s your first mistake. Now color is the last thing that you wanna consider. You see, I can’t sell you something if you really don’t know what you really want.”
COSTUMER: “Yes, it was wrong for me to walk in here ready to write a check. But thanks!”
SHE leaves and RED is frustrated that he let another sale slip through his fingers.

OPENING CREDITS

SCHOOL PARKING LOT

HYDE: “Where the hell is Forman man? This isn’t like him.”
KELSO: “I’m really starting to get worried. What if something happened to him?”
HYDE: “Nothing happened to him.”
KELSO: “What if he’s lost or hurt somewhere?”
HYDE: “Calm down Lassie. I’m sure Timmy’s just fine.”
KELSO: “Yeah. Maybe we should check the school morgue.”
HYDE: “Kelso, the school doesn’t have a morgue.”
KELSO: “Then why do we pay all those taxes for?”
HYDE: “You know what kills me? You do better in school than I do.”
KELSO: “I’m worried man.”
HYDE: “Ok, fine, now let's just be logical, right? I mean, Forman's not gonna just ditch us. The Cruiser's battery's probably dead or something.”
HE tries to open the car door.
KELSO: “You know what, it's starting to get late. Maybe we should just start walking.”
HYDE: “No, no, no, I am not walking. If God wanted us to walk, he wouldn't have given us Forman.”

THE HUB

JACKIE: “Oh my God! That’s Buddy Morgan!”
DONNA: “Oh man, I had such a crush on him in the seventh grade.”
FEZ: “He’s driving the firey chariot of the sun God.”
JACKIE: “He’s with Eric? This is a serious clique breach!”
DONNA: “A serious clique breach, well, that's the worst kind!”
JACKIE: “You see, Buddy is in the rich kid clique.”
SHE holds up the mustard bottle.
JACKIE: “They mingle with the jock clique.”
SHE holds up the ketchup bottle.
JACKIE: “Then you have your smokers and your heads.”
SHE holds up the pepper and the salt and demonstrates her whole theory using the bottles.
JACKIE: “Ok? Rich kids can be smokers, and jocks can be heads. But jocks can not be smokers unless they're rich!"
DONNA: “What about Larry Mosely? He's a rich jock smoker head.”
JACKIE: “Ok, well now you're just being difficult.”
ERIC and BUDDY walk in The Hub.
ERIC: “Hey, guys, um, Buddy, you know everyone, right?”
BUDDY: “Hi. Uh, no I don't think we've actually met”
HE points out FEZ.
FEZ: “No, I am Fez.”
BUDDY: “Hi.”
FEZ: “My Gosh, Buddy, with a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores.”
ERIC: “Okay, let’s head back to my house.”

FORMAN KITCHEN

KITTY: “Well, now Red, you know, working as a salesman is different from working at a plant. You just, you need time to adjust. You need to use your people skills.”
RED: “Kitty, I don’t have any people skills.”
KITTY: “Ok, come on now, come on. Buck up. You can do this. All you have to do is smile. That is the most important people skill of all. So, come on, let me see it. Come on!”
RED smiles forcefully.
KITTY: “Okay, you just keep on smiling.”
 
THE BASEMENT

THEY’RE all watching “Gilligan’s Island”
FEZ: “Hey, they’re finally getting off the island!”
ERIC: “No, Fez, they’re not getting off the island.”
FEZ: “But they have a clock and a radio, what could go wrong?”
Gilligan screws everything up again in this episode.
FEZ: “Oh Jilligan!”
HYDE and KELSO come in, shaking and very angry.
ERIC: “Oh, there you guys are, hey, where have you been?”
KELSO: “Where have we… Where have you been? We’ve been worried sick about you!”
HYDE: “We had to walk all the way here man! My feet are killing me!”
KELSO: “Are your finger broken? You can’t use a phone?”
HYDE: “Do you know that it’s freezing outside? And I’m wearing my uncle’s boots so now I have a blister!”
DONNA: “Shaggy, Scooby, we have company.”
SHE points to BUDDY, who is sitting in HYDE’S chair.
HYDE: “Huh, Buddy Morgan. Yeah, I know you…”
BUDDY: “Yeah, I guess it’s my fault. I gave Eric a ride home so…”
HYDE: “Get outta my chair!”
BUDDY gets up.
BUDDY: “Okay, I really had to be going anyway, so…oh, hey! Your car's still at school, huh?”
KELSO: “Yeah you’re damn right it is!”
BUDDY: “I could drop you off.”
ERIC: “Oh, yeah! Sure! And, hey guys, I'm real sorry I forgot about you.”
BUDDY: “Hey, did you wanna drive?”
ERIC: “HELL YES!”
HE takes BUDDY’S keys and races up the stairs. BUDDY follows him.
FEZ: “I call backseat!”
HE follows them.
KELSO: “See that? He just ditched us again!”
JACKIE: “Do you even know how difficult it is to clique jump? Eric has achieved something very special and you are both ruining it for him!”
KELSO: “Who cares. I'm tired, and I never wanna walk anywhere again.”
JACKIE jumps up.
JACKIE: “Michael walk me home!”
KELSO: “Okay.”
THEY leave.
DONNA: “Ok, what's your problem with Buddy? I mean, he seems nice enough.”
HYDE: “Screw him, man. I mean, he's got the money, the car, the family, the teachers like him, the counselors like him, everybody likes him! I hate him.”
DONNA: “Hyde, don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?”
HYDE: “Donna, let me tell you something. Ok? When high school's over, Buddy Morgan's going to a great college. You know where I'm gonna be? Sitting right here in my uncle's boots.”
DONNA: “Well, at least you got great friends. And, um, I'll always be your friend.”
HYDE: “Thanks Donna.”
HYDE puts his hand on DONNA’S thigh.
DONNA: “That was sympathy, Hyde. Not an opening for you to put your hand on my knee.”
HYDE: “Sorry.”
HE doesn’t move his hand away.
DONNA: “Move your hand!”
HYDE moves his hand up and down her thigh. DONNA laughs and throws his hand away.

BARGAIN BOB’S

RED: “Now ma'am, I'm a friendly guy. And I wanna help you. But if you don't know how many amps you need, there's nothing I can do for you! Think lady!”
THE COSTUMER tries to get out of the store.
RED: “No, wait wait wait. BOB! BOB!”
BOB runs over to the frightened costumer and puts his arm over her shoulder.
BOB: “Hi there! I'm bargain Bob. Oh! I see you're looking at blenders. Now this one here?”
HE shows her the small blender.
BOB: “All wrong  for you. I'd say it's between these two. But this one?”
HE shows her the largest blender.
BOB: “Visualize yourself blending with this one. Huh? Oh, yeah. Ok, just take that over to the cashier, and have a beautiful day.”
THE COSTUMER walks away smiling, but she sees RED and she panics. SHE hurries away.
 
THE HUB

KELSO is playing pinball and HYDE is sitting with his head on a table.
FRANCK: “Number ten, your order is ready!”
KELSO: “Yeah, I’ll be right there!”
FRANCK: “Number ten, I have limited counter space. Please remove your hot dog.”
KELSO: “Alright!”
KELSO stops playing and goes to the counter.
KELSO: “I don't see why you can't just serve us our food, Frank. We are paying customers, you know."
FRANCK: “Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so that I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.”
KELSO: “You have both your legs, Frank.”
FRANCK: “Like I said. I did not lose a leg in Vietnam!”
DONNA walks in THE HUB.
DONNA: “Hey guys.”
SHE sits down with HYDE and KELSO.
HYDE: “Hey man, where’s Forman?”
DONNA: “I don’t know. He’s not with me.”
HYDE: “He's with that damn Buddy again. You know, he only hangs out with Buddy 'cause he's got a Trans AM."
DONNA: “So? You guys only hang out with Eric 'cause of the Vista Cruiser and the basement.”
HYDE: “We've been friends with Forman since he was a kid, man. Way before he had any of that stuff.”
KELSO: “That's right. Remember when he used to have that tree house and a go-kart?”
FRANCK comes over and point out HYDE.
FRANCK: “Hey. You. Buy something, or get out! I've got a big wedding coming in.”
HYDE: “Frank, you don't have a big wedding coming in!”
FRANCK: “Oh, did I say wedding? Because I meant to say, buy something, or get out!”
HE walks away.
HYDE: “Fine, I'll go someplace else then!”
HYDE gets up and starts walking to the door then, he stops and turns back to DONNA and KELSO.
HYDE: “Come on, let’s go!”
DONNA, with her mouth full of French fries: “Mhm!”
KELSO: “I'm not going anywhere, I just bought a hot dog!”
HYDE: “I’m outta here!”
HE leaves THE HUB. He stands for a while outside, shivering in the cold winter wind. HYDE comes back inside and goes to FRANCK’S counter.
FRANCK: “Hello, welcome to The Hub. May I help you?”
 
MONTAGE

ERIC and BUDDY play pinball. ERIC and BUDDY play basketball. ERIC and BUDDY buy stuff. ERIC and BUDDY do a chemistry experiment.

CINEPLEX’S PARKING LOT

BUDDY: “That was a great movie, huh?”
ERIC: “Yeah. I mean, who would’ve thought that working at a car wash could be so much fun?”
ERIC and BUDDY get in the car.
BUDDY: “So, what do you wanna do now?”
ERIC: “I don't know. Uh, Oh, ugh!”
BUDDY: “What?”
ERIC: “Nothing. I forgot to call Donna.”
BUDDY: “Oh, Donna. So, she's like, your girlfriend?”
ERIC: “ I don’t know, it’s, I don’t know.”
BUDDY: “Yeah, it's…it's ok to be confused, Eric.”
ERIC: “Yeah, you know, sometimes, I feel like…I don't know. Like, we're in a movie, right? And, um…I'm nervous around her. And I feel like I'm playing this part, right? But it's not me.”
BUDDY: “Mhmh.”
BUDDY leans over and kisses ERIC. ERIC realizes what’s happening and pushes him away.
ERIC: “Whoa, whoa, whoa…whoa.”
BUDDY: “What?”
ERIC: “You! You are…you, you're gay!”
BUDDY: “Me? No, I’m not gay.”
ERIC: “You're not? But you…you just kissed me!”
BUDDY: “Ok, I’m gay.”
ERIC: “Can you take me home now?”
 
THE CAR, LATER
 
ERIC: “Look, I’m not gay.”
BUDDY: “Yeah, yeah. Are you sure?”
ERIC: “Yes!”
BUDDY: “Because I just thought that…”
ERIC: “Well, why would you think that?”
BUDDY: “'Cause we've been spending so much time together…”
ERIC: “Because we're friends! I'm…I've been friends with Hyde for years and I never put the moves on him."
BUDDY: “I wouldn't blame you. That guy's a jerk.”
ERIC: “Yeah, well…yeah, but that's not the reason! It's because I'm not gay.”
BUDDY: “Right. I'm sorry for kissing you.”
ERIC: “That's ok. I mean, it's…let's just forget about it.”
BUDDY: “Do you wanna listen to the radio?”
HE moves his hand to the middle of the car.
ERIC: “Hey! I told you I wasn't gay!”

FORMAN LIVING ROOM - BARSIDE

RED: “I'm dead weight. I'm quitting, Kitty.”
He pours ice cubes from the blender and pours Whisky over it.
KITTY: “Well now, you can’t quit.”
RED: “Why not?”
KITTY: “Because if things keep going like this, Bob's gonna fire you! It's a joke, Red! Oh, I know! I know, let's do some role playing.”
RED: “What?”
KITTY: “Some role playing! I'll be the interested customer and you be the helpful salesman.”
RED: “Does this end up in the bedroom?”
KITTY: “We'll see. Ok! Here we go. My, that's a lovely blender!”
RED: “This is stupid.”
KITTY: “Red.”
RED: “Well, it's got stainless steel rotor blades so it can crush ice, which is why I keep it out here at the bar, and it has the highest wattage that you can get, without moving up to the industrial model, which would cost you twice as much.”
KITTY: “Well, now, see, we have had this blender all these years and I never knew that's why we bought it.”
RED: “You didn’t know? How could you not know that?”
KITTY: “Well, Red, everybody doesn't research every product before they buy it!”
RED: “Well, then they're dumbasses!”
KITTY: “That's right! And that's why they need you to tell them what to buy.”
RED: “Uhuh.”
KITTY: “Well, I think you are just tailor made for this job! Heck, I go in to buy something, all I know is what color I want.”
RED: “You’re one of them!”
KITTY: “Well, I think you should be nice to me, Red. Because I think I might be interested in purchasing a mattress.”
SHE turns and heads for the stairs.
RED: “Kitty, we don't even sell ma-oh!”
HE follows her.
 
THE BASEMENT

KELSO: “I miss Eric.”
JACKIE: “Well, you still have me.”
KELSO: “It's not the same Jackie! I can talk to Eric about things that…that I can't talk about with you.”
JACKIE: “Ok, well like what.”
KELSO: “Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.”
JACKIE shoves him and gets up.
JACKIE: “Michael!”
KELSO: “See, I can’t talk to you!”
ERIC walks in the basement.
DONNA: “Hey, Eric, how’s it…”
ERIC doesn’t let her finish. He pulls her to him and kisses her. Everybody is shocked.
ERIC: “So, what’s everyone looking at?”
ERIC pulls DONNA closer to him and she just stands there, confused.
HYDE: “What are we looking at? Man, we haven't seen you in days!”
ERIC: “Oh, what, Hyde, you had to walk all the way home from school again?”
KELSO: “That's not the only reason we're upset with you.”
HYDE: “It's my only reason.”
KELSO: “I thought you had another reason.”
HYDE: “No, that's pretty much it.”
DONNA: “Where’s Buddy?”
ERIC: “Oh, Buddy! Um. Well, Buddy got busy, so…”
JACKIE: “Yeah, I mean, I'm sure he has a lot to do. He is "popular."”
FEZ: “Yes and so obviously gay.”
ERIC looks uncomfortable.
JACKIE: “Buddy is not gay!”
KELSO: “Please, Fez. That's just stupid! If Buddy was gay he would have been all over me!”
ALL stare at him and are silent.
KELSO: “Well, he would've!”

FORMAN DRIVEWAY

JACKIE and KELSO are leaving.
DONNA: “See you guys later.”
HYDE: “So, Forman? Now that the scary kids are gone, is Buddy gay?”
ERIC: “Well, I don't think it's really my place to…”
DONNA and HYDE: “He’s gay!”
ERIC: “Ok, guys. Hypothetical situation. Crazy scenario, wouldn't happen, in, like, a million years, let's just, let's say, ok, that Buddy made a move on me.”
DONNA: “Eric, he's not gonna make a move on you if he knows you're straight.”
HYDE: “I don’t know, I mean, Forman is pretty irresistible.”
ERIC: “I don't think he'll make a move on me again.”
DONNA and HYDE: “Again?!”
ERIC: “Or for the first time? You know? I gotta go.”
ERIC gets in the house.
HYDE: “You know, Donna. If, Forman ever decides to dabble in the love that dare not speak it's name, I'm here for you."
DONNA laughs and takes off.
 
BARGAIN BOB’S

RED: “Well, you got your variable speed here, it's completely stainless steel throughout, so you know it will last forever, comes with everything you see, and um, so the only decision you'd have to make is what color do you want?”
COSTUMER 2: “Oh, I'll take white.”
RED: “Can’t go wrong there!”
COSTUMER 2: “Thank you so much. You know, you're the most helpful salesman I've ever had!”
RED: “Oh.Thank you. Well, you go ahead and look around, I'll write this up.”
HE runs to BOB.
RED: “I sold a Mix Master!”
BOB: “Oh, jeez, Red, that's great! Hey, what'd I tell you? Today's your day!”
RED picks up the phone and calls home.
RED: “Hello, Kitty? Guess who sold a Mix Master!”
 
SCHOOL PARKING LOT

ERIC: “Hey, Buddy! Um, I'm gonna need those chemistry notes back.”
BUDDY: “Oh, yeah. Listen, man, if you don't wanna be my lab partner anymore, then, I'll, I'll understand.”
ERIC: “No, no, oh, I didn't mean it like that. Um, look, we're still friends.”
BUDDY: “Really?”
ERIC: “Yeah. Actually, Buddy, um…I wanted to ask why, um…why, why me?”
BUDDY: “I don't know, man, it's probably, it's probably the same reason that Donna likes you, you know? You're smart and sensitive and…nice looking.”
ERIC: “Ok. Well, first of all, I'm not really that smart. Those notes I gave you? Copied. Ok? And as for sensitive, sometimes I can just be downright mean.”
BUDDY: “You're so cute!”
ERIC: “Well, that is…well, I guess I am!”
 
THE TAG

The tag is a montage of BOB and RED doing stuff with “Courtship of Eddie's Father Theme Song” as the background music.

First, RED and BOB eat sandwiches together. Then, they play around with the bubbles in the wrapping paper. And finally, they throw a piece of paper each in the trash can.


THE END