That '70s Show

 Episode 1.08 - DRIVE-IN

Original Airdate: 15-11-1998
Written by Mark Hudis - Directed by Terry Hugues
© Originally posted on http://twiztv.com.

[Please DO NOT post this transcript elsewhere without PERMISSION from the transcriptionist]



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FORMAN'S BASEMENT
Eric, Fez, Hyde and Kelso

ERIC, into phone: "Yep, that's right, one hundred bags of manua... yeah, the wife and I are redoing the front lawn....And tell you what... if I'm not there,  just dump it all on the front porch! Bye Bye."
He hangs up.
 HYDE: "Yeah man, Coach Jefferson is gonna freak!"
ERIC : "Yeah well, he just shouldn't 've gave me that D."
FEZ: "Oh no, Dick Tracy is trapped in a giant clam! Farewell sweet Dick!"
HYDE: "A man being eaten by a giant clam. Now, I'm not Sigmund Freud but..."
KELSO: "Eric, The Omen's playing in the drive-in! You know what this means for us?... It's make-out city!"
ERIC:  "I really like you as a friend Kelso... Can I bring a girl?"
KELSO: "Yeah! Man, it's gonna be great! Horror movies turn on chicks faster than porno!"
HYDE: "Really? Faster than that!"
KELSO: "Yeah, if only somebody would make a porno horror movie!"
ERIC: "Oh Yeah, oh then they'd be no stopping you!"
RED, comes down the stairs: "Eric, is that kid from ... not America down here?"
ERIC: "Dad it's Fez!"
RED: "Yeah, whatever, the Erdmans called and they - they want him to... Go Home! Kelso , stop saying porno!"
KELSO: "I didn't say it Mr. Forman, Fez did!"
FEZ: "You are a bitch!"




OPENING  CREDITS


FORMAN'S KITCHEN
Kitty and Red

KITTY comes in: "Okay, you know what this is Red ?"
RED: "Some lady magazine."
KITTY: "It's Cosmo!"
RED: "Oh my..."
KITTY: "I'm gonna tell you something Red. I just took the "How spontaneous is your relationship" quiz. And you know what?"
RED: "What?"
KITTY: "We got 3 out if 10! And I cheated."
RED: " Gee, I can't help but notice that you're pouting."
KITTY: "Oh no no, I'm not pouting. That would upset our routine. God knows I wouldn't wanna move in a new direction and accidentally slip in a puddle of fun or anything!"
RED: "Okay, here's a thought: how about you and I treat ourselves to a night out. Just the two of us."
KITTY: "Well that'd be great Red!"
RED: "We'll go to Phillies."
KITTY: " Phillies huh! So you'll have the Salisbury steak and I'll have the baked chicken again!"
RED: " Well maybe I won't have the Salisbury steak... I enjoy their ham!"
KITTY: "Oh, Ham! Well, okay, then I can change one answer on the quiz! So okay, we have four out of ten. We have moved up from ' Predictable as the tides' to 'Hum-drum'! I'll just go change!"
RED, sighs and picks up the magazine: "Damn Cosmo! Hou!"




ERDMAN'S LIVING ROOM
Mr and Mrs E. and Fez

Mr. E: "Son, when we took you in as an exchange student, you became our responsibility! An we're concerned about this gang of roughings (spe?) you hang out with."
FEZ: "They are my friends!"
Mr. E : "That's exactly what they want you to think! Now we're not inflexible, we looked the other way when you started wearing cologne! But now, you've brought the devil's music into our home!"
He holds up a KISS album.
FEZ: "Oh no that is not the devil's music, it is Eric's!"
Mr .E: "Rebecca, show the boy. Now listen to what happens when she plays it backwards."
She plays it backwards.
FEZ: "That cannot be good for the record!"
Mr. E: "There it is! Devil loved me, Devil lives! It's clear as day!"
Fez laughs.
Mr. E: "What's funny?"
FEZ: "In my language, the record just said : 'I want to sex your monkey!' Which I have never done!"




FORMAN'S KITCHEN
Donna and Eric

ERIC: "So Donna, I was thinking ... we should  go see a movie tonight."
DONNA: "Oh Cool, I'd love to see 'All the President's Men!'"
ERIC: "Oh! Well, I actually hear that isn't very good."
DONNA: "Oh."
ERIC: "Yeah. Hey, I was thinking- maybe The Omen."
DONNA: "Isn't that at the drive-in?"
ERIC: "Is  that at the? Yeah, no, I guess it is. So, do you wanna go?"
DONNA: "Tonight? Um. Yeah, sure!"




FORMAN'S PORCH       /        BASEMENT
Donna and Jackie          /        Eric and Kelso

JACKIE: "The Omen? That's at the drive-in!"
DONNA: "I know, I don't know what to do! I mean I really like Eric and I'd like to have a physical relationship but..."
JACKIE: "It's called make-out Donna! Say it!"
DONNA: "Alright, Make-out! But I don't want it to be public! I don't want it to be tacky! I don't want there to be pressure. And now it's become this tacky public pressure make-out thing!"
JACKIE: "I understand. Everybody wants their first make-out to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World!"
DONNA: "Disney World?"
JACKIE: "Right, sorry. So let's focus. He asked you to the drive in..."
Screen splits in two.
KELSO: "Donna said yes?"
JACKIE: "And you said yes."
ERIC and DONNA: "Yes."
KELSO: "Yes! Oh this is great! Me and Jackie will come with you!"
ERIC: "No!"
DONNA: "Will you come with us?"
JACKIE: "Why?"
KELSO: "Why not?"
ERIC: "You'd be like competition!"
DONNA: "You'd be like a loophole!"
KELSO: "Competition!"
At the same time:
JACKIE: "Loophole?"
ERIC: "Yeah, I'd have to keep up with you and Jackie and that would make me nervous..."
DONNA: "I can always talk to you if I get nervous 'cause you've gotta be bored with sex by now!"
JACKIE and KELSO at the same time: "What do you mean?"
At the same time:
ERIC: "You and Jackie have done it like a million times!"
DONNA: "You and Kelso have done it like a million times!"
KELSO: "True!"
JACKIE: "We have never done it!"
KELSO: "Yeah, slid into home on the second date!"
JACKIE: "We got to third base once and that was an accident!"
ERIC and DONNA: "Whatever."
JACKIE: "Don't worry, we'll be there!"
KELSO: "Fine, we won't come!"
At the same time:
DONNA: "Thanks!"
ERIC: "Perfect!"   


FORMAN'S LIVING ROOM
Red watching TV

Kitty comes down the stairs as Red shuts TV.

KITTY: "Okay now see, this dress says look at me, notice me, stare at me! It's all wrong!"
RED: "NO! You look terrific specially for dinner at the Lion's Head!"
KITTY: "No! It's no good I - What? The Lion's Head, I thought we were going to Phyllies!"
RED: "Well, I changed my mind!"
KITTY: "Well, you never do that! The Lion's Head! It is so fancy! They make the butter look like little flowers!"
RED: "Yeah, yeah, and it's different! I mean hey we haven't been there in years! It'll be fun, hum?!"
KITTY: "Oh! Oh! This is so exciting! Oh! Oh!" she kisses him on the head. "Okay now, if we are going to go to somewhere that fancy, I have to shave your neck! I'll get the clippers, you hop in the car."


BASEMENT
Eric, Hyde, Kelso, Fez

FEZ: "I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record!"
HYDE: "It's not the devil man! It's congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records man! They wanna kill rock n roll because they know it makes us horny man!"
ERIC: "Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?" He stuffs a whole Twinkie in his mouth.
KELSO: "Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!"
FEZ: "When you play the record backwards, you can hear the devil speak. I am starting to hear him everywhere! Ai!"
HYDE speaks incoherently in ghoulish voice. Camera pans over to ERIC, whom is staring at Fez with a weird look on his face. Camera pans back to HYDE.
HYDE: "Satan is your master Fez! Worship Satan!"
FEZ: "Ai!"
HYDE: "But before you worship Satan, get him a cherry pop! Get Satan a cherry pop! Get Satan a cherry pop! Pop man, get me a pop! Fez man! Get me a pop!"
FEZ: "Oh, I'm sorry I misunderstood!"
HYDE: "Satan said the choice is root beer!"
FEZ: "Ai!"


BLANAGAN'S aka LIONS HEAD
Red and Kitty

Clerk talks into microphone: "Warner party of two! Warner party of two!"
KITTY: "Red , what is this place?"
RED: "Excuse me, what happened to the Lions Head?
CLERK: "Burned down! Five dead! Real sad! Welcome to 'Blanagans' (spe?) may I take your name?"
RED: "I'll get back to you!"
Turns to Kitty and says : "Well, what do you think?"
KITTY: "Well, umm, it certainly is different!"
RED: "May not be so bad!"
OTHER CLERK shoves Red: "On your left sparky!"
KITTY: "The staff is certainly enthusiastic !"
RED: "I'm sure I can get us a nice quiet table."
STAFF: "Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! To you!"
RED: "I'll put our name in the list."
To clerk: "Foreman, party of two!"
CLERK: "Okey-dokey, that'll be about two hours."
RED: "Here's twenty bucks!"
CLERK: "Alright, we'll have something in about fifteen minutes!"
RED: "You don't want this place to burn down twice, do ya!"
CLERK: "Alright, we have something right now!"
RED, to clerk: "That's what I thought!"
To Kitty: "Well sweetheart, this is our lucky night! Oh", he turns to the clerk, "Would you check this?"
CLERK: "Sure. Looks real good!"


DRIVEWAY
Eric and Donna

ERIC: "Alright, let's go!"
DONNA: "Maybe I should go back to my house and pop some popcorn 'cause, they always overcharge… Jackie and Kelso, what are you guys doing here?"
JACKIE: "Nothing, what are you guys doing here?"
ERIC: "Donna and I are going to the drive-in… remember?"
JACKIE: "Thank you Eric, we'd love to go! Michael get in the car!"
KELSO: "But I don't…"
JACKIE: "Get in the car!"
ERIC: "Look, this isn't what we talked about at all!"
KELSO: "I'm sorry man! I'll take it slow, try to keep up! Wahoo! Going to the drive-in!"


 
BLANAGAN'S
Red and kitty

WAITER: "Hello, I'm Guy and I'll be your waiter. Would either of you like to help yourself to our Blanagantastic salad bar?"
KITTY: "What's a salad bar?"
WAITER: "Oh it's right over there! All the salad fixings and you make you own Blanagantastic salad!"
RED: "You mean my wife has to make her own salad?"
WAITER: "It'll be worth the trip!"
RED: "You're kidding, right?"
KITTY: "Red!"
RED: "No, no, no Kitty, it's okay.  Now  Guy, my wife didn't get all dressed up for a special night out so that she could make her own salad. See, she could do that at home. For free!"
WAITER: "But she wouldn't have eight Blanagantastic dressings to choose from at home! Would she?"
RED: " Are you being a wiseacker?"
KITTY: "Red, honey, honey, your neck vein! It's poking out!"
  WAITER: "Sir, I can't bring you your salad or I'll get in trouble!"
RED: "What the hell kinda restaurant is this? You got eight people singing happy birthday, and nobody can bring my wife a damn salad!"
KITTY: "Red, honey, neck vein, neck vein!"
RED: "Come on Kitty! Lets get outta here! Oh, screw your freaking birthday!"



DRIVE-IN (VISTACRUISER)
Donna and Eric in the front seat and Jackie and Kelso are making out in the back seat

DONNA: "God! This movie even sounds gross!"
ERIC: "That's not the movie!"
JACKIE pops up: "So, you guys okay up here?"
DONNA: "No! I want - popcorn and I want Eric and Kelso to go get it!"
KELSO: "Oh Eric can go get it!"
JACKIE: "No! Michael, go! Get out!"
Guys EXIT.
DONNA: "I didn't bring you here to suck Kelso's face off!"
JACKIE: "I know. I'm sorry."
DONNA: "This is so awkward!"
JACKIE: "You're right and I wasn't being a very good friend! No more making-out! I promise!"
KELSO: "Alright, about the popcorn, I need money!"
DONNA: "What? I don't want popcorn! Get back in the car!"
KELSO: "She doesn't know what she wants!"
JACKIE: "No, Michael, Michael, no, we are gonna watch the movie with Eric and Donna!"
KELSO: "But I missed the beginning!"
ERIC: "Okay, the little kid's the Devil, they have to kill him. Watch the movie!"
Screen: "Look at this Damien, it's all for you!" Screams
The Girls scream and fall aside, Donna landing, more or less on Eric. Kelso gives Eric a thumbs up. Jackie grabs Michael's face and pulls him down with her.
ERIC: "Donna, it's just a movie!"
ERIC: "Do you wanna sit somewhere else?"
DONNA: "So bad!"




PHILLIES
Red and Kitty

KITTY: "So. Here we are. Back at Phillies."
RED: "Yep, good old Phillies , good food at a fair price!"
KITTY: "You're ordering the Salsberry steak, aren't you?"
RED: "Nope, I'm going for the ham!"
KITTY: "Red, don't put your hat on the counter, it's all greasy!"
RED: "Hey pal, can I get some half and half?"
KITTY: "Well, isn't this familiar…"



BASEMENT
Fez and Hyde

HYDE: "Okay, now this is how we sneak the devil music past Ozzie and Harriet. Observe! Alice Cooper, meet Pat Boon. Don't resist me Pat Boon! No, you're hurting me! Come on take it! O it hurts! Come on! No! Ahh!"
Fez: "But what if my host  parents hear it?"
Hyde: "Then Satan commands us to kill them Fez!"
Fez: "Nooo."
Hyde: " I'll tell you what, we'll use the headphones!"
Fez: "Yes!"


RED'S CAR
Red and Kitty

RED: "Kitty, I'm sorry about tonight."
KITTY: "Oh it's not your fault Red! You know how emotional I get when I read Cosmo!"
RED: "Boy, do I!"
KITTY: "You know - Okay, at least we gave it a try! I guess we have slowed down, flattened out, oh, at our age, it's inevitable!"
RED: "Okay, that's it!"
KITTY: "Red, Oh My Lord! You're flashing back to Water Canal, aren't you?"
RED: "Hold on Kitty! The night's not over!"


DRIVE-IN
Donna and Eric are on the hood of the car

ERIC: "You know the stars are really…Just forget it!"
DONNA: "What?"
ERIC: "Nothing."
Car rocks!
ERIC: "Well, Jackie and Kelso have certainly made themselves comfortable!"
DONNA: "Yeah, it's a roomy car!"
ERIC: "Yeah it is, you know the bench seat of  the VistaCruiser…"
They start kissing.
ERIC: "It's what it says in the full-body catalogue."
DONNA: "Wow, that's interesting!"
They kiss again. Eric rolls over and Donna falls off the car.
Car horns and snickers: "Smooth move Forman!"
Eric leaps on Donna and they fall, kissing on the ground…



RED'S CAR
Steamed-up windows

A hand hits the window and falls slowly down as a police officer hits the window with his flashlight.
COP: "Okay kids, break it up! Let's go!" he says, shining the flashlight on them. "Wow, hey, you're adults!"
RED: "Damn right we're adults."
COP: "I'm sorry sir. My mistake."
RED: "That's quite alright, we all make mistakes. Now, why don't you go bust some pot-smoking teenagers before I give you a good adult-size kick in the ass!"
COP: "Yes sir, thank you sir! Enjoy your evening!"
KITTY: "Oh Red, that was so sweet, you let him off with a warning!"
RED: "Yeah, but you're not getting off that easy!"
KITTY: "Oh Red!"


ERDMANS LIVING ROOM
Fez and Hyde listening to music
Fez is mumbling along with a rock song.

Mrs. E. comes in.
HYDE: "Raindrops keep falling on my head…."
Keeps singing this song.
Mrs. E goes out. Fez gets back to his song.
FEZ: "This loud music will not damage my hearing?"
HYDE: "No, it's good for ya!"


FORMANS LIVING ROOM
Red, sitting in the dark, smoking. Eric comes in.

ERIC: "Hey dad!"
RED: "Hey son! How was the movie?"
ERIC: "Pretty gory!"
RED: "Yeah, how did it end?"
ERIC: "I don't remember."
RED: "Atta boy."
ERIC: "So, how was your night?"
RED: "It was  fantastic!"
ERIC: "Well, that's great! Goodnight dad!"
RED: "'Night son! Oh, and be quiet going upstairs. Your mother is very tired."

THE END