That '70s Show

 Episode 1.01 - THAT '70s PILOT

Original Airdate: 23-08-1998
Written by Bonnie & Terry Turner - Directed by Terry Hugues
© Originally posted on http://twiztv.com.

[Please DO NOT post this transcript elsewhere without PERMISSION from the transcriptionist]



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FORMAN BASEMENT

HYDE: "Eric, it is time!"
ERIC: "Why don't you do it?"
HYDE: "It's your house."
KELSO repeting what Hyde says: "House."
HYDE: "Listen to them up there. The party has reached critical mass... in 10 minutes there will be no more beer opportunities!"
ERIC: "If my dad catches me coping beers, he'll kill me!"
HYDE: "I'm willing to take that risk!"
KELSO: "Don't worry about it, just remain calm, keep moving..." (interrupted)
DONNA: "And above all, don't get sucked into my dad's hair!"
ERIC: "What's wrong with your dad's hair?"
DONNA: "Just don't look at it..."
HYDE takes Eric's face in his hands : "And Eric, cold, definitely cold."
ERIC nods and goes up the stairs.


KITCHEN AND LIVING ROOM


KITTY, singing while taking out a platter with food out of the oven: "Young and beautiful, someday your looks will be gone... "
She goes out of the kitchen : "Watch it Eric, hot pizza rolls... Coming throught, hot hot!"
VOICE (O.S): "Kitty, where are you?"
KITTY: "Okay, take two, there's plenty, there's plenty coming! Is everybody good? I know, I know, the end of saussages are so versatile!"
ERIC take two beers and finds BOB Pinciotti in front of him.
BOB: "Hi there Eric!"
ERIC: "Mr. Pinciotti!"
MIDGE: "So, Eric, how do yo like Bob's new hair? Isn't it groovy?"
ERIC, looking at Midge's chest: "It's incredibly groovy Mrs Pinciotti!"
BOB: "Oh yeah, it was Midge's idea!"
MIDGE: "It's a perm!"

BARSIDE

RED: "Eric!"
ERIC: "Hi dad!"
RED: "What the hell happened to Bob's hair?"
ERIC: "Beats me!"
RED: " His head looks like a poodle's ass! Boy, just when you think you've seen everything..."
ERIC, coping the beers: "A poodle's ass walks into your party!"
RED: "Eric, no using the ass word, you're still in high school!"
ERIC: "Yes Sir!"
KITTY: "Okay, pigs in a blanket! Hot hot!"
MIDGE: "Kitty is that your Toyota in the drive?"
BOB: "Red, a Toyota?"
RED: "Yeah, it's mine! I tell you, the last time I was that close to a japanese machine, it was shooting at me!"
KITTY: "Well honey, it is the gaz crisis, what can you do?"
RED: "And you know Bob, thos SOBs at the dealership offered me a lousy 400 dollar trade-in on the VistaCruiser!"
BOB: "Yeah, watcha gonna do?"
RED: "It' ll rust in the driveway before I trade it in!"
KITTY: "Honey, it is rusting in the driveway!"
ERIC: "Hey pa, I'll take the Cruiser off your hands. I don't care if it's a pump-sucker!"
RED: "Whatcha got there Eric?"
ERIC: "Beer! I found it, just sitting, you know, around."
RED: "Well, put'em away son!"
ERIC: "Why, I intend to sir!"
KITTY: "Oh, honey, honey, on your way to the basement, could you pop these in the fridge? They're warm!"

BASEMENT


HYDE is looking at a nudie mag.
HYDE: "Check it out!"
DONNA pops in from behind.
DONNA: "I see that everyday!"
Eric comes down the stairs, holding four cans of beer.
HYDE: "He's alive!"
ERIC: "Good news! My dad is thinking of giving me... the VistaCruiser!"
KELSO: "You're getting a car?"
DONNA: "Oh!  Have I told you how incredibly attractive you are Eric?"
ERIC: "No."
KELSO: "You told me he was cute!"
DONNA: "No, I didn't!"
KELSO: "I remember it 'cause you said not to say anything in front of Eric."
HYDE: "Let's focus on what's important here people! Forman stole something! To Forman!"
ALL: "To Forman!"
ERIC: "You know what's sad? This is the proudest day of my life!"
Hyde hugs him.


                                
                                                OPENING CREDITS


BASEMENT


ERIC: "Well Marcia, a football in the face, that's gotta hurt!"
DONNA: "Ouch my nose!"
ERIC: "That's gonna be huge in the morning!"
DONNA: "Huger than my boobs?"
ERIC: "Well, bigger than the left one!"
JACKIE: "Why are we watching this without the sound? I am totally confused!"
ERIC: "Here, use the earphone."
KELSO: "So, what's the deal with the VistaCruiser?"
ERIC: "The deal is there is no deal yet!"
JACKIE: "SHH!"
KELSO: "How are we gonna get to the concert?"
DONNA: "Shut-up!"
JACKIE: "What concert?"
KELSO: "Todd Rundgren."
JACKIE: "When?"
KELSO: "This weekend."
JACKIE: "OH...Who's going?"
KELSO: "Uh... Eric and Donna and me and Hyde and the foreign kid Fez...pretty much everybody..." he pauses "And you!"
Jackie: "Oh, good, good good good! Thank you for telling me Michael!"
ERIC: "Okay, well, I'm gonna get sodas!"
KELSO: "Yup, me too!"
DONNA gets up and pushes him: "Sit down!"
Donna and Eric exit.
JACKIE: "You don't want me to go to the concert! Is that it?"
KELSO: "I didn't know if you liked ... music!"
JACKIE: "Michael!"
KELSO: "I didn't invite you to the concert because I know you really don't like my friends!"
JACKIE: "Did you tell them that?"
KELSO: "No!"
JACKIE: "Michael, don't tell our private conversations to other people Michael! We have to be private conversations!"
KELSO: "Also, I didn't think you'de be interested in Todd Rundgren. I mean, like you said, he's no Framtic."
JACKIE: "I love Todd Rungerment. I have the 45 of  'Hello it's me!' Remember the night we listened to it? We can have fun at the concert. Especially in the car on the way back."
KELSO: "Okay, you can go!"
JACKIE: " Only if you want me to!"
KELSO: "Oh, I want you to!"
Eric and Donna come down the stairs.
ERIC: "Jackie! I guess you're going to the concert with us."
JACKIE: "Uhuh. I can't wait. So Michael, you wanna go back to my house and listen to Todd Rognion records?"
KELSO: "Yeah, sure."
They run up the stairs.
ERIC : "You kids have fun! Bye!"
DONNA: "Bye bye now! They're so darn cute and when you turn your back they go at it like ducks!"
ERIC: "Oh, they're frisky!"
DONNA: "Can't leave them alone!"
ERIC: "No! You know, my sister thinks that we shouldn't be left alone."
DONNA: "Us?"
ERIC: "Yes.." mumbles and kinda shruggs it off. BIG tension in the air.
DONNA: "We're alone now."
ERIC: "Well, yeah."
DONNA: "Eric, relax. We've lived next door to each other forever. You could've had me when I was four!"
ERIC: "Really, and there I was all day on the hipitihop! Stupid stupid stupid..." hits his head on the wall.
Donna pushes his head to the wall Eric continues: "Stupid."


DRIVEWAY


ERIC: "Ever since yesterday, I can't stop thinking about you. I mean, I've known you practically my whole life. I want you! I want you so bad!"
DONNA: "Eric, it's a car!"
KELSO: "Let's just leave these two kids alone."
DONNA: "Yeah."
Enters BOB.
BOB: "Hey! Hey there Donna!"
DONNA: "Hey Dad."
Both guys are staring at Bob's perm.
BOB: "Ah you kids, standing around the driveway. It's so darn cute! You know, you may not realize it, but this is the most fun you're ever gonna have."
ERIC: "So it's all downhill from here sir?"
BOB: "Yeah!"
Leaves.
KELSO: "What happened to your dad's hair?"
DONNA: "He got a permanent."
KELSO: "So, that's permanent?"


HUB


FEZ: "I may not say this right because I am new to english, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?"
JACKIE: "Michael, who is this guy?"
KELSO: "Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student."
JACKIE: "What do we exchange for him?" She gets up. "Donna, I have to go to the ladies room." pauses, "DONNA!"
They exit.
FEZ: "I too must go to the bathroom. Eric."
ERIC: "Oh it, doesn't work that way with guys."
HYDE: "Kelso, how much longer are we gonna have to deal with the whole 'Jackie' experience?"
KELSO: "Don't worry, breaking up with her."
HYDE: "Never gonna happen."
KELSO: "It's over. She's cutting into my free time."


BASEMENT



HYDE: "So is Red still thinking about giving you the car maybe?"
KELSO: "Even if we do get it, we're gonna need some serious gaz money 'cause the Crusier's a boat!"
ERIC: "I know it's a boat. This whole gaz shortage bites!"
FEZ: "Who's getting a boat?"
HYDE: "There is no gaz shortage man! It's all fake. The oil companies control everything! Like there's this guy who invented this car that runs on water man! It's got fiber glass air cooled engine and it runs on water!"
FEZ: "So it is a boat."
HYDE: "No, it's a car. Only you put water in the gaz tank instead of gaz. And it runs on water man!"
KELSO: "I never heard of this car. Hey, Jackie's good for gaz money!"
ERIC: "You are such a whore!"
FEZ: "When does the boat get here, whore?"
Guys laugh.
Voice from upstairs-> RED: "Eric!"
ERIC: "Yeah dad?"
RED: "I need to talk to you!"


KITCHEN


RED: "Eric, your mother and I have been talking. Since I've been cut down to part time at the plant, and the hospital is so close, I can take the Toyota to work and your mom can take the bus."
KITTY: "Honey, honey really, I'd rather walk. When I ride the bus in my nurse's uniform, people always show me their scars."
RED: "Then I'll drop you off on my way to the plant."
KITTY: "No, no, I don't wanna be any trouble."
RED: "Then Eric'll do it."
KITTY: "Oh honey, he's a teenager, he doesn't wanna drive..."
RED: "Well, if  he can't drop his own mother off at work,well, then,  I'll be damned if he's getting the car ."
KITTY: "Okay."
ERIC: "Excuse me. Am I getting the car?"
RED: "We didn't say that. Things don't just drop into your lap Eric. Not in this life."
KITTY: "Car is a responsibility."
RED: "You'll need insurance. You have any idea how much insurance is?"
KITTY: "Car is a privilege."
RED: "Oil changes, road flares, fluids, that's your job!"
KITTY: "A car is not a bedroom on wheels."
RED: "Always yield! Always!"
KITTY: "Laurie's friend got pregnant in a car. Don't let that happen."
RED: "If I find one beer can in that car, it's over!"
KITTY: "And no donuts either! Ants!"
ERIC: "So, do I get the car? "
Car keys fly and Eric catches them.
ERIC: "Bitchin!"
RED: "Eric, not in front of your mother!"
ERIC: "Thank you pa, sir."
RED: " Yeah, well, clean the attic!"


DRIVEWAY


Kelso opens the passenger side door.
DONNA: "Kelso that's sweet!"
KELSO: "Actually, I'm riding shotgun."
DONNA: "No you're not."
KELSO: "Well, I'm not riding in the back."
DONNA: "Why don't we let Eric decide."
KELSO: "Eric."
ERIC: "Kelso."He pauses. Michael isq about to get in the back. "Get in the back!"
RED: "Taking her for a spin eh?"
ERIC: "Yes sir!"
RED: "Well, have a good time. Oh, one more thing, very important, about the car. She's old. So no trips out of town, ever. Understood? Well, have fun!"
Goes in the house.
ERIC: "Well, I guess that's that. We're not going."
DONNA: "Eric, do you wanna go?"
ERIC: "He said no trips out of town."
DONNA: "It's your car. Do you wanna go?"
ERIC: "But he's God!"
KELSO: "I think God would want us to go to Milwaukee."
DONNA: "Eric, you are a seventeen year-old man. Gonna go with whatever you say. It's your decision."
ERIC: "It is my decision. And my decision is we're going to a concert."
KELSO: "Yeah!"


LIVING ROOM


KITTY: "Huh. The kids are off. Wonder where they're going."
RED: "Out of town."
KITTY: "Are you sure?"
RED: "Of course, I told 'em not to."
KITTY: "So, I'll guess they'll be gone for a while."
RED: "Yeah. Let's go!"

 
GARAGE


KELSO: "I'm telling you, we're outta gaz."
ERIC: "We're not out of gaz!"
MECHANIC: "It's the battery. It's 6 years old and shot to hell."
JACKIE: "I know what. I'll just call my dad."
ERIC: "Kelso, tell her!"
KELSO: "He can't take the car out of town."
JACKIE: "I'm not calling his dad."
HYDE, with a Jackie intonation: "Jackie, parents talk to each other about how we, screw up."
JACKIE: "Why would they talk about that?"
ERIC: "They can't help it. Look, say there's a party see. And all of our parents are ther together."

FANTASY: LIVING ROOM

MR. B: "Hi Red, say isn't it great all our kids are such good friends?"
BOB: "Yes, Jackie's dad. They're quite the gang of young people! Hahaha!"
MIDGE: "Kitty, I love what you've done with the kitchen!"
KITTY: "Yes, aqua and yellow. Blah blah blah, yak, yak , yak."
MR. B: "Speaking of kids, wasn't it lucky Triple A pulled Eric's butt out of the fire when he took the car to Milwaukee without your permission?"
RED: "What? Why, that twisted little monkey! I'm grounding him for ten years!"
MR.B: "Kids, what are you gonnna do?"
RED: "I say we torture them with plenty of pointless rules and advice!"
MIDGE: "Hey everybody, let's hussle!"


GARAGE


JACKIE: "Okay guys, we are in the middle of nowhere. And I have to go to the ladies room. Donna!"
MECHANIC: "So, where you going?"
HYDE: "Rundgren concert."
MECHANIC: "Cool. So, what you want a battery? 'Cause I can get you a battery."
ERIC: "Are they cheap, or possibly free?"
MECHANIC: "Thirty-two bucks, minimum."
KELSO: "Alright, I'll tell you what. We'll trade you our battery plus five bucks for one of your batteries."
MECHANIC: "Wel, that's a really sweet deal my friend, but how about this: how about one batteryfor two concert tickets."
KELSO: "No, we can't give up two tickets."
MECHANIC: "Okay."
He exits.
ERIC: "Hey, its either that or none of us go."
KELSO: "So, who's out?"
HYDE: "Well, there's always Jackie."
KELSO: "Of course Jackie. I mean Jackie's gone! But who else?"
ERIC: "Well I don't know... Jackie's date?"
KELSO: "Come on! You know I'm breaking up with her! You guys are chopping me out!"
ERIC: "I've had to listen to her for a good hour."
FEZ: "A really long hour!"
KELSO: "God hates me" He gives the guys the tickets.
FEZ: "How can you say God hates you. At least you have a woman's love. Be happy, whore!"


CONCERT


FEZ: "Hey guys, Randy's date is a man!"
DONNA: "I'm okay with it!"
ERIC: "You're so cool to be okay with it!"
RANDY (Mechanic): "I have to go to the bathroom. Kevin!"
ERIC: "I'll explain later!"


PARKING LOT: INSIDE THE VISTACRUISER


JACKIE pops out: "This isn't working."
KELSO, pops out too: "No, it's a boyscout belt. The buckle's got a thing..."
JACKIE: "Michael, before you speak please hear my words. I think we should break up."
KELSO: "Now?"
JACKIE: "You're not having a good time."
KELSO: "I'm having a good time."
JACKIE: "Really?"
KELSO: "Yeah!"
JACKIE: "Oh Michael, I am so glad you don't wanna break up. You're so nice to give your ticket away so you could be with me."
KELSO: "Well, yeah!"
JACKIE: "That says you don't need music, concerts, friends. You know what you need Michael."
KELSO: "Uh, no!"
JACKIE: "Me, me, me: M E Michael!"
KELSO: "Yeah, I guess!"
JACKIE: "You're just too shy to say that, Lover."
They both lay down again.
JACKIE: "So, when were you a boy scout?"


FORMAN DRIVE WAY
(In the back is 'Hello it's me' by Todd Rundgren)


ERIC: "What a great night! It's amazing what one act of civil disobedience can do for you. I mean there's a whole world that's waiting to be driven to! We could go to Canada! We got a new battery, what's stopping us?"
DONNA: "You know, I think Canada closes at nine-thirty."
ERIC: "You know, I never would've done this if you hadn't talked me into it."
DONNA: "I didn't talk you into anything. Well, I'm gonna call it a day. Goodnight!"
ERIC: " 'Night!"
Donna exits. Eric closes his eyes. Donna comes back.
DONNA: "By the way, thanks for the ride."
Eric looks at her and she kisses him. Eric sits up.
ERIC: "What was that for?"
DONNA: "I just wanted to see what it was like."
ERIC: "What was it like?"
DONNA: "You were there!"
ERIC: "I wasn't ready for it!"
DONNA: "What would you've done differently?"
ERIC: "I don't know, something with my lips."
DONNA: "Sounds good. Let's try that next time."
ERIC: "When exactly is next time?"
DONNA: "Goodnight."
ERIC: "Yeah, I'm really gonna sleep after that!"

THE END