"SPIN CITY" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by Ubu Productions and Lottery Hill Entertainment in association with DreamWorks SKG. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission,
approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution
or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly
prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
==========================
Scene: Hallway
(Mike enters)
Carter: Hey Mike, how did it go in Paris with Caitlin?
Mike: Best day of my life. I fly in at the 11th hour, tell her I love her- she calls off the wedding.
Carter: I can’t believe you flew to Paris!
Mike: Pretty reasonable actually, airline tickets $500, hotel suite $250, stealing someone’s fiancé? Priceless. (pause) Noone knows about this, right?
Carter: I told you I’d cover for you, and I covered for you.
James: Hey Mike, how was your tour of that prison upstate?
Mike: Carter... ah, Carter told you about that, huh?
Paul: (entering) Michael! Welcome home! How was your aunt’s birthday in Texas?
Carter: (to Mike) It’s boring to tell the same story over and over...)
James: I thought you were visiting a prison upstate?
Mike: I... I was. With my aunt. In... upstate Texas. We, ah, had a hot meal, worked out in the yard, then we took a picture of her in the electric chair.
Mayor: (entering) Oh! Welcome back Mike! How was the Dude Ranch?
Mike: OK, here we go. Took aunt to prison, cow breakout, gave chase, bloodhounds led us to Dude Ranch. That’s all I did on my day off, right Carter?
Nikki: (entering) Hey mike! How was Paris with Caitlin?
Carter: Couldn’t top the Dude Ranch.
OPENING CREDITS
Scene: Mike’s office
Mike: OK first item. The mayor awarded 1st prize at the Westminster dog show yesterday- the winning poodle was so grateful he made mad love to the Mayor’s shin.
Carter: So the problem is there’s a picture of a poodle humping the Mayor’s leg?
Mike: No, the bad news is there’s video of the Mayor punting the poodle into the cheap seats.
James: The poor dog.
Mike: Come on, he knew the risks. You don’t see any of us running around humping people’s legs... with the obvious exception of Stuart.
Stuart: The subways get crowded- I’m just an opportunist.
Mike: Anyway to make amends to the animal lovers, Carter, you’re going to supervise the Mayor in a promo shoot for the ASPCA
(Caitlin enters)
Caitlin: Oh hey Mike! How was cub scout camp?
Mike: OK, first of all we agreed it was extreme survival camp. And second of all they already know. OK everyone, listen up, I’m going to say this only once. Caitlin and I are a couple now. But that doesn’t change anything around here- it’s business as usual.
(everyone nods)
Mike: OK, now Caitlin, I read your fundraising proposal, and I have to say I like it.
(Everyone else ‘ah’s)
Caitlin: I’d really love it if you could give me some feedback later.
(Everyone else ‘ooh’s)
Mike: Alright, if I hear one more ooh or aah, it will be closely followed by an ow. (pause) Alright now, everyone out.
(They exit)
Caitlin: That went well.
Mike: Yeah I thought so- I mean I’m glad that everyone knows we’re together.
Caitlin: Why?
Mike: Well because... you’re smokin’...….and smart and stuff.
(They kiss)
Caitlin: Well I am really glad everyone knows we’re dating- the key is to keep things professional.
Mike: Just establish the, ah, appropriate boundaries.
Caitlin: Yeah.... Yeah. For example, if I were to put my hand here...(she puts her hand on his elbow)
Mike: That’s be appropriate.
Caitlin: And if I was to slide my hand here...(she slides her hand up to his shoulder)... what would that be?
Mike: Well first of all let me say how much I enjoyed the slide.
Caitlin: But- still appropriate?
Mike: Oh absolutely. Now, however, if my hands were to find their way here... (he places them on her bum)
Caitlin: That would raise some eyebrows. But then if my hands were to find their way here... (she moves her hands to his bum)
Mike: That would raise a little more than eyebrows.
Caitlin: Wow... somebody’s been working out!
Mike: It’s all natural baby.
Caitlin: You can stop flexing now.
Mike: Oh thank god.
Scene: Mayor’s office
(He is sitting at his desk, getting read for the shoot)
Mayor: I don’t know why they’re making me shoot this stupid commercial.
Carter: You punted a dog 20 yards.
Mayor: Carter, please, it was at least 50. I caught that sucker right on the laces.
Director: Ok, we’re ready here, where is Rags?
Carter: He’s in his trailer- I’ll get him. (Carter lifts a fancy box with Rags written on the side onto the Mayor’s desk)
Director: We were told Rags was a dog.
(Carter hand the dog to the Mayor)
Director: And... action.
Mayor: Hi, I’m Randall Winston, (He has Rags tucked under his arm, and only Rags’ behind can be seen) and my little friend here-
Carter: Sir- sir, he’s kinda facing the wrong direction.
Mayor: If you say so. (He turns Rags around) Hi I’m Randall Winston-
Director: Can you turn him around the other way?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Scene: Mike’s office
(Caitlin Enters)
Caitlin: Hi.
Mike: Can I help you?
Caitlin: Oh, I don’t think so. I’m looking for the incredibly handsome guy who flew to Paris and swept me off my feet.
Mike: He had to pop out for a minute. Would you like me to take a message?
Caitlin: Yeah, tell him this. (She kisses him)
Mike: I’m sorry I missed that last bit. You want to give me that again, a little more slowly?
Caitlin: (Sits down on the couch and kisses him again) Oh there is so much I want us to do together.
Mike: Like have sex.
Caitlin: Like this summer we could get a house at the shore.
Mike: Mmm... beach sex.
Caitlin: And at Christmas we could go to Vermont, meet my family.... Everyone gets together, there’s egg-nog and sleigh rides...
Mike: Holiday sex...
Caitlin: I am beginning to think you have a one-track mind.
Mike: Frankly, that offends me. I think we should sit her and discuss this like two mature... naked adults.
Caitlin: Mike, I’m serious. I don’t want this relationship to just be physical.
Mike: Caitlin, I love you! I can’t believe you’re saying this- Paris was the most romantic weekend of my life- we didn’t even have sex.
Caitlin: I’m sorry, I guess I just know that you have a history of being not... un-shallow.
Mike: Did... did you just call me shallow?
Caitlin: I said you’re not un-shallow.
Mike: I’m going to show you just how not un-wrong you are! I’m going to go one week without having sex with you... sorry to have to do that to you, but-
Caitlin: Mike- you’re over-reacting.
Mike: No no no, I don’t there to be any doubt as to where my heart. So for the next 7 days, the, ah, the kitchen is closed.
Caitlin: Mike, you don’t have to do this-
Mike: What’s that I hear? Someone’s stomach growling? Someone looking for a little snack? A little PB and Mike, a bowl of Mike flakes? Spaghetti and Mike-balls? Not happening baby.
Caitlin: (As she leaves) I guess I’ll just get my meals somewhere else.
Mike: Damn right you will. Wait a minute- what does that mean?
Scene: Janelle’s desk
(The Mayor walks up behind her with Rags under his arm)
Janelle: Ooh I hate that smell!
Mayor: Yeah I know, it’s the dog.
Janelle: Rags is wearing your perfume?
Mayor: You know Carter talked me into carrying him around all week. It’s driving me crazy. You know he doesn’t rescue children, solve crimes or do any of the things that most dogs do. He just sits there staring at me... with those big brown eyes.... He seems to know what I’m thinking, and yet he doesn’t pass judgement.
Janelle: Sir-
Mayor: You know I haven’t felt this love since nanny number 7.
Janelle: Sir, it’s three o’clock- you have a meeting with the appropriations committee.
Mayor: Well reschedule it. I’m going to be tied up all afternoon with councilman cuddly-wuddly.
Scene: Outside Mike’s office
(Mike comes out of his office)
Caitlin: Are you still playing hard to get?
Mike: Playing? This is no game missy.
Caitlin: Well that’s too bad because I was thinking we could go back to your house and I could give you a sponge bath.
(Stuart is behind them- listening to their conversation)
Mike: I was thinking we could go to the library and discuss our favourite books.
Caitlin: I want you to spank me.
(Stuart gasps)
Mike: I want to meet your parents.
Caitlin: I want to tie you up and smear you with honey.
(Stuart can’t believe what he is hearing)
Mike: I want to take you to the park.... and...make you a picnic.
Caitlin: You’re going down.
Mike: Not for another six days.
(Caitlin exits)
Stuart: (To Mike) You make me sick.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Scene: Mike’s apartment
(He enters with a shopping bag)
(Caitlin appears)
Mike: Caitlin- what are you doing here?
Caitlin: My shower’s broken so I thought I’d use yours. I am so... dirty.
Mike: Well, you’re in luck. I just bought soap. (He tosses it to her)
Caitlin: But Mike, I wanted to have fun in the shower. You’re never going to make it six days.
Mike: Already made it five.
Caitlin: It’s only been one.
Mike: You’ve got to be kidding me!
DAY 2 (text at bottom of screen)
Mike opens his cupboard door- there is a note inside which reads ‘I want you- C.’ He closes the door, then Caitlin appears and opens the same cupboard door. The note now reads ‘I respect you- M’
DAY 3
Caitlin is sprinkling petals on the bed. Mike appears with a vacuum cleaner.
DAY 4
Mike is drinking beer and watching television. Caitlin stands in front of him and unties her robe, Mike just looks around her at the television.
DAY 5
They are in the bed together. Caitlin pushes down one of the straps on her nightgown- Mike absently pushes it up as he reads a book.
DAY 6
Caitlin pushes open the shower curtain to reveal Mike, who is showering in a wetsuit.
Scene: Mike’s office.
(He is sanding his office floor)
(Stuart enters)
Stuart: Hey Mike, what are you doing?
Mike: Well I was thinking I might drive in for my morning swim, then I thought I might shampoo the carpets. Then I pulled back the rug and what do you know? I have hard wood floors! I have hard wood!
Stuart: Mike, you can’t channel all your pent-up sexual energy into new floors and- did you put in bay windows?
Mike: I’ve just got to get through the next ten hours.
Stuart: Look, if you’re not going to have sex with her- at least a little pressure.
Mike: Gotcha.
Stuart: You know, take matters into your own hands...
Mike: No Stuart, I’m going old-school on this.
Stuart: Mike, we don’t need any heroes!
Mike: I’m going to be fine. Caitlin thinks she’s getting to me, but she’s not.
(Nikki enters)
Mike: Nikki, for the love of god, can you put some clothes on?
Nikki: (To Stuart) Did you talk to him?
Stuart: He’s going old-school.
(James enters)
James: Hey Mike, Caitlin called. The furnace is broken so there won’t be any hot water today.
Mike: Like hell there won’t. (He starts leaving) Hey for crying out loud James, put some clothes on!
Nikki: He’s going old-school.....
Scene: Mayor’s office
Mayor: (reading a story to Rags) And then the big dog huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down!
(Carter enters)
Carter: OK sir, I thinked we’ve milked the dog thing for all we can get. I hope keeping him with you hasn’t been too much trouble.
Mayor: Oh no, not at all. It gave me and Prescott a chance to bond.
Carter: Sir, his name is Rags.
Mayor: Yes, and quite honestly he never liked that name.
Carter: So you were having a conversation, aye? What else did ‘Prescott’ say?
Mayor: (He acts like he is consulting Rags, then turns to face Carter) He doesn’t want to be your dog any more.
Carter: OK sir, I lent him for a few days, and now I’m going to take him back.
(The Mayor picks up Rags)
Mayor: Prescott and I never talked. But this week he and I have developed a very, very special bond. You have no idea what that’s like.
Carter: Are you kidding? Rags is like an older brother to me. Besides, you said you weren’t a dog person.
Mayor: Shh... I was wrong (said to Rags).... And about my guns for knives programme.
(Carter moves to pick up Rags)
Mayor: Carter- please at least let me spend the evening with him to say goodbye!
Carter: Alright, alright. But I’ll be back for him first thing in the morning.
Mayor: Thankyou, you won’t regret it. OK Prescott- if you want to go back with Carter, move.
(Rags is motionless)
Mayor: I thought so!
Scene: Furnace
(Mike enters)
Mike: Hello, anybody here?
(Caitlin slams the door shut- she has been waiting in here)
Caitlin: Just you and me.
Mike: I take it there’s nothing wrong with the furnace.
Caitlin: (loosening her jacket) Ooh feels pretty hot in here to me.
Mike: (making for the door) That – that’s a nice try, Caitlin.
(The door is locked - Caitlin dangles the key.)
Mike: Oh, I get it. You think all you have to do is lock me in a confined space and I’ll crack.
Caitlin: Stuart told me about your boiler-room fantasy.
Mike: If that’s the best you can do-
Caitlin: (removing her jacket) ... right down to the two-piece janitor uniform.
Mike: Help! (He bangs furiously on the door) Stuart! Help me!
Caitlin: Scream all you want. (She grabs a mop) No-one can hear you.
Mike: Stuart! Help! Caitlin wants me to have sex with her!
(Stuart is sitting by a vent, listening to them.)
Mike: You’ve gotta help me- she’s got a mop!
Scene: Mike’s apartment
(He is looking at his watch)
Mike: 4,3,2,1...midnight AND GO!
(He and Caitlin start kissing on the couch)
Mike: So, how does it feel to be with the king of will power?
Caitlin: Well I’ve got to admit I never thought you’d make it. I am impressed! (They start walking over to the bed)
Mike: Some people are blessed with self restraint. Stick with me, you might actually learn something.
Caitlin: I don’t have self restraint?
Mike: Well, y’know let’s face it, that boiler room thing wasn’t just for my benefit.
Caitlin: I could go a week easy.
Mike: Ha.
Caitlin: I could go two.
Mike: Ha ha.
(Caitlin throws him down on the bed and leaves)
Mike: Wait a minute- where are you going?
Caitlin: I’ll meet you back here in two weeks.
Mike: No-no wait, Caitlin, no I believe you!
(He sighs, dons goggles and starts up his sander.)
END CREDITS
Scene: Mayor’s office
Mayor: Well Prescott, I guess this is it. We both knew it couldn’t last forever. But just know that every time I look at these stains (he lifts up a piece of cloth) I’ll remember you.
(Carter enters)
Mayor: Please, no tears. (He starts crying) Oh you’re stronger than I am.
Carter: Sir, you’re talking to his ass.
Mayor: I know, I already did the other end.
END