"QUEER AS FOLK" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by Cowlip Productions, SJ2 Entertainment, Tony Jonas Productions, QAF III Productions, Dufferin Gate Productions Inc. and Celebrity Public Relations in association with Showtime Networks Inc. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain. For Entertainment and Educational purposes only. No infringement intended.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(Scene opens at a comic book store)

Michael: (voice-over) Okay, so I'm a gay man with a superhero fetish. Yes, we're out there, and no, it doesn't have anything to do with immaturity. I think we gay boys learn important lessons from comic books. One, there are a lot of villains out there, so you better learn to develop some secret powers. Two, if you have a good body, you can wear tight clothes. And, three, it's always good to be part of a dynamic duo.

(flash to Michael and Brian inside the store)

Michael: I totally blew it.

Brian: But don't worry. There's still plenty of creepy old men out there who'd love to get in your pants.

Michael: He wasn't that old.

(the comic book store employee checks Brian out)

Michael: And it wasn't creepy. It was nice. The first doctor--

Brian: Chiropractor.

Michael: That counts. I think.

(comic book employee comes up)

CBE: Ah, we got in the new Cat Woman.

Michael: Cool.

(Brian and they guy start checking each other out. CBE walks off)

Michael: He takes me to this really nice restaurant. I behave like a fucking idiot. Dressed up like some slick asshole.

Brian: Hey, that was my twelve hundred dollar leather jacket.

Michael: It wasn't me. (Brian keeps checkin' out the guy) You know why? 'Cause I'm nobody. That's the problem. Are you even listening to me?!

(Brian starts walking to the other side of the display)

Brian: I tune out self pity. It makes my dick soft. (to CBE) And we wouldn't want that. (stands by Michael) Would we?

Michael: Just forget I said anything.

(CBE holds out a figurine, clearing throat to get Michael's attention)

Michael: Oh, wow! Look. It's the new Electra Woman doll. I'm gonna buy this for Gus.

Brian: Don't. I don't want a gay kid.

Michael: He's being raised by two lesbians. He's going to need a feminine influence. And, besides, it'll be a collectors item.

(Michael pays the guy)

Brian: Well, I'll take it. I'm going over there.

Michael: I'll go too.

Brian: (looking at CBE) No. You're going back to the doctor. (looking at Michael) Tell him you wanna give it another try.

(Michael leaves as Brian and CBE ogle each other)

(Justin and Daphne are on Liberty Avenue, standing at a display table full of stuff)

Daphne: Does your mom know you're out buying jewelry?

Justin: No, she's totally cool with everything. Or at least she's pretending to be because she's scared I'll run away and become a hairdresser.

Daphne: I hate you. My mom's such a bitch, and I haven't even given her a reason yet.

(Justin picks up two bracelets)

Justin: How 'bout these?

Daphne: (shakes her head) They're totally queer.

Justin: Shut up! They're a symbol of our friendship. (he puts it on her wrist)

Daphne: Okay. Thanks.

Justin: Actually, I don't have any money. I had to buy a new fake I.D. (spots Melanie, Lindsay and Gus) Look! That's them. Brian's lesbians.

(Justin runs over to them as Daphne pays for the bracelets)

Justin: Hey! Hey! How's it goin'?

Lindsay: I'm sorry. Do we know you?

Justin: I'm Justin. Brian's friend. I was there the night Gus was born. I named him.

Lindsay: Yeah.

Mel: Oh, right. So when Gus ends up pumping gas, we'll have you to thank.

(Lindsay laughs. Daphne walks up)

Justin: This is Daphne.

Daphne: Hi. I'm not a lesbian, but I-I-I'm a big fan.

(Mel chuckles)

Justin: He's gotten so big already.

Mel: Oh, well you would, too, if all you did was sleep and eat all day.

Daphne: Huh, he does.

Justin: He's, like, the cutest baby I've ever seen. If you ever need a babysitter--

Lindsay: Don't say that unless you mean it.

Justin: And if you need any help carrying stuff to the car, I'd be glad to be of assistance.

(Lindsay hands him some bags)

Mel: Wow, you're good for a thousand and one uses.

(Justin starts walking off with them, leaving Daphne)

Daphne: I'll see ya later?

Justin: I don't know.

(At Emmett's workplace. Emmett is looking through a box of clothes as Ted is looking at some underwear)

Ted: I'm out.

Emmett: At work? That's fabulous.

Ted: Out of the scene, I mean. I've made up my mind. No more bars, no more baths, no more clubs. You'll never see my face at Babylon again.

Emmett: Oh, please. (holds up a shirt to his body) You can't let one little drug-induced coma get you down. What do you think?

Ted: You look unbelievable trashy.

Emmett: Talked me into it. I'll buy it.

Ted: You missed my point entirely. Everything we do, even the clothes we wear, is a conscious, or worse yet-unconscious--attempt to get laid.

Emmett: Yes, it's true. There's an over emphasis on sex. (throws red shirt at Ted) Buy why not buy two sizes too small and go with it?

Ted: Because, tragically, some of us were not born to wear lycra.

Emmett: Here, check out the personals. (he hands the paper to Ted) Perhaps you'll find someone to not go out with.

Ted: You know, one thing I never understood about these ads, why is it always "tit work" and "ass play"? If you ask me, it's a lot harder to--hey, look at this...at the center. (reads aloud) "Date Bait. Meet other single gay men in a civilized evening of conversation. No pick-ups, no face-to-face rejection." They have an over thirty night.

Emmett: Where, the morgue?

Ted: And just for that, you're going with me?

Emmett: I am NOT over thirty.

Ted: And I am not going alone.

(He hands the paper back to Emmett and leaves)

(Dr. David's office. He enters to find Michael there)

David: I didn't realize we had scheduled a follow-up visit.

Michael: We didn't. I told them it was an emergency.

David: What's the problem?

Michael: I'm a jerk. Can you adjust that? (laughs)

David: Provided it's not a permanent condition.

(David walks over to Michael)

Michael: See, the thing is, I don't date...very often. You know, real "eat a meal, talk, stare into each other's eyes" kind of date. So, I-I kind of freaked. And I'm sorry I was such an asshole.

David: You weren't...an asshole.

Michael: Believe me, I've seen assholes, and...I mean, uh... I feel shitty about it, and...I really like you. And I think you might actually have liked me.

David: I do like you.

Michael: You do? Well...do you think we could start over?

(David throws down the folder he was holding)

David: Sit down.

(Michael sits and David starts doing his chiropractor stuff, tilting Michael's head and stuff. He looks Michael in the eyes)

David: You're adorable, you know that?

Michael: Hmm.

(Lindsay and Melanie's house. There's knocking at the door and Melanie answers it. All we see is the doll Michael bought for Gus)

Brian: I got something for Gus.

(Melanie grabs it, laughing)

Mel: That's so sweet. (Brian comes out from behind the door) We'll call Michael later to thank him.

(Brian follows her into the living room. Justin is drawing a sketch of Lindsay and Gus)

Lindsay: How long have you been drawing?

Justin: My mom brought me crayons when I was still in the crib. I never stopped.

Brian: What's he doing here?

(Justin smiles)

Mel: We ran into each other on the street. (Mel takes Gus from Lindsay to change his diaper)

Justin: It was, like, this weird coincidence.

Brian: I bet.

Lindsay: (looking at his sketches) You know, these are good.

Justin: That's what my mom says.

Mel: Lindsay's an art teacher.

Lindsay: For someone your age, you have an amazing feel for the human form.

Brian: I've noticed that myself. (he throws a stuffed bear at Justin)

Lindsay: Look at this!

Justin: Oh, don't show him.

Lindsay: Oh. (she shows Brian a sketch of himself, nude) Hmm.

Brian: When did you draw that?

Justin: When you were asleep.

Mel: Ah, circumcised. Just like I thought.

Lindsay: You know, there's gonna be an art show at the G.L.C.

Justin: What's that?

Brian: The Gay and Lesbian Center. Safe haven for fags who can't get laid. (clicks tongue)

Mel: You know, it might be good to get out and meet some nice (looks at Brian) young men for a change.

Lindsay: It's the annual fundraiser. Melanie and I are on the board. Would you like to have your work in the show?

Justin: Wait, you mean people seeing my stuff?

Lindsay: Yeah.

Justin: That'd be intense. (pause) But...yeah.

Brian: Good. Give him some activity so he'll stop stalking me. (throws the bear at him again)

Justin: Don't flatter yourself.

Mel: (laughs) Oh, we like Justin. Justin can stay.

Lindsay: We'll make sure everyone comes. (looks at Brian) Including you.

Brian: (mouths) Bitch.

(At "Date Bait" everyone is in a circle facing each other, each wearing a number)

Leader Guy: Write down the numbers of the men you're interested in, and if the computer matches you up, you have to go out on a date. (Emmett looks bored) Those are the rules.

(The next scenes show people standing up, giving their information out to everyone, what they're looking for, etc)

Guy #21: (stands up) Hi. Uh, my name is Bruce. I'm a little nervous. I only came out about a year ago.

Guy #19: I like, uh, Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby.

Guy #29 (Roger) : I teach piano and voice at Carnegie Mellon.

Guy #19: And watching Frasier.

Emmett: My friend made me come.

Guy #21: I'm looking for a nice guy who likes chiuauas. I have three.

(reaches into his back pocket)

Emmett: My boyfriend would kill me if he knew.

Guy #19: And I have a speedo fetish. Especially red and teal.

(chuckles)

Ted: I recently ,uh, went home with this very...cute boy that I met at Babylon. Uh, he had some drugs.

Roger: I also conduct the local gay men's chorus. I hope you'll all come to our upcoming concert.

Ted: I wanted to seem young and sexy so I took some and I ended up in a coma. (his number falls off) And, uh--

Roger: And I would love someone to come home to after rehearsal.

Ted: Now, I'm looking for a relationship based on something real. And I thought maybe there might be someone here who's looking for the same thing, and uh... that's all. (Roger's looking at him closely)

Emmett: (to Ted) Faggots, faggots everywhere, and not a drop to drink. I can honestly say I have no desire to have sex with any of these people.

Ted: Me, neither. (he tries to put his number back on, sighs) It's a start.

(Emmett/Michael's place, David and Michael are there. David's looking around at the place, noticing the big cut-out of Captain Astro and all the comic books)

David: I've never seen so many comic books.

Michael: That's what everybody I bring home says. I mean...people have told me that.

David: Mm-hmm. Who's the big fella?

Michael: Captain Astro.

(They're standing in the doorway to the kitchen and living room)

Michael: Um, my friend Emmett is staying with me. It was supposed to be a temporary thing but he became sort of a squatter. He may come home at any time, so...sorry about that.

David: You don't have to apologize for everything.

Michael: (pause) I know. I do that. I'm sorry. Um...do you want anything? Um, juice? (opens the fridge) Beer? I don't have any wine.

(David shuts the fridge and grabs Michael into a deep kiss. They start making out and David pulls Michael's shirt up)

David: Slow.

(David starts to go at his nipples as Michael takes his shirt off. They make out a lot more)

(Roger and Ted are at a restaurant, on a date. The waiter comes by)

Waiter: Hi, guys. You know what you'd like?

(Ted and Roger both stare at the waiter's package)

Roger: Um...I'll have the bacon cheeseburger, medium fries and a-a Pepsi.

(the waiter shakes his head)

Ted: (looking at the menu and sneaking glances at said body member) Uh, I'll have the, uh, uh, the grilled tuna, and um...I, uh, I-I'll just...I-I'll have water.

Roger: Oh, come on. Live a little. I can tell you've been denying yourself for way too long.

Ted: (looks at the waiter, smiles) All right. Give me what he's having.

Waiter: Okay. Coming right up.

(he leaves as both Ted and Roger check out his ass)

Roger: He has a nice smile.

Ted: Among other attributes.

Roger: I'm sure he's a fine person.

Ted: Rhodes Scholar would be my guess.

Roger: (chuckles) You know, ordinarily I'd be wracking my brain to come up with some pathetic line for when he comes back, like, uh, "I haven't seen you here before. Are you new?"

Ted: Or, uh, "Do I know you from somewhere? No? Must be in a dream."

Roger: "So, when did they start hiring models here?"

Ted: (laughs) You're worse than I am. Do you, uh, you want me to go to the men's room so you can take a crack at him, or--

Roger: Oh, God, no! Ugh! Never worked anyway. All that useless flirting.

Ted: It is such a relief to be out of that world.

Roger: I have a confession to make. I didn't go to "Date Bait" just to drum up an audience for our 500 Sondheim concert.

Ted: I had a feeling.

Roger: I was hoping that I would find someone I could connect to.

Ted: Someone appropriate.

Roger: Exactly. Someone appropriate.

Ted: Well...I say let's get to know each other, and...see what happens.

Roger: Take it slow. I always prefered Adante to Presto anyway.

(Ted chuckles as the waiter comes with their drinks)

Waiter: Hey, boys. These'll help cool you down.

(they're both staring at the bulge in the waiter's pants, each taking a sip of Pepsi when he leaves)

(Ted, Emmett and Brian are at the gym, working out as Michael talks about David)

Michael: Twenty-seven minutes on my nipples. I clocked it. I mean, I expected him to know what to do with his hands, 'cause that's his business, but he has the most talented tongue. Every time I came--

Ted and Emmett: Every time?

Michael: He would just keep on going. Licking me... every where.

Emmett: I once knew a guy who could tie a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue. I was afraid to let him blow me.

Ted: Twenty-seven minutes? W-was that thirteen and a half on each nipple, or--

Michael: Sixteen right, eleven left.

Brian: Yeah, that's probably how long it takes him to get it up.

Michael: I wouldn't know. I never saw it when it was down.

Brian: Another Viagra success story.

Emmett: So are you bringing him to Woody's tonight?

Michael: He isn't really into the bar scene.

Brian: Well, what is he into?

Michael: His life.

Ted: Like the guy I met.

Brian: You met someone?

Ted: (shakes his head) He's very nice, very intelligent, very interesting.

Brian: Is he a top or a bottom?

Ted: You know, not everybody judges people by your criteria, okay? Roger and I--

Brian: (laughs) Roger?

Ted: Roger and I have decided to get to know each other before we have sex.

Brian: What do you think you are, lesbians?

Emmett: It's like "The Mirror Has Two Faces." (they all look at him) No, no, it is because Barbra plays an unattractive professor (to Ted) no offense, who, um, marries Jeff Bridges because neither one of them can handle sex. But, of course, Barbra gets horny because, hello, Jeff's such a dreamboat. So, um, she hops on a Stairmaster for, like, two minutes, eats a carrot stick and then poof! She gorgeous. (Brian laughs) Then, she comes in dressed like the hooker in "Nuts" and of course, Jeff's going to fuck her, and, um...they (tears up) dance in the street.

(Brian's still laughing)

Ted: And she still wasn't nominated.

Brian: (sighs) You know, you do it right away, or you don't do it at all. (gets up to leave) I'm happy for you, Mikey. (he leaves)

Ted: Fuck he is.

(Michael slaps his shoulder, playfully)

(At Justin's house, Molly is lying on the couch as Jennifer announces Daphne's arrival to Justin, who is upstairs)

Jen: Justin, Daphne's here! (spotting Molly's shoes on the couch) Molly.

Daphne: We're gonna be late.

(Jen starts taking Molly's shoes off)

Daphne: (to Jen) Hey, look, Justin told me how great you were being about everything, and I-I just wanna say I think he's really lucky to have such an understanding mom.

Jen: Well, I'm trying.

Daphne: Yeah, well, must be hard 'cause my family: I'm black, my parents are black, we're all...black, you know what I mean?

Jen: I think so.

Daphne: Oh, did you see the flyer? (hands one to Jen)

Jen: What flyer?

Daphne: For the art show. His name is really big. (shouting to Justin) Would you come on already?!

Jen: Gay and Lesbian Cent--w-I-I...when did this happen?

Daphne: Oh my god, you mean he didn't--

Jen: (shakes her head) He doesn' t tell me much these days.

Daphne: Oh, promise you won't tell him I told you, or he'll stop telling me.

Justin: (grabs bag) You don't have to yell. I heard you the first time.

(Daphne gets up)

Justin: (to Jen) And I don't know when I'll be back.

Jen: Justin! (they leave) Be careful.

(At the Gay and Lesbian Center, they're getting ready for the show)

Girl: Chris, pass me that hammer.

Daphne: (to a woman who's hanging pictures) You're really good at that.

Woman: Thanks. I like you guys' bracelets.

Daphne: Oh, they're for friendship. I mean, he's not my boyfriend or anything.

Woman: I figured.

Justin: You can tell I'm gay?

Woman: Well, you're here, aren't you? (to Daphne) I'm headin' on down to the diner to get a soda. You wanna come?

Daphne: (looks at Justin) Sure.

(They stand up)

Justin: Wh-wh-what are you doing? She thinks you're a lesbian.

Daphne: Well, can't I be one of the cool people, too?

Justin: You're a freak.

(She makes a face and runs off as Justin laughs. Lindsay comes up to him)

Lindsay: You know, you have real talent.

Justin: Really?

Lindsay: Hm. You should develop it. Maybe go to art school.

Justin: I've been thinking about that.

Lindsay: Oh, if you ever need a recommendation.

Justin: Thanks. (pause) You think Brian's gonna come?

Lindsay: Don't expect too much from him, okay?

Justin: What's too much?

Lindsay: Anything at all. You'll have lots of relationships, Justin, with lots of interesting people. I know you don't believe that right now, but you will.

Justin: I just want him to see his picture framed, that's all.

(Michael and David are walking down the street, going to Woody's. They pause on the steps)

Michael: Are you sure you want to do this?

David: Yeah, why not? Get a taste of your world, see what I'm saving you from.

(They go inside)

David: Just the same as I remember it. Even the guys look the same.

Michael: Why'd you stop?

David: It wasn't for me. And I met someone.

Michael: Oh.

David: Yeah, we were together almost six years.

Michael: Wow. So, who left who?

David: He died.

Michael: I'm sorry.

David: Nobody's fault.

(Emmett pops up with his arms in the air)

Emmett: Hi! (giggles) So, is, uh, is this the famous chiropractor?

Michael: David, this is Emmett.

(They shake hands)

David: Hi, Emmett.

Emmett: Hello, gorgeous. (giggles while he starts to pull him farther into Woody's) So, um, so I've, um, I've got a little tightness right in here, one place I don't need it. (chuckles) Would you mind?

David: Uh, I wouldn't mind at all if you made an appointment.

(they laugh)

Emmett: Well, it was worth a shot.

Michael: Where's Ted?

Emmett: Out with the Pillsbury Doughboy. Oh my god. That guy over there looks exactly like Matthew McConaughey. Maybe he smokes pot naked. Excuse me. (waves bye and walks off)

David: (chuckles while he takes off his jacket) He doesn't hold anything back.

Michael: He was toning it down for you.

(They laugh and sit down at a table. Brian sees Michael and goes over to him, sitting in his lap)

Brian: Where the fuck have you been?

Michael: Brian, this is David.

Brian: Oh, fuck me. The new beau.

David: I've heard a lot about you.

Brian: And I've heard a lot about you, too. Sixteen right, eleven left.

David: Excuse me?

Michael: Nothing. (to Brian) You're tweaked, what are you on?

Brian: Oh, E, K, GHB. Most of the letters on Sesame Street.

Michael: You're gonna get dehydrated taking all that shit. I'm gonna get you some water. (to David) Want a beer?

David: Sure.

(Michael gets up and Brian sits in his seat)

David: Well, you've got him well trained.

Brian: Well, he takes care of me and I take care of him. So, Doc...do you fuck all of your patients?

David: Well, if you're referring to Michael, I released him from my care...before we went out together. (clears throat) What about you, what do you do?

Brian: Advertising.

David: Well, you must know a thing or two about screwing people yourself.

Brian: Yeah, I could do it in my sleep.

David: (chuckles) I bet you could.

Brian: You know, Dave..what's weird about...you meeting Mikey?

David: "Mikey?"

Brian: Is that we usually meet guys together.

David: And they usually end up with you.

Brian: The lucky ones.

David: Debatable.

Michael: So, what'd I miss?

David: Nothing special.

(Michael holds out a beer for David, which Brian grabs and takes off. He gives David the other one, sits down and drinks the water)

(At Ted's Condo, Ted and Roger are talking and Ted's putting a CD into the player)

Ted: Okay, identify my favorite aria of all time and you instantly become my new favorite person.

Roger: Oh, well thanks for not putting any pressure on me.

(They laugh. The music starts as Ted walks over to him)

Roger: "Clemenzo di Tito." Sesto's Aria, Act Two. Come on, give me a tough one.

(Ted's shocked)

Ted: Okay, stop trying to make me fall for you.

Roger: (chuckles) Who's trying?

Ted: You are the first person I've met in Pittsburgh who knows Sesto's Aria.

Roger: I'm the only other person who knows.

Ted: (chuckles) You know, when I was a kid, (puts his hand on Roger's arm) I used to pretend I was sick on Saturday afternoon so I could skip little league and listen to the Met Opera broadcast on the radio.

Roger: Ha ha, I wish I'd known you. We could have listened together.

(Ted takes a sip of wine as Roger kisses his hand)

Roger: Is, uh, is this allowed?

Ted: (silently) Yeah. Only, uh... (pulls hand away) I'm not quite...ready yet.

Roger: It's okay.

Ted: But I will be soon. And, uh...I have a feeling it's gonna be great.

(Roger smiles and they drink their drinks. Ted drinks all his and leaves to get some more)

Ted: (silently) More.

(Michael and David are leaving Woody's)

Michael: You had a hideous time. I can tell.

David: (laughs) Ah, I don't mind goin' out once in a while.

Michael: Are you implying that I'm a scene queen?

David: You are a scene queen.

(David puts his arms around Michael for a brief moment as they're walking)

Michael: We're in Pittsburgh. There is no scene.

David: Yeah, so what's the big attraction?

Michael: Well, if you don't go out, you don't meet people.

David: You met me.

Michael: Rare exception. Besides, my friends are here.

(They stop walking)

David: Your friends! Some friends. You friend Brian tried to hit on me.

Michael: He did not!

David: I've been around the block.

Michael: He's always like that. Besides, he was high.

David: I'm just telling you.

Michael: He wouldn't.

David: He did.

(David shrugs and starts walking away)

Michael: Shit. (he pulls David back to him) Well, he can't have you. You're mine.

(They kiss deeply)

David: Whoo!

(He starts walking away and motions for Michael to follow him. He goes running after him)

(Brian's loft: Lindsay and Gus are there. Brian obviously just woke up and is pouring cereal into two bowls)

Brian: I told you. I'm not going.

Lindsay: I promised him you'd be there.

Brian: Well, you should stop making promises that I can't keep.

Lindsay: Hey, don't be a shit. I'm trying to clean up some of your mess.

(He starts pouring the milk, splashing some on Lindsay)

Brian: Look, he's the one that threw himself at me. I've been trying to get rid of him.

Lindsay: Tell it to the judge.

Brian: (throwing marshmellows into the bowls) When did you start sounding like your girlfriend?

Lindsay: It's time you became part of the community.

Brian: Look, just because I fuck guys does not mean I'm part of some community, and it doesn't mean I have anything in common with someone else who does.

(he's pouring sugar into the coffee pot as Lindsay eats the cereal)

Lindsay: You know it's more than that. We need to take care of each other.

Brian: I don't need to take care of anyone. And I don't need anyone to take care of me.

(he starts drinking from the coffee pot as he walks to the "living room")

Lindsay: One day you might.

Brian: Fuck groups.

Lindsay: I thought you did.

Brian: Occassionally. But it's by invitation...only.

(he takes another drink as Lindsay chuckles)

(At the Art Show: Roger is playing the piano while everyone is looking at the art. Daphne walks by, looking at a pamphlet, walking up to Justin)

Daphne: Did you see this? They're charging a hundred dollars for every one of your drawings. You could be rich.

Justin: It's charity. I don't get to keep it.

Daphne: (makes a face) Still.

(Justin keeps looking at the door, waiting to see Brian)

Daphne: And would you stop watching the door.

(Cut to Emmett and Ted, who are standing by the piano Roger is playing)

Ted: He plays beautifully, doesn't he?

Emmett: I'm all a-tingle. So, have you two had sex yet?

Ted: No. (pulls him away) Would you keep your voice down?

Emmett: Well, when are you?

Ted: (sighs) When we both know it's the right thing to do.

Emmett: Sex is never the right thing to do. Feeding the poor is the right thing to do. Hiring the handicapped is the right thing to do. Donating blood is the right--

Ted: All right, all right. You made your point.

(Cut to Justin and Daphne as Melanie and Lindsay come up to him)

Lindsay: Everyone loves your drawings.

Mel: You guys check out the food?

Justin: I'm not hungry.

Mel: Okay, how about the cute guys? There's some, right over there, just about your age.

(Justin sees Brian starting to walk through the door and smiles)

Justin: He's here.

Mel: (sarcastic) Hmm. Yippee!

(Mel and Lindsay walk away)

Daphne: Well, aren't you going to go over there?

Justin: Are you crazy?

Daphne: (mouths) What?

(Lindsay walks up to Brian as he holds up his hand, shielding his face, as if to hide from her)

Lindsay: Thanks for coming. (she kisses him on the cheek)

Brian: Whatever. (he sees Michael and David) Where's the back room?

(He walks off as Michael and David advance towards Lindsay)

Michael: Lindsay, this is David.

Lindsay: Nice to meet you.

David: Nice to meet you.

(they shake hands)

Deb: (holding Gus) Whoo! Michael.

Michael: (to David) Let's go check out the vagina sculptures, first. Get it over with. (looks back at Lindsay as they walk away)

(Melanie's walking around, checking out the art)

(Brian walks up to Justin, drink in hand)

Brian: The famous art-eest.

Justin: Did you see my stuff?

Brian: No, I had to get a drink first.

Justin: It's over there. (points to a wall beside Michael and David) Case you're interested.

(As David starts to walk away from Michael, Brian decides to go over there. They stare at each other as they pass. Brian stands behind Michael)

Brian: Psst!

(Michael looks at him as Brian smiles)
Michael: (looking at the drawing of Brian) I think the artist has taken some liberties.

Brian: Well, that's a perfect likeness.

Michael: Come on. It was never that big.

Brian: Hey, you haven't seen it in a long time.

Michael: I haven't seen Gone With the Wind in a long time either, but I know it's still three and a half hours.



(Cut to Melanie talking to David, both looking at Michael and Brian)

Mel: The Brian and Michael show. Blah, blah, blah. Stuck in perpetual reruns. (takes a sip of wine)

David: Is it always like that? Michael running after him?

Mel: It's the greatest love story never told. Trust me. W-what was your name?

David: David.

Mel: Melanie. Trust me, David. Long after you're gone, he'll still have Michael. Brian's little acolyte, poor guy. Oh, but don't worry. Michael could wait forever, Brian'll never fuck him. Pardon my French.



Michael: (to Brian) By the way, I heard you hit on David last night.

Brian: (laughs) Couldn't have been that high.

Michael: You were. And you did.

Brian: I was testing him. I wanted to see if he'd drop you the first chance he got.

Michael: Oh, yeah, right.

Brian: Aren't I always looking out for you?

Michael: You're just jealous because someone finally thinks I'm hot or something.

Brian: You are hot or something. I've been telling you that since you were fourteen. But you won't believe me.

(they kiss on the mouth)

David: So I suppose I just keep him company while Michael waits.

Mel: (almost chokes) Oh. Oh, sh-oh, shit! Oh, you're with Michael?

David: (nods) Yeah.

Mel: Um, oh, jesus. I, uh, I-I'm sorry. I-I-I didn't mean that. I-I mean, well, I-I mean, Brian's the one that's always showing up with some new guy so I just assumed that, um--

David: Don't worry about it.

Mel: Well, you know, th-they're...they love each other as friends, but that's it. That's really, that's all it is.

David: Really. It's not like I didn't know.

Mel: Do you want a shrimp ball?

David: No. (Mel chuckles) Thanks.

(Mel walks away, mouthing 'Fuck' as David stands there, watching Michael and Brian. Brian is purposefully trying to make David jealous: arm around Michael, looking dead straight at David. Brian walks away)

(Deb is standing by herself in the hall, looking at a painting, as Emmett walks up to her)

Emmett: Now that's what I call a piece. (she looks at him) Of art.

Deb: (snickers) I've always admired creative people.

Emmett: (looks at her wardrobe) You're pretty creative yourself there, missy.

Deb: (smiles) No me. But Michael, he's got a gift.

Emmett: I didn't know he could draw.

Deb: Well, he can't. I bought him tracing paper when he was a kid so he could copy his comic books. (laughs) His Spiderman always ended up looking more like little orphan Annie.

Emmett: (laughs) Well, what's his talent?

Deb: Well, it's nothing he'd be famous for. You won't ever see his...paintings hanging in an art gallery, or hear him playing Carnegie Hall. But when it comes to taking care of people--knowin' what you need better even than you do--he's a fuckin' Picasso.

(winks)

(Emmett kisses her cheek and then escorts her back into the main room. As they walk away, Jennifer starts coming up the stairs. She's a little taken aback by the art and the people there, but she maintains her composure and goes for it)

(Roger walks up to Ted as he's looking at some photographs on the wall)

Roger: (points to a picture) Beautiful light and shadow.

Ted: Very...haunting.

(They move to the next picture)

Roger: Photographer has a great eye.

Ted: Strong...composition.

(Justin found his mom)

Justin: No, you can't stay. You have to leave.

(he starts pushing her away but she won't have it)

Jen: Now, Justin, don't be mean. I kept my end of the bargain. Now-now I would like to see my son's work. I won't embarrass you. I promise.

(Lindsay, Melanie and Gus walk up to them)

Lindsay: Justin, is this your mother?

Jen: (shaking Mel's hand) Uh, hi. I'm Jennifer.

Mel: Melanie.

Lindsay: Lindsay. (shakes her hand also) You know, your son's remarkably talented. You should be very proud.

Jen: Well, thank you. I am. (looks at Justin, then turns to Gus) And what a beautiful baby.

Lindsay: His name's Gus.

Mel: Actually, Justin's the one who named him.

Jen: Really? That was his teddy bear's name.

Lindsay: Aw!

Mel: Oh, a teddy bear.

Justin: (embarrassed) Mom.

Jen: (to Lindsay) U-um, a-are you the mother?

Lindsay: Uh, yes. But we're raising him together.

Jen: Well, that's wonderful. I've never met lesbian mothers before. I mean, I-I-I read about you all--them...in the papers, all the time.

Mel: (laughs) Seems like there's always some judge in Alabama tryin' to take our kids away.

Lindsay: That's why I married a lawyer.

(They laugh as Lindsay kisses Mel on the cheek)

Lindsay: Have you seen the art?

Jen: Not yet. Where's your stuff honey?

(Justin points to a wall. She leaves to go to it)

Mel: She came. That's huge.

(Roger and Ted are still looking at photographs)

Roger: Tremendous energy.

Ted: It really comes right out at ya. (pause, Ted breathing heavily) Roger...I think I'm ready.

Roger: I promised to play the piano.

Ted: You're just volunteering.

Roger: You're right. Fuck 'em!

(They bolt out of there as Emmett and Brian notice. Roger and Ted rush past Jennifer, who is looking at some of the more...appropriate drawings of Justin's. She sees one of a nude male's backside and looks over at Justin, who's talking to Lindsay and some guy. Deb's in the background, watching Jennifer. Jen sees the one of nude Brian just as Brian walks up to Justin, putting his arms around him)

Brian: Who's that guy you drew?

(Jennifer looks at the picture again and back at Brian, realizing they're the same person. She sees Justin and Brian kissing and starts imagining them making out. Lindsay comes over to Brian and Justin, handing Brian Gus. Jennifer looks at the drawing one more time, then bolts. Deb sees and chases after her)

(Ted's Bedroom: Roger and Ted are in the process of trying to copulate, opera playing in the background. They're kissing and Ted bumps his head on the headboard)

Ted: Oww.

Roger: Oh, sorry.

Ted: That's okay.

(They go back to kissing, making out. In the background, you can hear a clock ticking. Ted's just not getting into it at all. He looks at his watch, then at the clock on this nightstand. Still not getting into it as Roger is kissing him everywhere, etc.)

Ted: Ouch!

Roger: Oh, I'm sorry.

Ted: It's-it's okay.

(Roger goes back to what he was doing. Suddenly there are all sorts of different ticking noises and Ted gives up)

Ted: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Roger: What?

Ted: (stutters) I-I-I-I-I can't. (stutters some more)

Roger: What is it? (Ted stutters) Is something wrong?

Ted: I-It just won't work. I thought I could do this, I really did. I mean, you are so nice, and smart, and talented and you play the piano beautifully .

Roger: But?

Ted: Well--

Roger: Go on, say it.

Ted: (pause) You're just not my type.

Roger: Type? Are you serious? God, I don't believe this. After all that? I thought you didn't want sex to be everything.

Ted: Yeah, but...I'd like it to be...something.

(There's a pause. Roger starts to get out of the bed)

Roger: You're just like all the others. (chuckles and gets up, putting his underwear on. He mutters to himself as he tries to find his other sock) Where's my sock?

Ted: (trying to look for it from the bed) Look, it's my fault. I admit it. I mean, I-I don't know what the hell's wrong with me. I mean (looks under the sheets) you're a catch. (finds it and hands it to him) Any straight woman would find you incredibly attractive.

Roger: (grabs the sock, angrily) Oh, is that supposed to make me feel better? Fuck you. (puts his shirt on)

Ted: Look, I know we share all the important things: music, a sense of humor. This would be a totally appropriate relationship for me, the only problem is that sex isn't appropriate.

Roger: (fully dressed except shoes and the buttons that he's closing) You know, I was wrong. You're not like all the others. You're worse. 'Cause you think knowing Sesto's Aria from "Clemenzo di Tito" somehow makes you better. (starts putting shoes on) Well, let me tell you...you're nothing but a pretentious, self-involved, boring asshole who's still hanging around with younger guys who don't want you and never will. You're pathetic! (starts to leave)

Ted: And what about you? You know, after you conduct your five hundred and first "Tribute to Sondheim" you might try going to a gym. You know, get on a treadmill for once in your life, wouldya? And do something about your breath! (Roger starts to leave again) Listen. (pause) I don't suppose we could still be friends?

(Roger walks away, incredulous, and slams the door. Ted leans back and hits his head on the headboard again)

Ted: Ow.

(He rubs his head, then sprays some stuff where Roger just was, and then sprays it into his own mouth. He picks up a men's magazine)

(Deb and Jen are in a bar, talking and having drinks)

Jen: So I thought "Okay, he's having...experiences." But with boys his own age. This... man ...he must be in his thirties.

Deb: Well, not yet, but I'll be happy to tell him you thought so.

Jen: Well, it's not right.

Deb: It happens.

Jen: If his father finds out, I-- (sighs and takes another drink) Tell me about him. This...person. I have to know.

Deb: Brian Kinney. God's gift to Gay PA. (pause) They all want Brian. But the good news is that no one can have him. He screws them, breaks their heart and they wise up. Most of 'em, anyway.

(Deb takes a drink as Jennifer signals over to the waiter to bring her some more)

Jen: So, this, uh... Brian Kinney . He's gonna hurt my son. What do I do?

Deb: Nothing. There's nothing you can do without making it worse.

Jen: He's only seventeen.

Deb: How old were you the first time?

Jen: (takes a drink) Sixteen.

Deb: (points to herself) Fifteen.

(The waiter comes by with a new glass for Jennifer)

Deb: Anyway, if it makes you feel any better...I've known Brian since he was fourteen. He hasn't changed much. In fact, I'd say he and Justin are pretty evenly matched.

Jen: (sighs) I don't know if I can be so accepting.

Deb: Honey. Jennifer. You don't have too much choice. All you can do is hope that they'll be careful. And that they remember your phone number.

(Deb takes another drink as Jennifer scoffs, going into her purse)

Jen: Here.

Deb: Don't you dare! It's on me.

Jen: Thanks.

Deb: (digging in her purse) Oh, here. (pulls out a handful of condoms) Give him what he needs.

(Jen picks one up, looks at it, then grabs them all and puts them in her purse)

(Babylon: Emmett, Ted, Brian, Michael and David are all standing together, by some stairs, drinking)

Emmett: (to Ted) Admit it. You missed all this.

Ted: The rampant narcissism? The sleaze, the drug use? I don't think so.

David: So why'd you come back?

Ted: When I figure it out, I'll let you know.

Brian: (spotting Justin and Daphne) Oh, look, it's the cast of "Zoom."

Daphne: We're celebrating. Justin sold some of his art today.

Justin: The one of you, naked.

Michael: Who'd buy that?

Emmett: Probably some desperate queen who's always pinned for you.

Brian: Ah, Ted, how thoughtful.

Michael: Oh my god, I used to love this song.

(He puts his beer down, getting ready to go dancing with David)

Brian: Then, let's dance.

(They start going to the dance floor as Brian looks back at David)

Ted: I gotta pee.

(He leaves as Emmett and David are left there by themselves. David watches as Brian and Michael dance)

Emmett: 'Kay, Dr. Feelgood. Let me see you shake your groove thang. Come on!

(Emmett chuckles as he pulls David onto the dance floor with him)

Emmett: Ooh, he can dance. He is gay after all.

(Emmett and David dance, as does Brian and Michael. Brian's got some drugs he's trying to give Michael)

Michael: Did anybody ever tell you you're a bad influence?

(He tries to say something else as Brian kisses him, giving him the pill he had in his mouth. David sees)

(Cut to the bathroom and Ted. He goes up to the urinals and looks over next to him where he sees Blake)

Blake: Hi. How are you doin'?

Ted: Better. No thanks to you.

Blake: Heh. I never really knew for sure what happened that night. I figured you came out of it okay. I kept looking in the papers.

Ted: Gee, that's...really thoughful.

Blake: I, uh...waited on the corner...after I called the paramedics, to make sure they came.

Ted: You mean you called 9-1-1?

Blake: I didn't want to stick around. I was afraid, you know, the drugs and shit.

Ted: Right.

Blake: I mean, you took so much. I said, "Whoa!" Anyway, I-I'm glad you're okay. (he starts to leave)

Ted: Well, uh...maybe we could, uh, get together again sometime. I mean, without the paramedics.

(Blake laughs)

Man: (to Blake) There you are. What's taking you so long?

Blake: Just talking to some guy. (to Ted) What's your name again?

Ted: (looks down) Ted.

Blake: Ted! Right! Hey, I-I'll...see you later.

Ted: See ya. (he leaves as Ted sighs)

(Ted's walking back to the dance floor from the bathroom, hitting on almost every guy he sees)

Ted: (to Guy #1) Hey, how's it goin'?

Guy #1: No!

Ted: (to random guys) Hi. Hi, how are--Hi. Hi, how are--Hey, how's it goin'?

Guy #2: Later. (walks away)

Ted: That's a great little (fake bites him--it's weird) collar thing you got.

Guy #3: As if!

Ted: How's it goin'? You both, you're together. That's something.

(Emmett's standing at the top of the stairs as Ted gets there)

Emmett: Oh my god, you did it in the little boys' room.

Ted: (shakes head) Nope.

Emmett: You got somebody's phone number?

Ted: I was rejected by everybody. (Emmett looks unsure) It's good to be back!

(They laugh and hug. Emmett gives him a kiss on the cheek)

Emmett: Let's get you a cocktail.

Ted: Okay.

(They walk off)

(Cut to Brian and Michael, still dancing together. A beauty puts a shiny, sequin-studded cowboy hat on Michael. David comes up, gives the hat back to the guy and puts his arms around Michael)

Michael: Hey, hot stuff. You want to dance?

David: I don't think so.

Michael: Well, what do you want to do?

David: Take you home.

(He and Michael start leaving, David looking back at Brian and waving. Brian doesn't look happy, but starts dancing with the Beau with the hat, of which he puts on Brian)

(David and Michael are at Michael's place. He's obviously messed up 'cuz he's swaying and breaks something. He starts to fall, David catching him)

David: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. (starts laughing as he picks him up, slaps him on the ass and starts twirling him around. Michael's laughing) Captain Astro!

Michael: Ah. (David places him on the bed) Oh.

(David lays on top of him, kissing. Michael's moaning and smiling, laughing and sighing. David pulls his shirt up, kissing his stomach. Michael starts breathing/moaning heavily and David stops)

David: Who are you thinking about?

Michael: What?

David: When you close your eyes, who are you thinking about?

(Michael kisses him and starts laughing. They lay there together, Michael occassionally laughing and David looking not so happy)