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TRANSCRIPT:
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FADE IN: INT. TED'S OFFICE - DAY
Close-up of a computer screen at a porn site with PORN GUY taking his shirt off. The camera pulls back and we see Ted is on the phone with Michael at the Big Q and Emmett at Torso.

TED [OS]
Brian Kinney, a father.

MICHAEL
It's true. I was there. I saw it happen with my own eyes.

TED
Talk about conceiving the inconceivable. Or is it the other way around?

MICHAEL
Would you give the guy a break?

EMMETT
Couldn't be any worse than my daddy was.

MICHAEL
Or mine. Not that I remember him.

TED
So, what's next? PTA parent? Little league coach? Scout master?

SPLIT SCREEN SHOT:
Ted at his desk.
Michael walking down an aisle.

MICHAEL
They don't allow queers in Scouts. They're afraid we'll induct new recruits.

SPLIT SCREEN SHOT:
Emmett dressing a mannequin.
Porn Guy taking his pants off.
Michael walking, looking at photos he's had developed.

EMMETT
I only go out with men who already enlisted. So, uh, who's he look like?

MICHAEL
Well, he's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and ... Lindsay's nose.

TED
Well, if he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble.

Emmett laughs.

MICHAEL
You should see the pictures I took. He is so adorable. In one of them, he's actually playing with himself.

TED
Who, Brian?

MICHAEL
No, the baby.

Shot widens to just Michael. He's stopped, looking at the pictures.

MICHAEL
Can you imagine, he's only been in the world about an hour and already he's pulling his pud.

Behind him, a HOT GUY with a shopping basket is looking at shoes. He looks up at Michael's voice and walks over.

HOT GUY
Excuse me.

MICHAEL
Yeah?

HOT GUY
Can you tell me where men's jockey shorts are?

MICHAEL
[grins] Aisle four.

HOT GUY
[grins] Thanks.

MICHAEL
Sure.

TED
[OS] Well, that proves the theory.

CUT TO: INT. TED'S OFFICE - DAY
Ted watching Porn Guy.

TED
We've all got dick on the brain from womb to tomb.

EMMETT
Speak for yourself.

TED
[to Emmett] I am. [to Porn Guy] Yeah, go for it.

CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE TORSO - DAY
Emmett sitting in the display window, his hand down the mannequin's hot pants.

EMMETT
Are you watching that filthy website again?

CUT TO: INT. TED'S OFFICE - DAY

TED
You can't believe this guy. He must be at least ten inches.

Ted's boss, MR. WORCSHAFTER, walks down the hall and turns to stop in the doorway.

MR. WORCSHAFTER
Ted? Ted.

Ted jumps, hitting two keys on his computer. The porn is replaced by a spreadsheet.

TED
[to Emmett] Uh, can I put you on hold one moment, please? [to boss] Yes, Mr. Worcshafter?

MR. WORCSHAFTER
Have you finished going over the Gropnik returns?

TED
Oh, yes, sir.

Ted opens a desk drawer and pulls out a folder to hand over. As he does, we see a photo of a bare-chested, smiling Michael underneath.

TED
I just printed them out. There you are. Federal and State.

MR. WORCSHAFTER
Thanks.

TED
You're welcome ... Mr. Worcshafter. [Long beat. Slowly reaches for the phone.] Sorry, the boss.

SPLIT SCREEN SHOT:
Emmett dressing another mannequin.
Ted at his desk, watching Porn Guy again.
Michael in the same aisle, watching two men walk by with arms around each other.

MICHAEL
Oh, shit, you better be careful.

EMMETT
The last thing you need is for him to catch you on cumquik.com.

TED
Oh, please. That guy's so blind he's yet to figure out his wife's been boinking his business partner for the last five years. How do you think he's going to find out about me? I'll catchya later.

EMMETT
Later.

MICHAEL
Later.

Shot widens to just Ted at his desk, looking down at the photo of Michael in his drawer.

MICHAEL [VO]
Remember that story we all read in high school? You know, the one about the prisoners chained in the cave? Plato or whoever? All they could see were shadows on a wall. So, after a while, they started thinking that was reality. Well, in a way, that's what Ted's like. It's been so long since he's had sex with someone who he didn't download, he's forgotten that all those perfect bodies and perfect faces aren't real. That no one's really there. That they're only ... shadows. Then again, who ever got anal warts in a chatroom?

CUT TO: INT. THE BIG Q - DAY
Michael continues watching the two men walk down the aisle. An employee, MARLEY, is leaning around a clothing rack to watch as well. She turns around to Michael.

MARLEY
[whispers] Michael. [swishes her hand and mouths] Fags.

Michael laughs. Hearing the laughter, the men turn and we see one is Hot Guy. The two stare back at Michael, who's embarrassed. He turns away. When he turns back, he sees two shopping baskets left in the aisle and the men gone.

CUT TO: INT. BRIAN'S AD AGENCY - DAY
Conference room. Brian is standing at the head of the table, pitching to a room of business men and women, most specifically CUTE CLIENT, SENIOR CLIENT, WOMAN CLIENT. Also at the table is CYNTHIA, Brian's assistant. Behind Brian is a large poster with a half-naked stud for Gold Pitt beer. Brian has a green apple in his hand.

BRIAN
The difference between our beer and their beer is that our beer says [tosses apple up] 'sex'. Not 'Clydesdales.' [tosses apple up] If you want to be cool, if you want to be popular, if you want to get ... [looks at Woman Client] laid...

Cute Client fingers his wedding band.

BRIAN
... this is what you drink.

SENIOR CLIENT
Ah, but what about the model? Are you sure he isn't too, um...

Brian tosses the apple.

BRIAN
Gay? Ladies?

WOMAN CLIENT
I wouldn't care if he was. I'd go to bed with him anyway.

Cynthia laughs.

BRIAN
[to Cute Client] What do you think? [suggestively bites into apple]

CUTE CLIENT
[a little breathless] I hadn't thought about it.

Close-up of Brian's mouth as he slowly chews.

CUT TO: INT. ST. JAMES SCHOOL - DAY
The locker room. Boys are changing and talking. Justin, in his school uniform, leans against the edge of his locker row. He smiles appreciatively at the jocks changing into their football uniforms, among them CHRIS HOBBS. Justin picks up his backpack/books from a bench. His eyes wander to the showers. After a glance around, he accidentally-on-purpose drops his books. Crouching now, he has a better view of all the naked bodies. We follow his gaze back to Chris as he smacks the ass of a passing teammate. Justin stands.

CUT TO: EXT. ST. JAMES SCHOOL - DAY
The football team is practicing. Justin and Daphne sit on a nearby brick wall. Justin is drawing the action--all centered around Chris--in a sketch book, Daphne is eating.

COACH
Hut, hut! Hit him now. Get him down, that's it! Move, move! You guys show some hustle out there, let's go!

Justin looks over at Chris (#68) on the field as he catches a pass.

JUSTIN [OS]
Guess what I was doing last night.

DAPHNE
Sleeping? Same as me.

JUSTIN
Having sex. All night. With that guy I met. Brian Kinney. We did it till six in the morning. [beat] Well? Aren't you shocked?

DAPHNE
Not really.

JUSTIN
[disappointed] Oh.

DAPHNE
Well, I kinda figured that you're an ... [gestures] you know. Even though you never told me.

JUSTIN
I'm telling you now.

DAPHNE
[sigh] Want some of my veggie wrap?

Justin takes a bite.

DAPHNE
So, what was it like?

JUSTIN
Well, I started out as a tight end, but wound up a wide receiver.

They laugh. A pass goes long and the football comes flying at them. Justin catches it against his chest, then tosses it back to Chris.

CHRIS
Thanks. [jogs back]

CUT TO: INT. BRIAN'S AD AGENCY - DAY
Brian and Cynthia stand at the door, shaking hands with the clients as they file out.

CYNTHIA
[to Woman Client] Thank you.

WOMAN CLIENT
[to Brian] Good to meet you.

BRIAN
Thank you.

CYNTHIA
[to Random Client] Next time.

Random Client shakes Brian's hand.

BRIAN
Thanks.

Brian looks back into the room. Cute Client is standing at the table, packing up files into a briefcase and glancing over at his shoulder at Brian.

CYNTHIA
Ahh. He's mar-ried.

BRIAN [OS]
Uh-huh.

CYNTHIA [OS]
With two children.

BRIAN
Ahh, a family man.

Cynthia makes a disbelieving noise.

Cute Client walks up.

CUTE CLIENT
Excuse me. Could you, uh, tell me where the men's room is?

CYNTHIA
Yeah, it's just down the hall and to the left.

CUTE CLIENT
Thanks. [lingering look at Brian, then smiling as he walks by]

BRIAN
That's a loooong trip. He might get lost. [turns to watch]

CYNTHIA
I'm sure you'll show him the way.

CUT TO: EXT. ST. JAMES SCHOOL - DAY
Justin and Daphne still on the brick wall.

JUSTIN
There I was, on my back. And there he was, on top of me, slipping it in.

DAPHNE
[wrinkles her nose] That must have hurt. Didn't it hurt?

JUSTIN
At first it felt like somebody was shoving a broom up there. But then I told him to go slower, and he did. Then I stopped thinking about it when I looked at his face. His eyes were closed. His mouth was open, in a sort of smile. Like he was in another place. A beautiful place. That place was me.

They both laugh.

JUSTIN
And his body, God! Like, his body was so amazing. I could see every muscle. He said he wanted to stay inside me forever. And I wanted him to. I still feel him. Like, he's still there. Christ, Daphne. Everybody talks about having sex. But I really did it. [big grin]

CUT TO: INT. BRIAN'S AD AGENCY - DAY
The bathroom. Empty but for Cute Client who is at the last of five urinals. Brian strolls in, hand in his pocket, and stands at the urinal next to Cute Client. He unzips his pants.

BRIAN
I had to piss during that whole pitch. Didn't think I could hold it.

Cute Client grins. Beat.

CUTE CLIENT
Your presentation was very impressive.

BRIAN
[looks over] Think so? [drops his eyes down to Cute Client's dick]

Cute Client reciprocates and grins.

CUTE CLIENT
Yeah, it was very impressive.

BRIAN
[to the wall] Well, I'm glad you liked it. Because that's what we're here for. [looks at him] To please the client.

CUT TO: EXT. ST. JAMES SCHOOL - DAY
Justin and Daphne walking across the football field.

COACH [OS]
That's it!

DAPHNE
So, like, what is he now? Your boyfriend?

JUSTIN
We just met.

DAPHNE
Well ... do you love him?

JUSTIN
I don't know. [beat] Yeah, I love him.

They laugh.

DAPHNE
Does he love you?

JUSTIN
He said he did.

DAPHNE
When?

JUSTIN
Well, when he was about to shoot. He was moving really fast and he let out this groan like nothing I'd ever heard before. And that's when he said it. Right when he came. He said, 'I love you.' Then he leaned in and kissed me.

CUT TO: INT. BRIAN'S AD AGENCY - DAY
Bathroom. Brian and Cute Client at the sinks, having just washed their hands. Cute Client lingers.

CUTE CLIENT
Well, I guess we better be getting back.

BRIAN
Yeah, I guess so.

CUTE CLIENT
[offers his hand to shake] It's been a pleasure.

BRIAN
[glances at the hand] It can be even more of one.

Pause.

CUTE CLIENT
Excuse me?

Brian grabs him by the tie and drags him into a stall. The door slams and the 'vacant' changes to 'occupied'. Inside, Cute Client attacks Brian's belt.

BRIAN
You know, [laughs] I'm never wrong.

CUTE CLIENT
Huh?

BRIAN
Oh, nothing, buddy. [dives in for a kiss that's stopped with a hand to his shoulder]

CUTE CLIENT
I-I don't kiss.

BRIAN
[whips the guy's belt off] Yeah. Right. [devours his mouth]

Sliding down then back up, Brian mouths Cute Client's chest, flips him around, holds both hands (crossed at the wrist) up on the stall edge, bites his ear, and grinds against him.

CUT TO: INT. THE BIG Q - DAY
We follow TRACY, an employee, up to a check-out station Michael and Marley are standing behind.

TRACY
Mr. Novotny?

MICHAEL
Mike.

TRACY
Mike. I was wondering, uh, well, you know those boxes you wanted me to move?

MICHAEL
Mm-hmn.

TRACY
I mean, I don't wanna seem like I'm shirking or anything, but they're kinda heavy. Do you think one of the guys could maybe give me a hand?

MICHAEL
Yeah, no problem. I can get somebody to help you.

TRACY
Oh, that'd be great. Okay. I'll be over on aisle fourteen.

MICHAEL
Okay.

TRACY
Okay. [walks away]

MARLEY
[snotty] Yes, your Majesty. Somebody should tell her Princess Di is dead and they're not looking for a replacement.

MICHAEL
The boxes are heavy. And there's nothing wrong with asking for help. I thi--I think she's kinda sweet, actually.

MARLEY
You think she's sweet?

MICHAEL
Well, I don't really know her, but--yeah.

MARLEY
What about cute?

MICHAEL
Yeah, she's cute.

MARLEY
Well, she thinks you're cute, too.

MICHAEL
She ... does?

MARLEY
She likes you a lot. But she didn't know if you liked her, so I said I'd find out.

MICHAEL
So, you don't really think she's stuck-up?

MARLEY
No, she's a doll! You know, I've never heard you say you liked a girl before.

MICHAEL
Well, I--

MARLEY
In fact, I've never heard you say anything about girls. [waggles finger, mocking voice] You ... like girls, don't you?

MICHAEL
Sure. But, I-- [shakes his head, flustered]

MARLEY
So, then, you'll come with us. After work tonight. We're taking her out for a drink.

MICHAEL
I don't think I can.

MARLEY
Ahh! [holds up hand]

MICHAEL
I--

MARLEY
No excuses. Shoeless Joe's. Seven thirty. And [impatient sound] do something about your hair. [messes it]

CUT TO: INT. THE GYM - DAY
Close-up on Michael's face as he does sit-ups. To his left, Emmett is lunging using free weights and Ted is on a leg machine.

MICHAEL
It was a trap.

EMMETT
Hey. See that number in the red shorts?

Ted looks. Cut to a muscled hottie using a barbell.

TED
I could work out for a hundred years and never look like that.

Emmett laughs.

MICHAEL
[on the upswing of another sit-up] Pretending she didn't like her just to see what I'd say. [back down]

EMMETT
Sean Peters. Went home with him the other night thinking he was this brutal top.

TED
And?

MICHAEL
[sitting up] And I fell for it!

EMMETT
Turns out, he's a big nelly bottom.

Emmett and Ted laugh.

TED
[looking over] I could have told you that.

Michael, still doing his sit-ups, rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

EMMETT [OS]
Uhh, it's so discouraging. Are there no real men left?

MICHAEL
[sitting up] Now they're expecting me to meet them.

TED
Steroid City?

MICHAEL
No, in a straight bar. Is there anyone here listening?

EMMETT
There's this new girl at work who's interested in you. Fat Marley tricked you into meeting her and some of the others for a drink after work, and now you have to go or they might suspect. Check out Mr. Pec Deck. So what if they do.

TED
They could fire him.

MICHAEL
Or I could end up an assistant manager for the rest of my life.

EMMETT
And the solution is to pretend you like pussy?

TED
Look, he's not like you, okay?

EMMETT
What is that supposed to mean?

TED
Meaning he's not an obviously gay man.

EMMETT
Are you accusing me of being obvious?

TED
If the fuck-me pump fits...

Emmett makes a disbelieving sound, tosses the weights down and puts his hands on his hips.

EMMETT
Well, I could be a-a-a real man if I wanted to. You know, just, lower my voice. [gestures] Stop gesturing with my hands. Make sure my face is expressionless. Never, never use words like-like 'fabulous' or 'diviiine.' Talk about, I don't know, [deep voice] nailing bitches and RBIs. [regular voice, lifts arms over his head] But I'd rather my flame burn bright than be some puny little pilot light.

TED
And a fabulous flame it is.

EMMETT
Thank you. [resumes weight lifting]

TED
Yeah. But Michael is out there in the straight world. Believe me, it isn't easy. You do what you have to do.

MICHAEL
[beat] I better go change. [gets up]

EMMETT
For your date? Ooo, here's a sports mag. Better bone up. [hands Michael the magazine] Just in case the conversation veers away from Liza's weight problem.

Michael looks less than thrilled and leaves. Emmett smothers a grin and waves.

CUT TO: INT. JUSTIN'S HOUSE - DAY
Camera POV inside Justin's closet as he slides the clothes apart. We see his mother, JENNIFER TAYLOR, standing in the doorway and looking unhappy.

JENNIFER
Justin, did you hear me? I said you're not going.

JUSTIN
[scoffs] I'm going.

JENNIFER
You were just there last night!

JUSTIN
So what? [pulls a shirt down to look at]

JENNIFER
Soo, I was ... planning to take you and your sister out for pizza. You--

Justin throws a shirt at her face. Jennifer huffs.

JENNIFER
You know, I expect you to clean up this mess. I don't understand why you have to spend all your time with Daphne.

Justin chooses a shirt and walks out of the closet, flicking off the light.

JENNIFER
Of all the beautiful clothes your father and I bought for you, you have to pick something that no longer fits. That is too tight.

Justin puts the shirt in the bag he's packing.

JUSTIN
That's why. [grabs the bag and heads for the door]

JENNIFER
Justin?

Justin stops and turns in the doorway.

JENNIFER
Don't I get a kiss good-bye?

Justin begrudgingly walks over and kisses her cheek. She touches his face, but he pulls away and then leaves.

JENNIFER
I expect you to call!

Jennifer starts cleaning up his room. We hear the front door open then close. Gathering the dirty clothes off his bed, she finds Brian's underwear that Justin stole. She freezes.

CUT TO: EXT. CITY ROAD - NIGHT
Brian and Michael driving in the Jeep. Brian is watching traffic, Michael is thumbing through the sports magazine Emmett gave him.

MICHAEL
We need a secret code word, like 'shaazam!', so that if I get in a tight spot you can come in and rescue me.

BRIAN
Tight spot. How about 'buttplug.'

MICHAEL
Buttplug might be a little hard to work into a conversation.

BRIAN
Because that's what you are, pretending you're one of them.

MICHAEL
I couldn't help it.

BRIAN
No, you could have told her the truth, instead of acting like a scared little faggot. You should have just said 'I take it up the ass, sweetheart. Deal with it.'

MICHAEL
Right. Right. By the way, I noticed you got the Jeep repainted.

Brian huffs.

CUT TO: EXT. SHOELESS JOE'S BAR - NIGHT
Straight couples are coming and going. The Jeep pulls up. Michael opens the door, but doesn't get out.

MICHAEL
My god. This place is like breeder central. [beat] Buttplug, buttplug, buttplug, buttpl--

Brian leans over to shove him out. Michael slams the door, unhappy.

BRIAN
See ya, Mikey. [drives away]

Michael stands on the sidewalk, flipping through the magazine.

CUT TO: INT. SHOELESS JOE'S BAR - NIGHT
A football game on a TV and country music on the jukebox. We follow a waitress delivering an order and come up on Michael walking in. He's looking around, shell-shocked.

MARLEY [OS]
Michael. Michael!

Michael turns to see Marley and Tracy at a table with HARV and another MAN. He walks over.

MARLEY
Where ya been? We thought you got lost.

MICHAEL
Some, uh, last minute business. [still looking around]

MARLEY
Slide it on in. Harv, move your hairy ass.

Man laughs.

Harv gives Michael a look, then stands.

MICHAEL
Thanks. [slides in next to Tracy]

HARV
What'll ya have?

MICHAEL
Uh ... same as everybody else.

MARLEY
Good choice. Uh, bring over another pitcher.

MICHAEL [OS]
Hi.

TRACY
Hi. Glad you could make it.

MARLEY
I told ya he'd be here. Didn't I? Not to worry.

TRACY
I wasn't worried.

MARLEY
Now, just make sure he's not seeing anyone before you get all [sugar voice] lovey-dovey. [laughs]

HARV
Marley, would you shut up and leave 'em alone?

MARLEY
[mouths] What?

TRACY
You're not seeing anyone, are you?

MICHAEL
Me? [beat]

Everyone anticipates.

MICHAEL
No.

TRACY
[brightly] Well, that's good. I mean...

MICHAEL
I understand. You don't wanna get involved with someone if they're involved already. [beat] So, are you?

TRACY
Seeing anyone? No, we just broke up.

MICHAEL
Oh. Sorry.

TRACY
Oh, don't be. He was a real doofus.

Everyone laughs.

TRACY
Only I didn't know it at the time. There's so much you don't know at the time.

MICHAEL
[laughs] Isn't that the truth.

TRACY
Like, can you believe he-he didn't even know how to fix a sink.

Everyone scoffs.

MICHAEL
Really.

TRACY
He called me at work saying, 'What should I do?' I said, 'I don't care what you do. Buy some cement, get a cork, use chewing gum, but plug it up!'

Everyone laughs.

MICHAEL
But plug... [laughs] buttplug. [laughs harder]

Everyone else exchanges 'oooh-kaay' looks.

CUT TO: INT. LINDSAY AND MELANIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Close-up of Brian holding a pen between his lips.

BRIAN
A million dollars?

Brian pulls the pen from his mouth and turns around. We see Lindsay sitting on the couch with Gus in her arms. Melanie is building a crib on the floor.

MELANIE
That's the general idea.

BRIAN
A million fucking dollars?!

LINDSAY
Brian, please. You'll wake the baby.

BRIAN
Well, the answer's no. Definitely not. [tosses the papers on the coffee table]

MELANIE
[scoffs as she stands] I don't understand the problem. I mean, Lindsay told me you offered to help support him.

LINDSAY
It was very generous.

BRIAN
Well, that's different than a life insurance policy.

Brian and Melanie walk over to sit on either side of Lindsay. Brian gently touches Gus's cheek.

MELANIE
It's simply in case something happens to you.

BRIAN
Like I'm decapitated at a railroad crossing. Or burned beyond recognition in some gas explosion. You know, I can just imagine the grizzly deaths you've conjured up for me.

MELANIE
Like, in case you get sick.

Brian stills. Beat.

BRIAN
Ah. Even better.

MELANIE
Considering your life. I mean, when's the last time you were tested?

BRIAN
[sharply] Six months ago. I was negative.

MELANIE
That's twenty-six weeks and a hundred and eighty-two one night stands.

BRIAN
You know, I've always admired people who could multiply in their heads. And I'm always careful.

LINDSAY
[to Brian] Look, this isn't for us. It's for our son. We need to make sure he'll be provided for.

BRIAN
And all I have to do is die!

MELANIE
[grabs the legal papers] Hopefully not before you sign these papers. [smiles]

Brian stares at her.

CUT TO: INT. SHOELESS JOE'S BAR - NIGHT
Marley laughing obnoxiously widens into the entire table laughing. The once-full pitcher of beer is now nearly gone. Michael is feeling good, but looking like he has no idea what he's laughing about.

HARV
We won't be laughing come Super Bowl time when we're up against the Titans.

MAN
We don't stand a chance.

MARLEY
[swats Man's arm] Don't say that.

TRACY
You've gotta believe. Right, Mike?

MICHAEL
Like Cher!

Sudden silence.

MAN
You watch football?

Beat.

MICHAEL
Constantly.

MAN
[laughs] So, uh, what do you think?

MICHAEL
What do I think? [beat] I think ... [obviously quoting from the magazine] due to free agency, we've lost some of our best players. Still, our defense is strong, but we need a new scheme from our offensive coordinator to move the ball.

Everyone is impressed.

MAN
[laughs] That's what I say.

Everyone laughs. Tracy kisses Michael's temple as he drinks his beer. His cellphone rings. Pulling it out of his pocket, he leans over the back of the booth.

MICHAEL
Hello, sports fans!

CUT TO: EXT. CITY ROAD - NIGHT
Brian driving in the Jeep, phone to his left ear.

BRIAN
I'm coming to get you.

CUT TO: INT. SHOELESS JOE'S BAR - NIGHT
Michael looks over his shoulder at the table.

MICHAEL
[quietly] It's okay. I'm having a really good time. She's really, really nice.

CUT TO: EXT. CITY ROAD - NIGHT

BRIAN
She's really nice? Do you think she and her friends would be really nice if they knew the little charade you were playing? They'd probably tie you to a fence and bash your brains in.

CUT TO: INT. SHOELESS JOE'S BAR - NIGHT

MICHAEL
They're not like that.

CUT TO: EXT. CITY ROAD - NIGHT

BRIAN
Not like that, huh?

CUT TO: INT. SHOELESS JOE'S BAR - NIGHT

BRIAN
[on the phone] Listen to me, Mikey. Are you listening?

MICHAEL
Yeah, I'm listening.

CUT TO: EXT. CITY ROAD - NIGHT

BRIAN
There's only two kinds of straight people in this world. The ones that hate you to your face and the ones that hate you behind your back. Now get the fuck out of there ... because I need you. [hangs up]

CUT TO: INT. SHOELESS JOE'S BAR - NIGHT
Michael hangs up, frowning, then looks back at the table.

CUT TO: INT. WOODY'S BAR - NIGHT
Emmett sings karaoke on-stage as the audience claps along. Brian and Michael walk in, arms around each other. As they stand and watch, Brian leans his head against Michael's. Ted is standing by a table, bouncing along to the music.

TED
Oh, yeah!

Brian is grinning until he catches sight of something off-screen. A second later, we see Justin's blond head turn and give Brian a huge smile from the bar.

JUSTIN
Hi!

BRIAN
Oh, shit. Just what I need. What's-his-name.

He and Michael walk further into the bar.

MICHAEL
Justin. His name is Justin. If I can remember it and I didn't even fuck him, why can't you?

BRIAN
Because I did.

Brian walks over to Justin, who's eating something crunchy. Brian bumps his shoulder, grabbing a beer from the bar. Justin grins and Brian returns it sarcastically.

BRIAN
So, Dawson, how are things down at the creek?

Emmett finishes his song and the audience cheers and applauds. Ted whistles. Behind him, Michael is clapping wildly.

EMMETT [OS]
Thank you, Pittsburgh. I love you.

Michael and Ted escort Emmett off the stage to continuous applause.

EMMETT
You know, for a skinny white boy, I made one fucking fabulous black woman.

Ted laughs as he leads Emmett to the bar where Brian and Justin wait.

TED
How about another round on me?

BRIAN
I got a better idea. Let's move on.

MICHAEL
What's wrong with here?

BRIAN
I've had everyone here.

TED
Yeah, my problem precisely.

MICHAEL
You haven't had me.

BRIAN
[smiles] Oh, yeah?

TED
What? Y-you never told us.

MICHAEL
There's nothing to tell.

Everyone looks to Brian.

BRIAN
We were up in his room. [loops his arm around Michael's shoulders] We were fourteen, fifteen tops. We were supposed to be studying, whatever. Only, we're not. We're looking at this trashy photo mag his mom swiped from the beauty parlor. Anyway, there's this shot of Patrick Swayze from Dirty Dancing ... without his shirt on.

Ted and Emmett moan.

BRIAN
So, I've got this hard-on just from looking at it, and I glance over at Mikey and guess what? [big grin] He's got one, too.

MICHAEL
Okay, you can stop now.

BRIAN
[laughs] Twin stiffies. I reach over. Start rubbing it. He's practically swooning. [drops voice] I pop it out, start stroking it. Nice and slow. We're both this close. Then ... his mom walks in without knocking.

Everyone laughs.

JUSTIN
They always do. Did she see you?

BRIAN
I don't see how she could have missed it.

MICHAEL
Only we didn't come, so it doesn't count.

JUSTIN
Oh, Dirty Dancing. That's a really old movie.

BRIAN
[snaps] What?

JUSTIN
I said that's a really old movie.

BRIAN
It's not that old.

JUSTIN
How old are you?

MICHAEL
Uh-oh.

Ted and Emmett look amused.

BRIAN
How old do you think I am?

Long pause.

JUSTIN
Thirty-three?

Ted snorts, Michael's eyes widen and Emmett laughs.

BRIAN
[to Justin] Fuck. You.

MICHAEL
He's twenty-nine.

BRIAN
And fuck you, too! [shoves Michael] What did you tell him for?

MICHAEL
Fair's fair.

TED
We all know what that means. A few months you'll be thirty. Might as well be dead.

Brian sets his beer on the bar.

BRIAN
Well, you outta know. You already are.

Brian leaves, Ted mimicking his last words.

CUT TO: EXT. WOODY'S BAR - NIGHT
Liberty Avenue is busy. Brian hurries down the stairs, Michael right behind him. They walk down the sidewalk.

MICHAEL
Oh, no, you don't! Come back here. You're not sticking us with that kid. He's your responsibility. Now, get back in there.

Brian stops and turns to get into Michael's face.

BRIAN
You know, I'm getting a little sick of people telling me what's my responsibility. If Lindsay and Melanie want to go off and have a kid, that's their responsibility. If what's-his-name, Justin, wants to go out and pick up guys while he's still in high school, that's his responsibility. My responsibility is to myself! I don't owe anybody a goddamn thing!

MICHAEL
Calm down!

Long pause. Brian hugs Michael.

BRIAN
I gotta go.

CUT TO: EXT. LIBERTY AVENUE - NIGHT
Brian guns the Jeep and drives off.

CUT TO: EXT. WOODY'S BAR - NIGHT
Michael, Emmett and Ted come down the stairs.

EMMETT
Anyone up for Babylon?

Justin appears at the top of the stairs, looking lost.

TED
I was thinking BoyToy. You know, I haven't been snubbed by a twinkie in weeks.

Emmett laughs. They start to walk down the sidewalk, Michael glancing back and seeing Justin.

MICHAEL
What about him?

TED [OS]
What about him?

Justin makes his way to the sidewalk. He stands, looking around.

MICHAEL
Well, we can't just leave him here.

TED
It's not our problem.

MICHAEL
He's mine?

TED
No, Brian's your problem.

EMMETT
Let him clean up his own mess for a change.

TED
And don't waste your Friday night babysitting.

They leave. Michael sighs. He looks over at Justin and locks gazes. Michael looks back to where Ted and Emmett went.

CUT TO: EXT. THE LIBERTY DINER - NIGHT
We follow a man in buttless pants into the crowded diner.

CUT TO: INT. THE LIBERTY DINER - NIGHT
Michael and Justin are sitting at the counter. Justin takes his jacket off.

JUSTIN
I came all the way here just to see him. He doesn't want anything to do with me.

MICHAEL
Yeah, well, the thing you gotta know about Brian is ... he's not your boyfriend. Brian doesn't do boyfriends.

JUSTIN
Yeah, well, you weren't there when we were doing it. You don't know all the things we did ... when he kissed me ... you don't know anything.

MICHAEL
I know this: Brian is a selfish prick who doesn't care about anyone but himself. If I were you, I'd just forget about him.

The waitress, DEBBIE, comes over with water.

DEBBIE
Hiya boys. Gettin' any tonight? [to Justin] I haven't seen you around here before. [pulls out her order pad]

MICHAEL
He's new.

DEBBIE
And cute. Every guy in the place has his eye on you tonight, sweetheart.

Justin looks around to check.

MICHAEL
Can we order?

DEBBIE
Shoot. Bet it'll be the first time tonight, am I right? [laughs]

Michael mock-laughs. Justin's eyes are wide at the two of them.

MICHAEL
I'll have the chicken fried steak, no remarks. And, uh, he'll have a bacon cheeseburger.

DEBBIE
Please?

MICHAEL
Please.

DEBBIE
[to Justin] Gotta keep your strength up, Sunshine. You can't cruise all night on an empty stomach. [affectionately swats his cheek as she leaves]

JUSTIN
What a freak! [laughs]

MICHAEL
Yeah, she takes some getting used to, but once you do, can't help but love her.

Debbie rejoins them.

DEBBIE
One chicken fried steak with no remarks, coming up in a flash.

MICHAEL
Thanks, mom.

DEBBIE
You're welcome, baby.

Michael leans over the counter to kiss and hug her. When they part to grin widely at him, we see Justin sitting there stunned. He gives them an embarrassed smile.

CUT TO: EXT. THE LIBERTY DINER - NIGHT
Michael and Justin walk out onto the sidewalk.

JUSTIN
You're, like, so lucky.

MICHAEL
I am?

JUSTIN
That your mom's cool about you being gay. If mine found out, she'd kill me.

MICHAEL
At least it gives her a sense of purpose. I mean, without me she'd be playing bingo instead of organizing Pride marches and handing out condoms. Do you need a ride?

JUSTIN
Uh, I borrowed a friend's car.

MICHAEL
Oh, you don't have a little Beemer of your own?

JUSTIN
I'm working on it.

MICHAEL
Just remember what I told you about Brian.

JUSTIN
If he's such a selfish prick, how come you're always following him around?

MICHAEL
I am not always following him around! We're best friends. We except each other for who we are, no judgments, no obligations. No questions asked.

JUSTIN
You're just waiting for him to finish jerking you off.

MICHAEL
What?!

JUSTIN
You never got off. That's why you're still hanging around after all these years.

MICHAEL
Go on, chicken. Back to your coop! [Justin starts to walk away] And don't go looking for him! It'll just make things worse.

Debbie comes out of the diner and joins Michael.

DEBBIE
Ready, sweetie?

Michael is staring after Justin. Debbie follows his gaze.

DEBBIE
Did he take off? [beat] Just as well. He was a li-ttle too young for you.

Michael's eyes widen before he rolls them and putting his arm around her. They walk off.

CUT TO: INT. LINDSAY AND MELANIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Lindsay, in her pajamas, is breastfeeding Gus in a rocking chair. The newly built crib is in the background.

MELANIE [OS]
Should I invite my cousin Rita?

LINDSAY
Which one's she?

We see Melanie on the bed, also in her pajamas and with glasses on.

MELANIE
You know, the one with the, uh, overbite who never approved of us.

LINDSAY
Ooh, her. Might as well. She probably won't come, anyway. [to Gus] Oh, that's my good boy.

MELANIE
You know, it's funny. I used to see those women feeding their kids and I'd think 'Uh, what a turn-off.' But watching you ... it's beautiful.

LINDSAY
You can't believe how connected you feel.

There's an uncomfortable silence. Lindsay stands to put Gus in his crib.

LINDSAY
Good night, sweetie. [crawls onto the bed and lays in Melanie's arms] Next time we'll feed him together. You can give him my breast.

MELANIE
[cups Lindsay's breast] It's so full.

She lays soft kisses on it, coming back up to kiss Lindsay's mouth. After a minute, they break apart.

MELANIE
I guess that's all we can do for now.

They chuckle. Lindsay smacks Melanie's thigh and they roll apart to get under the covers.

MELANIE
Oh, thirty-four guests. That's a lot.

LINDSAY
Not everyone will show.

MELANIE
Well, let's hope one in particular doesn't. [turns the light off]

CUT TO: INT. BRIAN'S LOFT - NIGHT
Brian at his computer as a picture of a cock downloads.

LINDSAY [VO]
I hope we weren't too hard on him.

CUT TO: INT. LINDSAY AND MELANIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Lindsay and Melanie talk in the dark.

MELANIE
Who, Brian?

LINDSAY
All that talk about the insurance. It almost sounded like we were hoping something might happen to him.

MELANIE
We're just being practical. I mean, he's the father, isn't he? It only makes sense that his son should be his beneficiary.

CUT TO: INT. BRIAN'S LOFT - NIGHT
Brian typing at his computer, hits send.

ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN
Is that a true 10 inches or is it digitally enhanced?

He smirks and waits for the answer.

CUT TO: INT. LINDSAY AND MELANIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

LINDSAY
I'm just saying maybe we should have waited until he was over the initial shock.

With a disbelieving sound, Melanie rolls over and turns on the bedside light.

MELANIE
What shock? You're the one who gave birth. All he did was show up with his latest trick.

LINDSAY
[sits up] At least he showed up.

MELANIE
Oh, Christ. It never ceases to amaze me.

LINDSAY
What?

MELANIE
The way you put up with his shit.

Gus fusses off-screen.

LINDSAY
Shh! [whispers] I don't put up with it.

MELANIE
Like hell!

LINDSAY
I understand it ... him.

MELANIE
What? That he's a bigger infant than his son?

LINDSAY
That he does exactly what he wants. No excuses, no apologies. I've always admired him for that.

MELANIE
Well, then, you can put up with it. I don't have to.

LINDSAY
Come on, let's go back to sleep. For an hour.

Melanie turns the light off and they lay back down.

CUT TO: INT. BRIAN'S LOFT - NIGHT
Brian at his computer. He pulls out a measuring tape and holds it up against the cock on the screen.

BRIAN
Yes.

We hear the measuring tape snap back.

CUT TO: EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - NIGHT
Michael is walking Debbie home.

DEBBIE
So, you going out cruising after you drop me off?

MICHAEL
No, I've been invited to an all-night orgy.

DEBBIE
Whoo! Sounds hot. [laughs]

MICHAEL
[long-suffering] If you must know, I am going back to my gay apartment, taking off my gay clothes, and getting into my gay bed.

DEBBIE
You're in a mood.

MICHAEL
It's goddamn Brian.

DEBBIE
What'd he do this time?

MICHAEL
Never mind.

DEBBIE
I wish you wouldn't let him get to you. [beat] But he always does. That's why I keep hoping that you'll meet somebody.

She stops and smiles at him. Michael rolls his eyes a little and she cups his chin. Debbie turns and notices house lights are on.

DEBBIE
Why are all the lights on?

She and Michael run up the steps and into the house.

DEBBIE
Something must be wrong with VIC. VIC!

CUT TO: INT. DEBBIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
We see Debbie's brother, VIC GRASSI, hunched over the kitchen table.

DEBBIE
Baby? Is everything all right?

Debbie runs in to sit at the table. Michael walks in and stands.

VIC
Just couldn't sleep. Hey, Mikey.

MICHAEL
Uncle Vic.

DEBBIE
Are you in pain?

VIC
Yeah.

DEBBIE
Where? Tell me.

VIC
My wallet. [hands her a paper]

DEBBIE
Holy shit!

MICHAEL
What is it?

DEBBIE
It's the MasterCard bill from our trip to Italy.

VIC
First class airline tickets. The Excelsior in Rome. The diamond and coral earrings I bought you in Capri. They're all there. The problem is, so am I.

DEBBIE
Don't say that! It's a miracle you're still alive.

VIC
It's a miracle how I'm gonna pay for all of this.

DEBBIE
Hustle?

Beat. Debbie and Vic laugh. Michael shakes his head, amused. Leaving them hugging, he goes upstairs to his old room and looks around. He walks over to a corkboard. We see the comics and postcards on it, then down to the army men and cowboys set up on a shelf below. Back up to the corkboard and the main attraction: an old color photo of Michael and Brian as teenagers. Cut to Michael opening the chest at the foot of the bed. He pulls an old magazine out from under some clothes, then sits on the chest.

TEEN BRIAN [VO]
Patrick Swayze is so hot.

Michael's eyes are closed as he slowly falls back onto the bed. He slips his hands inside his pants as he holds the magazine above his head.

TEEN BRIAN [VO]
I guess we'll have to take care of that.

Michael has mouthed the words.

CUT TO FLASHBACK
Teenage Brian and Michael are sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on Michael's bed. Brian, chewing gum, leans over to whisper in Michael's ear.

TEEN BRIAN
Patrick Swayze is so hot.

Shot of the magazine in Michael's hands as Brian takes it.

TEEN MICHAEL
I've seen Dirty Dancing, like, five times.

TEEN BRIAN
What I wouldn't give to fuck him.

TEEN MICHAEL
Don't say that, Brian.

TEEN BRIAN
You're so pathetic. [bumps shoulders] First I'd unzip his fly. Then I'd pull out his king-sized boner. Play with it, real slow.

TEEN MICHAEL
Oh, yeah?

Brian looks at Michael's lap.

TEEN BRIAN
Hey, Mikey ... you have a woody.

TEEN MICHAEL
I do not.

TEEN BRIAN
You do, too. We'll have to do something about that. [grins]

Brian lays Michael down and pulls open his 501 jeans. He's sliding his hand inside just as the sound of a door opens.

DEBBIE [OS]
Hi, babe!

Teen Michael jerks upright.

CUT TO PRESENT

Michael jerks upright, hand down his pants and magazine still in one hand.

MICHAEL
Ma! [pulls his hand out] Can't you knock?

Debbie walks by to pick up a box of clothes.

DEBBIE
I forgot to tell you we're having a yard sale, so if you wanna throw anything out ... [leans to see the magazine] Oh, don't tell me you still have a crush on him. [walks out]

CUT TO: INT. BRIAN'S LOFT - NIGHT
Close-up of Brian's stash box. He rifles through the various bags and vials of drugs before pulling out a small bag of white powder. He turns to check himself out in the full-length mirror. Smooths his shirt, runs his hands through his hair, turns sideways to adjust his jeans.

BRIAN
I'd fuck you.

Intercom sounds. Brian walks over and presses it.

BRIAN
Top floor. Come on up.

Cut to Brian sliding open the door. He's shocked to find Justin on the other side and not his trick.

BRIAN
Christ! What are you--

JUSTIN
Sorry. I don't wanna just--

BRIAN
You can't just drop by unannounced.

JUSTIN
I just wanna talk.

BRIAN
There's nothing to talk about.

JUSTIN
Please? I won't stay long. I ... I'll just--can I...

Justin tries to come inside, Brian stops him.

BRIAN
No.

Sound of footsteps and then we see a muscled guy, GEORGE, walking up the stairs to join them.

BRIAN
Oh, shit.

Justin turns to look. Brian eye-fucks George as he walks by.

GEORGE
The door was about to shut so I ... slipped in.

Justin watches the exchange, looking ill. George looks around the loft.

GEORGE
Penthouse. Not bad. [seeing Justin] Who's this?

BRIAN
[looking at Justin] No one.

JUSTIN
I have to see you.

BRIAN
I'm busy.

GEORGE
I don't mind a threesome. Although he's kind of young.

BRIAN
He's also kind of leaving.

JUSTIN
Who's he?

BRIAN
Forgive me for not introducing you. Justin, this is Mr. Goodfuk. Mr. Goodfuk, may I present Justin.

GEORGE
Name is George.

BRIAN
Sorry. George ... Goodfuk.

JUSTIN
You don't even know him.

BRIAN
Well, I was hoping to get to. Now why don't you just scamper on home.

Hurt, Justin leaves.

BRIAN
He's my stalker.

GEORGE
That wasn't very kind. What, sending him off, a kid that age, by himself at this time of night.

BRIAN
[laughs] Who are you, Father Goodfuk?

George waits. Brian frowns.

BRIAN
Oh, all right. Make yourself comfortable. [beat] And don't ... steal anything.

CUT TO: EXT. BRIAN'S LOFT - NIGHT
Brian bursts out onto the sidewalk where Justin is leaning forward into a lamppost. Hearing the door, Justin starts walking to the car at the curb. Brian follows.

BRIAN
Hey. Hey! I just left a complete stranger alone in my apartment to come talk to you. So don't run away from me.

Justin gets the driver's side door open. Brian pushes it closed.

BRIAN
We need to get something straight.

JUSTIN
You don't do boyfriends.

BRIAN
Oh, Mikey's been talking to you.

JUSTIN
You'll fuck anyone! He's ugly. You don't even know him. And I--I really love--

BRIAN
Justin ... I've had you. What happened last night ... it was for fun. You wanted me and I wanted you. That's all it was.

JUSTIN
A fuck?

BRIAN
Well, what did you think it was?

BRIAN
Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest. It's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in so that they can get laid. And then they end up hurting each other because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty little girl ... and get married.

JUSTIN
That's not what I want. I want you!

BRIAN
You can't have me. I'm too old ... you're too young for me. You're seventeen. I'm twenty-eight.

JUSTIN
[teary grin] Twenty-nine.

BRIAN
All right. Twenty-nine. All the more reason. Now go do your homework.

Brian slowly backs away. Justin starts crying and gets in the car. He drives away, leaving Brian still in the street. After a long moment, Brian walks back toward the doors.

FADE TO BLACK.

***
Queer as Folk and all its characters are a property of CowLip and Showtime. No copyright infringement is intended.