For Entertainment And Educational Purposes Only
Teen Angel
Series Premiere
"Marty Buys The Farm"
Original Airdate: 26-SEP-1997
Written by Mike Reiss & Al Jean. Directed by Andy Cadiff
© Courtesy of
Cloud 66.
Transcribed by Kathy Sims
[Scene: Steve and Marty are in Steve’s room. Marty’s wearing a red
tracksuit jacket, blue jeans and a black T-shirt. Steve’s clothes
aren’t important. Steve’s waving a baseball bat around and Marty’s
got one of those Koosh ball thingys that he’s bonging up and down
on one of it’s little
strings.]
Marty: Ok, Cindy Crawford, or Claudia Schiffer?
Steve: Claudia Chiffer.
[Marty throws the Koosh ball at Steve. He swings the bat and
misses.]
Marty: Claudia Schiffer, or Pamela Anderson?
[Marty picks up a football and throws that to.]
Steve: Pamela Anderson. [He swings and misses. Marty runs up to
Steve who drops the bat]
Marty: Ok, Pamela Anderson, or Pamela Lee?
Steve: They’re the same person.
Marty: Oh......[understanding] With a different name. Like Ketchup
and Catsup!
Steve: Yeah! [Marty flops on the bed]
Marty: You got anything to eat, man?
Steve: There’s some cold spaghetti in the refrigerator. [Makes a
weak attempt to get up. Thinks for a second]
Marty: Too far. [Flops back down]
Steve: I think there’s some corn chips underneath the bed.
Marty: [Rolls over] I’m there!
[He hangs upside-down over the bed and starts rooting around
underneath.]
Marty: Ugg, this is disgusting. You really should clean under here
once in a whi.....Oooo, a burger! [He grabs the burger wrapper and
jumps back onto the bed. He takes it out of the wrapper and bangs
it against the bedside cabinet. It makes a look knocking sound. He
gives it a disgusted look.]
Marty: How old do you think it is?
Steve: Well, it’s June, and that’s a Halloween wrapper.
Marty:[looks even more disgusted] That’s so rank. [ Turns to Steve] I
dare you to take a bite.
Steve: No, no, no way. The last time you dared me we both got
kicked out of Santa’s village.
Marty: I thought that elf was plastic! Poor little guy......But I
still dare ya.
[Holds out the burger. Steve takes it from him. He goes to take
a bite, but stops.]
Steve: No, no. Wait a second. You always dare me. And I always
do it. So this time I dare you....to eat......The Burger. [Holds out the
burger for Marty who takes it.]
Marty: [decisively] All right! I will! [Looks at it, then back at Steve] It’s
not like it’s gonna kill me.
[He give’s it a final look then takes a bite. He chews for a little while
and then a strange look comes over his face. As he continues to
chew, clouds appear outside the window and the room starts
to fall apart around him. He’s left standing among the clouds and
some lightning strikes. Everything stops moving and he looks down
to see that he’s now wearing white clothes and a silvery jacket. He
looks around and sees that there’s nothing but clouds around him.]
Marty: Oh, oh.
[An elevator door opens from nowhere with an angel inside.]
Marty: Uh, going up?
Angel: Good choice.
[The angel stands aside and lets Marty on. The doors close.]
[Opening titles.]
[Scene: Marty and the angel are in the elevator. Marty’s looking around]
Angel: First floor Seraphine. Second floor Cherubim. Third floor Starbucks.
Marty: Starbucks?
Angel: They’re everywhere, Honey.
Marty: I don’t get it. What’s going on here?
Angel: I’m afraid you’re dead.
Marty: [horrified] I’m dead! No fair! All I did was eat a scanky burger!
Angel: Oh, Marty, Marty. [Puts a comforting arm around him] I’ve been
doing this a long time, Hon. I know what you must be feeling, but don’t you
worry. The good have nothing to fear.
Marty: Oh oh!
Angel: Oh, here we are. Top floor. The Court of Eternal Judgment.
Marty: [ peers out of the door] Oh, I don’t like the sound of that.
Angel: [Pushes him out of the elevator] Out you go! [He lands on what looks
like a rock in space]
Marty: Cosmic! [The elevator doors close. He tries to get back in.]
No wait! [The doors vanish and he nearly falls off the rock.] Woah!
[Gets his balance enough to stop himself falling off.]
Voice: Marty DePolo. [Marty turns to see a giant head who will be known as
Heady from now on]. Come forward.
Marty: Don’t eat me!
Heady:[surprised] I’m not gonna eat you! Marty, you have a good soul, but
you could never stay out of trouble.
Marty: I know. [Hangs his head]
Heady: I is only because of your extreme youth that we are considering
your admission into Heaven.
Marty: All right! Tried as a minor!
Heady: If you don’t settle down....I just might eat you.
Marty: Sorry.[drops his head again]
Heady: However, you still must prove yourself worthy. We have a mission
that only you can accomplish.
Marty: Me?
Heady: Your friend, Steve Beauchamp, is going through the worst time of
his life.
Marty: [sadly] My death.
Heady: No, his puberty. Just see for yourself. [A bubble type viewing
device floats across the sky. Inside we can see Steve is lying on his bed
being covered with orange silly string by his little sister. Scene cuts to
Steve’s room]
Judy: Katie? [Katie stops spraying Steve and gives a look as though to say
‘Oh oh, I’m in for it now]. What are you doing?
Katie: Playing with my brother? [Judy holds out her hand for the silly string
can. Katie squirts Steve one last time before handing it over and leaving.]
Judy: Steve, I thought we could all go out for some ice-cream.
Steve: No, I think I’ll stay here.
Judy: Oh, Steve, Sweety. [She sits next to him]. Summer is almost over
and you’ve barely left this room. Is there anything I can do?
Steve: No, I’ve had a lot of fun right here. I sleep. Of course, I have my
soaps, and I’ve been playing battle ship by myself.
Judy: Can you do that?
Steve: No, no, you really can’t.
[Cut back to Marty]
Marty: Oh, my poor bud!
Heady: This is a very vulnerable time in Steve’s life. His parents are
divorced. His family’s struggling to make ends meet, and now he’s lost
his best friend. Marty, we want you to be his guardian angel.
Marty: Me? I’m sorry, you’re making a big mistake. [Starts to walk off]
Heady: Hey! We don’t make mistakes! [Marty stops and turns back] Well,
there was the Bubonic plague......oh, and that awful Chevy Chase show,
eww. But this is not a mistake. Right now Steve needs someone to talk to,
and that someone is you.
Marty: Alright. I’ll give it a shot.
Heady: You’ll give it a shot. Boy, if you screw this up you will go directly
to ‘The Other Place’.
Marty: The Mitchell corn place in Mitchell south Decocta?
Heady: No, why would I send you to.........I’m talking about ‘The Other
Place’.
Marty: Oh no. Not that!
Heady: You might like it. [A red door with ‘fire’ written on it appears and
opens to reveal flames inside.] There are lots of rock stars there. [Cue
electric guitar music]. Hahahahahaha
Marty: No! I wanna help Steve! He’s my friend! Please Mr...........Head.
Heady: Hmm.......As Steve’s guardian angel you will have many powers.
You will be invisible to all but Steve. You will have the ability to walk
through any wall.
Marty: Any wall?
Heady: Well, not thick walls. But certainly through any apartment built after
1957. Now go forth and help your friend.
Marty: I’ll do my best God. [turns to leave but stops and turns back] You
are God, aren’t you?
Heady: Well, um, no. I’m God’s cousin, Rod. But I got this job on my own
merits.
[Scene: Steve’s room. He’s sprawled out over his bed looking a mess with
his alarm clock ringing. He switches it off, rolls out of bed and sleepily
makes his way across the room to his wardrobe with the giant mirror
on it. He opens it up and Marty’s inside with a bright white light
behind him]
Steve: Agghhhh! [Quickly shuts the door. He very slowly and carefully
opens it again and Marty’s still inside minus the bright light.]
Steve: Marty?
Marty: [sings] Just call me angel of the morning, Baby! [steps out of
the closet]
Steve: You’re an angel?
Marty: Not just any angel. I’m your guardian angel. I’m ford
certified in all 50 states. And Porto Rico!
Steve: No, no, wait a minute. This isn’t happening to me. [Steve
slaps himself across the face a few times.]
Marty: No, no, it’s true, check it out! I’ve got retractable wings!
[He turns to show Steve his wings and retracts them a couple of
times.] Come on. Feel it.
Steve: Nah, a guy doesn’t feel another guy’s wings, man.
Marty: Come on. Get with the times.
Steve: Yeah, alright. [He touches one of Marty’s wings.] Oh my Gosh!
[Marty retracts them again] Now, wait a second. If you really are
Marty, then what did you nominate for class motto? [Marty raises both
his hands to his face and blows a raspberry into them] It is you!
[They hug] I missed
you, man. You’ve been gone all summer.
Marty: I have? How are my Mom and Dad?
Steve: They’re great. They sued Burger World for poisoning you and
collected 11 million dollars.
Marty: I am a great son.
Steve: [He runs and get a paper bag off the floor] And thanks to you
every Burger World bag now carries this warning.
Marty: [reading] Burgers may not be safe to eat after 6 months.
[proudly] Wow. My life was not in vain.
Steve: Yeah! So, why are you here?
Marty: The forces of Heaven sent me here to set you on the path to
a good and noble life.
Steve: How are you gonna do that?
Marty: I don’t know!
[Scene: Steve’s kitchen. Judy’s wearing a blue silky nighty and Katie’s
eating breakfast. Aunt Pam comes in wearing a black dressing gown.]
Judy: Good morning, Pam.
Pam: Sis, you look better first thing in the morning than I did at my prom.
Judy: Well, I try.
Pam: Well, I don’t. [Steve comes bouncing in]
Steve: Morning one and all!
Judy: Hey, you’re in a good mood today.
Pam: Check his pupils.
Steve: Look, I know I’ve been bummed out all summer about Marty, but I
realise he’s gone to a better place. [Judy opens the fridge and we see a
half visible Marty sitting in there eating a tomato]
Marty: Wow! Your mom’s hot! [Steve waves his hands around and mouths
the words ‘shut up’. Judy shuts the door and Marty waves good-bye. He
then walks through the fridge door] Relax!
Steve: Relax?
Marty: Yeah! Except for you, no human can see me, [walks in front of Pam]
or hear me [sits in between Pam and Katie]. But I can be reached on the
Internet. w w w -dot-angel-dot-Marty-dot-cooldude-dot-com.
Judy: Oh, this poor plant. [She picks up a dead plant and puts it on the
table.] I guess your father was the gardener around here. Steve, could you
throw this in the trash on your way out? [Marty gets up and walks over to
the plant]
Marty: This looks like a job for ‘Teen Angel’.[He snaps his fingers and the
plant suddenly grows] Behold! I just saved your mom a dollar 95.
[Commercial Break]
[Scene: The school hall. Steve and Marty walk around the corner together.
Marty’s greeting everyone he passes.]
Marty: Hi! Hey! Good Morning! It’s great to be here. Oh, hey, nice hair
cut. NOT!
[The twins turn around from facing the wall.]
Twins: [With a synchronised wave] Hi Steve!
Marty: Looks like the Allson twins let themselves go. [We can see the
School Bully Kyle knocking books out of peoples hands]
Steve: Oh, no. Kyle Burgstrum, man.
Marty: [fake sympathy] Poor Kyle. Too dumb to graduate, too old to join the
Marines.
Steve: You know, somebody should teach that guy a lesson. [Marty looks
at him] Well, not me of course. [Kyle walks along and right through Marty]
Marty: Eww, that felt greasy. [He dusts himself off and sort of ripples (sorry,
that’s the only way I know how to describe it)]
Kyle: Hello, Beauchump. You know, I hear you’re dropping algebra. [He
brings his hand down on Steve’s book and it falls to the floor. He then
starts to walk off laughing.]
Steve: You know, the joke’s on him......’cause that’s my biology book.
Marty: You’ve gotta stand up for yourself, man. Don’t worry. I’m here to
help you. [He skips down the hall to where Kyle is just closing his locker.
Marty opens the locker in front of him and Kyle walks right into it.]
Kyle: Ow!
Marty: [Puts his hands together, looking very angelic] Kyle, you’ve been
touched by and angel.
Steve: Thanks, man!
Marty: Oh, that’s just the beginning. As soon as I start working my angel
magic on you, you’re gonna be hanging out with that crowd. [He points
down the hall and we can see some janitors walking towards them]
Steve: What, the Janitors? [The janitors move out of the way and we can
see some cool kids behind them.]
Marty: No! Look, them. Over there. Jordan Labelle and his buds. The cool
kids.
Steve: Sure, they’re cool now. But where will they be in 20 years?
Marty: Well lets see. [Marty snaps his fingers and everything freezes.
Jordan, the cheerleader and the other guy come out of the freeze.]
Cheerleader: I’m going to be a supermodel and marry an 80 year old
billionaire.
Jordan: I’m going to be vice-president of the United States.
Guy: I’m going to sell shoes to the vice-president of the United States.
Steve: Wow, they are cool! Except for Shoe Boy.
[Scene: Class room. Steve’s sitting at his desk and Marty’s sitting on the
top of the desk beside him. The teacher, Mr Nitzke, walks in.]
Nitzke: Good morning boys and girls. My name is Mr Nitzke, [he writes it
on the black board] and this is American History 101. [He uses a smiley
face to dot the i in ‘Nitzke’] Now, since we can’t afford flashy new text
books every time to see the word ‘Indian’ think ‘Native America’. And don’t
be alarmed when they refer to 1972 as the future. [He spots Steve and
makes his way towards him.] Well, well, well. Steve Beauchamp. I guess
the old adage is correct. Those who fail history are doomed to repeat it.
[He walks back toward the front and Marty jumps up from where he was
sitting]
Marty: You don’t have to take that man. Stand up for yourself!
Steve: I didn’t fail.
Nitzke: [sounds surprised] Excuse me?
Steve: I said, I didn’t fail the course, Mr Nitzke. I missed the final, ‘cause I,
[looks at Marty] I had some personal problems.
Nitzke: Well, [comes right up close to Steve] I’m your personal problem
now.
Marty: Alright. That’s it! [goes up to the front] Let’s get ready to rumble!
Nitzke: [pulls down a map from above the board.] Our journey begins here,
[Marty mimics him] in James town, Virginia. [Marty points up and the map
rolls back up to where it was. The class laughs. Nitzke pulls the map
back down and Marty holds up two fingers to Steve as if to say ‘Take 2'] As
I was saying, [Marty points up and the map goes up again. The class
laughs again.] I fail to see the humour in this.[He pulls it down again and
there’s a blue piece of paper stuck to the map which reads ‘Nitzke is a
weiner’]
Twins: Weiner!
Nitzke: Settle! Which of you genuses is responsible for this?
Marty: [Walks right up in front of him] Me. I did it. Me.
Nitzke: Alright. [He walks around and sits on his desk, closely followed by
Marty.] I’m just going to sit here and wait until the guilty party comes
forward. I can wait as long as you can. [Marty mimics him. Steve laughs.
Nitzke jumps up] Oh! You think this is funny?
Steve: No. No, I don’t.
Marty: [trying to do a Mr Nitzke voice] Oh, do you think THIS is funny. [He
grabs Nitzke’s head and kisses him on the cheek. Steve laughs again.]
Nitzke: That’s it! [Marty continues blowing kisses] You’re all getting a test
tomorrow. [Marty stops and looks worried] Chapter 6, the Monroe doctrine.
It’ll count as half your grade and you have Mr Beauchamp here to thank
for it. [The class turn to him and give him evil looks.]
[Scene: Just after the lesson, Steve’s coming out of the classroom and
Marty’s sitting on the trash can.]
Steve: Thanks a lot, man.
Marty: Hey, Nitzke’s a dork. Don’t worry about it.
Jordan: Man, I had three dates lined up for tonight.......and now I have to
cancel two.
Twin 1: Nice play Shakespeare.
Twin 2: Smooth move ex-lax. [They turn around and walk off. Kyle
approaches]
Kyle: Just thought you should know, you’re a dead man.
Marty: Duh! Oh, you mean him!
Steve: You’re supposed to be my guardian angel. You’re ruining my life.
Marty: I’m just having fun, man.
Steve: Somehow, every time you have fun I get in trouble.
Marty: But I can fix it!
Steve: No, don’t fix anything. Just leave me alone. [He walks off leaving
Marty alone on the trash can.]
Heady’s voice: Marty DePolo! [Heady appears as the mask in the drama
club poster next to the bin] I’ll see you in my office, now!
Marty: You look great. Did you lost weight?
Heady: Office! You! Now!
[Scene: Marty’s sitting on the rock in Space dropping stones off the edge
and watching them fall. When he realises how far down it is he jumps
away from the edge.]
Heady: Making fun of the history teacher. Do you think that’s your mission
from God?
Marty: Look, I’m really sorry. I know I screwed up, but I think I can be a
pretty fine guardian angel.
Heady: Well, you could help Kelsey Grammer. Do you know he’s gone
through 4 guardian angels in the past week, and I hear one of them’s in
rehab.
Marty: No! I wanna help Steve! He’s my bud, and isn’t this the place where
everybody gets a second chance?
Heady: No! You’re thinking of the Arkensaw Bar exam you fool.
Marty: [sadly] So I can’t help Steve?
Heady: Look, Marty. I think you have potential, but it’s not me you have to
convince, it’s Steve.
Marty: Gotcha! I will not let you down. [Walks off, but then comes back] Or
if I do let you down I’ll have a very good excuse.
Heady: Just get out!
Marty: Ok. [Goes off again]
[Scene: Steve’s house. The living room. Pam’s sitting on the couch
reading a newspaper. Judy’s messing around with her now blooming
plant. Steve comes in looking depressed.]
Judy: Steve, can you believe it? Look at how this thing has grown! [The
plant lifts up its leaves while Judy isn’t looking (It’s alive!!!!!!)]
Steve: It’s great, Mom. [He sits down next to Pam and picks up a
magazine.]
Pam: Rough day, kiddo?
Steve: Oh, worse than you can possibly imagine.
Pam: I work at the post office. I can imagine pretty bad.
Judy: But you were in such a good mood this morning. What happened?
Steve: I really can’t tell you. [He gets up and starts to go to his room.]
Judy: I wish I knew what to do. You know, Marty always used to cheer you
up at times like this.
Steve: Yeah, he used to.
Judy: Well, wherever he is now, I’m sure he’s looking out for you.
Pam: If you ask me wherever Marty is now it’s very hot and he’s being
poked by a pitch-fork.
Katie: Help! Help! [Katie is all tangled up in the plant (It’s alive I tell you!
Alive!!!)]
Judy: Oh, Katie. [She runs to help her] Oh my gosh!
Steve: Mom, look out, I got it. [He picks up a foot ball (rugby ball to the
British readers) and throws it at the plant, but misses and hits Judy on the
nose.]
Judy: [clutching her nose] Ow, my nose!
[Scene: Steve’s room. He’s lying on his bed with some books and a pencil.
A teddy bear sitting on his cabinet floats over to him.]
Bear: Hey, Yogi! Sorry I made a Boo boo!
Steve: Just leave me alone. I’m trying to study. [ The bear turns into Marty]
Marty: Look, I’m really, really sorry for everything that’s happened, but I
know I can help.
Steve: No, I don’t want your help.
Marty: Oh, come on. We’ve been in some jams before, but everything’s
always come out OK. [Steve gives him an ‘aren’t you forgetting something’
look] Except for the time I ate the hamburger and croaked. But I’ve been
giving this a lot of thought a I think I’ve got the answer. Please give me
one more shot.
Steve: OK.
Marty: Thanks buddy. [He spreads out his wings] Up, up, and away! [He
goes upwards, we hear a crash and some feather fall to the ground.] Stupid
ceiling fan!
[Scene: Nitzke’s bedroom. Nitzke is asleep in his bed. Marty appears and
speaks in a ghostly voice.]
Marty: Mr Nitzke........Mr Nitzke......wake up....dude! [He gives up and hits
him over the head with a newspaper. He wakes up with a start. A
transparent James Monroe is standing at the foot of the bed.]
James: It is I, James Monroe. 5th president of the United States.
Nitzke: I can’t believe this.
James: I understand you’re giving a test on my Monroe doctrine tomorrow.
Nitzke: Well yes! The students were acting up so I....
James: Silence! My doctrine was meant to help America. Not terrorise
innocent school children!
Nitzke: I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
James: Call of the test, or answer to me.
Nitzke: But I’ve already written it up. [Monroe’s head turns into a giant
insect/alien type thing and Nitzke screams and dives for cover under his
pillow.]
[Scene: Classroom. Everyone’s sitting in silence, reading. Nitzke comes
in looking shaken and scared. The door slams behind him and he nearly
jumps out of his skin. Everyone quickly slams their books shut.]
Nitzke: [sounds really shaken] To...today’s test on the Monroe......Monroe
doctrine is can.....cancelled. [The whole class cheers apart from Steve.
Marty appears from behind Nitzke’s desk and throws his hands up in
victory, but Steve runs to the front of the class.]
Steve: No, no, no, no, wait a second, Mr Nitzke. I don’t think that’s fair.
Marty: What are you doing, man?
Steve: I’m standing up for myself. We all studied really hard for that test,
and I think we deserve the credit for the work we did.
Nitzke: Fine. Everybody gets an A. [Everyone cheers!] Now, if anyone
needs me I’ll be in the teacher’s lounge watching the fish tank. [He leaves]
Kyle: Alright! Thanks Beauchimp.
Steve: Will you stop calling me names, like Beauchimp, or Beauchump, or
Blowchunks.
Kyle: Hee hee, Blow Chunks. That’s a good one. Mind if I use it?
Steve: No, it’s yours.
Twin 1: Nice play, Shakespeare.
Twin 2: Smooth move ex-lax. [They both give him a thumbs up and walk off.
Jordan comes up.]
Jordan: Nicely done.
Steve: Thank you Mr Vice-president.
Jordan: Huh?
Steve: You’ll find out later. [Everyone leaves the classroom leaving Steve
and Marty alone.] I don’t know how you did it, but you did it.
Marty: So am I back on the team?
Steve: Absolutely! [They go to hug, but think ‘maybe not’, then think, ‘oh, go
on’ and hug anyway. Steve goes to leave but turns around with a puzzled
look on his face.]
Steve: Hey, are you stuck in those same clothes forever?
Marty: Yeah! I’m just like Gilligan! [Steve smiles then leaves.]
[Tag scene: Mary and James Monroe are in the classroom.]
Marty: Hey! Thanks for everything Mr President.
James: Glad to be of service, son.
Marty: Say hi to your wife Dolly for me.
James: I’m not James Madison.
Marty: Oh, right, sure. But are you on a coin or something?
James: No. I was briefly on the 30 cents stamp.
Marty: Well hey, that’s great. [turns away]
End Of Pilot
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