No Prologue
Begin Act I (7:04)
[Act I, Scene 1. Dorm Hallway.]
(Zack enters, carrying luggage.)
Zack
(to camera) Well, here we are! California University! That’s right,
I’m in college now! Living in a co-ed dorm. Now the operative word here is
"co-ed." Now that means chicks everywhere. (Two
women walk by, wearing towels.) Excuse me, ladies. I was just about to do a
load of laundry. Can I wash those towels for you?
Woman #1
In your dreams! (They walk off.)
[Girls’ Room]
(Zack enters.)
Zack
Aha. (sets down luggage.) Wait a minute... how can I live in a room
without a jacuzzi? (lies down on bed. Leslie and Alex enter.)
Leslie
What are you doing on my bed?
Zack
Your bed? Oh, this is one lucky piece of furniture.
Alex
Hi, I’m Alex Tabor, theatre arts major.
Zack
Hi, I’m Zack Morris, I’ll be your cruise director.
Leslie
Who does this guy think he is? Now, what are you doing in our room?
Zack
Our room? Yes!
Leslie
No, my room.
Zack
Well, there’s three of us, there’s three beds, what’s the problem?
Leslie
You are! Get out!
Zack
I was given Room 218. And believe me, ladies, believe me, I am not the kind
of guy to break the rules.
Alex
Right suite, wrong room. Not that I would throw you out, in fact I think
you’re kind of cute, I mean maybe we could work something out, you could...
Leslie
Alex! (Danielle enters.)
Danielle
Hi! I’m Danielle Marks.
Zack
Hi, Zack Morris. Welcome to our room.
Danielle
I’m rooming with two girls.
Zack
What a coincidence! So am I.
Leslie
Get out!
Zack
(goes to leave, turns around) Y’know... (Leslie shoves suitcase at
him) That’s what I forgot!
[Common Room]
(Zack enters from Girls’ Room.)
Zack
(to camera) Well, I’ve been here for less than an hour, and I’ve
already been kicked out of a woman’s room! Am I college material, or
what?
[Guys’ Room]
(Slater at bookshelf, Zack enters.)
Zack
Heyyy, Slater!
Slater
Hey, preppie...
Zack
Hey...
Slater
...what’s up? You just get here?
Zack
Yeah, I was across the hall, falling in love.
Slater
Ohh, the tall one, right?
Zack
Oh yeah, Leslie. Hey, if I would’ve known college was this good, I would
have skipped high school. But... you’re not going to leave these weights all
over the room, are you?
Slater
Why not?
Zack
Slater. We’re living with women now. And women don’t want to be climbing
over sweaty, smelly gym equipment to get to us.
Slater
Gotcha. I’ll stow it.
Zack
Okay.
Slater
We’re college men now, and everything in this room is going to be to the
height of coolness. (Screech enters.)
Screech
Hello!
Zack and Slater
Screech.
Screech
I know, I know, I was supposed to be in 318, but I pulled some strings.
Aren’t you proud of me, Zack?
Zack
Uh-huh.
Screech
The three musketeers, back together again! (Screech goes to unpack)
Slater
(to Zack) Well, at least we’ll never run out of nasal spray.
Zack
Ohhh.... Ah, it’s gonna be great, Slater. Total freedom.
We’re completely on our own!
Slater
Yeah, finally, we’re masters of our own destiny.
Zack
That’s right.
Slater
No parents to tell us what to do, or when to wake up or go to sleep. Right,
Screech?
Screech
(to phone) Hello, Mom? When are you coming to visit? I’m homesick!
Zack
(to Slater) He’s your friend.
Slater
That’s your friend.
Zack
No....
[ACT I, SCENE 2. Student Union]
(Slater working, Zack enters.)
Zack
Hey, buddy.
Slater
Hey, what’s up?
Zack
Shouldn’t you be wearing a hair net?
Slater
Very funny, preppie.
Zack
Ah, hey, you missed a spot!
Slater
You know, my wrestling scholarship doesn’t cover everything. Some of us have
to work.
Zack
Yeah, yeah.
Sonya
Excuse me...
Slater
Now the college girls always get the hots for the guys that work at the
Student Union. Watch this. (to Girl) Hi. I’m A.C. Slater, who are you?
Sonya
I’m hungry, and this table is filthy.
Zack
Now in some cultures, that would mean, "Your place or mine?" Not on this
planet. (Zack goes to table with Leslie, Alex, and Danielle.)
Zack
Why, hello ladies! Did you miss me?
Leslie
As much as I miss my acne.
Zack
So, where are you guys all from?
Danielle
D.C., Oregon, and San Francisco.
Zack
San Francisco? Oh, that’s just over the bridge.
Leslie
Oh, you must be a geography major.
Zack
Actually, it was investment banking, but all my heroes are in jail.
Alex
Wow, what a coincidence, you know Leslie is a finance major, too!
Zack
Amazing! When can I buy you dinner?
Leslie
Right now! (hands him the check) Thanks! I had a great time.
(Leslie, Alex, Danielle exit.)
[ACT I, SCENE 3. Guys’ Room]
(Zack wearing only boxer shorts, Slater
wearing shorts and lifting weights, Screech at computer wearing only boxer
shorts and tank top.)
Zack
Well, Screech, what can you tell me about the Russian Revolution?
Screech
I think the Russians won!
Zack
I can’t believe this. I have to read two hundred pages of history by
tomorrow. Don’t they have a video on this?
Slater
Zack, this is college. People actually read the books before they become
movies. (Leslie enters, wearing only a towel.)
Screech
A girl!
Zack
Leslie! (the guys try to cover up) Welcome to my underwear! I mean,
my room.
Leslie
Who used all my "Soft ‘n’ Sassy" shampoo?
Slater
Oh, well, if it’s soft and sassy, then it must be Zack.
Zack
I’m sorry, I-I didn’t know it was yours.
Leslie
I’ll make you a deal, you don’t use my shampoo, and I won’t use your razor.
Zack
Okay.
Leslie
You do use a razor, don’t you, Zack?
Screech
Oh, yes, once a week, whether he needs it or not!
Leslie
Zack, are you blushing?
Zack
Oh, Leslie! Leslie, please! I mean, give me some credit for a certain amount
of sophistication. (picks up candy bag) Gummi bear?
Slater
Smooth, preppie.
Leslie
Look, guys, we’re going to be together for a year, maybe we should set some
ground rules? Meet us in the living room in ten minutes.
Screech
Should we wear towels, too? (Leslie exits.)
[ACT I, SCENE 4. Common Room]
(Danielle at fridge, Alex sitting,
Zack, Screech, and Slater tossing football. Leslie enters.)
Leslie
Guys! Guys, guys! (catches football) Look, since this is our common
room, we should all decide how we’re going to decorate it.
Zack
Why don’t we just let everyone put whatever they want up? (to
Screech) But no Ninja Turtles! (Knock at door. Screech answers, Mike
enters.)
Mike
What’s happening, guys?
Screech
It’s Ohio, and it talks!
Mike
Hi, I’m Mr. Rogers.
Screech
Oh, I watch you every morning. You’re a lot bigger in person.
Mike
It’s Michael Rogers, and I’m your Resident Director. I just want to take
this opportunity to welcome you all to my dorm. If you’ve got any problems, any
questions, any... anything, you come to me!
Screech
So, you’re kind of like our mom!
Mike
Your mom? Did your mom play linebacker for the 49’ers?
Screech
Well she tried to, but she was cut.
Zack
Michael. Can I call you Mike? I’m Zack Morris, I’m sort of like the
unofficial spokesman for the suite, now we’re here to make your life easier.
Anything at all that you...
Mike
Cool it, kid. I’ve seen it, lived it, and done it all. So please, don’t
think you can con me.
Zack
Me? Con you? A man with such obvious intellectual gifts? (puts hand on
Mike’s forearm) What have you got in there, a bowling ball?
Mike
Okay, these are the dorm rules. And do us all a favor, pay particular
attention to the first two. (passes out rule sheets) No loud parties
during the week, and no alcohol on the premises.
Screech
What happens if you break one?
Mike
Break one of my rules? (laughs) What do you think happens?
Screech
You squeeze the life out of us with your bare hands?
Mike
Works for me!
[ACT I, SCENE 5. Gymnasium.]
(Wrestling practice. Slater wrestling in
front of team.)
Coach
Come on, Slater, you’re better than that, you’re supposed to be a State
Champ! Now let’s try it again, here we go. (blows whistle) No, you gotta
get faster, Slater, gotta focus now, come one, head down now, stay low. You
gotta get quicker, son.
Slater
Uh! (Slater is pinned.)
Coach
Listen, A.C., this is the big leagues here. This ain’t the Gorgeous Ladies
of Wrestling. Now why don’t you take a break, it looks like you need it.
Alright? Let’s give me the next two up here, come on....
Slater
Screech? What are you doing here?
Screech
Me? Ah, nothing, I was just admiring all the championship banners. How many
are there? You must have had a much better view than me.
Slater
Screech, you never saw me lying on that mat.
Screech
Oh, absolutely not! Everyone knows A.C. Slater’s never been pinned!
Slater
Listen to me, Screech, don’t tell anyone I got pinned, okay?
Screech
You know me, I can keep a secret. (Screech exits.)
End Act I
Begin Act II (6:45)
[ACT II, SCENE 1. Guys’ Room]
(Zack and Slater studying, Screech on
the phone.)
Screech
(on phone) Hi Mom! What’d you have for dinner? Mmmm.. pot roast! Oh,
send me some! Why do you have to go? I’m your only son! Wheel of
Fortune’s on every night! Hello? Hello?
Slater
Hey, will you shut up, Screech? Please, I’m trying to study! Man, it’s bad
enough I’m burnt from wrestling practice.
Zack
What’d, you have some troubles on the mats?
Screech
Oh no, he’s right at home on the mats.
Slater
Nawww, things are going great.
Zack
Oh yeah? So you’re kicking some butt down there, huh?
Slater
Yeahh, who do you think you’re talking to? Not a guy’s laid a hand on me.
Heh, much like you and Leslie.
Zack
Oh. Oh, no no no no, you must be kidding because that girl is just ready to
fall. I just need some more time to impress her.
Screech
It’s only a four-year college, Zack. (knock on door.)
Zack
(mutters) ...it’s only a four year college!... (opens door)
Yeah? (Alex and Danielle enter)
Alex
Hi!
Zack
Hi.
Danielle
Hey, ah, tomorrow’s Leslie’s 18th birthday and we’re going to
have a cake for her.
Slater
Ah, cool.
Alex
Of course I don’t eat cake because it has sugar. You ever notice people that
eat sugar? They just talk and talk and talk and talk, they never shut up. Me,
I’m just a less...
Zack
Alex! Are you related to that Energizer Bunny?
Danielle
We’ll... see you tomorrow... eight o’clock? Okay?
Slater
Okay, great. (Alex and Danielle exit.)
Zack
Well, tomorrow’s Leslie’s birthday! Do you know what that means, guys?
Screech
She’s a Virgo with a Leo rising?
Zack
No. It means we gotta do something special for her. It’s party time!
ZACK, SCREECH, and SLATER
Yeaahhhh!
[ACT II, SCENE 2. Common Room]
(Party going on. Slater and Zack
hanging out, Screech serving drinks.)
Slater
Ri-ight! Great party, man, great party!
Zack
Oh yeah, I can’t wait to see Leslie’s face. (Cut to Screech and Woman at
punch bowl.)
Screech
Hi, would you like something to drink?
Woman
Thanks. Hey, aren’t you in my computer lab?
Screech
I-I think so.
Woman
Sure you are, you blew me away today! You know more about the Cypress 700
than the professor!
Screech
Well, you know, computer science is my thing. Are you interested in
cybernetics?
Woman
Yeah. But I’m more interested in having a slow dance with you.
Screech
Yiikes! (Leslie, Alex, and Danielle enter.)
Leslie
What’s going on here?
Alex
Well, I could be wrong, but it looks like your birthday party.
Zack
Leslie! Happy Birthday! I didn’t know what to get you for a present, so...
Leslie
Who are all these people?
Zack
Ahh, it’s just a few friends, and their friends, and their friends’
friends...
Screech
...and their cousins’ friends!
Zack
Ah ah! You don’t have to thank me, I just wanted to show you how much I
really...
Guy
Let’s dance! (grabs Leslie)
Danielle
What do you think you’re doing? This cake is supposed to be for everybody.
Who invited this pig?
Slater
Danielle, it’s okay! This pig is on my wrestling team!
Danielle
He’s going to be wrestling me if he doesn’t give me that cake!
Wrestler
Whoa, Slater, she’s tough, man. Maybe you could get her to teach you a few
moves.
Slater
What, is there something funny about the way I wrestle?
Wrestler
Oh, yeah, the coach thinks so. Says you remind him of his- his car mechanic,
always on your back.
Slater
(to Screech) That’s it, man. I don’t need this abuse. I’m going to
quit the team. I don’t want to be a dumb jock anymore. (Slater walks
off.)
Screech
Never seemed to bother him in high school! (Cut to Leslie dancing with
Guy.)
Zack
(to Guy) Ah, may I?
Guy
Sure. Hold this.
Zack
Hey, buddy, there’s no drinking in here, alright? (Mike enters.) Mr.
Rogers!
Mike
Hi.
Slater
Ah, we were just having a... study group.
Mike
Looks to me like you’re having a party. And, that looks like a beer.
(shouts) This party’s over! I want everybody out! (Everyone
exits.)
[Common Room]
(Zack, Slater, Screech, Alex, Danielle, Leslie seated,
Mike lecturing them.)
Mike
The question is, what am I going to do with you guys?
Zack
Mr. Rogers, like I said, this is really all my fault!
Mike
Oh, I’ve got no doubt about that, Zack. But this suite broke the rules and
now the suite’s got to pay the price.
Danielle
Excuse me, sir, you see, I can’t be in trouble. My father, he’s a federal
judge and I’m not allowed to be in trouble.
Mike
Well, tell His Honor there’s a first time for everything. Now, the way I see
it, you’ve got three choices.
Screech
Can I buy a vowel?
Slater
Sit down! This isn’t a game show!
Mike
One, you’re out of the dorm. Two, curfew for a month. Or three, you can help
the Psychology Department with a research project.
Zack
Yeah, we’ll take the research project.
Leslie
Speak for yourself, Zack, we don’t even know what it is.
Mike
Okay. The project is to get one of these questionnaires completed by every
freshman on campus.
Leslie
But there’s three thousand freshmen. That’ll take us forever.
Mike
That’s the beauty of it! Maybe next time you won’t break my rules. (Mike
exits.)
Slater
Nice work, Zack.
Zack
Oh, c’mon guys, you’re not really angry with me, are you? Slater? Leslie!
I-I just wanted you to have a nice birthday.
Leslie
You know what your problem is, Zack? You’re immature and selfish. You didn’t
throw that party to make me happy! You did it to impress me and to make yourself
look good. I guess it doesn’t matter if somebody else has to pay the price, like
your friends! I mean, your ex-friends.
[ACT II, SCENE 3. Student Union]
(Zack playing pool. Screech
enters.)
Screech
Oh, Zack, I’ve been looking for you everywhere.
Zack
Look, Screech, I just want to be alone.
Screech
You know, you wouldn’t believe how many times in a day I hear that! I won’t
say a word. (Zack prepares to make a shot. Screech blurts ) Sure
everyone’s mad at you! I mean, Michael Rogers hates you, not to mention
Slater...
Zack
Screech.
Screech
...Danielle, Alex... of course Leslie, she probably hates you the most.
Zack
Thank you Screech! Gee, you’re just like a walking Hallmark Card. I thought
this place was gonna be great, I thought it was gonna be parties, and girls, and
freedom. It just turned out to be a big drag. I was thinking I might just
transfer to a school back home.
Screech
Wow. First Slater, now you. Oops!
Zack
Wait a minute, what about Slater?
Screech
Nothing. He made me promise I wouldn’t tell you. Go ahead, torture me, I
wouldn’t tell you even if you poured molten lava down my pants!
Zack
Screech, you’re about two seconds away from a noogie.
Screech
Okay, okay, I give! Slater’s getting his butt kicked in wrestling and he
wants to quit the team.
Zack
Wait a minute, if he quits the team, he’ll lose his scholarship.
Screech
I know. Then he’d have to drop out of school. And I’d be stuck all alone in
a suite with three women. How soon do you leave?
Zack
Slater has worked toward this his whole life, I mean, wrestling in college
is all he ever talked about. I’m not going to let him quit.
Screech
Why not? If you’re going to give up and run away, why can’t he?
End Act II
Begin Act III (7:11)
[ACT III, SCENE 1. Common Room]
(Alex dancing, Screech playing
ukulele, Zack sitting in big wicker chair. Students coming in and out with
questionnaries.)
Screech
Win a trip to beautiful Hawaii! Land of the houlihans, hula girls and hula
hoops!
Zack
(to student) So, fill out all the questions? Now be sure to come back
at 6 for the big drawing! Aloha. Aloha!
Mike
Aloha to you, too!
Zack
Mr. Rogers!
Mike
Zack!
Zack
Hi. Ah, you know, I thought it’d be more time efficient having the
questionnaires coming to us instead of the other way around.
Alex
And once they turn them in, we mix them around in this barrel and then Zack
reaches in and pulls one out and that person wins a trip to Hawaii!
Mike
I figured that part out all by myself. (Alex walks off.) Zack, let me
have a word with you.
Zack
Sure.
Mike
I really love the way you operate.
Zack
Oh, thank you, sir.
Mike
Man, you have got a lot of potential. In fact, you kind of remind me of
myself when I was your age.
Zack
Really? Well, hey, I just want to be like Mike!
Mike
I’ll tell you what, I love these scams. I bet you ran a lot of them in high
school, huh?
Zack
Are you kidding, Mike? I was the king!
Mike
Man, it’s beautiful....
Zack
Yeah.
Mike
You run a fake contest...
Zack
Uh huh.
Mike
...and in the end, there’s no prize at all, right?
Zack
You’re right with me, Mike!
Mike
Hey, guess what, Zack?
Zack
Huh?
Mike
You’re not in high school anymore. When you run a contest in college and
offer a prize, there better be one. Get my drift?
Zack
Drifting, sir.
Mike
Good. (Mike exits.)
[ACT III, SCENE 2. Student Union]
(Slater busing tables. Two nerds enter with trays.)
Nerd #1
Excuse me! Can you clean this table, please?
Slater
I’ll have my assistant do it. (snaps fingers,
Zack enters)
Four-fifty an hour.
Ah, great. At this rate, I’ll have it paid off by spring break... of my
junior year. (Slater walks off, Leslie enters.)
Excuse me...
No, ah, Zack, I want to apologize. I-I think I was kind of hard on you the
other night, and... I-I guess you meant well when you threw me that party, and
i-it wasn’t your fault it got out of hand, and I overreacted.
No, you know, I-I- I didn’t think. You were right.
No, I overreacted.
Well, you had every reason...
Yes it was...
Sorry.
Anyway... you did get us all off the hook, and it’s pretty cool that you’re
going to pay for that Hawaii trip. Maybe you’re not such a bad guy after all.
Yeah, well, don’t let it go to your head. Well, I-I better get going.
Yeah.
Maybe I’ll see you around later.
Oh, good. ‘Cause I’m going to... be around later. I don’t know, maybe we
could... be around later together.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye. (Leslie exits.)
Excuse me...
Oh, let me guess. You need more napkins! No, your- your salt shaker’s empty,
right?
No, I just wanted to come over here and meet you. I saw you wrestling.
Oh. Well, I won’t be doing that much longer. I was getting smoked.
What are you talking about? You were great. Those other guys may be bigger,
but... you’re waaay cuter.
See ya around... I hope. (Slater exits. Sonya goes to Zack.)
Shoot it, shoot it! Three, two, one... (Slater shoots for basket,
misses.) Ohhhh! (Alex and Danielle enter.)
Hey Screech, we should go, the movie starts in ten minutes.
Yeah, and we have to get there early because I can’t see in the first ten
rows, and I really can’t hear in the last ten rows, you know where’s good? The
middle is good, on that right side, you just...
Well, guys, the girls and I are going to a French film. (Phone rings.
Slater answers.)
Hello? Hold on. (to Screech) Hey Screech! It’s your mom!
Tell her I’m busy and I’ll see her at Thanksgiving. Bonne soire,
guys!
Yeah... oh! Uh, by the way, Zack, Sonya asked me to give you this....
(shows Zack the $20 bill)
Look, man, I was just trying to help. This hasn’t exactly been the best week
of my life, either.
I kinda knew that.
I mean, last year, when we were seniors, we ruled Bayside. We were like
chick magnets, huh? And this year we’re college freshmen. The lowest rung on the
food chain.
Tell me about it. You know, when I wrestled in high school, I barely worked
up a sweat.
Tch-yeahhh.
My shoulders never even touched the mat. It’s hard going from being the best
to being...
Second-best. Alright, alright, to being the last best. I’ll tell you
something, preppie, I didn’t come here to quit. I’m going to put some extra time
in at the gym.
Actually, no. Heh, I think I’ll ask Sonya to dinner. On you.
Aaah.
Yep. I got a date with Leslie.
Oh, it’s easy, you see, Leslie’s the kind of woman who appreciates maturity,
patience, and understanding.
You too. (Zack picks up jacket.) Oh yeah. (Slater exiting.)
Take it easy. (Zack exits to Common Room)
Ah, Zack, this is Bob.
So, going out with... Bob.
Zack, you didn’t think that you and I were... I mean, I like you but we’re
suite-mates. Friends. Buds!
Are you kidding? Oh you thought that... me? You? Noooo! That... hey. I have
a date myself.
Oh, that’s good. I- I mean, I’d hate to have messed things up between us.
Oh, you know, me too. Well, you, ah... have a good night... bud.
You too. (Leslie exits.)
Well, this sure is a week of firsts. My first week of college, first
Saturday night alone, first time I didn’t get the girl. Well, since there’s
nothing else to do, may as well add one more first to the list. First weekend
night I’m ever... going to study. (starts to read. stops.) Naah, I don’t
think so! (throws book over shoulder.)
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