The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript provided by "TWIZ TV.COM - FREE TV SCRIPTS DATABASE" courtesy of Duvelle. "NORTHERN EXPOSURE" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by UNIVERSAL TV in association with CINE-NEVADA PRODUCTIONS. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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[Chris-on-the-air encounters Semanski-on-the-job.]

CHRIS: The little hand's on the six, big hand's on the 12. Good morning, Cicely. Chris in the morning heralding the dawn on KBHR, 570 on your AM dial, the voice of the borough of Arrowhead County. Que pasa hoy? Let's take a look. Don Barker shot a seven foot bull moose near Lake Loon yesterday. He's offering tenderloins to anybody with a backhoe who can haul it to Holling's freezer before it spoils. Tempus fugit. Got a little lost and found happening. Who's ever missing a '66 Studebaker transmission, Mitch Coleman found one by the road by his smokehouse. Why don't you just give Mitch a call, or drop by and claim it yourself. A reminder: Cicely's Book Club meets tonight, 7:30, at the church. Maggie O'Connell is gonna be reading "House of Mirth" by Edith Wharton. BYOB.

CHRIS: What can I do for you, Officer Semanski?

BARBARA: Christopher Danforth Stevens?

CHRIS: Yep. In the flesh.

BARBARA: Are you aware there's an outstanding warrant for your arrest in the state of West Virginia?

CHRIS: Well, that would surprise me considering the only outstanding thing I was ever cited for in West Virginia was the ability to open three beer bottles at the same time with my teeth.

BARBARA: Stand up, please.

CHRIS: Right now?

BARBARA: Up. Turn around. Place your hands behind your back. Under the provisions of the Uniform Criminal Extradition Act, I'm placing you under arrest for violating Section 62-12-19 of the West Virginia Code. You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, the court will appoint one for you. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

[Barbara has handcuffed Chris and led him out to her cruiser.]

CUT TO:

[At The Brick.]

JOEL: I don't get it, Holling.

HOLLING: Get what?

JOEL: Chris has been a marked man since the day I got here. Now, why bust him today? Why not last week or last year, for that matter?

HOLLING: Well, the judge doesn't get up here more than once every 15 months or so. The police follow the circuit, like tending a trap line. You know, they don't set the snares until a day or two before the judge arrives. Less holding costs that way.

JOEL: Well, what're we gonna do about it?

HOLLING: About what?

JOEL: About Chris!

HOLLING: What do you suggest?

JOEL: I don't know! I mean, we can't just let him be shipped off to West Virginia . . .

HOLLING: Why not?

JOEL: Because . . . he's Chris! Holling! I mean, besides, didn't you see "Deliverance"? Squealed like a pig? And then, if that's what they do on camping trips, think what life's gonna be like for Chris in the big house.

CUT TO:

[Bernard comes out to the lake by Chris' trailer, prepared to do some fishing.]

BERNARD: Hey Chris!

CHRIS: Bernard.

BERNARD: Rod 'n reel, net, creel.

CHRIS: I can't make it, bro.

BERNARD: No? Why not?

CHRIS: I'm under arrest.

BERNARD: Arrest?

CHRIS: Parole violation, West Virginia. Extradition hearing's tomorrow.

BERNARD: Tomorrow?

CHRIS: Yeah.

BERNARD: You have a lawyer?

CHRIS: Nah, I don't need one.

BERNARD: Why not?

CHRIS: Guilty!

BERNARD: Guilty of what?

CHRIS: That's an interesting question.

BERNARD: I'm referring to the statutory angle.

CHRIS: Oh! Uh, I skipped town without telling my parole officer.

BERNARD: Chris, you need a lawyer.

CHRIS: What'd you get, a new rug?

BERNARD: Winston graphite. Part of it's real.

CHRIS: Nice. (referring to the rod, not the rug)

CUT TO:

[Maurice pays Mike a visit in The Bubble.]

MAURICE: I'm putting you on retainer to represent Stevens, Mike.

MIKE: You've got the wrong man, Maurice.

MAURICE: Don't sell yourself short, Monroe.

MIKE: I was a corporate attorney.

MAURICE: You were a litigator, weren't you?

MIKE: Why not fly in some high-priced criminal talent from the lower 48?

MAURICE: Uh uh. Don't have time. Judge'll be here pronto.

MIKE: Get a postponement.

MAURICE: Mike, this is Alaska. The circus only comes to town once every year or two.

MIKE: Atchoo!

MAURICE: You can do it! Where'd you graduate from law school? Yale? Harvard?

MIKE: University of Illinois.

MAURICE: Oh.

MIKE: I don't know the first thing about criminal procedure. I mean, extradition . . .

MAURICE: I need Stevens on the air. You need him. The town needs him. We can't let Chris-in-the-morning go down the tubes without a fight. Think about the loss in on-air revenue.

MIKE: Atchoo!! What kind of cologne are you wearing, Maurice?

MAURICE: Oh, come on, don't give me that allergy crap! You owe me. What about that spacesuit? Where do you think you'd be in this town without my generosity?

MIKE: And I appreciate it, Maurice. I just don't think I'd do a very good job on Chris' behalf.

MAURICE: You were not my first choice either, but we're stuck with each other, so . . . look, let's cut to the chase here. Maggie says that you need a new air filtration unit in this place. How much?

CUT TO:

[Out by Chris' trailer, Chris and Mike discuss Chris' predicament as Chris prepares to part with some of his belongings.]

MIKE: As far as I can tell, an extradition hearing is pretty cut and dry. All the judge has to do is determine that the person standing before him is the person named in the warrant, and it's good night Irene. I don't really see any room to maneuver.

CHRIS: Hey Mike, what are you, like a 44 long?

MIKE: 42.

CHRIS: Want this vest?

MIKE: 100% cotton?

CHRIS: Levi's finest. This baby's flapped in the breeze of a thousand highways in the clutches of some pretty nasty ladies.

MIKE: Chris, did you hear what I just said?

CHRIS: Uh, yeah, Mike. I need a lawyer.

MIKE: Right.

CHRIS: But I don't have a prayer, right?

MIKE: Right. Basically. What I don't understand is why the state of West Virginia is going to so much trouble. I mean, what were you in for, originally?

CHRIS: Grand theft auto. The Joy King and I, we ripped off a '71 Firebird. Holleys, headers, Hursts, a real rocket. I wrapped around a telephone pole up on 13th Street. I got two to five. I did 18 months.

MIKE: And the only illegal act you've committed since then is skipping town without notifying your parole officer?

CHRIS: As far as I know. What's that, the warrant?

MIKE: Yeah.

CHRIS: Lemme see. "State of West Virginia, Wheeling City Building, Section 62-12" . . . ah hah!

MIKE: "Ah hah" what?

CHRIS: Here's your answer right here. Teddy Miller.

MIKE: You know the Commissioner of Corrections?

CHRIS: Yeah, Millers've been jailing Stevenses since before the Civil War.

MIKE: Huh.

CHRIS: See, Mike, my family was like the James Gang of West Virginia, and the Millers were like the Earps. My granddaddy once shot a Miller in the neck. Oh, he didn't kill him, he just walked around the rest of his life like he was looking at a painting in the Louvre, you know? Like this? It's been us against them ever since. I used to beat up Teddy Miller in grade school. That was fun.

MIKE: This doesn't bode well.

CHRIS: Well, it's karma, you know, Mike? The wheel? What goes around comes around. Hey, look at that ??

MIKE: Where?

CHRIS: Over there, by that old log.

CUT TO:

[At The Brick, folks discuss the judge, who sits eating alone at a table.]

SHELLY: Chris is dead meat.

JOEL: What.

SHELLY: Look.

JOEL: What?

SHELLY: Over there. That lady? That's the judge.

JOEL: What, that? That woman?

SHELLY: Uh huh.

ED: Too bad.

SHELLY: Yeah, I'll say.

JOEL: Why?

SHELLY: Dr. Fleischman, she's a woman!

JOEL: So what?

ED: Luck of the draw.

SHELLY: Yeah.

JOEL: Listen to you people! I can't believe it, the negative image you have based purely on an erroneous, fatuous, sexual stereotyping.

SHELLY: Back in my competitive days, Dr. Fleischman, you could drop a baton, or mess up your statement of personal goals, and none of the men would blink as long as you smiled a lot and displayed a well-rounded personality. But the women. Try wearing a lip gloss they'd never seen before, or dare to squeeze your well-toned buns into a size four swimsuit they couldn't wear on a bet, they'd mark you down all over the place. It was brutal.

JOEL: Well, Shelly, I hate to minimize your experience, but I hardly think that beauty contests and a court of law are analogous.

SHELLY: Well, maybe not, but they're definitely the same.

[Maggie comes along.]

MAGGIE: What was that all about?

JOEL: I . . . it's not clear.

ED: Ok, Maggie. Who's nicer? Men or women?

MAGGIE: Oh, I get it.

JOEL: What?

MAGGIE: I'm supposed to say women, right? And then with sarcasm dripping from your lips like battery acid, you'd belittle me and demean me and rip my opinion to shreds with the precision of those razor-sharp German tools you like to lance boils with. Right, Fleischman?

JOEL: No. Wrong.

MAGGIE: Why should women be nicer? Because men are stronger? No no no no, those days are behind us. We are no longer the subservient class, Fleischman. You can't push us around with impunity the way you used to. We have power, we have laws, and we intend to use them. So don't expect the batting eyelash routine around here anymore, Fleischman. From now on, you'd better be nicer to us!

CUT TO:

[The church is used as a courtroom for the extradition hearing. Barbara acts as bailiff; Mr. Sizemore is the prosecutor.]

JUDGE: You plan to challenge this warrant, Mr. Monroe?

MIKE: I do, Your Honor.

JUDGE: On what grounds?

MIKE: Identity.

JUDGE: Identity?

MIKE: Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE: Whose identity?

MIKE: His. The man to my immediate left. The alleged Chris Stevens.

[The courtroom audience bursts out in noisy reaction.]

JUDGE: Ladies and gentlemen. Quiet. Thank you. Mr. Monroe, is this some kind of a joke?

MIKE: Most assuredly not, Your Honor. I submit that this Chris Stevens standing before you is not the same Chris Stevens named in the warrant.

JUDGE: Ladies and gentlemen, quiet! I will have order. One more outburst and I will clear the court. Mr. Sizemore?

SIZEMORE: There should be a photograph in the extradition package, Your Honor.

MIKE: Actually, Judge, my defense, it isn't based--

JUDGE: Just a moment.

MIKE: On physical--

JUDGE: Just a moment. This is terrible. I can't use this. Where are the fingerprints?

SIZEMORE: There weren't any.

JUDGE: There weren't any?

SIZEMORE: Obviously an oversight on behalf of West Virginia. I didn't anticipate this, Your Honor.

JUDGE: Mr. Sizemore, get the prints. I am not about to verify identification on the basis of some lousy faxed photograph.

SIZEMORE: Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE: You were saying, Mr. Monroe?

MIKE: My challenge is based on a broader interpretation of identity than physical evidence, Your Honor. Now, I hope to demonstrate, with the court's permission, that my client has undergone such a substantive change in the very nature of his character as to constitute a separate and unique identity from the individual named in the warrant. Simply stated, this man is not the same individual who skipped parole six years ago in West Virginia!

[Crowd erupts in cheers.]

SIZEMORE: Your Honor . . .

JUDGE: That's it. I will not have my orders ignored. Bailiff, clear the court.

BARBARA: All right, people, let's go! Let's go! Come on.

JUDGE: Counsel . . .

BARBARA: Move it!

JUDGE: Counsel, approach.

BARBARA: Move it out! All right.

JUDGE: Mr. Monroe, this is an extradition hearing, not the Supreme Court.

MIKE: I realize that, Your Honor.

JUDGE: I am willing to postpone judgment until the fingerprints arrive, but I--

MIKE: But at least hear my argument, Your Honor. I mean, a young man's freedom is at stake. Now, if I haven't convinced you by the time the prints arrive, I'll abide by your judgment.

JUDGE: Mr. Monroe, you will abide by my judgment in any case.

MIKE: Yes. Of course.

JUDGE: I have nothing else on my docket, and I am appalled at the state's lack of preparation. All right, Mr. Monroe, I will hear your argument after a one hour recess.

MIKE: I could use two, Your Honor.

JUDGE: We will resume in one hour.

CUT TO:

[Bernard fills in for Chris at KBHR.]

BERNARD: About 4000 years ago, Hammurabi, the king of Babylonia, ordered 3600 lines of cuneiform carved on a diorite column in the ancient city of Susa. Now, it's the first known record of a legal code. Yet, notwithstanding all the centuries of effort, the law continues to evolve. Why? Well, if based on fixed principle alone, one would expect the law to remain reasonably constant. But it doesn't. Conclusion? Well, being the work of man, the law is an expression of the social/political imperative of its time. And as we all know, times change. Thus, despite Hammurabi's efforts, the law is not so much carved in stone as it is written in water, flowing in and out with the tide.

MAURICE: Hey, that was good!

BERNARD: Oh. thanks, Maurice.

MAURICE: No no, I mean it. You sounded just like a Stevens.

BERNARD: I am a Stevens.

MAURICE: Well, keep up the good work.

CUT TO:

[In a private room at the church, Mike discusses issues with Chris, and then Maggie.]

CHRIS: Mike, I, I--

MIKE: Sorry, I'm having a formaldehyde reaction. So much paperwork.

CHRIS: You know, if I'm not the Chris Stevens named in this warrant, who am I?

MIKE: You might want to think about that.

CHRIS: Right. Right.

[Chris leaves. Maggie enters.]

MAGGIE: Mike.

MIKE: Oh Maggie, Maggie, I need your help.

MAGGIE: Really? Ok. How?

MIKE: Can you go to Anchorage?

MAGGIE: What?

MIKE: Go to the law library? I need precedents, case citings, anything related to identity.

MAGGIE: Ok.

MIKE: You will? You'll go?

MAGGIE: Sure.

MIKE: Thanks.

MAGGIE: You're welcome. All right, identity?

MIKE: Yes. Identity. Thanks.

CUT TO:

[Judge Percy visits the general store.]

RUTH-ANNE: May I help you?

JUDGE: I'm just looking for something to read.

RUTH-ANNE: Fiction? Nonfiction?

JUDGE: Fiction.

RUTH-ANNE: I have the latest Toni Morrison in hardback beneath the counter.

JUDGE: No . . .

RUTH-ANNE: Anne Tyler? Jane Smiley?

JUDGE: I'm looking for something a little lighter?

RUTH-ANNE: I think I have just what you want.

[Ruth-Anne offers a novel to the judge.]

JUDGE: Oh, I've read it.

RUTH-ANNE: Oh, darn.

JUDGE: Do you have Danielle Steele's latest, by any chance?

RUTH-ANNE: I'm out. It's good.

JUDGE: All of hers are good.

RUTH-ANNE: I thought "Letter from Nam" was a stretch. Now, here's one you might like.

JUDGE: Susan Crossland?

RUTH-ANNE: The Sleetmute Sentinel calls her "the thinking woman's Jackie Collins."

JUDGE: (reading from jacket of a novel called "Dangerous Games") "Jock Litton, Washington's most powerful lobbyist, and his beautiful, amoral associate Lisa Taybor . . . for them no tactics are out of bounds in boardrooms or bedrooms." I'll take it.

RUTH-ANNE: Good. Enjoy.

JUDGE: I'm Elizabeth Percy.

RUTH-ANNE: Ruth-Anne Miller.

JUDGE: Ruth-Anne, I need a birthday present for my grandson. He's eight.

RUTH-ANNE: Hmm. My "junior armament" section is over there. A slingshot, there's a bazooka, water pistol . . .

JUDGE: Perfect.

CUT TO:

[Maurice and Holling discuss Barbara, who sits alone at The Brick.]

MAURICE: Look at her.

HOLLING: She does have an appetite, doesn't she.

MAURICE: Woman rends the social fabric of an entire town and sits down to a mid-afternoon feed like nothing happened.

HOLLING: Well, Maurice, now, she's obliged to uphold the law.

MAURICE: Yeah, they used that argument at Nuremberg. Didn't hold water then, doesn't hold water now. Ah, the woman has no conscience.

[At another table, Ed and Shelly have a little chat.]

SHELLY: Mooseburger. Medium well.

ED: Thanks, Shelly. But I think I've lost my appetite.

SHELLY: Thinking about Chris, huh.

ED: Well, actually, I was thinking about me and all the bad things I've done in my life.

SHELLY: Like what?

ED: Well, like me and Dan Richman used to go down to Mosquito Lake and drop boat anchors on frogs.

SHELLY: Why?

ED: It was fun.

SHELLY: Yuck. Do Indians believe in sin?

ED: What do you mean?

SHELLY: You know . . . original, venial, mortal. See, if you were Catholic, you could just say a bunch of Hail Marys and Our Fathers, and the slate would be wiped totally clean.

ED: Oh really?

SHELLY: Uh huh.

ED: And then you don't get punished or anything?

SHELLY: Uh uh.

ED: Oh wow. But what about the frogs?

SHELLY: What about them?

ED: Well, they're still dead.

SHELLY: Well, that's true. But if they were good little frogs, they're in froggie heaven.

ED: Oh.

CUT TO:

[At the hearing, Mike has lined up a variety of character witnesses to testify on behalf of Chris. We see portions of each witness' testimony.]

SHELLY: You see, Holling bought me this TV satellite dish, and I was zoning out on it morning, noon and night. I couldn't tear myself away. Well, it was really weirding me out, so I went to Chris. He heard my confession. After that, everything was cool. Oh, especially when the dish blew down in a storm.

JUDGE: Excuse me, did you say he heard your confession?

SHELLY: Oh, Chris is a priest.

CHRIS: Uh, minister, Your Honor. Worldwide Church of Truth and Beauty. I answered an ad in the back of Rolling Stone.

JUDGE: I see.

SHELLY: Chris does all the major gigs in Cicely. Funerals, weddings . . . he almost married me and Holling, and he did divorce me and Wayne, which was totally cool--

[Holling is now on the stand.]

HOLLING: Turned out that due to a slight oversight on my part, I neglected to pay my income taxes for 33 years. I needed 9,000 dollars, and Chris bailed me out. Bought a half interest in The Brick. Turned things around. Soon we were making money hand over fist. Only Chris wasn't happy. You see, Your Honor, he said there are two types of people in this world: owners and renters. And he found out he was a renter, so he turned his investment into an indefinite loan. That's the kind of friend he is. That's the kind of man he is.

JUDGE: I see.

CUT TO:

[The hearing continues. Joel testifies as an expert witness, and uses a drawing of the human brain to help make his points.]

JUDGE: Proceed, Mr. Monroe.

MIKE: Dr. Fleischman, which area of the brain is responsible for personal identity?

JOEL: No one can say exactly.

MIKE: No?

JOEL: Nope.

MIKE: Why not?

JOEL: We're talking about hundreds of billions of neurons wrapped up inside a package smaller than a breadbox. Now, scientists are just beginning to understand how it works. There are some researchers that claim that when they do, we're going to have to give up the idea of personal identity altogether, or at least a personally directed consciousness.

CHRIS: "Ghost in the machine."

JUDGE: You wish to add something, Mr. Stevens?

CHRIS: Rene Descartes, Your Honor, a 17th century philosopher, postulated that the mind and body are two separate entities, a theory know as dualism. And over time, the dualists were challenged by the materialists, who believed that the mind was simply part of the body, and in 1949, Gilbert Ryle scored a major victory for the materialists when he ridiculed Descartes' concept of the mind as "ghost in the machine."

JOEL: Actually, that's a very good summary, but even if we accept the materialist notion of a mind as nothing more than a very sophisticated machine, no one has been able to explain exactly what makes it run, or how.

MIKE: So if I'm hearing you correctly, Dr. Fleischman, from a medical perspective, no one can say for certain what constitutes personal identity?

JOEL Correct.

MIKE: Which also means that no one can say how or why a person's identity might change over time.

JOEL: With the exception of trauma cases where there's actual tissue damage? Yes, I would say that that is right.

MIKE: Thank you, Dr. Fleischman. You may step down. Your Honor, it's my contention that the accused is not the same person that he was before. To demonstrate that, I must first establish who he was, charting the forces that formed young Chris Stevens. If you would examine the photograph in front of you, Your Honor, I'd like to transport you back in time to where it was taken.

[As Mike narrates, we see a home movie with scenes of Chris' life.]

Wheeling, West Virginia, 1971. Chris Stevens, eight years old. A happy domestic scene? Not exactly. That's not allowance money in the youngster's hand, it's the take from the Union '76 station at the corner of Western and Grant. The men are Chris' uncles. The woman is his mother. Together, they were known as the Stevens Gang. This was no ordinary family. The Stevens boys prided themselves on never working a legitimate day in their lives, an ethos passed on to young Chris. "Big Daddy" Jack Stevens was a salesman, seldom home, supposedly on the road selling greeting cards. Actually, he was raising a second family, with a second job, in a second state. Suffice it to say, young Chris did not grow up with a healthy respect for authority. It was at the state penitentiary that Chris Stevens embraced his mentor, Walt Whitman, and took up a personal vow to never to stick up ShopEasys, steal cars, or violate the homes of others again. He would become an artist. His debt to society paid, he left the state pen with 23 dollars, a used Harley, and a sense of destiny. And so young Chris Stevens disappeared into the margins of his criminal past, and from the ashes a new Chris Stevens emerged, to be reborn beyond the West Virginia horizon under Alaskan skies.

JUDGE: (looking rather bored) Where are those prints?

SIZEMORE: Your Honor, I don't understand it.

JUDGE: In view of the hour, court is adjourned until tomorrow.

MIKE: Oh, I'm not done, Your Honor!

JUDGE: Well, I am. Court is adjourned until 10 a.m.; you may conclude at that time, Mr. Monroe.

CUT TO:

[Maggie reports the results of her research to Mike.]

MAGGIE: There's a lot of legal precedents on multiple personality disorders, but I couldn't find any legal precedents on multiple identities. Oh man, maybe I just didn't look in the right place or something.

MIKE: No, no no no, you did fine. It's just that I don't have a legal leg to stand on. That's all. I gotta get away from all this paper.

MAGGIE: You know, what about this Massachusetts decision? The court ruled out using DNA fingerprinting as evidence because, listen to this, "there was disagreement within the scientific community regarding the validity of the database."

MIKE: It's interesting, but it doesn't challenge the principle of physical identification, only the methodology.

MAGGIE: Oh.

MIKE: It's hopeless. Chris is a goner.

MAGGIE: You look tired, Mike. You should get some sleep. Hey Mike? You're doing your best.

MIKE: Haaa . . .

CUT TO:

[Shelly throws a farewell party for Chris at The Brick. Chris interacts with various attendees.]

J.D.: Helluva farewell party, Chris. Good luck in the joint.

CHRIS: Thanks, J.D.

HOLLING: Can I sweeten up your drink?

CHRIS: Yeah yeah, sure. Thanks, Holling. I wanna tell you how much I appreciate this party and all.

HOLLING: Well, it was all Shelly's idea.

SHELLY: Hey, it's not every day we have one of our own sent C.O.D. to the slammer.

CHRIS: Well . . .

SHELLY: Hey, Marilyn.

MARILYN: I brought burritos.

SHELLY: All right! These are gonna go great with the meatballs.

CHRIS: Hey, Marilyn, what's up?

[Marilyn approaches Chris and hands him an autograph book.]

MARILYN: Hey, Chris.

CHRIS: You want my autograph?

MARILYN: Uh huh.

CHRIS: Why not. Never had anybody ask for a autograph before.

MARILYN: Thanks.

CHRIS: You're welcome.

MARILYN: Bye.

CHRIS: Adios.

[Chris sits down at a table. Joel comes to chat.]

JOEL: Not a whole lot of faith being expressed here, huh?

CHRIS: Oh Joel, on the contrary. This is an outpouring of faith in our legal system. You know? The guilty must be punished for the good of the state. Billy Budd.

JOEL: Who?

CHRIS: It's a short story by Melville. Billy Budd was a saintly foretopman, he was beloved by his shipmates. He unintentionally kills evil petty officer John Claggart. Anguished Captain Vere has no choice but to hang Billy to maintain order. End of story.

JOEL: Whew. That's so depressing.

CHRIS: Yeah, but, you play, you pay, right?

[In another area of The Brick, Maurice approaches Bernard for a chat.]

MAURICE: Here, let me pour that for you.

BERNARD: Aw, thank you, Maurice.

MAURICE: Nice party, huh?

BERNARD: Very enjoyable.

MAURICE: Yeah, this is a nice town, kind of town you could settle down and carve yourself out a home. Uh, listen Stevens, I'm not gonna mince words. After your brother gets sent up the river, there's gonna be a certain job opportunity opening up that I wanna speak to you about.

BERNARD: You want me to replace Chris?

MAURICE: Shh! Shh! There's no point in broadcasting it! Look, you showed me something today, Stevens. You showed me a man who is ready and willing to pick up the fallen standard and continue the charge! You got a way with words, son, you've got the Stevens way with words, and on top of that, you don't sound black. Truth is, Bernard, if I close my eyes, you sound as white as Casper.

BERNARD: You know something, Maurice? I like you. I do. And it troubles me.

MAURICE: Troubles you?

BERNARD: Yeah. This may come as a shock, but you're a bigot.

MAURICE: Bigot?

BERNARD: You're a racist.

MAURICE: Wait a minute. Because you don't sound black, I'm a bigot and a racist? Look, Stevens, I know black people. I've been around black people, I know how they talk. The say "thang" instead of "thing." They say "ax." "I ax you this, brother, I ax you that." Now, you don't say "ax." Neither does Colin Powell and that . . . that Denzel fellow.

BERNARD: You know what's interesting is the linkage of King's English and superior breeding. And the further linkage of superior breeding with being white. And rather than saying there's a black person speaking in the King's English, we say there's a black person speaking white.

MAURICE: What's wrong with that?

BERNARD: Well, for a long time, it hung me up. I mean, I tried to talk ghetto in high school, and it wasn't me. Very unsettling.

MAURICE: Well, what's your point?

BERNARD: My point? Well, I'm not exactly sure. Although admittedly you're a racist, and what you said makes me uncomfortable, there's a kernel of truth to it. Though, I suspect it has more to do with intellectual and cultural standards than it does with racial distinctions.

MAURICE: Why is it that when I say something like that, I'm a racist, and when you say something like that, you're just being thoughtful?

BERNARD: Oh no, Maurice. I'm a racist too. For a long time, I didn't like being around white people. But once I realized that imperialism, slavery, and genocide weren't exclusively white institutions, it helped me loosen up a bit.

MAURICE: Huh. Well, what about the job?

BERNARD: I'll give it some thought.

CUT TO:

[Ruth-Anne and the judge enjoy a little skeet-shooting. Ed helps out.]

JUDGE: Pull!

ED: Good shot.

JUDGE: Thanks.

RUTH-ANNE: How about two, Ed?

ED: I just gotta run and get more blue rock.

[Ed takes care of business.]

RUTH-ANNE: Ok.

JUDGE: Nice young man.

RUTH-ANNE: Oh, Ed's a gem.

JUDGE: Do you have children, Ruth-Anne?

RUTH-ANNE: Um hmm. Two sons and two grandsons.

JUDGE: Ah.

RUTH-ANNE: How about you?

JUDGE: The same.

RUTH-ANNE: Ah.

JUDGE: My youngest son's about Ed's age. He dropped out of college last year. Living on his own now. Doesn't talk to me much. I don't think he liked having a judge for a mother.

RUTH-ANNE: Oh.

JUDGE: Or maybe it was having a mother for a judge.

RUTH-ANNE: Boys are hard.

JUDGE: So are judges.

RUTH-ANNE: I wouldn't want your job for anything. I don't know how you do it.

JUDGE: I've always been a judge, Ruth-Anne. Even as a kid, people always seemed to be on their best behavior around me, like they sensed some kind of innate judiciousness.

RUTH-ANNE: You know, when somebody comes in and tells me they want five pounds of apples at forty cents a pound, I can tell them "That's two dollars." But you have to look someone in the eye and say "What you did is going to cost you three years in jail." And that's different.

JUDGE: I'm not judging people, I'm judging their actions. It's the same type of distinction that I try to apply to myself, to judge, but not be judgmental.

RUTH-ANNE: I don't know. Sounds like a lot of wooey to me. Dealing with my boys, all I had most of the time to go on was my gut. And I was glad to have that.

JUDGE: You consider the facts, and you sift the evidence . . . oh, I don't know, Ruth-Anne. Sometimes I think that it's all a game I play with myself to avoid feeling responsible for what I do.

RUTH-ANNE: So you have doubts.

JUDGE: An old judge told me that the trick is to act 100% certain when you only feel 51% right.

ED: All set.

JUDGE: Pull!

CUT TO:

[Chris, Mike and Bernard cook, eat and talk out by Chris' trailer.]

MIKE: I don't know, guys. I really feel like I've let you down.

CHRIS: Hey Mike, don't be bummed, you know, you've done a great job, everybody--

[Chris offers food to Mike.]

MIKE: Oh no thanks.

CHRIS: Everybody's having a good time. We're all learning something here.

MIKE: Chris, I may have to put you on the stand.

CHRIS: Cool!

MIKE: Well, maybe. It could be risky. Do you have any idea what's gonna come out of your mouth from one minute to the next?

CHRIS: Well, usually I just let it happen.

MIKE: That's what I was afraid of.

CHRIS: Why, Mike? You want me to tell the truth, right?

MIKE: Absolutely. But there are different ways of telling the truth.

BERNARD: What I think Mike is getting at is that most defendants rehearse their testimony before taking the stand.

CHRIS: Really?

BERNARD: Uh huh.

CHRIS: That kinda takes the fun out of it, yeah?

MIKE: Well, the object of a trial isn't to have fun, Chris. It's to win.

CHRIS: Right, right . . . to win. What do you want me to say?

MIKE: Well, I had Maggie draw up a few sample questions and answers.

CHRIS: Well, what if I don't agree?

MIKE: Well, you can put it in your own words . . .

CHRIS: No, I mean what if it's not the way I feel?

BERNARD: Chris, you did agree to the basic framework of your defense, right?

CHRIS: No . . .

MIKE: It happened so quickly. But you do like how it's been going, right?

CHRIS: Oh, yes, Mike. Totally, absolutely.

MIKE: Well, these answers, they fit right in.

CHRIS: You guys want me to lie?

BERNARD: Oh no, no, Chris, no one's asking you to lie. It's a question of putting your best foot forward.

MIKE: Attorneys and clients confer all the time, Chris. It's standard procedure.

CHRIS: Is this the American thing to do? Is this what the framers of our Constitution had in mind when they talked about due process? You know, manipulation, deception, sophistry . . .

MIKE: If you can't live with this, Chris, I mean, if you think it's a betrayal of principle, we can just drop the whole thing.

BERNARD: Right. See you in two, three years. Whenever you get out. Whatever.

MIKE: I wouldn't count on any leniency. If you go in, they're gonna make you serve out the whole term this time.

CHRIS: Well, in that case, boys, let's give it a shot.

CUT TO:

[Back in the courtroom, more character witnesses are heard, while the ejected townspeople are gathered outside.]

MAGGIE: Well, Mother came to tell me that she and Dad were getting divorced, you know, and then my house burned down, and there was my mother, babbling away, and me completely miserable. And then Chris came around. He was looking for something to fling.

JUDGE: Fling?

MAGGIE: Yeah, well, he'd built this giant catapult.

CHRIS: Uh, trebuchet. A medieval siege weapon.

MAGGIE: Right. Anyway, he was going to fling a cow, and then he decided that, well, since it'd been done, he would actually like to fling something else, and he chose my piano.

JUDGE: He flung your piano instead of a cow?

MAGGIE: It was incredible. I mean, you couldn't believe the G forces that could develop on this thing. I mean, it could make the human body implode before impact. My piano went supersonic, and for this brief moment, this instrument that I had sat at and sung to and wept over just slipped the bonds of gravity. It soared to its own unimaginable crescendo, as if it would never come down. And then . . . boom! Ha! I mean, it was so moving! I don't know how to describe it, really, but . . . I forgot all about my house, and my mother, and it was Chris who turned all that around.

[Ed has his time on the stand. His testimony does not thrill Mike.]

ED: Well, no one could figure out who was ripping off all the radios. And then I got my break. I saw Chris taking a tape deck out of Gary McClellan's flatbed truck, and I had my man. And when I asked him why he'd done it, he said "people got to be reminded that the world is an unpredictable place, and that chaos is always there, lurking just beyond the horizon." And then he told me something I'll never forget. He said "Ed, sometimes you gotta do something bad just to know you're alive."

[Verbose Marilyn provides invaluable testimony.]

MARILYN: I like him.

MIKE: Very good, Marilyn. Now, will you please tell the court why you like him? What is it about Chris Stevens that makes him so special?

[Marilyn just sits there.]

MIKE: Anything. Use your own words. Say anything you'd like.

[Marilyn just sits there.]

MIKE: Is there anything you'd like to add?

MARILYN: No.

MIKE: Then thank you. You may step down.

JUDGE: Your next witness, Mr. Monroe?

[Mr. Sizemore bursts into the church.]

SIZEMORE: I have the prints, Your Honor! They're an exact match.

JUDGE: Mr. Sizemore, I won't have you interrupting my courtroom.

SIZEMORE: Yes, Your Honor, I -- look at that, lookit, all the whirls, every smoodge--

JUDGE: Mister-- give them to me.

SIZEMORE: Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE: Well, Mr. Monroe, it appears that you have run out of bullets, and we have run out of time, so if you--

MIKE: Your Honor, um, I would like to call to the stand Christopher Danforth Stevens.

BARBARA: Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

JUDGE: Mr. Stevens, is there a problem?

CHRIS: Well, Your Honor, I may have a conflict of interest here.

JUDGE: Would you care to elaborate?

CHRIS: I can't swear to tell the whole truth. I mean, when push comes to shove, I'd just as soon not go to jail, you know. I don't think I can keep that from influencing my testimony, if only at the subconscious level. You see, Mike and I, we've been over what I'm supposed to say and I got to tell you, it's pretty persuasive stuff. But is it the whole truth? It's a slice of truth, a morsel, a refraction. It's a piece of the pie, certainly not the whole enchilada, and now that I'm thinking about it, I don't think I could tell the whole truth about anything. That's a pretty heavy burden, because we all just see the world through this little, distorted piece of Coke bottle. Is there such a thing as objective truth? I wonder. Don't you?

JUDGE: It is a conundrum, Mr. Stevens, but it does not help us with the problem at hand.

CHRIS: Well, maybe I could just, you know, get up there and say the thing without the oath.

JUDGE: No, I'm afraid I can't do that.

CHRIS: Well, I guess I can't testify, then.

JUDGE: Mr. Stevens, in view of your extraordinary candor, I am going to break with tradition here and grant you the opportunity to make a brief statement in your own defense. It won't go on the official record, of course, but I think you've earned that much.

CHRIS: Well, I think Carl Jung put it best, Your Honor. We should not pretend to understand the world only by intellect. We apprehend it just as much by feeling. Therefore, the judgment of the intellect is at best only the half of truth and must, if it be honest, come to an understanding of its own inadequacy. Thank you.

JUDGE: Thank you, Mr. Stevens. The court will take a 20 minute recess to review the physical evidence.

CUT TO:

[Bernard and Chris on the air.]

BERNARD: Caller #2, you're on the air.

DEBBIE: Hi, this is Debbie from Salmon Point?

BERNARD: Go ahead, Debbie.

DEBBIE: Well, first, I want to agree with Caller One that Judge Percy had no right to keep we the people from watching Chris' trial.

BERNARD: Duly noted.

CHRIS: Hear, hear!

DEBBIE: And second, I was wondering if Chris is really two people, the old Chris and the new Chris, well, why couldn't the old Chris go back to West Virginia and the new Chris stay here?

BERNARD: Interesting point metaphysically, Debbie.

CHRIS: Well, Debbie, I think on the corporeal plane that the state of West Virginia has first dibs.

BERNARD: Shall we discuss the philosophical question raised here, Chris?

CHRIS: The state of sin versus the state of grace?

BERNARD: Um hmm.

CHRIS: Does redemption actually remake a man or simply return him to some sort of core being, hmm?

BERNARD: Precisely. Is the reformed sinner truly a different person then he was?

CHRIS: Well, speaking for Western tradition, Bernard, I'd have to say no.

BERNARD: Pray tell why, my brother?

CHRIS: Well, I think most born-again Fundamentalists would disagree and most Judeo-Christian theologians would have to argue that the reformed sinner simply discovered a divine spark that had always laid within anyway.

BERNARD: That answer your question Debbie?

DEBBIE: Uh, I guess.

CHRIS: Thank you, Debbie.

BERNARD: Caller #3, this is "Mea Culpa." You're on the air.

CUT TO:

[Mike makes his closing argument, and the judge renders her decision.]

MIKE: Chris Stevens, this Chris Stevens sitting before you today bears only coincidental resemblance to the Chris Stevens being sought by the state of West Virgina. To find that Chris Stevens, you'll have to look in the pages of history. Yes, there's evidence that may appear to make the two men one. May I remind you of the words of the illustrious Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes. "Certitude is not the test of certainty." Can you be certain, Your Honor, that this is the same man named in the warrant? If not, if even the slightest wisp of a doubt casts its shadow upon your deliberations, then you must find for the defendant and set him free.

JUDGE: Well, this has been an interesting couple of days. My compliments, Mr. Monroe, on a spirited and imaginative defense.

MIKE: Thank you.

JUDGE: As I indicated, however, when this hearing began, it is beyond the scope of this court to rule on anything other than the physical evidence presented before it. And while the state may have failed to make its case in a timely fashion, it did ultimately deliver the goods. The fingerprints irrefutably prove that the defendant is in fact the Christopher Stevens named in the warrant, and leave me no choice but to order him turned over to the custody of the state of West Virginia.

[Chris rises and starts applauding.]

CHRIS: God bless Captain Vere, Your Honor! Justice has been served!

JUDGE: Mr. Stevens, please sit down. I'm not through. Now, while the court may have no latitude in rendering its decision, this is not true as to how its orders are to be carried out. In special circumstances where the court deems that the removal of a certain individual would place an undue burden upon his or her community, it is accepted practice to delay execution of sentence. After careful review, it is my opinion that the defendant, by virtue of what I can only call his "Chrisness," has a vital impact upon the life of Cicely, and to summarily remove him would place an undue hardship on the town exceeding the caliber of his own offense. Thus, I order Mr. Stevens free on his own recognizance for a period not to exceed three years, during which time the town of Cicely is to hire another disc jockey who can perform the same services as Mr. Stevens. If at the end of this three year period the town has failed to hire another DJ, Mr. Stevens will be turned over to the authorities of West Virginia, regardless. [Judge gives Mr. Sizemore a very meaningful look.] Should. They. Show. Up. That's it, ladies and gentlemen. Court is adjourned.

CHRIS: What happened, Mike?

MIKE: Well, we won! Kind of.

CHRIS: Yeah?

MIKE: Yeah.

CHRIS: Hey!

[The waiting crowd comes in. Hugs by many. A dejected Barbara leaves. Maurice pushes his way through the crowd.]

MAURICE: Gangway. Gangway. Move over. Move over. Congratulations, son. I was with you all the way.

CHRIS: I know you were, Maurice.

CUT TO:

[Joel joins Chris, Bernard and Ed, who sit outside the church.]

JOEL: You did great!

CHRIS: Yeah?

JOEL: What, are you kidding me? Mike says you killed her.

CHRIS: Nahhh . . .

BERNARD: True defense.

ED: The what defense?

BERNARD: The "no defense" defense.

ED: Oh.

CHRIS: Whatever happened in there, I just, I want you guys to know I really, really appreciate what you said about me. It was kind of like being at my own funeral. I dug it.

CUT TO:

[Chris on the air, as the screen shows Ruth-Anne and Judge Percy strolling and talking.]

Who is Chris Stevens? Who are any of us? Are we one person fixed at birth? Do we grow like a snowball coming down the mountainside of life, or can we change, shed our skin? The caterpillar becomes the butterfly, leaving the remains of his former self behind. I look at my yearbook photo, Wheeling Central Catholic High School, class of '81, and I wonder who that stranger is. Damned if I know. Maybe that's the point. Maybe we're not supposed to know. Maybe that's what this earthly joyride's all about. Like Robert Frost said: "We dance 'round in a ring and suppose, but the secret sits in the middle and knows."

END OF EPISODE

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