The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of LAUREN.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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OPENING CREDITS

OPENING SCENE – Earl is walking down the street putting money in the parking meters. A police officer approaches him.

Earl: (v.o) Back in my criminal days I use to steal loose change out of cars cos there is no way to give the right change back to the right people I have to find other ways to pay the world back.

Officer: Hey Earl, wait up.

Earl: Officer Ross. You ahh dropped your gun.

Officer: ohhh (turns around and picks it up) cool thanks. Ahh I’m gonna have to give you a ticket because its illegal putting money in other peoples meters.

Earl: Seriously. Why?

Officer: I don’t know. Anyways I’m gonna need to see your license.

Earl: my license? Well see I don’t have my license. My ex wife does and she won’t give it back.

Officer: why?

Earl: well she’s crazy. It gives her an excuse to torture me.

FLASHBACK – 9 MONTHS AGO – Joy is posing in ‘daisy duke’ shorts, singlet and heels next to her car getting photos taken by Darnell.

Darnell: You sure this is what helped the guys in the gulf win the war?

Joy: Once I go spread eagle whitesnake style on the hood it will. Those boys need to remember what they’re fighting for. Hang on I got a eye booger the size of a walnut. (wipes her eye, gets in car and pulls down the visor, something falls on her lap) Oh Snap. Earl’s driver’s license. Holding onto this for a rainy day.

Darnell: Too bad it didn’t thunder when you said that. That would’ve been cool. Like you’re a evil genius or something.

Joy: that would’ve been cool. (holds up license to sky and yells) I’m holding onto this for a rainy day!

Darnell: I think you need clouds to thunder.  (Darnell stands beside Joy and looks up to sky)

Joy: oh look at that bird up there. How the hell do they stay up there like that?

END FLASHBACK – CUT BACK TO EARL AND THE OFFICER.

Officer: so wait. What you’re saying is that you’ve been operating your motor vehicle without a license.

Earl: yep yep that’s what I’m saying.

Earl: (v.o) So instead of getting one ticket I got two. I couldn’t understand why karma was punishing me for trying to do something good. And why was it making me go see Joy.

CUT TO – Joy’s trailer – Joy is tweezing her eyebrows – Earl is watching her.

Earl: Joy just give me my license.

Joy: why? Whats in it for me.

Earl; well you’d be doing a nice thing. Which gets you two steps closer to heaven. And if I had to guess you’re probably two steps closer to someplace else.

Joy: look Earl, I’d love to give you your license back but before I return it I’m gonna need some form of identification. (starts laughing) some kind of picture ID. Perhaps a license.

Darnell: (painting the turtle with a yellow paint pen) You know Joy. Technically that license is state property. It doesn’t belong to either one of you.

Joy: ok Darnell you’re painting a turtle right now and I’m not taking advice from you or any other turtle painter.

Darnell: I’m just making him more visible. The kids keep stepping on him.

(Earl shuts his eyes)

Joy: you want your license back I want something from you.

Earl: fine what do you want me to do?

Joy: I want you to fix that hole in the wall behind the Jesus eating dinner picture you put there.

(Darnell lifts off the picture)

Earl: (v.o) The hole Joy was talking about dated back to a fight we had years before.

FLASHBACK – 2004 – Joy and Earl are playing Uno, Joy is angry.

Joy: You cheating son of a bitch you’re supposed to say ‘uno’ when you’ve only got one card left.

Earl: I said one.

Joy: you’re supposed to say ‘uno’. It’s a Mexican game.

(Joy storms off)

Earl: Joy, this is why the kids won’t play candy land with you anymore.

(Joy picks up a lamp off the table and throws it at Earl, Earl ducks and it makes a hole in the wall.)

END FLASHBACK – CUT BACK TO TRAILER

Earl: Joy, I’m not gonna fix that hole.

Joy: why not? Isn’t that what you do on your idiot list? Fix things.

Earl: Only things that are my fault. And that hole isn’t one of them.

Darnell: I can’t believe there is a hole behind this picture. That’s a relief, last week it was banging on the wall, and I thought Jesus was mad at me for putting that Darwin fish on the back of the car. Guess it was just wind.

CUT TO – Earl leaving the trailer.

Earl: Come on Randy we have to drop Catalina off and head down tho the courthouse I’m gonna have to pay for a new license.

Randy: hold on. Trying to get two earthworms to fight.

(Randy and Catalina are staring at the ground egging on the earthworms. Earl watches too)

Catalina: the one on the left keeps running. Come on homes, kick his butt. Do worms have butts?

Randy: if they do they look just like their faces.

Earl: hey that one looks kind of angry maybe we should cut him in half and make him fight himself.

Randy: I don’t think that would work, if you cut me in half, I wouldn’t fight my legs, I’d try and work with them and get us to a hospital.

(Darnell walks out of the trailer)

Darnell: hey guys

All: Hey crabman.

Randy: Darnell you know anything about getting worms to fight

Darnell: worms don’t fight, they’re peaceful loving people they’ve got 5 hearts. Listen Earl I’m gonna turn around and bend over to tie my shoe, you might want to thumb through my hair while I do it.

Earl: ok. (confused, Darnell bends over and Earl feels around Darnell’s head, finding his driver’s license.) Thanks Crabman.

Darnell: no problem Earl

Earl: (v.o) That was by far the best thing I’d ever found in Darnell’s hair. And so I went down to the courthouse to pay my tickets.

CUT TO – Courthouse – People are walking through metal detector gates, emptying their pockets. Earl and Randy are watching.

Randy: Metal detectors must be the best job in the whole world. You get to see what everyone’s got in their pockets.

Security: Come on through

(A woman (Gwen) walks through the metal detector gate and the alarm goes off.)

Gwen: Look this happens every time I come through here. Where’s Phil? Phil knows.

Security: Phil has the bird flu. He’s gonna be on the news. (Smiling)

Gwen: No look, I (The security guard uses the handheld metal detector over her body and it goes off over her ass) it’s nothing I have a condition.

Security: what kind of condition?

Gwen: There’s a BB (whispers) in my ass. There’s a bb

Security: a what?

Gwen: A BB in my ass! I have a bb in my ass.

Earl: (v.o) that’s when I realised karma wasn’t punishing me by giving me those tickets, it was leading me to the courthouse to find her. Gwen Waters. When I was little I had a crush on Gwen. There was just something about her. And while I never worked up the courage to talk to her, other guys did. And I didn’t like it. I learnt two things that day. I hated guys with alligators on their shirts and I was a terrible shot.

FLASHBACK – Earl is shooting bottles off a fence with a bb gun, he spots Gwen and a boy talking over a table, he watches as they walk away and loads his gun and shoots at the boy. The BB pellet didn’t hit the boy rather Gwen in the ass.

Earl: oh crap

Young Gwen: you just shot me.

END FLASHBACK –CUT BACK TO COURTHOUSE.

Gwen: why won’t you believe me.

Security: (in radio) I need a female officer here for a cavity search. Ma’am just like to take you down here.

Gwen: I really don’t like to be touched.

Earl: I know what I got to do next on my list Randy. Number 147, shot Gwen Waters in the ass with a BB.

(Gwen is getting escorted to a room)

Gwen: I have sensitivity to latex. And I’m sure if you…. (yells) For the love of god could someone call Phil.

Officer: This way ma’am.

CUT TO – Courtroom. Earl and Randy are sitting 2 rows behind Gwen who is drawing a picture of the trial. Hooker Patty is the defendant.

Earl: After I paid my ticket, I waited around to talk to Gwen.

Prosecutor: Prosecution will show that the defendant was taking money in exchange for sex. At the rainbow burger drive thru.

Patty: That’s a lie. I wasn’t taking money for sex. I was taking burgers for sex. And curly fries for a diddle and a pickle for a lookie. What? It’s my Tuesday afternoon special.

Defence: ahh your honour I think you may need to talk about a plea bargain here

Judge: 5 minute recess. (slams gavel, to the council) My chambers.

(As the courtroom empties, Earl and Randy approach Gwen)

Earl: (taps her on her shoulder) Gwen?

Gwen: I will not draw your stupid kid.

Earl: no Gwen it’s me. Earl Hickey.

Gwen: Earl Hickey

Randy: how was that cavity search? You got any or you brush pretty good?

Earl: Randy, different cavity.

Gwen: idiot

Randy: name caller

Earl: Gwen I need to talk to you. I made a list for all the bad things I’ve done and well your ass is on it. See number 147, shot Gwen Waters in the – well you know where.

Gwen: what you should put down is how you lied to my dad about it.

Earl: it never occurred to me shooting Gwen was the worst thing I did to her that day.

FLASHBACK – young Earl shooting Gwen with the BB.

Gwen: oh my god you just shot me. (runs off)

(Earl drops the gun and runs after her)

Earl: (v,o)  I’d like to say I ran to Gwen’s house to apologise but the truth is I didn’t want to get in trouble.

(Gwens father is drinking beer and is quite intoxicated)

Earl: I didn’t shoot her, I shot a crow that must of been carrying a rock that must of dropped an hit her in the butt.

Gwen’s father: Gwen how many times I told you don’t play with birds.

Earl: (v.o) Luckily for me, Gwen’s dad was a crazy drunk who believed a stupid lie from a juvenile delinquent over his own daughter.

Gwen: no way. Dad. Are you actually gonna believe that crap?

Gwen’sfather: (to Gwen) Inside. Inside!

END FLASHBACK – CUT BACK TO COURTROOM.

Gwen: Son of a bitch never believed a word I said. You know that was the last time I ever talked to him.

Earl: are you serious? In twenty years

Gwen: yep. 2 weeks later he left my mom for another woman. I don’t even know where he lives.

Patty: Out of my way. I’m not going to jail for a cheeseburger handy. (Patty is tackled by two officers)

Gwen: I got to go draw that. (Patty breaks away) Just forget about it Earl. I’ll see you around. (walks off)

Randy: why did you have a crush on her? She’s a bitch. Not the good kind, like the kiss my grits lady from the diner show, she was all ‘kiss my grits’ (smiling) we should go to Arizona.

Earl: did you hear that Randy? Cos of me, her and her dad never talked again. I got to fix that.

Randy: Earl, before when you said different cavity did you mean butt cavity?

Earl: I’m afraid so Randy.

Randy: sometimes I don’t like the world we live in.

CUT TO – A Trailer park – Earl and Randy drive up to Gwen’s fathers trilaer. He is outside doing something with a lamp and trying to pick up a lightbulb. He is drunk.

Earl: (v.o) It ends up Gwen’s dad wasn’t hard to find. He was living outside Hendersonville. I found out later it was because they wouldn’t let him inside Hendersonville.

Earl: Mr Waters. My name is Earl Hickey. You may not remember me, but I want to talk about you daughter.

Gwen’s father: Tipsy fops that was a (burps) light bulb

Earl; yeah 60 watt is a fine bulb. Anyway,  how do you feel about going to Camden to see your daughter?

Gwen’s father: plugshib in (starts plugging the lamp into a tree)

Randy: I bet he’s had 20 beers today. That’s how many I had when I tried to plug the television into that dog.

Earl: I don’t think he understood a word I said.

Randy: maybe we should go and come back another time.

Earl: I don’t think we can Randy. Karma bought me to the courthouse to do this now.

(Gwen’s father starts shaking the lamp)

Randy: he’s not just drunk he’s uncle roger drunk

Earl: I know. Look we’ll just bring him back to Camden anyway, pour some coffee in him, when he sobers up we’ll explain to him what I’m trying to do and then I’m sure he’ll want to see Gwen.

Earl: (v.o) Turns out getting Gwen’s dad back to Camden was a royal pain. When we stopped to get coffee to sober him up. Even that turned into a nightmare.

CUT TO – Inside store – Montage of events -  Gwen’s farther turns on all the slurpy machines. Earl struggles to put cups underneath the nozzles. Gwens father puts a handful of corn chips in Earls hand.

Earl: there’s no more cups. Can I get some more cups please?

(Gwen’s father puts hot cheese on the chips that Earl is holding, burning his hands.)

Earl: sorry about that.

(Gwen’s dad is urinating in the fridge)

Earl: that’s not the bathroom.

CUT TO – Randy and Earl leaving the store carrying the large cup of coffee.

Earl: where is he?

(Gwen’s father is laughing on top of the roof of the store throwing empty cans at Earl and Randy.)

Earl: (v.o) We got him off the roof by telling him we had beer hidden in the back of the El Camino and if he could find it he could have it.

(Gwen’s father is looking for the beer as Earl drives to Camden)

Randy: the sign says 60miles to Camden, I wonder why they call it a mile.

Earl: probably cos that’s what it is. What else you gonna call it? A corp. no one would know what your talking about.

(Gwen’s father jumps out of the back of the el Camino. Earl notices him in the boat of the car that’s passing them. He found some beer. He waves to them and Randy waves back)

Earl: what are you doing?!?

(Earl notices the red light ahead and slams on the brakes.  The car keeps driving and Gwen’s father disappears on the back)

Earl: Son of a bitch.

CUT TO – Gwen’s father’s trailer park – he is passed out in front of his door.

Earl: (v.o) After losing Gwen’s dad, we back tracked to his trailer hoping to find him there.

Randy: I miss Uncle Roger, except for when he used to lick my cheeks.

Earl: cos he was hungry and you had food on your face. If you would’ve used a napkin once in a while he would’ve left you alone. (Earl walks over the Gwen’s father and touches him) I don’t think we can get this guy back to Camden Randy. I’m gonna have to bring Gwen here. Lets start by getting him inside.

(Randy walks over and they both lift Gwen’s father)

Earl: (v.o) patching up Gwen and her father was proving to be hard. But we weren’t giving up. Back at the trailer park, Darnell was trying to patch things up too.

CUT TO – Joy’s Trailer – Darnell is finishing patching up the hole in the wall

Darnell: Look baby I fixed the wall.

Joy: that’s for Earl to fix not you. (punches the hole back in the wall)

CUT TO

Earl: alright this is all the booze he’s got. Its gonna take me a couple of hours to get Gwen os just make sure he doesn’t drink anything.

Randy: what’s he doing in there?

Earl: he’s awake now so I put him in the bath and threw in a bar of soap.

Randy: what did he look like naked?

Earl: kinda like ET when they found him by the river.

Randy; that poor little monkey, he just wanted to phone home.

CUT TO – Courthouse – Patty’s trial – Earl is sitting behind Gwen who is drawing the proceedings.

Earl: (v.o) when I got to the court house, I had to wait for a break in the trial to talk to Gwen,

Prosecutor: Your honour the defendant solicited sex from a uniformed officer in the middle of the day.

Patty: that is a lie.

Prosecutor: Show the video

(Video: Patty approaches the police car which has a camera, and she climbs onto the bonnet)

Patty: Hey I know you’re a uniformed officer and it’s the middle of the day but would you like to have sex with me for money.

(Courtroom – the defence council looks defeated)

Defence: Your honour. I would like to resign as this woman’s council.

(After the trial, Earl talks to Gwen)

Earl: (v.o) When I told Gwen what I was doing, well she wasn’t very happy.

Gwen: no way. I’m not going to Hendersonville to talk to that son of a bitch.

(A lady with her daughter approaches Gwen)

Claretta: Gwen, it’s my daughter Bianca’s birthday –

Gwen: I do not draw children, Claretta.

Earl: look I had a bad relationship with my dad too but… patching it up makes you feel really good.

Gwen: oh yeah. Well I’m guessing your father didn’t treat you like crap your entire childhood. (Loretta walks up to Gwen holding cake) I do not want cake Claretta. (To Earl) Just forget about this ok. Its not your fault. You’re just the straw that broke the camel’s back. (Gwen walks away)

Earl: but that’s the thing, I’m the straw. Without the straw the camel wouldn’t have a broken back.

Gwen: Yes, but if you remove the straw from the camel’s back doesn’t fix it, the camel is still dead.

Earl: (thinking, speechless) Camel’s can go 40 days without water.

Gwen: We’re done here. (leaves the courtroom)

CUT TO – Gwen’s Fathers trailer – Randy is sitting outside on a step. Earl pulls up in the car.

Earl: she wouldn’t come with me. (walks to the door) Where’s the booze? (looking around, the door is locked) Randy why is the door locked?

Randy: He tricked me. Please don’t make me say how. (Embarrassed, looks like he’s about to cry)

FLASHBACK – Randy is sitting outside the trailer, Gwen’s dad opens a window of the trailer and throws out packaged meat, Randy gets up to get it. In the meantime, Gwen’s father walks out the front door and steals the booze. END FLASHBACK – CUT BACK TO TRAILER.

Randy: He threw my favourite food at me Earl, what was I supposed to do?

Earl: Randy, Baloney isn’t your favourite food, animal crackers are.

Randy: no. they’re my favourite food shaped like an animal. Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?

Earl: (v.o) That’s when I snapped. I was gonna get Gwen and her father together whether they liked it or not.

(Earl storms off. He is then seen, nailing board across the windows and doors. And hitching the trailer to the back of the El Camino and driving off.)

CUT TO – Outside Courthouse – Earl pulls up and parks the car. And takes the boards of wood off the door. Gwen is walking out of the courthouse.

Earl: There she is. Get these boards off (hands Randy the hammer and runs to Gwen) Hey Gwen.

Gwen: For the love of god, if I shoot you with a bb gun will you leave me alone.

Earl: nah it’s too late for that. I know what you said about the whole camel and straw thing and you’re a better arguer than me but I just can’t live with this on my conscience. So I went ahead and brought you dad here.

Gwen: you what?

(points to the trailer. Randy is finished taking off the boards and he father is exiting the trailer with his pants down)

Randy: Earl, his pants are down.

Earl: he doesn’t know that Randy. Just pull em up.

Randy: I don’t wanna. He’s gross and his pants are gross.

Earl: Randy

Gwen: oh my god that’s my dad. That’s his house.

(Randy tries pulling up Gwen’s fathers pants)

Gwen’sfather: hey hey no no no

Gwen: he looks terrible.

Earl: I know. He’s kinda drunk.

(Randy is still  trying to pull up Gwen’s fathers pants)

Gwen’sfather: you pull em up. I’ll poop em.

Gwen: oh my god look at him.

Earl: do you want me to hold him down so you can talk to him?

Gwen: no

Earl: please. If you talk to him for a minute

(Randy is still struggling with Gwen’s father, Gwen’s father is now hugging a parking meter)

Gwen: I’ve wasted half my life being angry at him thinking he got away with treating me like crap. Look at him, he didn’t get away with anything. He’s just….got what was coming to him.

Earl: Karma.

(Randy finally get Gwen’s fathers pants up.)

Gwen: wow, this is weird. The first time in twenty years that I don’t feel mad at my dad. (starts smiling) Its nice.

Earl: (v.o) it was then I remembered whey I had a crush on Gwen 20 years ago, it was her smile. She always had a beautiful smile. (Earl watches Gwen smile)

Earl: so you gonna go talk to him.

Gwen: no. I got everything I needed. Thanks for bringing him down here Earl. You can cross me off your list.

(Gwen walks away smiling)

Earl: (v.o) I’d be lying if I said this was the end I was rooting for, I was hoping Gwen and her dad would make up on the spot, but sometimes relationships don’t work out that way. Sometimes the best you can hope for is at least one person walking away happier.

(Randy runs up to Earl on the courthouse stairs)

Randy: I locked him in the El Camino (The El Camino starts up and drives off) I might of locked him in there with the keys.

Earl: that’s alright Randy, he won’t get far. He doesn’t know you’re supposed to put your foot over the hole in the floor to keep the exhaust out. Lets go follow him.

(Earl and Randy jog behind the trailer)

Randy: Can we stop and get some baloney. I got the taste for baloney.

Earl: can’t make any promises that we’ll see a place.

CUT TO – Courtroom – Patty’s trial is finishing. Gwen’s drawing has the judge and Patty smiling.

Earl: (v.o) once Gwen let go of some of that anger for her dad, not only did she find her smile again, now she found the smiles in other people too.

Judge: I hereby sentence you to a $500 fine.

Patty: Any chance you want to take that 500 out in trade. (Judge rolls his eyes) I’ll let you take a ride on the Patty-wagon. Whoop.

(Gwen is smiling at her drawing, when a lady taps her on the shoulder)

Lady: (to Gwen) you do such beautiful work, would you sketch my little girl?

Gwen: why not? (smiling)

CUT TO – Joy’s trailer – Earl is patching up the hole. Joy is watching on amused.

Earl: (v.o) I realised that sometimes even when you didn’t do anything wrong, its ok to let stuff go and try and patch things up.

Joy: see I told you it was your fault dummy.

Earl: (v.o) its better this way. Holding onto anger just eats you up inside. Besides karma’s always there to make sure things work out the way they should

(Joy turns around and trips over the Jesus painting)

Joy: Damnit. Who left Jesus and his buddies down here?

(Joy angry. Earl just smiles and finishes the patching the hole in the wall)

THE END

Starring:

JAIME PRESSLY as Joy
JASON LEE as Earl
ETHAN SUPLEE as Randy
NADINE VELAZQUEZ as Catalina
EDDIE STEEPLES as Darnell
and
MIRIAM SHOR as Gwen Waters
GEOFFREY LEWIS as Gwen's Father

MARC BUCKLAND – Executive Producer
GREGORY THOMAS GARCIA – Executive Producer
GREG GARCIA – Creator
JASON LEE – Producer
HENRY J LANGE JR. – Producer

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Transcribed by LAUREN for http://www.twiztv.com
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