The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of LAUREN.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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OPENING CREDITS

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Earl: You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks. Well, that was me, Every time something good happened to me, something bad was waiting right round the corner. Karma, that’s when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I’ve ever done and one by one I’m gonna make up for all my mistakes, I’m just trying to be a better person. My Name is Earl.

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OPENING SCENE – A large house, a kid throwing a ball into a net in the yard. Earl and Randy are watching the kid through the bushes.

Earl: (v.o) You may be wondering why me and Randy are hiding in the bushes watching a little kid. Well it all started about 6 years ago and I don’t mean our watching little kids.

FLASHBACK – 2000 - Earl and Joy are looking through the same bushes casing a house, Randy is playing one-sided ‘rock,paper scissors’ with the baby (Dodge)who is strapped to Joy’s back.

Earl: (v.o) Joy had recently given birth to my illegitimate child and we didn’t have a fancy nanny so every day was take your baby to work day.

(The owners of the house leave and Earl nods to Joy and Randy and the three of them run towards the house. Inside the house Earl and Randy are rushing to steal as many things as possible.)

Joy: (standing by the fridge) Would you dummies relax.. (points to note on fridge) Aunt Edna’s birthday party 5-8. We got all night. Now who wants rich people food? (opens fridge) Oooh ya’ll they got real cheese.

(They hear the door open and people talking)

Earl: (v.o) Unfortunately the family only left to pick up the guest of honor. Aunt Edna’s party was here and that changed the plans from robbing to get the hell out. We tried to escape but unfortunately our crime scene became a party scene and we were trapped.

(As the family help Aunt Edna to another room, Randy Earl and Joy run for the door, but party guests are arriving, so they split up. Randy and Earl run to another room and Joy runs upstairs.Earl is about to enter a room, but turns when he hears the sound of voices)

Lady: Isn’t’ this just ??? just dreadful taste.

Earl: (v.o) it was every man woman and baby for himself. (Joy is lowering Dodge out of the bathroom window with a sheet).

(Randy is hiding behind a plant in the library)

Male guest: Who’s that Boo Radley guy behind the plant?

(Randy breaks off a branch covers his face and slowly walks out of the room)

Female guest: That’s Rose’s son. The one she was pregnant with for nearly a year. It’s really sad. I think he’s only 11.

(In the background Randy exits through the front door)

Earl: (v.o) Everyone got out. Everyone but me.

(Earl is running down the stairs until a father and son start walking up them)

Albie’s dad: come on. Its time for bed.

Son: can I sleep in your bedroom.

Albie’s dad: You’re too old for that Albie.

(Inside Albie’s bedroom)

Albie: Tell me a story daddy.

Albie’s dad: Ok. Once upon a time there was a giant armadillo.

(Albie gets in bed, his dad sits down)

Voice from downstairs:  are you still up there?

Albie’s dad: You know I should be getting back to the guests. Sleep tight sport

Albie: at least leave the lights on to keep the boogeyman away

Albie’s dad: we’ve been through this Albie. You know there is no such thing as the boogeyman. Ok? (turns off the light)  Goodnight. (closes door)

Albie: (to himself)There’s no such thing as the boogeyman. (looks at a bear’s head on the wall) There’s no such thing as the boogeyman. There’s no such thing as the boogeyman. (looks at toy dinosaur on chair) There’s no such thing as the boogeyman. (looks at the open cupboard door. Gets up and walks around room) there’s no such thing as the boogeyman. (looks under bed, Earl is under there, both of them scream. Earl runs out of the room, down the stairs) AHHH THERE IS A BOOGEYMAN.  THERE IS A BOOGEYMAN!

END FLASHBACK – CUT TO PRESENT and  Earl and Randy are walking through the bush up to the kid.

Earl: (v.o) And there you have it. Number 239 made a kid scared of the boogeyman.

Randy: Look Earl he’s got a trampoline. We should steal it and put in the motel parking lot and we could use it to go up and down from our room without ever having to use the stairs.

Earl: Randy we’re here for the kid not his trampoline. (walks up to kid) Hey there little guy.

Albie: (screams) it’s you. (picks up a croquet bat and starts swinging it around like a sword)

Earl: take it easy with that fancy hammer kid. Just put it down. I’m just here to talk to you.

 (Randy walks to the trampoline and gets on it).

Earl: (v.o) I explained my list and the whole boogeyman misunderstanding to Albie. And I realized if you talk to kids like they’re adults, they’ll treat you with the same respect.

Albie: you’re a buttwad and I hate you!

Earl: look I was a buttwad, but now I’m trying not to be. I know I can’t unscare you but maybe there is some other way to make it up to you.

Albie: how?

Earl: sometimes the people on my list they choose how I’m gonna make things up to them.

Albie; so whatever I say you have to do? Buttwad.

Earl: yeah that’s kind of how it works.

Albie: be my slave all day.

Randy: (jumping on the trampoline) you should do it Earl. Being a slave should be cool. You get to sing while you work.

Earl: fine I’ll do it.

(Albie smile and motions Earl to follow)

Earl: (v.o) Albie suggestion was a little childish but he was just a kid. Unfortunately he handle firearms like an adult. (Earl is standing in front of Albie who is holding 2 paintball guns, shooting Earl as he runs away.)

(As Albie is shooting Earl with paintballs, Albie’s father is moving the pram of Albie’s twin brothers as Albie’s stepmother video records them, not caring what Albie is doing)

Albie’s Stepmom: (to one of the twins) Ok Edwin smile like your brother. Smile. Edwin. Get your hands off your wee wee.

Albie’s Dad: (not looking at Albie) Albie we’re gonna be back late. There is sandwich stuff in the fridge if you get hungry ok.

(Earl hiding behind a plastic kids cubby waves to Albie to stop shooting, Earl stands up from the cubby and he is covered in paintballs, especially in the crotch area)

Earl: excuse me ahh if you’re gonna keep aiming for my crotch you think you can get me an ashtray or something I could put down the front of my pants.

Albie: I’m bored. Lets play boat.

(Earl closes his eyes and sighs)

CUT TO – A remote control speed boat in the pool. Albie is sitting in a blow up chair while Earl is pushing him around.

Albie: starboard. Starboard. (Earl turns him) That’s port. I said starboard.

Earl: I told you Albie, I don’t know fancy sailing terms.

Albie: the anchorage does not talk to the captain. It makes engine sounds.

(Earl wearing a nose plug sighs in frustration yet puts his mouth in the water to make noise and blow bubbles.)

CUT TO – Earl wearing an apron, has made a sandwich walks over to Albie who is playing video games.

Albie: (looks at sandwich) wrong

Earl: can you at least tell me what I did wrong.

Albie: nope. Figure it out.

Earl: alright. I’ll try turkey and mayo no pickles. (walks away)

Albie: good luck with that.

CUT TO – Night – Earl is lying on a chair outside. Albie is standing at his window talking to Earl. There are the sound of crickets.

Earl: (v.o) once it got dark I figured I’d be able to go home. But Albie decided I needed to sleep underneath his window in case he needed something.

Albie: I’m gonna to sleep. Try and keep the crickets down will ya.

Earl: how?

Albie: scare em. You’re good at that.

Earl: (sighs) Rrrrrrr. (the crickets stop)

Randy: (offscreen) Earl.  Earl. (Earl hears him and gets up, climbs through the bush)  How’s being a slave? Is it fun?

Earl: no it isn’t fun Randy. I got shot with paintballs. Was used as a motorboat, was forced to race his dog on all fours.

Randy: that’s not fair Earl. Dogs are used to racing on all fours. I bet he won. Did he win?

Earl: yeah he won.

Randy: Still great day paintball and you got to race an animal, you’ll beat him next time, you just have to practice. Unless the dog practices too which he probably will.

Albie: (offscreen) Earl!  Earl! Where are you?

Earl: great I wonder what his highness wants now.

Randy: (sympathetic) bye Earl.

(Earl walks back to his chair, Albie is standing at his window again.)

Albie: Where were you?

Earl: I had to explain to my friends that I couldn’t come home cos you might want a hot pocket at 2 in the morning.

Albie: I was here all alone and you weren’t here to protect me. (Walks away from window, upset)

(Earl looks at the window thinking.)

Earl: (v.o) That’s when I started to realize that there was more to Albie than just being spoiled. And when his light stayed on all night well I knew for sure. (Earl lying on the chair looking at Albie’s window) Albie was scared of the dark because some idiot hid under his bed. And since I was that idiot I had to help him.

CUT TO – Joy’s Trailer – Joy is give Darnell a manicure.

Earl: (v.o) I had no idea how to cure kid problems but I knew someone who had caused a lot of kid problems. So I went to her for help.

Darnell: it feels weird.

Joy: it’s not weird. It’s metrosexual. Pretty soon metrosexuality is gonna hit Camden County and  all the men start turning half fruits Joy’s Nails is gonna be ready (smiles)

(Earl walks in)

Earl: Joy do you remember a few months ago when Dodge was scared of the dark

Joy: yeah. Unfortunately that was my fault cos when he heard us having sex I told him it was me fighting off the wolf man.

FLASHBACK – Dodge is standing outside the doorway listening to Joy  talking at Darnell

Dodge: Mommy are you ok?

Joy: Go to bed honey. Mommy’s just …fighting off the wolf man again.

END FLASHBACK – CUT TO Trailer.

Earl: so how did you cure him?

Joy: Fortunately he got brave one time and walked in to save me and he saw there was no wolf man… just Darnell ploughing me. (Joy smiles)

Darnell: He still won’t look me in the eye.

Earl: ok well thanks for the advice.

(Joy is filing Darnell’s nails)

Darnell: leave the pinky finger alone, I like to use it to get between my sock and shoe to scratch my foot.  (Joy looks disturbed by this)

CUT TO – Albie throwing the ball at the net and catching it.

Earl: (v.o) The first thing I had to do to help Albie was help him admit his fear.

(Albie doesn’t catch the ball and Earl picks it up. Albie turns around and sees him)

Albie: what are you doing here? You only had to be my slave for a day.

Earl: it’s ok to be scared of the dark Albie.

(Earl throws the ball to him and whenever each them finish speaking, they throw the ball to the other)

Albie: I’m not scared of the dark.

Earl: alright. But even if you were its ok. I’m scared of stuff.

Albie: like what.

Earl: like sewer gators. You know they might come up and (imitates a croc biting something with his hand) bite me when I sit on the toilet so most time I just kinda hover. (Earl smiles)

Albie: I am scared of the dark.

Earl: I’m gonna help you get over that.

CUT TO – Albie in bed dims the lights, Earl is sitting in the tree outside his window.

Earl: (v.o) Albie agreed to dim the lights a little each night as long as I was there to protect him.

Albie: Earl.

Earl: I’m here Albie.

Albie: I know. I was wondering… whats it like having a moustache.

Earl: let me give you one piece of advice Albie. The second your bodys ready grow one.

Earl: (v.o) turning down the lights that night helped Albie a little bit. But really helped was just talking. the next night we dimmed the lights a little more and talked about relationships.

Earl: why don’t you ask her out.

Albie: I don’t know what you said really scared me.

Earl: (shakes his head) no well Joy’s a bad example. Not all women are like that. (looks unsure of that statement)

Earl: (v.o) the next night he dimmed the lights even more and talked about some of life’s biggest questions.

Earl: well no one really knows for sure but I like to think the first thing that happens in heaven is that you get to watch your whole life on TV.

Albie: that’s cool. So one day we might both be watching ourselves on TV.

Earl: (thinks) yeah maybe.

(rolls over on to his back at waves to the sky)

Albie: Hey dead Albie.

(Earl looks up to the sky)

Earl: hey dead Albie

Earl: (v.o) and before we knew it the little guy didn’t even need the light at all.

Albie: good night Earl

Earl: good night Albie.

CUT TO – morning – Albie wakes up and runs over to window where Earl is asleep with snails on his face.

Albie: Earl wake up! I did it I slept with the lights off and I wasn’t scared.

Earl: that’s great Albie.

Albie: whats that on your face?

Earl: snails. I stopped swatting them off around midnight.

CUT TO – Motel Room – Earl is yawning lying on his couch.

Earl: And after a week of sleeping on a tree full of bugs, I was looking forward to taking a nap on real furniture full of bugs.

Randy: I still can’t believe you didn’t call me when you were playing paintball. It combines two of my favourite things – toy guns and paint.

Earl: There’s not gonna be anymore paint guns for me Randy. I’m crossing him off my list. (crosses off his list)

(Knock at the door, Earl opens it while still laying on the couch, Albie is standing there with a bag. Earl looks shocked)

Albie: I want to live with you.

Randy: wait three things I also like balls. (Albie looks confused) Balls of paint, I like balls of paint.

CUT TO – Albie sitting on the bed, Earl is talking to him.

Earl: what do you mean you want to live with me.

Albie: you care about me Earl. My dad doesn’t. I’ve been scared of the dark for ages and he didn’t do anything about it.

Earl: (v.o) Albie went on the paint a picture of his home life, ever since his dad remarried and had twins, Albie was completely ignored. I felt bad for him.

Randy: check it out Earl, it’s a super hero mask. (puts a pair of Albie underpants on.) These eyes are pretty far apart. (Earl rolls his eyes and Randy realizes what they really are and takes them off) Oh..

Earl: You can’t just leave home and hide out here. (Picks up the phone receiver) The number for George Tolverse? please.

Randy: he can live here Earl. We can make him sleep sideways at the foot of our bed.. you know to keep our toes warm. (to Albie) Do you have fuzzy pajamas?

Earl: (in phone) Hello? Mr Tolverse?. Yeah I just wanted you to know that I’ve got your son. No the other son. Not the other son. Yeah that’s him. he’s right here and I’m – (Albie bangs on the phone, disconnecting the call) Hello? Hello? (to Albie) why did you do that?

Albie: I was the last one he thought of. I don’t want him to know where I am.

Earl: (picks up receiver and the phone) Yeah its me again.

Albie’s Dad: listen I don’t who you are but I want you to know that you have my full cooperation. Just don’t hurt Albie.

Earl: What? No no no no i-i-I you don’t understand what’s going on here. Albie’s sitting right next to me – (Albie pulls the phone jack out of the wall)

Albie: I’m not going home. (Albie storms into the bathroom)

Earl: Albie. Yes you are get back here. (Earl banging on the door) Albie Albie open up

Randy: is he gonna be in there a while Earl;. I didn’t have to use the bathroom but now that I can’t I’m getting kinda antsy. (squirms on the couch)

CUT TO – Earl trying to unlock the bathroom door.

Earl: come on Albie, it’s been half an hour enough ok. Come on out now.

Albie: how come there is two of you but only one deodorant in here?

Randy: (watching TV)  oh we’re brothers so we share.

Earl: (stops fiddling with the door and looks at Randy) We do?

Randy: look Earl the motel’s on TV.

(Earl walks over to the TV. The TV shows a crowd has formed outside the motel. Earl walks over to the window, Albie joins him. A SWAT team and police are gathered outside)

Earl: oh my god. They think we’re… (looks at Albie) I’m gonna go explain everything to them.

Albie: I don’t want to go home. If you go out there I’ll tell them you kidnapped me.

Earl: and I’ll tell them I didn’t

Albie: Then I’ll tell them you did.

Randy: and I’ll tell them yu didn’t.

Albie: (to Randy) Then I’ll tell them you put my underwear on your head.

Randy: uh oh… I’m sorry Earl. I really did think it was a mask. (looks down in embarrassment)

(Earl sighs looks out the window then at Albie and then walks away defeated)

CUT TO – Albie and Randy playing battleship.

Reporter on TV: we’re on hour two of the kidnapper standoff. Usually the palmtree motel isn’t known for its …. But today there may a … to a kill.

Earl: alright we gotta do something. We can’t just stay locked up in here forever.

Albie; why not. Its fun.

Earl: Albie you’re not thinking this thing through. I mean how long do you think we can stay locked up in here when we don’t even have any food. Just give up.

(Albie gets off the bed opens the door and yells at the cops)

Albie: they said they’re gonna kill me if you don’t give us pizza!

Earl: Albie what are you doing?

Randy: Hey, tell them we’ll still kill ya if its not pepperoni.

Earl: RANDY! Ok there’s got to be a way. Maybe Catalina’s outside explaining we’re not kidnappers. She knows about Albie and my list.

CUT TO –Outside in the parking lot, you can see Catalina peeking through a curtain looking at the commotion outside.

Earl: (v.o) Unfortunately Catalina is an illegal immigrant and thought all the SWAT teams were out there for her.

(Albie’s Dad pulls up and gets out of his car and runs to the cops)

Albie’s Dad: That’s my son up there. (takes a cops megaphone) Don’t worry Albie, we’re not gonna let anything happen to you.

Detective: When we want to use the blow horn, we ask to use the blow horn. We do not snatch the blow horn.

(Motions to another cop, who pushes Albie’s Dad away)

CUT TO - Inside Motel Room, Earl and Albie watch Albie’s dad

Earl: see your dad cares about you.

Albie: tsk. He’s just saying that cos the cameras are here. He doesn’t want to look like the bad dad on TV.  

Randy: Earl it’s almost 2. can we switch the TV over and watch Win, Lose or Draw.

CUT TO -  Outside the Motel, The SWAT team are at work, Albie’s Dad is looking at a chopper fly over head.

Earl: (v.o) A simple misunderstanding becomes a lot less simple when you add choppers and a SWAT team. Those guys have bazookas.

CUT TO – Inside Motel room – Randy and Albie are lying on the bed watching TV and eating pizza. Earl is pacing back and forth.

Earl: I can’t take it anymore. I’m going out there.

Albie: I’ll tell them you kidnapped me.

Earl: fine. You say whatever you want Albie. I’m gonna tell the truth and take my chances.

Reporter on TV: Camden Police Department has identified the kidnapper as Earl Hickey. With me is alledged kidnappers former wife Joy Turner. Joy, what was it like to be married to a monster

Joy: truthfully I didn’t know he was capable of something like this, but I know earlier in the week he was asking about spending nights with a boy.

Reporter: so this was planned

Joy: but it was ok, cos the boy was on his list.

Reporter: he has a list of boys?

(Earl looks frustrated)

Joy: Look before this goes any further I just want to say one thing. If you’re looking for reasonably priced manicures gentle enough for a woman and man enough for a half fruit. Call Joy’s Nails. We’re in the book. (smiles)

Reporter: (to Darnell) you know the suspect,  do you have anything to add.

Darnell: well I don’t know if he’s watching this but if he is, Hey Earl.

Earl: (to the TV) Hey Crabman.

CUT TO – Motel Parking Lot – Joy is looking at the detectives hand.

Joy: See what I do is push these cuticles back, they’ll look a lot more clean

Albie’s Dad: is this the kind of thing you need to be doing right now.

Detective: Sir it’s a waiting game.

Albie’s Dad: look I’m tired of waiting. (knocks the megaphone out of the detectives hands and storms off)

(Joy grabs Darnell and runs off)

Detective: (in megaphone) That’s not cool man.

Albie: he’s leaving. He’s not even pretending to care anymore. (sits down on bed)

Earl: pretending that you’re kidnapped isn’t helping your relationship with your dad. (Randy is pulling on Earls shirt, earl swats him away) and to be honest its strained our relationship a little bit. (to Randy) Would you stop poking me!

Randy; I’m just trying to catch that cool little dot that’s on your back. (Earl turns around) Now its on your belly. (Earl quickly realizes what it is and drops to the ground) It went away. (Looks down, its on his own belly) oh there it is.

Reporter: there has been a new development on the child kidnapping case. The victims father has climbed the fire escape to the motel roof

(Albie’s Dad is running across the roof)

Detective: what is that jackass doing?

(Albie is watching it on TV, Earl and Randy stop struggling on the floor)

Earl: well I’ll be damned.

(Albie’s Dad slides down the side of the roof, and hangs from the roof before jumping on the motels verandah)

Randy: look I see your dad’s legs on TV and out there in real life too.

Detective: Shoot that idiot with a bb gun.

Albie’s Dad: (through window) Albie. (Gets shot with the bb gun)

Albie: Dad! (runs outside) dad are you ok?

Albie’s Dad: Albie. I love you son. Lets go home son. (they walk away together)

Earl: (v.o) it was hard to upset with Albie, he was just a kid that wanted to know that his dad loved him. even though he could be a pain sometimes seeing Albie happy made me happy too. I just wish he was a little quicker in explaining the situation to the police.

(A smoke bomb gets thrown into the motel room)

Randy: look Earl fancy smoke. It’s making me sad.  (Randy picks it up)

Earl: Randy put it down.

Randy: but is so pretty

Earl: put it down

Randy: I really like it Earl.

Earl: Put it down Randy.

Randy: (starting to cry) its so pretty Earl. Its so pretty. Its so pretty.

Earl: (coughing) put it down Randy.

CUT TO CLOSING CREDITS – Randy and Earl are lying in bed.

Randy: hey Earl

Earl: yeah Randy

Randy: did you hear about me and the cheeto

Randy: it was pretty amazing. I was eating some cheetos and I missed my mouth with one and it bounced off my chin and onto my shoulder and then it rolled all the way down my arm and right back into the bag.

Earl: sounds pretty amazing.

Randy: I now know what the Crab Shack been talking about

Earl: cool. Night Randy

Randy: good night Earl (Rolls over and closes his eyes, opens his eyes) I made it up Earl

Earl: I know you did. Last year you told me the same story about a good and plenty.

Randy: it’d be pretty cool if it happened though.

Earl: yeah it’d be cool.

THE END

Starring:

JAIME PRESSLY as Joy
JASON LEE as Earl
ETHAN SUPLEE as Randy
NADINE VELAZQUEZ as Catalina
EDDIE STEEPLES as Darnell
and
MALCOLM DAVID KELLEY as Albie
LEONARD EARL HOWZE as Albie's Dad

MARC BUCKLAND – Executive Producer
GREGORY THOMAS GARCIA – Executive Producer
GREG GARCIA – Creator
JASON LEE – Producer
HENRY J LANGE JR. – Producer

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Transcribed by LAUREN for http://www.twiztv.com
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