The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of LAUREN.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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OPENING CREDITS

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Earl: You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks. Well, that was me, Every time something good happened to me, something bad was waiting right round the corner. Karma, that’s when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I’ve ever done and one by one I’m gonna make up for all my mistakes, I’m just trying to be a better person. My Name is Earl.

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OPENING SCENE – The Bargain Bag, Darnell is riding on one of the kids rides. A security guard walks out the door as the camera pans in to a line up at customer service, Earl and Joy are in line, Earl is holding a ticket dispenser. Hank Lange is with them.

Earl: (v.o) The local bargain bag is known for its bad customer service but we couldn’t really blame them for that, as a matter of fact they can blame us. And that’s why we were here. To make up for number 24 on the list – Stole a red ticket number machine.

Donny: (to Earl, reading bible) I want to thank you for including us in your list Earl. I appreciate any opportunity to repent from my sinful days. I want Jesus to see this. (opens his shirt to show his Jesus tattoo.)

Joy: (looking at tattoo) is that who that is? I saw him peeking out, I thought that was Willie Nelson.

Bargain Bag employee: Next!

Darnell: (to ticket machine) goodbye little fella. Never even gave you a name.

Randy: (running in to store) Earl!! You can’t give back the ticket thing

Earl: we talked about this I have to. Its on my list.

Randy: you can’t

Earl: Randy.

Randy: (holds out a ticket) its not your turn. (takes the ticket machine from Earl)

Joy: oh snap.

Earl: (v.o) I understood why Randy didn’t want to part with that ticket machine. It meant a lot to him. it meant a lot to all of us.

FLASHBACK – 1999 – Joy’s Trailer – Randy, Joy, Donny are standing around a box, while Earl hands them costumes.

Earl: (v.o) it was Christmas 1999 and I had met and married Joy only three weeks earlier. Since it was our first holiday together I wanted to include her in the gangs yuletide traditions.

CUT TO – A door, someone knocks on the door. A man opens it to Randy, Joy and Donny dressed up like carolers.

Man: Hey everyone, its caroler’s.

(Randy, Donny and Joy start singing ‘Deck the Halls’)

Earl: (v.o) While Donny, Randy and Joy spread good tidings I snuck in and robbed the place.

(Earl climbs/falls in through a window, he starts taking presents from under the tree dressed as Santa. A little girl walks in.)

Girl: are you Santa?

Earl: (sprung) oh ho ho.

Girl: why are you taking all the presents

Earl: well I think you thought hard enough you’d know the answer to that. Now off to bed or there won’t be a Christmas next year either. (turns the girl around and nudges her to walk away.)

Earl: (v.o) Don’t worry she’s on my list.

CUT TO – Crab Shack – Earl, Randy, Joy and Donny are opening the stolen presents.

Joy: if this is another damn thesaurus I’m gonna track down those dumb stupid (thinks for a moment) dumb people and teach them how to buy a proper gift.

(Donny is looking at his present, Randy takes the present off of Joy)

Randy: cool its one of them checker sets but for smart people and gays.

Darnell: (carrying a tray of beers) here you go.

Randy: who are you?

Darnell: Darnell. I’m new.

Earl: (v.o) Just a few weeks earlier, Darnell’s life took a dramatic turn and he had to relocate to Camden County.

CUT TO – A van pulling up on the side of a road. 2 mysterious men are sitting in the van with Darnell.

Driver: As soon as you get out of this van you become Darnell Turner. All the documents you need, birth certificate, driver’s license etcetera are in this envelope.

Darnell: (taking envelope) cool. (gets out of van)

Driver: And remember you can never be Harry Munroe again; you’re a totally new person.

Darnell: do I still like cheese?

Driver: Not if you want to stay alive you don’t.

(The van drives off leaving Darnell on the side of the road)

CUT BACK TO - Crab Shack - Darnell is now sitting at the table with the gang.

Earl: the more we hung out with Darnell the more we learned how smart he was.

Randy: why is it called Y2K?

Darnell: it means 2000 in computer and in a few days when it turns 2000 all the computers are gonna think it’s really year zero.

Joy: what the hell does that mean?

Darnell: all the computers will go berserk. Things like electricity, water, gas will be out. The banks will be out of money, stores will be out of food. All the high scores on video games will be reset.

Randy: even centipede?

Darnell: mmhmmm.

Joy: that’s messed up y’all. What’s the hells gonna happen to us?

Darnell: Well ….. cured at the hands of hungry citizens  that die of starvation.

Randy: do we get to choose?

Earl: what are we gonna do? We should do something. Right? We got to do something.

Darnell: well the best thing to do is hide somewhere and wait and see what happens.

Donny: we can use my sister’s basement. She’s off with another trucker.

Joy: now does she go off with a lot of truckers? (Earl kicks her under the table)

Donny: my sister falls in love easy if that’s what you’re asking.

Earl: (v.o) As we all tried to figure out how the hell we were gonna survive Y2K, we weren’t the only people preparing for an uncertain future.

CUT TO – Desert – Man with a donkey.

Earl: (v.o) As it turns out, our good friend Catalina was a world away. Prepared to make her journey to America.

(A man walk up to a wooden box where Catalina is sitting in and hands her bananas and a newspaper.)

Catalina: (Subtitled) I think its too dark to read.

Man: (subtitled) it’s not for reading. (He puts the lid on the box)

END CATALINA’S FLASHBACK – BACK TO ORIGINAL FLASHBACK – CUT TO Bargain Bag. Earl is pushing the trolley while Joy puts things in it.

Earl: (v.o) with the days leading up to Y2K we decided to stock up on survival supplies. And we weren’t the only ones.

(A man goes to reach for the last lantern, so does Donny. Donny stares him down and the man lets go)

CUT TO: Earl and Joy walking toward Randy who is holding a toy dog.

Earl: Randy I told you no robot dogs. We can only afford things we need to survive.

(Earl and Joy walk past Randy, and up an aisle)

Randy: but I already filled out the adoption papers. I named him biscuit.

Earl: put it back Randy.

(Darnell stops at the end of the aisle Joy and Earl are walking up)

Darnell: Hey Earl.

Earl: Hey……(looks at Joy) Crabman.

Joy: wow you really like cheese.

Darnell: Shhh. (looks around)

CUT TO – Joy, Earl, Donny and Randy walk out of the store, the security guard stops them.

Security guard: I’m gonna have to see a receipt and pat you down.

Earl: does that mean I have to take my boots off.

Security guard: probably.

Joy: what the hell’s going on?

Earl: sorry honey, but now that we’re married you’re gonna have to get used to this kind of thing. For some reason people tend to think me and Randy are criminals.

Joy: I understand baby. Everywhere I go I get dirty looks too.

Darnell: so do I.

Donny: me too. And it sucks. Cos we’re good people. (Opens his jacket and things fall out, Donny runs)

Darnell: it’s so crazy about them so worried about us stealing stuff. The whole store is gonna get looted during Y2K.

Joy: wait a minute. There’s gonna be looting. (Darnell nods) then why the hell did we just buy all this stuff. I’m gonna return mine and steal it tomorrow. (Joy goes back in the store, the others follow)

Randy: can I loot too Earl? There’s just so much I want to take. Plus I’m still a little bit upset about that Larry King verdict.

CUT TO – Donny’s sister basement.

Joy: You know what I’m gonna loot first….. I’m gonna loot me a RV, then I’m gonna take all the other stuff and put it into the RV. And if somebody tries to stop me, I’m gonna drive over them in my RV. And I’m also looting a new pair of sandals.

Randy: Hey Darnell if all computers break does that mean we won’t have criminal record anymore.

Darnell: yep it’ll be cool the whole slate is gonna be wiped clean.

Randy: I like a clean slate, mine is filthy.

Earl: mine too.

Joy: oh my god, we’re missing it. 10…

Everyone: 9….8

Earl: I think the Y2K thing will be good for us, the whole deck is gonna be reshuffled.

Randy; yeah and maybe we won’t be on the bottom anymore.

Everyone: 3….2….1

(They blow their party whistles, the lights flicker and go out)

Darnell: it’s happening. >

Earl: (v.o) what we didn’t know then was that Donny Jones sister liked to screw two things – truckers and the electric company.

Earl: come on guys lets do this. The year zero is ours.

(They go to leave the basement and a loud banging is heard)

Darnell: that’s probably the power plant.

Donny: that sounds like machine guns firing.

Earl: (V.o) what we didn’t know was that every year Camden County had new years fireworks show. We’d never seen it before, we were usually passed out by 9.

Joy: Ya’ll that sounds like grenades.

Randy: grenades. None of us has grenades. I only have this bat. I could hit a grenade with the bat but I can only hit off a tee.

Earl: maybe we should loot in the morning.

Earl: (v.o) once the sun came up the other looters ran out of grenades we were excitied we would finally have a chance to steal every thing we ever dreamed of.

(Earl walks out of the house holding a broom, Randy a bat, Donny a hockey stick, Darnell a broom and Joy a tennis racket, blowing her gum into a bubble.)

CUT TO – the Gang walking down the empty road, carrying their weapons.

Earl: where is everybody? We’ve gone 10 blocks and haven’t seen a soul.

Donny: maybe they’re hiding.

Randy: Marco! Marco!

Joy: we’re not in the damn pool you idiot.  AllieAllieOxandfree.

(A loud noise is heard)

Donny: I bet a little bug did that.

Earl: maybe Randy was right and the dead did rise up and kill everybody.

Darnell: I think you’re right.

Joy: where are the bodies?

Donny: (whispering) maybe the computers are using them for fuel.

(They all just turn and run)

CUT TO – The gang running back to Donnys sister’s house.

Earl: (v.o) realizing we might be the only people left on earth on year zero freaked us out. What we didn’t know is that there was a reason why the streets were so empty. (Camden County New Years parade. Everyone from Camden is there.) We were always so drunk from the night before we were never awake to know there was a parade on new years day.

(Inside the house, the gang are walking down the stairs to the basement)

Joy: well I guess that’s it. Guess the world’s over.

Randy: I’m so angry at computers right now.

Earl: well… if the worlds over, I guess we’re gonna have to start a new one. Any ideas on how to do that, cos it sounds complicated.

Joy: well I think we need to make sure the new human race is made up of people of all different colours, you know like stirring up a melting pot (looks at Darnell)

Randy: I call president

Donny: yeah me too, I call president too.

Randy: we can’t have 2 presidents

Donny: says who?

Randy: says me. Now that I’m the president

Donny: one of them

Earl: guys we’re not gonna have a president.

Randy: but if we were I’d be the president.

Donny: don’t talk to me

Earl: (v.o) while we were trying to figure out the rest of our lives. Catalina was running for hers.

CUT TO – Through a guns target view eye people are running and getting shot at. Catalina is yelling to the people as they run.

Catalina: (subtitled) Go Go Leave him (and stares right at the gun)

CUT TO – Donny picking the lock at the Bargain Bag.

Earl: (v.o) As bummed out as we were about Y2K ending the world, we were also excited to go shopping.

(The door opens and the gang split up running through the store with a trolley each.  A sign is hanging on the wall ‘Closed January 1^st. See you at the parade.’)

Earl: (v.o) Being the last people on earth has it advantages. There was no one at the register so everything was in our price range. Plus there was no other shoppers grabbing stuff out of our carts when we weren’t looking. (Earl picks up a shirt and puts it in his trolley)

(Donny is standing in front of a camera, and turning around to see himself on the tv. The gang all push their trolleys up to the tv section.)

Earl: you guys ready to get out of here?

Donny: not me…I’m staying here forever.

Randy: you’re gonna live in the store. Earl he’s gonna live in the store.

Donny: I can live wherever I want.

Joy: yeah I mean we rule the world now. I may of moved to Florida if Y2K hadn’t snapped it off into the ocean

Randy: Earl can we live in the store too please can we?

Earl: I guess. It is bigger than the trailer and we wouldn’t have to load this crap in the car.

Donny: ok I claim the TV section.

Earl: oh hold on you can’t do that.

Donny: what are you gonna do, call the police? They’re dead. I can do whatever I want and I claim this section.

Joy: why the hell is it your section and not my section?

Donny:  A because you’re pregnant and can’t fight and B cos I got here first.

Earl: (v.o) Suddenly we all realized if there was something we wanted for our own, well we had to be the first one to get there.

(They all suddenly get there trolleys and start running towards their section of the store. Except for Donny who goes back to playing with the camera)

Earl: (v.o) So we all claimed our piece of paradise. (Randy is sitting in the toy section with his robot dog) Joy took the beauty products and pharmacy aisle

 (Joy is doing her sitting at the machine that checks blood pressure with the thing around her arm and it start pumping with air)

Joy: Help Help! The machines got me. Y2K! Y2K! (Starts pressing buttons but the air lets out) Never mind I scared it. It let go.

Earl: (v.o) Darnell seemed happy in his section (Darnell is reading greeting cards, laughing)

Darnell: oh I get it. My finger is his wiener.  (The card has a muscularly man and a whole in the crotch where Darnell has put his finger)

Earl: (v.o) And I found a section that was my own little slice of heaven. (Earl is sitting on the floor, licking cream out of the Oreo’s.) Everyone started out pretty happy with our little arrangement but eventually people began to have needs outside their aisles.

CUT TO – Joy bleaching her teeth, Earl walks up to her aisles.

Earl: Hey baby,

Joy: oh hey hubby, hey look on the back of that box and tell me how long I’m meant to keep these bleaching trays in.

Earl: (looking at box) Joy is says you’re not supposed to use these if you’re pregnant.

Joy: says the super government, which is dead. There’s no more rules anymore Earl. I could put this stuff in my eyes if I want to. Make the white parts whiter. (Earl accepts this and picks up a some stomach medicine) whoa whoa what are you doin?

Earl: my stomach hurts. I think I ate too many cookie insides.

Joy: you can’t just come in and take my stuff without asking.

Earl: but we’re married. It’s our stuff.

Joy; I don’t think so. I’m a separate accounts kinda woman… if you want something you’re gonna have to give me something for it.

Earl: (thinks) you want 3 bags of slightly licked insides of cookies.

Joy: I want a TV.

Earl: how am I supposed to get you a TV? I live in snack foods.

Joy: figure it out. (Puts the bleaching tray back in her mouth and Earl puts the medicine back on the shelf)

CUT TO – TV Section – Donny is playing with Playstation 1 cords. He puts the ends of the cords against his tongue. The TVs in the background show Earl looking in the camera.

Earl: Hey Donny. What can I trade you for a TV?

Donny: give me your wife.

Earl: I’m not giving you my wife. Pick a snack food.

Donny: Marshmallow Puffs smeared on your wife.

Earl: Donny.

Donny: ok. I’ll give you a TV but you got to owe me one favor. And I get to ask for that favor whenever I want and you can’t say no and you can’t know what that favors gonna be.

Earl: is the favor gonna be me giving you my wife

Donny: yep.

Earl: forget it (walks away)

Earl: (v.o) while Donny Jones was hard to negotiate with, He was kinda easy to fool.

(Donny is dancing in front of the camera watching himself on the tv’s, until he spots a licked cookie lying on the floor, while he goes to pick it up, he finds another and Earl in the background steals one of his TVs, Donny turns around just as Earl is running off with it.)

Donny: oh so there is crime now. Huh… (Smiles)

CUT TO – Earl carrying the TV, things begun being thrown at his head.

Earl: what the hell are you doin? (Donny has got a pitching machine throwing tennis balls at Earl)

Donny: you took my TV. I saw it on TV.

(Earl is defending himself from the balls. One of the balls roll down the aisle to Randy who is talking to his robotic dog)

Randy: who’s my good dog? Who’s my good boy? you are. (A ball hits the dog and Randy starts to scream)

Earl: yeah I took one. But you got 16 left

Donny: thief!

(Joy and Darnell walk up to the aisle where all the action is happening)

Joy: what the hell is going on?

Donny: Shut up you belong to me now.

Earl: you’re not getting my wife Donny.

(The robot dogs head is hanging from its body by a spring, Randy is walking down the aisle looking scared)

Randy: Earl?

(The Balls are flying still at Earl, one hits Earl in the shoulder)

Earl: Ow, Donny (Picks up a can of food and throws it towards Donny, It hits Randy in the head as he stops in the aisle spotting Earl, he drops to the ground unconscious.)

Joy: oh snap you just killed your own brother.

Donny: I claim the toy section.

CUT TO – Them all gathered around Randy lying on the floor with peas on his head.

Earl: (v.o) things had gotten out of control, it was gonna take more than peas to fix the problems in our new world.

Earl: what the hell’s the matter with us. How can we start a whole new world if we  can’t get through a day without having a tennis ball and pumpkin pie filling war.

Joy: cos we have got no goddamn rules. We need to figure a way to stop all this fighting

Donny: I know, we institute a scalping policy. Whenever two people argue they both get scalped.

(Randy gets up and stumbles away)

Earl: Randy where are you going. We’re making important decisions here. Randy I’m talking to you.

Donny: I say we scalp him.

Earl: we’re not scalping him.

Darnell: we could cut off his ear.

Earl: you know what maybe building a new world is too much for us, we’re just a bunch of lowlife criminals. No wonder everybody gives us dirty looks all the time.

(Randy stumbles back holding the red ticket machine)

Randy: we don’t have to argue anymore we can use this.

Joy: what the hells that?

Randy: it’s a ticket number thingy.

Joy: ooo like they have at the free clinic.

(Darnell and Earl look at her)

Randy: we all just take a number and whenever we have to make a decision the next number decides. That way there won’t be wars in our new world.

Earl: (v.o) Funny thing, it took a snack to the head to finally knock some sense into one of us. (They pat Randy on the shoulder.)

CUT TO – US – Mexico Border – A officer is walking up to a pickup truck.

Earl: (v.o) while Randy was getting us to a better place… a guy named Palo was helping Catalina do the same thing.

Officer: License and registration.

(Palo opens his glove compartment where Catalina’s head is showing. She hold his registration in her mouth.)

CUT TO – Randy and Joy lying on the massaging chairs. Darnell, Earl and Donny watch on.

Earl: (v.o) Right away we knew we were onto something with the ticket number machine. Whenever we would disagree we went straight to the numbers whoever had the lowest number got their way.

(Randy gets up, the 3 guys fight for the next turn, they stop and look at their tickets,67,69,66, Darnell sits down in the chair.)

( The four guys having trolley races down the aisles, crashing at the end, they get out their tickets, Randys is 70 and Donny is 67, Randy lets Donny past first).

CUT TO – Earl cooking meat on the BBQ and

Earl: (v.o) the number thing really helped us get along.  We stopped argueing and started having fun.  Our new society was really coming together. (Randy and Joy making the table, Donny and Darnell talking) We were the best we’d ever been.

(Sitting at the table)

Joy: to us.

All: to us. (all clink their beers)

Earl: and to Randy.

Donny: Yeah yeah good job finding that pull a piece of paper with the number print on it out of the…. Big red plastic thingy.

Earl: you know what kind of thinking that was….the kind of thiking a President does.

Randy: but we don’t have any presidents.

Earl: well maybe we need one.  All in favour of Randy being president?

(All hold up their hands)

Randy: President. That means I’m on top.

CUT TO – The gang all lying in beds. Earl and Randy are in the bunk beds. Randy is on top.

Earl: (v.o) by bedtime we were exhausted, but mostly we were proud. Thanks to Randy’s ticket machine we had done good on our first day running the world. If people were still alive to see us, they sure would not be giving us dirty looks that night.

Earl: hey Mr President.

Randy: yeah Earl

Earl: how’s it feel to be on top?

Randy: I don’t like it. It’s too high up here. Would you switch with me?

Earl: sure Randy.

(Earl and Randy swap beds)

Earl: (v.o) so we all went to sleep proud of ourselves looking forward to what the next day would bring.

CUT TO – Morning – The shop is open and customers are walking around the store. The gang is still asleep. Someone takes the robot dog out of Randy’s arm, waking him up.

Randy: Biscuit! (banging his head on the bunk, an old lady shaking her head at him)

(Darnell, Donny, Joy and Earl wake up and look around)

Earl: (v.o) But unfortunately the next day brought shoppers ready to take advantage of Bargain Bag’s January 2^nd sale. Turns out the world wasn’t over like we thought. The deck wasn’t reshuffled and we sere still on the bottom. (They all are climbing out of bed picking up their clothes) Nothing had changed at all. (Randy walks out holding the ticket machine and everyone is staring at them all as they walk out wearing pajamas.) Unfortunately our new world was over. But a new world is just beginning for Catalina who finally made it to America.

(Catalina is walking into Bargain Bag for the first time)

Catalina: (subtitled) your churches are so beautiful

(Randy sees her as he is leaving the store)

Randy: dibs

Earl: what?

Randy: nah doesn’t matter. She’s gone.

END FLASHBACK – CUT TO Bargain Bag 2006 – Randy holding tightly to the ticket machine.

Earl: (v.o) so 6 years later Bargain Bag still needed its ticket number machine and no matter how Randy felt I still needed to give it back.

Randy: it’s my turn Earl. I get to choose.

Earl: Randy, Look. That number machine means something to all of us but if we keep it then we’re just a bunch of crooks who stole a number machine. That’s not what that day was about.

Randy: but we were on top. I like being on top.

Earl: don’t worry Randy if we just keep doing the things on my list we’ll be back on top before you know it.

(Randy reluctantly walks up to the counter and hands over the ticket machine. Earl crosses it off his list)

CUT TO – The gang leaving the store, the security guard stopping them

Earl: (v.o) and even though we’re still looked down upon today, I’m confident that one day we won’t be. One day we will be seen the perfect people we were on that one perfect day.

(Randy opens his shirt, Donny opens his shirt, Earl opens his, Darnell just stands there with nothing to show, Joy stands there looking around)

Guard: ma’am

(Joy opens her jacket, items fall out, Earl just looks at her)

Earl: (v.o) of course for some of us that might take a Y3K.

Starring:

JAIME PRESSLY as Joy
JASON LEE as Earl
ETHAN SUPLEE as Randy
NADINE VELAZQUEZ as Catalina
EDDIE STEEPLES as Darnell
and
SILAS WEIR MITCHELL as Donny

MARC BUCKLAND – Executive Producer
GREGORY THOMAS GARCIA – Executive Producer
GREG GARCIA – Creator
JASON LEE – Producer
HENRY J LANGE JR. – Producer

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Transcribed by LAUREN for http://www.twiztv.com
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