The following is
not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "
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TRANSCRIPT:
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OPENING CREDITS
Earl: You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks. Well, that was me, Every time something good happened to me, something bad was waiting right round the corner. Karma, that’s when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I’ve ever done and one by one I’m gonna make up for all my mistakes, I’m just trying to be a better person. My Name is Earl.
OPENING SCENE – Crab Shack – Joy is saying goodbye to
Dodge and Earl Jr and Darnell. Earl is watching from the pool table with
Catalina and Randy.
Earl: (v.o) It was nice to see Joy so happy to
be with her kids …but that’s because they were leaving her alone for a week.
Going with Crabman to stay with his moms.
Joy: Thank you babies. You boys leaving for a
whole week is the best mothers day gift a mom could ask for.
Darnell: (holds out the tips jar) here’s
some extra spending money. Can you empty it out now; I need the jar for Mr
Turtle so I don’t have to buy him a seat on the bus.
Joy: oh yeah (tips out jar) Here you
go. Bye boys.
Dodge: we promise not to call Mommy.
Joy: Wouldn’t answer if you did. (blows
them a kiss)
Earl: (v.o) turns out Joy’s idea of a perfect
mothers day was having a week of not being a mother. And who could blame her,
being a mom is hard.
(Flashback of Joy cleaning the bathroom and lifting the
toilet lid to Mr Turtle swimming)
Joy: who the hell thinks its alright to put Mr
Turtle in the toilet? (Finding peanut butter and jelly spread on the wall)
Who the hell thinks its ok to paint a peanut butter and jelly mural on my wall?
(Doing laundry holding underpants) Who the hell…. (starts dry
retching, goes to toilet and finds Mr Turtle) Damnit, who keeps putting Mr.
Turtle in the toilet?
CUT TO Pool Table – Randy is playing with a ball and
Catalina is taking her shot, while Earl watches on.
Randy: I didn’t know it was Mother’s day tomorrow
Earl. Did you?
Earl: no I forgot.
Randy: are you gonna do something for your mom
Catalina?
Catalina: my mother is dead.
Randy: I’m sorry.
Catalina; no its ok. It was either her or
me.
Earl: (v.o) I felt bad about mother’s day cos
this wasn’t the first time we had to scramble at the last minute to get her a
gift. Back when we were kids all we had to do was wait for someone smaller,
weaker and prepared for mother’s day. (Young Earl and Randy hiding in the
bushes waiting for Kenny to walk past then tackling him to the ground and
stealing the present out of his bag) We knew we’d find something good in Kenny’s
backpack as it was the same place we did our Christmas shopping.
FLASHBACK - Carl and Kay Hickey are in bed, Young Earl
and Randy give her, her mother’s day present)
Kay: Oh Earl did you wrap this? Its pretty
paper, shame to tear it up, could have saved that for another day. (opens
box) oh my. Look Carl, look what the boys made, it’s a little coupon book.
(the boys proud faces, fall to shocked ones) Clean the house for mom, Do
the dishes for mom, breakfast in bed for mom, oh I’m gonna use this one right
now. (Earl and Randy go off without enthusiasm) I like marmalade on my
toast.
Earl: (v.o) stolen coupons sure made mom happy,
until she realized we’d never let her cash any of them in.
(Carl is getting ready for work, while Kay is still
waiting in bed)
Kay: those little jerks aren’t coming back are
they?
Carl: nope.
(Kay puts the coupons in her nightstand)
END FLASHBACK – CUT BACK TO Pool Table – Earl is
getting out his list.
Randy: what are you doing Earl?
Earl: I’m putting mom on the list. Number 266
never gave mom a good mother’s day.
Randy: can I write this one Earl, I want to
practice cursive again.
(Earl hands over pen and list)
Catalina: if you do something for your mom
won’t you have to see your dad? I thought he hates you.
Earl: He does but I won’t have to deal with
dad. Tomorrows all about mom.
Earl: (v.o) Meanwhile Joy was preparing to
enjoy her mother’s day.
(Joy
is sitting the bar)
Joy: (pushing a pile of money towards
the barman) Here. Just keep bringing me drinks, but make sure I
have enough money to buy myself a kitkat and jelly donut on the way home.
CUT TO – Earl and Randy sneaking into their parents
house.
Earl: (v.o) the next morning we snuck into our
parents house to surprise mom with a mother’s day breakfast in bed. (Earl
and Randy are cooking in the kitchen making noise and a real mess) What we
didn’t know at the time was that my parents heard someone breaking in and dad
was trying to remember the combination to his gun safe.
Kay: try your birthday again.
Carl: I already tried my birthday Kay. When’s
our anniversary?
Kay: you don’t know our anniversary? You know
this is exactly what I meant the other day when I was talking about how you
live in this little Carl bubble and the rest of the world –
Carl: not now Kay. DO we really want to do this
know?
Kay: May 5th
Carl: nope. When’s your birthday?
(Kay looks at him)
CUT TO – Earl and Randy finished cooking breakfast and
taking it to their mother’s room.
Earl: (whispering) I
can’t wait to see her face.
(Pushes the door open, Kay screams)
Earl: Happy Mothers --- (Carl hits him over
the head with the gun safe)
Carl: Hey Randy.
Randy: hey dad.
CUT TO – All of them sitting in the living room,
Earl: after we explained we were there to give
mom a good mother’s day. She was thrilled.
Kay:
look what I found.
Earl: I can’t believe you still have this.
These coupons are like 20 years old.
Randy: participate in hands across America with
mom.
Earl: (v.o) and so we spent the day doing what
we should of done a long time ago. Let mom cash in all her coupons. Like plant
flowers with mom.
(Earl and Randy are gardening, Randy finds a buried
shoebox)
Randy: oh look Earl, somebody buried a pair of
shoes.
Earl: Randy hold on.
Randy: ahhh it’s a cat’s skeleton. I should name
him Crackers like the cat that used to sleep in the street.
Earl: (v.o) Take a portrait with mom (Randy,
Earl and Kay are posing for a photo, all wearing blue jumpers.) And we even
did the coupons that seemed a little strange now that we were adults. (Earl is
having a bubble bath, Randy is waiting in a robe and a rubber ducky.) Like
taking a bath without being asked.
Randy: this is fun Earl. I miss being a kid. You
sure there’s not room in there for both of us, if you just moved over –
Earl: I’m sure Randy.
CUT TO – Earl, Randy, Carl and Kay in the living room
watching home movies.
Earl: (v.o) our day was going great and so far
I had managed to avoid dealing with dad, until mom cashed in her watch home
movies coupon.
(Home movie shows a piece of wood lying on a rock and
young Earl riding his bike on it, breaking it)
Randy: hey Earl, it’s that ramp you built for
our bike.
Carl: out of the leaf of my mahogany dining
table.
Kay: oh look Thanksgiving. I should have had a
smaller bird. (Carl sighs) oh look there’s that old car you bought.
(The home movies show Carl happily cleaning an old car)
Carl: haha look at me smiling. I had absolutely
no idea that my 11 year old son would drive that car into the lake only two
months later. Ahh watching these movies just amazes me that you always had a
way of ruining everything.
Earl; Dad I didn’t ruin everything ok.
(The home movie shows Young earl with the hose and he
aims it right at the camera)
Carl: and there was the end of our home movies.
(Gets up and walks out of the room)
Earl: come on Dad, we’re just trying to have a
good time here. (to Kay) I’m sorry mom, I wanted this to be the perfect
day.
Kay: I just wish you two could get along. You
know what you should do, you should do something on that list for your father.
Earl: I.. mom I’ve tried to
Kay: well try again.,. Damnit I have one
coupon left Earl and it says Mothers choice. Which means that I get to pick
whatever I want and I want you to do something for your dad.
Earl: Mom, dad hates me.
Kay: hates a strong word
(Carl walks in holding the gun safe)
Carl: Kay I remembered the combination,
3,14,89. It’s the day Earl moved out.
CUT TO – Motel Room, Catalina lying on the floor has
set up mouse traps under the bed. Earl and Randy are sitting on the bed reading
the list.
Randy: what about number 42, cut holes in all of
dads shirts to show his nipples.
Earl: no his nipples have drooped down like 6
inches so that one kind of crosses itself off.
Catalina: (gets up off floor) Now I
wait.
Randy: how long you have to wait.
(The mouse traps start going off)
Catalina: not long. (grabs a trash bag and
goes to get the mice)
Earl: alright we gotta do one of these. I
promised mom
Randy: what about 108 lost Dads mustang?
Earl: he was pretty mad when he saw it in that
home movie today. Maybe I should do that one.
FLASHBACK – Young Earl and Randy walk up to a yard
where 2 guys are working on a car.
Earl: (v.o) But that car didn’t have to be
dragged out of a lake like I told my dad all those years ago. We lost it
another way.
Young Earl: is that thing fast?
Billy: You bet your ass it fast. Fastest car in
the county.
Young Earl: Bet my dad’s mustang is
faster. I’ve never seen him drive it but he says its really fast.
Billy: Yeah little guy. You want to put your
money where your little mouth is, huh? Race for pink slips. Huh you scared? You
better be, cos I’m Billy Reed. Do you know how many girls I’ve had sex with? (holds
up 4 fingers)
Earl: (v.o) that was the day I learned I had
trouble backing down from a challenge.
Young Earl: come on Randy, lets go get
dad’s car.
(Young Earl and Randy walk off)
Billy: See you at the drag strip peewee.
Ed: Who was the fourth girl?
Billy: I counted Trisha twice cos I got her with
and without her back brace on.
CUT TO – Drag Strip – Billy is there with his car and
Young Earl driving Carl’s mustang. Randy is standing on the road next to a Ed.
Earl: (v.o) less than an hour later I was about
to have my first drag race ever.
Ed: GO Jacky kick his ass brother. (Has a
drag of his cigarette)
Randy: you shouldn’t smoke. We watched a cartoon
at school where an owl told us it was really bad for you. It killed the owls
father at the end of the cartoon.
Ed: do I look like a damn cartoon to you?
(takes another drag of his cigarette)
Billy: Ok Patty we’re ready.. (revs car and
looks at young Earl) You ready peewee?
Young Earl: let’s do this.
(Patty drops the flag to start the race, Billy takes
off and is leading by a lot, young Earl is having trouble and is trying to
change gear. But comes to a complete stop. Moments later, young Earl and Randy
are watching the mustang getting towed behind Billy’s car to his backyard.)
Earl: (v.o) as fast as that mustang might have
been, it didn’t change the fact that at 11 years old I didn’t know how to get
out of first gear. At the time, the tought of dad confronting Billy was
humiliating… so I lied and told him I drove his car into a lake. But now it was
time to get it back.
CUT TO – Earl and Randy walking up the footpath to
Billy’s house, where him and Ed are working on his car, Ed taps Billy.
Billy: Earl Hickey. All growed up.
Earl: yeah listen I need to get that mustang
back. How much you want for it.
Billy: wha-what we don’t sell cars we race them
Ed: we race them…Whoooo go Jack---(Starts
coughing)
Randy: (to Earl) that’s just how that owls dad
coughed in a cartoon before he fell out of the air and broke his neck.. He’s
lucky he’s not flying.
Billy: that’s a sweet El Camino you rolled up
in. you want that mustang back I’ll give you a rematch. The stang against your
camino , mano on mano.
Earl: I don’t want to race Billy. Besides the
mustang doesn’t look like its been started in years.
Randy: hey Earl there’s a long skinny dog lying
down in the back seat. Oh wait he’s standing up, he just doesn’t have any legs.
Maybe it’s a snake. Do snakes have hair?
Billy: they do when they’re ferrets. (To Earl)
you scared? Is that it growed up Earl? You’re scared that I’ll take another car
off you, huh? You scared? You should be, cos I’m Billy Reed. You know how many
girls I’ve had sex with? (holds up five fingers) Five.
Earl: Randy get in the car, we’ll see you at
the drag strip.
Billy: Ed put the tyres on the mustang and get
that hairy snake out of the backseat we got ourselves a race.
CUT TO – Drag Strip – Earl and Billy drive the mustang
and camino to the line.
Earl: (v.o) less than an hour later, I was
about to have my second drag race ever. And with her kids still out of town Joy
hadn’t stopped partying.
Joy: (walks up to Earls window, really
drunk, slurring her words) Hey Dummy, I heard you all were out here racing,
so I fitted it in my mothers day week schedule. This is so the police don’t
know I’m out here drinking. (kisses her hand and hits Earl in the face and
walks away)
Billy: (to Earl) Lets do this!! (pointing
to him)
Earl: (v.o) and even though the cars had a lot
of miles on them now, Patty had even more.
Patty: Alright lets get this show on the road. I
got an appointment with a guy who likes to suck on my feet.
Billy: first guy to pass the blue box wins. Lets
do this!
Ed: GO Jacky!! (smokes)
Joy: Go jacky!!
(The
race starts, both Earl and billy are head to head.
Earl: (v.o) we were both neck to neck until we
got both cars to above 30. then they quit on us. (the crowd stops cheering as
the cars die)
Billy: ED!!! Get up here and push. (Ed runs to
the car.)
Patty: go Ed go.!
Earl: Randy come on and push. Come on. (Randy
runs to the car, Joy who was leaning on him, falls down)
Patty: go Randy go!
Earl: (v.o) so the race became less about
horsepower and more about brother powere.
Earl: come on Randy. You can do it.
Billy: come on Ed. Push.
(Ed and Randy are pushing. Ed is coughing and Randy
pushing has got Earl in the lead.
Earl: you got it Randy. We’re almost there.
(Ed is coughing bad, and he stops pushing the car)
Randy: I told you to get off those cigarettes.
Earl: (v.o) and we had more brother power.
Earl: we did it Randy. Yeah Randy!! I won
Billy, the cars mine.
Billy: fine you got the car, but it was a close
race and I still got my dignity.
Patty: (running up) Hey Billy. Is it ok
if I cancel your appointment to soak my feet. I’m just not feeling it anymore.
(Earl and Randy look disgusted)
CUT TO – The El Camino towing the Mustang to Earl’s
parents place.
Earl: (v.o) after 20 years of lying to my dad
about what happened to his car, it was tme to tell him the truth.
(Earl knocks on the door)
Carl: its not mother’s day anymore Earl. Come
back next year. (goes to slam the door)
Earl: no no wait Dad. I’m here for you look. I
didn’t lose your car in the lake, I lost it in a race but I just won it back so
I can now cross you off my list like mom wanted.
Carl: my car?
Earl: yeah your mustang.
Carl: idiot that car wasn’t for me that was
gonna be your car when you turned 16.
Earl: what?
Carl: yep so I guess you should be on that
list. (takes the list from Earl and writes) ‘Lost my own car because I’m
an idiot. (hand back list and slams the door)
Earl: I can’t believe I
lost my own car.
Randy: hey look at this
one number 67. Ran over Crackers. Hey what kind of crackers did you run over.
Saltines? I bet it made a crunchy sound.
CUT TO – Crab Shack – Randy and Earl are sitting at a
table.
Earl: (v.o) finding out the car I lost was
supposed to be for me, put me in a situation I never faced before.
Earl: I’m on my own list. What the hell am I
supposed to do about this.
Randy: can’t you just forgive yourself and cross
it off.
Earl: I don’t want ot forgive myself Randy. I
mean my life would have been a lot better if I had that mustang. I wouldn’t
have lost my virginity in a public bus.
Randy: and I wouldn’t have had to watch.
(Joy stumbles over to the table, still drunk)
Joy: (slurring) Hey dummies.
One of you guys are probably sitting here saying stupid stuff, doing stupid
stuff (starts laughing uncontrollably)
Earl: I’m gonna fix that car.
Randy: really?
Earl: yeah why shouldn’t I. everyone else on
the list makes me do something for them. Why should I be any different? I’m
gonna pay myself back. Come on Randy.
Joy: (stops laughing) Hang on.
I’m gonna come too. Hold on.
(Tries to get her mouth on the straw to have another
drink, but she keeps missing it. )
Earl: maybe you should drive her home.
Randy: I don’t know she might be ok.
Joy: (falls off the chair) Damnit,
who spilled their drink on me.
Randy: I’ll drive her home.
CUT
TO –
Earl: (v.o) while Randy took Joy home, I went
to my parents house to fix up the car that should’ve been mine 20 years ago.
Carl: What the hell are you doing?
Earl: Mom said I could fix the car here. I
can’t work on the car at the motel, everytime you slide under somebody tries
and steals your shoes.
Carl: I told you I don’t want the car.
Earl: I’m not doing this for you dad, I lost
myself a car. I owe myself a car. I’m doing this for me.
Carl: well fixing a car is a lot of work. So
let me know when you give up and I’ll call the junkyard.
Earl: (v.o) it was gonna be hard work. But this
was the list. So quitting wasn’t an option.
CUT TO – Joy’s Trailer – Joy opens the door slurring
and Randy follows her in.
Joy: see I told you I drive just fine.
(Randy spots something and walks over)
Randy: no I drove, you were steering with a
paper plate in the passenger street but you did get a couple of turns right. (Randy
playing with a toy plane)
Joy: Randy, do you want to spend the night
tonight.
Earl: (v.o) it was an odd request. Randy had
never thought of Joy that way.
Joy: I’m lonely Randy. I don’t think I can go
a whole week.
Earl: (v.o) so that night Randy gave her what
she needed. (Joy is laying on the bed smiling and the headboard is banging
on the wall) And much to Randy’s surprise the next morning when Joy was
sober she was hungry for more. (Randy is standing at fridge, when Joy walks
over and bends down) So much more they didn’t even notice when Darnell and
the kids came home early. (Randy and Joy are in a sheet fort)
Darnell: Joy?
Joy: Hey boys. Welcome Home!
Darnell: cool. A sheet fort.
Dodge and Earl JR: yeah
come get in.
Earl: (v.o) you see what Joy couldn’t go a week
without was her kids. Randy playing with that toy plane, made her realize how
much she missed being a mom. How she missed someone innocent around to liven up
the house. (Joy lying on the bed smiling while Randy is jumping on the bed with
a pony stick) Someone who need her to take care of them. (Randy at the
fridge, Joy bends down to tie his shoelace.) Someone to have fun with,
because no matter how far she sent her boys away she was still a mom. (Joy
playing with the boys in the sheet fort, laughing) And there was no
forgetting it. And she didn’t want to. And the next morning I was still making
headway on the mustang. Or at least I thought I was.
CUT TO – Parents house – Earl working on the mustang –
Carl walks into the garage.
Carl: you’re putting a 1970 carburetor in a 65.
Earl: it’ll fit.
Carl: sure it will fit. That size 4 dress will
fit your mother but I wouldn’t take her out in it. That’s a matching numbers
car there.
Earl: well it’s gonna have to work, cos it’s
all I have.
(Carl goes to a cupboard and gets a 65 carburetor)
Earl: where’s this from?
Carl: 1965. Just put it on there. Go on… That’s
it... Easy…. You got to hold it down even so you don’t cross the threads. Go to
the cabinet, get the throttle plate we’re gonna need that next. (Earl just
looks at him) Go on you know what a throttle plate looks like don’t you?
Earl: (v.o) when I saw all those mustang parts
my father bought over 20 years ago. I realized this wasn’t just a car my dad
had planned on giving me, it was a car he planned on us rebuilding together. So
that’s what we did. Over the next couple of days, we got less talking about car
parts and more about other things.
(Earl and Carl are getting the car ready to be painted)
Earl: so I was supposed to be named Carl?
Carl: yep after me. But on your birth
certificate I always wrote cursive so I put an extra loop on the C so the C
looked like and E and there you are. Earl Hickey.
Earl: (V.o) and before I knew it I had
something with my dad I never had before. A converstation. And we kept on
having them for the next 2 weeks until the car was finished.
(Earl and Carl standing looking at the finished Mustang,
proud of their work)
Earl: it looks great huh.
Carl: it sure does.
(Carl walks off and Earl gets out his list)
Earl: (v.o) And then it came to me. What I had
cheated myself out of all those years ago wasn’t a car it was a chance to have
some quality time with my dad. And now that I got that I can cross myself off
my list.
(Carl comes back)
Carl: well here you go (hands Earl the keys)
Well the paints not totally dry so don’t let Randy slide across the hood
like he always wants to.
Earl: Maybe I should just keep it here
Carl: here? Why would you want to do that.
Earl: well the motel’s no place to store a nice
car like this. Plus you’d get to drive it too. Lets go take it for a ride.
Earl: (v.o) some people might think leaving
that car with my dad was an unselfish act but I wasn’t doing it for him. That
car was the first good memory my dad and I had together and I didn’t want him
to forget it.
(Carl
and Earl drive the Mustang. They drive past Billy Reed who was watching them
drive down the dirt road, then he holds up a foot. Which kicks him)
Patty: Help! Somebody put a damn snake dog back
here.
(Patty starts hitting it with her shoe. Billy gets in
the back to get it)
Starring:
JAIME PRESSLY as Joy
JASON LEE as Earl
ETHAN SUPLEE as Randy
NADINE VELAZQUEZ as Catalina
EDDIE STEEPLES as Darnell
and
TIMOTHY OLYPHANT as Billy Reed
BEAU BRIDGES as Carl Hickey
NANCY LENEHAN as Kay Hickey
MARC BUCKLAND – Executive Producer
GREGORY THOMAS GARCIA – Executive Producer
GREG GARCIA – Creator
JASON LEE – Producer
HENRY J LANGE JR. – Producer
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Transcribed by LAUREN for http://www.twiztv.com
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