The following is
not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "
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TRANSCRIPT:
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Earl: You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks. Well, that was me, Every time something good happened to me, something bad was waiting right round the corner. Karma, that’s when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I’ve ever done and one by one I’m gonna make up for all my mistakes, I’m just trying to be a better person. My Name is Earl.
OPENING CREDITS
OPENING SCENE – Motel Room – Earl and Randy are lying
on the bed watching TV (The world of Sid and Marty Krofft – Sigmund and the Sea
Monsters), while Catalina is vacuuming.
Earl: (v.o) the nice thing about the
list being my only job was that I am able to set my own work schedule. Unfortunately
I don’t get to set Catalina’s. (Catalina stands in front of TV vacuuming. Randy
and Earl are leaning side to side to see the TV screen)
Earl: Catalina, how much longer are you gonna
be with that vacuum. You’re making the TV scratchy.
Catalina: (turns off vacuum) Maybe
I’d be done faster if there weren’t clothes everywhere.
Randy: I told you I’d help pick up after I watch
the show. I just want to make sure Sigmund gets away from the big purple puppet
with - . (to the tv) go go go go go go.
(Catalina throw a pile of clothes at them, something
falls out of one of the pockets. Earl picks it up)
Catalina: what’s that?
Earl: it’s a paycheck from Rockman construction
made out to Randy.
Randy: Randy who? Randy me? Those are my pants.
Is it Randy me? I think its Randy me. Is it Randy me?
Earl>: yeah its Randy you.
(hands him the check)
FLASHBACK – Earl and Randy are inside a building. Earl
is vacuuming the ceiling as Randy scrapes off. They are just wearing normal
clothes and no masks.
Earl>: (v.o) sometimes when
Randy and I were low on funds we worked a few days doing odd jobs.
Randy: I don’t know why people complain about
this asbestos stuff. (sniffs the air) it doesn’t smell so bad.
(The boss walks in wearing protective clothing and a
mask.)
Boss: Good grief. Guys, here’s your checks and
your 10-99 form.
Earl: our what form?
Boss: so you can pay your taxes.
(Earl screws up the piece of paper and feeds it to the
vacuum and continues on working.)
END FLASHBACK – CUT TO Motel room – Randy looking at
his paycheck.
Randy: how long do this go for. There is no
expiration date on it.
Earl: I think I have to add cheated the
government to my list. I need to pay the government the taxes I owe them. (gets
off bed)
Randy: what for? Government doesn’t do anything
for us and besides haven’t you given them enough money in your life.
Earl: (v.o) it was true. Over the years I’d
given the government a ton of do.
FLASHBACK - ‘Pay fines here’ counter. Earl is standing
at the counter for different offences..
(1st time)
Earl: Speeding in a school zone.
Guy: $75
(2nd time)
Earl: Public urination.
Guy: $60
Earl: in a school zone
Guy: $85.
(3rd time)
Earl: knocking over all the orange cones down
on the freeway with my car door.
Guy: $33
(4th time)
Earl: Dropped melons off the water tower.
Guy: Cantaloupes or honeydews.
Earl: it was a mix
Guy: $44.
END FLASHBACKS – CUT TO Motel room. Earl adding “didn’t
pay taxes’ to list.
Randy: the governments got plenty of money. They
don’t need your taxes.
Earl: its on my list Randy.
Randy: but you just put it on there if you rub
it real quick it’ll smudge right off. But you have to do it now before the ink
sets. Do it now Earl, do it now… ahh the ink is set.
Earl: sorry I got to pay taxes.
Randy: so does that mean if I cash this check I
have to pay taxes too.
Earl: I’m not gonna tell you what to do with
your money Randy. You’re a grown man. I think you know the right thing to do.
Randy: I think I do.
CUT TO – Randy driving a Moped down the road, next the
Earl who’s driving his car.
Randy: I feel so alive.
Earl: (v.o) I was a little disappointed that
Randy decided not to pay his taxes but I was happy he bought his first
motorized transportation. Even if it did have pedals.
Randy: Check it out Earl. I got it up to 23
miles per h- (he swallows a bug, coughing)
Earl: swallowed another bug.
(Randy has a disgusted look on his face)
CUT TO – Government office - Earl approaching counter,
where a woman is opening her window at the counter.
Earl: (v.o) Since paying my taxes was the right
thing to do, I headed down to the government offices to give them the money I
owe. So I can cross them off my list.
Earl: Hello.
Woman: what can I do for you.
Earl; well a couple of years ago I made some money
that I didn’t pay taxes on. (holds up cheque) I think this should cover
it.
Woman: did we send you a form that this money
was required.
Earl: no.
Woman: Then we do not expect it, so we cannot
accept it. (hands back cheque) Next.
Earl: But
Woman: Next
Earl: i—i
Woman: Next
Earl: Are you gonna say that every time I -
Woman: Next
(Earl defeated walks away from counter.)
Earl: (v.o) it’s bad enough figuring out how to
pay your taxes when the government wants your money but how you supposed to pay
them when they don’t. (Earl notices a suggestion box on the table.)
Lucky for me I had a suggestion for the government and they had a box for me to
put it in. (Earl picks up an envelope, puts the cheque inside and writes his
suggestion ‘ I suggest you take my money, Earl Hickey’. Puts it in the box)
CUT TO – Crab Shack – Earl is sitting at a table
drinking beer. Randy is sitting beside him on his Moped. Joy and Darnell walk
up to the table.
Earl: (v.o) I thought me and the government were
even, but a few days later I found out I was wrong.
Darnell: Hey Earl
Earl: Hey Crabman.
Joy: Hi, The government sent you a letter to
the trailer. (Joy hands him the envelope)
Darnell: (to Randy) that’s a cool
moped Randy. Its like a motorcycle had sex with a bicycle.
(Randy looks at it so proudly, and Darnell starts
playing with the brakes etc)
Randy: Thanks. You should get one too then we
could start our own moped gang. We’ll call it salt and pepper. You know, cos we
both like salt and pepper on our fries.
Darnell: cool.
Earl: oh man.
Randy: what’s the matter.
Earl: the government sent me my cheque back.
This letter says they don’t have a record of me owing $500.
Joy: look Earl, if the governments trying to
give you money you don’t want give it over here cos I mean they owe me anyway.
Earl; for what?
Joy: Slave operations. Government promised 40
acres and a mule. Between Darnell and Earl Jr we do like 60 acres and a couple
mules. At least a jet ski or something.
Darnell: Actually my family immigrated from
Canada.
Joy: Canada?
Darnell: uh huh.
Joy: ok look when the government comes round
with the mules please let me do the talking. (Joy and Darnell walk away)
Earl: (v.o) while Darnell and Joy figured out
what they were gonna do about their 60 acres and a jet ski. I tried to figure
out how to get the government off my list.
CUT TO – Earl driving alongside Randy on his moped.
Randy: (yelling) I don’t know Earl. You
trying to do the right thing not enough
Earl: no its not Randy. I should’ve done the
right thing in the first place. Now I need to figure out how to make it right.
Randy; I don’t know how you’re gonna do th-
(Randy rides into something and is no longer besides
Earl in the car. Earl looks in his mirror to see Randy on the road, falling off
is bike.)
CUT TO – Earl running up to Randy who is a little out
of it.
Earl: you alright?
Randy: yeah. Stupid pothole threw me. (to
pothole) why don’t you watch where you are going?
Earl: Rnady why don’t you sit down for aminute.
Randy: I am sitting down… (realizing) oh.
(sits down and looks at Earl) when did you grow a moustache?
Earl: (vo) Hiitting that pothole may have
knocked some sense out of Randy but it gave me a pretty good idea.
CUT TO – Earl filling the pothole, while Randy inspects his helmet. A police
officer approaches.
Earl: why hey officer.
Officer: drop the weapon.
Earl: its just a shovel.
Officer: (pulls out his gun) what
have you done? You bury a body in there.
Earl: body? It’s a five inch hole.
Officer: is it a baby body? Oh crap oh crap
oh crap. Baby killer.
Earl: no no no no no, just take a breath.
Everythings cool I just filled in a pothole. Trying to pay the government some
money I owe them.
Officer: oh thank god. Whoo. I thought I
was gonna have to dig up a baby...So listen up. You’re gonna have to dig up that
pothole.
Earl: dig it up?
Officer: that’s right. Potholes can only be
filled by authorized government workers .
Earl: (v.o) I started to get a little
frustrated. Between the right forms and the right workers the government
doesn’t make it easy for you to pay em back. Then I got an idea. While I might
not be an authorized government worker I did know a group of people who were.
CUT TO – Earl driving up to a group of criminals doing
community service. Randy is sitting on his moped, which is tied on the back of
the car.
Earl: you might want to go back to the motel,
this gonna take a while.
Randy: what are you gonna do Earl?
Earl: pay my taxes. (Earl approaches the
guard) Excuse me
Earl:
(v.o) I told the guard that I had a debt to society that I needed to repay.
Since he had shot one of the prisoners who tried to escape earlier that
morning, he was short handed and happy for the help. (Earl picks up a
shovel)
Hank Lange: Earl Hickey? What are you doing
here?
Earl: (shaking his hand) what’s up Hank?
I’m just volunteering for the afternoon. I’m trying to pay back the government.
Hank: I was trying to give a little payback to
the government. I kidnapped the mailman forced him to eat a Pennysaver.
Earl: yeah I read about that in the next week Pennysaver.
Hank: you might want to slow it down. It looks
like you’re in really good shape, someone’s gonna want to buy you from me.
Earl: can’t slow down Hank, I’m only here for
the day.
Hank: oh yeah that’s right. Too bad, tomorrow’s
the talent show. Write supremacists are doing a song from Grease.
Singing inmates: (singing) No
graduation day for you. Beauty school dropout.
(Time passes, Earl is still shoveling and he has taken
off his shirt and now looks like an inmate, wearing jeans and a white tshirt.)
Guard: Hey lets pack it up. Single file on the
bus. (approaches Earl who is still shoveling) On the bus.
Earl: (looks down) oh no no I’m not one
of them.
Guard: sure you’re not.
Earl: wait where’d that other guard go? (Guard
grabs him and pulls him towards the bus) hey I’m not one of them. (on
the bus) look I’m really not supposed to be here. Ask Hank. Tell him I’m
just volunteering.
Hank: no man. He’s not supposed to be here. I’m
not either. (Whispers to Earl) he’s our chance we can both get out. (to
guard) we’re both volunteering. We’re both volunteering. (the rest of
the inmates join in.)
Guard: (loads his gun) anybody want to
volunteer to get shot. (its quiet) that’s more like it.
(Earl gets pushed to the back of the bus)
CUT TO – Prison – the inmates are going into their
cells.
Earl: (v.o) the problem with being mistakenly
incarcerated is that when its time to go to your cell – you don’t have one.
Guard: lets go.
Earl: I don’t have anywhere to go. I keep
telling you, I’m not supposed to be here.
Guard: well maybe you’re supposed to be in
solitary then. Is that what you saying?
Earl: no no no that’s not what I’m saying.
CUT TO – Earl being put into solitary.
Earl: you don’t understand this is one big
mistake.
(A guard delivers food to Earl’s cell)
Earl: hey I’m not supposed to be here my name
is - (the slot gets closed)
(Another meal is delivered)
Earl: Hey I’m Earl Hickey. I was just trying to
payback– (the slot closes)
(Another meal is delivered)
Earl: if you would just call my brother he-he
(slot closes) can explain
(Another meal)
Earl: can I get wheat toast. White give me a
little bit of a (slot closes)
(Another meal)
Earl: grape jelly
(Another meal)
Earl: can you empty my bucket.
(The door opens Earl is lying on the floor asleep)
Earl: I’m not hungry.
Guard: turns out Mr wheat toast grape jelly is a
free man. Next time speak up, let somebody know you’re not supposed to be here.
(Earl walks out of cell, another guard is dragging in
another inmate)
Inmate: I’m not supposed to be here.
CUT TO – Crab Shack – Earl, Randy and Joy are sitting
at the bar.
Earl: I just want to give them back their
stupid money. I can’t believe this.
Joy: I don’t know why you’re having so much
trouble. They are all the time taking money from me . just last week I paid $20
for just speeding in a school zone.
Randy: hey you paid 75 for that Earl. How come
you only paid 20?
Joy: cos I brushed my license against his
knobby when I handed it to him.
(Darnell behind the bar looks at her)
Earl: that’s it. That’s how I can pay back the
money.
Randy: you’re gonna brush something against the
governments knobby.
Earl: no I’ll just go out and do something bad
and the government will fine me for it.
Randy: hey I know how. Paint a big fake train
tunnel on a rock outside the town. You’d get fined for that. Plus maybe coyotes
will run into it.
Darnell: or a roadrunner.
Randy: cos that would be funny
Darnell: Beep beep
Randy: yeah beep beep
Darnell: beep beep
Randy: beep beep
CUT TO – Earl and Randy getting ropes out of the back
of Earl’s car.
Earl: I haven’t done this before. I knew two of
us trespassing together on this abandoned water tower would cost us $500 in
fines. (Earl and Randy climbing the water tower) Made perfect sense. My
whole life the government only paid attention to me when they thought I was
being bad so I had no choice I was gonna be bad. We knew from experience that
it was windy at the top. So we came prepared. (Earl is tying the ropes to
the top of the tower.)
Randy: now what?
Earl: we just wait to get caught.
(Time passes – earl and Randy are sitting on top
waiting)
Randy: it’s been like hours.
Earl: (yelling) Hello! We’re trespassing
up here. Hello! (to Randy) its never taken this long to get busted
before.
Randy: I’m bored. You want to wrestle?
Earl: seems kind of dangerous all the way up
here.
Randy: we have our ropes.
(Earl considers and they both get up and start
wrestling. They stop and Randy picks up the American flag which is mounted on
top of the tower.)
Randy: Hey Earl who am I? (He stomps around
the tower like a astronaut holding the flag and mounts it back in the tower)
Earl: the first guy to land on the moon.
Randy: nah the astronaut guy in all the MTV
commercials. (points to the sky) hey the helicopter is coming back
Earl: (picks up flag and waves it, yelling)
Hey. Hey. Over here. Over here. Over here. Hey!
(Earl
and Randy are jumping on the roof - the water tower’s roof collapses and Earl
and Randy fall in to the tower. The ropes tied around their waist stop them
from hitting the bottom of the tower. Randy is screaming.)
Earl: Randy. Randy. Open your eyes.
Randy: there’s no water in the water tower. Why
don’t they just call it a tower?
Earl: I can’t believe we fell through the roof.
They should put a sign out front warning people.
Randy: what are we gonna do?
Earl: don’t worry. Someone will notice our car and
come looking for us.
CUT TO – The car being towed away.
CUT TO –
Earl: okay Randy. I’m gonna climb up my rope
all the way to the top. Once I’m secure up there I’m gonna tie my rope off use
the leverage to pull you up by your rope.
Randy: ok.
Earl: alright (starts to climb rope, however
doesn’t have very good upper body strength.)
Randy: too bad Coach Gebhardt isn’t here to call
you a girl and throw basketballs at your face. That’d get you up there….. Hey
I’ve got two candy bars in my pocket. (throws one to Earl)
Earl: Randy
Randy: why did you drop it? (opens his candy
bar)
Earl: because you didn’t tell me you were gonna
throw it. Give me half of that one.
Randy: no
Earl: give it to me
Randy: no (puts it in his mouth)
(they start fighting hanging from the ropes)
Earl: get over here. Randy spit it out. Randy.
(Holds Randy’s nose so he can’t breathe) spit it out. (Randy spits
it out, it lands on the floor) Mine’s the one in the wrapper Randy. (Earl
hangs upside down to try and reach it.) Damnit Randy!That was our only
food.
Randy: what are we gonna do Earl?
Earl: just hang here until someone finds us.
(The day passes – its now night time – Randy and Earl
are sleeping – still hanging from the ropes)
CUT TO – Morning – Earl and Randy wake up. No one
speaks to each other – until Randy starts singing the theme song from ‘The
Greatest American Hero’.
Randy: Look at what’s happened to me. I can’t
believe it myself.
Earl: (joining in) Suddenly I’m up on
top of the world. It should’ve been somebody else.
Both: Believe it or not I’m walking on air I
never thought I’d could feel so free. Flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who
could it be? Believe it or not it’s just meeeeee.
CUT TO – Night again. They are sleeping
CUT TO – the next day.
Randy: I spy with my little eye something that
is
Earl: is it the candy bar again?
Randy: yeah.
CUT TO – Night
Randy: we’re not gonna die are we Earl?
Earl: no……. maybe……probably.
CUT TO – Morning
Earl: I can’t believe this.
Randy: I’m sorry. It’s my fault. For jumping on
the roof. Its cos I don’t bend my knees when I land. That’s what the dance
teacher that came to football practice told me.
Earl: I’m not mad at you Randy. I’m mad at the
government. Had they just taken my money in the first place we’d never be down
here. (it echoes)
Randy: (yells) Re-co-li.
Earl: stupid government. They think I’m bad.
They’re the ones who are bad Randy. The tax woman who wouldn’t take my money. The
cop who wouldn’t let me fix the pothole. The guard who threw me in solitary. I
never want to pay them back. Screw the government. They never did anything for
us.
Voice: Hello you guys alright down there?
(Earl and Randy look up to see 4 men looking through
the hole in the roof at them)
Earl: (v.o) it turned out the government had
been busy doing something for us. We just didn’t know it. Willie the mailman
brought Joy a letter saying our car was towed to the impound yard. (Willie
is holding out the mail to Joy, she goes to take it and he holds it in a
different direction, he is partially blind, Joy annoyed snatches it out of his
hand), Then when Joy came to the motel to yell at me for not changing my
address yet, Catalina saw that our car had been impounded. (Joy is at Motel,
handing the letter to Catalina, she reads the mail and starts telling Joy) She
got worried because she hadn’t seen us for days. So she reported it to a police
man. (Catalina stops a policeman walking past arresting prostitutes from
another room explaining to him the story) He went and filed a missing persons
report then went down the impound yard to investigate. When the police found
where our car had been towed from, they got suspicious and called a city worker
to come unlock the gate. (Police officer and the prostitutes, and a city
worker opens the gate) And when the city worker saw that me and Randy
ropes were tied to the top of the tower they called the fire department for
help. (fire department arrives) And that’s when I realized that maybe
the government doesn’t always see people as bad or good. Sometimes it just sees
people that need help. (They pull Randy up first) And even if you don’t
see the government working for you everyday it’s out there working for
somebody. And today that somebody was me and Randy. (Pulling Earl up, he’s
holding the flag – unsure how he got it off the floor of the tower)
CUT TO – Earl at Fines counter.
Earl: Trespassing on a water tower. Damage to
water tower. Urinated in water tower. And there were two of us.
Guy: $500
Earl: done. (writes a cheque hands it over)
Well thank you very much. (crosses it off his list)
Earl: (v.o) That was $500 I was happy to pay.
(Earl walking out of fines office) When I found out it cost the
government $4000 to rescue me. I offered to write them another cheque on the
spot. But they wouldn’t take it. (Earl hops on the back of Randy’s moped)
Turns out being saved by the government is free to taxpayers. Taxpayers like
me.
CLOSING CREDITS – Earl and Randy are in bed.
Randy: Hey Earl.
Earl: Yeah Randy.
Randy: I’m gonna try and enter you’re dream
tonight.
Earl: Huh?
Randy: I’m gonna concentrate really hard when
I’m falling asleep and try and enter your dream.
Earl: why?
Randy: I don’t know. Just to see what you’re
doing
Earl: how do you know I want you in my dream
Randy. I mean I could be with a lady or something.
Randy: I just want to stop by. Can’t you
concentrate on not being with a lady just for the night.
Earl: I guess. I’ll concentrate about being on
a space station or something.
Randy: thanks. Alright good night Earl, I’ll see
you in a little while.
(Randy closes his eyes. Both of them are asleep. Randy
wakes up in the morning
Randy: Damnit. I was a tugboat again. (goes
back to sleep)
Starring:
JAIME PRESSLY as Joy
JASON LEE as Earl
ETHAN SUPLEE as Randy
NADINE VELAZQUEZ as Catalina
EDDIE STEEPLES as Darnell
MARC BUCKLAND – Executive Producer
GREGORY THOMAS GARCIA – Executive Producer
GREG GARCIA – Creator
JASON LEE – Producer
HENRY J LANGE JR. – Producer
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Transcribed by LAUREN for http://www.twiztv.com
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