The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of LAUREN.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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Earl: You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks. Well, that was me, Every time something good happened to me, something bad was waiting right round the corner. Karma, that’s when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I’ve ever done and one by one I’m gonna make up for all my mistakes, I’m just trying to be a better person. My Name is Earl.

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OPENING CREDITS

OPENING SCENE – Earl and Randy are lying on the bed. Catalina walks in carrying a box, placing it on the bed.

Earl: (v.o) One of the perks of being friends with a motel employee is getting free stuff when someone checks out for good.

Randy: somebody die again? (starts looking through the box)

Catalina: yep room 203 no next of kin. Do you either you guys wear a size thirteen?

Earl: (takes the boot) I’m a twelve. But an extra pair of socks should bridge that gap.

Randy: (pulls out a hat) cool hat. (puts it on) I’m keeping this one. (pulls out a tube of some sort of medicinal cream) . medicine. Anybody want this or should I throw it away? (Catalina takes it, reading the label)

Earl: check this out.

Randy: hey a porn machine.

Catalina: my manager saw that already. He called dibs.

FLASHBACK – The motel manager, a police officer and Catalina enter room 203. You can see a man’s feet hanging from the ceiling.

Manager: dibs on the laptop.

Officer: Damnit. (frantically looking around) umm umm the TV.

Manager: that’s the motels'.

Officer: damnit. Umm umm umm..

END FLASHBACK CUT TO – Randy struggling to open the laptop.

Randy: Earl remember we had one of these. But it was grey and all the alphabets were all mixed up. (opens laptop)

Earl: yeah I do. Maybe karma’s trying to tell me its time to take it back. (Looks at list) number 37 stole a laptop.

FLASHBACK – Earl and Randy are sitting in Joy’s trailer staring at the computer screen.

Earl: (v.o) About a year ago I bought home a laptop I stole out of a car.

Randy: make that fish thingy come back.

Earl: I don’t know how to I don’t know how to do anything (the fish screensaver comes on screen) oh there it is. I like that little blue one. Let’s call him Poncho.

Randy: I’m gonna type shark and see if a shark comes out. (Presses the keyboard, the fishes disappear) Damnit it’s gone again.

END FLASHBACK – CUT TO Earl and Randy driving down the road. Randy is trying to get the computer to work.

Earl: (v.o) after we picked up the stolen laptop from Joy’s we tried to get it working again.

Earl: Does it say who it belongs to?

Randy: it says we need a password. I’ll try carrot.

Earl: why carrot?

Randy: cos who would think of carrot?

Earl: you did.

Randy: you’re right. I’ll try carrot 88. no 89. damnit. I can only think of things I can think of. (the sound of bubbles, Randy looks at screen) Earl the fish. The fish are back.

Earl: (still driving, looks at the screen) is the blue on there? (the blue one swims across the screen) there he is. He went behind that treasure chest. Hey Poncho come on out buddy.

(the car swerves off the road hitting a bus stop sign. Earl gets out the car and writes it down on his list.)

Old lady: you knocked down the bus stop.

Earl: yeah I know ma’am. I’m gonna fix it tomorrow.

Old lady: but you knocked down the bus stop.

Earl: I promise it will be fixed tomorrow.

Old lady: you’re not allowed to knock down the bus stop. It’s a bus stop.

Earl: look it’s on my list. 263 Broke bus stop while looking for Poncho the blue fish.

Randy: Earl I found it. The guys name is on a sticker on the back. Property of Professor Alex Meyers, Frostberg State University.

Earl: a college? Oh man. (gets in the car)

Earl: (v.o) I wasn’t looking forward to driving all night to a college and having to talk to a professor. You see I’ve never done well around smart people.

FLASHBACK – First grade Spelling bee. 10 kids are in a row, Young Earl is kid number 3.

Judge: Earl Hickey. Your word is knee.

Young Earl: knee. Umm. N–e– (buzzer sounds, upset stands back in the row)

Kid 4: Knee. K–n–e–e. Knee.  (Stands back in line, to young earl) the K is silent. (Earl punches him, the crowd gasps)

END FLASHBACK – CUT TO Earl and Randy walking through the college campus. Earl is looking at a map.

Randy: this is cool. Like when that hobbit Rudy walked on campus for the first time.

Earl: Frostberg State University. Isn’t that where Bullwinkle went to college?

Randy: went to whatsamatteryou lived in frostbite falls. Wow check that building out over there, I bet that’s where they keep all the bottles filled with bubbling potions, they might even have a Frankenstein in there or a smart monkey that can count smoked cigarettes.

Earl: we’re not going to have time to find out Randy. We’re gonna return this laptop and get out of here. (a guy passes Randy a flier, Randy reads flier and runs off) Keep your eyes out for the psychology department, it’s called Dunkle hall. Wait didn’t we have an Uncle Dunkle? (looks beside him, Randy isn’t there, turns around) Randy! Randy!

(The guy passes Earl a flier ‘All day party. Next Earl looks at the fraternity house)

CUT TO – Inside house, a guy is drinking beer from the keg upside down. Randy is staring at him in awe.

Earl: Randy! Come on lets go.

Randy; I never thought of drinking beer upside down before.

Earl: it tastes the same.

Randy: yeah but it goes to your brain before it gets to your livers. I always thought a fraternity was just a bunch of old guys riding little bikes and parades but this is way cooler than that. Can I stay? Can I please stay?

Earl: fine. But I’m coming right back to get you after I return the laptop.

Frat guy: (yells)  who wants to do a keg stand?

(Randy quickly puts up his hand)

CUT TO: Earl walking down a corridor towards Professor Alex Meyer’s office.

Earl: (v.o) while Randy was making some upside down beer drinking buddies, I managed to track down Professor Meyer’s office.

(As Alex Meyers is leaving her office, a student walks up to her. Earl quickly bends over to tie his shoe lace)

Student: Professor Meyers.

Alex: oh Tom you know you can call me Alex.

Earl: (v.o) as much trouble I had dealing with smart guys well I never quite figured out how to handle smart women.

FLASHBACK – 6^TH grade Spelling Bee, 7 kids are standing in a row. Earl is kid number 4.

Judge: Earl Hickey. Your word is knowledge.

Young Earl: Knowledge. N-o- (buzzer sounds)

Girl: knowledge. K-n-o-w-l-e-d-g-e. Knowledge. (stands back in row, to Earl) the K is silent.

(Earl frustrated hits the boy beside him).

END FLASHBACK – CUT TO Earl still tying his shoe when Alex walks past him.

Earl: (nervously) Double knot. Knot has a K. (clears throat, student Tom stops beside him) knot has a k. the k is ahh silent.

Tom: yeah thanks I’ll remember that next time when I’m in 2^nd grade. (Earl punches him in the stomach, the kid winces in pain. Earl realising what he just done gets out his list)

Earl: what’s your name?

CUT TO: Earl following Alex looking a little stalkerish, Alex gets nervous holds her bag tighter and walks faster.

Earl: (v.o) there were a lot of things making me nervous about confronting Alex. Not only was she smart and pretty but I also knew from experience she was the type of woman who grabbed her purse a little tighter when she saw a guy like me.

(When Earl follows Alex around the corner, Alex turns around and kicks him hard in the groin.

Earl: here we go. (in pain, slowly drops to the ground) it’s a bad one. Both sides. (Alex starts blowing a whistle, Earl holds up laptop) I’m just returning your laptop.

Alex: what!?! Oh my god, oh my god. I’m so sorry. Are you ok? (A bunch of guys have quickly surrounded Earl and Alex, to group of guys) no no I’m ok. Never mind. No sorry. No rape here. Great response though. I feel very safe. Thankyou. And I promise next time I blow that whistle it will be for a real rape. I promise. (does thumbs up) real rape.

CUT TO: Professor Alex’s office. Earl is sitting down with a bag of ice in his lap.

Alex: again I’m really sorry Earl.

Earl: it’s ok. It was probably just karma giving me a little payback for stealing your computer in the first place.

Alex: so you really made that list based on a fear of karma?

Earl: yeah karma’s tossed me around a little. Tried to kill me. Hit me with a car.

Alex: Earl, karma is a very complex Buddhist principle. It’s the totality of a person’s actions which determines the fate of the next stage of their existence.

Earl: do good things and good things happen. Do bad things and bad things happen.

Alex: (smiling) yeah I actually like your definition better. Is there anyway you would speak at my class. It would be amazing. I mean we could put a rat in a cage and assume he found the cheese because he was hungry but what if we could actually ask the rat why he found it.

(knock at the door)  excuse me.

(Earl watches Alex’s calves as she stands on the step)

Earl: (v.o) this wasn’t the first time a woman kicked me in the cherries and called me a rat. But it was the first time I didn’t mind.

Earl: I’ll be your rat.

Alex: Really? Oh great. How’s tomorrow? Do you have plans?

Earl: tomorrow? (thinks) nope free as a bird.

Earl: (v.o) what I was forgetting at the time was a promise I’d made to another little lady.

FLASHBACK – Earl after hitting the bus stop sign with the old lady.

Old lady: you knocked down the bus stop.

Earl: yeah I know ma’am. I’m gonna fix it tomorrow.

END FLASHBACK – CUT TO Alex’s office.

Earl: so I guess I’ll see you in class. (gets up to leave)

Alex: great. (Earl walking out of the room, stands on a piece of gum) Ooh god I’m so sorry. I didn’t – I don’t know who would have left gum in here. It wasn’t karma again was it?

Earl: no no some things are just accidents.

CUT TO – Bus stop. 4 people are waiting for the bus. When the bus is approaching the stop, they get up to wave it down but it drives right past.

Earl: (V.o) blinded by a beautiful woman wearing shoes that make her calves pop out real nice I forgot that in my world things are never just accidents. They happen for a reason. I promised to take care of something on my list and until I did it karma is gonna keep reminding me.

CUT TO – Frat house. Randy is eating jelly shots – Earl walks up to Randy.

Earl: Randy!

Randy: these guys are so smart Earl they figured out how to put booze in food. Except you can’t eat too many or you’ll pass out and they write balls on your forehead in permanent marker.

Earl: listen, Professor Myers is a woman

Randy: is she hot?

Earl: she’s not just hot, she’s hot and she’s smart.

Randy: like a stewardess?

Earl: way smarter and she called me interesting. No woman like that has ever called me interesting Randy and I’m speaking at her class tomorrow.

Randy: (excitedly) we’re staying another day. Awesome, (to frat brothers) that means I’m in for the bottle rocket fight tomorrow.

Frat guy: hey everybody pledge Randy is in for lollapalooza. (everybody cheers)

Randy: (smiling) I’m pledging. That means all these guys are gonna be my brothers. But it’s not like I have to get em all Christmas presents or anything. Maybe we’ll have a secret Santa. Yeah. If we do I hope I get Steve he’s got lots of interests and we wear the same size. (Earl goes along with it.)

CUT TO – Earl at Alex’s class the next day, The classroom is full of students with their laptops and Earl is sitting in front of them nervous.

Alex: I know you all have a lot of questions but let’s just keep them brief so we get a chance to talk to this fascinating resource, Mr Earl Hickey.

Earl: Hello. (Students type on their laptops) Did you guys type what I just said? (Students type, looks at Alex, whispering) this is kinda freaking me out. (Students type)

Alex; ok guys how bout we don’t take notes and just listen to what Mr Hickey has to say. (smiles and nods at Earl)

Earl; I’m here to talk about psychology. Which most of you all know is ahh (wipes his forehead with his hand, definition of psychology is written on his palm) the science dealing with the mind and mental and emotional processes.

Alex: Earl, how bout you tell us about you and your list. In your own words.

Earl: ok. Well… I’ve been bad. Really, really bad.

(Time passes, Earl is still talking to the class)

Earl: (v.o) I decided to just lay it all out there for them. And their reactions surprised me a little.

Earl: usually the Airforce would shoot you for doing that but they figured I was too drunk  to remember what I saw but as we all know now they were wrong. (smiling the class laughs)

Earl: (v.o) they were enjoying my stories so I kept on telling them.

Earl: oh and there was this other time when I walked into…….

(Time passes and Earl is mimicking sawing off his arm)

Earl: that’s when I realised Ginsu knives would cut cans but not bones. So now I’m stuck in a trap and bleeding. (the class laugh with Alex smiling at him).

(Time passes, Earl wrapping up his talk, takes out the list to show the class)

Earl: so that’s when I made the list.

(Holds up the list, the class in awe)

Earl: (v.o) I’d never had anyone clap for me before and I liked it. Even if I wasn’t quite sure what to do. and the fact that Alex was clapping, well that felt better than anything.

(The class is clapping and Earl is clasping his hands like he’s just won a gold medal, he looks at Alex smiling)

Alex: you were amazing. And-and funny and-and charming and sooo adorable. (Earl smiles and Alex looks at the class)

CUT TO – Earl and Alex walking along a footpath talking and laughing. Alex is wearing Earl’s shirt.

Earl: (v.o) and the amazing thing happened after class we just kept walking and talking and we never ran out of stuff to say. It was like one of those movies where a guy meets a girl and they talk and laugh at each others stories. I usually don’t watch movies like that but I was starting to understand why people do.

Alex: I know this lunch tomorrow for the regents and I hate going to these things alone

Earl: yeah me too. I mean if I knew what regents were. Right now I’m picturing them as dragons

Alex: that’s pretty close. You know.. be my knight in shining armour if you came with me.

(Stopping outside the frat house)

Earl: you want me to go? Yeah yeah yeah. I-I could do that. Yeah. I could be your knight. I’d have to bring my sword. (Alex laughs) I didn’t mean that dirty. I’m just ahh so what time is this thing.

Alex: it’s two. (both smile at each other) so (rubs Earls arm) sure there’s nothing I’m taking you away from.

Earl: (looking at her hand on his arm) I’m sure.

(A quick image of the Bus stop where 4 people are waiting for the bus to stop holding up a cardboard sign ‘this is a bus stop’. The bus driving right past them)

Earl: so should I meet you at your

Alex: ooh watch out!! (a Frisbee is flying straight at Earl and hits him in the eye) oh are you ok?

Earl: yeah.

Alex: (picks up Frisbee) I don’t even know where this came from.

(both of them look around)

CUT TO – inside Frat house. Earl enters. Randy rides up behind him on a little bike.

Earl: Randy

Randy: hey Earl.

Earl: Randy I think she like me. She asked me to go to a party. And we talked and we joked around, she even touched my arm.

Randy: Really? How’d she do that? (Earl touches Randy’s arm) it feels like she likes you.

Earl: that’s what I’m saying.

Randy: so does this mean we’re gonna stay another night?

Earl: (touching Randy’s arm again) would you walk away from that?

Randy: no way. I even like when you do it. This means I get to finish pledging. I was worried you were wanting to go home and fix the bus stop.

Earl: the what?

Random guy: watch out. (a rocket flies past Earl’s face) Check it out I almost hit Magnum PI.

Randy: that could of killed you.

Earl: (v.o) and that’s when it finally hit me, what karma was trying to tell me.

Earl: the bus stop. I forgot about the bus stop. That’s what’s going on Randy. I told that lady I would cross it off my list and I haven’t. that’s why karma’s punishing me cos I’ve been putting off the list to be with Alex. Maybe I’m supposed to go and fix the bus stop.

Alex: (runs in carrying Earl’s shirt) Hey. Sorry I forgot to give this back to you. Thank you again for today. I’ll see you tomorrow. (kisses him on the cheek)

(Randy is staring at her in awe.)

Earl: we’re staying.

Randy: Yes!

Earl: Karma can do whatever it wants to me I can take it. Alex is worth it.

Guy: (yelling) heads up. (a dart flies through the air hitting Earl in the arm)

Earl: (in pain) still worth it.

CUT TO – Regent’s party. Earl walks in wearing a suit looking very out-of-place  at this type of party.

Earl: (v.o) although I had a few cocktails in my life I’ve never actually been to a cocktail party. I have to admit I was a little nervous. But the sounds of the fountain were surprisingly calming.

Waiter: Shrimp kebab. (aka shrimp on a stick)

Earl: how much for 2?

Waiter: they’re free.

Earl: free shrimp huh.,. college. (picks up 2 shrimp kebabs) Thanks.

Alex: well well don’t you look handsome. Nice outfit.

Earl: thanks. I borrowed it from a frat brother, which is why the pants smell like bong water. I also found cheetos and a hoho in one of the pockets. But they have free shrimp so we’re good. (hands Alex a shrimp)

Alex: thank you.

(People are laughing, as Earl turns around a waiter opens a bottle of champagne and the cork hits Earl in the eye.)

Earl: (wincing) damn

Alex: are you ok.

Earl: yeah I’m fine. (looks at the sky) nice try karma.

Alex: excuse me.

Earl: oh nothing. I just ah (looks at sky)

Earl: (v.o) karma was still mad at me but I was willing to take the punishment. Although not everyone was as willing as I was to take punishment.

CUT TO – Frat House. The initiation is taking place. Randy and fellow pledges are standing in a row, in front of the brothers who are holding wooden paddles.

Frat guy: Assume the positions. (the pledges turn around and bend over except for Randy)

Randy: you want me to bend over so you can smack me with that paddle?

Frat guy: yeah.

Randy: look I like drinking and I love riding tricycles but if someone hits me with a paddle I’m gonna knock them on their ass. I thought we were friends.

Frat guy: we are. But the older brothers did it to us when we were pledges. So now it’s out turn to torture somebody.

Randy: well if you want to get someone back why don’t you paddle the guy who paddled you? Not some poor guy who hasn’t done anything to anyone.

(All the brothers consider this and start hitting each other. Randy drinks his beer while he and the other pledges watch on.)

Earl: (v.o) Randy never thought he’d be so satisfied watching guys spank each other on the ass. But as it turns out he was.

CUT TO – Regent’s Party – Earl and Alex are walking and talking..

Earl: and that’s basically how you get a ballpoint pen out of your neck. (They stop walking and a bird poops on his shoulder)

Alex: eww. Ahh. Ohh. Ahh. I think a bird (pointing) just got ya. (Earl looks)

Earl: great. (wipes it off his shoulder)

Alex: you’re pretty unlucky

Earl: yeah. I’m very unlucky. (has a drink of his cup of beer, there is a bee on the lip of the cup) Oww!! Son of a (holding his lip)

Alex: what what happened?

Earl: a bee just stung my lip. (to the sky) Really bees that’s how we’re gonna play.

Alex: okay Earl. Who are you talking to?

Earl: karma. Karma’s been after me for putting off my list to be with you. The champagne cork, the bird crap, the bee.

Alex: Earl that’s crazy. They’re just accidents. There no way karma has anything to do with any of this. Ok. the

(A bee flies to Earl and stings him on the ear.)

Earl: (squeals like a girl, rubbing his ear) Karma’s trying to kill me again, I got to cross something off my list. I’m sorry I’ll be right back. (runs away waving his arms like a lunatic)

(Alex isn’t quite sure what’s going on)

CUT TO: Dorm Room where Tom – the student he hit earlier is sitting there eating brownies with a guy.

Tom: how do you know if it’s hitting you?

Guy: if it’s hitting you you’ll know it.

(knock at the door, Tom gets up to answer it. He opens it to show Earl whose lip is swollen and his ear is swollen. It kinda reminds of Will Smith in Hitch but not as bad)

Tom: it’s hitting me.

Guy: cool. It is so not cool. (closes door)

Earl: Wa-wait.i need you to punch me.

Tom: it wants me to punch it.

Guy: punch it

Earl: listen to your friend. Punch it.

Tom: no I will not die tonight. (slams the door)

CUT TO – Earl walking out of the dorm hall.

Guy’s Voice: look out. (a Frisbee hits Earl in the forehead)

Earl: oww.

Guy’s Voice: sorry.

Earl: (to sky) again? Come on I’m trying here. You saw me trying. That guy slammed the door in my face. You know what that’s it. I’m going back to the party. So if you want to punish me, give me your best shot. Come on, give it to me once and for all cos I’m gonna be with her whether you like it or not. This is my list and I will cross things off when I choose. Not you. I will not be karma’s bitch. (looks around nothing happens) That’s what I thought. (walks off)

CUT TO – Alex’s office – Earl stands in the doorway. Alex’s back is to him, she is looking in a small compact mirror.

Earl: (v.o) when I got back to the party Alex wasn’t there so I hoped I would find her in her office.

Earl: good you’re here. I did it. I look karma in the eye and karma backed down. (Alex turns around, she has huge welts on her face) Son of a bitch!

Alex: I think the bees were looking for you Earl. How bad is it?

Earl: ahh its ahh it-it-its’ not too bad.

Alex: they just kept coming after me it was like they were on some kind of mission.

Earl: it knows it can’t get to me so it’s going after you.

Alex: what?

Earl: Karma. Its like the bad guy in Spiderman he can’t beat Spiderman so he goes after his girlfriend. Karma can’t get to me so he’s

Alex: you think it’s going after me.

Earl: I know you think I’m crazy but I’m

Alex: no. believe me I don’t. (pointing to her face)

Earl: I’m sorry Alex. We can’t do this. I have to get away from you before you really get hurt. More than this.

Alex: yeah it’s just too bad cos I was just starting to think that we could be

Earl: yeah me too. But it’s just not in the cards for me right now. I can’t be anyone’s boyfriend. I’m karma’s bitch.

(Alex understands and she stands up. Earl and her share a sweet kiss. Earl leaves.)

CUT TO – Bus Stop. Earl and Randy are fixing the sign. Earl is pushing the sign with his car, while Randy directs him to stop.

Earl: (v.o) it was a hard thing to do walking away from Alex but it was the right thing. Just because I met a pretty girl doesn’t mean I deserve to be with her yet. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life and I still have to make up for them. And that’s what karma was trying to tell me. But I realised I don’t need bottle rockets, darts or bee stings to see that. (The bus stops and the people get on) it’s the feeling I get when I cross something off my list that reminds me I’m going in the right direction. (Earl crosses off his list) And each day I’m getting a little closer to the kind of man I want to be.

CUT TO  - Motel Room - Earl is looking through his mail when he comes across a postcard with bees on it

Alex: (v.o) Earl, Remember what you’re working for. Thinking of you, Alex.

Earl: (v.o) and who knows if I keep doing what I’m doing one day I will deserve a girl like Alex. (Randy rides on a tricycle out of the motel room) Cos that’s the way karma works.

THE END

N.B. From the Postcard Alex sent we found out Earl’s address ‘Earl Hickey The Palms Motel Room 231, 9005 Lincoln Blvd, Camden USA’

I have to say this was a fantastic episode and if you get the opportunity to watch it, it’s worth it.. it would be great to see Christine Taylor back later in the season as Alex and Earl’s relationship was so sweet and a love interest would bring something different to the show. Another top show of My Name Is Earl… And Randy was hilarious as usual…

Starring:

JAIME PRESSLY as Joy
JASON LEE as Earl
ETHAN SUPLEE as Randy
NADINE VELAZQUEZ as Catalina
EDDIE STEEPLES as Darnell
and
CHRISTINE TAYLOR as Alex Meyers

MARC BUCKLAND – Executive Producer
GREGORY THOMAS GARCIA – Executive Producer
GREG GARCIA – Creator
JASON LEE – Producer
HENRY J LANGE JR. – Producer

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Transcribed by LAUREN for http://www.twiztv.com
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