The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of LAUREN.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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Earl: You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks. Well, that was me, Every time something good happened to me, something bad was waiting right round the corner. Karma, that’s when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I’ve ever done and one by one I’m gonna make up for all my mistakes, I’m just trying to be a better person. My Name is Earl.

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OPENING CREDITS

OPENING SCENE – Earl’s and Randy’s faces grimacing in pain.  

Earl: (v.o) Randy and I usually avoided exercising at all costs but sometimes there’s no way around it.

(Earl and Randy are pushing Earl’s car down the road)

Randy: can we take another break? I’m having trouble getting air into my mouth and down to my stomach.

(Earl nods. They walk to the back of the car and sit down.)

Earl: (v.o) Running out of gas was karma telling me it to do number 62 on my list.

FLASHBACK – Night – Earl and Randy are at a car, stealing its gas. Using a hose they put the gas in plastic garbage bags.

Earl: (v.o) a while back Randy and i came across the only car in the trailer park without a locking gas tank. For about a month before I won the lottery and stopped stealing that ugo (car) was our own personal Texaco. The first time we did it we used garbage bags (Randy spills the gas) Then we found out gas eats through garbage bags. (Earl bag collapses) Eventually we learned to put it in cans, which we still have. So we filled em up and headed over to the trailer park to return the gas and cross it off my list.

END FLASHBACK – CUT TO Joy’s Trailer. Darnell is putting a pile “Classy Ass” magazines near the trash. Earl and Randy pull up.

Earl: Hey Crabman.

Darnell: Hey Earl. Whatcha doin?

Earl: just looking for a car I stole gas from. What’s with all the magazines?

Darnell: Joy found my stash of Classy Ass and she’s making me get rid of them.

Randy: (to Earl) man that’s a lot of classy ass. I bet that’s more than the president has.

(Joy walks out of trailer carrying more magazines)

Joy: hey dummy

Earl and Randy: Hey.

Joy: Darnell I’m missing February the 4^th in the stack, you better not be hiding it.

Darnell: (defeated) it’s behind the pretend fire place I’ll go get it.

(Darnell walks to the trailer, Joy follows him)

Joy: Darnell I don’t know why you’d want to look at Miss February tramp anyway when you got all this right here. Darnell you better look at my boobs when I’m talking about em!

(Earl and Randy drive away, kids from the trailer park run the pile of Classy Ass magazines and steal take them)

CUT TO – A guy is vacuuming a piece of carpet. Earl and Randy drive up and get out.

Earl: (yelling over the vacuum) Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second.

Guy: I don’t vote, I already have a religion and I hate whales.

Earl: no no its about your car. My name’s Earl Hickey and I stole gas from you.

Guy: I never stole gas from you.

Earl: no I stole your gas. Look I have a list. (annoyed) will you please turn that thing off? (The guy turns around and the vacuum starts sucking up Earl’s shirt) Give it to me. Ok (Earl turns off vacuum) There. See. Nice. Now we can talk.

Guy: (to Randy who has clothes pegs on his fingers) Hey hey. What are you doing with my garment pins? Put my pins back. (throws a rock at Randy)

Randy: I wasn’t gonna keep them, I was just playing daddy long fingers.

(Guy goes to throw another rock, Earl stops him)

Earl: hey calm down. Put the- Put the rock down. Look see I have this list

Guy: and you want me to sponser you by donating a dollar

Earl: What? No. Wh-what I was gonna say

(They start talking over one another here)

Guy: you need directions, I don’t have time I’m busy. That rug is very dirty cos its grey. Not a brown one cos that’s the colour of dirt, I wasn’t thinking.

Earl: I have a list of bad things I’ve done and I’m making stuff up to people and you’re on the list cos I siphoned gas from you. (yells) I siphoned gas from you.

Guy: when?

Earl: about this time last year. I’m bringing the gas back. See. (to Randy) Randy! Start unloading the gas. (to Guy) I did you wrong but now I’m making up for it. So you forgive me, can I cross you off my list.

Guy: fine whatever.

Earl: thank you. (Walks away, frustrated, mimics strangling him)

CUT TO: Earl and Randy stopping at a stop sign exiting ‘Pimmit Hills Trailer Park’.

Earl: man that guy was annoying. Huh. Kinda like when you bite the inside of your cheek and it swells up but you keep biting it and biting it and biting it.

Randy: you’re cheek still hurting Earl?

Earl: yeah a little. Thanks for asking. (looks up noticing the guy walking up the middle of the road, dragging carpet.) what the hell?

(the guy lays on the ground and covers himself with the carpet, Earl and Randy get out of the car and run over to him)

Earl: what are you doing?

Guy: getting hit by a car. Killing myself.

Randy; is it because you’re annoying. I bet its because you’re annoying.

Guy: its because if you hadn’t been stealing my gas I’d be dead already.

Earl: what are you talking about.

FLASHBACK – Night - Earl and Randy stealing the gas. Morning – Guy gets in his car with a hose from his exhaust to the window,starts car, its smokes a little, then cuts out. The gas light is on.

Earl: (v.o) it turns out the month Randy and I kept stealing gas was the same month this guy kept trying to kill himself with the car exhaust. Although he didn’t have enough gas to do it. (The guy tries again for a second time) Even though he got close the car always died before he did. (For the third time) After a couple of weeks he finally gave up. (Guy  gets out of car, angry, slamming the car door 5 times.)

END FLASHBACK – CUT TO Guy lying on the road.

Guy: you know how many times I vomited without getting the benefit of dying.

Randy: 7, no 8, 47.

Guy: for this entire time I thought god is intervening and saving me for something real special instead I’m getting SCREWED by a couple of thieves.

Randy: maybe god was saving you to be screwed by a thieves, and when there was only one set of footsteps maybe god was carrying you to be screwed by thieves.

(Earl and the guy start talking over one another again.)

Earl: Randy. (to guy) can we just talk about what you’re doin. I-i-I mean there’s a

Guy: a law against killing myself. Yeah I don’t really care….

Earl; what I was gonna say is

Guy: ….I mean I usually obey the law. What are they gonna do give me a ticket when I’m dead? whoooo, don’t do that…

Earl: a car is coming, a car is coming.

Guy: …no kidding officer its gonna be easy to keep silent cos I’m DEAD!!!

Earl: (yells) A car is coming!!!

(guy looks up at the car driving towards him)

Guy: I’m killing myself and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. (puts the carpet over his face. Earl walks toward the car, signaling for the car to drive pass) NUTS!!

(They hear a truck coming)

Randy: it’s fine Earl. The carpet will protect him.

Earl: Randy I think we need to help this guy/

Randy: I say we don’t. You already crossed him off your list. I saw you do it. We don’t have to help him anymore.

Earl: well technically we don’t have to help him but we can’t just walk away. What are we supposed to do, just stand here and watch him get run over.

Randy: I don’t want to see it. But if we get in our car and hear a thump and a scream, that’s none of our business.

Earl: I’m sorry Randy I can’t explain it. This whole list thing has me feeling things I’ve never felt before. I can’t just walk away from the guy.

Randy: then lets run Earl. Let’s run away from him. we can make it a race, it’ll be fun.

Earl: he’s not that bad.

(the truck stops, Earl pulls back the carpet)

Earl: hey buddy. Today’s your lucky day. I’m gonna find you a reason to live. (the guy sneezes on his face) ah you know most people cover their mouths when they do that.

CUT TO – Crab Shack. Randy, Earl and suicidal guy are sitting at the bar, Darnell places beer on the counter.

Earl: (v.o) finding someone a reason to live wasn’t something I’ve ever had to do before. Especially someone I hardly knew.

Earl: so suicide guy.

Guy: Philo.

Earl: Philo. Ah why do you want to kill yourself?

Philo: cos I don’t have a job, I don’t have any friends, I live in a trailer with no heat, I fail at everything and my feet hurt.

Earl: ever tried different shoes?

Philo: I got to go tinkle. (walks off)

Randy: tinkle. That is so stupid. I wonder what he calls going ploppies.

Darnell: man that guy’s a drag. He someone on your list?

Earl: he was but I crossed him off so I’m finished with him. but I’m helping him anyway.

Darnell: why?

Earl: I don’t know. Guy wants to kill himself I can’t just walk away from him.

Randy: are you gonna start helping people who aren’t on the list now? Cos if you do you’ll never finish it and go back to stealing again.

Earl: you don’t really understand my list do you Randy?

Randy: no. not really.

(There is a loud crash. Randy and Earl get up to investigate)

CUT TO – Earl and Randy entering the men’s bathroom, a pipe is broken and water is running on Philo, who is sitting in a trash can. There is a belt tied to the pipe like a noose.

Philo: oh hi guys, would one of you mind picking up that broken pipe and beating me to death with it?

(Randy walks over and picks up the pipe getting ready to hit Philo)

Earl: Randy. Put it down.

Randy: but Earl he said he wanted me to hit him.

Earl: (frustrated through his teeth) Randy Put it down!

(Randy puts it down, disappointed)

CUT TO: Motel, Earl and Philo are leaning on the motel’s balcony rail.

Earl: (v.o) I realized if I was gonna keep Philo from killing himself, it wasn’t enough to just babysit him. I needed to find a way to lift his spirits and get him out of this funk. First I tried small talk.

Earl: that’s a real interesting birth mark you got on the back of your neck.

Philo: my mom hit me with a curling iron. I spilt cereal on the carpet, it didn’t even have milk in it.

Earl: so you mom wears her hair curly huh

(Philo just looks at him)

CUT TO – Motel room, Earl and Randy are playing Hockey.

Earl: (v.o) the small talk didn’t work so we tried other ways of having fun. You know like motel hockey. (Earl and Randy are pushing each other out of the way, Earl hits the puck to Philo who is standing in the doorway, staring at it. Randy runs over and hits him into the door, Philo falls down.)

Earl: Randy.

Randy: that was a clean hit.

CUT TO - Earl entering a bookstore.

Earl: (v.o) nothing was working and since suicide is a serious thing I thought I should consult an expert. Since experts write books I went to the bookstore a place I’d only been once before.

FLASHBACK – Earl runs out of a bookstore, with pantyhose over his face, stealing books. END F’BACK.

(Earl walks up to the bookstore employee)

Earl: Excuse me sir, ah do you people have anything here like a book a guy could use to keep another guy from killing himself.

Guy: we have self esteem for dummies. But I think that sold out. Try the self help section. Oh and we also have a large selection of books on tape.

Earl: what do you mean like sticky?

Guy: cassette tape. It’s a book, but the author reads it to you, on tape. Book on tape.

Earl: wow it doesn’t get anymore futuristic than that huh

Guy: well actually it does you can download the books directly to your ipod now.

Earl: ipod huh? Is that some sort of space capsule or something?

(The guy just looks at him)

CUT TO: Motel swimming pool – Randy and Philo are sitting down when Earl walks up.

Earl: I think I got it. (fiddles with a plastic bag) it’s a book on tape called ‘something to live for’ (throws it to Philo. I also got a novel version of Roadhouse read by Patrick Swayze (hands it to Randy)

Randy: the best bouncer in the business.

Earl: this will be great books are written by smart people and smart people know how to fix problems.

Philo: no thanks. (throws it away)

Earl: come on Philo. I’m trying to save your life.

(Catalina walks past pushing the maid trolley)

Earl: Catalina hold up. I need to ask you a favour. I got this guy who ah well needs something to live for.

Catalina: I am not sleeping with that man

Earl: no no of course you’re not. I know that. Just make out with him a little.

Catalina: no I can smell him from here.

Philo: its ok I’m not interested. I already got a girl I love. She’s hot.

Earl: wait you love a girl.

Philo: yeah, she hates me and she would if she ever met me. I don’t even know her name.

Catalina: excuse me. I’m hot.

Philo: you’re ok. But compared to my girl you look like one of those things from Lord of the Rings that crawled out of the ground and attacked the castle.

Catalina: this uniform is not flattering. You should see me in jeans and a bra.

Randy: Ewoks. Those are called ewoks.

Earl: (leans and whispers in Randy’s ear) Randy this could be it. If we can get this girl Philo likes to like him maybe it will give him something to live for. We won’t have to watch him every second of the day.

(Philo gets out of chair and jumps in pool, Earl Catalina and Randy look at him.

Earl: I’ll get the boat

CUT TO: Earl and Randy cleaning up Philo. Philo is resisting everything they do.

Earl: (v.o) after we fished Philo out of the bottom of the pool. We cleaned Philo up and got him ready to go and meet who we hoped would be his new girlfriend. It finally felt like we were finally gonna get him out of our lives and I could go back to only helping people on my list.

CUT TO: Trailer park – Earl, Randy and Philo are walking towards a trailer. Philo points to one.

Earl: that’s the girl you love.

(Joy storms out of her trailer yelling at Darnell)

Joy: oh please. Victoria Secret is just as bad just as bad just cos they’re classy doesn’t mean they’re not still whores. (throws it in the trash)

Earl: son of a bitch.

Joy: I don’t know why you want a …. When you got a maserati right here.

Earl: you love Joy?

Philo: Joy. Classy name for a classy lady. Sometimes I watch her do laundry. So hot.

FLASHBACK – Joy is taking laundry off the line. Philo is hiding in the dead bushes watching her. Joy takes off a pair of undies off the line and puts them on. END FLASHBACK

Earl: you can’t ask Joy out on a date. She’s married.

Philo: oh but she’s always yelling at her husband. I know she’s not happy.

Earl: oh that’s her happy. She’s just a bitch.

Randy: you know I love Darnell but if you don’t get this guy out of our lives maybe you should consider, you know, killing Darnell.

Earl: Randy, we’re not killing Darnell.

Philo: (throws down flowers) I knew this wasn’t gonna work.

Earl: whoa whoa  come on now I think this could work. Let me talk to Joy. Randy take him back to the motel.

(Earl walks in the direction of Joy’s trailer)

Randy: alright Philo. Would you rather

Philo: sit in the back of the truck cos you hate me.

Randy: no what I was gonna say that, (Philo starts talking over top) would you rather stop and get pizza or burgers. Pizza or Burgers. Pizza or burgers?

Philo: (over top of Randy) that you hate me. I had to ride in the trunk once when it was raining. It didn’t leak in but it made is louder. (makes sound of thunder, wind and rain)

Randy: Would you rather stop and get pizza or burgers. Pizza or Burgers. Pizza or burgers?

PIZZA PIZZA we’re getting pizza.

Philo: I like burgers.

Randy: too bad.

CUT TO Earl walking to Joy’s trailer. Darnell and Joy are fighting.

Earl: (v.o) you may think me asking my ex wife for help crazy but sometimes you got to fight crazy with crazy.

Darnell: I wasn’t flirting with her Joy. She’s a girl scout. I like slim mints.

Joy: Darnell you ain’t getting em cos she ain’t coming back. Not after what I did to her bicycle. (smirking)

Earl: (opens door) hey Crabman. I was looking to having a word with Joy.

Darnell: hey Earl. Come on in. we were just fighting, Joy’s jealous.

Joy: I am not jealous. You’re the one that should be jealous I can’t even walk down the street without guys offering to do me.

Darnell: I take that as a compliment. I don’t get jealous.

(Darnell walks away, Joy yells after him)

Joy: that is a lie everybody gets jealous. Hell even frogs get jealous. I saw that on TV. That’s what all that croaking’s about. (Watches Darnell hitting the punching bad, to Earl) What do you want?

Earl: (v.o) I could tell it wasn’t the best time but I asked Joy my favour anyway. (Earl is explaining to Joy the situation, her facials are classic). I figured if she’d sit down with Philo tell him that she’d date him if she weren’t already married. (Earl imitates Philo hanging himself, and that he’s crazy) It might give him enough hope in the future to stop trying to kill himself. At least long enough to at least walk away.

(Joy looks at Darnell hitting the bag)

Joy: tell that little doofus to meet me Friday at the Crab Shack.

Earl: Really?!? Thanks Joy. It’s a big help. Oh and I hear you’re wearing underwear again. Good for you.

(Earl leaves, Joy goes to the window looks at Darnell)

Joy: (mumbles) Doesn’t get jealous huh. Hmph.. (yells) Boys get momma’s plastic stripper shoes out of your lego box.

CUT TO – Crabshack – Earl and Randy walk in with Philo, who is wearing a suit.

Earl: (v.o) when the big day arrived I was feeling a nervous. It seemed we were finally close to getting rid of Philo and I didn’t want anything to go wrong.

Darnell: Hey Earl.

Earl: Hey Crabman. Need a few beers.

Darnell: sorry boss said I can’t serve you till you fix that pipe in the bathroom. It sprays people when they flush. Luckily only a few people have flushed so far. (hands Earl a roll of tape)

CUT TO: Bathroom – Earl is standing on a chair fixing the pipe. A guy standing at the urinal flushes and it sprays in Earl’s face. Eww.

CUT TO: Philo and Randy sitting at a table. Philo is breathing heavily, Randy just staring at him.

Randy: you’re breathing loud.

Philo: its because you made me use toothpaste. It makes the sores in my mouth sting.

(Joy walks in looking skanky. Philo just stares)

Joy: you the weird guy that likes to watch me take my underwear off my clothes line?

Philo: one of them yes ma’am.

Joy: beat it Randy. (Randy gets up quickly, Joy sits down.) I hear you have a crush on me.

Philo: yes.

Joy; hmm that’s nice. (looks at Darnell) do me a favour, put your hand on my leg right here and just like rub it around. (grabs his hand and places in on her leg) this side. Ok. (louder) you like that darlin? Huh. (Philo nods) Shaved above the knee today.

Philo: so much better than a doll.

(Darnell notices and walks over)

Darnell: (takes Philo’s hand off Joy) get your hands off my wife.

Joy: what’s the matter with you? Thought you didn’t get jealous.

Darnell: guess I was wrong. Cos my heart feels like there’s blood gushing in and out of it.

Philo: that’s what a hearts suppose to –

Darnell: Shut up.

Joy: oh baby. That’s how my heart feels. That’s all I needed to hear. (kisses and hugs Darnell)

(Darnell and Joy whisper to one another)

Philo: umm, ahh I thought we were on a date.

Joy: it was a date. But not all dates are good ones honey. Sometimes it ends up with your sweetie doing a black man in the bathroom. (giggles) come on. (Darnell and Joy rush off)

CUT TO - Bathroom. Randy is watching Earl fix the pipe. Joy and Darnell run in.

Earl: what are you doing here? where’s Philo?

Joy; he’s gone I blew him off.

Earl: damn it Joy I told you he’s suicidal. Come on Randy.

(They slide out of the bathroom and run through the Crab Shack.)

CUT TO – Earl and Randy pushing the car again.

Earl: (v.o) I wanted to find Philo as fast as I could but we had to stop for gas. It made sense, I’d stolen gas more than once, karma was paying me back more than once.

Randy: we got to stop Earl. I can feel my heart beating in my teeth.

Earl: sorry Randy we can’t we got to get to a gas station. I’m not letting Philo down on my watch.

CUT TO – Philo’s Trailer – Earl nod Randy drive up.

Earl: (v.o) and then I saw the thing I feared the most.

(Philo is sitting in his car, Earl walks over and puts his head in his hands. Leans on the car.

Philo: hey Earl.

Earl: (freaks) Holy Moses!! You scared the crap out of me. I thought you were dead.

Philo: dead. (laughs) why would I be dead? You crack me up Earl. I was just listening to this tape you gave me. I don’t have a cassette player in the house.

Earl; I tought you killed yourself.

Philo: killed myself. Wh-what why would I kill myself. That’s crazy.

Earl: is it? The woman you loved just blew you off and two days ago you tried to kill yourself cos a squirrel looked at you wrong.

Philo: I know. That was before I had friends.

Earl: excuse me.

Philo: yeah I mean there’s no reason to kill myself now that I’ve got friends. (gets out of car smiling)

Randy: if he’s got friends how come they haven’t been helping him instead of us?

Earl: I think he means us Randy.

Earl: (v.o) that’s when I realized that while Randy and I were trying to find him a reason to live he found it on his own. Us. His new friends.

Philo: hey why don’t you guys come in and watch my old wrestling tapes from high school. I wasn’t on the team or nothing but me and my sister had some real close matches.

Earl: I know you don’t understand why Randy but I got to go inside. If you want to take the car –

Randy: I’ll go in there with you.

Earl: really?

Randy: yeah. That guy didn’t kill himself cos of us Earl and that’s kinda cool. Makes me feel weird in my stomach. But I like it. Is that why you want to help, cos of that weird feeling in your stomach?

Earl: I guess it is.

Philo: hey come on. I cleaned all the junk off the couch. I found a real big blanket we can sit under. (smiling)

Randy: how long you think we need to be his friends?

Earl: not sure.

Randy: I still don’t like him Earl.

Earl: I know Randy. I don’t like him either.

(Earl and Randy walk into trailer)

THE END

Starring:

JAIME PRESSLY as Joy
JASON LEE as Earl
ETHAN SUPLEE as Randy
NADINE VELAZQUEZ as Catalina
EDDIE STEEPLES as Darnell
and
ADAM GOLDBERG as Philo

MARC BUCKLAND – Executive Producer
GREGORY THOMAS GARCIA – Executive Producer
GREG GARCIA – Creator
JASON LEE – Producer
HENRY J LANGE JR. – Producer

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Transcribed by LAUREN for http://www.twiztv.com
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