The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of LAUREN.
"MY NAME IS EARL" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION in association with NBC. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain. For entertainment and educational purposes only. No infringement intended.
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
==========================

---

Earl: You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks. Well, that was me, Every time something good happened to me, something bad was waiting right round the corner. Karma, that’s when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I’ve ever done and one by one I’m gonna make up for all my mistakes, I’m just trying to be a better person. My Name is Earl.

---

OPENING SCENE: Earl is standing at a blackboard writing ‘Learning English – Welcome Students’
 
Earl: (v.o) Some people might be surprised to see me weraring a fancy jacket, with leather elbows and teaching a class.
 
Earl: (claps his hands together) Alright. Lets get started. (a class of different ethnicities)
 
Earl: (v.o) But how hard can it be to teach foreigners to speak American.
 
(Earl walks between students towards the back of the classroom)
 
Earl: (to an Asian lady) Hi. (slowly and with his hands) My – name – is – Earl.
 
Asian lady: My – name - is – Earl.
 
Earl: Really. Well hello Earl. (puts his hand out for her to shake) haha. In my country, Earl’s a boy’s name. (laughs).
 
Earl: (v.o) so why am I here. Number 27 on my list. Made fun of people with accents.
 
FLASHBACK: Doctors office, Randy and Earl are there, with Indian doctor.
 
Doctor: (in Indian accent to Earl) ooh not good, that is very very infected. (Earl and Randy laugh) Sir, you could lose your arm. This is very very serious.
 
Earl: (laughing) berry berry, you can’t say v’s.
 
(Randy and Earl are thumb wrestling walking down the footpath, two german girls talk to them)
 
Girl 1: ah pardon to interrupt we are looking for the station of the buses yah.
 
Earl: (mocking them) ahh yeah, Herksy, Berksy, Fartey, Churchky (Earl and Randy laughing)
 
(Crab Shack – drinking beer)
 
Russian Busboy: you vant to take your plate.
 
Earl: I vant to suck your blood. (Randy and Earl are laughing, waiter shakes his head and walks away)

END FLASHBACKS - CUT TO: Motel – Earl and Catalina are talking
 
Earl: (v.o) I wasn’t sure how to make up for all the teasing I had done. So I asked the one person I know who talks funny. I mean speaks with an accent.
 
Catalina: you make fun of the way people talk. You should be ashamed of yourself.
 
Earl: I am. I just don’t know how I am going to make up for it.
 
Catalina: you want to make up for laughing at people who can’t speak your language. Teach them your language.
 
Earl: I can do that. Does the Manager know you wash off the plastic cups and put em back in the rooms?
 
Catalina: it was his idea. He told me not to waste my time trying to be so clean now that triple A took away our half a star.

CUT TO: Classroom, Earl is explaining by using a map
 
Earl: (v.o) so here I am teaching. Last time I stood in front of a room full of foreigners, I was robbing the DMV.
 
Earl: Alright guys, Lets try some basic directions. (pointing to a map) To get to the library, we need to take a left at the light, okay, you how do you get to the library?
 
Indian Storekeeper: My name is Earl.
 
Earl: (v.o) These people were not going to find the library.

CUT TO: Crabshack – Earl and Randy are sitting at the table having a beer.
 
Randy: Now that’s crazy. How do you come to this country and expect to be able to find the library when you can’t even speak English.
 
Darnell: Here’s the food.
 
Earl: Thanks Crabman.
 
Darnell: Hey, been thinking about coming up with another phrase for when I drop off the food.
 
Earl: I have no opinion on that.
 
Darnell: yeah its tricky. (walks away)
 
Randy: yeah I like ‘here’s the food’, cos that’s what’s happening.
 
(Earl nodding in agreement, Ralph enters the crabshack)
 
Ralph: Guess who got out of prison not a day early for good behavior.
 
Earl: oh Ralph, man
 
FLASHBACK- Earl and Randy sitting in a lounge room, watching tv, Ralph walks in with food, police lights start flashing. They run.
 
Earl: (v.o) Ralph Mariano, before he went to prison, me randy and Ralph used to hang out together and steal stuff. Sometimes we have so much fun ….
 
Ralph: I’ve made some nachos.
 
Earl: (v.o) we forget to steal.

END FLASHBACK - CUT TO: Crabshack, Ralph and Earl hugging.
 
Earl: 18 months, I missed you buddy.
 
Ralph: yeah me too man. It feels good to hug a man who knows he doesn’t have to go anywhere.
 
Randy: how’s prison? They make you go to sleep real early.
 
Ralph: well they turn the lights off around 9 o’clock but you can lay there in the dark for as long s you want.
 
(Randy looks impressed)
 
Earl: Hey why don’t you let me buy you a beer.
 
Ralph: no no man, its on me. You know in the joint the guards pay me 12 cents an hour to do their taxes for em. Those guys are gonna be scr-ewed.(walks to the bar)
 
Earl: (to Randy) look don’t tell Ralph about me turning my life around with my list and everything ok.
 
Randy: why not?
 
Earl: cos I don’t know how he’s gonna react. I mean I was the one who taught him to steal. I’m kinda his wax on wax off paint the fence guy. (swigs his beer) Mr Miyagi.
 
FLASHBACK: Young Ralph is staring at a gumball machine. Young Earl and Randy walk up.
 
Young Earl: whatcha doin Ralph.
 
Ralph: hey Earl, Hi Randy. I was just thinking about how much I wanted a gumball, but my mom won’t give me a nickel till I clean out my room.
 
Young Earl: (takes Baseball bat off young Ralph) Watch this. (hits the gumball machine) I call that a street piñata.
 
Young Ralph: nice. I’ll go get us some sodas. (Ralph walks to the soda machine and starts hitting it)
 
END FLASHBACK - CUT TO: Earl, Randy and Ralph are at the convenience store.
 
Earl: (v.o) I knew I’d have to tell Ralph about he list sooner or later but for now I just wanted to have fun like the old days.
 
(Inside, Ralph starts putting things in his jacket. Earl sees the Pakistan guy from his language class)
 
Indian Storekeeper: My name is Earl.
 
Earl: (looking around, cautiously, whispering) Hey there buddy.
 
Indian Storekeeper: hey there buddy.
 
Earl: sshhh.
 
Indian Storekeeper: sshhh.
 
Ralph: Nothing for me Tonto.
 
Earl: sorry about that he’s been in prison. He doesn’t know you’re supposed to say native American.
 
(Earl chuckles, waves and leaves)

CUT TO: Earl, Randy and Ralph walking down the street at night.
 
Earl: (v.o) not wanting to tell Ralph that I’d gone straight put me in somewhat of a pickle. The guy just loves to steal. (Ralph stops at a parked car and is trying to get a wedding dress out) It got me thinking what am I supposed to do when someone around me loves doing bad things.
 
Ralph: Check it out man, Runaway bride. (turns and runs, Randy follows)
 
Earl: Does karma expect me to stop him.
 
CUT TO: Motel Earl and Randy are drinking beer. Ralph walks out where the wedding dress.
 
Ralph: I think I’m gonna let my sister use this dress. (Randy laughing hysterically) I bet some guys would pay a lot of money for a lap dance from a bride. (Ralph has drink of beer, as he sits down he throws the can, and falls off the bed)
 
CUT TO: Outside motel, empty beer cans are floating in the pool, inside motel, the room is messy, Ralph is asleep on the floor. Earl sitting awake in bed.
 
Earl: (v.o) Even though I’m trying to be a better person, will karma hold me responsible for the bad things that my friends do. Since the last time karma punished me I was hit by a car and ate steak out of a straw for three weeks, I didn’t want to find out. (Earl gets up, cut to car where Ralph stole the dress, Earl is putting it back.) So I spent the rest of the night going back and making up for all the bad things Ralph had done. (Earl at convenience store, giving guy money)
 
Earl; my friend ran out of here before without paying for some hair gel or something.
 
Indian Storekeeper: My - name - is - earl.

CUT TO: Motel pool, Earl is cleaning, Joy walks up.
 
Joy: Hey ass wipe. I don’t know the hell what is on your touched by an angel list that’s making you teach people English, but you need to stop.
 
Earl: excuse me.
 
Joy: you got a Chinese girl in your class named Kim Lee.
 
Earl: she’s not Chinese she’s Vietnamese.
 
Joy: Honey I don’t care if she’s Vietnamese, Chinese, or chucky cheese, she don’t need to be learning no English.
 
Earl: why.
 
Joy: because its gonna cut into my premium nail decorating business (holds up her hand, showing long nails painted red with some gold decoration)

CUT TO: Joy’s trailer – she is doing a lady’s nails.
 
Earl: (v.o) my ex wife joy runs a premium nail decorating business out of her trailer.
 
Joy: Now did you want me to paint the zodiac signs on here, I mean there’s twelve but I can paint the extra two on your big toes.
 
Earl: (v.o) business was good until Kim Lee opened a similar operation 3 trailers over. (Kim Lee walks out of her trailer to put up a sign ‘ we do nails for you happy’) Joy hated competition so she had to find a way to give herself an edge. (Puts up a sign ‘we speak English’)
 
CUT TO: The motel pool, Joy still talking to Earl.
 
Joy: look Earl, you can’t teach her how to talk I got kids to feed.
 
Earl: these are good people Joy. I mean they have a right to learn whatever they want.
 
Joy: no they don’t! there is nothing in the bible that says people have a right to learn stuff. I have read it.
 
Earl: look I’m sorry Joy, it’s on my list, I made fun of people who can’t talk, I gotta do it.
 
Ralph: (on motel balcony) what list?
 
(Earl looks disappointed that he got caught out.)
 
Joy: oh hey Ralph. How was prison?
 
Ralph: I’d say about a five. What list?
 
Earl: it’s nothing.
 
Joy: you mean this idiot hasn’t told you bout his stupid list yet.
 
Earl: (mouthing) shut up
 
Joy: yeah, he’s a real goody two shoes now. He’s goin straight and the rest of us have to pay for it.
 
Ralph: (laughs) gone straight. Earl, what she talking bout.
 
Earl: look I was gonna tell you I just didn’t –
 
Ralph: wait. Wait. Wait. Is that where my sisters wedding dress has gone. Did you take it back.
 
Earl: I’m sorry I had to. I don’t steal anymore Ralph.
 
Ralph: (in disbelief) I don’t even know what to say. (walks off)
 
Joy: is his sister getting married. Is she? Cos if she didn’t ask me a bridesmaid I swear to god I’m will march down to that club chubby and wrap her neck around that pole.
 
CUT TO: Crab Shack. Earl is there with Ralph who is eating and drinking beer.
 
Earl: (v.o) I explained everything to Ralph over breakfast. Karma, the list, turning my life around. He seemed more interested in his French fries, until I got to the part about the lottery money.
 
Ralph: you won a hundred thousand dollars?
 
Earl: yep, cos I started doin good things, and I’m using the money to cross things off my list. I’m telling you this karma stuff works.
 
Ralph: Karma, huh
 
Earl: yep. Like that tattoo on your arm (ying-yang symbol)
 
Ralph: now I thought that was two tadpoles doin it.
 
Earl: that’s what I used to think. Turns out that is karma.
 
Ralph: hmm. Alright good buddy, I’m in.
 
Earl: what?
 
Ralph: look I’m in. the only reason I steal so I can have a better life and if you’re saying I can have that with this here karma, I’m in.
   
Earl: (happy) alright.
 
Ralph: yeah. (lifts up his leg) these are two cougars doin it right?
 
Earl: yeah that’s two cougars doin it.

CUT TO: Lamp store, Earl is talking to the manager.
 
Earl: (v.o) if Ralph was gonna go straight, the first thing he needed was a job. Luckily I was friendly with the manager at a local lamp store.
 
Earl: (to man) I mean look at him, it’s like he was born to work with lamps.
 
(Ralph standing at a lamp, turning it on and off)

CUT TO: Classroom, Earl is teaching the class
 
Earl: (v.o) with Ralph squared away, I went back to class. Getting people to learn is hard work. No wonder teachers make so much money.
 
Earl: (pointing to map) one block, then right, two blocks then left. You see, and that’s how you get to where Earl lives, (places an arrow on map, pointing to his house) Who wants to tell me how to get to where Earl lives? How bout ….. Nescobar A Lop Lop.
 
Nescobar A Lop Lop: (stands up) Erections lasting more than 4 hours, while rare requires emergent medical attention.
 
Earl: (v.o) Having em watch tv as homework wasn’t working out. Then I think he cursed me in his native language.
 
Nescobar A Lop Lop: Seacrest out. (sits down)
 
Earl: Thank you Mr Alop-lop. (looks down at class list) Ahhh, Kim Lee. Ahh, can you tell me how to get to Earl’s (class turns around, there is an empty seat) Where’s Kim?

CUT TO: Joy’s trailer, Joy is there with Kim Lee.
 
Joy: ok, so when you’re doing somebody’s nails you say. ‘I – do – good – job’
 
Kim Lee: I do good job.
 
Joy: ok, ‘now – I – give – you – big – infection’
 
Kim Lee: I give you big infection.
 
Joy: (clapping) that is so good.

CUT TO: Motel, Earl walks up to his room.
 
Earl: (v.o) class was frustrating, and I was looking forward to hanging out with people who knew how to speak our native tongue.
 
(While Earl is unlocking his door, Ralph comes out of the room nextdoor,
 
Ralph: hey Earl, look where I moved in at.
 
Earl: you got your own place. Good for you.
 
Ralph: damn straight.
 
(Earl walks into Ralphs motel room, there are lamps everywhere, Randy is sitting in a chair with a beer)
 
Earl: you got a job,
 
Ralph; yeah,
 
Earl: (looking at all the lamps) wow. Ahh, you got a lot of lamps in here.
 
Ralph: yeah. I stole them from work.
 
Earl: I figured that. Why?
 
Ralph: well cos that what I do Earl. I steal things.
 
Earl: but I thought you were gonna change
 
Ralph: I know. I tried your way I did. I was good all morning and then I went and brought 20 lottery tickets at lunch, I scratched them all off and I didn’t win a damn thing. man this karma stuff just ain’t working for me.
 
Earl: you gotta give it time man.
 
Ralph: I don’t think so man. Hey, I’m a thief not a lamp salesman.
 
Earl: Ralph, ahh I hate to say it but I don’t think I can hang out with you anymore.
 
Ralph: come on man, you serious?
 
Earl: I’m sorry, but I just can’t be around you if you’re gonna be stealing things, and being bad.
 
Ralph: I’m definitely gonna be stealing things and being bad.
 
Earl: yeah I can see that. Look I’m sorry, I don’t know, I - guess this means goodbye.
 
Ralph: yeah I guess so. Do you wanna take a lamp with ya?
 
Earl: no that’s a nice offer Ralph, but I can’t, I can’t do that. Come on Randy,
 
Randy: uhh I’m gonna hang out
 
Earl: what?
 
Randy: Ralph, stole this hand dolley from work and he’s gonna push me around on it in the parking lot real fast.
 
Earl: Randy. We gotta go. We got some things on the list to do.
 
Randy: Earl, you got some thing on the list to do, I don’t have a list. I wanna have fun.
 
Earl: alright, you guys have a good time. You know… a good time. (he leaves hurt)

CUT TO: Motel Parking lot, Ralph is pushing Randy on the hand dolley. Earl is watching from the balcony, Catalina walks up to him.
 
Catalina: why aren’t you playing with your friends?
 
Earl: cos that dolley is stolen property. I can’t be apart of that.
 
Catalina: why’s Randy out there?
 
Earl: (upset) cos Randy doesn’t have a list. Ok, Randy’s a big boy whose allowed to make his own decisions in life and if that decision is to choose a fast ride in the parking lot on a stolen hand dolley, over his own brother, than that’s his pergovative! I mean pervocative – what’s the word?
 
Catalina: (shrugs her shoulders) I learnt English a year ago.
 
Earl: whatever it is it’s his (walks inside his motel room and closes the door)
 
Earl: (opens door) Peranegian.
 
Catalina: maybe.
 
(Catalina continues watching Randy, Earl goes back inside.)
 
(Randy on Dolley, with Ralph pushing him. Earl inside his motel room, picking up a book for his class. Picks up photos of Randy drawing on Earls face while he is asleep)
 
Earl: (v.o) the next couple of days Randy spent almost all his time hanging out with Ralph. And the truth is I really started to miss him… but I didn’t’ have time to mope. I had a classroom full of new Americans, eager to not understand a word I said.

CUT TO: Earl leaving his motel room, phone rings.
 
Earl: (picks up phone) Hello.
 
Ralph: Earl its Ralph, we got a big problem. Randy and I were trying to break into a house and he got stuck in the chimney. We went in santa style, took a shot.
 
Earl: Damnit Ralph! I knew something like this was gonna happen. This is the karma I was telling you about. Where are you?
 
(Earl leaves motel, Ralph is in his motel room next door hanging up the phone. Randy walks out of bathroom)
 
Randy: who were you talking to?
 
Ralph: oh that was my mother and a squirrel got in her house and she tried to chase it around, hit it in the head with a lamp. (Hits Randy over the head with a lamp) Sorry about that man.

CUT TO: Randy waking up. He is tied to the dolley, Ralph is searching through Earl’s room.
 
Ralph: oh good you’re awake.
 
Randy: how’d we get in my room.
 
Ralph: hey where does Earl keep that hundred grand he won.
 
Randy: you hit me in the head with a lamp.
 
Ralph: oh yeah. I’m sorry about that man I really am. Money does bad things to people. There ain’t no excuse for it. People are just weak don’t you think?
 
Randy: I guess, yea.
 
Ralph: so where does Earl keep that money?
 
Randy: I’m not gonna help you steal from my brother.
 
Ralph: see Randy, I was hoping you weren’t gonna say that.
 
(Randy is now in the shower, strapped to the dolley.)
 
Ralph: where’s the money?
 
Randy: I’m not telling.
 
Ralph: I’m, sorry man I really am, I;m a bad person, I can’t help myself.
 
Randy: I know. It’s not your fault.
 
Ralph: ok. (Flushes the toilet, the hot water burns Randy, Randy screams in pain)

CUT TO: Earl walks in a house,
 
Lady: but I didn’t call anyone about my chimney.
 
Earl: just a routine check, ma’am. (up chimney) Randy!
 
Lady: why are you calling my chimney Randy?
 
Earl: oh I call all chimneys Randy. It’s how the chimney sweeps in London refer to them. You know (in English accent) Clean your Randy for you ma’am. (knocks chimney) yeah this chimney was made in England. Randy! Randy!
 
Lady: I’m getting my gun.

CUT TO: Motel room - Ralph, he turns the shower head to Randy’s groin region.
 
Randy: (shaking his head) lets not do that.
 
Ralph: I don’t want to, I really don’t, you’re a good friend of mine. I don’t want to burn your testicle.
 
Randy: well lets just stop now, forget this whole thing ever happened.

Ralph: I like that, as soon as you tell me where Earl keeps his money. (walks over to toilet)
 
Randy: alright alright, its not in his room, its in a safe deposit box, you’ll never find the key cos Earl keeps it on him. so please don’t burn my gerrys.
 
(Outside motel room, Earl is walking towards his room)
 
Earl: (v.o) clearly Randy was not stuck up a chimney. Which was good, cos it meant he learnt his lesson from the last two times. (enters room, sees the mess and Randy) but something weird was        going on.

Earl: Randy!
 
(Ralph hits Earl over the head with a lamp)
 
Ralph: Ka-Bam!

CUT TO: Both Randy and Earl are taped together standing up. Earl is just waking up.
 
Randy: Earl.
 
Earl: Ow. That hurt. What happened?
 
Randy: Ralph set us up. He took your safe deposit key and your drivers license and he’s on his way down to the bank to steal your lottery money.
 
Earl: they’re not gonna give him my money, he doesn’t look anything like me.
 
Randy: he did before he left.
 
FLASHBACK: Earl is a unconscious, Ralph has put on a wig an moustache to look like Earl. )
 
Ralph: (to Randy) hey man, what do you think? (puts on a voice) I believe in karma, do good things and good things happen. (laughs)
 
END FLASHBACK - CUT TO: Earl and Randy.
 
Randy: I’m sorry Earl. It’s my fault. I was bad and so something bad happened to me. Karma, it’s like you’re always telling me.
 
Earl: it just doesn’t make sense though. Why is karma punishing me. You were the one doing bad things with Ralph. I’ve been good.
 
Randy: yeah you have been good. Hey, maybe if you call karma it might come and save us. Call it.
 
Earl: Randy. It doesn’t work like that. It’s Karma, not Lassie.
 
Randy: come on, you just try it.
 
Earl: Randy I’m not gonna cal
 
Randy: come on Earl. We’re about to lose everything and its all my fault, can’t you just try it.
 
Earl: fine. Kar-ma. (listens for a reply) see it doesn’t work.
 
Randy: (whispers) try it louder
 
Earl: Karma!
 
(knock on door, the door opens, his students of his English class are there)
 
Nescobar A Lop Lop: Hello.
 
Earl: son of a bitch.
 
Randy: look Earl. It’s Karma’s army. Made up of people from all the lands of all the worlds.
 
Earl: what are you guys doing here?
 
Nescobar A Lop Lop: Earl, no come class.
 
Earl: how did you find me?
 
All: one block then right, two blocks then left. That’s how you get to where Earl lives.
 
Earl: well look at that, I did teach you something.
 
Randy: (looks up) Thanks Karma!

CUT TO: Ralph walking to bank, dressed like Earl.
 
Earl: (v.o) when I got untied I called the bank to stop Ralph and they called the police. (Ralph sees a police officer coming towards him, he turns around and there is another police officer there, he runs.) They might have caught him if they had another cop. But officer Lee was busy with a family emergency.

CUT TO: Trailer Park, Kim Lee is talking to Officer Lee, Joy is standing there
 
Kim Lee: (says something in Vietnamese)….. catch big infection.
 
Joy: look I don’t know what she’s talking is a real language, but if it is, it’s a lie.

CUT TO: Crab Shack – Earl is buying beer for all his students.
 
Earl: (v.o) thanks to karma, my money was safe and things were back to normal. And thanks to my students I was able to cross, make fun of people with accents off my list. 
 
Darnell: (puts food on the table) time to get your grub on.
 
Nescobar A Lop Lop: it looks delicious. Thank you very much, Crabman.
 
Darnell: no problem Mr. Alop-lop. (walks away)
 
Earl: (v.o) and as for Ralph, well I could have told the police where to find him, but as crazy as it sounds he’s still my friend. Besides nobody should get their third strike for assault with a lamp.
   
(Ralph enters Crab Shack)
 
Ralph: hey Earl. Here’s your safe deposit key back. I want to apologize for everything, I got a little crazy there but ahh you know how these things go.
 
Earl: no problem.
 
Ralph: hey Randy, you want to play a little pool?
 
Randy: no I’m good. Me and Earl have got some stuff we gotta take care of on his list.
 
Ralph: ok. (walks away)
 
Earl: thanks man.
 
Randy: I’m proud of you.
 
Nescobar A Lop Lop: (holds up beer) Seacrest out.
 

THE END

Starring:
 
JAIME PRESSLY as Joy
JASON LEE as Earl
ETHAN SUPLEE as Randy
NADINE VELAZQUEZ as Catalina
EDDIE STEEPLES as Darnell
and
GIOVANNI RIBISI as Ralph
WHAN LEE as Kim Lee
ABDOULAYE N'GOM as Nescobar A Lop Lop

MARC BUCKLAND – Executive Producer
GREGORY THOMAS GARCIA – Executive Producer
GREG GARCIA – Creator
JASON LEE – Producer
HENRY J LANGE JR. – Producer

==========================
Transcribed by LAUREN for http://www.twiztv.com
==========================