The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of LAUREN.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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Earl: You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks. Well, that was me, Every time something good happened to me, something bad was waiting right round the corner. Karma, that’s when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I’ve ever done and one by one I’m gonna make up for all my mistakes, I’m just trying to be a better person. My Name is Earl.

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OPENING SCENE: A flashback of Randy and Earl in convenience store stealing drinks thenback to the present with them going back replacing the drinks in the fridge.
 
Earl: (v.o) Number 203 on my list stole various snacks and drinks from the local Quick Stop. Of course that was before I turned my life around. Luckily Randy still had his stealing  jacket so we had no problem sneaking the stuff back in.
 
Earl: Alright well I guess I can cross this one off.
 
Randy: hang on a sec Earl, (holding 2 hot dogs) I gotta put this back in the hotdog Ferris wheel.
 
(showing the hot dog Ferris wheel and a blonde haired girl)
 
Earl: oh my god, (panicked, climbing into fridge)
 
Randy: what are you doing
 
Earl: Natalie Duckworth is over there.
 
Randy: who
 
Earl: Natalie Duckworth, number 84.
 
FLASHBACK: Earl walks into the crabshack, the whole place is filled of bikers. Earl walks to the bar and blonde girl (Natalie) is standing there.
 
Earl: (v.o) About seven years ago, the crab shack was rented out for a biker party. No one hassled me at the door so I came in and learnt a new phrase, ‘open bar’
 
Earl: (to bar tender) a beer please
 
Natalie: make it two.
 
(Earl looks at her body and sees a tattoo, ‘wanna ride’ on her lower back.
 
Earl: I decided then and there that I did in fact wanna ride. After what some people might call a few too many beers, we went back to her house and had a really good time in the dark. Then it got light – fast. (Earl is asleep, Natalie opens her blinds to find a very pink, very girlie room.)
 
Natalie: (cheerfully) wake up sleepy head
 
Earl: huh.
 
Natalie: (climbing on the bed on top of Earl) That was some hell of a costume party last night wasn’t it.
 
Earl: (still waking up, confused) what? (looks around room) oh my god.
 
Natalie: oops my tattoo rubbed off on you (lifts up his arm Earl looks freaked out) Wow I’ve never brought home a guy before. This is wild huh. So, what do you wanna do today? Do you wanna go to the park? Oh my god, you know what would be great, the farmers market.
 
Earl: (confused) the who’s what?
 
(Natalie giggles and snuggles up to Earl)
 
Earl: (v.o) we were not cut from the same cloth. But no matter how different we were there was one thing we both liked (fooling around on the bed) Besides I didn’t want to run out on her. She had been hurt before.
 
Natalie: (both sitting in bed looking at a scrapbook) this is Ted, he left me for a stripper, that’s a lock of his hair, that’s a lock of the strippers hair, that’s a lock of my sisters hair, which leads up to John,
 
Earl: (v.o) even though I took home a Harley and ended up with a moped, I decided to give it a shot. I mean why not she was cute and had a satellite that sent kung fu movies from space.
 
(Natalie opens blinds while Earl is watching a kungfu movie)
 
Earl: Aughh
 
Natalie: it’s a beautiful day out. Lets go for a hike.
 
Earl: I-I was gonna watch this kung fu movie
 
Natalie: Hi-ah, (karate chops the remote control) Come on, (cuddles up to Earl on couch) Pwease come on a hike wif me.
 
(Earl and Natalie are hiking up a hill – Natalie is leading, Earl is tired)
 
Earl: (v.o) I tried to seem interested in the same things she was but it just didn’t come naturally.
 
Natalie: Look an ??
 
Earl: (pointing) wow look at that dog turd next to it. (Natalie giggles and playfully hits him)
 
(Natalie is paper mache, Earl is helping)
 
Earl: (v.o) she wanted me to do arts and crafts,
 
Natalie: help paper mache
 
Earl: (v.o) somehow she figured out a way to make newspapers even more boring (newspaper is stuck to his fingers)
 
Natalie: oh wook, somebodys a bit sticky wicky.
 
(Earl and Natalie on a picnic)
 
Earl: (v.o) she even made me go on picnics
 
Earl: so we just sit here.
 
Natalie: (laughs) we’re going to eat in a while.
 
Earl: what do we do til then.
 
Natalie: just sit…talk.
 
Earl: you know what we passed the days
 
(Earl getting a photo with Natalies parents)
 
Earl: (v.o) before we knew it we had been dating a whole month. When her parents came out and visited we all got our faces lasered in crystal, I knew things were getting to serious. I had to get out. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings so I figured there was only one thing to do.
 
(Randy is knocking on Natalies front door)
 
Randy: Earl’s dead. He was lost at sea this is all they found of him (holding up a wet black ac/dc tshirt) I thought you’d want it (drops in on the ground and walks away smiling)
 
END OF FLASHBACK - BACK TO PRESENT: the quick stop convenience store.
 
Earl: (v.o) I realize now that faking your death to break up with someone is not exactly thoughtful, it was time to find a way to cross her off my list.
 
(Natalie walks past fridges and Earls face is between milk cartons.)
 
Randy: (to Earl) you look like that little monkey in ET.
 
Earl: sshhh

CUT TO: Motel room, Randy and Catalina are there with Earl whose is making a bunch of flowers.
 
Catalina: you faked your death
 
Earl: I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.  This woman is very fragile. Needy, clingy and fragile.
 
Randy: Here, put some more baby’s breath in there, it fills in the gaps with a neutral colour.
 
Earl: (v.o) its funny how the brain sucks in things up, one summer Randy worked at a florist for almost ten minutes.
 
FLASHBACK: Florist
 
Florist: (to customer) just gonna put in some more babys breath it fills in the gaps with a neutral colour.
 
Randy: Ma'am, these vases always gonna make that sound when I'm drying them. The squeakin' makes my toes hurt.
 
END FLASHBACK - BACK TO PRESENT
 
Catalina: you can’t just tell this girl that you faked your death just to get away from her. She’ll be devastated.
 
Earl: I have to tell her. It’s on my list. I lied to her the only way I can cross it off si if I told her the truth.
 
Catalina: so? What is more important – your list or someones feelings?
 
Earl: I don’t know. My list.
 
Catalina: no.
 
Randy: (puts his hand up) feelings. I bet its feelings.
 
Earl: look I have to tell her. She almost saw me today and I’m not gonna hide in the refrigeratior.
 
Catalina: look Earl, if you really have to tell her at least say it was because of you. Say you weren’t good enough for her.
 
Earl: that’s another lie.
 
Catalina: but it’s a good lie. To protect her.
 
Randy: maybe you should listen to Catalina. She’s a woman just like Natalie. They’re both woman her and Natalie. You and I are men. We’re not woman.
 
Earl: (v.o) sometimes Randy takes a long road to a simple thought.
 
Randy: you see men think differently than woman. You and I think different than Natalie nad Catalina cos we’re men and they’re woman. I’m right, right. I’m not wrong. Am I wrong?
 
Earl: no (put his hand on Randy shoulder impressed)

CUT TO: Earl is carrying the flowers up Natalie’s driveway, Randy following.
 
Earl: (v.o) Randy’s long thought was right. Catalina seemed to know a lot more about woman than I did so I decided to take her advice. 
 
(Earl knocks on Natalies door, Natalie opens it and gasps)
 
Earl: Surprise
 
(Natalie screams, Randy screams and Natalie runs inside)
 
Randy: whoa. That was just like in ET when that little girl first saw the monkey.

CUT TO: inside Natalie’s living room, Randy is staring at a swan filled with candy and Earl is expaining to Natalie.
 
Earl: You see it wasn’t you, it was me. I pretended to be dead cos I was afraid I wasn’t good enough for you.
 
Natalie: I mourned you for months. I kept your shirt. I even made a paper mache bust of you to wear it.
 
(Randy and Earl turn around and see the paper mache Earl)
 
Earl: very nice. Very detailed. See it was that kind of perfection in your life that made me feel inadequate.
 
FLASHBACK: Earl is eating a sandwich, while Randy flips through channels on tv)
 
Montel Williams: it was that kind of perfection that made you fell inadequate.
 
(Randy changes the channel and begins to watch H.R. Huffenstuff)
 
END OF FLASHBACK - BACK TO PRESENT:
 
Natalie: I just wish you would’ve said something. Why wouldn’t you just tell me. I mean what doe that say about me.
 
Earl: not-nothing. It doesn’t say anything about you. It’s not your fault. You’re perfect. I’m the one. It was me.
 
(the front door opens a man walks in)
 
Dirk: sorry I’m late, sweetie. I hit the gym, fast train to ab town. (Looking at mail. Natalie smiling at him, he notices Earl and Randy) Are you being robbed?
 
Natalie: no. this is my ex boyfriend earl.
 
(Earl waves)
 
Dirk: the one with the stripper.
 
Earl: no, I’m the dead one.
 
Randy: are these candies free.

CUT TO: Randy walking out of Natalie’s house with the candy,
 
Natalie; thanks for telling me the truth. It truly makes me feel better that you’re alive.
 
Earl: I just wanted to make sure that you’re happy. Glad you found Dirk. He seems perfect for you.

Natalie: Thanks. We only met 3 weeks ago but we just click.
 
Earl: that’s great. Good for you. Well I should ah
 
Natalie: wait a second (goes and get paper mache Earl) I want you to have this, I’m glad you’re not dead. (kisses paper mache Earl) good bye little fella.
 
Earl: (look unsure what to do, in a high pitch voice) good bye Natalie. Thanks for making me (and the paper mache Earl kisses her on the cheek). (normal) Alrighty I’ll see ya
 
Natalie: bye.

CUT TO: motel- Earl is looking for his pen, Randy is eating and Catalina is making the bed.
 
Earl: (v.o) I was feeling pretty good about Natalie and how we left things and the ‘me’ made out of wet newspaper made a decorative touch to the room.
 
Earl: Randy have you seen the pen, (holding the list) I need to cross Natalie off my list.
 
Randy: (to Earl) nope. (to Catalina) Catalina how often do you clean the bedspread (wiping something off his sandwich)
 
Catalina: I don’t know, I’ve only worked here for a year.
 
(knocking on the door, Earl opens it and Natalie is standing there – crying)
 
Natalie: Dirk is gone.
 
Earl: what
 
Natalie: Dirk is gone.
 
(Earl standing shocked, Natalie walks in)
 
Earl: (v.o) when we got Natalie calmed down she explained something terrible had happened to Dirk.
 
Natalie: the police found his car in the woods, with blood in it. (starts crying again- high pitched) I think he might have been killed.
 
Randy: (whincing) Earl, is she gonna stop  squeaking like that, its making my toes hurt.
 
Earl: Alright, just sit here and try and calm down. I’ll get you something to drink.
 
(Earl leaves, Randy is looking at Natalie uncomfortably and he tries to be subtle when turning on the tv)
 
CUT TO:  Earl is walking along motel balcony towards vending machines when he hears a noise in one of the motel rooms and sees Dirk, giggling on the bed with blonde woman
 
Earl: Dirk?
 
Dirk: hey Earl. Don’t tell me your hooker works here too.
 
Earl: you’re supposed to be dead.
 
Dirk: (gets up from bed, walks to the door) Yeah, I know. Thanks for the idea. Boy just in time, I was just about to build a noose out of paper mache and hang myself at a picnic.
 
Natalie: Earl. (Dirk quickly closes the door)
 
Earl: Hey (to Natalie)
 
Natalie: I’m just gonna go home. Its probably best if I wait there. In case the police come.
 
(Dirk is talking really loud inside motel room, Earl bangs the door)
 
Earl: yeah, that’s probably a good idea.
 
Natalie: yeah (walks off, sniffling)

CUT TO: Crab shack. Randy, Earl and Catalina are playing pool.
 
Catalina: I can’t believe Dirk faked his death too.
 
Earl: He got the idea from me. That’s why karma wouldn’t let me find a pen to cross her off. I’m not done.
 
Randy: are you gonna tell her that he’s alive. She thinks he’s dead, but he’s not. He’s not dead, he’s living. He’s alive; he’s not dead like she thinks he is.
 
Earl: I think I should tell her right.
 
Catalina: You can’t tell a girl, 2 different men faked their deaths to get away from her. It well cross her spirit.
 
Earl: what am I supposed to do then. She’s very upset, she’s been through a lot. She thinks.
 
Catalina: so be her friend, comfort her. Maybe if a man is nice to her for a change, it will build up her confidence. Trust me, I’m a woman.
 
Randy: she’s right Earl. She is a woman and we’re men. You remember we talked about that.
 
Earl: yeah I got it Randy, thanks.

CUT TO: Natalies living room, Earl and Natalie are sitting on the sofa.
 
Earl: (v.o) the next few days hanging out with Natalie, all she wanted to do was wait for the phone to ring. Since I knew it wasn’t gonna, I thought I should get her out of the house.
 
Earl: (stands up) whose up for a hike, come on you love hikes (Natalie shrugs her shoulders,Earl reluctantly sits down, puts his head on her shoulder) Pwease go on a hike wif me.
 
Natalie: otay.
 
(Earl and Natalie are hiking. Earl is leading.)
 
Earl: see, hiking. Ahh this is fun. I like going up hills. I wish we could go up hills on the way back.
 
Earl: (v.o) all I had to do is seem interested in the things she liked doing and she started to cheer up. Hiking turned into arts and crafts.
 
(Natalie and Earl are doing Paper mache)
 
Earl: I started to ahh make you a magical fairy, but I ended up with ahh magical clump. (holds up a ball of paper)
 
Natalie: (smiling) thanks. It’s a very nice clump. (Earl looks proud) I’ll name it Alexander. Alexander the clump.
 
Earl: or Pepe. How bout Pepe the clump.
 
Natalie: I don’t get it. Why Pepe?
 
Earl: oh Pepe’s a name. I think its Mexican. (thinking, mumbling to himself) Yeah, its mexican.
 
(Earl and Natalie on a picnic)
 
Earl: (v.o) Paper Mache-ing turned into picnicking,
 
Earl: Its smells like feet but this cheese is pretty good.
 
Natalie: I love you.
 
Earl: what?
 
Earl: (v.o) then our picnic somehow turned into a relationship.
 
Natalie: I don’t want you to ever think you’re not good enough for me again. You’re perfect for me. My little butterfly flew away but he came back. He came back. (giving  Earl a butterfly kiss, Earl looks panicked.)
 
Earl: (v.o) and like a butterfly I too was trapped. Instead of a net, I was caught by a crazy girl wiping her nose on me.

CUT TO: Motel, beside the pool Catalina is sunbaking. Randy is cleaning the pool. Earl walks up to them.
 
Earl: she told me she loves me.
 
Catalina: what?
 
Earl: I was nice to her like you told me to and she told me she loved me. She even rubbed her nose against mine. Real soft.
 
Randy: what’d that feel like.
 
Earl: it tickled for a second. But then it itched.
 
Catalina: you must have been too nice to her.
 
Earl: too nice! You didn’t tell how nice to be to her, you just told me to be nice. She thinks we’re back together.
 
Dirk: (on motel balcony) Hey Earl. Is there a condom machine around here.
 
Earl: (rolling his eyes) no Dirk,
 
Dirk: (looking at maid trolley) what are these? (holding up something)
 
Catalina: shower caps
 
Dirk: (looking down) that could work.
 
Randy: Hey Earl you want me to tell Natalie that you’re dead again.
 
Catalina: you can’t do that.
 
Earl: what am I supposed to do then, huh, I mean I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but how am I supposed to get rid of her.
 
Catalina: she’s been kicked around by men her whole life. You have to give her the power. Let her break up with you.
 
Earl: She won’t do that. Thanks to you, I’m her nature hiking, paper macheing, soft nose rubbing butterfly in shining armour.
 
Catalina: so change. Be a bad boyfriend.
 
Earl: Bad boyfriend? It’s not that easy. Being mean goes against everything I stand for these days.
 
Randy: (lying on the ground, looking in the pool filter) Hey Catalina, The mouse catchers full again.

CUT TO: Earl and Natalie are hiking. Earl isn’t even trying.
 
Earl: (v.o) I knew being a bad guy was going to be hard but since Catalina said it was for Natalie’s own good, I made it my all.
 
Earl: Hey, look at the pretty yellow flowers (Natalie smiles, and Earl kicks em into the air.) Happy fourth of July. (does a little dance)
 
(Earl is paper maching)
 
Earl: check it out, I made your bust. (he turns around the paper mache bust with a pink bra on it.) I upped you a cup. You’re welcome (smiling, Natalie looks down at hers, emotionless)
 
(Earl and Natalie at a picnic, Earl is drunk)
 
Earl: (finishes can of beer) aahhh. Excuse me. (stands up and relieves himself)
 
Natalie: honey, don’t you think it would be better to relieve yourself a little further away form the blanket.
 
Earl: nah.
 
(Natalie moves to pick up the blanket)
 
Earl: (v.o) this poor girl was so insecure there wasn’t anything she wouldn’t put up with.
 
(Natalie has just finished baking cookies. Earl comes out with a rubber rope around his arm)
 
Earl: did you throw away my junk.
 
Earl: (v.o) Nothing worked. I was running out of ideas so Catalina agree to put an end to the whole thing once and for all.
 
(Natalie is walking down the motel balcony, knocks on Earl’s door)
 
Earl: come in. (Natalie walks in, stunned) oh yeah, oh, ahaha,
 
Natalie: Earl, what’s going on.
 
Earl: (Catalina and Earl pop their head out of the blanket) oh just blowing off a little steam, having a good time, can’t a guy have a party around her without getting hassled. Psst, get off my back. (goes back under the covers)
 
Natalie: you’re right Earl. Sorry for interrupting. Just have fun and call me when you’re done.
 
(Earl gets out of bed, fully clothed)
 
Earl: call me when you’re done. I’m in bed with another woman, don’t you want to slap me.
 
Natalie: do you want me to?
 
Earl: Natalie this is not working, remember when I said it wasn’t you it was me. Well its not me, it s you. Its all you.
 
Catalina: Earl
 
Earl: (to Catalina) no, no, no.no I’m done listening to you. You’re just as crazy as she is. (to Natalie) the thing is, you’re clingy, you’re a doormat, you have no self respect and that’s why guys want to leave you. They have to get a way from you. And that’s why I’m trying to get you to break up with me now.
 
Natalie: (realizing) Yeah well maybe it is you, because Dirk didn’t think I was a doormat, he didn’t want to leave me, he loved me for who I am.
 
(Natalie turns around to leave and sees Dirk in a bathrobe, stares at him and then at Earl and storms out, Earl looks terrible)
 
Dirk: hey Earl. (keeps walking past room)
 
Earl: (annoyed) Are there no other motels in this town!
 
Catalina: that went well.
 
Earl: look I know that I was hard on her but she needed to hear the truth, and when she’s over being upset it’s gonna make her a better person for the rest of her life.

CUT TO: A funeral, Natalie is dressed in white, lying in a coffin.
 
Earl: (v.o) as it turned out, the rest of her life wasn’t that long. Sadly Natalies parents told me that she was so distraught over yet another relationship ending, she took her own life.
 
(Earl, Randy and Catalina are standing over coffin, Earl places a white carnation on her, Natalie suddenly grabs his hand and they all scream running)
 
Natalie: Yes! Yes! Yes! Who’s the joke on now Earl Hickey, who’s the joke on now?
 
Earl: (scared) me?
 
Natalie: That’s right. Y – O – U. how does it feel huh, how does it feel to think someones dead.
 
Earl: crappy?
 
Natalie: Crappy’s right. That’s exactly how you made me feel Earl. Twice.
 
Earl: (v.o) it turned out thatCatalina and I were both kinda right. By being honest with Natalie, I made her mad, that anger gave her the idea to fake her death, and by doing that she finally got to have relationship power that Catalina said he needed. (Natalie is having trouble getting out of coffin) Now that Natalie had finally stood up for herself. And I admire her for that. Although her parents had a different opinion.
 
Natalie’s mother: (angry) you could have at least told us, you were faking it. (storms off)
 
Natalie: it had to seem real mom. (following her out of the room) lighten up.
 
Randy: (running past the door, screaming) she’s alive.
 
Earl: (v.o) Clearly she had finally found her back bone.

CUT TO: Motel, Dirk is lying beside the pool, Natalie walks up to him and throws him his mail.
 
Earl: (v.o) and as I had hoped it had carried on past her funeral and onto the rest of her life.
 
Natalie: Hey Dirk. Still getting your mail. It’s from the clinic. Somebody got themselves an STD>
 
Dirk: I can deal with that.
 
Natalie: Turn the page.
 
Dirk: ohh crap.. (Natalie walks away smiling) Damn shower caps. (Earl on the balcony watching, smiling)
 
Earl: (v.o) Her new found confidence even let her finally showcase her wet newspaper art in a public setting. (Natalie’s show, Earl is watching her tell her story to a couple) and because I earned it, karma finally let me find a pen. (Earl crosses Natalie off his list)

CUT TO: motel room, Earl is hanging up a paper mache doll.
 
Earl: it was finally nice to see Natalie so happy wasn’t it.
 
(He uses the doll as a piñata, while Randy is talking he puts on a blindfold and tries to hit it with a baseball bat, instead he breaks the lamp. He stops, looks and considers what went wrong and goes to do it again.)
 
Randy: Yeah, I’m glad she’s not dead anymore. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead, you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff 'cause we're livin'. We're not dead. We're alive. If we were dead, we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do because we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, because they're livin'. And you have to be livin' to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, except, when you're alive, sometimes bad stuff happens, too. Like sometimes you can get in a car wreck, or you can have a headache, or twist your ankle, or even stub your big toe. So bein' alive is kinda hard, too. But I think it's definitely better than being dead.
 

THE END

Starring:
 
JAIME PRESSLY as Joy
JASON LEE as Earl
ETHAN SUPLEE as Randy
NADINE VELAZQUEZ as Catalina
EDDIE STEEPLES as Darnell
and
DAX SHEPARD as Dirk
BETH REISGRAF as Natalie

MARC BUCKLAND – Executive Producer
GREGORY THOMAS GARCIA – Executive Producer
GREG GARCIA – Creator
JASON LEE – Producer
HENRY J LANGE JR. – Producer

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Transcribed by LAUREN for http://www.twiztv.com
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