The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of LAUREN.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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Earl: You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks. Well, that was me, Every time something good happened to me, something bad was waiting right round the corner. Karma, that’s when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I’ve ever done and one by one I’m gonna make up for all my mistakes, I’m just trying to be a better person. My Name is Earl.

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OPENING SCENE: The motel, Earl is sitting by the pool reading his list.
 
Earl: (v.o) The tough thing about having a list of over 200 things you’ve done wrong to people is choosing which one you’re gonna make up for next. Should I do number 73, Always took a penny, never left a penny.
 
FLASHBACK: Earl is in convenience store, buying a pack of gum, he tips over the penny jar.
 
Earl: Count that up and see if I’ve got any change coming back.
 
END FLASHBACK – BACK TO PRESENT – The Pool.
 
Earl: (v.o) or should I do number 86, stole a car from a one legged girl.
 
FLASHBACK: Driving off in car, one legged girl hopping out hold a rifle, shoots it
 
Girl: you said you loved me.
 
(Earl continues driving)
 
END FLASHBACKS – BACK TO PRESENT – The Pool
 
Earl: (v.o) or should I tackle one of the many things on the list that involve my ex wife Joy.

CUT TO: Newspaper of Earl with winning check, Joy in Kitchen while Darnell does weights.
 
Joy: I still can’t believe that son of a bitch won the lottery right after I divorced him. Half that money should be mine.
 
Darnell: (pointing at his bicep) look at my bicep when I do this. See that one right there on the side, (smiling) that’s new.
 
Joy: I’m gonna get me that money (picks up the car keys)

CUT TO: Motel, Randy and Catalina join Earl by the pool.
 
Earl: (Randy throws him a cassette) what’s this
 
Randy: I got you something to help you with your list, it’s a quit smoking tape, number 102, harmed and possibly killed people with second hand smoke.
 
Earl: oh yeah, where’d you get it, its got jelly on it.
 
Randy: I showed Catalina where all the good yard sales are.
 
Catalina: I got a foot massager for 2 dollars. All it needs is a new motor.
 
(Earl nods, impressed)
 
Earl: (v.o) Ever since the first time Catalina cleaned our room, Randy’s been making any excuse to spend time with her.
 
FLASHBACK: Catalina and Randy at a yard sale
 
Randy: (to old man) how much for this tape that helps quit smoking
 
Old man: 40 cents
 
Randy: how bout 25.
 
Old man: 35
 
Randy: 30
 
Old man: 32
 
Randy: Deal, ahh say luke I’m your father.
 
Old man: Luke I am your father
 
(Randy smiling)
 
END FLASHBACK – BACK TO PRESENT – Earl, Randy and Catalina by the pool.
 
Randy: so you’re gonna quit
 
Earl: (stands up) yeah yeah yeah I just a wanna finish this pack first, I don’t want to be wasteful. Number 49 on my list, I’ve been wasteful.
 
Catalina: (following Earl) So whats next on your list.
 
Earl: I don’t know, I haven’t figured that out yet.

Catalina: can I pick one?
 
Earl: Hell, why not. Gotta do em all anyway. (hands Catalina list)
 
Catalina: How bout do one-twelve Let Donny Jones serve jail time for a crime I committed.
 
Randy: oh man.. Donny Jones.

FLASHBACK – Donut store, Earl is holding a gun to the donut guy with a stocking over his head.
 
Earl: (v.o) A few years ago I robbed the donut shop, to be honest I shouldn’t have been out, I had a pretty bad cold and I could have spread it round. (Earl sneezing, pull gun trigger, water comes out. Runs away) Fortunately for me the security camera couldn’t see my face and I’d stolen a shirt from a friend named Donny Jones, (line up of 6 men with stockings on their faces) unfortunately for Donny he had a checked past and no alibi from the night of the robbery
 
Police : Number 4 step forward (number 4 steps forward)
 
Earl: (v.o) most unfortunate for Donny he had also caught my cold (Donny sneezes)
 
Donut Guy: That’s him. Number four.
 
Donny: WHAT!
 
Earl: (v.o) the jury found Donny guilty and he served two years in prison. (Donny in Jail)

END FLASHBACK – BACK TO PRESENT -  at the pool
 
Earl: (shaking his head) I’m not doing Donny Jones
 
Catalina: why not?
 
Earl: I just don’t want to ok. I don’t even know where he lives.
 
Randy: They have big yellow books where you can find that stuff out Earl.
 
Earl: I’ll quit smoking alright. I’ll do that one (takes the last drag of cigarette, throws it away) see I quit smoking.
 
Randy; you’re scared and I know it
 
Earl: I’m not scared of Donny Jones.
 
Catalina: Why you scared of Donny Jones
 
Earl: I’m not scared of Donny Jones
 
Earl: (v.o) that was a lie.
 
FLASHBACK: Randy, Earl and Donny drinking beer.
 
Earl: (v.o) There’s not a lot of people in this world im afraid of, but Donny, well
 
(Donny puts his beer on the esky, a paperboy walks past and throws a paper, it hits Donny can, Donny gets angry and goes after him.)
 
Donny: its on
 
Earl: (v.o) Donny is crazy.
 
(Donny tackles the paper boy and hits him with his paper. Earl and Randy look in shock)

END FLASHBACK – BACK TO PRESENT – the pool
 
Earl: I’d love to take care of Donny but I can only do one thing at a time. Focus on quitting smoking.

CUT TO: Earl sitting at the crab shack, smoking
 
Earl: I was gonna focus on quitting smoking, but it turns out that quitting smoking is stressful and when im stressed out, I smoke.
 
Randy: (Walking up behind Earl) Hey Earl
 
(Earl trying to put out his cigarette before Randy sees)
 
Earl: Hey, hows it going? (using his hand to get rid of any smoke)
 
Catalina: we found donny Jones.
 
Earl: what why
 
Randy : it was Catalina’s idea, she said you need a push.
 
Catalina: when someone’s scared of something you need a friend to push them to overcome their fears.
 
Randy: u know, like throwing someone in the ocean whose afraid of swimming or putting a snak in a young girls bed
 
Earl: (unconvincingly) I don’t need no push.. I’m not scared. Alright. Im occupied. I’m busy quitting smoking.
 
Catalina: (picking up cigarette butt) we’re just trying to help.
 
Earl: that was there when I got here.
 
(Randy picks up cigarette butt, upset at Earl)
 
Earl: quitting is hard Randy, I didn’t smoke for a whole hour and I started to shake. (Randy throws the cigarette down and walks away) my systems used to running on more tar. (picks up cigarette to light)
    
Earl: (v.o) I knew cigarettes could kill me but so could Donny Jones. Beside from living a long life is concerned I should have been more worried bout my ex wife.

CUT TO: Joy’s trailer. She cleaning when she finds Earls video will.
 
Joy: oh snap! Darnell run down to the video hut and rent me a VCR.
 
(Joy puts video into VCR and sits on couch with Darnell.)
 
CUT TO VIDEO: starts to play, ‘Aunt Milly starts walking again’ then cuts to Earl making his will with Joy)
 
Joy: next time you steal a camera Earl, make sure it in the right direction
 
Earl: I think I got it on. (Places it so it shows both Joy and Earl on couch)
 
Joy: I love you Earl
 
Earl: I love that you love me.. I want to document this. (Looks into camera) if I ever die I want this woman right her (pointing to Joy) to have everything I own. Everything. (Joy and Earl start kissing)

CUT TO: Joy’s trailer -  Joy stops video and is sitting on the couch smiling
 
Joy: what do you think of that.
 
Darnell: (Pointing to tv, smiling) rewind it, I wanna see that old lady walk again.
 
Earl: (v.o) Joy knew that video is the only thing close to a will I have. Normally she’s not that violent. But money makes people crazy.
 
CUT TO: Joy is in gun shop.
 
Joy: I’ll take this (places gun on bench)
 
Guy: there’s a three day waiting period for guns.
 
Joy: Free my ass. Fine, what can I walk out of here today that can kill somebody.
 
Guy: Anything in aisle 4.
 
Joy: Fine. (Smiling) Thankyou.

CUT TO: Earl walking down the footpath.
 
Earl: (v.o) Randy took Catalina to another yard sale to find a motor for her foot massager. So I had some time to focus on quitting smoking. (Stops, looks at ground then leans against a fence, eyes closed, listening to the stop smoking cassette)
 
Earl: I am not a smoker. (takes a drag of  cigarette) Smoking is bad. (Arrow is shot at him, misses his head) I don’t want to die. (Another arrow is shot, misses Earl)
 
Joy: (holding, bow and arrow) Dammit! (gets another arrow ready)
 
(Randy and Catalina pull up and beep the horn, Earl walks towards the car. Joy shoots another arrow and hits the fence just as Earl steps away from it)
 
Earl: (to randy) hey I was just listening to your tape. Good stuff.
 
Randy: We got some crazy straws at the yard sale. Wanna get some slush puppies.
 
Earl: yeah why not. A nice sugary drink might get my mind off cigarettes (gets in car)
 
Randy: I hope these straws don’t have the flu in them.
 
Earl: (Earl burps, smoke comes out) wow where’d that come from. I haven’t smoked all day.

CUT TO: The car is coming down the street. Randy stops outside a house.
 
Earl: why are we stopping?
 
Randy: I think we got a flat in the back.
 
Catalina: yeah I heard it too.
 
Earl: Dammit. (gets out of car) I just got those tyres five years ago. (Catalina closes car door) What are you doin.?
 
Randy: (pointing) that’s Donny’s old house.
 
Earl: What?
 
Catalina: it’s Donny’s house. Face your fears. (winding up window, pushes horn)
 
Earl: (Earl runs around car to hide. Randy winds up his window. ) This isn’t funny, open the door Randy.
 
Randy: it’s for your own good Earl. This is your snake in the bed.
 
Earl: I don’t want no snake my bed
 
Catalina: You can’t finish your list if your scared. We are doing this cos you r our friend.  DONNY!!
 
Earl: (angry) Stop it! Let me in
 
(Randy sympathetically holds down the horn, Earl tries to hide. Randy hits the horn again)
 
Earl: Randy open the door
 
(Donny is coming out of the house)
 
Donny: Earl? Earl Hickey.
 
(Earl trying to hide gives up and shows his face)
 
Earl: Donny Jones! Hey buddy we should uh catch up sometime. You know, when I don’t have to, (randy drives off) or now.

CUT TO: Inside Donny’s house sitting on couch.

Earl: [v.o] Have you ever heard the expression crazy eyes, well Donny had them

Donny: Earl Hickey

Earl: Donny Jones

Donny: You look good

Earl: You look good, look real good. What are those new pants?
 
Donny: Nah I had em a while

Earl: But still look new nice crease, I should ahh get me a pair of those. Hard to find good pants Ha-ha

Donny: So your brother and that little Mexican lady told me that you wanna talk to me about some list

Earl: Did they now? All right good yeah, they can be very helpful. All right here is the deal Donny. I am on uh kind of uh mission. (picks up knitting needles) Wow these are long, and sharp huh

Donny: Their my mom's, She likes to knit

Earl: (to donny’s mom) Good for you sweet heart, Nice to have a hobby. (to Donny) Any way uh Donny, I’ve recently discovered karma, and I’ve written a list of all the bad things I’ve done in my life and I am trying to make up for em

Donny: I think I know what you’re getting at Earl.

Earl: (picks up pillow, holds it in front of him) You do?

Donny: Yeah! you had awakening same thing happening to me in the joint when I found Jesus (lifts his shirt up shows a tattoo of Jesus on the crucifix on his chest.)

Earl: Wow

Donny: nice huh? I also got Moses partin' the Red Sea on my bottom, you wanna see that? (gets up, moving to drop trousers)

Earl: No no may maybe later
 
Donny: Ok (sits down) So anyway about a month into my sentence I started reading the bible. And it really kept me out of trouble.
 
FLASHBACK: Jail – alarm is going off, inmates running
 
Inmate: Hey hey hey one of the gang stomped a guard in the cafeteria you in?
 
Donny: (reading the bible) sorry, I’m busy stomping the devil out of my heart, but thanks for thinking of me.
 
END OF FLASHBACK – BACK TO PRESENT – Donny’s living room.
 
Donny: Ever since I found the Lord I really turned my life around. Prison turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
 
Earl: Sooo.. You’re not mad that you were mistakenly incarcerated for a crime some unknown person committed.
    
Donny: I didn’t rob that store, Earl. But we both know I was a sinner. (Earl nodding) Besides as the good book says forgiveness is the way to salvation. (Picks up a large bible, hands it to Earl)
 
Earl: wow that’s  a big bible.
 
Donny: its my mom’s. Large print.
 
Earl: ohh
 
Donny: she refuses to wear her reading glasses. (whispering) she thinks they make her look old.
 
FLASHBACK: Donny and his mom is reading the bible
 
Donny’s Mom: Do not drink wine when (turns page)thou go into the taber (turns page) nacle of the lord.
 
END FLASHBACK – BACK TO PRESENT - . Donny’s living room.
 
Earl: so you’re all churched up then. Huh. Good for you.  Giving up all that hurting people.
 
Donny: Turned the other cheek now.
 
Earl: and you got a tattoo of the red sea to prove it.
 
Donny: Wanna see it now.. (goes to pull down his pants again)
 
Earl: No, I’m still gonna pass on that. But I do need to tell you something. Ah, something I did to you that’s on my list, something that turned out to be good for you but all the same something that was wrong. (takes a breath) I was the one that robbed the donut store.
 
Donny: What
 
Earl: it was me. Donny. I was wearing a shirt that I stole from you. I’m the reason you went to prison. (Donny staring at him, Earl is uncomfortable) And found the Lord. Went to prison and found the lord. (Donny still angry)
 
FLASHBACK - Donny runs up behind a police officer and steals his gun and runs away
 
Earl: (v.o) Even though Donny had changed I was still scared. Cos no matter who it was now, Donny used to be crazy.
 
END FLASHBACK – BACK TO PRESENT Donny’s living room -  Donny still angrily staring at Earl
 
Earl: (whispering) What would Jesus do?
 
Donny: (looks down his shirt at his tattoo) Jesus what would you do. (looks up smiling, to Earl) I forgive you.
 
Earl: (shocked) Really?
 
Donny: like I said before Earl, prison changed my life. I mean even if you hadn’t of done what you did, I probably would’ve ended up there anyway. (stands up) cross me off your list.
 
Earl: (shakes his hand) alright, thank you.  I will. Thanks Donny.
 
Donny: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve I gotta help a prayer buddy in the garage, when he showed up I thought he was speaking in tounges but turns out he was just packing on stuff. (Donny leaves)
 
Earl: hey don’t worry I let myself out. (Crosses Donny of his list)
 
Earl: (v.o) And there it was, thanks to Randy and Catalina’s push I faced my fears and everything turned out fine.
 
(Earl get hit across the face with the large Bible, by Donny’s Mom)

CUT TO: Donny’s mom attacking him with the bible.
 
Earl: what the hell.
 
Donny’s mom: you son of a bitch, you put my baby in prison for 2 years.
 
Earl: take it easy, you heard Donny he forgave me
 
Donny’s mom: Well he forgave you but I don’t. (hits him with the bible again, he falls out the door)
 
Earl: (army crawling to get away) Help help
 
Donny’s mom: you took my baby away I’ll never get those years back. I should be on your stupid list. (kicks him)
 
Earl: Oww, ok ok i’ll put you on it. (writing on his list) Took Donny away from his mother for two years. Alright. You’re on it, now what do I have to do to get you off me
 
Donny’s mom: get me those two years back.
 
Earl: you know I can’t do that.
 
Donny’s mom: well then I guess you’re screwed. ( hits him with the bible again)
 
(Earl hits the ground hard, he sees that Donny’s mom smokes, has an idea)

CUT TO: Earls motel room - Earl with gaffa tape, Donny’s mom gagged and taped to a chair,
 
Earl: (v.o) I know this looks bad, but she refused to come on her own. Trust me I have a plan.
 
(Darnell walks in room)
 
Darnell: Hey Earl
 
Earl: Hey crabman,
 
Darnell: Joy wanted me to bring you these poisoned cookies
 
Earl: (confused) huh
 
Earl: (v.o) Darnell filled me in on the video will and Joy ‘s attempt to kill me.
 
(Shows a flashback of Joy making the cookies with Rat Posion.)
 
Darnell: I wasn’t gonna get involved but now she’s got me delivering poison, it just don’t seem right.
 
Earl: (impressed) thanks Crabman
 
Darnell: no problem Earl (leaves)
 
(Donny’s mom breaks free from gaffa tape, Earl puts new tape on. Randy and Catalina enter the room)
 
Randy: Earl, how come you’re taping Donny’s mom to a chair. Whoa, cookies.
 
Earl: Randy those are poison.
 
Randy: oh, ok.
 
Earl: I’m taping her to this chair because she’s gonna quit smoking, before it kills her. (to Donny’s mom) stop kicking.
 
Catalina: Something about this feels wrong.
 
Earl: no its fine. I’m giving her a push. Just like you guys gave me a push. (to Donny’s mom) I have to do this you’re on my list now. I took your son away from you for 2 years, and the only way I can get them back time is if I give you 2 more years on this earth. (to Randy) Randy, those are poison.
 
Randy: how poisoned?
 
Earl: put it down.(to Donny’s mom) Look I know its not goin to be easy , but you’re not going to do it alone. I’m going to quit with you. (throw cigarettes to Catalina) I know you’re scared to give up the smokes, so am I, we’re gonna get through this together.
 
Catalina: this is the sweetest most justified kidnapping I’ve ever seen.
 
Randy: how many have you seen.
 
Catalina: 5 or so.
 
Earl: I’m gonna take the gag out of your mouth now, ok so please don’t holler.
 
(She shakes her head, Earl removes the gag)
 
Donny’s mom: He-lp!, coughing, Hel-cough (Earl covers his face, Randy looks at Cookies and Catalina looks disgusted.) Hel- cough, (she is having trouble breathing)
 
Earl: (v.o) turns out I didn’t need the gag. 40 years of smoking had taken away her ability to scream.
 
Donny’s Mom: (defeated) Alright, fine, I’ll quit
 
Earl: (proud) that’s my girl.

CUT TO: Donny’s mom lighting a smoke, Earl putting out the smoke.
 
Earl: (v.o) Quittin' smokin' is kinda like going to prison. If you can get through the first three days, you got a fighting chance. First we tried the tapes, then we tried the patches. Someone told us to try carrot sticks as a substitute, but we couldn't get the damn things to light. (Both are watching Betty Boop cartoons.) After some laughter’s, some tears and a lot of burnt carrots, battled our addiction and won. (Pulling the car outside Donny’s house) Even though we started out strangers, by the end I felt like I knew Donny’s mom as well as I knew my own.
 
Donny’s mom: Thank you Earl.
 
Earl: Thank you. Donny’s mom.
 
(Both smiling, Donny opens front door of the house as Donny’s mom gets out of the car)
 
Earl: (v.o) it was hard but it was worth it, we gave each other life, (Earl watches Donny and his mom hug) she’s gonna get those extra years with her son she wanted and I just might get a few extra year myself. It’s hard to believe we got all that done in 3 little days (crosses Donny’s mom off of his list). Unfortunately, another thing a person can get in 3 days, (Earl can see Joy in his rearview mirror holding a gun).
 
Earl: I wrote up a new will Joy, you can kill me but there ain’t no money in it.
 
(Joy annoyed, puts down gun and walks away, Earl is smiling)  
 

THE END

Starring:
 
JAIME PRESSLY as Joy
JASON LEE as Earl
ETHAN SUPLEE as Randy
NADINE VELAZQUEZ as Catalina
EDDIE STEEPLES as Darnell
and
KATHRYN JOOSTEN as Donny’s Mother
SILAS WEIR MITCHELL as Donny

MARC BUCKLAND – Executive Producer
GREGORY THOMAS GARCIA – Executive Producer
GREG GARCIA – Creator
JASON LEE – Producer
HENRY J LANGE JR. – Producer

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Transcribed by LAUREN for http://www.twiztv.com
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