M I L L E N N I U M
"SOMEHOW, SATAN GOT BEHIND ME"
Ep. # 2.21 [MLM-221 (5C21)]
Written by Darin Morgan
Directed by Darin Morgan
Edited by James Coblenz
[ Second Season ] [Complete Transcript]
U.S. Air Date: May 1, 1998
=====================================================================
TEASER:
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
CLOSE on a stone cherub on the edge of a lawn. It’s around
4:00 a.m. and all is quiet ... until a CAR approaches. The
DRIVER -– who is delivering the newspaper -– nails the
cherub in the head, knocking it off. As the car heads down
the street, we see that every toss is haphazard and lands
anywhere except the porch, i.e. a birdbath, a roof, a cat.
The last paper sets off a car alarm.
EXT. DONUT HOLE – NIGHT
An all-night doughnut shop. The newspaper guy gets out of
the car. He is an OLD MAN, ABUM. He approaches the
newspaper stand with a load of paper, puts in a coin and
opens the door. He grunts in disgust and inserts a slug
into the slot: it sticks so that the door won’t open, and
he makes an approving noise.
INT. DONUT HOLE
There are THREE ELDERLY MEN at a table. We follow Abum to
the counter where a YOUNG CLERK toils, and to whom Abum
quickly establishes that he is a crotchety, pain in the
ass.
ABUM
Hey, kid! Coffee and an apple fritter.
CLERK
I’m just brewing up a fresh pot, sir,
and the fritters need a few minutes to
cool.
ABUM
Kid, if I wanted your life story,
I would’ve read the book. Coffee and
an apple fritter. Now.
CLERK
(apologetically)
Sir, they’re not ready just yet.
I have some decaf brewed –-
ABUM
Why would I, or anybody else, in their
right minds drink decaf, huh?
(heads toward the table of men)
All right, tell me when it’s ready.
And make it snappy: some of us
actually work for a living.
When Abum is out of sight, the clerk grits his teeth in
frustration.
CLERK
(to himself)
Every morning, the same thing –-
bitter, old fart.
Glancing back, he picks up the coffeepot, brings it waist-
level and starts unzipping his fly.
CLERK (CONT’D)
He wants bitter, I’ll give him bitter ...
Abum seats himself at the table next to TOBY, a glum-
looking man; GREB, who is reading a paper, and BLURK, who
is munching on a longjohn.
ABUM
I tell you, whatever happened to “The
customer’s always right”?
BLURK
That went out with the automats.
GREB
(without looking up)
Yeah, you’re living in the past, Daddy-O.
ABUM
(to Toby)
What’s the matter with you? Something
wrong?
TOBY
Sort of. I have this –-
ABUM
(holding up his hands)
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn’t say
anything about sharing.
CLERK
Uh, sir? Your order’s ready.
When Abum reaches for the doughnut, we see that it is a
demon’s hand. REVEAL Abum’s true self: he is a demon.
Abum touches the fritter and flinches.
ABUM
Hey! This fritter isn’t cooled off
enough yet!
(adding for good measure)
Dammit.
He heads back to the table where we see that the old men
are really demons as well.
ABUM (CONT’D)
Hey, maybe I’m old-fashioned, but
I tell ya, things didn’t used to be
this way.
(sips his coffee and reacts)
Aaahhh!
GREB
Burn your tongue?
ABUM
No: that kid peed in my coffee!
Hee-hee!
All the demons begin cackling with delight.
ACT ONE:
INT. DONUT HOLE – NIGHT
GREB
Anyone care to make a little wager on
the big fight tonight?
ABUM
Does boxing still have that standing
eight-count rule?
GREB
Yeah.
ABUM
Might as well be watching a pillow fight.
The demons laugh.
BLURK
I lost all interest in the sweet
science when Kid McCoy retired from
the ring.
GREB
Ahh, the real McCoy.
TOBY
Who?
GREB
World Middleweight Champion. And
inventor of the infamous corkscrew
punch that would tear the flesh right
off the opponent.
BLURK
He was also convicted during one of
this century’s trial-of-the-century of
killing his married lover and shooting
three other people.
GREB
I still love that line in his suicide
note: “I can’t endure this world’s
madness anymore.”
BLURK
A fighter and a philosopher. But
that’s what exactly missing from this
bland day and age. Personalities;
characters; individuals with an
inspirational flair! For example,
awhile back, I was wandering on an old
country highway ...
EXT. OLD COUNTRY HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Blurk, in human form, is hitchhiking. Several cars drive
by, until a van stops and he gets in. During his tale (and
the others, as well), we go back and forth between past and
present.
BLURK (CONT’D)
(voice-over)
I was sort of looking for –- I don’t
know, a new sort of titillation. All
I found was the same old thing ...
INT. VAN
PERRY, a young man in his late twenties, addresses Blurk
kindly.
PERRY
What the hell are you doing out here
on your lonesome, old timer?
BLURK
Waiting for a ride.
PERRY
You been waiting long?
BLURK
So many cars passed by, I lost count.
PERRY
Yeah, people are reluctant to pick up
hitchhikers these days.
BLURK
In ancient times, the Greeks had to
help vagabonds because they didn’t
know if they were gods in disguise.
I guess nowadays, it’s safer to assume
that each stranger is the devil.
PERRY
Could be a serial killer. Or worse.
BLURK
So how’d you know I’m not?
PERRY
(amused)
Huh! You didn’t strike me as a serial
killer type, Pops.
BLURK
You’re an expert on serial killers,
are you?
PERRY
Oh, no, I’m not an expert or anything,
but I actually do spend a lot of my
spare time reading true crime books.
INT. DONUT HOLE
The other demons nod and say “Ah!” and repeat “True crime!”
BLURK
Exactly! You see where this story is
headed. As it turned out, the kid not
only had an interest in serial
killers, he once made contact with
one.
INT. VAN
We see a little red devil statuette mounted on the
dashboard. Perry taps it so that the head jingles.
PERRY
(reverently)
This was made in prison by Johnnie
Mack Potter: the most prolific
murderer in America. He was convicted
of killing 36 people.
BLURK
How’d you get a hold of that?
PERRY
Well, Johnnie Mack Potter used to be
the janitor and mascot of my old
school, the Roosevelt High Red Devils.
He was caught the year before
I attended, so I never met him. Every
day I walked down those hallways, and
I couldn’t help think to myself: “Wow!
A serial killer once cleaned these.”
BLURK
“Wow!” is right!
PERRY
So I wrote to him in prison and he
sent me this devil doohickey. But
here I am, probably boring you with
this killer-talk.
Blurk reaches into his pocket and shows Perry a picture of
a man (who looks like a murderous John Waters) standing in
a football field in a devil uniform.
PERRY (CONT’D)
Hey, that’s Johnnie Mack Potter in his
old mascot uniform! How’d you get
that?
BLURK
I’m a murder memorabilia collector
myself.
PERRY
(relieved)
You know, it’s kind of neat to talk to
another person about this and not feel
like some kind of sicko.
BLURK
Tell me, Perry, why do you think you
possess this morbid fascination with
serial killers?
PERRY
Well, to be honest, I don’t know.
BLURK
You don’t think it has anything to do
with the fact that you, yourself,
possess so many of these
characteristics of the prototypical
serial killer?
PERRY
(shocked)
What?
BLURK
White male in his 20s; the abused
product of a broken home who spent his
youth setting fires and/or torturing
animals; an early addiction to drugs
and/or alcohol.
Perry gulps nervously at this assessment.
BLURK (CONT’D)
Inability to hold a steady job or
relationship with women. (voice rising)Spending all your free time thinking
about turning your masochistic/
mutilation/sex fantasies into reality!
To say nothing of the fact that you
drive a van, and keep a roll of duct
tape in your glove compartment!
Blurk opens the glove box and produces the duct tape
triumphantly. Perry is shocked.
PERRY
How the hell did –- ? What are you
trying to tell me?
BLURK
Play the hand you’ve been dealt.
INT. DONUT HOLE
GREB
Good Lord, don’t tell me that’s all it
took?
BLURK
You know, we were so envious when man
was given free will. But what does
has it brought them? The belief that
their lives are determined by anything
other than their own free will.
ABUM
And the right to vote.
TOBY
Wait a minute, I’m confused. You mean
the man became a serial killer
because ...
BLURK
Yes: just because.
EXT. HIGHWAY ROAD – NIGHT
The van is pulled over to the side of the road. Perry is
on his knees, throwing up next to a dead prostitute. Blurk
sits on the bumper of the van, looking on approvingly.
BLURK (CONT’D)
(voice-over)
His first victim was a prostitute.
This was to be expected. I was a
little concerned because his initial
reaction was a tad oversensitive.
(to Perry)
Don’t worry, kid: it’s just like your
first beer. You not only get used to
it, but life doesn’t seem as good
without it.
Perry, still trying to catch his breath, looks up at Blurk.
PERRY
I want to become the most prolific
serial killer in the history of this
country.
INT. DONUT HOLE
BLURK
He didn’t want to be the most
colorful, or the most weird: he just
wanted to break Johnnie Mack Potter’s
record, to be number one.
ABUM
Quantity, not quality.
BLURK
His “originality” began and ended with
prostitutes. He killed another one
that very night. Every night, it was
prostitute after prostitute.
GREB
Ehh, been there, done that.
BLURK
One night, he managed to inject some
irony into his blandness: I talked him
into attacking some self-proclaimed
devil worshipper.
INT. PERRY’S VAN – NIGHT
Perry is struggling to secure the devil worshipper, dressed
totally in black, replete with black lipstick and white
pancake makeup. Blurk is the passenger seat, smiling.
DEVIL WORSHIPER
Satan! Satan, save me, please!
INT. DONUT HOLE
BLURK
(quoting the victim)
“Save me, save me!”
The demons cackle.
ABUM
I’ll betcha there was no divine
intervention, huh?
BLURK
Unfortunately, the next night, it was
right back to prostitutes.
The demons moan in disappointment.
BLURK (CONT’D)
So cliched was this guy that he’d
return to the crime scene. That’s
what killers supposedly do.
INT. PERRY’S VAN – NIGHT
Perry is driving toward the crime scene. The police have
cordoned off the area.
PERRY
Looks like they found Victim #36. One
more, and I top Johnnie Mack Potter’s
record: then I become the serial
killing champ!
BLURK
(drolly)
Maybe you should get T-shirts printed up.
We see FRANK BLACK among the investigators. He looks up as
the van approaches, and sees Blurk as a demon. Frank
stares at Blurk as the van drives by.
INT. DONUT HOLE
TOBY
(suddenly interested)
Wait a minute. What does this guy
look like?
BLURK
I know how terrible this is gonna
sound, but they all pretty much look
the same to me. But I swear to God,
the man acted like he had caught
a glimpse of my true essence!
ABUM
Impossible! It’s not in their nature!
BLURK
All right, so my story’s a little out
there. Go with it. In any case,
having seen this weird guy, and being
so bored with my killer, I figured
enough was enough.
INT. VAN
Blurk picks up the red devil doohickey off the dashboard
and drops it onto the highway. We see Frank approach and
pick it up.
BLURK (CONT’D)
(voice-over)
After they got the fingerprints off of
it, it didn’t take them long.
EXT. VAN – NIGHT
The back of the van doors are thrown open by the police,
where Perry is asleep.
POLICE
Freeze! Hold it right there!
They cuff him. Perry struggles all the while.
PERRY
Mr. Blurk! Mr. Blurk!
INT. DONUT HOLE
BLURK
Of course, I was nowhere to be found.
Later, he told the police that I was
the one responsible for the murders!
ABUM
They’re always blaming others.
BLURK
But the criminal psychologist deduced
that the elderly hitchhiker didn’t
actually exist. I was merely one
segment of the killer’s split
personality.
The demons cackle.
BLURK (CONT’D)
So after some time had passed, I sent
my killer companion a friendly, little
note of advice.
INT. JAIL CELL – DAY
Perry is reading Blurk’s letter: “Nothing to do now but
hang yourself with your own underwear.”
TOBY
(voice-over)
And did he do it?
BLURK
(voice-over)
He gave it the old college try.
In the next scene, we see Perry with the underwear around
his neck: he has strung up it to the top bunk in an attempt
to kill himself. But the bunk isn’t tall enough (and he
isn’t short enough), so he ends up comically bungeeing with
his elastic underwear, his knees touching the ground.
BLURK (CONT’D)
Too bad he had never gone to college.
TOBY
(voice-over)
But then it wasn’t all for nothing,
was it? He didn’t achieve total
closure.
BLURK
(voice-over)
Well, sometimes you have to sacrifice
self-satisfaction for poetic justice.
Giving up, Perry, with the underwear still around his neck,
lays back in his bunk. Something catches his eyes, and he
looks at his feet: the red devil doohickey is sitting on
bars. Suddenly, a MAN yanks on the underwear around
Perry’s neck and begins strangling him. Perry’s cellmate
is JOHNNIE MACK POTTER.
BLURK (CONT’D)
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why
Johnnie Mack Potter remains the
reigning, and still undisputed,
serial-killing champion.
ACT TWO:
INT. DONUT HOLE – NIGHT
Abum puts a quarter in a pay phone and dials a number.
ABUM
Hello? Is this the Helm residence?
MR. HELM
(drowsily)
Yes, it is.
ABUM
May I please speak with Mr. Helm?
MR. HELM
This is him. What is it? What’s the
matter?
ABUM
(launching into a
cheesy telemarketer’s spiel)
Nothing’s the matter, sir, unless you
like being overcharged by your long-
distance phone company! May I ask
which current service you use?
MR. HELM
What? What time is it?
ABUM
It’s time to start saving over 30-
cents on your long-distance calls!
Now, if you sign up with us --
We HEAR a dial tone. Abum laughs triumphantly and heads
back to the table.
GREB
Now I don’t like working with serial
killers myself: if they get caught,
they end up on death row, which is the
only place where humans can still find
God.
ABUM
The trouble with serial killers is
they’re too evil.
BLURK
Well, hey, if you’re afraid of them ...
BUM
That’s not what I meant and you know it.
TOBY
What did you mean?
ABUM
The evil is too conspicuous. When
people hear about some psycho killer,
and it leads them to thinking about
the nature of evil. That leads to
thoughts about right or wrong -– good
or bad.
GREB
All that thinking can get ugly.
ABUM
Yeah! You don’t want to consider a
crack like that. You just want them
to go through their routine of living
their lives.
BLURK
What do you do to get their souls?
ABUM
I don’t do squat anymore. They do it
all for ya.
TOBY
I’m not sure I’m following.
ABUM
Mankind has progressed to a point in
their dim-witted history where life
has been drained of all of its
enchantment. All you got to do is sit
back and enjoy.
INT. BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING
A middle-aged, heavy-set MAN, BROCK, is in bed. We hear an
alarm buzzing loudly. He hits the snooze button and stops
the buzzer. He gets up as if rise but then lies back down
at the foot of the bed. The alarm buzzes again and he
stops it with a foot. He sits up, but falls back again.
The alarm buzzes and he lays his foot on the buzzer and
leaves it there.
ABUM (CONT’D)
(voice-over)
I mean, I ask you: what evil genius
invented the alarm clock? No other
creature but man could concoct a
device that interrupts, on a daily
basis, their only state of natural
happiness. No doubt, the evil genius’
evil twin contributed the snooze
button.
Next scene, we see Brock in obvious pain, working out with
some horrible exercise contraption.
BROCK
No more.
(grunting)
I beg you.
ABUM
(voice-over)
The other human instruments of
torture, the rack, the Iron Maiden,
are no match for their modern version.
Used in a regiment of self-inflicted
suffering, all in the name of vanity
and rock-hard abs.
In the bathroom, Brock is shaving with a razor. With each
pull, he says: “Ow!”
ABUM (CONT’D)
Their efforts to distance themselves
from their animal natures, only show
what dumb beasts they are.
Back in the bedroom, Brock is now dressed and proceeding to
knot his tie.
ABUM (CONT’D)
Not only required to cover their God-
given bodies, they also tie a
superfluous, constricting piece of
cloth around their necks. For no
reason whatsoever!
Brock stops and stares at his reflection: he has knotted
the tie incorrectly.
INT. DONUT HOLE
BLURK
I fail to see how any of this leads
to eternal damnation!
ABUM
Well, that’s the beauty of it! They
fail to see it, too, because they
think they’re living a so-called
“normal” life. And you guys have no
idea of the torments they put
themselves through for the sake of
such a life.
EXT. GAS STATION – NIGHT
Brock is manning a claustrophobic booth, slowly banging his
head on the window.
ABUM (CONT’D)
(voice-over)
They’ll spend a third of every day in
a place that they can’t stand, doing
stuff they don’t wanna do! All in the
name of earning a living. I’ve seen
places in punishments in Hell less
severe.
INT. LAUNDROMAT – DAY
In a dreary, steamy environment, Brock stares dully at his
load of laundry spinning in a washing machine.
ABUM (CONT’D)
(voice-over)
When not at work, they spend in
servitude, performing menial chores,
which could be called “life-
affirming”. As a wise devil once
said: “All roads through Hell lead
through coin-operated Laundromats.”
INT. DONUT HOLE
BLURK
You seem to be forgetting one little
thing in this method of yours: sin!
ABUM
I choose to forget it. Because humans
have, as well.
The others grumble.
ABUM (CONT’D)
I don’t mean humans have stopped
committing sins. Just the opposite.
INT. STRIP JOINT – NIGHT
A female stripper is on stage and begins heading down the
end of the runway where Brock is sitting. He looks
incredibly bored, having sat through these shows so often,
he has become jaded.
ABUM (CONT’D)
(voice-over)
They sin so often, it’s just become
another part of their routine. And
whatever passion first compelled them
to commit such acts, has long since
passed away.
BROCK
(in monotone)
Yeah, baby. Go. Do it, baby. Take
it off.
(holds his head in one hand)
Take it all off. Do it.
ABUM
(voice-over)
Even their less-guilty pleasures are
less than pleasures.
INT. BROCK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Brock is in bed, flipping through a dozen TV stations.
Finding nothing of interest on, he turns on the alarm
clock, switches off the light and goes to bed.
INT. DONUT HOLE
BLURK
Umm ... am I missing something?
GREB
Having them fall asleep is not quite
the same as them fall in the fiery
pits of hell.
TOBY
How can you expect to ruin them if you
don’t interact with him?
ABUM
Oh, I interact with them, but nothing
too evil -– minor irritations are all
you need.
EXT. STREET CURB – DAY
Brock is getting ready to put some coins in the meter when
he notices a street sign, and cranes his head to read all
the warnings posted on it.
ABUM (CONT’D)
(voice-over)
And I find the best irritations
utilize man-made laws.
Starting at the top, the signs read: “Permit Parking Only –
Except On Tues.”; “½ hour Parking Only – NO Parking 3 p.m.
to 7 p.m. – Except No Parking 10 a.m. to 11 a.m.”; “Tues. –
One Hour Parking”. Abum, in human form, dressed in a meter
man’s outfit, gets out of his patrol car and places a
ticket on Brock’s windshield.
BROCK
Hey, I just parked there.
ABUM
Ahh, tell it to the judge.
Behind Brock is Frank, who removes a ticket from his red
Jeep Cherokee, and approaches Abum.
FRANK
Hey, what’s with this ticket? The
meter hasn’t even run out!
He stops short when he sees Abum as a demon.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Oh!
INT. DONUT HOLE
TOBY
Could this be the same guy who saw Blurk?
ABUM
He wasn’t reacting to my inner
essence –- all humans look horrified
when confronting an authority figure.
GREK
Hey, did this guy look depressed?
BLURK
Why?
GREK
I read an article about people using
this herb, St. John’s Wort, that’s
supposed to cure depression. Remember
back in the Middle Ages, when humans
were using this stuff to see devils?
ABUM
Ahh, old wives’ tales!
GREK
Ehh, still ... did this guy look like
he might be using this St. John’s
Wort?
BLURK
Greb, this guy looked like he needed a
vat of this stuff.
ABUM
It doesn’t matter what they take!
It’s not in their nature to see us.
GREK
What do you know about their natures?
You don’t even know how to damn them.
INT. BROCK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Like in the previous scene, Brock flips through the same TV
channels; then turns on his alarm, switches off the light
and goes to bed.
ABUM
(voice-over)
I just told you: You simply let them
go through the routine of living their
lives as they see fit. Until, they
realize that their lives aren’t fit to
live.
After a few moments in the darkness, Brock gets up and
turns on the light. He climbs out of bed, opens the window
and jumps out. As we watch him fall, for the first time,
he has a happy and serene expression on his face.
ABUM (CONT’D)
And it never ceases to amuse me how
these idiots learn to appreciate the
glorious freedom of life just when
they’re taking it. And just before he
hit pay dirt ...
Brock finally looks down and screams in horror. We hear a
splat and the screen goes to black.
INT. DONUT HOLE
Greb picks up his éclair and licks the cream.
GREB
If you ask me, subtlety is for closet
homosexuals.
ABUM
What’s that crack supposed to mean?
GREB
I just find your laissez-faire style
to be as lame and tedious as the souls
you’re destroying. I mean, what’s the
point of being a devil if you’re not
having any fun?
BLURK
I’m afraid I’m familiar with your
methods, and I find them to be just as
crass and unpoetic.
GREB
Yeah, like an atom bomb. There’s
another plus with my technique: mass
damnation. I just did a job that
damaged millions of souls with one big
shh-bang!
TOBY
How could you manage that?
GREB
Simply by using the instruments that
Satan himself created for that very
purpose ...
INT. NETWORK CENSOR’S OFFICE – DAY
And is he ever. Resembling a really uptight David Byrne,
the CENSOR is on the phone, editing a script to hell.
CENSOR
“Crap”. On page seven of the draft,
the word “crap” is unacceptable.
(listening)
No, it is acceptable to use the word
“crap” only when referring to ...
(not wanting to say it)
... defecation.
(listening)
No, use of the word “defecation” is
not acceptable either. We suggest
that you do not use any word to
describe it, and simply cut the scene
completely.
(eyes widening)
Now, that word is completely
unacceptable!
(calming down)
Oh, you were just reacting, not
suggesting, I see.
(starts flipping)
Well, my next objection begins on page
eight ...
Greb begins narrating while the Censor furiously scratches
out dialogue, repeating “Unacceptable!”
GREB
(voice-over)
Now every network has a censor, a
guardian of moral rectitude, whose job
it is to ensure that the viewing
public is not corrupted by
unacceptable scenes of sex, or any
other miscellaneous scenes of
vulgarity.
CENSOR
No, it doesn’t matter that aliens from
out of space have no genitalia –- they
still have groins, and they shouldn’t
be kicked there. It is unacceptable,
revise for cut!
INT. DONUT HOLE
ABUM
Sounds like one crappy job.
GREB
You can imagine the weight they must
bear; the burden of maintaining a
nation’s morality on their very
shoulders.
BLURK
What are you talking about? It’s just
TV!
GREB
Ahh, but you forget how humans regard
everything is a matter of life or
death. With that constant pressure,
making them crack is a snap!
INT. NETWORK CENSOR’S OFFICE
CENSOR
Unacceptable. If you are going to show a pile of dung, it must be dried
dung, not moist.
(listening)
Why? Because I am Broadcast Standards
and Practices and I bear the burden of
maintaining a nation’s morality on my
very shoulders!
The Censor hangs up and covers his face wearily. Suddenly,
we HEAR punk music playing loudly, and the Censor looks
around for its source. Greb, in the form of a devil (à la
the dancing baby from “Ally McBeal”), appears before him,
gyrating to the music. The Censor shakes his head slowly.
CENSOR (CONT’D)
Not ... acceptable.
INT. DONUT HOLE
The demons jeer him.
BLURK
Aw, kid’s stuff!
GREB
I tell ya, it’s very effective.
TOBY
It’s so scaled and outdated.
GREB
No, it’s very modern. You see, in the
old days, if you materialized in front
of them, they all knew what they were
seeing. It’s all evidence of a demon
trying to tempt a soul. But nowadays,
we assume it’s all internal -– the
psychological breakdown manifesting
itself in the form of a visual
hallucination.
ABUM
And you called me lame.
GREB
The effects are immediate. One quick
materialization, and they’re convinced
they’re bonkers.
TOBY
But then what?
GREB
And then ... they go bonkers.
The others nod, finally getting it.
EXT. STREET CURB – DAY
GREB
(voice-over)
I always enjoy seeing how madness
manifests itself.
The Censor is getting out change for the meter when he
notices the street sign next to it. This time it reads:
“Testicles by Permit Only”; Moist Dung Will Be Towed”;
“Penis Jokes Prohibited”; “Display of Butt Crack Not
Allowed”; “Use of the Word Crap Unacceptable”. The Censor
drops his change, shaking his head, and walks off to:
INT. LAUNDROMAT
The Censor is loading his washing machine when he notices a
WOMAN next to him. As she loads her clothing, the Censor
begins shaking his head. He picks up her underwear and
starts censoring what should go into the washing machine or
not.
CENSOR
No, this is unacceptable.
(holding something lacy
and tossing it aside)
This is ... unacceptable.
(holding up black undies)
This is ... total perversion.
GREB
(voice-over)
His insanity threw him directly into
the belly of the beast.
INT. STRIP JOINT – NIGHT
The same stripper comes charging down the end of the runway
to where the Censor is sitting. She performs directly to
him, much to his consternation.
CENSOR
(shaking his head)
Oh, um, no, we’re on the border here.
Unacceptable zone.
He gets up on the runway and tries to block the stripper
from everyone’s view.
CENSOR (CONT’D)
No, this is unacceptable! I am
Broadcast Standards and Practices and
this is not acceptable! Revise and
cut!
A very large BOUNCER approaches the censor menacingly. The
Censor grabs the pole for dear life while the bouncer
wrenches him away. The patrons cheer.
CENSOR (CONT’D)
No touching or excessive use of
violence! No excessive use of
violence!
INT. NETWORK CENSOR’S OFFICE – DAY
The Censor is on the phone, feverishly editing the same
script.
CENSOR
You will not get away with this! The
final scene is gratuitously violent!
Aliens would not carry an Uzi! They
are a superior race and they would not
carry or utilize automatic weapons!
I will not approve this! I am
Broadcast Standards and Practices!
He bangs the phone down. We HEAR the punk music starting
up again and sees Greb dancing. He stares helplessly.
CENSOR (CONT’D)
What ... do you want from me?
GREB
Enough words: time for action. You
bear the burden of carrying the
nations morality on your shoulders.
CENSOR
You mean –- ?
GREB
Yes! Kill them all!
CENSOR
(repeating Greb)
Enough words: time for action!
The Censor opens a drawer and brings out a gun.
GREB
Yes! Now shut up and dance!
The Censor and Greb dance.
GREB (CONT’D)
(voice-over)
See, their grasp on sanity, and thus
their souls are precarious at best.
BLURK
(voice-over)
I should say so.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE
We HEAR pseudo “X-Files” theme music playing and see a
PSEUDO MULDER and SCULLY performing an alien autopsy. TWO
GRAY ALIENS burst in with Uzis.
DIRECTOR
(off-screen)
Camera, move.
We pull back to REVEAL a working film crew. The Censor
bursts into the set and waves his gun in the air.
CENSOR
I am Broadcast Standards and Practices
and this is not acceptable!
He shoots twice and kills the 1st ALIEN, who collapses.
CENSOR (CONT’D)
No excessive use of blood!
The 2nd ALIEN shoots his Uzi at the Censor and is shot dead
also. Everyone on the set hits the deck and is cowering on
the ground.
CENSOR (CONT’D)
This is all unacceptable! I am
Broadcast Standards and Practices!
EVERYTHING IS UNACCEPTABLE!
The Censor finally stops, his sanity returning. He looks
at the dead alien actors, then to the frightened film crew,
and realizes what he has done. He turns to the film crew
and points at the camera. He addresses the cameraman
softly:
CENSOR (CONT’D)
Is that camera still rolling?
The cameraman responds by lifting the camera flap up and
down in a “Yes” fashion. The Censor puts the gun to his
chest and fires, killing himself. The A.D. cautiously
approaches the Censor’s body; he doesn’t find a pulse. He
calls the end of the scene.
A.D.
60. Take 3. Tail slate.
INT. DONUT HOLE
GREB
That’s when I saw that guy.
BLURK
What guy?
INT. SOUNDSTAGE
GREB
(voice-over)
That depressed-looking guy that saw
you and Abum. He was at the
aftermath of the alien massacre.
Frank is examining the crime scene. We HEAR the punk music
from before. Frank looks up, hearing it too, and turns to
see if the others notice. He sees Greb dancing to the
music until Greb spots Frank and runs away.
INT. DONUT HOLE
GREB (CONT’D)
But I don’t know how he saw me.
I wasn’t like I was trying to appear
as a hallucination.
ABUM
Now you’re losing your grasp on sanity.
BLURK
Hey, hold on, not so fast. You
boasted that you ended up damning
millions of others. How do you
figure?
GREB
Just take my word for it. Not every
network has such strict Broadcast
Standards and Practices.
Fade to a TV screen: We see grainy videotape scenes of the
censor killing the two alien actors and hear an announcer:
“These extraterrestrial visitors need to phone home ... and
911!” Then superimposed in a psuedo Fox-Show-of-the-Week:
“When Humans Attack!”
ACT THREE:
INT. DONUT HOLE
TOBY
(glumly)
He knows what we are –- the man that
you’ve all seen who seems to see us
all so clearly. I’ve seen him, too.
ABUM
I’m telling you it’s an impossibility.
TOBY
He told me himself.
BLURK
What? When did this happen?
TOBY
The other day. But I’d rather not
talk about it.
GREB
You can’t not tell us. What happened?
TOBY
You wouldn’t understand –- it’s personal.
ABUM
How the hell can it be personal?!
TOBY
The details ... so tawdry and sordid.
BLURK
Now I must insist you tell us!
INT. STRIP JOINT – NIGHT
Toby, in human form, is enjoying the runway show. Across
from him is a YOUNG MAN who probably turned eighteen that
very day.
TOBY
(voice-over)
I was at a strip joint. It was a
quiet night, and I was just biding my
time looking out for the next damnable
soul. It was obviously his first time
at such a place, and I always get such
a kick out of seeing them with their
first taste of forbidden fruit.
The young man sees Toby and freezes, recognition in his
features.
GREB
(voice-over)
But this yokel doesn’t sound anything
like the man we saw.
BLURK
(voice-over)
Is everybody starting to see our true
essence?
TOBY
(voice-over)
No, this kid didn’t see my true
essence. Hell, he didn’t even see me.
He saw himself -– his potential
future.
The boy runs out of the club.
INT. DONUT HOLE
TOBY
It literally scared the bejeezus out
of him.
The demons laugh.
TOBY (CONT’D)
Sure, yuck it up. It’s really funny
when it ain’t happening to you. But
this is just another reminder that ...
I’m losing my touch.
They chide him.
TOBY (CONT’D)
No, it’s true. It’s been so long
since I’ve tempted a soul. Now here
I am, scared, all wide-eyed and
innocent ... In any case, I was
feeling very vulnerable at that
particular moment.
INT. STRIP JOINT – NIGHT
A stripper named SALLY, attractive but past her prime,
approaches Toby.
SALLY
Don’t be so glum, handsome. You look
like you could use a personal fantasy
dance.
TOBY
How much are they?
SALLY
Twenty bucks a dance.
TOBY
How much for an eternity’s worth?
SALLY
Well, that would be an extra twenty
with a sideways eight next to it.
In the next scene, the pair have moved off to a more
secluded area of the club. Sally begins her lap dance.
TOBY
What’s your name?
SALLY
Chantilly. What’s yours?
TOBY
Engelbert.
She chuckles.
TOBY (CONT’D)
What’s your real name?
Her humor disappears, thrown off for a moment.
SALLY
Sally. What’s yours?
TOBY
Toby.
We see Sally’s midriff: a red devil is tattooed on her
stomach.
TOBY (CONT’D)
How long have you had the tattoo?
SALLY
I got it when I first starting
stripping.
(proudly)
You should’ve seen me back then: I was
a quite the hellraiser.
TOBY
I’ll bet you were.
SALLY
(wistfully)
I was gonna sow my wild oats right
away, settle down, get pregnant, and
watch my little devil grow big.
(then, coming back)
I guess that’s not going to happen now.
TOBY
Stranger things have happened.
SALLY
Of course, nowadays, girls have
tattoos all over their bodies –- nose,
pierced tongues, who knows what all.
I guess I’m just old-fashioned.
TOBY
Times change easier than people.
SALLY
Tell you the truth, I should’ve quit
dancing years ago. But, I have no
other skills.
TOBY
Now you’re singing my song.
SALLY
Why? What do you do for a living?
TOBY
I guess this. I used to be so good at
it; now, I stink. I don’t know what
happened or where it went. It’s gone.
SALLY
All good things must come to an end,
huh?
TOBY
Life’s funny that way.
SALLY
Funny’s a funny word for it.
Something in Sally’s expression softens, and she embraces
Toby. He doesn’t know how to react for a moment; then
moves to hold her. She draws back reflexively.
SALLY (CONT’D)
You have to keep your hands to your
sides.
TOBY
I know, I’m sorry.
INT. DONUT HOLE
GREB
Those places are really strict about
those rules, aren’t they?
TOBY
(ignoring him)
We were like two lost souls who, by
finding each other, you find the
answers to one of life’s greatest
mysteries. And the secret to having
lots and lots of great sex.
The other demons trade looks, not knowing what to make of
Toby’s story.
TOBY (CONT’D)
After that night, we were inseparable.
Being apart was ... painful.
BLURK
(coy)
But what did you two do together?
TOBY
You don’t understand. We didn’t do
anything together. Some nights we
just stayed together and watched TV.
INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Toby and a pregnant Sally are lying in bed, spooned
together, watching TV.
SALLY
Boy, the show really stinks.
TOBY
You said it.
(voice-over)
It was heaven. Even the times we had
to venture out into the world ...
INT. LAUNDROMAT – DAY
The Laundromat looks brighter and cheerier than before.
Toby and Sally are dancing cheek to cheek, moving to a
melody only they can hear.
TOBY
(continuing)
... Her presence made the mundane seem
magnificent.
INT. DONUT HOLE
ABUM
Toby, I don’t know where this story is
headed, but it’s really starting to
give me the creeps.
TOBY
One night, she saw my true essence.
GREB
Another one?
BLURK
The world’s gone mad!
INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
We hear a toilet flush. Sally comes out of the bathroom
and sees Toby in bed in his true form. She blinks once,
her expression calm. She gets back into bed and draws him
close to her.
TOBY
(voice-over)
One night, she had gotten up to use
the bathroom. She saw me for all I’m
worth, in all my naked devilry. You
see, she forgave me my faults. One
night shortly after that, we happened
to wander into here.
INT. DONUT HOLE
BLURK
You brought her here?
TOBY
Yeah, it’s a public place.
BLURK
I mean, some places, a woman don’t belong!
TOBY
(waving him off)
We sat at this very table. I said to
her: “Sally, there’s something I’ve
wanted to ask her for quite a while
now.”
In the flashback, Sally smiles nervously, thinking that
Toby is going to pop the question.
SALLY
What is it, Toby?
TOBY
(nervously)
Would you m –- , would you -- mind if
we didn’t see each other anymore? I’m
really tired of you; in fact, you make
me sick, you fat, old cow.
Sally’s face falls, not expecting this at all.
TOBY (CONT’D)
(voice-over)
I could’ve delivered my lines better,
I know, I was a bit rusty ... but they
were effective. She ran out of here
heartbroken. Now in the old days,
I wouldn’t have checked on my results,
but I wasn’t sure of myself. So when
enough time had passed, I went to her
apartment, and the police had just
gotten there.
INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
POLICE are all over the apartment. In the bathtub, we see
that Sally has slit her wrists and bled to death. Toby
sits on the toilet and covers his face, crying.
TOBY (CONT’D)
(voice-over)
I’m a little ashamed to admit that
I was worried. How I might feel
sympathy for this being. And seeing
her like that reminded me what
ridiculous creatures they are -– to
destroy themselves over something so
fleeting as emotional attachments and
biological needs. I was overcome with
relief. Plus, it had been so long
since I had notched a soul.
GREB
(voice-over)
You see? You still got it!
BLURK
(voice-over)
Just like riding a bike!
TOBY
(voice-over)
But that’s when I saw him.
We see Frank in the doorway. He stops and stares hard at
Toby, then approaches him.
TOBY (CONT’D)
I don’t who he was or what he was
doing there, but there he was, just
him.
FRANK
(unsympathetic)
You must be so lonely.
INT. DONUT HOLE
BLURK
There! He merely mistook you as a
lonely boyfriend.
GREB
He thought your relieved sobbing was
hysterical sobbing.
ABUM
Yeah, I told you: this man has no idea
what we truly are.
TOBY
(sadly, repeating Frank)
“You must be so lonely.”
The demons look down, knowing the truth in that sentence.
The clerk comes out of the kitchen with a platter of fresh
fritters; using a pair of tongs, he places them in the
display case. Toby wearily gets up -– without saying
anything, he trudges toward the door. When he is outside,
we see him as a human again. Blurk and Grek follow in the
same manner. Abum is the last to leave. Just before
opening the door, he turns to the clerk, allowing himself
to be seen as a demon.
ABUM
(cheerily)
Hey, kid. Great cup of coffee. Keep
up the good work.
Abum cackles and leaves as a human. The young clerk is
frozen in disbelief and drops the last fritter with a
splat.
END.
=====================================================================
Ten Thirteen Productions
in association with
20th Century Fox Television (R)
A News Corporation Company
Co-starring
Richard Bakalyan (Abum)
Wally Dalton (Toby)
Stephen Holmes (Perry)
Gabrielle Rose (The Aging Stripper)
Dan Zukovic (Waylon)
Bill Macy (Blurk)
Alex Diakun (Greb)
Copyright (c) 1998
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
All Rights Reserved #5C21
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation is the author of this motion
picture for purposes of copyright and other laws.
The characters and names depicted in this photoplay are fictitious. Any
similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Ownership of this motion picture is protected by copyright and other
applicable laws, and any unauthorized duplication, distribution or
exhibition of this motion picture could result in criminal prosecution
as well as civil liability.
========================================================
Millennium
Copyright and TM, 1998
FOX Broadcasting Company
========================================================
Last Updated: May 08, 2003
Webmaster: Brian A. Dixon