M I L L E N N I U M

"JOSE CHUNG’S DOOMSDAY DEFENSE"

Ep. # 2.09  [MLM-209  (5C09)]

Written by Darin Morgan
Directed by Darin Morgan
Edited by James Coblentz

[ Second Season ]  [Complete Transcript]

U.S. Air Date: November 21, 1997 

=====================================================================

TEASER:

The Teaser is narrated by JOSE CHUNG, and illustrated with 
a series of still photographs.

1st Photograph: An Indian couple holding an infant child.  
With a beard.

	JOSE (V.O.)
Once upon a time, two East Indian 
immigrants gave birth to a baby boy, 
whom they loved very dearly.  Yet, 
nevertheless, named "Juggernaut Onan 
Goopta".  Other than the name, and, 
uh, the beard, he was a normal boy, 
who suffered all the usual 
humiliations of a normal childhood.

2nd Photograph: Goopta's high school yearbook.  With a 
beard.  While the other students have captions and witty 
remarks under their photos, his is blank underneath except 
for "Goopy".

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Upon graduating high school, he went 
off to college with a dream of someday 
becoming a famous neuroscientist.  His 
goal was to be the first to comprehend 
how the biology of the brain gives 
birth to the greatest mystery of life: 
self-consciousness.

3rd Photograph: Goopta (wearing a surgical mask to hide the 
beard) holding a model brain in class.

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Unfortunately, his own brain could not 
comprehend basic biology.  He quickly 
switched majors to philosophy; but 
alas, while reading Kirkegaard's 
"Sickness Unto Death", he became sick 
and nearly died.

4th Photograph: Exterior of "Spotnitz Sanitarium"; then of 
Goopta in a hospital bed with a typewriter on his lap.

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
During recovery -- though obviously 
still suffering from dementia -- he 
set forth on a new dream: to become a 
writer.  And his first forays into 
detective fiction proved so inept, 
they were mistaken for brilliant 
parodies; and finding immediate 
publication in the highbrow literary 
journal, "The Dark Mask."

5th Photograph: A ridiculously-drawn cover of said magazine; 
then of Goopta among a group of men, one of whom is a young 
Jose Chung.

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Alongside the work of a talented group 
of young writers, one of whom would go 
onto become the leading, literary 
light of his generation, composing 
profound stories in a style that made 
Proust seem pallid.

6th Photograph: A middle-aged Jose Chung in retrospect.

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
	(excitedly)
His loveable flamboyancy made him not 
only a literary icon, but a cultural 
one as well!

7th Photograph: Jose Chung posing with Neil Simon.

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Why, he even made a cameo appearance 
in an award-winning film at Cannes.

We see footage from the 1969 TV show, "H.R. Pufnstuf".  
Jose is in a bizarre green mask (playing the character 
Hoodoo).  He hops on a round alien scooter/aircraft, 
announcing maniacally: "Nobody ever comes out of there 
alive!  Ahahahaa!"

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
	(chuckling)
But we're here to focus on Goopta.  
After the demise of the magazine, 
Goopta could not sell his work, and he 
became destitute and suicidal.

8th Photograph: Goopta is working on a typewriter mounted on 
the back of the toilet.

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Out of pure desperation, he managed -- 
in a single, feverish night -- to 
crank out a book that changed the 
course of human history: "How to Be 
Happy, Even When You Shouldn't."  It 
was quickly followed by the 
bestsellers, "How to Manipulate People 
by Your Apparent Friendliness", and 
"How to Overcome Your Fears by Making 
Others Fear You".

9th Photograph: Covers of the aforementioned self-help 
books.  Then a final one entitled "Selfosophy" that is 
modeled after "Dianetics" by L. Ron Hubbard.

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And upon the release of his 
masterpiece, Goopta hit the lecture 
hall circuit, always preaching to 
standing room only, for he shrewdly 
refrained from providing chairs.

10th Photograph: Goopta at a podium, followed by a series of 
stills of Goopta gesticulating wildly.

	GOOPTA (V.O.)
	(Indian-accented English)
Every painful moment of your life, 
casts a shadow across your mirror 
biology.  Until you exterminate these 
dark memories, you will remain in a 
negative groove.  Thus, those who 
cannot forget their past, are 
condemned to repeat it."

11th Photograph: The same sanitarium, except with a sign 
that says "Institute of Selfosophy"; then of students in 
white lab coats wearing strange devices on their heads.

	JOSE (V.O.)
Goopta then opened an institute to 
help teach people how to become more 
self-helpful.  Patients -- who were 
called "doctors", since the        
term "patient" was unhealthy 
associations  -- learned how to shed 
the darkness of their minds by 
mastering therapies taught by the 
institute's staff, which to inspire a 
sense of spiritual, empirical, 
transmigrational, is modeled after the 
U.S. Postal Service.  The institute 
proved to so popular, Selfosophy 
branched out, and institutes popped up 
throughout the nation.  Then Goopta 
announced a new evolution to 
Selfosophy:

12th Photograph: Goopta in a safari outfit behind a backdrop 
of billowing clouds.

	GOOPTA (V.O.)
After wiping away its mind of 
darkness, the self must then wipe away 
the eternal soul.  And since our souls 
have existed for thousands of years 
before the advent of Selfosophy, we 
all have a great deal of wiping to do.

	JOSE (V.O.)
The tax-exempt belief system, also 
involved its own theology.  But       
I can't tell you what it is -- it's a 
secret.  When learning the theologies, 
Selfosophists must undergo a sworn 
blood oath ritual, which is also a 
secret.

13th Photograph: An aged drawing that depicts demons in a 
meeting.

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
So this artist's depiction is purely 
speculative, and surely way over the 
top; in fact, forget you even saw it.

14th Photograph: A newspaper with the headline, "Selfosophy: 
Religion or Rip-Off?"

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
In any case, all the secrecy and 
profits drew criticism from some 
quarters, but these critics were 
quickly silenced.

15th Photograph: The same newspaper with the new headline, 
"Selfosophy: An Uncoerced Retraction".

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Either by libel suits, or what 
Selfosophists call "Knock, Knock, 
Zoom, Zoom" affirmations.  There were 
even some internal criticisms: if a 
member continues his complaint, he is 
deemed a "Ratfinkovich", and is 
excommunicated from Selfosophy.

16th Photograph: An aging Goopta, with a backdrop of the 
universe behind him.

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
In 1979, Onan Goopta molted his 
earthly encumbrance to pursue his 
Selfosophical research in another 
dimension -- that means he died of 
prostate cancer -- but the institution 
he left behind has never been so 
popular, as we head into the next 
millennium.  A happy, upbeat ending if 
ever there was one.  That is, it    
was ...


INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT - DAY

JOSE CHUNG is seated at a table writing on a tablet, 
interviewing a young man, JOSEPH P. RATFINKOVICH, who is 
speaking animatedly.  He has the earnest and hopelessly 
converted look of a religious nut.

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
... Until I reentered the story.  And 
it's about time!  You see, while 
conducting this research, I was 
contacted by a recent Ratfinkovich, 
who, in one of those coincidences 
found only in real life and great 
fiction, actually was named 
Ratfinkovich: Joseph P. Ratfinkovich.  
And he promised to reveal to me the 
never-before, disclosed secret behind 
Selfosophy ...

	RATFINKOVICH
	(pausing dramatically)
Goopta ... is God.

	JOSE
That's it?  To find out the ultimate 
revelation of Selfosophy is that "It's 
God!" -- a guy who invented the damned 
thing -- is not really much of a 
"Wow", is it?

	RATFINKOVICH
Actually, the "Wow" can lead you to 
near-spiritual happiness -- away from 
despair, depression ...
	(with upturned nose)
	And even flippancy.

	JOSE
Please, I assure you that I regard 
this subject with the utmost respect 
and seriousness.
	(solemnly)
	You have my word as a writer.

We see Jose jot down, "Nutball".

	RATFINKOVICH
	(brightening)
That's why I chose you to confess to.  
You see, besides Onan Goopta, of 
course, you're my favorite writer.

	JOSE
	(seemingly flattered)
	Oh?

Jose adds a question mark to "Nutball?"

	RATFINKOVICH
I have read everything you’ve ever 
written, including, um, obviously, 
your most recent short story.
	(sheepishly)
Which is what got me into all this 
trouble ...

	JOSE
Tell me, obviously you still believe 
in Selfosophy.  Do you think it's fair 
that you were excommunicated just for 
reading a piece of forbidden fiction?

	RATFINKOVICH
Selfosophy has the legal right to cut 
me off from my beliefs, from my 
friends ... 
	(faltering)
	From everything.

	JOSE
My first novel, which goes without 
saying, was autobiographical.  It was 
about me and my closest friends, all 
writers.  The book came out to 
universal praise; except by my  
friends -- of all people.  They 
should've understood why I wrote about 
us.  They felt betrayed.
	(sadly)
None of them ever talked to me again.  
Well, I'm here to tell you that "So 
Lonesome, You Could Die" is not a mere 
phrase.  I imagine you feel somewhat 
like that right now.

The young man takes a deep breath, holds out his hands, 
palms up, and smiles.

	RATFINKOVICH
I have never been so happy in all of 
my life.

We see that Ratfinkovich is crying, the fake smile still 
plastered on his face.  On the tablet, Jose adds an 
exclamation mark so that it reads, "Nutball?!"  Jose tries 
to smile but ends up holding his head in despair.


ACT ONE:

INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT

Ratfinkovich's eyes are closed, his face still frozen in 
the same stupid grin ... until a flash from a CRIME 
PHOTOGRAPHER's camera tells us that the young man is dead.  
DET. BOB GEIBELHOUSE is examining the body, while       
DET. TWOHEY lounges in an easy chair reading a girlie 
magazine, of which there is (no pun intended) a stack on 
the table.

	TWOHEY
Well, at least he died happy.

	GEIBELHOUSE
Yeah, don't let the cadaver's spasm 
fool you: electrocution ain't no 
pleasure cruise.

	TWOHEY
Maybe that's the connection with these 
Playpen magazines.
	(reading)
"Mistress November's turn-ons: Guy 
with a nice smile."

	GEIBELHOUSE
Who'd buy so many copies of the same 
issue of the same nudie mag?
	(knowledgeably)
A pervert with a obsessive-compulsive 
disorder, that's who.  So imagine this 
poor guy: he's down at the local 
newsstand ...


BEGIN FLASHBACK.


EXT. LOCAL NEWSSTAND - DAY

In Geibelhouse's telling of the story, Ratfinkovich acts 
out the detective's rendition, so we see him paying the 
VENDOR for said stack of magazines.

	GEIBELHOUSE (V.O.)
He's buying another dozen issues 
'cause he can't help himself.  And 
who's there to witness this gross 
display of indulgence?

REVEAL an attractive WOMYN (a.k.a. anti-porn, feminist 
lesbian) pretending to read "New Age Woman Magazine", 
staring laser-beams of hate/disgust at Ratfinkovich.

	GEIBELHOUSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
An anti-porn, feminist lesbian.  So 
under false pretenses, she approaches 
the guy ...

The APFL quickly puts away her magazine and approaches 
Ratfinkovich, smiling seductively.

	GEIBELHOUSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
... Suggesting she give him a 
"personal" layout.


INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT

The pair enter his apartment.

	GEIBELHOUSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Once back here, she immediately gets 
down to business.

The APFL turns on her heels and opens her raincoat, 
revealing nothing but your basic black Victoria's Secret 
catalog.  Ratfinkovich brings up his hands and signals 
timeout.


END FLASHBACK.


INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT (RESUME)

Twohey is signaling timeout to Geibelhouse, who is holding 
open his trench coat, playing the role of the APFL.

	TWOHEY
Timeout.  I thought you said she was 
an anti-porn, feminist lesbian.

	GEIBELHOUSE
Yeah.  She's one of those sexy, good-
looking kinds.

	TWOHEY
Yikes.

	GEIBELHOUSE
Exactly!


BEGIN FLASHBACK.


INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT

The APFL whips out a cattle prod and begins zapping 
Ratfinkovich mercilessly, until he lands in the chair where 
he dies.

	GEIBELHOUSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And guess what she's got stashed under 
her secrets?  A cattle prod.  She 
starts zapping him; he starts 
screaming "Stop!  Stop!"  But she 
can't stop, she won't stop.


END FLASHBACK.


INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT (RESUME)

Geibelhouse is standing over the corpse, poking it with the 
end of the rolled-up magazine as if it were the cattle 
prod.

	GEIBELHOUSE
She'll never stop 'til every pervert's 
wiped off the face of the scum-sucking 
planet!

	TWOHEY
	(admiringly)
What a woman.

	FRANK (O.S.)
To know that profile reveals less 
about the perp than it does about the 
profiler ... That's what scares me.

FRANK BLACK enters and stares at the detectives gravely.

	GEIBELHOUSE
Hey, Frank, I probably shouldn't have 
called ya, but I got a hunch there's 
something about this case that's 
millenniumistic.

	FRANK
This was done by someone the victim 
was familiar with.  He'll end up being 
very similar to the victim in many 
ways -- age, education, income.

FLASH of Ratfinkovich screaming.

	FRANK (CONT'D)
This was a torture session; something 
to gain information.  Maybe a shady 
business deal.

	JOSE (O.S.)
(like a game show buzzer)
	Ehh!

REVEAL Jose, his arm propped nonchalantly on a bookshelf.

	JOSE (CONT'D)
Anyone else care to try "Crime Scene 
Scenarios" for $500?  Instead of 
taking pictures of the victim's body, 
you should photograph his bookshelves.  
A person's desk says nothing about 
their life, but the books say it all.

	GEIBELHOUSE
	(proving his point)
Oh, yeah?  Not mine: I don't got no 
books.

	JOSE
Exactly.

	GEIBELHOUSE
Don't disturb the crime scene.

Jose picks up a book.  The cover reads: "Dance on the 
Blood-Dimmed Tide by Onan Goopta".

	JOSE
Rocket McGrane: a roving, forensic, 
freelancing profiler.  Wholly absurd 
nonsense, written by the same man who 
created Selfosophy.

	GEIBELHOUSE
Yeah, I don't care who's on the book.  
Who the hell are you?

	FRANK
Jose Chung.
	(to Jose)
Back in high school, I read your book, 
"A Lapful of Severed Tongues" about 
ten times.

	JOSE
	(smiling)
Oh.
	(then, bending close to Frank)
That's the worst book I ever wrote.

Frank Black rebuffed is not a sight we're accustomed to.  
He gestures to the body.

	FRANK
	(moving on gracefully)
What is your involvement with the, uh, 
victim?

Jose demeanor shifts.  Head bowed, he answers shakily:

	JOSE
I am responsible for his death.       
I have been in town doing research for 
my new book, which examines newly-
arising belief systems: the end of the 
millennium.

	GEIBELHOUSE
(to Frank)
What'd I tell ya?

	JOSE
Playpen is running a segment, page 
162.  A short story that has offended 
Selfosophists.

	TWOHEY
	(flipping through the magazine)
So that's what they put in these back 
pages?

	JOSE
Unable to halt distribution, they sent 
out members to buy all the available 
copies, so that the blasphemous story 
could not be read by unsuspecting 
masturbators.

	FRANK
He didn't just buy the magazines, he 
read the story.  And he liked it.  
Confession led to his excommunication.  
He got in touch with you to talk about 
Selfosophy's hierarchy.

	JOSE
	(impressed)
How in the world did you deduce all of 
that?

	FRANK
I'm a roving, freelance, forensic 
profiler.

	JOSE
	Oh ...

	GEIBELHOUSE
I still ain't heard how this guy got 
fried.

	JOSE
After I left -- after arranging a 
meeting for tonight -- I imagine that 
Mr. Ratfinkovich received another 
visitor ...


BEGIN FLASHBACK.


INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT

Ratfinkovich sits at his table and addresses someone who we 
do not see yet.

	RATFINKOVICH
Boy, am I glad to see you.  I haven't 
talked to anybody since they kicked me 
out!

REVEAL ROLAND SMOOTH, a fellow Selfosophist, opens his 
briefcase and brings out a strange device that resembles a 
demented cassette player.  Ratfinkovich looks at it 
nervously.

	RATFINKOVICH (CONT'D)
Don't you think it would be better if 
we talked on a more personal level?


END FLASHBACK.


INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT (RESUME)

	GEIBELHOUSE
What does he pull out of the case?

	JOSE
An Onan-o-Graph.

	FRANK
Selfosophists claimed it's a self-
therapeutic device used to modify 
emotional states.  Basically, it's a 
cassette player used to register the 
user's emotional response to questions 
asked on tape.

	GEIBELHOUSE
That's a lie detector.

	JOSE
With a cassette player!


BEGIN FLASHBACK.


INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT

We see the name of the cassette in the Onan-o-Graph: "How 
to Repent and Move On".  Ratfinkovich is wearing a headset 
that also covers his eyes -- it is the same device that the 
Selfosophists in the Teaser were wearing.  Smooth watches 
closely.  We HEAR the ANNOUNCER's voice (who projects 
authoritarianism, yet could sell lite beer) play on tape.

	ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
Do you harbor any bitterness towards 
Selfosophy?

	RATFINKOVICH
No.  I understand why they had to --

The machine BEEPS and repeats the last question.

	ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
Do you harbor any bitterness towards 
Selfosophy?

	RATFINKOVICH
Yes.  But only because --

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
Take a moment to reflect on your 
current state: Are you feeling 
anxious?  Confused?  Nervous?

	RATFINKOVICH
Very much so.

	ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
So, obviously, this bitterness is not 
making you feel any better.  Now, 
wouldn't it seem wiser not to feel 
bitter?

	RATFINKOVICH
	(thinking)
Well ... yes!  Yes, I guess it does.

Smooth nods approvingly.

	ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
Have you shared this misguided 
bitterness with any non-Selfosophists?

	RATFINKOVICH
	(quickly)
No, that's against the rules!

The machine BEEPS and repeats the question.

	ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
Have you shared this bitterness with 
any non-Selfosophists?

	RATFINKOVICH
	(suddenly)
Yes!

Smooth's smile disappears, anger washing over his features.

	ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
Was this non-Selfosophist a member of 
the media?

Ratfinkovich lifts up the headset and sees Smooth's 
expression.

	RATFINKOVICH
Roland, you look like you're thinking 
negative thoughts.  Please don't be 
dark.

	ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
Was this non-Selfosophist a member --

	RATFINKOVICH
	(breaking down)
It was Chung!  It was Jose Chung!  It --

Suddenly, the headset SHORT CIRCUITS, sending deadly shocks 
into Ratfinkovich's head.  Smooth immediately unplugs the 
device, but it's too late.  He studies the dead man for a 
moment; then holds out his hands, palms up and smiles.


END FLASHBACK.


INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT (RESUME)

	GEIBELHOUSE
Why does he do that thing with his 
hands?

	JOSE
Whenever he thinks a negative thought, 
the gestures reminds Selfosophists to 
think the complete opposite thought.

	GEIBELHOUSE
So then what'd he do?


BEGIN FLASHBACK.


INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT

Smooth removes the Onan-o-Graph and shrugs in a kind of 
"Oh, well!".  Tucking the briefcase under his arm, Smooth 
gives the dead man a pat on the back and leaves.


END FLASHBACK.


INT. RATFINKOVICH'S APARTMENT (RESUME)

	FRANK
I'm sorry, but I seriously doubt that 
this device would malfunction in this 
way.

	JOSE
I know they can't; I was merely being 
fanciful.

	GEIBELHOUSE
"Fanciful"?  You mean you don't have 
any proof as to what actually happened 
here?

	JOSE
Proof?  I was making it up as I went 
along.

Frank and Geibelhouse share annoyed looks.

	GEIBELHOUSE
Frank, don't the Selfosophists got a 
headquarters downtown?

	FRANK
Yeah, you mind if I come along with you?

	JOSE
Gents, be careful: these Selfosophists 
can be very evasive.  And persuasive.

	GEIBELHOUSE
Yeah, well, we know how to question 
someone to get what we want out of 
them.

	JOSE
So do they.

We end the scene on the dead man's grinning face and cut 
to:


INT. SELFOSOPHIST'S HEADQUARTERS

A similarly grinning face -- very much alive but just as 
annoying.  This is ROBBINSKI, a weird, Brylcreemed 
Selfosophist, who speaks and chuckles in a nasal, rapid-
fire fashion without coming up for air.  Outfitted in an 
ill-fitting dress shirt and tie, he just screams "creepy".

	ROBBINSKI
... Heh-heh, that is a very perceptive 
point, Detective, but our therapeutic 
techniques are patented for that very 
reason.  If a disgruntled ex-member 
tries to make them public, we would 
simply sue that person to the fullest 
extent, but in full accordance with 
the law.  Heh-heh, furthermore, just 
because your suspect might 
"coincidentally" be a Selfosophist,   
I don't think it's fair to place 
Selfosophy itself under suspicion.  In 
fact, if you continue to do so, we may 
have to regard this harassment as a 
form of discrimination, and sue to the 
fullest extent, but in full accordance 
with the law.  

Robbinski stands and comes around the desk, revealing a 
pair of Boy Scout-influenced shorts.

	ROBBINSKI (CONT'D)
But I'm positive it won't come to 
that, since by very definition, a 
Selfosophist is incapable of murder.  
Selfosophy teaches how to rid oneself 
of thoughts concerning others and 
focus on what is most important: 
yourself.

He points to a movie poster, "Mr. Ne'er Do Well", whose 
star looks amazingly like David Duchovny with a gun and 
stupid grin.

	ROBBINSKI (CONT'D)
For example, you're familiar with the 
films of Bobby Wingood?  Bobby used to 
be an out-of-work actor -- high on 
drugs, beating up paparazzi because 
they wouldn't take his picture -- then 
he found Selfosophy and learned how to 
reject rage and anger, and focus on 
more meaningful emotions.

Robbinski steps up to another movie poster of a suave 
Wingood in the movie "Operation Box Office".

	ROBBINSKI (CONT'D)
Now he's rich and famous and dating 
high-price fashion models.  In fact, 
many of Hollywood's elite are 
Selfosophists, so I ask you: how could 
a religious order with ties to 
Hollywood be involved in anything 
immoral?  But don't worry, detectives: 
I think I have something that will 
prove useful to you.

Robbinski picks up a Selfosophy book and hands it to 
Geibelhouse.

	ROBBINSKI (CONT'D)
Detective, you obviously possess many 
unique skills, but I sense that your 
negativity is holding you back.  Are 
you aware how often you use 
negatively-associated words?

	GEIBELHOUSE
	(proving a point again)
Uh, no, I don't neither.

	ROBBINSKI
And Mr. Black, your profound solemnity 
is a sure sign of a noble nature, but 
people are reluctant to open up to 
dark, gloomy brooders.

	FRANK
	(flatly)
They are?

Robbinski hands a copy to Frank as well.

	ROBBINSKI
Gentlemen, I can tell you'd do almost 
anything to find this killer of yours, 
but what are you willing to do to find 
yourselves?


INT. FRANK'S HOUSE - NIGHT

On the bed is the Selfosophy book.  Panning up, we see 
Frank reading Playpen magazine.  Horizontally.  The page is 
open to Jose Chung's article.

	JOSE (V.O.)
Every unhappy person is unhappy in 
their own way.  Happy people are all 
alike, especially Selfosophists, whose 
positive-thinking therapies make every 
day a beautiful day ...


INT.  SMOOTH'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

Smooth is sound asleep ... until the alarm BLARES, and an 
annoying rock-and-roll tune plays loudly.  He wakes up, and 
smiles cheerfully.

	SMOOTH
Yes!

We cut to the bathroom, where he is brushing his teeth.  He 
smiles at his reflection.

	SMOOTH (CONT'D)
This is the 27,466th time I've had to 
brush my teeth, and I never get tired 
of it!


EXT. CAR

Smooth is stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic and is still 
predictably grinning like an idiot.

	SMOOTH
Oh, boy!  A traffic jam!
	(beeping his horn cheerfully)
And road construction to boot!


EXT. NEWSSTAND

Smooth closes the newspaper he was reading, his expression 
faltering for a moment.

	SMOOTH
Darn.
	(smiling again)
It's not whether my team won or lost, 
it's how they played the game!

The vendor looks at him questioningly, probably thinking, 
"Nutball."  Smooth spots the article in the Playpen 
magazine and reads it.

	JOSE (V.O.)
Nevertheless, a positive-thinking, 
goal-oriented entrepreneur like 
Napoleon, had his Waterloo ...

	SMOOTH
	(reading)
"Every unhappy person is unhappy in 
their own way.  Happy people are all 
alike, especially Selfosophists."

Again, he tries to buck himself up.

	SMOOTH (CONT'D)
Sometimes it's good to laugh at 
yourself.  Keeps you humble.

Then, throwing Selfosophy to the wind, Smooth shreds the 
magazine in his hands, and starts whaling on the stack of 
Playpens.  The vendor simply tallies up every magazine he 
destroys.


INT. SMOOTH'S APARTMENT

We see the Onan-o-Graph playing a tape called "How to 
Subdue Your Homicidal Rage".  Smooth is pacing, seething 
underneath the headset.

	ANNOUNCER
Since you can't control others, isn't 
it more productive to control your own 
feelings toward them?

	SMOOTH
Chung ridiculed everything I hold 
sacred!  With Selfosophy so close to 
respectability, the damage could --

The Onan-o-Graph BEEPS.

	ANNOUNCER
Since you can't control others, isn't 
it more productive to control your own 
feelings?

	SMOOTH
He makes fun of the Onan-o-graph!

	ANNOUNCER
	(loudly)
NEG --
	(then calmly)
Negative feelings directed at others 
is never constructive; instead of 
giving out hatred, why not give a 
gift?  Even if it's unappreciated, 
you'll feel better about yourself, 
won't you?

Smooth takes off the headset; then picks up a clown doll.

	SMOOTH
Yeah!  I'll send this writer a gift, 
just to show him we can take a     
joke ... Even if that joke is a sad, 
spiteful, stupid piece of sh --

Annnd we cut to:


INT. FRANK'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The phone RINGS and Frank picks it up.  We intercut between 
Frank's home and Jose's hotel room.

	FRANK
Yeah?

	JOSE
Mr. Black?  This is Jose Chung.       
I hope you don't mind my calling you, 
but Det. Geibelhouse gave me your 
phone number.

	FRANK
No, not at all.  Just reading your 
story.

	JOSE
Oh!

	FRANK
It's ... amusing.  Although I'm not 
sure I'm comfortable with the tone.

	JOSE
I'll take that as an unqualified rave!
	(beat)
Mr. Black, the reason I'm calling you 
is that I received something in the 
mail that I think you will find of 
some interest.

REVEAL a box containing the clown doll with every 
conceivable deadly weapon known to man sticking out of it.


ACT TWO:

INT. JOSE CHUNG'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

The impaled clown doll sits on a table between Jose and 
Frank.

	JOSE
Yet another pretty example of art 
imitating the very life it condemns.

	FRANK
You don't seem very disturbed by this.

	JOSE
A writer wants his work to affect 
people.  You'd prefer the effects not 
be death threats, but beggars cannot 
be choosers.  Beside, the antagonists 
in my story sends many such threats 
before acting upon them.

	FRANK
Just because this person has 
copycatted one element doesn't mean 
he's going to follow the whole story.

	JOSE
Well, let's hope he doesn't follow the 
ending.
(then off Frank's blank look)
You, uh, didn't read the whole story, 
did you?

	FRANK
Well ...

	JOSE
The Selfosophist psycho finally 
confronts the writer, killing him.  
The police give chase, but because he 
keeps a positive attitude: "I can get away, 
if I think I can get away", he gets away.

	FRANK
That's very downbeat.

	JOSE
Life is downbeat, Monsieur Noir.

We HEAR Frank's beeper, and he stands to leave.

	FRANK
I've got another case, Mr. Chung, so 
all I can really advise is --

	JOSE
You know, your work is utterly 
fascinating to me.  Do you think it's 
possible that I could tag along?  Just 
as an observer, of course.

	FRANK
Is the only reason you're interested 
in me because I'm involved with --

	JOSE
The Millennium Group?  I've become 
aware of your mysterious little   
group ... but I have no plans to 
include them in my millennium book.
	(crossing his fingers)
You have my word as a writer.


INT. PROFESSOR RANDI'S OFFICE - NIGHT

PETER WATTS, Geibelhouse and the police are going through 
the office of PROFESSOR AMOS RANDI.  Said occupant is 
slumped facedown on his desk, dead.

	GEIBELHOUSE
	(to Watts)
You know, you can learn a lot about a 
person from the books on their 
shelves.  Campus security told me this 
guy taught comparative religions.  It 
wasn't until I saw these Nostradamus 
books until I realized this case was 
millenniumistic.

Watts stops his examination and slowly turns to look at 
Geibelhouse.  Frank ENTERS.

	WATTS
Frank.  Thank God you're here.  
Someone's killed Amos Randi, the 
Nostradamus scholar.

	FRANK
I've consulted with him a few times.

	WATTS
So did the Group.  The police are 
thinking disgruntled student; we think 
otherwise.

	FRANK
He may have been a student, but this 
is not about grades.  

Frank examines the body and finds a slip of paper in the 
shirt collar.

	FRANK (CONT'D)
	(reading)
"Blood rains upon the first ignorant 
tyrant; second falls with voice in 
holy woods; third anti-Christ 
destroyed to serve man."

	WATTS
Lines from Nostradamus?

	FRANK
Phrases from different quatrains all 
jumbled up.  This is from a book 
somewhere in this room.  It looks like 
he's targeting people who are 
Nostradamus' three anti-Christs.

	WATTS
The first ignorant tyrant probably 
meant the professor.

Geibelhouse finds the book and hands it to Frank, who 
matches the torn page.

	GEIBELHOUSE
This it?

	FRANK
The page fits: this must be the 
attacker's book.

	JOSE
Then the killer can't be a student.

	FRANK
How do you know?

	JOSE
	(pointing at the book)
Dog-eared pages; highlighted passages; 
margin notations.  This book has 
actually been read -- it can't be a 
student.

	WATTS
Uh, Frank, can I consult with you for 
a -- ?

They move out of earshot and then aside to Frank:

	WATTS (C0NT'D)
Who is that rather peculiar man?

	FRANK
That's the writer, Jose Chung.  He's 
here researching a book about the 
millennium.

	WATTS
The Millennium Group's not interested 
in publicity.

	FRANK
No, no, it's not about us: in fact, 
he's working on a case that could be 
of great interest to the group.  This 
Selfosophist was found --

	WATTS
	(alarmed)
Whoa, Selfosophy?  No, no ...

	FRANK
What is going on, Peter?  We’ve never 
backed away from anything.  We’ve even 
faced evil incarnate.

	WATTS
Evil incarnate can't sue.  All I'm 
saying is be careful about what you 
say around your writer friend.

Inside the room, Jose is holding court to the officers.

	JOSE
So, imagine the writer-girlfriend 
going off to college: discovering all 
these bright ideas and brilliant 
professors.  The blue-collar boyfriend 
tries to read some of her books; you 
know, to show he has an interest in 
her interests.  So the girl breaks off 
the relationship; the boy's world is 
shattered.  His own personal 
apocalypse.  But in his madness, he 
finds -- now this is very good -- in 
his madness, he finds an explanation 
for his unhappiness.  Nostradamus, you 
see, wasn't predicting world events: 
he was predicting the cataclysmic of 
this poor boy's life.  So fulfilling 
prophecies as he interpreted them, he 
kills his ex-girlfriend's teacher.  
With a big axe.

	FRANK
What the hell's going on here?

	JOSE
I'm profiling.

	FRANK
Based on what?

	JOSE
The coded message: I cracked it.  You 
see the voice in "holy woods" is 
referring to the Hollywood Moviehouse 
Theater, currently showing the Orson 
Welles Film Festival.  Orson Welles 
was the voiceover narrator of a film 
called "The Man Who Could See 
Tomorrow."  A documentary about 
Nostradamus.

	FRANK
Mr. Chung, can I have a word with you 
just for a moment?

	JOSE
Certainly.

The two move outside the room.

	JOSE (CONT'D)
I thought I was very good.

	FRANK
I thought you promised you'd be an 
observer here.

	JOSE
That was before I realized how similar 
our jobs are.  You see, based on some 
vague details and notions, you try to 
sketch out a person's past, in order 
to imagine their future actions.  
Detection, dramaturgy: it's all the 
same.

	FRANK
You can't erase blood.

With that, Frank steps back inside; puts on a pair of 
gloves and begins to examine the body.

	JOSE
"Don't be dark," say Selfosophists.  
How can you not be, when your job is, 
too.


INT. JOSE CHUNG'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Jose balls up a piece of paper and throws it aimlessly 
away.

	JOSE (V.O.)
The agony and humiliation of being a 
human is in every line I've ever 
written.  And it's written in every 
line in the face of Frederick Blork.


INT. FRANK'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Frank is studying the Ratfinkovich file.

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
God, I love his face.  Not in that  
way -- no one could love his face that 
way -- it's hideous!  Yes, beauty is 
not always found in the beautiful; 
just as sanity is not always found in 
the insane.

	FRANK (V.O.)
There is nothing to connect 
Ratfinkovich's assailant with Chung's 
threatener, and yet, such a frustrated 
reaction to his story suggests someone 
unaccustomed to insubordination.  His 
profession might be dictatorial in 
nature, complete control over his 
underlings -- a management executive 
or a foreman ...


INT. COFFEEHOUSE - DAY

Smooth is typing excitedly on his laptop using a screenplay 
program.

	FRANK (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Or maybe, a writer.

	SMOOTH (V.O.)
"Newton:  Mr. Chong is writing.  He is 
not to be disturbed by anyone.  
McGrane:  Anybody?  Why, I’m not just
Anybody.  I'm McGrane!  Rocket McGrane!  
And he punches Newton 
right in the balls, knocking him out!"
	(then, to himself)
Boy, my writing's really improved 
since I got this new software!  
"Dissolve to: Int. Rico Chong's  
Office - Night."


INT. JOSE'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

The entire floor is littered with balled-up wads of paper.  
Jose looks utterly abject.

	SMOOTH (V.O.)
In his palatial office, the cocky hack 
cranks out fiction, cackling with 
snotty glee.

	JOSE (V.O.)
This book will be the death of me.    
I just can't write anymore.  What 
possessed me to be a writer anyway?
	(pours a shot of whiskey)
What kind of a life is this?  What 
else can I do now, with no other 
skills or ability?  My life has 
fizzled away.  Only two options left: 
suicide or become ... a television 
weatherman.

Suddenly inspired, he picks up his pen and starts writing.

	JOSE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Like television weathermen, giving 
information by simply looking out the 
window, forensic profilers provide 
little, if anything, of practical value.     
Mr. Blork, however, not only intuits 
specific details, but to better 
comprehend a particular pathology, 
he's willing to submit himself to that 
very madness ...


INT. FRANK'S HOUSE

Frank puts on the headset and starts the Onan-o-Graph.  The 
cassette reads: "How to Not be Dark."

	ANNOUNCER
... And utilizing these copyrighted 
techniques will help brighten the 
darkness of your mind.  Let's try an 
easy visualization therapy.  Are you 
ready?

	FRANK
Yeah.

The machine BEEPS pleasantly.

	ANNOUNCER
Good.  Picture in your mind something 
you've seen recently that disturbed 
you.  It can be a stain on your 
favorite shirt, or a scratch on your 
new car.  Just close your eyes and try 
to picture an unpleasant image.

Frank has an massive onslaught of horrific FLASHES: demons, 
victims -- slashed and bloody -- bloated corpses, screaming 
maniacs, more demons, a man on fire, a body hanging from a 
tree, demons, demons, and more demons.

	ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
Have you pictured an image?  Good.  
Now picture a deflated beach ball.

Still reeling from the images, Frank gingerly removes the 
headset and wipes his face wearily.

	ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
Inflate this beach ball with the 
disturbing image.  Now, push this dark 
beach ball away from you; just push 
that ball and watch it float away from 
you.  That's it: keep pushing that 
unpleasantness away --

Frank shoves the headset crashing to the floor, halting the 
ingratiating voice.  The phone RINGS.

	FRANK
Frank Black.

	GEIBELHOUSE
	(on phone)
Hey, Frank, it's Geibelhouse.  I don't 
mean to be downbeat here, but we got 
another dead body.


ACT THREE:

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

The marquee reads: "Orson Welles Festival, Tonite, 'The 
Third Man' ".  Inside the ticket booth is a DEAD GIRL.  
Geibelhouse is relaying the report to Frank.

	GEIBELHOUSE
The ushers say it was her ex-
boyfriend.  They tried to stop him, 
but he escaped down a sewer drain and 
disappeared.

	FRANK
Was she a student of Dr. Randi's?

	GEIBELHOUSE
Yeah, but she was an English Lit 
major.  She was reading Jose Chung's 
book.

Geibelhouse shows Frank a set of photo booth pictures of 
the dead girl with her boyfriend, who looks like the late 
Frank Zappa with a straight perm.

	GEIBELHOUSE (CONT'D)
That's the guy there.  Well, you see 
that just goes to show: happiness is 
not a given.  You have to maintain 
your upbeatness.

	FRANK
Have you been reading Selfosophy books?

	GEIBELHOUSE
	(defensively)
It's investigative research.  Don't be 
so dark.

Geibelhouse yanks the book out of Frank's hands and walks 
away.  Watts approaches.

	WATTS
Well, we positively ID's the guy; now 
we just have to -- 
	(off of Frank's distracted look)
What's the matter?

	FRANK
This Selfosophy thing ...

	WATTS
Frank, you have got to straighten your 
priorities.  We have still got to 
track down this killer before he 
attacks his third targeted anti-Christ 
as your profile.

	FRANK
No, it was Chung's profile that 
predicted this murder.

	WATTS
Are you suggesting that we recruit 
Jose Chung in the Millennium Group?


INT. JOSE'S HOTEL ROOM

Jose is propounding yet another theory on Frank.

	JOSE
I've come up with a new profile: my 
secret admirer is a writer.

	FRANK
That conforms with my profile.  How'd 
you come up with that?

	JOSE
He sent me another gift today.

He holds up a book entitled "The Hacked-Up Hack" by Onan 
Goopta, and hands it to Frank.

	JOSE (CONT'D)
Now read the inscription.

	FRANK
	(reading)
"Here's what a real writer does: 
enlightens while he entertains.  Plus, 
the murder victim is a famous author, 
hint, hint."

	JOSE
Only the writer would say that.  A 
writer needs everybody to read and 
love his work, even people he wants to 
kill.

	FRANK
This was written by Onan Goopta?

	JOSE
Ghost-written.  And ghost-bought by 
Selfosophists.  On a regular basis, 
they go into stores and buy multiple 
copies of Goopta's books so that they 
land on the best-seller's lists.  It's 
so brilliant!  You know, I've been 
thinking about creating my own army of 
surplus buyers.
	(gesturing hypnotically)
Frank, come join me ...

	FRANK
Mr. Chung, the continuation of this 
threat against you --

	JOSE
Maybe he'll be there tonight.

	FRANK
Be where tonight?

	JOSE
Oh, I'm doing a signing at Bartleby's 
Books.

	FRANK
Mr. Chung, you're already courting 
disaster by staying here.  Making a 
public appearance will --

	JOSE
Monsieur Noir, unlike profiling, 
writing is a very depressing and 
lonely profession.  Any chance I have 
to meet my readers is one I must take!  
It gives me the will to go on.


INT. BOOKSTORE - NIGHT

It is stone-cold empty.  Jose is sitting dejectedly at a 
table, surrounded by stacks of his books.  Frank sits 
nearby.

	JOSE
This is how it will all end: not with 
floods, earthquakes, falling comets or 
gigantic crabs roaming the earth.  No, 
doomsday will start simply out of 
indifference.

Frank nods sympathetically.

	JOSE (CONT'D)
I'm sorry, I'm a little bitter because 
NOBODY CAME FOR ME TO SIGN MY FREAKING BOOKS!

Jose gets up and starts wandering through the desolate 
store.  Frank follows.

	FRANK
Do you mind my asking: you're writing 
a book, yet you don't believe any of 
the prophecies?

	JOSE
At the start of the nineties, they 
predicted major breakthroughs for the 
neurosciences: the "Decade of the 
Brain".  Instead, it was the decade  
of ... body-piercing.  Now why should 
the millennium predictions be more 
accurate?

	FRANK
The religious component.  Do you not 
believe in God either?

	JOSE
Oh, there are times when I've been a 
devout believer.  And there are some 
times I have been a staunch atheist, 
and there've been times when I've been 
both ... during the same course of the 
same sexual act.

	FRANK
	(smiling)
Don't be dark.  Personally, I think 
this is a very significant time in 
mankind's history.

	JOSE
But that's what every man throughout 
history has said about his time.
	(gesturing around him)
These books -- so much significance -- 
but will they still exist a thousand 
years from now?  One, maybe two 
writers will still be read.  Do you 
know the two?

	FRANK
Shakespeare and ... Chung?

	JOSE
	(chuckling appreciatively)
No, thank you ... Shakespeare and 
Goopta.

	FRANK
Goopta?

	JOSE
Selfosophists have gone to great 
lengths to safeguard the eternal 
circulation of his writing.  They may 
not be read by the end of the next 
millennium, but they still will most 
certainly exist literally.

	FRANK
How will they preserve them for that 
long?

	JOSE
If I told you, I would have to kill you.
	(shaking his head)
Oh, I wish that was a joke.

Jose throws an arm over Frank's shoulder as they walk out 
of the store.

	FRANK
I'm sorry I haven't read your books.

	JOSE
Oh, I'm sorry I had to cut you and 
your group out of my new book.

	FRANK
You weren't going to write about us 
anyway, and you cut us out?

	JOSE
I just felt you weren't ... 
millenniumistic enough.

Smooth emerges from an aisle, just missing the two men.  
Smiling, he spots the Selfosophy display and begins filling 
his arms with dozens of books.


INT. FRANK'S BEDROOM

Frank is in bed reading "The Hacked-Up Hack".

	FRANK (V.O.)
	(reading)
There was the 37th murder by the same 
serial killer, but no one knew who he 
was or why he killed.  One thing's for 
sure: he had tons of unresolved 
personal problems.  The victim was a 
famous writer, but the cops didn't 
have a clue why he'd been targeted.  
The mood was very bleak, until ...


INT. FAMOUS WRITER'S HOTEL ROOM

Geibelhouse, Twohey and a few others are working the crime 
scene.  We cannot see the identity of the famous writer in 
question since he is lying facedown at his desk, but it 
appears to be Jose.  A mysterious MAN in a blue trench coat 
KICKS in the door and enters with a swagger.  REVEAL ROCKET 
MCGRANE (who looks amazingly like a bleached-blonde Frank 
Black) and could out-creep Robbinski.

	MCGRANE
Boys, boys, boys, lighten up: this is 
a homicide, not a funeral.  Hah-hah!

	GEIBELHOUSE
	(gravely)
McGrane, thank God you're here.  We 
got a real ugly case.

	TWOHEY
	(to McGrane)
Wanna view the body?

	MCGRANE
	(holding up a hand)
Is there blood?

	TWOHEY
His trachea was ripped out -- of 
course there's blood.

	MCGRANE
Then thanks, but no thanks.  Whatever 
goes in the peepers goes into the 
neurobiology: I only look at things 
that are pretty.

Speaking of which, McGrane turns to the pretty female crime 
photographer.

	MCGRANE (CONT'D)
Say, would you like to come back to my 
apartment and take my portrait?
	(winking)
Bring a wide-angle lens.

	TWOHEY
But you just can't close your eyes to 
the darkness, the bleak side of life.

McGrane drops to one knee and KARATE-PUNCHES Twohey in the 
Crotch.  He goes down like a rock.

	TWOHEY (CONT'D)
Oooh ...

	MCGRANE
I'm Rocket McGrane and I do whatever  
I want to maintain my upbeatness.

	GEIBELHOUSE
Yeah, well, that's all well and good, 
but we got a murder to solve.

	MCGRANE
This case is a piece of cake with ice 
cream on the side!  Ha-ha!

	GEIBELHOUSE
Are you going to use your special 
profiling powers?

	MCGRANE
I don't need to!  I know what killed 
this writer: his own bad writing!  He 
wrote about downbeat stories about 
depressed people doing dark things.  
Who wants that?  People don't want to 
know how rotten mankind is: they want 
to be enlightened while they're being 
entertained.  That's what real writers 
do: to serve man.


INT. FRANK'S BEDROOM

Frank puts the book down and dials Watts' number.

	FRANK
Peter, call Geibelhouse and meet me at 
Chung's hotel room now.  One of his 
titles is "To Serve Man."

	WATTS
	(on phone)
I hope you're not going to tell me 
it's a cookbook.

	FRANK
It is the book the girl in the theater 
was reading.  Chung is the killer's 
third anti-Christ.


TAG:

INT. JOSE'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Jose is typing at his desk.  The phone rings and he rips 
the cord out, then begins typing again.  Suddenly, Smooth 
kicks the door open.  Jose looks up, unfazed in the least.

	JOSE
Oh!  Rocket McGrane, I presume.

	SMOOTH
Writing more blasphemy about Selfosophy?

	JOSE
I'm trying to, but it's awfully noisy 
in here.

	SMOOTH
You know, you're exactly how          
I imagined you.

	JOSE
As I you!  Although I didn't expect 
such a flair for the dramatic.

	SMOOTH
Cranky, miserable, sarcastically 
bitter ...

	JOSE
I'm always grouchy when facing        
a deadline.

	SMOOTH
Maybe that's because you call it a 
"deadline".  You might react more 
positively if you called them a 
"liveline", or "birthline".

	JOSE
If you're here to kill me, fine.  But 
please refrain from murdering the 
English language.

	SMOOTH
Well, I'm pretty handy with the 
language myself.  

Smooth pulls out a gun and aims it at Jose.

	SMOOTH (CONT'D)
Maybe I'll create a new definition for 
"deadline".

Jose rolls out the paper he was typing and sets it on the 
table with a flourish.

	JOSE
Too late!  I'm done.

Smooth begins throwing his papers across the room.

	SMOOTH
As if I'd allow you to publish our 
secrets, to ridicule all our beliefs.

	JOSE
It's not just your beliefs: I ridicule 
a whole bunch of other beliefs.

	SMOOTH
Why?!  Why bring pain to people who 
are trying to wipe away pain and find 
true happiness?

	JOSE
If I used your therapies to wipe away 
my pains, I'd disappear!  And if my 
right to choose amusement wherever I 
want -- if that were wiped away, too, 
I'd die!

	SMOOTH
Oh, you'll die, all right ...

	JOSE
You're supposed to say that line more 
out of the side of your mouth.  "Oh, 
you'll die, all right."

Jose gets up and sits on his bed.

	SMOOTH
This is all just a lark to you, isn't 
it?

	JOSE
Certainly not.  Humorless people like 
you scare the hell out of me.  But 
I've developed a few therapies of my 
own.  I've learned to appreciate the 
preposterousness of any profundity.  
And in my distress, I am able to find 
the smallest, most absurd details.  As 
if God were looking down, winking at 
me, and letting me in on the joke.

	SMOOTH
Well, my god doesn't wink.

	JOSE
Don't I know it.  I once knew your 
god.  He worshipped me: he thought I 
was a literary genius.

Smooth's face falls.

	JOSE (CONT'D)
And I was then.  Then he asked me what 
I thought of his writing and I told 
him: "Goopta, you stink."  Because he 
did!  I never saw a grown man cry so 
hard, for so long.  I put my arm 
around him, I said, "It doesn't matter 
that I don't like your work!  What 
matters is that you enjoy doing it, 
you must do what makes you happy."  
But what I didn't know was that what made him 
happy was to be a deity!  So you are 
here to kill me because I once told 
God to not be dark.  Isn't that funny?

The young man is stunned, and sits on the edge of the bed.

	JOSE (CONT'D)
So feel free to use your Onan-o-Graph 
and your therapies, if that's what it 
takes to make you happy.  And I truly 
mean that; good luck to you, buddy.  
But please allow me to wallow in my 
own misery in peace.  And if I should 
look up from my "downbeat abyss" and 
find you a fool, that's no right of 
you to commit upon me a foolish act.

Jose gets up and sits at his desk again.

	SMOOTH
	(shaking his head)
No ... wrong is wrong, happy is happy, 
death is --

Jose pulls out a gun, and points it at the Selfosophist.

	JOSE
Inevitable.  I believe McGrane would 
call this "a diversionary tactic."

Frank kicks in the door to see Jose training his gun on the 
young man.

	FRANK
	(sighing)	
Who the hell is this?

	JOSE
The Selfosophy psycho.

Suddenly, Smooth SHOOTS at Jose but misses, and runs out of 
the room.

	FRANK
Are you all right?

Jose nods and Frank pursues Smooth.


INT. STAIRWELL

Smooth runs up the stairs where he points his gun at Frank.

	SMOOTH
Die, you dark bastard.

He pulls the trigger, but nothing happens.  He smiles 
cheerfully.

	SMOOTH (CONT'D)
All right!  My gun jammed!

Smooth throws his gun at Frank and continues running up the 
stairs.


INT. JOSE'S HOTEL ROOM

Jose is on his hands and knees, picking up his papers.

	JOSE
Ohh ... maybe it'll read better all 
jumbled up like this.

A tall, dark figure armed with a large axe stands in the 
doorway.  He approaches Jose and we see that it is the 
Frank Zappa look-alike.

	NOSTRADAMUS NUTBALL
A third anti-Christ man destroyed ... 
to serve man!

	JOSE
Hell's bells!


EXT. ROOF

Smooth emerges on the rooftop and runs to the edge, looking 
over to see if he can make it across to an adjacent 
building.  Frank appears in the doorway and follows his 
train of sight.

	FRANK
Hey, don't try it!  You'll never make it.

	SMOOTH
Not with that negative attitude I won't!

Unfortunately, a positive attitude is no match for gravity, 
and the moron falls to his death.  We HEAR a car screech.  
Frank looks over the edge: Geibelhouse gets out of his car 
and looks at the dead body.

	FRANK
Geibelhouse!

	GEIBELHOUSE
	(peering up)
That you, Frank?  Who's this?

	FRANK
The Selfosophy psycho!  He tried to 
get away!

	GEIBELHOUSE
Lookin' real downbeat.  Hey, Frank: 
thanks for the tip.  We caught the guy 
coming out the front!

	FRANK
What guy?

	GEIBELHOUSE
The Nostradamus Nutball.

Frank thinks for a moment, then rushes back to Jose's room.


INT. JOSE'S HOTEL ROOM

Watts is staring at a dying Jose, who is slumped on the 
floor with a fatal head wound.  Frank kneels next to him, 
and has FLASHES of the Nostradamus Nutball striking him 
with the axe.

	WATTS
Frank.

	JOSE
	(weakly)
Fra -- Frank ...

	FRANK
What?

	JOSE
Don't ... you just love that mustache?

	FRANK
Yeah, it's --

Frank looks up at a confused Watts; when he turns back, 
Jose is dead.


INT. FRANK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Frank is in bed, reading Jose's posthumously released book 
"Doomsday Defense".

	JOSE (V.O.)
Well, all's well that ends well.  
Though that's easy for Shakespeare to 
say -- he'll be around for another 
millennium.  But what of our own 
millennium?  Will it all end well?  No 
one can know, but that of course 
doesn't stop anyone from guessing.  
And the nature of those predictions 
always revolve around the usual 
suspects: salvation and/or self-
satisfaction.  With that in mind,     
I humbly add my own prophecy of what 
the dawn of the new millennium shall 
bring forth: one thousand more years 
of the same, old crap.

With that, Frank shuts close the book and turns out the 
lights.


END.

========================================================

Ten Thirteen Productions
in association with

20th Century Fox Television (R)
A News Corporation Company

Guest Starring

Charles Nelson Reilly (Jose Chung)
Terry O’Quinn (Peter Watts)
 
Co-starring 
 
Stephen J. Lang (Detective Bob Geiblehouse)
Patrick Fabian (Ratfinkovich)
Richard Steinmetz (Mr. Smooth)
Dan Zukovic (Robbinski)


Copyright (c) 1997
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
All Rights Reserved #5C09

Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation is the author of this motion
picture for purposes of copyright and other laws. 

The characters and names depicted in this photoplay are fictitious. Any
similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Ownership of this motion picture is protected by copyright and other
applicable laws, and any unauthorized duplication, distribution or 
exhibition of this motion picture could result in criminal prosecution
as well as civil liability.

========================================================
Millennium
Copyright and TM, 1997
FOX Broadcasting Company
========================================================

Last Updated: May 08, 2003
Webmaster: Brian A. Dixon