The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of ANGELA PATERSON.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(The scene begins in the OR where Hawkeye, Burns and BJ are all operating)

Hawkeye- Look at them, they're babies

Burns- What are you talking about?

Hawkeye- The patients Frank, look at their faces they couldn't have a whisker between them

Burns- Beards dont prove anything

BJ- Remember you heard it here first (Shouts) Klinger

Burns- It's not what's on their chins but what's in their guts

Hawkeye- Which is mostly shrapnel. Frank started out to be a  psychiatrist but he discovered he liked the sight of blood

(Klinger and a corpsman enter and remove the patient that BJ was working on)

Burns- Oh hardy har har. These men are soldiers Pierce and darn proud of it

Hawkeye- No they're not they're babies. (The camera gives a close up of Hawkeyes patient) Look at this Timothy Burke, cant be more than eighteen years old. He should be home being burped by his mother, we're all a bunch of paediatricians, all except you Frank

Burns- Oh and what am I? (Silence) Well?

Hawkeye- Don't rush me im still working on it

(Burns knocks into Houlihan)

Houlihan- Clumsy oaf

Hawkeye- And no prompting from the studio audience please (Looks at his patient) Babies

(Later that night in the swamp, Hawkeye is asleep on his bunk, BJ covers him over with the blanket and then goes to bed himself. Hawkeye sits up)

BJ- You okay Hawk

Hawkeye- Im going out (He gets up and walks out.)

(The scene changes to the Post Op where Father Mulcahy is talking to a patient when Hawkeye walks through)

Mulcahy- Oh Hawkeye

Hawkeye- I'm on my way to a root beer float (He walks through Post Op and out of the door at the other end, passing Burns and Houlihan who are with a patient)

Burns- Look at that daffy Dan I though he was suppossed to be so exhausted. Tom cating around as usual, probably on the prowl for that Nurse Able, Able and willing is the way I get it

Houlihan- Its possible Frank that Captain Pierce just is trying to unwind, after all he did put in a nighteen hour day

Burns- Well what about me?

Houlihan- You slept

Burns- I took a nap

Houlihan- Eight hours Frank is not a nap

Burns- So sue me, the alarm didn't go off

Houlihan- Sure Frank

Burns- Well it was still a long day (Father Mulcahy walks past, Frank stops talking until he has left) I'm human

Houlihan- So?

Burns- I need to unwind to, Margaret im as taught as a watch spring

Houlihan- Your state of taughtness is no longer a concern of mine Major Burns. I happen to be an engaged person

(She walks away to another patient, Burns follows)

Burns- Oh that scent, what is it?

Houlihan- Forbidden Furlo, eight dollars an ounce

Burns- Well its worth it, its driving me mad Margaret

Houlihan- It not intended to do that Major Burns, its to remind me of him

Burns- Oh Margaret, Margaret, I ache for you, I yearn for you, your everything beautiful and fine and noble in this world

Houlihan- Uh huh

Burns- You're the moon, the sun, the stars and heaven, you make the angels feel unworthy

Houlihan- Oh Frank, really

Burns- I know God exists because you exist

Houlihan- I belong to him, you better than anyone ought to know im a one man woman

Burns- You're all woman

Houlihan- Lieutenant Colonel Penobscott's all man

Burns- You smell like a French hooker (He storms off)

(Outside in the compound Klinger is on guard duty. Hawkeye is in his dressing gown playing basketball with an imaginary ball)

Hawkeye- Hiya Scooter

Klinger- Scooter?

Hawkeye- Look at my new tennis shoes

Klinger- Your new what?

Hawkeye- I feel so light, I fell like I could run forever. I feel so free (He throws the imaginary basketball at the basket ball hoop. Klinger looks at him comfused)

Klinger- Yeah I know what you mean I get that feeling with a pair of new pumps. Aint you tired Captain you were in the OR all day and half the night

Hawkeye- What do you think of our new principal, Mr Vanderhaven?

Klinger- Who?

Hawkeye- (Looks at Klingers gun) I like your new BB gun, my dad wont let me get one (He throws the imaginary ball at Klinger who reflexively reacts) See yah Scoot (Hawkeye walks towards the mess tent)

Klinger- Get some sleep Captain

(Two nurses are just coming out of the mess tent as Hawkeye opens the door for them)

Hawkeye- hi

Nurse Able- Hi Hawkeye

Hawkeye- You wanna go down to the park and play ball?

Nurse Able- Er no I think not Hawkeye, it's a little late to play ball

Hawkeye- Ok

(He walks back to the swamp, goes in and lays down)

BJ- Strike out

Hawkeye- Nobody to play with

(The next morning in the mess tent, Hawkeye is yawning whilst getting a cup of coffee. Nurse Able enters)

Nurse Able- You screwball right in front of Nurse Ripley, next time you're in the mood to play ball wait until she goes on duty

(Nurse Able goes and sits down leaving Hawkeye looking very confused. He takes his coffee and joind Klinger, Burns, Potter, Radar and BJ at a table)

BJ- You tired?

Hawkeye- Whats beyond tired?

Radar- Exhausted

Hawkeye- What comes after that?

Klinger- Dead

Hawkeye- Now you're getting warm

Burns- Well what do you expect, wandering around the compound half the night

Hawkeye- Whats he talking about?

BJ- I guess he's talking about your midnight stroll

Hawkeye- Now what are you talking about

Klinger- Hey Captain, no fooling, you were playing basketball sort of

Hawkeye- Dont, dont pull my leg, the shape im in it'll come off

Klinger- You were telling me about your new tennis shoes

Hawkeye- What tennis shoes?

Klinger- You were wearing boots, but you were telling me about this great pair of tennies you got, then you asked me about some guy named vander something or other

Hawkeye- I dont know any Vander something (He begins to get up to leave)

Klinger- You said he was the new principal

(Hawkeye stops dead and looks at Klinger)

Potter- What is it son?

Hawkeye- (Sitting back down) Vanderhaven, he's talking about Clarence Vanderhaven

Radar- I just got a cold shiver down my back

Hawkeye- Me too

BJ- You must have been sleep walking

Hawkeye- I dont sleep walk, I mean I never have

Klinger- How do you know?

Burns- You may have even performed surgery in your sleep

BJ- Voice of experience

Potter- Im sure it's nothing to be overly concerned about Hawkeye, you've just been working too hard. You're not worried about anything special are yah?

Hawkeye- Me worried, what have I got to  worry about, except the chance that I may go to sleep tonight in the swamp and wind up strolling through down town Peking. I was playing basket ball?

Klinger- Yeah, but on the bright side you weren't that bad (He throws an imaginary ball into the air)

(Post Op where Hawkeye is talking to the kid he operated on, Timothy Burke)

Burke- Would you beilieve that two years ago Id never even heard of Korea

Hawkeye- Me neither, but then geography was never my strong subject

Burke- Where are you from?

Hawkeye- Crabapple cove, Maine. you probably heard of it

Burke- It sounds nice, like a place where winnie the Pooh hangs out

Hawkeye- It was a great place to be a kid, there was a stream with fish in it that ran right behind the house, more trees then you climb in a life time and in the fall when the leaves began to turn, you couldn't believe the beauty, it was as if God had invented new colours just for the occasion

Burke- What about the people?

Hawkeye- They never changed colour, always the same, off white

Burke- Come on, what are they like

Hawkeye- The best. The greatest man I ever new was born there and he never wanted to live anywhere else

Burke- Who's that?

Hawkeye- My dad

Burke- How long since you've seen him?

Hawkeye- A life time...Two years

(Later that night Hawkeye and BJ are asleep in the swamp when Hawkeye gets up and walks out into the compound. He throws an imaginary stone and begins to play hopscotch when Radar enters)

Radar- Did you lose something sir?

Hawkeye- Hi Stinky

Radar- (Looks around) Er sir thats the sort of name that sticks with a fella, i'd appreciate it if you'd just call me by my given nickname

Hawkeye- What's cooking Dexter?

Radar- If those are my choices I guess i'll take Stinky it's got a little more pazzazz

(Hawkeye kneels down and begins to play imaginary marbles when Klinger enters)

Klinger- He's at it again

Radar- What do you mean, what are you talking about?

Klinger- He's asleep

Radar- Oh go on, Hawkeye you asleep

Klinger- Don't wake him, he'll get lock jaw

Hawkeye- Before im through im gonna own every purie in Crabapple Cove

Radar- That's spooky

Klinger- Help me get him back to bed

Radar- Right

Hawkeye- What a shot im gonna clean up

Klinger- (Grabbing Hawkeyes arm , while Radar grabs the other they walk him back to the swamp) Here we go

Hawkeye- You see that, you see that shot. What a shot. Hey Stinky

Radar- What?

Hawkeye- Do me a favour will yah, get my marbles, if I leave them out here somebodys gonna swipe em

Radar- Right

Klinger- Come on Hawkeye just a little bit further (They get him into the swamp, he lies down and is asleep) Come on stinky (He leaves)

Radar- I knew it, i knew it (He leaves)

(Hawkeye begins to stir and mumble in his sleep waking BJ up. Hawkeye wakes up screaming with a look of terror in his eyes. BJ runs to him)

Hawkeye- Toby, Toby!

BJ- Hawk, Hawk, it's just a dream. It's ok you had a bad dream

Hawkeye- Oh God it was awful

BJ- What was it?

Hawkeye- Oh god what a dream

BJ- Who's Toby?

Hawkeye- Toby, Toby Wilder, he was my best friend when we were kids, he and I and Dickie Barber, we were the three musketeers. I saw us riding our sledges down Hermitage Hill, we were just kids, we were like eleven or twelve. He was going way to fast, completely out of control. It was if the snow had turned to ice. He was headed for the tree and he kept screaming my name, Hawkeye, Hawkeye

BJ- It was just a dream Hawk

Hawkeye- Yeah sure just a dream, only im shaking like a leaf, my hearts pounding as if I ran ten miles, my palms are sweaty and im not sure but I think I wet the bed

(In the OR the next morning, Hawkeye is opertaing assisted by BJ and Houlihan)

Houlihan- That dream could have been a warning, a preminition

Hawkeye- I dont believe in that stuff

Houlihan- Some people have extra sensory perception

Hawkeye- I knew you were gonna say that

Houlihan- Seriously, have you a more logical explanation

Hawkeye- Scalpel

Houlihan- Scalpel (Hands him a scalpel)

Hawkeye- Are you forgetting im a doctor as well as a card carrying sceptic, i dont believe most of what I can see let alone what I cant

BJ- Look theres no reason to make a big deal out of a little sleep walking and one nightmare

Hawkye- I agree, and believe me I wouldn't if it were happening to anyone else

BJ- Its tension,You've been working too hard and you're not sleeping

Hawkeye- Yeah the only green vegetables I get are martini olives, what do I expect

BJ- Exactly

Hawkeye- Frabkly I think im pregant, I also think im gonna call Toby Wilder. Not because I believe in any of that clairvoyant stuff just because I want to chat with an old friend. See how hes doing, see how the kids are and if it should happen to come up in conversation see if he's been killed on a sledge recently

(Radars office. Radar is filing some paperwork and Hawkeye is on the phone)

Hawkeye- Toby you were flying down hermitage hill and you were heading right for that big oak, you know, and, no really, and you kept calling my name...huh...no i dont owe you thirty seven bucks, listen....Toby I do not owe you thirty seven dollars, listen to me will yah, the sledge was, the,the sl, tob, yes I borrowed the money I admit that but I payed you back years ago..why would I lie. Ok Toby fine, fine, if that's how you feel about it come over here and collect. (The slams the phone down) Next time he gets on a sledge it better not be in my dream

(Later that night in the officers club, Father Mulcahy is playing the piano and Hawkeye and Klinger are at the bar)

Klinger- How can you be so sure you payed?

Hawkeye- Because I always pay my debts. Except for nudists quarterly I ordered that in Franks name. But the point is I was calling eleven thousand miles to try and save his life and all he could do was gripe about thirty seven lousy dollars

Klinger- What's eleven thousand miles got to do with anything. People always talk about long distance phone calls like they had to walk all the way

Hawkeye- That's true. You know Klinger you're not just another pretty face (Klinger turns to look at Hawkeye) Your definately not just another pretty face

Mulcahy- (Stops playing the piano and stands up) Well goodnight all, sleep tight (He leaves)

Klinger- (Yawns and puts his cigar out) Think i'll tuck it in too

Hawkeye- Whats your hurry?

Klinger- Whats with you, are you giving up sleep for lent

Hawkeye- Theres no pint going to bed, ill just be up playing basketball in five minutes. Come on stick around ill buy you a drink

Klinger- Goodnight Captain (He gets up and leaves)

Hawkeye- That's easy for you to say

(In the swamp, Hawkeye sits on the edge of Burns bed where he is asleep)

Hawkeye- Hey, how goes it Frank

Burns- (Confused) What?

Hawkeye- Life?

Burns- Life

Hawkeye- Yeah everything turning out the way you wanted. Are your dreams, aspirations and fantasies shaping up

Burns- You woke me up

Hawkeye- God knows i've tried

Burns- Are you nutsy, I was sleeping

Hawkeye- Yeah, dont rub it in

Burns- Why did you wake me up?

Hawkeye- Because im interested in you Frank. Tell me about your home town

Burns- It's Fort Wayne, what's it to yah?

Hawkeye- I hear Fort Wayne is the Brussels of the mid west. Tell me about the people

Burns- You're crazy Pierce (He lies back down and tries to go back to sleep)

Hawkeye- You wanna hear about my home town

Burns- No

Hawkeye- Crabapple cove, first settled in the year 1684, Popultation 9376

Burns- Fort Waynes bigger than that

Hawkeye- Yeah. you ever been afraid to go to sleep at night Frank?

Burns- Of course not

Hawkeye- Even as a kid

Burns- Well I had a popeye night light when I was little. My dad took it away, he said it was dark twelve hours out of every twenty four and he wouldn't put up with a son who was a coward half the time

Hawkeye- He took away you night light

Burns- It was no big deal, theres nothing in the dark that isnt there in the light

Hawkeye- Why do I find no comfort in that thought (Burns goes back to sleep and Hawkeye goes and lays down on his bunk.)Popeye where are you when I need yah

(The camera changes to a shot of the swamp in the middle of the night. There is silence until it is broken by Hawkeye screaming in terror. Burns wakes up and turns a light on. Hawkeye is sitting in bed with a look of pure terror on his face, screaming. His scream wake Potter up who was also in his tent asleep)

(Hawkeye goes to Radars office and wake Radar up)

Hawkeye- Radar, I've got to call Crabapple cove.

Radar- Huh

Hawkeye- I just had a dream, Dickie Barber, an explosion he was blown into a million pieces

Radar- Wow, a million pieces

Hawkeye- Come on please get up, ive got to call him, ive got to find out if he's ok, ive got to warn him

Radar- (Getting up and going to the phone) Ok (Potter enters) He wants me to call Dickie Barber

Hawkeye- I've just got to hear his voice, ive got to make sure

Potter- Place the call Radar. Anything I can do son

Hawkeye- No

Potter- It'll take time for Radar to get through, why dont you lie down for a little while (He gently takes Hawkeye arm and leads him to radars bed where he lays down) When Hawkeyes finished I want you to place a second call

Radar- Who to?

Potter- Doctor Sidney Freidman

Radar- The pschiatrist

Potter- Shh (Points to Hawkeye laying down on Radars bunk)

(Later in the swamp, Hawkeye and BJ are talking)

Hawkeye- He's fine, Dickie Barber is just fine. My home towns gonna think I turned into a ghoul

BJ- You dream a couple of friends are in danger and you think you might do some good by warning them. I dont think Crabapple Cove is gonna banish you for that

Hawkeye- I think im cracking up

BJ- Hawk

Hawkeye- No im not kidding. How long can a person live without sleep?

BJ- Two weeks but you gotta keep dancing

Hawkeye- Im scared

BJ- You're sitting in the middle of a war, you're suppossed to be scared, it's normal

Hawkeye- No not this scared, not this way

BJ- Whats different?

Hawkeye- It's one thing to live in a shooting gallery but now im being attacked from inside. Im afraid to lie down in my sack, im afraid to close my eyes. How do I defend myself from myself?

(Radars office, Potter is on the phone)

Potter- Thanks doc, and well see you tomorrow, bye (He hands the phone to Radar who puts it down)

Radar- What's the matter with Hawkeye sir?

Potter- I dont know Radar

Radar- Ah gee I thought he was doing ok fighting against the war

Potter- You mean fighting the war dont yah

Radar- No sir I mean the war against the war, you know, we all fight it, you fight it by painting and riding you horse, and I fight it by working hard and taking care of my animals

Potter- Yeah that makes sense

Radar- Yes sir but er Hawkeyes really fought it, he's made fun of it, he knew it was awful but he never let it get him, he never backed down. they ought to give him a medal for the way hes fought this war. The worse it got the more he joked about it

Potter- And now the jokes arent working anymore

 

Radar- No sir. The other sides winning

Potter-It hasnt won yet, one time a kid names David went up against a heavy favourite name Goliath and decked him

Radar- I know about that sir but David wasnt afraid to fall asleep at night

(The next day in the swamp, Hawkeye, BJ, Klinger, Mulcahy, Freidman, Radar and Potter are playing poker)

Freidman- I'm out

Klinger- Me too

Mulcahy-(Lifts his cards up and looks to the sky) That's what I thought

Klinger- Is he ever wrong?

Mulcahy- Only when it comes to poker

Hawkeye- I believe you Radar im going out and im taking my measley pair of nines with me

Potter- You win Radar

Radar- Gees all I had was a pair of sevens. Sorry Hawkeye

Hawkeye- Who'd have thought it would come to this, Radar not only bluffs me out of a pot, he pities me besides. (Stands up) I'm going out for some air

Freidman- Mind if I tag along

Hawkeye- Fine with me doc as long as your couch has wheels on it

(They both step outside)

Freidman- How's it going?

Hawkeye- Well you is the cuckoo expert, im just a cuckoo. Potter call yah?

Freidman- Would you be upset if he had?

Hawkeye- No id appreciate his concern

Freaidman- Im just here to have a couple of drinks, play a little poker and figure out the meaning of life

Hawkeye- Sidney, im afraid to go to sleep

Freidman- So I hear

Hawkeye- And they tell me i've been playing a mean game of zombie basketball

Freidman- They tell me you've been worrying about losing your marbles

Hawkeye- Ah hah, very good (He applauds him)

Freidman- For my next trick ill invent sibling rivalry

Hawkeye- Tell me, whats happening Sidney, im scared sick. Why do I sleepwalk, why do i have these terrible nightmares. I see old pals as clearly as I see you and they're getting zapped. And then I call the States ans they're home watching Milton Burle. If this keeps up people are gonna realise im as crazy as they think I am. What do you think?

Freidman- I think id like to sit down

Hawkeye- Tell me Sidney has my little red choo choo gone chugging around the bend

(They sit down on a bench)

Freidman- You amateurs just cant resist tossing around that psychoanalytic jargon

Hawkeye- Ok have it your way, has my trolley been derailed, am I playing with half a deck, am I driving without my headlights

Freidman- So you've been walking in your sleep, what do you think it means?

Hawkeye- Im walking, im walking towards something, im walking away from something. Im trying to escape

Freaidman- In other words you go to sleep, your subconscious goes for a little walk and brings your body along for company

Hawkeye- Yeah well I dont seem to be getting very far

Freidman- You're making it all the way back to Crabapple Cove to a time where playing ball and shooting marbles, and going on picnics were all there was to worry about

Hawkeye- No more responsibility. No more life and death decisions

Freidman- When pain was a skinned knee

Hawkeye- What about my nightmares?

Freidman- What about them?

Hawkeye- I keep having these dreams about these kids I grew up with and I, the dreams startb out ok, the kids are fine and then they end in disaster

Freidman- Like those kids who role past you on that blood assembly line. You dream to escape but the war invades your dream and you wake up screaming. The dream is peaceful, reality id the nightmare

Hawkeye- Am I crazy Sidney?

Freidman- No, a bit confused, a little freschimelled is all. Actually Hawkeye you're probably the sanest person i've ever known. Fact is if you were crazy you sleep like a baby

Hawkeye- When will do nightmares end?

Freidman- When this big one ends most of the others should go away, but theres a  lot of suffering going on here Hawkeye and you cant avoid it, you cant even dream it away

Hawkeye- Your very reassuring Sidney, you've got a heck of a warside manner

Freidman- Lets cut out this kids stuff and play some ball (He gets up and begins to play imaginary basketball

Hawkeye- Hey your pretty bad (Hawkeye joins him)

Radar- (Looking through the door in the swamp) Look at that will yah

Klinger- Is it any wonder I cant get a section eight, in this outfit you wanna be crazy you gotta stand in line

(The next morning Hawkeye is walking through the compound and is joined by Klinger)

Klinger- Do you think it's gonna work?

Hawkeye- Come again

Klinger- Is Freidman buying it?

Hawkeye- It?

Klinger- The stick, the routine, listen i've been kicking myself for not coming up with it on my own, it beautiful, little basketball, little marbles, little blood curdling scream in the dead of night. I doff my chapeau. It subtle, its artistic and you dont have to worry about the fickle winds of fashion

Hawkeye- True Klinger but then ill never have the rapture of the warm lingering looks that follow you constantly

Klinger- It is an act isnt it?

Hawkeye- (Stuffs one hand in his shirt, grabs Klingers arm and speaks  in a French accent) Mes oui Josephine, i'm as sane as you

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Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
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