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TRANSCRIPT:
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(The scene begins in the OR where Hawkeye and BJ are operating, assisted by Major Houlihan)

Hawkeye- Scissors

Houlihan- Scissors (Passes him the scissors but misses his hand and they end up on the floor

Hawkeye- In my hand not my foot

Houlihan- Sorry

Hawkeye- Cut this (Holds up a length of thread. She goes to cut it near the top) No, no, down here not up there

Houlihan- Sorry

BJ- You're full of sorrys today

Houlihan- Im sorry

Burns-(Who is operating on a patient across the room) Oh you don't have to be snotty doctors

Hawkeye- What can I say dear after ive said im sorry

Burns- Always a comeback. All closed. Orderly. (He walks over to Hawkeye) Ha, ha I finished first

Hawkeye- And my nurse can beat up your nurse

BJ- Your nurse can beat up him

(Burns stands behind an xray of the patients chest while taking off his gloves. Hawkeye looks over at him)

Hawkeye- Oh my God there's a rotten cantaloupe in this mans stomach

BJ- You're looking at Franks rotten head

Burns- Doctors are supposed to be comrades in arms

Hawkeye- Yeah, you wanna tango (To Houlihan) Well leave the skin and subcue open, ill close in five days

Houlihan- Yes doctor

Burns- Always put off today what you can do tomorrow

Hawkeye- Frank when was the last time you had your gums bled. Klinger!

(Klinger enters wearing a nurses uniform)

Klinger- Sire you beckoned the Prince of Toleto

BJ- Post op Prince for some intensive caring (BJ and Klinger carry the patient out)

(Houlihan takes off her mask and winces with pain, holding her side)

Burns- You alright Major

Houlihan- Slight twinge. Indigestion

Hawkeye- Last nights chicken beaks

Burns- No she's really sick

Hawkeye- Yeah, let me see (He checks her eyes) You're going to meet a tall dark stranger who sells insurance out of a rumble seat (She storms off, and Burns glares at Hawkeye) Well that's what I saw

(Cut to outside in the scrub room where Hawkeye and BJ are taking off their surgical scrubs when Potter enters)

Potter- (Singing merrily) China town, my china town

BJ- Hey what's up Colonel?

Potter- Im going to Tokyo

Hawkeye- Hey thats terrific

Potter- Mildred got a flight to Tokyo and I got a week r and r

Houlihan- How romantic, a second honeymoon

Burns- Oh at his age they dont romance anymore

Potter- Like hell, how do you think I got these bags under my eyes. During my absence the second in command will be in charge

Burns- I strongly resent that

Hawkeye- Unfortunately he means you Frank

Burns- Of course I knew that. Command accepted sir (He salutes)

Potter- Hot dog

Burns- Some people around here are going to have to get up on their toes

Hawkeye- I dont think im up to it

BJ- My tutus in the cleaners

Burns- Oh go fry an egg

Potter- Well I got things to do (He leaves singing, followed by Hawkeye and BJ) China town, my China town

(Cut to Hawkeye, Potter and BJ walking through the compound)

BJ- Colonel Burns isn't fit to command

Potter- No sweat, Radar runs the outfit anyway

BJ- Yeah but he makes crazy rules. Chew your food a hundred times

Hawkeye- I showed the fink, I swallowed my steak whole

(Klinger comes running around the corner)

Klinger- Colonel

Potter- Klinger

Klinger- When your in Tokyo would you ask Mrs Potter if she could find this material (Hands him a small square of material) In Goldsteins and Aginza

Potter- I'll ask

Klinger- I'll need three yards, make if four, im putting in pleats. Red is okay, blue is okay but no aquamarine

Potter- Why not?

Hawkeye- It matches his skin

Klinger- Nobody would know it was there

(Cut to Potters office where Potter enters still followed by Hawkeye and BJ)

Potter- Why are you so worried about Burns being in charge you never follow orders anyway

Hawkeye- Thats not the point, Burns is an irritant

BJ- Like fingernails on a blackboard

Potter- I hate that sound

BJ- Cant you do something

Potter- Like sit him down, have a talk with him

Hawkeye- No, like stand him up and have him shot

Potter- Dont be ubsurd, there'd be an enquiry

BJ- Hey I have an idea you could take him to Tokyo

Hawkeye- Yeah he could be your travelling companion

BJ- Tote your barge

Hawkeye- Post your bail

Potter- I can tote my own barge thankyou. Look what this boils down to is who gets stuck with Burns

Hawkeye- Uh huh

Potter- If you were in command what would you do?

Hawkeye- I'd take him to Tokyo

Potter- That's why you're not in command. Dismissed

(They look at each other dissapointed and leave)

(Cut to the scrub room where Burns is helping Major Houlihan put her shirt on over her t shirt)

Houlihan- (Winces with pain) Ah

Burns- That pain again?

Houlihan- Yes Major

Burns- Margaret when you're sick cant you call me Frank

Houlihan- You know im an engaged person

Burns- Let me probe your abdomen

Houlihan- You'll go insane

Burns- No I wont. I'm not an animal im a doctor. I can curb my lust

Houlihan- Very well (She turns to face him, he goes to probe her abdomen but grabs her and tries to kiss her)

Burns- Margaret

Houlihan- (Pulls away) I knew it, I knew it

Burns- Sorry, it was last nights chilli

Houlihan- Im afraid I have a bad appendix

Burns- (Excited) Let me operate, please let me operate

Houlihan- It isnt necessary it isnt a hot appendix, its  chronic

Burns- Let me remove it, ill put it in a nice mason jar with a little alcohol, and ill bring you ice cream with chocolate sauce and perhaps even some Oreo cookies

Houlihan- No

Burns- Margaret, show me some consideratioon, let me cut you open

(Cut to the compound and Sophie, the colonels horse in her pen. Potter is looking at her hoof while Radar strokes her back)

Radar- Is she okay sir?

Potter- Sometimes she favours this hoof

Radar- Bet its those army shoes

Potter- They aint army, they were made by a Korean blacksmith, Hop along Lang. Next time I shoe her myself

Radar- You know how?

Potter- I can put horse shoes on a mosquito

Radar- Gees sir is there anything you cant do

Potter- Yeah, get rid of this gas (He pats his stomach)

Radar- Last nights chilli

Potter- Like eating a volcano. (Pats Sophie) Give her a grroming every other day she likes that

Radar- Oh I know sir once she smiled at me with her nice big yellow teeth

Potter- Give her plenty of salt, plenty of water. I like regular irrigation

Radar- You sound just like my mum. She always says, better to hold the phone then get a kidney stone

Potter- Wonderful woman. You'll be in good hands sweetheart Radars gonna take care of you. You know Radar being away from Mrs Potter this mares been a blessing

Radar- She knows your leaving sir, look at her eyes

Potter- Like Faye Raye

Radar- I dont know her

Potter- King Kong this big monkey carried her to the top of the Empire State building

Radar- Wow. Id heard there were some weirdos in New York

(Cut to Potter tent where he is busy packing when there is a knock at the door)

Potter- Come (Major Houlihan enters) Turn around for a second Major let me get decent (She turns around and faces the door while Potter quickly pulls his shirt on over his t-shirt) Something on your mind

Houlihan- (Turns around to face Potter) Sir request permission to go Tokyo and have my appendix removed

Potter- You got a hot one

Houlihan- Chronic, occassional flare up

Potter- That can go on for years, why remove a muffler just because it backfires once in a while

Houlihan- Well s...

Announcer- Attention all personnel we have winners of the Abbott and Costello look alike contest

Houlihan- Colonel the reason I...

Potter- Hold it im entered in this

Announcer- The winners are Corporal Klinger and Prisoner of War Chang Suk Yin

Potter- Darn it I knew they'd bring in a ringer

Announcer- The winners receive a Norman Rockwell print clipped from last Saturday evening post

Potter- Lucky buggers. Where were we?

Houlihan- My appendix

Potter- Oh yeah, I cant recommend elective surgery but if she flares up weve got a whole korale of surgeons here

Houlihan- Oh Colonel, Major Burns usually handles the simple operations and I dont want him to touch me

Potter- Oh, now the skunk is out of the bag

Houlihan- If my appendix becomes acute

Potter- God forbid

Houlihan- God forbid. Can you arrange for Doctor Pierce to operate

Potter- I'll give him the word (She shakes his hand and walks towards the door) Keep a firm abdomen

Houlihan- haha. I'm sorry you lost sir (She leaves)

Announcer- Attention Corporal Klinger will accept the Rockwell print by himself, Chang Suk Yin has escaped

(Cut to the compound later that day. Radar and the Colonel emerge from the Colonels tent carrying suitcases and put them into a waiting jeep)

Potter- Radar so I can read on the plane get me that book by Hugo Schlecter

Radar- Schlecter

Potter- How to sweat with closed pores, dermatologist

Radar- Yes sir (He goes back into Potters tent)

(Klinger approaches Potter, wearing army uniform)

Klinger- Sir

Potter- Klinger. No pearls, no dress. How come you're out of uniform?

Klinger- Gave up trying to get a dsicharge sir, im so depressed

Potter- Depressed. You just won a Normal Rockwell print

Klinger- I know but im so down in the dumps

Potter- Buck up son, ill bring you back that material from Tokyo, you'll make yourself a beautiful evening gown, you'll feel like a new man

Klinger- That's what I wanted to tell you Colonel, you dont have to bother

Potter- How about a nice pair of nylons, send your morale a mile high

Klinger- No thanks anyway

(Radar comes out of Potters tent with his book and hands it too him)

Radar- Found your book sir. Hey Klinger congratulations on the contest you lucky guy

Klinger- Dummy up

Radar- Gees for a guy who looks like Abbott and Costello he sure has no sense of humour

Potter- I still think I should have won that contest. Whos on first?

Radar- What?

Potter- What's on second

(Potter climbs into the jeep just as Hawkeye comes running up to him)

Hawkeye- Ah, glad I caught you Colonel

Potter- Yeah Hawkeye

Hawkeye- I was helping Father Mulcahy look at some pictures, he's got to pick the nun of the week (He takes a wad of notes from his pocket)

Potter- Dedicated man

Hawkeye- Look on the Ginza theres a little newspaper magazine right across the street from Goldsteins. Would you get me this months issue of Nudist frolics, Naked health and the Bear backed news (Hands him three notes)

Potter- I'll be in uniform I cant go in there

Hawkeye- Ask Mrs Potter

Potter- Okay she's a good scout. You really go for those nudey magazines dont yah

Hawkeye- Only to check the volleyball scores

Potter- Ever go to one of those skin farms

Hawkeye- Once, didn't have the nerve to put down my eucalalie

(Radar enters)

Radar- Sir your plane leaves Kimpo in one hour

Potter- Right. Oh Hawkeye I almost forgot. If Major Houlihans appendix has to come out she wants you to do the job

Hawkeye- What about Burns and his ten magic thumbs?

Potter- She put the Kaibosh on him

Hawkeye- Zorro will leave his mark

Potter- Take care of the mare Radar

Radar- Yo

(Potter drives off)

(Cut to Houlihans tent where she is hanging her washing on the line when there is a knock at the door)

Houlihan- Go away Frank, I told you not to bother me

(The door opens and its Hawkeye)

Hawkeye- Hola brush man, I have a special today. A back scratcher in the form of a naked doctor

Houlihan- Did I say come in?

Hawkeye- Only part of me is in, the best part is still outside. (He enters closing the door behind him) I didn't come to see you, just your appendix

Houlihan- We can discuss my appendix in the OR, Post Op any place but here

Hawkeye- No its wednesday, I always make tent calls. You know that robe does something for you, it does something for me too

Houlihan- Watch it doctor

Hawkeye- Im just a growing boy with active glands

Houlihan- When your in my tent you'll curb your glands

Hawkeye- Next time ill leave them tied up outside

Houlihan- Why are such skillful medical hands attached to someone like you?

Hawkeye- Sorry I come as a set. Potter told me about your problem so Major if you'll just lie down there

Houlihan- Oh no, no, no, no

Hawkeye- Your lips say no, no, no but your appendix says yes, yes, yes

Houlihan- My appendix does not bother me, when it flares up ill call you

Hawkeye- You know when you're angry you look just like Victor Mature

Houlihan- Please leave

Hawkeye- Margaret a pre operation grope is essential

Houlihan- Well

Hawkeye- And fun

Houlihan- No (She grabs a doll from her bed and points to the dolls right side) Here it hurts right here (Hawkeye takes the doll and lifts up her skirt) You swine (She snatches it back)

Hawkeye- What. You know

(Cut to the compound Radar is walking across the compound towards Sophies stable)

Radar- Radars coming Sophie, you're gonna have a nice brush and rub (He looks up towards the stable to see Sophie lying down) Holy socks!

(Cut to the swamp. Hawkeye is preparing a syringe)

BJ- Ready doctor

Hawkeye- Ready (He throws the syringe across the room into a dart board that is hanging on the door) Hah, you now owe me three thousand four hundred and twenty seven dollars

BJ- (Walks across the room to retrieve the syringe from the dart board) You want diners?

Hawkeye- No credit Elroy

BJ- Take a travellers check

Hawkeye- Sure

BJ- (Sits back down) Ill find a traveller, you take his check (BJ gets ready to throw just as Radar enters)

Radar- (Screams) Aah. Sirs im sorry the Colonels mare is lying down, her eyes and her nose are running

Hawkeye- I told you to shovel out that korale

BJ- Hawk when a horse is down it means she's sick

Hawkeye- Look I come from Maine, all ive ever done is taken lobsters thermadore

Radar- Somethings wrong

Hawkeye- Probably mal de mare

BJ- Radar you sure she wasnt just rolling over in the manure

Hawkeye- As a little pick me up

Radar- No no shes sick I know it and I promised to take care of her. Come one just take a look

Hawkeye- No I dont make stable calls

Radar- But this is serious Colonel Potter will have me executed and court marshalled

BJ- Come on Hawk lets take a look

Hawkeye- I'm not a veterenarian

BJ- You're a veteran

Hawkeye- Close enough for jazz (They all get up to leave. Hawkeye grabs his stethescope on the way out) Lets go play horsey

(Cut to the stable where Sophie is still lying down)

Radar- These fellas are people doctors but they know where you keep everything

BJ- Watch the legs Hawk

Hawkeye- Yeah ill watch the legs you tell her not to kick me

BJ- Dont kick him Sophie

Hawkeye- Thanks. Hope she knows im a doctor

BJ- Show her your diploma

Radar- Oh come on guys stop horsing around (They laugh half heartedly) You know what I mean

BJ- Try your stethescope

Hawkeye- (Speaks into his stethescope) Hello, hello. Yeah it works fine

BJ- On the horse

Hawkeye- Oh the big brown thing

BJ- Yes

Hawkeye- (Listens to her heart) Uh huh

BJ- Anything. Congestion

Hawkeye- I'm picking up Eddie Arcaro

Radar- Oh for pete sakes

Hawkeye- I dont hear a thing. Maybe the speakers broken

BJ- Maybe she's not plugged in

Radar- (Angrily) Oh hell

BJ- What?

Radar- (Angrily) You heard me H-E- Double toothpicks. You guys dont care

Hawkeye- Hey, hey Radar take it easy

BJ- Sure we care

Hawkeye- Who delivered your guinea pigs triplets, Manny, Mo and Jack. Who gave your chicken an aspirin when it got hysterical

Radar- You sir

BJ- Who belted Major Burns when he wanted to cook your rabbit for easter

Radar- You sirs

Hawkeye- What you have to underdstand Radar is that we just dont know anything about horses

Radar- Well she's a mare

BJ- Gender not withstanding

Hawkeye- Radar why dont you call Colonel Potter

Radar- Oh no I couldnt do that, he'll kill me

BJ- Hey, my father in laws been in Oklahoma for fifty years

Hawkeye- Once your in a road company it's very hard to get back to broadway.

BJ- He lives there. He knows all about horses, cows pigs, all that stuff

Radar- What town does he live in?

BJ- Qwapa

Hawkeye- Where else. A gas station, a grocery store and a fashionable restaurant called Eats

BJ- Radar can you patch in a call to Qwapa, Oklahoma

Radar- I can sure try

BJ- Lets go (BJ and Radar begin to walk away) Oh Hawk take the horses temperature

Hawkeye- By law there should be a nurse present

BJ- I'll leave the door open (They leave)

Hawkeye- Would you take off your coat please

(Cut to Radars office where Radar is on the phone)

Radar- Sparky.. Hi its Radar. How you doing? .... Good. Listen Sparky we want to patch a call through to Qwapa, Oklahoma....Qwapa...Yeah look I know your busy but...Its not a personal call, its an animal call...Gees you dont have to shout my head off, our CO's mare is sick... (He shakes his head at BJ)

BJ- Make him a deal

Radar- Like what?

BJ- Try some aftershave lotion

Radar- No, it irritates his pimples. Think Captain Pierce would part with some of his nudist magazines

BJ- (Shakes his head) Sacrelige. (Points to the clipboard on Radars desk) Try a movie

Radar- (Back on the phone) Hey Sparky, how would you like a movie...No its not a VD movie, it's a real movie. We got a Rita Hayworth picture, Gilda....Huh...No, no indians but a lot of hugging, kissing and other violence....Okay.Terrific well hang on. (To BJ) He's going through to Honolulu

BJ- Great (Hawkeye enters) What's her temperature?

Hawkeye- I dropped the thermometer in the korale. The temperature of the manure is 62 degrees

Radar- Sparky...Yeah, good. He's through to Honolulu

Hawkeye- Love the booze, hate the music

Radar- Ok. He's got Seattle. Hey it's yesterday there

Hawkeye- It's today here

BJ- Its always today here

Hawkeye- What about tomorrow

BJ- Good point

Hawkeye- I wasn't born yesterday

Radar- Yeah Sparky. Oklahoma city, right. (To BJ) What's the name of your father in law?

BJ- Floyd Hayden

Hawkeye- Come on

BJ- No really

Radar- You got Qwapa, good. Ok look we're looking for a Mr Floyd Hayden. H-a-y-d-e-n

Hawkeye- M-o-u-s-e

Radar- Its ringing

BJ- (Takes the phone from Radar) Hello, hello (To Hawkeye) It's still ringing. (On the phone) Pa it's BJ...No im not at the bus station im still in Korea...No were not still fighting the Germans Pa that was your war....Huh...Yeah I get a letter from Peg every day

Hawkeye- Come on, come on

Radar- The horse

BJ- Look Pa I cant hold on to long, we need your help. We got a sick horse here, a mare. She's down...(To Hawkeye) What's her heartrate

Hawkeye- Fifty

BJ- (On the phone) Fifty (To Hawkeye) To fast

Hawkeye- Well look

Radar- Could it be emotional

Hawkeye- Could be Colonel Potter hasn't taken her out for a week

BJ- Ah hah, hold on a minute Floyd (To Hawkeye) Any growling in her stomach

Hawkeye- Silencio

BJ- Not a sound...ah hah...ah hah...ok right. Thanks Pa, you take care of yourself now. Yeah I miss you too. Oh do me a favour will you

Hawkeye- There's more

BJ- Call Peg and tell her everythings fine, except the horse, right. Thanks (He hangs up the phone)

Radar- What?

Hawkeye- What?

BJ- Too much dry grass, not enough water. She's got cholic

Radar- Oh  thats serious

BJ- Floyd says it could kill her

Hawkeye- Cholic?

BJ- Intestines are blocked. We got to keep her on her feet so they wont twist. And we got to clean her out, lots and lots of warm water

Hawkeye- I think i'll stroll up to the front to see how the shootings going

(Cut to the compound where Hawkeye and BJ are standing next to the water tower with a hose)

Hawkeye- Hook this to the spigget up there

BJ- Looks awful high

Hawkeye- You want the other end

BJ- Its not so high

(He takes the hose and climbs up the tower)

Hawkeye- Upsie daisie

BJ- I love you daddy

(Father Mulcahy enters)

Mulcahy- My word what's all the excitement about Hawkeye?

Hawkeye- Colonel Potters horse is congested, we're trying to help her out

Mulcahy- You're a good christian

Hawkeye- Halalula

Mulcahy- I mean that sincerely Hawkeye, Sophie's one of Gods creatures too

Hawkeye- Sometimes we all need a helping hand

(Hawkeye and Mulcahy walk over to Sophies stable where Radar is with Sophie)

Radar- Hey Hawkeye she's trying to lay down again

BJ- Walk her around. Keep her moving

Hawkeye- A voice from above

Radar- Easy sweetheart its not going to hurt, the waters warm. Come on (He takes her reigns and begins to walk her around in a circle)

Hawkeye- In Atlantic city this would cost you seven fifty

Mulcahy- Is it serious. Do you want me to pray?

Hawkeye- You got a horse prayer father?

Mulcahy- I did one for a great dane with peritinitus

Hawkeye- Great calling

Mulcahy- So be it

Hawkeye- Keep her moving Radar

Radar- Yo

(Cut back to BJ on top of the water tower. A chain of people has formed.)

BJ- Start the warm water (The chain of people begin to pass buckets of water up to him which he emptys into the water tower)

(Cut back to Hawkeye and Father Mulcahy)

Hawkeye- Take your loved ones and move to higher ground. (To BJ) Is it warm enough?

BJ- Just right

(Cut back to Radar and Sophie)

Radar- I know just how you feel hunny I once chewed a whole pack of gum with a bag of potato chips

Hawkeye- Ready

Radar- I am but the mares a little tense

Hawkeye- Helps on the way. Stand by

Mulcahy- Stand by

Nurse Kelly- Stand by

BJ- Standing by

Nurse Kelly- Standing by

Mulcahy- Standing by

Radar- Stand by

Hawkeye- Turn it on

Mulcahy- Turn it on

Nurse Kelly- Turn it on

BJ- Here she comes

Nurse Kelly- Here she comes

Mulcahy- Here she comes

Radar- Oy

BJ- How's it going

Mulcahy- How'w it going

Radar- Terrific

Hawkeye- Hold the water

Mulcahy- Hold the water

Nurse Kelly- Hold the water

BJ- Holding

(Sophie gives a loud neigh and the wall of her stable shakes as though she has kicked it. Hawkeye appears around the corner, smiling and gives BJ the ok sign. BJ signs ok back. Everyone claps and cheers)

(Cut to Radars office where he is on the phone)

Radar- Yeah Sparky the horse is doing just fine. Oh how was that movie we sent yah...It wasn't Gilda, oh gee it said so on the box... Ecstacy with Hetty Lamar, im sorry Sparky. Hope your not mad... She wha...naked...with no clothes on...in the woods. Well when are you gonna send the film back...well when will you guys be finished watching it....what do you mean next year (The sound of a jeep horn can be heard outside) Hey listen Colonel Potters coming in now. I want that film back.

(Colonel Potter pulls up outside the office in his jeep and Radar runs out to meet him)

Radar- Welcome home Colonel Potter sir

Potter- Hiya Radar

Radar- How's Mrs Potter

Potter- Bought herself a ten speed bicycle

Radar- Gee she's really swell (He begins to unload the bags from the jeep)

Potter- Get my bags in my tent and unpack them right away will you Radar. I've got some damp shorts in there, dont want em to mildew

Radar- (In unison with Potter) Dont want to get the mildewed

Potter- How's  everything?

Radar- Just fine sir

Potter- How's the mare?

Radar- Clean as a whistle, inside and out

Potter- good

(Cut to Potters office where Klinger is curled up in the fetal position on top of Potters desk. Potter enters)

Potter- Klinger

Klinger- Present

Potter- Radar didn't tell me you were in here

Klinger- Im not speaking to anybody

Potter- What the hell are you doing on my desk?

Klinger- Depressed 110%

Potter- This is it. Non functioning

Klinger- The end of lifes highway

Potter- What a shame. (He gets some papers from his desk draw) Well what can I do ill arrange a discharge

Klinger- What was that sir?

Potter- Severe depression is a ticket home

Klinger- (Sits up) I'll be packed in an hour. Im free. Laverne here I come. Romancing and dancing. (He gets down from the desk and begins to dance around, ecstatic that he's going home. Realising Potter is watching him he stops dead) Just blew it didn't I?

Potter- Yep (He tears up the discharge papers)

Klinger- Now im really depressed

Potter- Buck up soldier I got the material for your dress

Klinger- The blue or the red?

Potter- The red

Klinger- Hot damn

(He begins to walk towards the door)

Potter- Klinger

Klinger- Sir

Potter- Like to see you do that top hat number for the wounded

Klinger- In the red dress

Potter- You'll kille em

(He dances his way out of the office, and Burns enters)

Burns- Colonel that mans a lunatic

Potter- Yeah but light on his feet. What is it Burns im exhausted

Burns- (Pulls out a little black book) Well sir while you were gone Pierce committed six major infractions of military regulations

Potter- What were they?

Burns- Number one, in the mess tent yesterday he made a face at me

Potter- He did

Burns- Yes sir he crossed his eyes and stuck out his tongue, like this (He crosses his eyes and sticks out his tongue)

Potter- (Takes a deep breath) I dont have to hear the other five, ill take the appropraite action

Burns- Good, so what are you going to do?

Potter- I'm going to sleep. Case dismissed

(Burns turns around and walks out the door. As he leaves Potter crosses his eyes and sticks out his tongue)

(Later that night. Hawkeye, Burns and BJ are asleep, when Houlihan can be seen leaving her tent, holding her side in pain and walking over to the swamp. She enters)

Houlihan- Hawkeye. Hawkeye

Hawkeye- (Wakes up) Huh, what?

Houlihan- Temperatures high, pulse is rapid, I cant stand it anymore

Hawkeye- Im ready, your tent or my fathers chevie

Houlihan- My appendix

Hawkeye- Ok , ok, ok(He sits up and puts on his boots) You know it's funny how I always seem to arrive at three o clock in the morning (He throws a pillow at the still sleeping BJ)

BJ- (Waking up after being hit on the head with the pillow) Hey, what?

Hawkeye- Appendix

BJ- Never heard of him

Hawkeye- Come on. Margarets got to have her appendix out and I need a gas passer

BJ- (Getting up) Ok, ok send me in coach

Houlihan- Oh my God it hurts

Hawkeye- Ok come on (He grabs her arm and helps her up)

Houlihan- I'm sorry I had to wake you

Hawkeye- Forget it i've been asleep for fifteen minutes

(They walk out, Houlihan being supported by Hawkeye and BJ. As they leave Burns head pops up from the blanket)

(Cut to the OR where Houlihan is on the table. BJ is ready with the anaesthetic and Hawkeye is about to operate. Nurse Kelly is assisting and Potter and Mulcahy is observing)

Hawkeye- You ready Beej

BJ- Ready when you are

Houlihan- Kelly remember Dr Pierce prefers to work with curved blades

Kelly- Yes ma'am

Houlihan- And seperate your large from your small needles

Potter- Houlihan dont kibets you're the patient

Mulcahy- Funny how these things always happen in the wee hours of the morning

(Burns enters without a mask)

Burns- Why wasn't I called

Potter- Mask!

Burns- I should be doing this surgery. I know Major Houlihans appendix better then all of you

Potter- Burns she asked for Pierce

Burns- I dont believe it

Mulcahy- Great deal of comflict here

Potter- You said it brother, er father. Burns she doesn't want you here

Burns- Im not leaving till I here it from her own lips

Houlihan- Listen to these lips Frank, get out

Burns- She's delirious

Houlihan- Out!

Burns- I hope you have a big scar

(Potter pushes him out of the door)

Hawkeye- Can we get on with this Ive got to get up in an hour and go to work

BJ- Alright Margaret, relax and take a nice deep breath

Houlihan- I'm supposed to say that

(She breaths in the gas and is knocked out)

Hawkeye- Now lets have some fun

(Cut to the compound where Hawkeye and Houlihan are walking)

Hawkeye- It's important to get on your feet the second or third day

Houlihan- Thanks for doing such a wonderful job

Hawkeye- I'll throw in a guarantee. Every thousand miles i'll throw in a guarantee

(The camera zooms in on Potter)

Potter- The important thing after an experience like this my dear is to keep moving (The camera moves back and we see that he is out walking Sophie alongside Hawkeye and Houlihan) That a girl, you know you could have wound up with a knot in your intestine

(Sophie winnies)

Hawkeye- (Look over at Potter and Sophie) Did you say something?

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Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
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