The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of ANGELA PATERSON.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(The scene begins in the OR. Burns is sitting down whilst sowing his patient up. A nurse holds a glass of orange jucie for him which he drinks through a straw. The camera pans over to Hawkeye who is also in the OR. A nurse walks past, he calls her over)

Hawkeye- Nurse

Nurse- Yes doctor

Hawkeye- Scratch please, left inferscapula (She scrathes his back) Aah bullseye

BJ- (Operating at the next table) Lucky shot

Nurse- Lucky shot nothing, I know my anatomy

Hawkeye- I wish I knew your anatomy like you know your anatomy

BJ- Anybody, time?

Houlihan- About o 1 hundred

Potter- O 1 hundred, I worked around the clock

Hawkeye- Sure beats working around here

BJ- I'm so bushed I cant remember my last patient

Hawkeye- He had quintuplets

BJ- Oh yeah

Burns- Silencio. I mean how can I operate with all this flapdoodle going on

BJ- Where there's a war there's a way Frank. Wipe (A nurse wipes his brow)

Potter- How many more out there

Houlihan- I counted nineteen when I came in

Potter- Nineteen, there were nineteen two hours ago

Hawkeye- They restock the shelves when they run out

Burns- I'm closing Colonel, couple more minutes and I can take over for you

Potter- Why?

Burns- Why? Well you must be dog tired

Potter- Yes but why me more than anyone else

Burns- Oh because your old (Potter scowls at him) Older then the rest of us sir and you look dead...beat

Potter- Major I can match you incision for incision, suture for suture, clamp for clamp, patient for patient

Hawkeye- But not goof for goof

Burns- Oh mind your own kipper Pierce. Sir I was only trying to...

Potter- I know what you were trying to do. I was the first man in, ill be the last man out, if they have to carry me out

(Cut to Radars office where Klinger is doing some filing. He reaches for his cigar from the ashtray on top of the filing cabinet, but discovers it's not there. He frantically opens the draws of the cabinet until the third one where he finds his still lighted cigar. He takes it out and has a puff. Egor enters with a parcel)

Egor- Hi Klinger. (Hands him a letter) For Radar

Klinger- I'll give it to the fink when he gets back

Egor- Why fink?

Klinger- Because everytime the fink gets a four day pass I get stuck with the job. I may look like the perfect secretary but id rather dig latrines. (Holds his hands out) Look at those nails

Egor- (Hands him the parcel) Here for you

Klinger- (Excitedly opens it) Do you know what this is? This is the end of my brilliant military career

Egor- You're crazy

Klinger- Not anymore, I got something better then crazy.

(Cut to Potters office where Potter is painting a picture of Hawkeye. Hawkeye is sitting with his feet on the desk holding a glass of whisky in the air)

Potter- If Frank Burns makes anymore patronising cracks about my age i'll take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tyres

Hawkeye- He didn't mean anything by it Colonel, he was only trying to insult you

(Klinger enters dressed as a Gypsy and carrying a tamborine)

Klinger- Colonel i've got to talk to you right away

Potter- Klinger go put on a dress

Klinger- Pardon me sir, did you call me Klinger?

Potter- If you aren't Klinger who the Sam Hill are you?

Hawkeye- Sam Hill maybe

Klinger- I am Zolton, King of the Gypsies (He shakes his tamborine)

Hawkeye- He just made my day

Potter- Zolton, King of the Gypsies. You're talking yourself into a courtmarshall soldier

Klinger- You can't court marshall me im not in the army

Potter- Not in the army

Klinger- No sir im not an American citizen

Hawkeye- I think he's onto something good here

Potter- I wouldn't miss it for all the chipped beef in Korea. Klinger, how can you be King of the Gypsies when you're Lebaniese?

Klinger- Good question. I was stolen from the Gypsies by two ruthless Lebanese peasents who brought me up as their own flesh and blood

Hawkeye- I like this

Potter- hmhm (Gestures so so with his hand)

Klinger- Look a signed confession from the culprits (Hands him a piece of paper)

Potter- It's a signed confession alright

Klinger- And i've been elected King of my whole tribe. This is an urgent request to return and ascend the throne (Hands him another piece of paper)

Potter- Sorry I don't read Gypsy

Klinger- Take my word for it

Potter- Of course

Klinger- (Walks towards the door) I'll be waiting in my tent with my bags packed

Potter- You'll have a long wait

Klinger- Sir, my people need me (He shakes his tamborine)

Potter- Klinger if I bought this story they'd boot me out of the army

Klinger- It's true, now I know why the sound of violins sets my blood on fire, why im so attracted to store front windows, why when I smell paprika I think towards Budapest, why I have the urge to roam

Potter- Zolton, roam the hell out of here

Klinger- Would you like your tealeaves read?

Hawkeye- I prefer them green

Potter- Dismissed

Klinger- (He leaves while singing) Play Gypsy, Dance Gypsy, Play while you waaaaaaa (Yelps in pain)

Hawkeye- I think the King just gave himself a hernia (He goes to drink the whisky he is holding, then remembers he's supposed to be posing holds the glass up again and smiles.)

(Cut to the mess tent where BJ and Burns are in the line for food)

Burns- No more rhubarb Private

Cook- All gone sir

Burns- All gone sir, id like to know why rhubarb always disappears the minute I show up

BJ- It's not just rhubarb Frank, people disappear

Burns- Stay out of this snoopy sam

BJ- Frank why do you always give me a bad time everytime I give you a bad time

Burns- Oh, blow it out your bagpipe (They walk over to a table where Houlihan is already eating) Hello Major, may I join you for some pleasant conversation

Houlihan- Sure Major, sit down and keep your mouth shut

(Hawkeye and Potter enter and sit down at the table)

Potter- We just got a call from Korean Army Hospital 426, they're screaming for supplies and surgeons

Hawkeye- They're up to their scalpels in casualties and they need our help

Burns- For crimaneys sakes, we're surgeons not supermen

Houlihan- You can say that again

Burns- Oh are you comparing us to your Colonel Penobscott again

Houlihan- If Donald were here he'd be the first one to volunteer

Hawkeye- That's how he became engaged, she asked for volunteers

(Burns laughs)

Houlihan- I heard that

(The cook brings Colonel Potter a bowl of rhubarb)

Cook- Here's your rhubarb sir

Burns- Oh sure

Houlihan- I'll volunteer sir, just say the word

Potter- Sorry Major, they didn't ask for nurses and im not offering. Im dispatching two surgeons and all the supplies a jeep can carry

Burns- Well, now how do we pick the two surgeons

Hawkeye- Alphabetically is fine with me

Burns- Oh sure, Captain Pierce begins with a P and that puts Major Burns with a B right at the top

Hawkeye- Really

Potter- Dont blow your top yet Major, it wont be alphabetical

Burns- I suggest straws sir, two shortest out of three gets the duty

Potter- Where do you get three?

Burns- Well Burns one, Pierce two, Hunnicutt three

Potter- Potter four

Burns- (Laughing) You sir

Potter- Yes me

Burns- But sir you're a grandfather

Potter- Yes a grandfather but not Whistlers mother

Burns- Well you're spry for your age Colonel, I mean anyone can see that but as commanding officer and senior member of the surgical staff shouldnt you put your junior officers on this detail

BJ- How do we shut junior up?

Houlihan- Suture his lips

Potter- Burns I may not be a colt but im not an old grey mare either

Hawkeye- She's right

Potter- I'm just as fit for this detail as you are, maybe fitter. We'll settle this right now (He gets up and leaves the table)

Hawkeye- Frank how would you like to be our first camacazi surgeon

Burns- How?

BJ- Simple Frank, you just do a labotamy on yourself

Burns- Ah stick it in the freezer

(Over the other side of the mess four men are playing cards. Potter walks over)

Potter- May I commandeer this deck for one minute

Egor- (Shows him his hand) But sir look

Potter- Holy cow (The other three players throw their cards down) Sorry son (He picks up the deck and walks back over to his table) Two low cards go for a ride (He shuffles the deck and lays it down on the table) Hunnicutt

BJ- (Picks a card) Ten, I guess I get to wave bye bye

Potter- Burns

Burns- (Picks a card) Five, I did better with straws

Hawkeye- (Picks a card) Three, looks like a marriage Frank. I know I can do better but at my age can I wait

Potter- (Picks a card) Deuce

Burns- Well that's a jip, that means you go and I stay.(It dawns on him) Oh that's good

Hawkeye- Frank looks like you've been jilted again

Potter- It's you and me Pierce. Burns load the jeep with supplies and dont forget my Jeratol

(Cut to the supply tent where Klinger and Burns are getting the supplies)

Burns- Gown, masks, sterile cotton, tape. What did you do with the tape?

Klinger- (Shows him the tape) Here. Just because im a gypsy doesn't mean I stole it

Burns- Today you're a gypsy, yesterday you were a ballerina

Klinger- Don't scoff sir your fate is an open book to me

Burns- Your daffy

Klinger- We read the future

Burns- Yeah so can I and in about five seconds im gonna bust your nose

Klinger- Dont bite off more than you can chew sir. Believe me, the future is written in the palm of your hand (He grabs Burns' hand)

Burns- Oh yeah... What does it say?

Klinger- It says (Sharp intake of breath)

Burns- Well what is it? What do you see?

Klinger- (Shakes Burns' hand) Let me be the first to congratulate you sir

Burns- Somebody die, leave me some money

Klinger- No sir, you're going to cover yourself with glory

Burns- I am

Klinger- Oh yes, you've got a strong glory line

Burns- Go on

Klinger- You're about to go on a trip sir, on a mission of mercy to a hospital many miles away. I see a medal, its gold

Burns- A gold medal

Klinger- It's turning green

Burns- Green

Klinger- It says for your total disregard of danger, for operating above and beyond the call of duty, for insisting to go on this mission instead of Colonel Potter

Burns- Oh buzz off goofball, I know what your little game is and it wont work

Klinger- Sir your twenty years younger then the Colonel

Burns- So, the old and the weak get knocked off, the young and the strong survive (He walks towards the door) Its the law of the jungle (He leaves)

Klinger- A lion should eat your face

(Cut to the compound where Potter, Hawkeye, BJ and Burns are securing the supplies on the jeep. Klinger walks towards them carrying a bag)

Klinger- Where does this go sir?

Potter- There's room up front your highness (Klinger puts the bag in the jeep)

Burns- Good idea, the Colonel can use it as a foot rest

Potter- I'll rest my foot on your butt. Climb in Pierce (Hawkeye climbs into the driver seat and the Colonel climbs into the passenger seat) Where's your gun?

Hawkeye- Sulking under my cot, we're not on speaking terms

Potter- Go kiss and make up, you're taking it with you

Hawkeye- Colonel if I touch that gun i'll just trigger another argument

Potter- Pierce you're taking along your side arm

Hawkeye- Correct, im taking along my right side arm (Put up his right arm) and my left side arm (Puts up his left arm)

BJ- You need an enemy before you can surrender Hawkeye, didn't they teach you that in basic training (He puts his arms down)

Potter- Pierce im not riding shotgun, get the weapon

Hawkeye- Gun boy

BJ- (With an Indian accent) Yes saab, my feet are like wings saab (He goes into the swamp)

(Klinger approaches singing and carrying some more supplies)

Potter- You're not hitting those high notes anymore

Klinger- Hurt myself sir

Potter- I thought so

Klinger- (Hands him a bag) Coffee good and strong

Potter- Oh thanks Zolton that shall come in handy

Klinger- Your parker Colonel

Potter- Wouldn't know where to put it

Klinger- You'll need this, the roads are bumpy (Hands him a rubber ring)

Potter- I know where to put that (He sits on it)

BJ- (Hands Hawkeye his gun) You artillery partner

Potter- Is it loaded?

BJ- Filled it with water myself Colonel

Hawkeye- (Looking at the gun with disgust) Watch out everybody I shoot to drown (He puts the gun down on the floor next to him and studies the map)

Potter- Do you think you can find it?

Hawkeye- If we run into trouble i'll call triple A

(Houlihan enters wearing her dressing gown)

Houlihan- Have a safe trip gentlemen

Hawkeye- How about a little kiss for the road?

Houlihan- Oh dont be ridiculous

Hawkeye- Then how about one for me

Houlihan- Pierce, on this mission you represent the 4077th and dont forget that

Hawkeye- Forget what?

Houlihan- MASH would never send an officer who would disgrace us

Hawkeye- Your right Margaret im staying (He stands up)

Potter- Sit down Pierce

Klinger- Beware sirs, I see snipers and land mines and artillery

Hawkeye- Do you see any good restaurants

Potter- Cut the chatter, lets move it

Hawkeye- (Puts his helmet on) Kick the chocks out from under the wheels, flaps up, no offence Margaret, contact, vrmmmmvrmmm

Potter- Start the engine

Hawkeye- Oh yeah

(They drive off into the distance)

(Cut to Potter and Hawkeye driving along a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Artillery fire can be heard close by)

Hawkeye- Dont look know but I think we're being followed by the war

Potter- I've been followed by bigger wars than this

Hawkeye- Dont fight it Colonel, this one's bigger than both of us.

(They turn a corner and are stopped by two MP's)

Potter- Colonel Sherman Potter, MASH 4077

MP- Where you heading sir?

Potter- Korean hospital 426, near Cumwa. Are we close?

MP- Two miles dead ahead

Hawkeye- Can you make that straight ahead

MP- You better turn back sir this area isnt secured

Hawkeye- Neither are we, were a mass of insecurity

Potter- Lot of people bleeding up there Sergeant, Captain Pierce and I are surgeons, were going in

MP- Going in isnt the problem Colonel, getting out is

Hawkeye- Sounds like marriage

Potter- Lets go

MP- (Salutes) Good luck

Hawkeye- Okay (He starts the engine and they continue down the road)

(Cut to them driving down a straight stretch of road with bombs dropping right next to them. Hawkeye has to swerve to avoid being hit)

(They arrive at the Korean hospital and pull up outside a tiny hut where a guard greets them)

Guard- (Salutes) Sirs

Hawkeye- Is our room ready, we booked the Sigmund Ree suite overlooking the motorpool

Potter- Your commanding officer is expecting us

Guard- Yes sir, inside

Hawkeye- (Gets out of the jeep and points to the supplies) Watch that it's more valuable then all the pickled cabbage in Korea

Guard- I watch sir

(They step inside the hut/hospital where inside they are greeted by a mass of casualties and a less then sanitary environment)

Potter- They call this a hospital

Hawkeye- I wouldn't operate on your horse under these conditions

Potter- My horse wouldn't be seen dead in here

(They are greeted by a Korean surgeon)

Choy- Gentlemen I am Major Choy

Potter- Colonel Potter and this is Captain Pierce

Choy- How can I thank you for coming?

Hawkeye- How about five thousand a piece in small bills

Choy- Two enemy divisions attacked our forces early this morning

Hawkeye- Successfully I see

Choy- I'm short of help and drugs

Potter- Supplies are parked outside Major

Choy- I'll send for them right now (He shouts to two orderlies in Korean who go outside to fetch the supplies) Wash up over there (He indicates a sink) Then go to work

Hawkeye- I think we got the job (A nurse hands them two masks) Thankyou

(Cut to the OR where Hawkeye, Choy and Potter are all busy operating on the wounded)

Hawkeye- Metsenbalm scissors (The nurse who doesn't speak english just looks at him confused) Scissors, scissors (He makes a scissor action with his hand) I dont know what to do with metsenbalm. (He gives up and points to the instrument on the tray) That instrument there pretneding to be sterile (The nurse hands him the scissors) That's it, good. What did you sterilise this in, egg drop soup

Choy- We do the best we can Captain with the little we have

Hawkeye- Sorry, it's just im opposed to germ warfare (A bomb explodes nearby making the whole room shake) Im not to crazy about that warfare either (The lights go out) Oh great, right in the middle of resecting a bowel

(Choy shouts angrily in Korean)

Potter- (Drops an instrument) Whoops.

Hawkeye- Getting tired Colonel

Potter- Doing fine. Havent let a patient slip through my fingers yet

Hawkeye- You know Colonel in this light you look just like Greer Garson

Potter- In what picture?

Hawkeye- Mrs Minerva

(Cut to a small room. Hawkeye and Potter are sitting against a wall. They are both exhausted)

Hawkeye- How long we been at this?

Potter- I started surgery in 1932

Hawkeye- I mean this session

Potter- So do I

Hawkeye- Maybe we should charge them peace work

Potter- We cant this is war. By the way which war is this?

Hawkeye- The latest war to end all wars.

Potter- (Nods. Picks up the thermos they brought with them) More of Klingers coffee (Pours himself a cup)

Hawkeye- No thanks it's beginning to dissolve my fillings

Potter- I told him strong not lethal

Hawkeye- (Yawns and closes his eyes) I can hardly keep my eyes open

Potter- They're closed

Hawkeye- See what I mean. Your eyelids are beginning to send you messages too. Time for a little shut eye

Potter- I dont take orders from my eyelids

Hawkeye- Sleep, come on

Potter- I dont take orders from you either

Hawkeye- I know what you've been going through, you're exhausted

Potter- I am not, I slept last year

Hawkeye- If i said the word sleep three times to you id put you right under

Potter- Not a chance

Hawkeye- Watch this (In a hypnotic voice) Sleep...sleep...sleep (He falls asleep)

(Potter turns the lamp down and goes back to work leaving Hawkeye to sleep)

(Back at the 4077th in Klingers office. Klinger is doing some paperwork when BJ enters)

BJ- Evening Klinger

Klinger- Evening who sir?

BJ- Sorry, Zolton. How's the tribe?

Klinger- My tribe, they're yearning for me sir

BJ- Course they are. What are you doing?

Klinger- I'm working on a plan to turn the motorpool into a gypsy caravan

BJ- Any news on Hawkeye and the Colonel

Klinger- They didn't call

BJ- I'm getting worried. I dont like to have them stay out so late one a school night

Klinger- Put your mind at ease sir, we gypsies have ways of finding things out

BJ- Crystal ball?

Klinger- (Picks up a deck of cards) Cards. Concentrate with me sir. (He draws a card from the top of the pile) Ten of clubs, Ace of spades, King of diamonds, Jack of Hearts. This, this is the crucial card, Queen of diamonds. Holy mackerel I drew a straight

(Cut back to Hawkeye and the Colonel. Potter taps Hawkeye gently on the shoulder)

Potter- Hawkeye

Hawkeye- (He wakes with a start) Huh. Did I? I did I fell asleep

Potter- You're one hell of a hypnotist

Hawkeye- It works, I just did it backwards

Potter- You can take over now

Hawkeye- Games tough and your sending in your ace reliefer huh

Potter- That's right, we're losing and the bases are loaded

Hawkeye- Listen you want to finish a great dream for me

Potter- If I cant come up with one of my own

Hawkeye- I was in a candle lit room, soft music in the background, soft girl in the foreground

Potter- Stop right there im a married man

Hawkeye- Well can you at least buy her a drink until I get back

Potter- Sure (He sits down, takes off his glasses, closes his eyes, puts his feet up and falls asleep, while Hawkeye leaves to go back to surgery)

(Cut to outside the Operating Room the next morning)

Choy- I watched you work it was a magnificent performance

Hawkeye- Souvenier programmes are available in the lobby

Potter- Major I wished youd stop in on us one day at the 4077th and watch the whole team in action

Hawkeye- We do a matinee that has them rolling in the aisles

Potter- We have a good  bunch of doctors

Hawkeye- Even Frank Burns?

Choy- You mean old ferrett face

Potter- You've heard of him

Choy- Yes he worked on a few of my men

Hawkeye- And they survived?

Choy- Yes they were lucky (They walk outside and Potter climbs into the jeep) Again thankyou for all your help

Hawkeye- Thankyou for all your wounded without which our help would have meant nothing (They shake hands and Hawkeye gets into the drivers seat)

Potter- Goodbye Major (They shake hands)

Choy- Goodbye and may luck go with you

Hawkeye- Yes he may (A bomb explodes very close to the hospital) Tell him to hurry (He starts the engine and they are off)

(Cut to them driving down the road)

Potter- I could use a belt

Hawkeye- Why are your pants falling down?

Potter- Klinger thought of everything else you dont suppose (He unscrews the lid of a water canteen and smells the contents)

Hawkeye- Ah

Potter- (Smiles and has a drink) Bless that gypsy. Belly up to the bar Hawkeye (He passes the bottle to Hawkeye)

Hawkeye- Delighted (He drinks and passes it back to Potter)

Potter- To Klinger (Has a drink, passes it to Hawkeye)

Hawkeye- To Klingers nose

Potter- That's a double (Hawkeye has two drinks and passes it back to Potter) To Zolton (Has a drink and passes it back to Hawkeye)

Hawkeye- To Zoltons nose, thats a double

Potter- That's a double (Hawkeye has two drinks and passes the bottle back to Potter) To Talshidal, and his nose

(We get a long shot of the jeep as they both get more and more drunk, we see the jeep swerving all over the road)

Hawkeye- To your nose

Potter- Thats only half a one

(Bombs begin to go off all around them and they are forced off the road down a hill into a ditch. Hawkeye stops the jeep and they both jump out)

Potter- Hawkeye your gun

Hawkeye- Forget that, come on (They run and jump into a nearby foxhole) What are they bombing us for we're already bombed

(There is a loud explosion as though the bombs hit something. Potter looks over the side of the hole to see the burnt out shell of what used to be their jeep)

Potter- They totalles our jeep

Hawkeye- (Peering over the top) Case'll be in court for years

(The bombing and shooting continues)

Potter- (Pulling Hawkeye down) Get down, you want to be a dead duck

Hawkeye- No id rather be a live chicken. You wanna cut it out

Potter- Ooh that was close

Hawkeye- I believe my life is about to pass before my eyes

Potter- Let me know when it does, I love a parade

Hawkeye- Even short ones?

Potter- Too young to die Pierce?

Hawkeye- I was hoping id make it to thursday

Potter- Well im gonna give them one hell of a fight before they drag me off to some Chinese prison camp

Hawkeye- What's the matter, you dont like egg foo young

Potter- Miserable place for a regular army man to spend the war

Hawkeye- Well I dont believe anybodys made the offer yet

(Several shots are fired from nearby)

Potter- I think we just got an invitation (He gets up and pokes his head over the top of the foxhole and fires his gun into the bushes from where all the shooting is coming. Hawkeye grabs him and pulls him back down)

Hawkeye- What are you shooting for?

Potter- Well thats the way this game is played, they shoot at us, we shoot at them, the last one to shoot wins (He takes Hawkeyes gun out of its holster and hands it too him) Here its your turn

Hawkeye- Oh no no no no no no, the reason they're shooting is because they're angry. If i shoot back they'll just get angrier

Potter- Pierce you've got a good sense of humour but a lousey sense of timing. Fire that weapon

Hawkeye- I dont even like looking at it

Potter- I said fire that weapon

Hawkeye- Alright (To the gun) You're fired. I did it as gently as I could

Potter- That was an order Pierce

Hawkeye- (Clicks his fingers) Oh waiter would you take this mans order please

Potter- Fire the gun Hawkeye

Hawkeye- Look Colonel, i'll treat their wounds, heal their wounds, bind their wounds but I will not inflict their wounds

Potter- You cant just sit there

Hawkeye- I may be sitting on the outside but im running on the inside

Potter- You love life that little

Hawkeye- I hate guns that much

Potter- For God sake man defend yourself, dont think of it as a gun, think of it as a great little noise maker, the loudest cap pistol in Korea. Just shoot it and scare the living hell out of them

Hawkeye- (Laughs) That I can do (He points the gun into the air) Alright everybody I start shooting at the count of three (Potter grabs his arm and brings it back down) Whats wrong? (He pulls the safety catch back) Oh thankyou (Hawkeye once again points the gun into the air and shouts) Out of the way (BANG) Look out (BANG) Out of the way (BANG) Behind the trees (BANG) Take cover (BANG) Look out (BANG)(He stops firing and puts his gun back in the holster) There I used up all my bullets now can I go home?

Potter- You're a crazier soldier then a surgeon

Hawkeye- Thankyou (They both fall about laughing) You hear that?

Potter- I dont hear a thing

Hawkeye- Thats what I mean

Potter- (Peers over the top of the foxhole) Nobodys there, they amscrayed. Come here Pierce, take a look (Hawkeye peers over the top to see a group of American soldiers walking towards them. They climb out of the foxhole and put there hands in the air) Dont shoot. Dont shoot. We're one of you

Hawkeye- You're one of us. Apple pie, Betty Grabble

Potter- Clara Boe

Hawkeye- Clara Boe? Frank right you are old

Soldier- You medics?

Potter- Surgeons with a MASH unit

Soldier- What you doing up here?

Hawkeye- Looking for broads (He walks towards the bushes)

Soldier- You're not going to find any there Captain

Potter- No, no, he's looking for casualties

Soldier- They all pulled out. We're moving out (They walk off)

Potter- You didn't hit a single thing, sharp shooter

Hawkeye- You fired as many shots as I did and you were the one who said you shot the apple off the kaisers head

Potter- Confidentially Hawkeye I couldn't hit a bullet with the side of a barn

(They follow the group of soldiers. They are so drunk that they have to lean on each other to keep from falling over)

(Cut to later that night back at the 4077th, Potter is in his tent getting ready for bed. Burns enters)

Burns- You alright sir

Potter- Great. Why shouldn't I be

Burns- Well you've been through some terrible ordeals

Potter- What ordeals?

Burns- Well the Korean hospital ordeal, the bunker ordeal

Potter- Piece of cake, enjoyed every minute. I think ill turn in after I do my fifty pushups, care to join me

Burns- No thankyou sir. Goodnight

Potter- Night Major (Burns turns and leaves. There is a knock at the door) Come in

(Klinger enters)

Klinger- Finish with your tea sir

Potter- (Passes him his cup) It was delicious Klinger

Klinger- May I read the tea leaves sir

Potter- By all means

Klinger- Says here your gonna take pity on a poor gypsy boy who desperately wants to go home to his people

Potter- (Takes the cup back) Let me see. The way I read it the poor gypsy boy is in danger of annoying his commanding officer and if he keeps it up he'll get a boot in his tambourine

Klinger- Got it sir. Goodnight

Potter- Goodnight Klinger (Klinger leaves. Potter turns out the light and goes to bed)

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Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
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