The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of ANGELA PATERSON.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(The scene begins at night in the Swamp. Hawkeye and BJ are asleep and Burns is listening to a baseball game on the radio)

Radio announcer- The dodgers go from bums to kings and win it four to three

Hawkeye- Come on Frank, shut up will yah. It's four to three in the morning

Radio announcer- This game will be rebroadcast at twelv hundred hours on armed forces radio

Hawkeye- Frank, come on

Burns- Stop dreaming and go back to sleep

Hawkeye- That makes good nonsense

(Two nurses enter and turn on the light)

Nurse- Hawkeye

Hawkeye- Yeah

Nurse 1- Wake up Hawkeye, the stove in our tent went out

Hawkeye- Again

Nurse 2- It's freezing in there

Hawkeye- (Pulls back his blanket) It's warm in here

Nurse- There are four of us

Hawkeye-(Getting up) I knew I should have got a bigger bed

Burns- Will you people hold it down. I mean show some consideration

BJ- I don't remember leaving a wakeup scream

Nurse- Thanks Hawkeye, you're the only one who can fix it

Hawkeye- Yeah, yeah, yeah. BJ if im not back in five minutes don't come and get me (He bends over Burns and shouts in his ear) Goodnight Frank (Burns jumps up)

(Hawkeye and the two nurses enter the nurses tent where there are two other nurses)

Nurse 1- Here he is girls, Handy Andy

Nurse 3- Hey Mr Fixit

Nurse 2- Lets hear it for the janitor

(They al begin to clap)

Hawkeye- Thankyou, thankyou very much, thankyou

Nurse Kelly- Thankyou Hawkeye, it's freezing

Hawkeye- Springtime in Korea

Nurse 1- You should feel honoured. We chose you because you have the best hands in camp

Hawkeye- I try to keep in touch (He lights a match and bends down to the stove)

Nurse 2- Be careful Hawkeye

(There is a large explosion. Hawkeye begins to scream in pain holding his hands over his eyes)

(We see the swamp where BJ having heard the scream jumps out of bed)

Burns- Oh knock it off Pierce

(Back to the nurses tent where Hawkeye still screaming in pain holding his hands to his eyes is met by BJ, Radar and the Colonel)

Potter- Radar call the 121st evac, I want their opthalmologist. Tell them we've got a boy with flash burns. Major James Oberman, get his keister up here pronto.

(They rush Hawkeye over to the hospital)

(We see Radar on the phone, clutching his teddy bear)

Radar- (In an official voice) Now look you dumb Clerk. I'll tell you this once and I want you to get it straight. This is General Walter O'Reilly, three stars and real mad. If Major Oberman is here by the time they crack my powdered eggs for breakfast I'll have you digging a latrine for every GI in Korea. Good

(The scene changes to the post op ward wher Major Oberman is finishing bandaging Hawkeyes eyes while a worried, BJ, Burns, Potter and nurses are watching)

Oberman- how does that feel?

Hawkeye- Blind

Oberman- Ok Hawkeye you take it easy for a few days and I'll be back friday

Hawkeye- Listen, one important question. Will I get to keep my nickname?

Oberman- Lets hope so

Hawkeye- Just wondering if I should rent a seeing eye dog or buy one

Oberman- See you friday (He gets up and begins to leave with Potter) Tell me Sherm where's this General O'Reilly

Potter- Who? Oh well, let me explain that (They leave)

Nurse 3- (Shouting) We're really sorry Hawkeye

Hawkeye- You don't have to shout, the sides still work

Nurse 3-(Whispered) Sorry

Hawkeye- That's alright. Next time get a union man

BJ- Hawk if there's anything you need

Hawkeye- Well if you're going by the PX you could get me a colouring book and some crayons

BJ- I think you're sick enough to qualify for the big box. I got to go

Hawkeye- BJ

BJ- Yeah

Hawkeye- Visit me a couple of hundred times will yah

BJ- At least

(BJ and the nurse leave. Kelly helps Hawkeye to lay down and then also leaves. The patient in the next bed begins calling for a nurse)

Patient- Nurse, Nurse

Hawkeye- What's the matter

Patient- My arms numb. I think it's asleep

Hawkeye- Let me take a look at it, so to speak (He clumsily finds his way to the bed and feels for the patients arm) Where are yah? (Shouts) Is there a doctor in the house (Burns enters)

Burns- What is it Pierce?

Hawkeye- Oh Frank, i'm glad you're here. Go get a doctor

Burns- Now what are we trying to do with this patient, hmm

Hawkeye- Arm wrestle, only I have a slight advantage, his bandage is too tight

Burns- Let scoot back over to our bed shall we. We dont want to bother the other patients now do we, hmm

Hawkeye- Keep it up Frank, we'll get our nose busted

(Burns leaves and Hawkeye gets up again)

Hawkeye- (To the patient) Somebody will be with you in a minute ok (He begins to make his way up the ward feeling his way along the bed frames. He stops at the next bed) Sorry just bumping through (When there is no answer he feel the bed and discovers that it is empty) Hmm, Claude Raines (He walks along to the next bed and grabs the patients chart) I'm doctor Pierce, anybody home

Straw- Hi

Hawkeye- (Sits down next to the patient and holds up his chart) Tell me whats this says will yah

Straw- You're a real funny man aren't you

Hawkeye- Come on fella, give me a break. Cant you see I cant see

Straw- (Who also has bandages over his eyes) No, no I can't

Hawkeye- I'm sorry, what happened?

Straw- A greanade landed ten feet in front of me I caught most of the stuff in the face. You?

Hawkeye- I offered a light to a temperamental gas heater. I didn't get your name

Straw- Oh im Tom Straw (They feel there was to shake each others hands)

Hawkeye- Hi

Straw- Hi

Hawkeye- Where you from Tom?

Straw- San Francisco

Hawkeye- Beautiful city

Straw- I've been looking forward to getting back and not seeing the Golden Gate

Hawkeye- You trying to depress me

Straw- No, no im too bust depressing myself

Hawkeye- Look you're alive, maybe you should feel lucky

Straw- Do you feel lucky Hawkeye?

Hawkeye- Not lately. What you do back in San Francisco?

Straw- Taught highschool english

Hawkeye- Well you can still teach. Be grateful you're not an airline pilot or a truck driver

Straw- Or a doctor

Hawkeye- Right

(Burns enters)

Burns- Pierce I thought we agreed that we were going to stay in our bed

Hawkeye- No we agreed that we were going to loosen that kids bandage didnt we

Burns- I was on a break

Hawkeye- Burns I swear that im a better doctor blind then you are with both eyes. Nurse

Nurse Kelly- Yes doctor

Hawkeye- Help me rebandage that kid down here and then I want you to fill me in on everybody in here. Frank you can go back to what you were doing. Nothing

(Kelly helps Hawkeye down to the first patient. Meanwhile Burns sticks his tongue out at Hawkeye and then storms off)

(The scene changes to Potters office where Potter is shining his boots whilst talking to Burns)

Burns- Colonel, how can I mantain order in there with Pierce stumbling around trying to help everyone. The nurses cant take a temperature without reporting to him first and he's always.. touching them

Potter- (Sarcastically) Disgraceful

Burns- He's got no business being in there if he's sick. I suggest we ship him back to the 121st

Potter- Why?

Burns- Well im sure he'd be a lot more comfortable

Potter- I appreciate your concern, you're right he should be moved

Burns- Thankyou

Potter- But I dont think it's necessary to take him any further than the swamp

Burns- But I...

Potter- And to avoid the inevitable argument. Dismissed

(The scene changes to the swamp where Radar is reading Hawkeye his letter)

Radar- (Reading) And the rest of the family is doing fine. San...Sandy Falcon, I think

Hawkeye- Yeah

Radar- Asked about you. She still sweats...er no thats er she's still sweet on you. Who is Sandy Falcon?

Hawkeye- A girl who used to dip my pigtails in the inkwell. So obnoxious she was voted most likely to marry out of her species

Radar- Take care son, we're really..

Hawkeye- Hold it Radar i'm ready to try again

Radar- Oh sir

Hawkeye- Come on I think I can do it this time

Radar- (Gets up and hands Hawkeye three balls) Here one,two

Hawkeye- Get out of my light (Radar looks up confused, Hawkeye trys to juggle the balls but immediately drops them all after one throw)

Radar- Sir do I have to chase them again

Hawkeye- No let them lay there until they get it right . Finish reading the letter

Radar- Yes sir (Reading) Take care son. We're connecting the dogs

Hawkeye- Thats counting the days

Radar- We're counting the days, all my love (Looks up) Major Burns

Hawkeye- What?

Radar- Major Burns is coming this way

(We see Burns making his way towards the swamp, whistling "three blind mice". He stops whistling when he enters and sees Hawkeye who is wearing Radars glasses over his bandages, whilst pretending to read his letter)

Burns- Pierce, you disgust me

Hawkeye- That's right Frank I disgussed you with everyone I know, they all think you're disgusting

Burns- Handicapped people usually know how to act properly

Hawkeye- Oh come on Frank, i'm just trying to keep busy. Look I even made your bunk

Burns- (Bends down to look at his bunk) You did a good job Pierce, but it's not regulation. The US goes on the outside of the blanket

(Klinger dressed as usual in a dress enters just as Burns is leaving)

Klinger- I wore this with you in mind

Burns- You make me want to throw up

Klinger- See it pays to dress

(Burns leaves)

Radar- Hawkeye, did you really make Major Burns' bunk

Hawkeye- Why not im used to short sheeting in the dark

Klinger- It's me, Corporal Klinger

Hawkeye- I heard the hair on your legs rustling

Radar- Hey Hawk, is it ok if I go over to the mess tent. They got fried shrimp for lunch but you got to be one of the first six guys in line

Hawkeye- Bon appetite

Radar- Does that mean yes?

Hawkeye- Yes, yes

Klinger-(Sits down next to Hawkeye) How you doing Captain?

Hawkeye- I feel as good as I look. (He puts his hand on Klingers leg and feels the fabric of his dress) Klinger, silk right

Klinger- Always bright and breezy. Listen Captain I brought you something

Hawkeye- Good, have her sit on the edge of the bed and tell me when you're gone.

Klinger-Sorry sir, all I got for yah id this (Hands him a whistle) In case you ever need us just toot

Hawkeye- (Blows it to discover its a duck call) Perfect

Klinger- It was either that or a howitzer

Hawkeye- I can't get my lips around a howitzer. (He blows it again)

Klinger- (Jumps up) Yes sir what can I get for you?

Hawkeye- Works like a charm. Would you like to escort me to the art museum

Klinger- We don't have an art museum

Hawkeye- Then i'll settle for the latrine.

Klinger- Your hole awaits

Hawkeye- Lead on Macduff (He walks straight into the chimney from the stove)

Klinger- Don't hit that

Hawkeye- I'm sorry

Klinger- (Leads Hawkeye to the door) Low bridge (Hawkeye ducks) We're outside

Hawkeye- Uhhuh. I bet we're drawing stares from all the other couples

Klinger- I look fabulous but you look a trifle frumpy in your fatigues

Hawkeye- You never looked better to me

(They stop outside the latrine)

Klinger- Here we are. Need any help in there

Hawkeye- Not since I was two

Klinger- Watch your step

(Hawkeye goes into the latrine while Klinger waits outside. Houlihan enters)

Houlihan- Corporal Klinger

Klinger- Ma'am

Houlihan- Colonel Potter wants to see you on the double. He needs your help to pick out a present for his wife

Klinger- Im kinda busy Major

Houlihan- Are you disobeying an order?

Klinger- Alright Major but you'll have to stay here and wait for Captain Pierce

Houlihan- Very well

(Klinger leaves)

Hawkeye- (Coming out of the latrines) Oh Margaret

Houlihan- That's very good

Hawkeye- It's your perfume. Moon over fort Dix

Houlihan- It's forbidden flower. Where do you wanna go?

Hawkeye- Mess tent, then after that we can go over to your place and play blind mans bluff

Houlihan- Savage

Hawkeye- Growls and barks

(They enter the mess tent where BJ is inline getting his food)

Hawkeye- (Singing) I'll hear you in my dreams (They walk over to BJ)

Houlihan- Here you take him

BJ- Oh right away Margaret

Hawkeye- I bet im the only hot potato in this entire tent

BJ- (Hands him a tray) Here you go Hawk

Hawkeye- Oh how convenient, it's in brail

BJ- Now let me tell you what they've got

Hawkeye- No wait, let me guess. (The cook slops some green stuff on his tray) Creamed spinach

BJ- Incredible, you can smell it?

Hawkeye- No I can hear it

BJ- Try a little of that

(The cook puts some meatloaf on his tray)

Hawkeye- (Feels it) Last weeks bread

BJ- Close, this weeks meatloaf. What we dont eat they drop on the north Koreans

(Radar is at a table with two corpsman listening to the baseball match that Burns had already heard earlier that day, Burns joins them)

Burns- The giants stink, I think the dodgers will win

Radar- Laughs

Burns- Well what's so funny

Radar- The Giants are winning three to one all they need is one more out

Burns- (Pulls out a wad of money) Oh we er you guys ever bet on these things

(All three quickly get there money out)

Radio Announcer- The dodger quickly go from bums to kings

Burns- (Laughing) Thanks suckers

Hawkeye- (To BJ) Very good Frank I bet he could have called that one in his sleep

(The scene changes to the Colonels office where Potter is busy doing paperwork while Hawkeye is sitting twirling a cane between his fingers)

Hawkeye- Colonel, did I ever tell you about our famous crab apple cove lobster festival

Potter- (Shouts) Radar (To Hawkeye) Go ahead Hawkeye, im listening

Hawkeye- In two nights, 3000 people do nothing but drink beer and gorge themselves on the biggest, reddest juciest lobsters you've ever seen, then at sunset (Radar enters) Hello Radar. The boats start coming in

Potter- Hold the boats. Radar what's this requisition for three hundred rubber gloves

Radar- We're almost out sir. On New Years Eve we used them for balloons

Potter- Oh yeah

Hawkeye- I remember one year it got so cold we bundled up in rubber gloves

Potter- Right Hawk. Get me that requisiton for blankets Radar (Radara leaves and Potter gets up and goes over to the filing cabinet) Where were we? Oh yeah the lobster festival

Hawkeye- Right. One year I went down to a deserted cove with er... (Potter leaves) three baskets and a little homewrecker named Sharon. Sharon share alike we called her. We were there for three days, never got the lobster (He laughs) Four days and never got the lobster. (When there's no reply he feels around the filing cabinet, where he thought the Colonle was. He blows his duck whistle and no one comes. Slightly panicked he shouts) Colonel! Radar!

(Potter and Radar come running)

Potter- Oh son im sorry, I thought I was just gonna be out for a second

Hawkeye- Forget it I just got a little nervous. Would have been worse if you were here and snoring

Radar- Hawkeye, this is Radar O'Reilly speaking to you now

Hawkeye- uhhuh. What do you say you take me for a little walk Radar

Radar- Wanna hit some more golfballs

Hawkeye- No post op. (He stands up) Colonel i'll be back later to tell you the story about the two priests and the mule

Potter- Doors always open

Hawkeye- I hope so or i'll break my nose. (They begin to walk towards post op) Radar how would you like to get your money back with Major Burns

Radar- Is this doing something sneaky?

Hawkeye- Of course

Radar- Oh boy

(They enter Post op where BJ is on duty)

Radar- Here's the bed post

BJ- Welcome aboard

Hawkeye- Thankyou Radar it's been wonderful travelling with you

Radar- Will you be needing me anymore sir

Hawkeye- No but if you're ever in town again i'll give you a call (He blows his duck whistle) Beej

BJ- Yeah

Hawkeye- How's the Straw kid doing?

BJ- Not bad we're sending him down to the 121st

Hawkeye- I want to see him

BJ- Rught away (He helps Hwkeye to the bed) Mr Straw

Straw- Yes

BJ- I have here Hawkeye Pierce. New boy in your english class (He leaves)

Straw- Ah yes Pierce. Third row, second seat, big mouth

Hawkeye- The very same. How you doing Tom?

Straw- Not very well. I tried to write a letter to my wife this morning I only got as far as Dear Marilyn

Hawkeye- Try darling I'm coming home. She'll be thrilled

Straw- How thrilled will she be when I tell her the rest?

Hawkeye- Dont sell her short

(Klinger enters)

Klinger- Captain, which one is Straw, T.S. Leutenant

BJ- Right here (Direct him to Straw

Klinger- Moving out sir

Straw- Moving out. I'd like you to write to me Hawkeye

Hawkeye- Only if you promise not to send the letters back corrected

Straw- It's a deal. I really want to know how things turn out for you

Hawkeye- Thanks

(He stands up ready to leave)

BJ- Give my regards to Mill Valley

Hawkeye- And remember me to union Square.

Straw- So long guys (He and Hawkeye feel there way to shake each others hands)

Hawkeye- Bye

BJ- Bye

Straw- Bye

(Straw leaves with Klinger)

Hawkeye- (Stands up) Beej lets get in the jeep and go for a ride, you drive

BJ- Hawkeye

Hawkeye- Alright i'll drive

BJ- (Holds his shoulders) Settle down for five minutes (They sit down again) I know what you're trying to do and I know how you feel

Hawkeye- No I don't think you do

BJ- You dont want to think about what might happen so you keep running

Hawkeye- No that's not it, that's not it. Look when Dr Oberman comes in here and unwraps my package I hope to God ill have my sight back but, something fascinatings been happening to me

BJ- What's that Hawk?

Hawkeye- One part of the world has closed down for me but another part has opened up. Sure I..I keep picturing myself on a street corner with a tin cup selling thermometers but im going through something here I didn't expect. This morning I spent two incredible hours listening to that rainstorm. And I didn't just hear it I was part of it. I bet you have no idea that rain hitting the ground makes the same sound as steaks when they're barbecuing or that thunder seems to echo forever. And you wouldn't believe how funny it is to hear somebody slip and fall in the mud. It had to be Burns. Beej this is full of trap doors but I think there may be some kind of advantage in this. I've never spent a more consciuos day in my life.

(Burns enters)

Burns- Alright Pierce, this area has been deemed off limits to personnel in your condition and im giving you one minute to clear out starting now

BJ- Frank

Burns- 55 seconds and counting

Hawkeye- Frank do us a favour and defect

Burns- Alright that's it Mr no more chances. Orderly

Hawkeye- (Jumps up and sticks his fists up ready to fight) Alright Frank here we go. This is your one chance for a fair fight

Burns- Oh you asked for it Pierce

Hawkeye- I could take you with both eyes tied behind my back

BJ- (Jumping in between them) Easy, easy

Hawkeye- Who's this?

BJ- It's me

Hawkeye Where's Frank?

BJ- Nurse, Able, do me a favour, get him out of here will yah

(BJ hands Hawkeye to a Nurse who walks him towards the door)

Hawkeye- Say something Frank so i'll know where to spit. Who's this

Nurse Able- Able. It's Able (They leave)

Burns- He's lucky you stepped in

BJ- You're lucky I didn't let him kill yah

(Nurse Able takes him over to the nurses tent where the other three nurses are all in)

Able- Girls, we have company

In unison- Hi Hawkeye

Hawkeye- At ease, smoke em if you got em

(The nurse who was sitting down stands up to let Hawkeye sit down, he grabs her as they pass each other)

Hawkeye- Got to be Bigallo

Able- How'd you know?

Bigallo- Never mind

Kelly- What can we get for you Hawkeye

Hawkeye- I just had it a second ago

Nurse- Listen could he come back in a little while I was gonna undress and take a shower

Hawkeye- Well dont let me stop you, I wont see anything. And you can throw me out if I so much as drool

Able- Go on

(She undoes her top button)

Hawkeye- That's one

Nurse- I cant go with him in here

Bigallo- Oh come on Lieutenant he cant see anything

Nurse- Ok Hawkeye, and no more comments (Hawkeye starts to hum the strip tease) It's no good. Ok Hawkeye, you got to get out fo here

Hawkeye- Wait, wait a second, wait a minute, choppers coming

(The scene changes to the OR where Potter, BJ and Burns are operating)

Burns- It's a pleasure working in here today sir

Hawkeye- How so Major

Burns- Well we're busy, lots of casualties

BJ- Terriffic

Burns- And no sign of Pierce

(Hawkeye enters)

BJ- Parties over Frank

Burns- Sir isn't it against regulations to have a blind man in surgery

Potter- Ask Captain Pierce, he's chief surgeon

Hawkeye- Be nice Frank, i'll let you sign my face

Burns- Huh

BJ- Bot here took a bullet in the abdomen

Hawkeye- What are the damages?

BJ- Not too serious, lacerated illiac artery

Hawkeye- Wonder what the patient would think if he woke up and saw me standing over him

BJ- He'd know he was in the army

Hawkeye- Beej you ought to sit back some time and listen to the war. It sounds as bad as it looks

Nurse- You ready to close doctor

Hawkeye- Was that intestine perferated, im getting a wiff of bowel

BJ- When I ran it, it was ok but I wanted to check it again. You're right there's a small nick (Hawkeye leaves) Who was that masked man?

(The scene changes to the swamp, which is empty. Burns enters and turns on the radio. He thinks he's listening to comentary on a baseball match but it is infact Hawkeye in Radars office)

Hawkeye- Risutto steps back in, swung and miss,strike two, and two to Risutto, Big Bob lemon goes into his wind up, here comes the pitch he's hit the left. How about that. Listen to that crowd. (BJ, Klinger and Radar are in the background doing the sound effects) It's five to four indians one out and the bottom of the ninth. Coming up for the Yankees. Gill...

Klinger- Red hot, get your red hot peanuts here

Hawkeye- Here's the pitch, swung and miss, strike one, infield looks for a bunt, swing and a miss, strike two, wait a minute he caught part of it. Double play. Cleveland win five to four. That score again five to four. This is Brian Machey signing off. This programme will be repeated at twelve hundred hours on the armed forces radio network

(The scene changes to the post op where Dr Oberman is cutting off Hawkeyes bandages)

Oberman- Sorry I was late Hawkeye, I couldn't get a chopper

Hawkeye- That's alright I was just sitting around listening to myself sweat (The camear pans up and we see that everyone is gathered round to see if Hawkeye is ok)

Oberman- Now Hawkeye, shade your eyes (Hawkeye puts his hand over his eyes, Oberman removes the bandage) Now open them slowly (He slowly lowers his hand and begins to open his eyes) Well?

Hawkeye- (Looking at his hand) Five right?

Oberman- Yeah

Hawkeye- They work

(Everyone is delighted)

Announcer- Here's the result of yesterdays game Yanks 8 indians 1. For those who'd like to collect Major Burns is in post op

Burns- Well that score cant be right I listened to the game and...(They all turn on him and chase him out the door)

Hawkeye- Thanks

BJ- Thanks Major

Potter- Thanks Jim

(Oberman and Potter leave. Hawkeye and BJ walk over to the window and look outside)

Hawkeye- That compound is the most beautiful thing i've ever seen

BJ- Congratulations Hawkeye, you're a lucky guy

Hawkeye- Yeah I got lucky twice. First I got a chance to see without my eyes and then I got them back

(An angry mob has formed and they chase Burns back through post op into the compound)

(The scene changes to the nurses tent where Hawkeye enters with his eyes bandaged up again)

Hawkeye- Nurses

Able- Hawkeye what happened?

Hawkeye- Temporary relapse, they were working ok this morning and then they went. Its not permanent , the doctor said they'll be ok in a copule of days.

Bigallo- Oh you poor guy

Hawkeye- What can I tell you girls I need all the sympathy I can get

Able- Is there something  we can do?

Hawkeye- Oh no you can do whatever you were doing you know, set your hair, iron your undies, get undressed

Able- Maybe we could cure it

Kelly- How?

(Able throws a cup at him and Hawkeye catches it)

Hawkeye- I dont think I should have done that

Bigallo- Out

(They push him out the door)

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Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
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