The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of ANGELA PATERSON.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(The scene begins late at night in the swamp. Hawkeye, BJ and Burns are all asleep. Klinger enters in his pyjamas, pink fluffy slippers and a fur coat. He walks over to BJ)

Klinger- Sir. Captain Hunnicut sir. (He shakes him gently) Sir

BJ- Klinger?

Klinger- Yes sir

BJ- Wish you'd shave your arms

Klinger- Phone call sir from the states

BJ- (Jumps out of bed and puts his boots on) My wife?

Klinger- No sir. Captain Pierces father

BJ- Pierces father calling me

Klinger- That's what he said sir

BJ- Doesn't make any sense

Klinger- You want me to wake you when something makes sense, you'd sleep through the whole war

BJ- Wouldn't that be awful. Where's Radar?

Klinger- Colonel gave him a few days in Seoul, he was flipping out a little, started to put carbon paper in the latrines

BJ- (Gets up and goes to wake Hawkeye) Hawkeye (Shakes him) Hawkeye

Hawkeye- In a minute

BJ- Phone call

Hawkeye- Tell the warden it's too late they just pulled the switch

BJ- Your father

Hawkeye- (Jumps up) My dad

BJ- Yeah

Hawkeye- My dad on the phone

Klinger- Yes sir

Hawkeye- What time is it?

Klinger- Two o'clock

Hawkeye- No there, what is it there now?

BJ- Eighteen hours earlier

Klinger- I never know, either it's yesterday afternoon or a week from next tuesday

BJ- Eight o'clock last night

Hawkeye- He wouldn't call unless it was important (Hawkeye gets up and puts on his jacket and BJ falls asleep again on Hawkeyes bed) For my father a swarm of locusts in the bathroom would only rate a postcard. Come on (He leaves)

Klinger- (Shakes BJ) Sir (BJ gets up and leaves. Klinger looks evilly at Burns still asleep, he pulls the blankets back exposing his feet and leaves. Seconds later he comes back with a handful of snow which he throws over Burns sleep. Burns wakes with a start)

(The scene changes to Radars office, Hawkeye, Klinger and BJ have all just entered)

Hawkeye- You sure Klinger, why would he want to talk to BJ?

Klinger- Thats what he said sir honest. Nobody but the Captain. (Klinger picks up the phone) Go ahead Sparky, we're ready. (He hands the phone to BJ who looks hesitantly at Hawkeye)

Hawkeye- Go ahead, tell him he's always been like a father too me, until now

BJ- Hello, hello Mr Pierce...What?...I cant quite...hello

Hawkeye- Dads not a very big talker

BJ- Hello

Hawkeye- He only spoke to mum if there was an R in the month

BJ- Lost the connection (He hands the phone back to Klinger) Mr Pierce. Hey Sparky

Hawkeye- Did he say anything?

Klinger- Anybody

BJ- All he said was how and why?

Klinger- Hey world where'd you go

Hawkeye- How and why?

Klinger- (Lowers the phone) Nobody, they must have knocked out the lines

BJ- Why dont we head swampward if your father wants to get through he will

Hawkeye- I couldn't sleep now

BJ- (Walks towards the door) If im lucky i'll get into the sack before Frank starts pledging allegiance in his sleep (He leaves)

Klinger- Sorry sir

Hawkeye- Yeah. (They sit down on the bed. Klinger begins to lie down) Klinger

Klinger- (He sits back up again) Sir

Hawkeye- You ever hear of Crabapple cove?

Klinger- Was that in the hygiene lecture

Hawkeye- Crabapple cove, Maine, we had a summer cottage there. Its heaven when the buttercups are in bloom (Klinger begins to nod off) the golden rod, cameracs are standing tall. If you didn't know you swear you'd died and gone....(Klinger has fallen asleep and has slumped onto Hawkeyes shoulder. Hawkeye looks at him) No wonder dad never calls me (He pushes Klinger back onto the bed and gets up)

(Later that morning Hawkeye is sitting next to the phone when there is a ringing. He picks up the phone)

Hawkeye- Hello dad, dad. (The ringing continues, he looks arouns to discover it is Klingers alarm clock. He throws the phone back down and gets up to pour himself a cup of coffee.)

Klinger- (Having just woken up) Any word

Hawkeye- No. Im gonna take a quick shower, come fetch me if you get through

Klinger- A shower

Hawkeye- Look for a white carnation (He leaves)

(As he steps out of the office there is a bus sitting in the compound. A man starts banging on the window of the bus to get Hawkeyes attention. He jumps out of the side of the bus in front of Hawkeye)

Dettmuller- Im Lieutenant Dettmuller of the Quarter master core, morgue detail, im here to pick up a body, who do I see

Hawkeye- I believe Corporal Klinger can assist you in this undertaking (He walks off)

Detmuller- Not one straight man in the whole army. (Dettmuller goes into Radars office where Klinger is hanging up some of his laundry to dry) Are you Corporal Klinger?

Klinger- Yes sir

Dettmuller- Hey aren't you the guy who's trying to get pretending your a woman

Klinger- No, no Im the woman trying to get in pretending im a guy

Dettmuller- Funny(Looks at his clipboard) I'm looking for Pierce, Benjamin Franklyn, Captain, US 19905607

Klinger- In the shower

Dettmuller- In the shower. What's he doing in the shower?

Klinger- Who can tell with officers

(The scene changes to the showers where Hawkeye is having a shower and is just about to have a shave. He is applying shaving cream to his face when Dettmuller walks in. He walks around the tent looking for something. Hawkeye just looks at him, confused)

Dettmuller- Is this the whole tent?

Hawkeye- And nothing but the tent

Dettmuller- I'm looking for Captain Pierce

Hawkeye- You got him

Dettmuller- You cant be Pierce

Hawkeye- You mean somebody pasted my face in this mirror

Dettmuller- Soemthings wrong boy, really wrong

Hawkeye- Well, no wars perfect

Dettmuller- You're not dead

Hawkeye- Dont jump to conclusions I have a good tailor

Dettmuller- You-re supposed to be dead sir, honest (Hands Hawkeye a piece of paper)

Hawkeye- (Reading) Pierce, Benjamin Franklyn, Captain. This is a death certificate

Dettmuller- Just a copy sir, they send the original back to the next of kin

Hawkeye- Who would have been notified by now by telegram

Dettmuller- Armys very good about that

Hawkeye- (Washes of the shaving cream and jumps out of the shower. Begins to hurriedly get dressed) No wonder my father didn't ask for me he thinks i'm dead

Dettmuller- So does the army sir, if you're alive im in big trouble

Hawkeye- You're in trouble

Detmmuller- Three days ago a body fell out of my bus onto the road, last week I came up another two bodies short. If I blow this one they'll take me off morgue detail and put me on something worse

Hawkeye- What could be worse?

Dettmuller- I dont let myself think about it

Hawkeye- Yeah well listen er, Lieutenant er..

Dettmuller- Dettmuller, call me Digger

Hawkeye- I hate to inconvenience you Digger, I really do but I happen to be alive. Born that way you know. What time is it back home

Dettmuller- (Checking his watch) Oh it's er..

Hawkeye- Forget it, never mind I gotta make a phone call

Dettmuller- Sir, if I dont bring a body to the morgue, they'll have my butt

Hawkeye- Better yours than mine

Dettmuller- This is a surgical hospital, you must have some extra bodies, just one to spare

Hawkeye- We try to avoid that situation

Dettmuller- Where's the best place to look for casualties

Hawkeye- Try the mess tent, hash eaters are your best bet (He takes the death certificate and leaves)

(The scene changes to Potters office where Potter is polishing his saddle whilst talking to Burns)

Burns- My voluntary calasthetics programme simply isn't panning out Colonel

Potter- Isn't panning out hey

Burns- Id like permission to make it mandatory, I've always felt people volunteer better my force

Potter- Oh, exercise in the winter is very depressing Major, although I must say the nurses pushups is doing wonders for morale

Burns- Sir i'm serious

Potter- So am I

Burns- But sir

(Hawkeye enters)

Hawkeye- Excuse me Colonel, I waited until Major Burns was talking so I wouldn't interrupt

Burns- Pierce hasn't exercised once, hasn't done so much as a squat thrust

Hawkeye- I'm saving myself for marriage

Burns- Far be it for me to tell you how to run your comman sir

Potter- Very far be it

Burns- I, personally, myself think you should order goldbricks like Pierce here to get out there

Hawkeye- Im sorry i've missed your early morning hernia farm Frank but I personally myself have been dead

Potter- We're all a little tired Hawkeye

Hawkeye- Not dead tired Colonel, dead dead, as in doornail. Mt corpus has been declared delacti (Hands Potter the death certificate) There it is folks my ticket to the last roundup, my boarding pass for the stigian ferry

Potter- (Shouts) Corporal. (To Hawkeye) Boy they are pips

(Klinger enters)

Klinger- Sir

Potter- Theres been some kind of clerical error down the line there, Captain Pierce has been listed as dead

Klinger- Oh that explains the ..

Hawkeye- Phone call yeah. They notified my father

Potter- Get on the stick Corporal, get word to his father, dig into the paperwork, lets clear this up on the double

Klinger- Yes sir (Turns to leave) Sir if it'll help i'll take his place. Just give me some sandwiches and drill a few holes in the coffin

Potter- Out

Klinger- Yes sir

(The scene changes to the OR where BJ is operating and Hawkeye is his anaesthetist)

Hawkeye- Can you believe it the morgue even sent the wagon for me

BJ- Its so unlike the army to make a mistake

Hawkeye- You'd think they'd have the routind down pat after the 7 year war, the hundred year war, the war of the roses

BJ- The one they fought in Passadina

Hawkeye- Right

BJ- Purse string suture

Nurse- Pursestring

(Digger can be seen looking through the glass in the door, watching as they operate)

BJ- Digger character gonna keep hanging around here?

Hawkeye- He's trawling for a cadaver

Nurse- He gives me the creeps

Hawkeye- Well it's his business, he needs a body. Speaking of which what are you doing after the appendectomy

Nurse- Washing my hair if I can get some beer

Hawkeye- I've got some beer in my tent. Dead men tell no tales you know

(They finish the operation and walk through to the scrub room where Digger is waiting)

Hawkeye- Bad news Digger

BJ- Patient made it

Dettmuller- I'm sure you tried

BJ- Hey

Hawkeye- What hey

BJ- We've got to have a wake, what kind of a friend would I be to let you pass away without a party

Nurse- Thats sick

Hawkeye- No he's right I think I would have wanted it that way

BJ- Your off duty, ill take of everything

Hawkeye- Put me down for half

BJ- No no this wakes on me

Hawkeye- What do you wear to a wake

(Klinger enters)

Klinger- Captain, i thought in lue of you not being able to get through long distance you could maybe send your father out a telegram through another unit

Hawkeye- You do that Klinger and you'll have free nose jobs for the rest of your life

Klinger- Shoot.

 (Klinger pulls out pad and pencil and writes)

Hawkeye- Dear dad, I am not dead stop Hope you are the same stop Thinking of selling my clubs stop Spending my insurance money stop

BJ- Poetry

Hawkeye- Will call soonest, please dont worry. Sign it, love your nowhere near late son Hawkeye

Klinger- Teriffic

Hawkeye- I hate to think what my dad's going through

BJ- Come on, cheer up we're going to a funeral

(The scene changes to the Post Op where Digger is walking up and down the row of casualties looking at the chart. There is an announcement)

Announcer- Attention all personnel, Come one, come all to a wake for the late great Captain Pierce. We'll be mourning all afternoon and evening. The deceased will deliver the eulogy and the guests will have twenty minutes for rebutal. Remains to be seen in the swamp

(The swamp where the wake is in full swing. BJ is carrying a plate of pretzels and Hawkeye takes a handful)

Hawkeye- Thankyou

BJ- Your welcome

Nurse Kelly- Gee he looks just like himself

BJ- Yeah he actually looks more like himself then he ever has

Potter- Lets keep em coming boys and girls

(BJ passes Potter two cans of beer, Potter passes them to Digger, who passes them to Hawkeye, who keeps one and passes the other to a nurse)

Hawkeye- What a good party

Nurse- mm

Hawkeye- I only wish I was here to see it

Nurse- I sure am gonna miss you Hawkeye

Hawkeye- We all will honey, we all will

(The camera pans to Potter and Dettmuller)

Potter- I understand you've been having a bad time lately Lieutenant

Dettmuller- Don't ask

(Back to Hawkeye)

Hawkeye- I'm donating my shoulder to the wheel, my nose to the grindstone, my ear to the ground but I only have eyes for you

(Back to Potter and Dettmuller)

Potter- I think you've got one more problem that you're probably not aware of

Dettmuller- What's that sir

Potter- Your buns are on fire

(Dettmuller jumps up and there is a large smoking hole in his jacket where he was sitting on the stove, he runs out. The camera pans back to Hawkeye where Klinger has just joined him)

Klinger- Captain Pierce, no cables going out sir, no phone no nothing. There's a new security, the strictest

Hawkeye- (He stands up and shouts) You've got to get through to him

Klinger- On account of General Eisenhower's coming over sir, there's all kinds of precautions. The secret service, MP's, they're locking up a whole load of South Koreans

Hawkeye- What form cheering lessons

BJ- (Seeing Hawkeyes upset begins to sing, quickly joined by everyone) For he was a jolly good fellow, he was a jolly good fellow, he was a jolly good fellow

Hawkeye- I was much to young to die

(The next day in the swamp, among the aftermath of the party. BJ is writing a letter and Hawkeye has just woken up covered in popcorn)

BJ- Im writing Peggy about your death, any messages

Hawkeye- No ill write an R.I.P.S. later

(Burns enters)

Hawkeye- (Pouring a cup of coffee) Bottom of the morning to you Frank

Burns- I don't talk to goof off corpses

BJ- What corpses do you talk to?

Hawkeye- Only those that lie at attention

Burns- You've carried this death jazz far enough Mr funny bones

Hawkeye- I haven't begun to die Frank. Being dead gets me out of Orientation classes, OD duty, inspections

Burns- And my body building course. Well im no dunce

BJ- hhmm

Hawkeye- I have no need to build onto my body Frank, I was born with just enough rooms

Burns- Oh, go fish (He goes to leave. He opens the door and Klinger enters)  I told you to take off your dress before you come in here

Klinger- Not for you or any man alive (Burns leaves) Sorry sir, no soap

Hawkeye- The red cross wont help me, what do they want, blood

Klinger- There's just no getting through, Eisenhower

Hawkeye- What's he coming over here for anyway. Who needs a president with dysentary

BJ- (Taking the mail out of Klingers hand) One from, two from home, beaut

Klinger- (Taking back the rest of the mail) These are from Major Burns' wife (Smells the letters) You can smell the disinfectant. (He turns to leave)

Hawkeye- Hey Klinger, nothing for the bridesmaid

Klinger- They're stopping your mail in Seoul sir because you're, you know

Hawkeye- Klinger I need my mail. I'm right in the middle of an obscene correspondence with a librarian and we've just started the letter C

Klinger- I'll keep at it sir

Hawkeye- Alright and keep trying for my dad, he's probably out of his mind thinking im now the former me

Klinger- Yes sir I know, Crabapple cove

(The scene changes to the mess tent where it's payday. Burns is the payroll officer. Hawkeye and BJ are at the front of the queue)

Burns- Next (BJ steps forward) Name and serial number

BJ- Oh come on Frank

Burns- We do this by the book or we dont do it at all

BJ- Hunnicut, BJ, Captain, 39729966 sir

(He hands him the paysheet and a pen to sign it with. The pen doesn't work so he shakes it, a blob of ink lands on the page)

Burns- You smudged my pay sheet

BJ- Sorry

Burns- That was a vicious deliberate smudge

BJ- I'll go stand in a corner of Korea

Burns- Next

Hawkeye- Frank

Burns- Name and serial number

Hawkeye- (Stands at attention) Pierce, Benjamin Franklyn, Captain 3. I was one of the first in

Burns- You're a cutie pie aren't yah

Hawkeye- well

Burns- (Checking the pay sheet) Pierce, Pierce, Pierce, Pierce

Hawkeye- (To Egor, assisting Burns) Dont you think accepting money somehow cheapens the war. Come on Frank lay it on me

Burns- (Shows him the clipboard) Sorry fella you've been red lined

Hawkeye- What

Burns- You're deceased, you're off the payroll. HAHAHHAHAHA

Hawkeye- That's not funny Frank

Burns- Well if you're too dead for calasthetics, you're too dead for pay. Next

Hawkeye- Wait a minute, hold it. I gotta have that money Frank its not like I can work some place else. I mean there's not another arm y across the street looking for help

Burns- Next

Hawkeye- Dont do this Frank

Burns- So being dead isn't as much fun as you thought it would be huh

Hawkeye- (Grabs Franks arm) Watch it Frank, they couldn't court marshall a dead man for breaking every smirk in your face

Burns- Let me go

(Hawkeye jumps over the table and they begin to fight)

Hawkeye- Give me the money

Burns- Never

Hawkeye- Give me the money

Burns- Stop it your hurting me in front of people

Hawkeye- Nobodys going to help you Frank they dont like you. Right, right. You're the ten most hated men in this camp (Hawkeye pushes Burns into the cook and food goes everywhere) Give me the money Frank, give me the money

Burns- I'm responsible for every penny

Hawkeye- Give me the money or ill give you 24 carat underwear (He stuffs carrots down Burns' shirt

Burns- I hate carrots

Hawkeye- Oh im sorry, here (He shoves a handful of mashed potato into Burns' face

(Two corpsman grab Hawkeye by the arms and drag him off of Burns)

Burns- Punch him in the throat, punch him in the throat

Hawkeye- (Whilst being dragged backwards outside) I will not take my death lying down Frank

(The scene changes to Potters office where Potter is sitting behind his desk, Hawkeye is pacing up and down and they are joined by a man from HQ)

Potter- I was finally able to get through to HQ Hawkeye and they were kind enough to send Captain Pratt here

Pratt- We've given your matter a good look see Pierce (Pushes Potters files over so he can put his briefcase down) Excuse me please. What has happened is that some clerk down the line has obviously switched your name with a deceased patient on a certificate of death. It happens all the time haha

Hawkeye- And has the real dead mans, haha, family been notified

Pratt- They will be. In your case well submit the quarter master a request to recind the certificate of death on DA form 10/249, in triplicate, accompanied by an SFA88/1107 signed by three of officers of equal or higher rank, followed by a personal written report on form 63/EBY by a ranking officer who actually saw you not die, in triplicate

Hawkeye- What does all this come to when you boil it down?

Potter- That is boiled down

Hawkeye- This could take weeks stroke months

Potter- He'll be dead by the time you make him alive

Pratt- Well do the best we can Colonel

Hawkeye- Meanwhile no mail, no money and my own personal undertaker out there with his hearse double parked

Pratt- Well you are doctor im afraid what George Orwell described in 1984 as an unperson

Hawkeye- Unperson. Now im an unperson. Do you know that right now my poor father not realising im undead is at this minute mourning his unson

Pratt- Well I dont know any other way out of it

Hawkeye- Oh you dont huh, he just rattles around in that empty house, gives my things away to the salvation army and ages a couple of years for every day he thinks ive shaken off this kakhi coil. Well I know another way out of it (He walks towards the door)

Potter- Pierce, where you going?

Hawkeye- Excuse me Colonel im late for an early grave (He leaves)

Potter- You were a big help (Pratt looks at Potter uncomfortably)

(The scene changes to the swamp. BJ enters with a pile of wood for the stove to find Hawkeye packing his duffle bag)

BJ- Whats happening?

Hawkeye- The wars over. This death certificate's my ticket home. If you're ever in Maine look me up, or rather down. I'll be under a stone marked Pierce (He grabs his back and leaves. BJ goes after him)

BJ- Hawkeye! Hawkeye!

(Outside in the compound Dettmuller is on his bus when Hawkeye knocks on the window)

Hawkeye- Hey Digger open up it's me

Detmmuller- (Opens the door) What do you want doc?

Hawkeye- The final reward please and step on it. Lets go Digger im not gettiing any older (He climbs onto the bus and looks down at a row of bodies shrouded in white sheets, with one spare stretcher) Where do I sit?

Dettmuller- Nobody ever sits on this bus but me doc. (Hawkeye walks down the bus to the empty stretcher and lays down) I cant take passengers sir

Hawkeye- im not a passenger, im cargo

(Klinger comes running out of his office to BJ who is standing by the bus)

Klinger- Casualties coming in doc, a mess of them, could be anytime now

BJ- Thanks Klinger (Klinger runs off, BJ climbs onto the bus and walks to the back to see Hawkeye who has his hand over his eyes) Hawk

Hawkeye- Huh

BJ- Its BJ

Hawkeye- I know. Wish you could go with me dont yah

BJ- You really going home?

Hawkeye- (Draws a slow, deep breath) Finally. Ive been fighting death since I came over here, im tired of death, im tired to death (He looks around at the bodies) If you can tlick it, join it. Right boys

BJ- You cant go Hawk

Hawkeye- I have to, the army says im dead, I cant disobey

BJ- Im afraid your gonna have to

(Choppers can be heard arriving)

Hawkeye- Wounded

BJ- (Nods) Klinger says a lot

Hawkeye- I dont care. I really dont. They'll keep coming whether im here or not. Trapper went home and they're still coming, henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from they'll never run out

BJ- You serious

Hawkeye- Dead serious (He lays back and closes his eyes. BJ leaves) Home Digger

(Digger starts the bus and begins to drive. He gets to just past the sign in the compound that reads (4077th) and stops. The back door opens and Hawkeye jumps out)

(The scene changes to later that day in Radars office. Hawkeye is on the phone)

Hawkeye- Quit crying dad, it's ok I needed a new set of clubs anyway. Li...no im still dead as far as the army is concerned but they're working on it.Listen dad, can I ask you a favour. Do you think you could start sending me my allowance again? Just for a little while, ill let you knnow how much. What? Its good to hear your voice too, its good to hear your voice too. What else is new? Hows Orvilles pitching?... Your kidding a no hitter and everybody said Orville was all thumbs.....hahahahahah, she did, well tell her I said hello. Dad? (He puts the phone down)

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Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
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