The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of ANGELA PATERSON.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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Announcer- Attention all personnel, tonights film which hasn't arrived yet has been cancelled
 
(The scene is Post Op, Trapper is sick with the flu and Hawkeye's trying to get him to eat some porridge)
 
Hawkeye- Come on Trap, see if you can bite the spoon. If you eat it all you can see the picture at the bottom of the bowl, the three little pigs in escrow. (Trapper refuses to eat) Why do doctors make the worst patients?
 
Trapper- If you were a patient would you trust you?
 
Hawkeye- Come on now, one for General Macarthur
 
Sheila- He hasn't had a thing
 
Hawkeye- Pierce comma Hawkeye
 
Sheila- Lieutenant Anderson, Sheila
 
Hawkeye- You look new
 
Sheila- Only one owner
 
Hawkeye- Ah, a sense of humour
 
Trapper-(Who has porridge all over his nose) My nose has no teeth
 
Hawkeye- Oh I'm sorry (To Sheila) This is Captain Macintyre, a doctor with 24hr flu which is now in its third day
 
Trapper- I wish we'd met when I was alive
 
Hawkeye- Come on now, one for ward bond.
 
Announcer- Attention all OR personnel, attention
 
Hawkeye- They're playing our announcement
 
Announcer- Incoming casualties, report to surgery
 
Hawkeye- See if you can get him to eat something, otherwise start him on IV. If he makes a grab at you let him, he needs the exercise. (To Trapper) You'll be playing the violin again in no time.
 
(The scene changes to the scrub room where, Margaret and Father Mulcahy are scrubbing up, Hawkeye enters)
 
Hawkeye- You know something, there's a good chance I might not catch that old devils flu
 
Burns- Do you have your own private immunity doctor?
 
Houlihan- Your invulnerable to viral infections?
 
Hawkeye- I breath through my ears
 
Blake- Pipe down will you Pierce
 
Hawkeye- It's like living in a wind tunnel but it fools the germs hanging around my nose
 
Blake- You Ok Jacobs
 
Nurse- I'll be alright doctor
 
Blake- That's good because I'm deathly ill
 
Hawkeye- What's the matter?
 
(Blake slides down the wall, looking awful along with Jacobs who is also ill)
 
Hawkeye- Stop doing Jolson and get to bed
 
Blake- I'm fine, fine ill be just fine
 
Hawkeye- (To Jacobs) Put him in bed and save the next one for yourself
 
(They help Henry to his feet)
 
Blake- I'm fine, fine
 
Hawkeye- Put a screen between your beds, he's most dangerous when he's on his back
 
Blake- Thanks
 
Hawkeye- Don't thank me until you get my bill. The big dumb strong ones always go first.
 
(Nurse Jacobs helps Henry out of Post op)
 
(OR, where Hawkeye and Burns are operating)
 
Burns- We're ready to close, 4 o silk and mop my forehead
 
Sheila- Doctor I just did
 
Burns- Don't argue with me just do what I..
 
(He looks woosy before passing out, leaving Hawkeye as the only surgeon without the flu)
 
Sheila- Doctor
 
Hawkeye- Stay where you are, don't leave the table. Father get him a stool. Margaret do you think you can land the plane by yourself
 
Houlihan- I think so
 
Hawkeye- Alright, help Sheila
 
Houlihan- Gloves
 
Hawkeye- Nothing clever just close, then call me when you're finished so I can check your embroidery
 
Houlihan- Right
 
Hawkeye- Father saddle up to the instrumetn tray. Give me some gloves here, left one first
 
(Houlihan is left to close on her own while Father Mucahy is left to assist Hawkeye with his patient)
 
Hawkeye- Diva retractor
 
Mulcahy- What?
 
Hawkeye- Diva retractor, the curly thing with the curls
 
Mulcahy- Oh, Diva retractor (Hands it too him) they do give them complicated names
 
Hawkeye- That's the cross we bear father (To Houlihan) How's Frank?
 
Houlihan- He's unconscious
 
Hawkeye- Saving lives at last. Suction Father
 
Mulcahy- Coming right up
 
Hawkeye- Father, as long as we're working together is it alright if I call you dad?
 
(The scene changes to Blakes office where Hawkeye is on the phone while Radar is pouring him a cup of coffee)
 
Hawkeye- Look General i realise that flu is epidemic in the whole theatre but i'm all alone here. I'm a humble Captain. I, yes, I know i'm a capable young surgeon, let me add i've got good prospects and i'm a great catch buti'm not looking for a husband
 
(Radar enters with Hawkeyes coffee and warms himself by the heater)
 
Hawkeye- I need help here, just send me some hands, anybody, Jack the Ripper anybody who's goof with a knife. General I understand the problem, when am I going to get somebody here. Days, thankyou General, you've been a big help.
 
(He slams the phone down)
 
Hawkeye-(To Radar) Everything I said to him went in one star and out the other.
 
Radar- well, anything I can do to help?
 
Hawkeye- That's a nice offer Radar but unless you can graduate medical school in the next two hours forget it
 
Radar- I suppose you realise you're ranking surgeon now
 
Hawkeye- It's hard to believe i'm sitting in Henry Blakes chair. This is the chair from which a thousand indecisions have been launched
 
Radar- Yes sir
 
Hawkeye- Tell you what were going to do Radar
 
Radar- Check the personnel directory, call Seoul, Tokyo, Houcanowa and Pousan. See if we can get another surgeon to come here and help you.
 
Hawkeye- You put the words right into my mouth
 
Radar- (He salutes) Yes sir
 
Hawkeye- Ok, fresh (He leaves)
 
(The scene changes, Houlihan walks across the compound and knocks on the door of the swamp)
 
Hawkeye- Come in
 
(She enters to fins Hawkeye in bed)
 
Hawkeye- Margaret, i've done this often but I never dare dream it
 
(He lifts the blankets and taps the bed, gesturing Houlihan to join him)
 
Houlihan- Mind your tongue
 
Hawkeye- Frank's flat on his back, I think we should follow his example
 
Houlihan- Frank wants his bible, where is it?
 
Hawkeye- It's over there under his catalogue from the Japanese sex shop
 
Houlihan- He doesn't have one of those
 
Hawkeye- He's even making a shoppinglist you'll find a page creased under the inflatables section, patch kits included
 
(She searches for his bible)
 
Houlihan- Will you be serious for just one minute please
 
( Hawkeye gets up and walks over to Houlihan)
 
Hawkeye- I am Margaret, you know there's a frontier feeling around here. Joel Macray is in bed, so is Ralph Bellamy and Colonel Andy Divine, that leaves just you and me, Frances Dee and Slim Summerville
 
Houlihan- Why do you talk like that?
 
Hawkeye- I can't help it, i'm part of the movie generation. I spent every saturday morning and afternoon in the dark
 
Houlihan- I'm really not interested
 
Hawkeye- I could easily have been a mushroom instead of a doctor
 
Houlihan- I'll tell you what you're not, you're not commanding officer
 
Hawkeye- Oh yeah
 
Houlihan- As a major i'm next in command
 
Hawkeye- Ok, you take charge
 
(He lays down)
 
Houlihan- You just been waiting to take over, havent you?
 
Hawkeye- Look I want to command as much as I want a scholarship to devils island
 
Houlihan- Lets have a clear understanding
 
Hawkeye- You wont take yes for an answer, will you?
 
Houlihan- I'll get to the real thrust of what i'm saying
 
Hawkeye- You're the sorest winner I ever met
 
Houlihan- You've emasculated me for the last time, i'm in charge now
 
Hawkeye- Ok, Madam President
 
Houlihan- You take care of the surgical matters and i'll handle administration
 
Hawkeye- We'll be so busy we'll never see each other darling
 
(Choppers can be heard coming in to land, they both go for the door)
 
Hawkeye- After you sir
 
(The scene changes to the OR, Hawkeye enters)
 
Hawkeye- (With a British accent) I suppose you're wondering why I asked you all here tonight, years ago each of you did something terrible to me.
 
Houlihan- What are you talking about?
 
Hawkeye- You're in charge, you take over
 
Houlihan- Oh now dont be foolish I wouldn't presume to tell you anything about surgery
 
Hawkeye- (To Mulcahy) Father, you'll be working with Sheila (To Sheila) This is a promising young surgeon, prays a lot, he's got a great touch especially on sunday
 
(A nurse shows Hawkeye and Xray while another puts on his gloves)
 
Hawkeye- Alright, scalpel
 
Sheila- Scalpel
 
Hawkeye- kelly clamp
 
Sheila- kelly
 
Hawkeye-(To Mulcahy) Ok promising young surgeon, give me your hand
 
(He takes Father Mulcahys hand and sticks it inside the patient)
 
Hawkeye- There, you got it
 
Mulcahy- Yes, i've got it
 
Hawkeye- Don't let go of it (To Sheila) There are no fragments, irrigate the wound and pack it open
 
Sheila- Yes doctor
 
(He takes off his gloves and moves on to the next patient)
 
Hawkeye- Margaret, over here. Kelly, gloves (To Houlihan) Alright you're really in charge here commander, you'll work with Wilson (To Wilson)  You're so scared I'd like to put my sterile arms around you
 
Wilson- I'm ok
 
Hawkeye- Scalpel. Alright, i'll open up the peritinium and see what we've got, or rather what hes got
 
Houlihan- Im ready
 
Hawkeye-That's what I tried to tell you when we were alone
 
(The scene changes to Radars office, where Radar is on the phone, flicking through the directory of surgical personnel)
 
Radar- Charlie, i'm in the M's now what about this guy Martin, Robert H, he's listed as a chest cutter. (PAUSE) He's a paediatrician, Charlie we get very few pregnant soldiers
 
(The scene changes to the OR)
 
Houlihan- Pierce
 
Hawkeye-(In a girly voice) Coming mother (To Sheila) Nice job, that was good help
 
Sheila- Thankyou
 
(Hawkeye goes over to Houlihan)
 
Hawkeye- What's wrong?
 
Houlihan- I'm not sure
 
Hawkeye- That's perfect
 
Houlihan- I've never done this before
 
Hawkeye- Bet you can't remember the first time you said that. Just put a clamp on that other bleeder there
 
Mulcahy- Hawkeye, could I trouble you
 
Hawkeye- Coming father
 
(Hawkeye leaves Houlihan to help Father Mulcahy)
 
(The scene changes to Radars office where Radar is still trying to find a doctor)
 
Radar- Hi Harry, Radar O'Reilly over at the 4077th, listen has your outfit got a Major Anthony Macdonald, General surgeon. Huh, he changed to psychiatry, that's crazy
 
(Back to the OR)
 
Mulcahy- Is that really his gaulbladder i'm holding
 
Hawkeye- It aint his moneybelt partner
 
Houlihan- Ready to close now doctor
 
Hawkeye- I'll be right there, in the mean time look for your wrist watch (Father Mulcahy looks at him) Surgeons joke
 
Mulcahy- I don't feel well, would you be good enough to take this gaulbladder off my hands
 
Hawkeye- Ok (To nurse) Richardsons retractor
 
Houlihan- Pierce
 
Hawkeye- Just a second
 
(Father Mulcahy goes and sits down, Radar enters)
 
Radar- Hawk, Hawkeye
 
Hawkeye- Any luck
 
Radar- No I struck out I called Ocanowa, Seoul, Tokyo. Everybodys got the flu or they wont come or whatever
 
Hawkeye- We may have to close the war (To Sheila) Clamp
 
Sheila- I'm out of clamps
 
Hawkeye- Well get some quick
 
(She goes to leave)
 
Hawkeye- Not you, Father will you get us some clamps
 
Houlihan- Pierce, we've got to close him now
 
Hawkeye- Somebody get us a clamp, i'll be right there, wait a minute, wait a minute
 
(Everyone starts shouting at Hawkeye and each other, it's pandamonium in the OR)
 
Hawkeye- My kingdom for an intelligent octopus
 
(The scene changes to Blakes office where Margaret is typing, Hawkeye enters)
 
Hawkeye- Hi dear, having a tough day at the office
 
Houlihan- Just filling out the daily report
 
(Hawkeye hands her a wad of forms)
 
Hawkeye- Pints of blood used, pints of blood needed, patient progress reports and on page six you'll find my resignation, skipe every other word and you'll see it's also a suicids note
 
Houlihan- Dont be facicious
 
(Hawkeye goes to Blakes liquer cabinet and pours himself a drink)
 
Hawkeye- Alright then i'll go home as a deserter, in chains, anything
 
Houlihan- That will do Captain
 
Hawkeye- I dont care, im getting out of here one way or the other and im taking you with me Margaret. We'll send for Frank later
 
Houlihan- Have you examined the flu patients
 
Hawkeye- Franks temp is up, Henrys is down and Trappers seems to be hovering somewhere between Sheila and Shirley, he'll be able to play saturday in the big game with abnormal state. I'm going to sack out, do you want anything from me before I go?
 
(He lays sexily across the desk in front of her)
 
Hawkeye- I'm yours
 
Houlihan- Well I have something a bit more constructive. A new serum came in on the last chopper. They think it might prevent the flu, it's experimental
 
Hawkeye- Classic army thinking, locking the barn after the horse has the flu
 
Houlihan- We ought to immunise each other
 
Hawkeye- Margaret, another dream come true
 
Houlihan- I think we ought to give each other injections
 
Hawkeye- I'm no good with a needle, I never have been
 
Houlihan- I can taki it
 
Hawkeye- Where do you want it?
 
Houlihan- In my arm
 
(She rolls up her sleeve, he gives her the injection, she yelps with pain)
 
Hawkeye- Told you I was lousy. Maybe we are in a movie, your Betty Davis and i'm George Brent. You do me
 
(He hands her a syringe)
 
Houlihan- Roll up your sleeve
 
Hawkeye- Uhuh
 
Houlihan- What do you mean uhuh?
 
Hawkeye- I want mine in my tushy
 
Houlihan- Your what?
 
Hawkeye- Derrier, the back of my front, the fleshy part. I can't take pain I can only give it
 
Houlihan- Alright, lower your trousers
 
Hawkeye- I thought you'd never ask
 
Houlihan- Only as far as you have to. (He lowers his trousers and bends over the desk) Your just loving this arent you
 
Hawkeye- Arent you
 
Houlihan- Let me get at your hip
 
Hawkeye- Anytime darling
 
(Radar enters)
 
Radar- Sir (He looks up shocked) Excuse me, i'm sorry (He leaves, Hawkeye's in histerics, Houlihan injects him)
 
Hawkeye- Margaret that was fantastic. I hope you realise this means we're engaged
 
(Blake enters wrapped in a blanket)
 
Blake- Well
 
Hawkeye- Henry
 
Houlihan- Colonel
 
Blake- Mr and Mrs 4077th, at home in my office
 
Hawkeye- Should you be up?
 
Blake- I'm fine, i'm perfect
 
Hawkeye- You look like an advert for death
 
Blake- What kind of a bird moves into another birds nest while the Colonel bird is sick
 
Houlihan- Somebody had to take command
 
Blake- So you did it together, well that's double indemnity, that's what that is, i've seen it in a movie
 
(Hawkeye feels his forehead)
 
Hawkeye- Your burning up, get back in bed
 
Blake- No no, so you two can sit at my desk and smoke my cigars
 
Hawkeye- She couldn't help it Henry, she was drunk
 
Houlihan- Oh stop it
 
Blake- Forget it, just get out of there Mrs Judas (He takes off the blanket and moves around to behind his desk) Yes sir I am back on the bridge, i'm in command around here again
 
(Blake sits in his chair and Hawkeye and Houlihan watch as he slowly slides off the chair onto the floor)
 
Hawkeye- He went down with his desk
 
(The scene changes to Post Op, Hawkeye and Houlihan enter carrying Blake)
 
Hawkeye- Package for you lady, where do you want it
 
(Sheila points to a vacant bed)
 
Sheila- Right there doctor
 
Blake- I'm fine, just fine
 
Hawkeye- Alright Henry you just go to sleep and we'll leave a call for february (To Sheila) Same treatment he was getting before he went over the wall
 
Blake- Look at me sick in Korea. If I was home in Bloomington Illinois my wife would be taking care of me leaning over my bed with her hair in curlers, cold cream on her face and those chipped fingernails, kids playing ball against the side of the house, my dog at the foot of my bed having an accident. Boy am I glad i'm here
 
(He passes out on the pillow. Hawkeye goes over to Trapper who's getting dressed)
 
Hawkeye- What are you doing/
 
Trapper- Unless i've got amnesia this is how you dress right
 
Hawkeye- You strong enough to get back in the game
 
Trapper- I think im getting better, there's two of you there, there used to be three
 
Hawkeye- Good, you can do double hernias. Has your fever gone?
 
(Hawkeye feels his forehead)
 
Trapper- Mother used to kiss my forehead to find out
 
Hawkeye- We tried to reach your mother, she doesn't make housecalls
 
Trapper- Got any replacements
 
Hawkeye- We've been offered a veterinarian and a gynaecologist
 
Trapper- Great
 
Hawkeye- They'll be very helpful if we get a horse that's going through menopause
 
Trapper- Been rough, huh?
 
Hawkeye- I've had more fun at autopsies
 
Trapper- Well, help is here
 
(The nurse comes over)
 
Nurse- Doctor Pierce could you look at bed five
 
Hawkeye- Only if you'll look with me
 
(Frank tries to get up)
 
Houlihan- No Frank, I dont think you should
 
Burns- Macintyres getting up
 
Houlihan- Your sicker than he is, everybody knows that
 
Frank- My nose feels like it weighs five pounds
 
(He lays back down and Houlihan puts a cold compress on his head)
 
Houlihan- Frank i'm in command now. I can get a lot of things changed the way we want them
 
Burns-That's teriffic Louise
 
Houlihan- Louise, that's your wife
 
Burns- Where? Where?
 
Houlihan- Frank we're in Korea
 
Burns- Good, she'll never find us
 
Houlihan- Lie still
 
Burns- I'm alright, we're gonna have to get out of here
 
Houlihan- Why?
 
Burns- Too many people in this motel
 
(Thud. Hawkeye walks over to Trapper who's on the floor)
 
Hawkeye- What's up?
 
Mulcahy- It isn't Trapper
 
Trapper- I'm with yah Hawk, I can make it
 
Hawkeye- Fine, all we have to do is move the floor into the operating room
 
(They help him up)
 
Trapper- Let go, I can stand
 
(He falls back onto the bed)
 
Hawkeye- Sure if we screw you to the flagpole. Trap if you want to help me, dont help me. The only way you'll get better is if you let yourself be sick.
 
Trapper- I think I can manage that
 
(He collapses back onto the pillow, Radar enters)
 
Radar- Hawkeye, choppers on the way loaded with casualties, fifteen minutes at the most
 
(Radar leaves, Hawkeye throws Trappers jacket on the floor, annoyed)
 
Hawkeye- Alright Father get your tap shoes. Sheila! Margaret! Come on lets go
 
Houlihan- (To Frank) I have to go now Frank but i'll be back
 
Burns- Goodbye Nancy
 
Houlihan- Nancy?
 
Burns- You're the best receptionist I ever had
 
Houlihan- Frank
 
Burns- Honestly Louise we had to work late
 
(The scene changes to Radars office where Hawkeye and Radar are getting organised)
 
Hawkeye- Double requisition everything, we need whole blood, tap the kitchen staff and the korean personnel, I want a pint from everybody
 
Radar- I gave blood this morning, can I give again?
 
Hawkeye- It's too soon, anyway your blood is nearsighted
 
Radar- Is that possible?
 
Hawkeye- Keep checking for doctors
 
Radar- No one will listen
 
Hawkeye- Tell them you're acting on the direct orders of General Clayton
 
(Houlihan enters)
 
Houlihan- Just one moment Captain
 
Hawkeye- Radar, go
 
Houlihan- Stay
 
Hawkeye- I said go
 
Houlihan- And I said go
 
Radar- She outranks you, shes got more things on her uniform
 
Hawkeye- Shes got more things in her uniform. Go!
 
Radar-(To Houlihan) Sorry sir (He leaves)
 
Houlihan- I thought we understood that I am administration
 
Hawkeye- Let me tell you something administration, you know that little shot you gave me for the flu
 
Houlihan- Yes
 
Hawkeye- Well it worked, i've got it
 
Houlihan- (Concerned) Are you sure?
 
Hawkeye- I've got enough nausea to light up the city of Toledo, first im hot, then im cold, my knees are in business with themselves (She sits him down) My tongue has gone cashmere, and i'd like to find an all night latrine that takes servicemen. Now have I got the flu or am I just in love?
 
(She sticks a thermometer in his mouth and feels his forehead)
 
Houlihan- Do you think you can operate?
 
Hawkeye- I've got to, what do I tell the casualties, to stop bleeding until I feel better
 
Houlihan- You've got fever
 
Hawkeye- Believe me I've got fever to burn
 
Houlihan- I'm worried about you doctor
 
Hawkeye- You really are, aren't you? You know all those rotten things i've said to you, the nasty little tricks i played on you
 
Houlihan- Yes
 
Hawkeye- I'd like to get well and do them all over again
 
(He smiles and so does she)
 
(The scene changes to the OR, Hawkeye is operating assisted by Houlihan)
 
Hawkeye- Pickups
 
Houlihan- Pickups (Hands them to him) How do you feel?
 
Hawkeye- I have this teriffic thirst for embalming fluid
 
Houlihan- Are you gonna make it?
 
Hawkeye- That's up to you Margaret
 
Houlihan- You're incredible, as sick as you are, digging into somebodys guts and you can still propostion a nurse
 
Hawkeye- I've endowed a dirty old man to make a pass at you two years after i'm dead, it's in my will. Ok you close the skin
 
(He leaves to go to see Father Mulcahy and Sheila, and walks into a nurse on the way)
 
Hawkeye- (To nurse) Sorry (To Sheila) How's it going folks
 
Sheila- Bleedings under control. You look awful doctor
 
Hawkeye- I feel awful, it's a set. Saline solution for irrigation, get a retractor, Father pull that back for us. Get some suction
 
(Radar enters)
 
Radar- Hawkeye, Hawk, It's ok Hawk, I got 28 pints of blood
 
Hawkeye- You're a good man tiny Tim (To Sheila) Scalpel
 
Sheila- Scalpel
 
Hawkeye- (To Radar) Scrub up
 
Radar- Huh
 
Hawkeye- We need help around here. Kelly get him ready
 
Radar- I can't operate
 
Hawkeye- You're not gonna operate, your gonna help
 
Radar- How's my fainting gonna help
 
Hawkeye- Scrub up (To Mulcahy) Were just about finished Father
 
Mulcahy- Is he alright?
 
Hawkeye- Better than I am (To Sheila) Can you close or do you want me to get you started
 
Sheila- I can do it
 
Mulcahy- Hawkeye, was I alright
 
Hawkeye- Alright, i'm putting you in for the distinguished cross cross
 
(Radar enters in full scrubs)
 
Radar- You're making a terrible mistake
 
Hawkeye- If we did nothing else we got you to wash your hands. Right this way doctor
 
(He walks over to Houlihan)
 
Hawkeye- How you doing
 
Houlihan- Ok, I finished debrading the wound
 
Hawkeye- Hey, you know your better than Frank but then so is the patient. Radar you'll be assissting Major Houlihan, nurse, friend and all round good egg
 
Houlihan- He's very sick
 
(He leaves her and goes to another patient)


Hawkeye- Ok gang, ours is not to question why. (To Nurse) Mayel scissors
 
Houlihan- (To Radar) Let me have a clamp
 
Radar- A what?
 
Houlihan- A clamp
 
Radar- Which one is a clamp
 
Houlihan- There (She points)
 
Announcer- Attention all personnel, here is the latest news from armed forces radio, Stockholm, Dr Ralph Bunch has just won the nobel peace prize, Moscow- Joseph Stalin has just announced he has been unanimously reelected ruler of Russia, Paris- French army today predicted it would bring a swift end to the vietnamese war, Detroit- The automobile industry reached its production target of 6.5 million cars, Korea- ammunition and material shortages continue to hinder the allied war effort
 
(The scene changes to Post Op where Hawkeye is in bed sick being visited by Trapper, Blake, Burns and Houlihan)
 
Blake- In recognition of your outstanding service and dedication and as a token of our admiration, this scroll has been signed by every member of the 4077th
 
(They present him with a roll of toilet paper)
 
Hawkeye- That really hits me where I live, thanks
 
Burns- Nice going buddy
 
Hawkeye- I'll never be able to look at this without thinking of you Frank
 
Houlihan- You were superb
 
Hawkeye- Thanks chief
 
(Radar enters wearing a scrub top and carrying a thermometer)
 
Radar- Alright people lets break it up, I ordered bed rest for this patient
 
(He sticks the thermometer in Hawkeyes mouth, grabs his wrist to take his pulse, looks at his own wrist to check his watch to find he's not wearing one)

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Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
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