The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of ANGELA PATERSON.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(The scene begins in the OR where the personnel of the 4077th are once again swamped with casualties)

Trapper- Beautiful stitching Frank

Burns- Thanks

Trapper- You used to do baseball gloves right (He walks away)

Houlihan- Just ignore him Frank

(The orderlies bring in another patient for Trapper, who examines his Xrays. Hawkeye is across the room working on another patient)

Hawkeye-(Extracting a piece of shrapnel) We've got enough shrapnel here to make a nine iron, that's twelve fragments so far

Trapper- This guys a walking junk yard too

Hawkeye- Hey are all these people Koreans

Trapper- Now that you mention it

Houlihan- If you'd read the surgery scehdule you'd know they were. The village of Tai Dong was shelled this morning

Hawkeye- They were probably asking for it, washing their babies, having their breakfast, committing other acts of agression

Trapper- I was in Tai Dong last week, there's no enemy artillery near that place

Burns- I insist on quiet in here

Trapper- Will someone please turn the war down for Frank

Hawkeye- (Staring at a piece of shrapnel he just pulled out of his patient) Hey Trap, look at this

(The scene changes to Blakes office where Blake is busy shining his golf balls, while Hawkeye is trying to show him a map)

Hawkeye- Here we are and here's Tai Dong about eight kilometres south of us. (Henry is not paying attention) Henry

Burns- Eight kilometres south of us. I'm listening

Hawkeye- Do you mind looking at Korea

Blake- Every single morning. You know I've been here all these months and sometimes I wake up and wonder, what has my wife done to the bedroom

Hawkeye- This morning the village of Tai Dong was shelled and the only artillery unit anywhere near it was the 348th.

Blake- Which of them are they?

Hawkeye- It is not they, and it is not them, it is us. The good guys, we clobbered them

Blake- Oops

Hawkeye- At least. Now do you want to take out the oops forms and tell the whole class about it

(Radar enters)

Radar- Sir

Hawkeye- (To Blake) Instant Corporal. (To Radar) You wanna get me the...

Blake- Pierce hold it. Now look this is a very serious charge, i mean you've got to have some proof for pete sake, lets not go off half cocked

Hawkeye- Well then lets go off all cocked, but lets go off. (To Radar) Get me the forms will yah

Radar- What forms am I getting?

Blake- The ones he wants

Radar- Oh that Tai Dong thing

(Radar leaves and Trapper enters carrying a test tube with the fragments they extracted)

Trapper- Hey, just what we thought. I checked with a guy in artillery. These fragmetns are as American as apple pie and Napalm

Hawkeye- What was that about proof Henry?

Blake- I just want ot remind you how thrilled the army is about people who rock the boat

Hawkeye- Women and Colonels first Henry

Trapper- Anyway we're not in the Army

Hawkeye- That is we're in the Army, but were not army. Little a as opposed to big a

Blake- Uhhuh, well you file that report and the armys gonna put your big a and your little a in a sling

(Blake leaves carrying his golf club and golf balls, he passes Radar on his way in)

Blake- Radar if you want me I wont be anywhere

Radar- Yes sir. (To Hawkeye) Hawkeye, here you go (Hands him a folder)

Hawkeye- Is that everything, you got all the necessary forms

Radar- There's enough red tape in there to keep anybody happy

Hawkeye- We want the army to take responsibility for the shelling

Trapper- And full compensation for the village

Radar- Are you guys making this report together

Trapper- Why not

Hawkeye- And then afterwards, hand in hand we're jumping off lovers ridge

Radar- Boy, you've sure got guts, sirs

Hawkeye- Well if we dont we know where to get em, we're doctors

Radar- Well I mean you're the first officers I ever saw who would stick by their principles no matter what (Hawkeye and Trapper go to leave) Except for that Colonel who reported the PX kickbacks

Hawkeye- What Colonel?

Radar- You know, Private Johnson

(Hawkeye and Trapper can be seen walikng across the compound looking at Xrays while an announcement is made)

Announcer- Attention all personnel, due to circumstances beyond our control lunch will be served today

(Hawkeye and Trapper are next seen in the swamp. Hawkeye is sitting down looking over some papers while Trapper pours drinks for both himself and Hawkeye from the still)

Hawkeye- Is this a new batch?

Trapper- The newest, dry enough for yah?

Hawkeye- Is what dry enough?

Trapper- Tried a new filter system, charcoal and sweat socks

Hawkeye- (Quickly puts the drink aside, he looks at the forms he has to fill in) Lets see here. Type of engagement, Air strike, armoured attack, atomic. Multiple choice disasters

Trapper- (Reading a different form) Listen to this in completing attached form 2759/6J12 delete printed reference to World War II and substitute Korean police action (He passes the form to Hawkeye)

Hawkeye- This is surplus. The least they could do is give our war its own stationery

Trapper- Well what have we got to do here

(Burns enters and takes off his jacket)

Burns- Well I see the bar is open (Throws jacket on his bunk and walks across the tent) Pig pen, brothel

Hawkeye- (Still reading the forms, sticks his hand up) Here sir

Trapper- (Sticks hand up and shouts) Yo!

Burns- (Goes to his side table and picks up his shaving brush) Where's my razor?

Hawkeye-Shaving your legs again Frank?

Burns- I don't think it's so all fired sophisticated to walk around with a beard

Trapper- You ought to try it sometime Frank, women love it

Burns-Oh Ill bet

Hawkeye- Really, come here (Burns walks over to Hawkeye) Kiss me (Burns, annoyed does a quick about turn while Trapper and Hawkeye are in fits of giggles)

(Burns turns his back on Hawkeye and Trapper to apply some shaving cream, while he is doing this Trapper and Hawkeye make silent signals at each other, such as the OK sign or pointing at each other)

Burns- (Annoyed, quickly turns around) Caught yah

Trapper- (With hand in mid air) Caught what?

Burns- Making one of your obscene gestures behind my back

Hawkeye- Which one?

Burns- (Going to show them the gesture but then thinking better of it) You know the one that...

(Hawkeye and Trapper are in histerics)

Hawkeye- (Walking over to Burns) Frank, truce ok, truce

Burns- Huh, last time we had a truce I found peanut butter in my stethescope

Hawkeye- We're going to submit a report to Seoul about the shelling of Tai Dong

Trapper- We were the three surgeons on duty Frank, we all should sign it

Burns- Are you guys loony, I'm not getting involved. Im not signing anything and I never knock any team i'm on

Hawkeye- I'm sorry alright

Burns- For what?

Hawkeye- For everything, the peanut butter in your stethescope

Trapper- (Walks across the room to join them) The ether in your aftershave

Burns- And autographing my mothers picture (He picks up the picture and reads) Dear Frank, dad was not your father, love mum

Hawkeye- Let it be a blanket sorry (Tries to give him the form) Just sign this for old times sake

Trapper- For new times sake

Burns- I'm not making any waves

Trapper- Frank, come on, listen, you cant turn your back on those people you operated on some of them

Burns- I dont remember operating on anyone

Hawkeye- (Annoyed, picks up and envelope) Oh really what about all this iron confetti your saving for a souvenier

Burns- (Tries to grab the envelope) Give me those fragments (they struggle and the fragments end up on the floor, they both bend down to pick them up) You guys are not gonna get me in dutch

Hawkeye- (Almost begging) Frank, one decent act, if you dont like it you dont have to do it again

Burns- Go fish

(The scene changes, Radar can be seen walking across the compound towards Colonel Blakes tent followed by a Major)

Announcer- Attention PFC Leicester Pascal will pay five dollars for a hot letter form home

(Radar knocks lightly on Blakes tent, when Blake doesn't wake up he knocks louder)

Radar- Colonel Blake

Blake- (Half asleep) I don't start till nine leave your name with my service

Radar- Sir this is your service, there's someone important here to see you

Blake- How do you know?

Radar- He has a briefcase

Blake- Come in

(Blake sits up, with his eye mask still on and Radar shows the Major in)

Stoner- Thankyou (He salutes, Radar salutes back and Blake is still half asleep, Stoner looks up to see Leslies washing hanging up, Bras and tights. Radar quickly starts to take the washing down)

Radar- Sir, i'll take this  stuff back to the laundry that made a terrible mistake, Colonel this is Major Stoner, Adjatent Inspector General

Blake- (Jumps up startled, removes his eye mask) Oh my this is somewhat of a frightening honour (They shake hands)

Stoner- I'm here because our office received a 2759/6J12

Blake- (Confused) Oh I can well imagine (Shows him a chair) Why dont you just sit down here Major

Stoner- (Sits down) Thankyou

Blake- (Sitting down himself) Er just what exactly is a 2759/ whatever, I know it's too big for a shoe size (Radar who is behind him still taking down the laundry, clears his throat as if to tell the Colonel to be serious)  2759 is a what?

Stoner- It's a request for an investigation filed by two of your surgeons, a Captain Benjamin Franklyn Pierce

Radar- (Whispered) Hawkeye

Stoner- Captain John Macintyre

Radar- (Whispered)  Trapper

Stoner-  (Looking at Radar uncomfortably) Colonel this matter is highly classified

Blake- (With a vacant expression) Classified

Stoner- Not for everyones ears

Blake- Oh sure, the Corporals been thoroughly cleared I did it myself

Stoner- I beg your pardon

Blake- Radar didn't you fill out those top secret forms on yourself

Radar- Yes sir

Blake- And didn't I sign where you told me too

Radar- Yes sir

Blake- Well there you go. Clear as mothers milk

Stoner- Are you clear Colonel?

Blake- Well didn't we clear each other

(Radar looks shocked at this suggestion)

(The scene changes to Radars office where Radar has his feet up on the desk reading a comic. Burns and Houlihan enter, Radar jumps to his feet)

Houlihan- Corporal

Radar- Yes sir

Burns- Try maam once

Radar- Yes maam (He sits down)

Houlihan- Where's Colonel Blake

Radar- Ah, he went off with Major Stoner

Burns- Major Stoner?

Radar- Yes sir

Burns- (Angrily) You stand up when you address an officer

Radar- (Once again standing to attention) Yes sir

Burns- Do I know anything about this Major Stoner?

Radar- I don't know that you know anything at all sir

Houlihan- (Annoyed) Where is Major Stoner?

Radar- Ah, he's gone off with Colonel Blake

Houlihan- (To Burns) I wonder where he's from

Radar- Bloomington, Illinois

Houlihan- What?

Radar- The Colonel's from Bloomington, it's a town. I'm from Iowa myself which is quite a coincidence when you think about it

Houlihan- (Annoyed) Where the Major is from

Radar- Oh he's from the Inspector Generals office

Burns- (To Houlihan) Tai Dong, lets go (They begin to walk towards the door and Radar begins to sit back down) You will continue to stand until I leave your sight

Radar- (Quickly jumping back to attention) It will be a pleasure maam

Houlihan- Sir

Radar- Er yes sir, maam

(Burns and Houlihan look at each other with a look of defeat, tut and leave)

(The scene changes to post op where Hawkeye is examining a Korean patient with a broken leg and a bandaged head)

Hawkeye- (To Ginger, a nurse) Change the dressing Ginger and then she can go back to whatever's left of her home

Ginger- Orders on the other two

Hawkeye- Yeah discontiue IV start them on clear liquids

(Colonel Blake and Major Stoner enter)

Blake- Pierce, Pierce this is Major Stoner of the Inspector Generals office

(Hawkeye and the Major shake hands)

Stoner- Captain i'm here about your request, the alleged shelling of Tai Dong

Hawkeye- Alleged!

Blake- Pierce

Hawkeye- These patients look alleged to you (Points to one of the patients) This woman was nearly alleged to death

Stoner- Oh now Captain hold it

Hawkeye- Oh one of those hold it fellas hah, I'm going ahead with this Major I dont care how much you threaten me (He walsk away)

Blake- You never threatened him Major (Walks over to Hawkeye) Pierce come on don't start that threatening talk, I'm warning you

Stoner- Captain im here to get this investigation rolling and im counting on your cooperation. (Hawkeye hesitates) I should tell you I admire the courage it took to report this

Hawkeye- (Pulls out the tube full of fragments he extracted and gives it to Stoner) Anti personnel fragments, ours (He hands him a folder) Full set of Xrays, complete medical profiles on all the victims, complete

(Burns and Houlihan can be seen eaves dropping through the window of the door to post op)

Blake- Gentlemen, this is a hospital

(They begin to walk towards the door where Burns and Houlihan are)

Stoner- These shrapnel fragments should be the clincher, there could even be a commendation in it for you Pierce

Hawkeye- Oh no just a simple honourable discharge and fifty thousand a year tax free, but that's negotiable

Houlihan- Colonel Blake

Blake- (Spotting Burns and Houlihan, he introduces them) Oh Major Houlihan, Major Stoner

Houlihan- Major

Stoner- Major

Blake- Major, Major Burns, Major Stoner

Burns- Major

Stoner- Major

Hawkeye- Major Pierce (Shakes hands with Blake)

Blake- Major

Hawkeye- Well I think we made a Major breakthrough here

(Houlihan gives Burns a dig in the ribs, he looks at her and then talks to Major Stoner)

Burns- I was on duty that day with Pierce and Macintyre, in fact I was ranking surgeon

Stoner- Well then you should have filed the report

Houlihan- He was involved with a case

Hawkeye- It takes a long time to filet a patient

Burns- Where do I sign?

Stoner- The report's already been processed, needless to say this is very sensitive material, top secret, total silence must be observed. Understood Colonel

Blake- Oh, er cross my heart (He makes a cross gesture over his heart)

Stoner- Pierce, you'll be hearing from us

Hawkeye- Good enough

Stoner- (To Blake) Shall we

Blake- Yes (Blake and Stoner leave)

Houlihan- (Shouting, clearly angry)  Why didn't you let him sign

Hawkeye- Let him, we begged him too, we begged him to do the decent thing ((Hawkeye goes through to post op leaving Burns and Houlihan alone)

Houlihan-(Shocked) Frank

Burns- Well how do I know what the decent thing is

(The scene changes to the mess tent where Radar and Hawkeye are eating and Trapper is reading the paper)

Hawkeye- (Stabbing the mystery meat with his fork and holding it up) Clever the way the cook sculpts grease into the shape of lamb chops

 

Radar- What are we eating?

Hawkeye- Dont ask me  I only had a year at post mortem

(Burns enters carrying some papers)

Burns- Can I get a few details from you?

Hawkeye- About what?

Burns- The Tai Dong business im filing my own report on the number of wounded and mutilated. I feel the more the merrier, dont you?

Hawkeye- (Looks over at Trapper) It has a nice Genghis Khan feeling (moving over to let Burns sit down) Welcome aboard

Burns- (Sits down next to Hawkeye) Thanks. I send this right to Stoner right

Hawkeye- If you can reach him. A week and a half, he hasn't come to the phone. It's a long time to spend in the bathroom

Radar- Well he is an officer (Gets up and leaves)

Trapper- (Still reading the paper spots an article) Hey we made the papers. Tai Dong shelled, the Army revealed that the South Korean village of Tai Dong sustained damage and casualties as a result of enemy artillery attack

Hawkeye- Enemy artillery

Trapper- Any questions

Burns- Well i'm sure glad the Army straightened that out (Gets up and leaves)

Hawkeye- Now we know how Dryfus felt when he read his story in stars and stripes

(The scene changes to Radars office where Hawkeye is on the phone to Major Stoner, while Trapper and Radar are sitting in the background)

Stoner- Colonel, how are yah?

Hawkeye- Not to good actually, I just read your article in stars and stripes and my belly button fell out

Stoner- Who is this? Captain Pierce?

Hawkeye- No it's sucker Pierce and his sidekick Huckleberry Dumbbell

Stoner- Well look Captain I just got back from Okanowa and the first thing that hit me was that copy of stars and stripes and frankly I was shocked

Hawkeye- I would thing you would be

Stoner- Look Pierce, I promise yah, heads will roll im going to the top on this one, you'll get you satisfation. The people of Tai Dong will be taken care of, you have my word

Hawkeye- ok Major, goodbye

Stoner- Bye

Hawkeye- (To Trapper) The Major happens to be the Korean ditributor for crapola. Gentlemen i believe the ball is in our court

(Hawkeye is in post op, late at night, everyone is  asleep and he's writing a letter home to his dad)

Hawkeye- Dear Dad, you always said Senator Baxter was good for a favour because of all your work in the primaries, well I got a favour that needs doing. There's a little village over here called Tai Dong, or at least there was

(The scene changes to the OR, Hawkeye is just leaving the OR, he pushes the door open and squashes Radar behind it as he cant keep his eyes off a nurse)

Hawkeye- Wanna play sardines tonight

Nurse- Sardines

Hawkeye- My tent, i'll bring the oil

Radar- Hawkeye, can I see you for a sec

Hawkeye- (Still staring at the nurse as she walks away) One second. (He goes over to the sink to wash his hands) What's up Radar?

Radar- I have a problem

Hawkeye- Radar, Radar, we give you these lectures, we show you these training films

Radar- Come on im serious. If there's a certain man to be doctor around here sent a certain letter to a certain male parent not his mother to get in touch with a certain (An orderly walks by, he pauses) senator about a certain favour he shouldn't be to certain that the certain letter didn't end up in a certain whole other place. (Discreetly hands him a clipboard, Hawkeye, furious storms out and goes over to Blakes office)

(Blake office, Hawkeye and Blake are shouting at each other)

Blake- I didn't do it! Your mails being stopped at division HQ

Hawkeye- That letter was between me and my father, damn it (He throws the clipboard down, breaking the arm of a doll of a geisha girl Blake had on his desk

Blake- (Picking up the doll) Hey I just got her. I've got to glue the arm

Hawkeye- I'll glue you Henry. Whatever happened to personal liberty around here? Why am I bothering to ask. Maybe I better go down to Seoul an dtell this to the papers (He walks towards the door) Or to Edward R Murro if he's in  town

Blake- Pierce

Hawkeye- What is it? What?

Blake- I wouldn't try to leave camp

Hawkeye- (Shocked) Wh, I'm under arrest

Blake- I didn't say that, you're restricted

Hawkeye- That means im under arrest

Blake- Not at all, you're only restricted up to the point where, er, where er, you're under arrest

Hawkeye- Henry what's happened to you. Did you smeak off behind our backs and enlist. You're regular army now

Blake- Sit down Pierce, that's an order

Hawkeye- You're forcing me to stand

Blake- Please

Hawkeye- That's an order I can take (He sits down)

Blake- Now just hold your bladder Pierce (He picks up a piece of paper) This poop sheets just come from General Claytons office, down in Seoul. The Army has started rebuilding Tai Dong. It's going to be better then it ever was. All new housing, a temple, a town hall with inside toilets, a shopping centre, and they're getting the first soft ice cream stand in all of East Asia. Well?

Hawkeye- (Still angry)  That's terrific. i'm glad, now what about rebuilding the truth. (He snatches the letter) This is compensation, where's their admission of responsibility

Blake- (Shouting) Well soft ice cream is a pretty good admission (Hawkeye gets up and picks up the phone) Who are you calling?

Hawkeye- I'm going right over your fly to General Clayton

Blake- Wait a minute what do you wan to call the General for, you've got one out of two, your batting five hundred

(Radar enters)

Radar- The Generals on his way here Hawk

Blake- (Picks up his Geisha doll in anger and snaps the other arm) I begged you not to call the General. Now he's on his way

Hawkeye- You broke the other arm

Blake- And I broke the other arm

(Hawkeye gets up and leaves, Blake looks disparingly at his doll, Radar pulls a tube out of his pocket and offers it to Blake)

Radar- Here's the glue sir

Blake- You can't get arms

(The General can be seen pulling into the compound in his jeep. We see Blake through the window in his office having one last drink. The General stops in front of Hawkeye and Trapper who are with a nurse. They all salute as the General climbs out of the jeep)

Clayton- Ah Pierce. Macintyre. Nice to see you taking it easy. (He walks past them only to double back) No wouded huh

Hawkeye- Except for us

Clayton- Ha, ha, ha that sense of humour (He walks off towards Blakes office)

(Houlihan and Burns can be seen spying on them from the bushes)

Burns- Disgusting, look at them, sucking up the General

(Hawkeye and Trapper follow the General into Blakes office)

Clayton- Henry

Blake- General

Clayton- How would you erm, you know just to get us started, like a little refreshment

(Clayton sits down in Blakes chair while Trapper and Hawkeye sit the other side leaving Blake standing)

Hawkeye- Want to slip into your barbecue apron Henry

Blake- I mean a drink, how would you like a drink. You know as kind of an ice breaker

Clayton- Oh dont think that will be necessary

Blake- Well I dont either it was just a thought. What'll you have?

Clayton- My usual

Blake- Coming up one sherry and ginger ale (Henry is seen in the background fixing a drink for the General while the others talk)

Clayton- Alright then lets talk Tai Dong

Hawkeye- General we get the distinct impression that your people have been pouring tons of manure on this whole thing in the hope that something beautiful will grow

Blake- I dont think you should say manure to the General

Trapper- If the shoe fits

Blake- Well there is that

Hawkeye- We've been getting double talk in triplicate

Trapper- unanswered calls

Blake- (Hands him a drink) I've seen the plans for the rebuilding General

Hawkeye- Sensored mail

Blake- Inside toilets, soft ice cream

Hawkeye-(Sarcastically) Makes you feel the whole war is worth while

Blake- (As the General sips his drink) Hope that's ok. Little more ginger ale

Trapper- Look that's fien just bring the check

Clayton- We're doing everything we can for these people. We've awarded a contractor a six million dollar rebuilding deal

Trapper- Oh that's a fair price for a two million dollar job

Hawkeye- Turns out a hundred thousand dollars per head we knocked off

Clayton- Now hold it fella the other guy did that it was a North Korean attack

Blake- It was in all the papers

Trapper- (Irate) Look General we operated on a lot of those casualties

Hawkeye- We got Xrays, medical records, we've even got shrapnel fragments

Trapper- You've got em all

Hawkeye- We gave them to Major Stoner

Clayton- Stoner. Stoner? Oh yes he's doing a bang up job for com sur pack in Honolulu

Trapper- (Looks at Hawkeye) Uh oh

Hawkeye- Put all your fragments in your com sur pack and smile, smile, smile

Clayton- Look boys, a little word of fatherly advice huh, you're not regular army, you think you're gonna leave here and pick up your civilian practice and that's that. Listen everything they put on your record like agitator, boat rocker itg gonna follow you. The armies got mighty long arms

Hawkeye- Oh come on!

Clayton- Let me finish Captain

Blake- I was just gonna suggest that

Clayton- You find your work here difficult, distasteful, but you are back here, behind the lines, it's relatively calm

Hawkeye- (To Trapper) Oh definately I was thinking of building a house here after the war

Clayton- You could easily find yourself assigned to a first aid station, right where it's happening

Trapper- You serious

Clayton- I'm getting pressure from above. Look, look, lets..play ball huh, for the good of the outfit. You dont want to give the red, white and blue a black eye

Blake- Boy that gets you right where you live sir

Hawkeye- (Getting ready to leave) I've got to hand it to you General. You got rid of the evidence, you got rid of the guy who knew the evidence and now if we press this you'll take away our breathing priviledges. Take another star out of petty cash.

(Just as he and Trapper are about to leave Burns and Houlihan knock on the door, Frank is carrying a file)

Houlihan- General Clayton, we'd like to see you sir

Blake- Er not now ladies

Burns- I've got a stake in this to General and I'm not going to be left out

Houlihan- Fair is fair, Major Burns was on duty that day

Burns- Indeed I was. I pulled American shrapnel out of those poor villagers myself

Houlihan- He saved some of the fragments

Burns- Under my pillow

Hawkeye- The fragment fairy will reward you, go on Frank

Clayton- Oh no need to, this matter is closed

Blake- They're getting a brand new temple, it's never been prayed in

Burns- I also have these Xrays and completely documented medical records

Trapper- Go Frank Go

Burns- The thought of commendation never entered my mind when I decided to report this terrible but human mistake made by a few of our own brutal but well meaning fighting men

Houlihan- The signed affidavits are by Major Burns and by myself who was also there

Clayton- (Stands up and pauses for thought) This requires a little rethink and reevaluation

Hawkeye- We reagree with you General

Clayton- Henry get me a driver

Blake- (Pulling out a driver golf club) Certainly  (Radar enters)

Radar- The Generals driver's waiting sir

Clayton- Hell even the army has to take its lumps. I guess this is one of those times

Hawkeye- (Taking the file of Frank) We'll send this to you after we read our story in stars and stripes

Trapper- Page on this time (He and Hawkeye turn to leave)

Hawkeye- Yeah not back under page fourteen under pro station addresses

Clayton- (Following them towards the door) I'll tell you what, you write it up and I'll get it printed)

(Hawkeye gestures for Radar to give Clayton the file that he has in his hand, he does)

Blake- (Hands Clayton his gun belt) Your gun sir (Still holding the golf club he calls after him as he leaves) Oh you forgot your driver

Hawkeye- (Looking at Burns and Houlihan) Are they something

Trapper- oh I love em

Hawkeye-Take her he's mine

(Trapper grabs Houlihan and pushes her onto Blakes desk and starts to kiss her, while she screams, meanwhile Hawkeye chases Frank around the desk)

(The scene changes to the OR where Hawkeye is oncce again operating, Radar stands at the end of the table)

Radar- Hawkeye (No response) Hawkeye, you busy

Hawkeye- Just changing a tyre, what is it?

Radar- This letter came special delivery, I thought it might be important

Blake- With your luck you've been drafted

Hawkeye- Hold this Nurse

Blake- Hold your own nurse, i'm busy

Hawkeye- (To Radar)  Read the letter.

Radar-( opens it)  Are you ready?

Hawkeye- Yeah

Radar- (He reads) May 24th 1951, Dear son, (He looks up) Its from your father

Hawkeye- Good guess

Radar- I'm afraid Senator Baxter can not be much help to you, it seems he was just indigted for influence peddling and faces twenty years in the pokey. (Hawkeye and Blake laugh) Er there's more. Sure makes me sorry I stuffed the ballot box for him, love Dad

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Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
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