The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of ANGELA PATERSON.
"M*A*S*H" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION in association with CBS. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
==========================


(The scene begins with Radar, Hawkeye, Trapper and Ugly John in the swamp playing Poker, Ugly John is asleep still holding his cards)

Hawkeye- Ok sports fans, you ready for the next hand

Trapper- My last hand was more like a foot

Radar- Hahaha (Hawkeye gives him a dirty look) I thought that was funny

Trapper- When your winning rigamortis is funny. How about Ugly John?

Hawkeye- He's been playing the same hand for the last hour

Trapper- Winning or losing

Hawkeye- A little of each

Trapper- Well, wake him up

Hawkeye- No, forget it this is the first i've enjoyed him

Radar- Open for five

Trapper- Call

Hawkeye- I'm in shorty

Radar- Stop making fun of my height

Hawkeye- What height, you have no height to make fun of. Go get some height and well make fun of it

Radar- Hold on. Choppers

Hawkeye- (to ugly John) Come on, wars back in the game

(Hawkeye, Trapper and Radar leave, Ugly John looks at his cards)

Ugly John- Hey mateys, look ace high flush

Hawkeye-(through the tent wall) That was two hours ago

(The scene changes to the OR)

Hawkeye- Those cats in the North really know how to break up a poker game

Ugly John- They save me money but I hate their methods

Trapper- Why don't we have a war sometime with blank ammunition

Hawkeye- We tried it, no casualties, no fun

Burns- There's too much chatter, it's distracting

Hawkeye- Especially if you dont know what your doing

Blake- Pierce, do you mind, we've got five more cases prepped and ready

Trapper- Tell them there'll be an hour wait for a table

Hawkeye- Put them in the bar, send them a drink

Frank-(To assistant) I said clamp, clamp, come on move it

Hawkeye-(Throws a clamp at Frank) Here you go Frank

Burns- Colonel Blake did you see that?

Blake- Yeah, hes a great hitter but he's got a lousy arm

Burns- I don't need your help Pierce

Hawkeye- Better check with your patient on that

(The scene changes to the mess tent where Radar is eating a huge plate of food, Trapper passes him the ketchup)

Hawkeye- Psychologically that kind of eating indicates hostility, aggression

Trapper- Destructiveness

Hawkeye- Why dont we get him to eat North Korea. What he doesn't finish he can take home in a doggy bag

Radar- Do you mind

Trapper- If it's important

Burns- Pierce, I want to ask you a question

Hawkeye- No you may not borrow my fork

Burns- Why do you find it neccessary to make my life miserable in the OR

Hawkeye- Mainly because you're so consistent

Burns- I'm just trying to do my job

Hawkeye- You screwed up today, like you do every other day, that's what I call consistent

Burns- Would you mind telling me how I did

Houlihan- Frank your only dignifying him

Hawkeye- Which is more than I would do for you

Burns- Well

Hawkeye- You think your the only one who's busy, you asked for help three times today, three (To Trapper) Give me some salt I can still taste this (To Frank) And when you make a mistake your not smart enough to admit it and start over, were not here to compensate for you

Trapper- I'll buy that

Ugly John- Me too

Burns- Well I dont buy it

Houlihan- Neither do I

Trapper- It's a tie, two against fifty

Hawkeye- You're inconsiderate, demanding with your nurses, bloody arrogant, demanding, distracting and dumb

Radar- Wow

Hawkeye- Those are your good points, you're also sugically incompetent

Burns- I'm

Hawkeye- I wouldn't let you operate on me for dandruff

Houlihan- This is outrageous

Hawkeye- You keep out of this. Where was I?

Radar- Surgically incompetent

Hawkeye- Surgically incompetent, right and finally and definatively you are a pain in the gluteous maximus

Houlihan- Frank, did you hear that

Trapper- Would you like me to translate

Burns- You cant talk to me like that, not and get away with it (He stands up and waves his fork in Hawkeyes face)

Hawkeye- What are you going to do, eat me?

(The scene changes to Colonel Blakes tent, Blake has just climbed into bed, throws his alarm clock into his boot and covers it with a sock, just as he lays down Radar enters)

Radar- Knock, knock sir

Blake- This better be important Radar

Radar- It's major Houlihan sir she's throwing a fit

Blake- Give her a distemper shot. I've got to get some sleep

Radar- She says if you don't come she's going to inform General Clayton

Blake- twenty thousand miles from home and I'm still aggrivated by a woman. Sometimes I think my wife operates Major Houlihan by remote control

Radar- What should I tell her sir

Blake- You go right to Major Houlihan, you set your jaw firmly, look into those cool, killer eyes of hers and tell her i'll be right there

Radar- Yes sir

(The scene changes to the swamp where Hawkeye is in bed asleep, Radar enters)

Radar- Hawkeye (he taps him)

Hawkeye- Go away

Radar- Colonel Blake wants to see you in his office right away

Hawkeye- Tell him I died and didn't leave a forwarding address

Radar- Hawkeye

Hawkeye- Would you..(he gives in and gets up, Radar hands him his robe)

(The scene changes to Colonel Blakes office)

Houlihan- Typical, Colonel Blake calls you into his office and you chew him out

Hawkeye- You wokeme out of one of the sexiest dreams of all time to discuss morale

Blake- Pierce, morale is important

Hawkeye- Absolutely, but how can we discuss something we don't have

Houlihan- We don't have any because of your disruptive influence

Hawkeye- I deny that

Houlihan- It's true

Hawkeye- In that case I admit it

Houlihan- The idea of reporting to your commanding officer wearing nothing but a robe

Hawkeye- Would you like me to take it off?

Blake- Pierce, that rucass you had with Frank has already spread through the whole outfit

Hawkeye- So what, everybody already knows about old butterfingers, that's not news

Houlihan- Colonel, if he continues i'm going to file a formal complaint

Hawkeye- And i'll file a counter complaint against Frank Burns impersonating a surgeon and masquerading as a human being

Houlihan- He's impossible

Hawkeye- See even she agrees

Blake- Pierce I want you to patch it up

Hawkeye- There's nothing to patch up unless Frank's been operating again

Blake- He wants you to apologise

Houlihan- In public, the way you insulted him

Hawkeye- Apologise like, I'm sorry Frank, you're a great guy and a fine surgeon. If I tried to say that my tongue would snap off its roller

Blake- Pierce

Hawkeye- People have to be warned that Frank Burns is dangerous with sharp instruments like scalpels and probes

Blake- Pierce listen, there is a war on

Hawkeye- Nothing gets past you Henry. See you in the funny papers (He leaves and Margaret gives Henry a menacing look)

(The scene changes to the OR where Hawkeye is operating assisted by Margaret)

Hawkeye- Oh boy this kid needs more than a new set of plugs. Look at that

Houlihan- Illiac artery?

Hawkeye- The lace curtain effect, it's done by a fragmentation grenade. Give me some suction here

Houlihan- Suction

Hawkeye- Whats the score John

Ugly John- He's doing pretty well considering what you're doing to him

Hawkeye- Ok, the bleeding seems to have stopped, let me have that bone cutter

Houlihan- Bone cutter

 

Hawkeye- Interior vaterbral body is fractured, i'm going to go after that big fragment. Forceps

Houlihan- Forceps. Do you think he'll be paralysed?

Hawkeye- Not if these ten fingers haven't lost their magic. There we are folks (he holds up a piece of shrapnel) Made in USA

Houlihan- You're joking

Hawkeye- Just wanted to see if you were awake

(The scene changes to post  OP where Hawkeyes patient looks in bad shape. Hawkeye is talking to a nurse)

Hawkeye- Private Thompson

Nurse- You did him yesterday, multiple fragment wounds, laserated illiac artery

Hawkeye- So what's his problem aside from the fact he ought to be back home with his girlfriend at the movies

Nurse- He has a fever, abdominal pain, urinary output 50cc an hour, pulse rate 112, blood pressure 110 over 70

Hawkeye- I've hear better news in my time

(They go over to the patient, Hawkeye examines the wound)

Hawkeye- Hiya

Nurse- This is Dr Pierce, he operated on you

Thompson- Hi Doc

Hawkeye- How's it going

Thompson- Lousy

Hawkeye- Well that figures, you were on the table a long time. I was beginning to think we were going steady

Thompson- My gut hurts

Hawkeye- I'll be right back. Dont run off and re-enlist

(He walks away to talk to the nurse)

Hawkeye- How's his temperature

Nurse- 101

Hawkeye- Oh teriffic

(Trapper enters)

Trapper- Hey how about a round of golf this afternoon, after the mortar barrage last night we've got a 19th and 20th hole

Hawkeye- No I can't (To Nurse) Start him on IV penicillin he may be developing a wound infection and I want to get a blood count so bring me the tubes right away

Nurse- Yes sir (She leaves)

Trapper- Somebody double cross you

Hawkeye- Yeah, that kid over there, yesterday I repaired a hole in his illiac artery, I removed a large fragment near his spinal chord

Trapper- Hm, penetrate to Dura

Hawkeye- No, no sign of paralysis

Trapper- So what's the problem

Hawkeye- He has a temperature of 101

Trapper- That could be just a normal post operative infection, Penicillin might bring him around

Hawkeye- Yeah but might isn't good enough, I want to be sure of it

Trapper- See you at the movies later?

Hawkeye- What's playing?

Trapper- Bride of the Gorilla and Bonzo goes to college

Hawkeye- I think i'll wait for the books to come out

Trapper- Ok it's your loss. Hey good luck with the kid.

(Trapper leaves Hawkeye staring worriedly at Thompson)

(The scene changes to the mess tent, where Radar is busy eating with Houlihan and Burns. Trapper joins them)

Trapper- How's the chicken Radar?

Radar- Beautiful. Is that what it is?

Trapper- I think the same people that make the camouflage make the gravy

(Hawkeye enters looking lost)

Trapper- Hey, how's Thompson?

Hawkeye- Still down hill. White blood count 18,000, temp up to 102, he may be developing an abses

(Frank walks over)

Houlihan- Is Thompson the boy we worked on together?

(Hawkeye nods)

Hawkeye- (To Trapper) He's falling apart on me

Burns- I can't believe it. I just can't believe it

Hawkeye- Keep out of this Frank

Burns- What went wrong super surgeon. Operate with one hand tied behind your back again

Trapper- Frank, why don't you let that big cut under your nose heal

Hawkeye- Just play kneesies with big mumma, forget I'm here

Burns- Why not give us the whole story, you shot your mouth off in here with no trouble last night

Blake- Put a lid on it Frank

Burns- Was it something you did, or something you didn't do or something you forgot to do?

Hawkeye- Get off me

Burns- Last night I was Mr Screwup, remember

Hawkeye- Dr Screwup and it still goes

Burns- Oh really, well I haven't killed anybody this week what about you big shot?

(Hawkeye lunges at Frank and throws him across the room. The whole mess tent stops to watch Hawkeye and Frank except for Radar who calmly moves tables and continues to eat. Blake, Trapper and Houlihan trry to break up the fight. Hawkeye shoves Frank and he hits Radar in the back pushing his face into his mashed potatoes. They manage, eventually to break up the fight not before Radar is once more pushed into his mashed potato)

Houlihan- Get out

Hawkeye- That's the best offer I've had today (He and Trapper leave)

(The scene changes to post op where Hawkeye is checking up on Thompson. He picks up his chart, lies down onto the empty bed next to him and falls asleep still staring at the chart)

(The next morning in post op, Hawkeye is fast asleep, Trapper and a nurse enter)

Nurse- We didn't need the bed so I didn't disturb him

Trapper- He didn't get back to the swamp last night so I figured he got a better offer

Hawkeye- (Wakes up) No such luck

Nurse- You fell asleep

Hawkeye- No kidding I figured that when I woke up

Trapper- Do you always make housecalls like this?

Hawkeye- Only for some patients, Oh patients, how's he doing?

Nurse- Last nights box score (hands him the chart)

Hawkeye- Oh damn it, he's not getting anywhere. He's falling back in some ways. Alright same orders Lieutenant, no change, keep a close eye on him i'll be back in a little while

(Hawkeye and Trapper leave only for Hawkeye to go straight back in again, he stands and stares at Thompson until Trapper comes back, turns him around and pushes him out the door)

(The scene changes, Ugly John is in the shower, Hawkeye enters and takes a shower)

Ugly John- Hi

Hawkeye- Hi

Ugly John- How's Thompson?

Hawkeye- Is that the only question anyone can ask me?

Ugly John- Well, what's wrong with that?

Hawkeye- It reminds me I'm nowhere with that case and it's driving me buggy. Please don't ask

Ugly John- Ok, I wont

Hawkeye- He's about the same

Ugly John- How about some poker tonight. I got the missus to send me a check made out to you just to make things easier

Hawkeye- I don't think so

Ugly John- You're no fun at all

Hawkeye- Go shower with the nurses

(The scene changes to the swamp where Hawkeye is lying on his bed, deep in thought. Trapper, Ugly John and Radar are playing poker)

Trapper- Ace king, possible straight, pair of twos and a pair of goric

Ugly John- I'll check the ace king

Trapper- Likewise

Radar- Five dollars

Ugly John- I'm out

Trapper- I call. Last cut

Radar- Down and dirty. How much can I bet?

Trapper- Last cut, twenty bucks

Radar- Well if I can only bet twenty bucks

Trapper- (Throws cards on table) taki it. What did you have?

Radar- I don't have to tell

Trapper- How would you like to donate a pint of blood through the nose

Radar- I didn't have anything just ace high, that's all

Trapper- You didn't have anything, a pair, a straight or anything? I threw away two tens, who taught you to play poker?

Radar- You did

Trapper- Don't you think your going home when the war's over because you and me are staying right here in Korea until I get even

Hawkeye-can't you guys do that somewhere else

Trapper- Why dont you do what you're doing somewhere else

Hawkeye- I'm not doing anything

Trapper- Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you

Hawkeye- For crying out loud (he storms out)

Trapper- (To Radar) come on deal

Radar- Ok, five card draw, jacks are better

(The scene changes to Blakes tent where Blake is asleep. Radar enters and tries to wake him up)

Radar- Sir, sir

Blake- (in his sleep) Oh please Mildred, I had a tough day

Radar- Sir

Blake- What's the matter, have we got casualties?

Radar- Er no sir, I was just wondering if you could look after this for me (he has a wad of notes in his hand) I just won 800 bucks in a poker game

Blake- You woke me for that Private O'Reilly

Radar- It's corporal sir

Blake- Nothing is forever Radar

Radar- I's sorry sir it's just I'm worried, i'm afraid someone will rob me or the mice will eat it

Blake- You mean to tell me you beat Captain Pierce playing poker

Radar- No sir, he moved out of the swamp

Blake- He didn't

Radar- Yes, he's terribly worried about this case of his not getting better. Will you look after my money for me sir?

 

Blake- Yeah, only on the condition that you never wake me again

Radar- It's a deal

(He puts the money under Blakes pillow and leaves. Blake lies down and Radar comes back in again)

Radar- I promise

Blake- Pierce really moved out of the swamp

Radar- Yes sir

(Radar leaves again only to come back in again)

Blake- Yeah

Radar- It's 803 dollars exactly

Blake- Right

(The scene changes. Hawkeye is in a storage tent surrounded by boxes lying on his bed, with his hat over his face. There's a knock at the door)

Hawkeye- Go away. I gave at the office

(Undettered a nurse enters, she kisses him)

Hawkeye- I told you to leave me alone Trapper

Nurse- It's me you rat, I've been looking for you everywhere. What are you doing here?

Hawkeye- Trying to think

Nurse- Why didn't you stay in the swamp?

Hawkeye- I can't think in that place, that place is an upholstered cesspool, between the bubbling of the still and the clicking of the poker chips i'm losing what's left of the little mind I came here with

(She blows on his face)

Hawkeye- lose your whistle

Nurse- It's thursday

Hawkeye- Well it certainly seems like thursday

Nurse- We have a date

Hawkeye- I'm sorry, not this thursday, I've got a case I just can't get out of my mind

Nurse- I'm not interested in your mind at all

(She kisses him, Trapper enters with alcohol)

Trapper- Knock, knock. I whipped up a little lubricating oil for the old brain box

Hawkeye- Trapper

Trapper- Is the er (points to the nurse) finding a new approach to the problem

Hawkeye- She was just leaving

Trapper- Not on my account

Hawkeye- No on mine. Trap thanks for the booze but I do really want to be alone

(Two guys enter carrying a large wooden box)

Hawkeye- (Annoyed) What's going on here, just because I want some privacy there's everything in here but the kitchen sink. What's in there?

Orderly- Kitchen sink sir

Hawkeye- OUT! OUT!

Nurse- If you say so

Trapper- Have you seen Bride of the Gorilla and Bonzo goes to College

Nurse- No

Trapper- Why don't we miss them together

Hawkeye- You young people just run along

Nurse- I'll bring you some coffee later

(They leave together, Hawkeye lies down again and there's a knock at the door)

Hawkeye- There is absolutely no one here

(Colonel Blake enters)

Blake- Um Pierce, I want to talk to you

Hawkeye- Just take a number and sit down Henry, although I'd rather you didn't I keep telling people I want to be alone. I don't mind talking to you Henry but wherever you are Radar's sure to follow

Blake- He's at the movies, we wont be interrupted

Hawkeye- What you don't seem to understand is that you are already interrupting

Blake- I'll make it fast

Hawkeye- Start

Blake- Look, you're losing perspective you've got your guts in a knot because one patient has gone sour, in an outfit like this that's bad

Hawkeye- I don't buy that

Blake- You don't buy it because your dedicated

Hawkeye- Well shouldn't I be

Blake- Depends, what are you dedicated to, your patient or you ego

Hawkeye- Henry, don't try to practice pyschiatry it always gives you a headache

(Radar enters)

Radar- Colonel Blake

Hawkeye- Didn't I tell you, the sun came up and your three foot shadow appeared

Blake- Radar, whatever it is it can wait

Radar- Could you just sign these please (hands him a clipboard)

Blake- Can't these wait

Hawkeye- Henry, Sign it!

Radar- It's so next week we can get Love life for Gorilla and Bedtime for Bonzo

(Hawkeye grabs Radar)

Hawkeye- What would it take for you to desert?

(Radar leaves)

Blake- I'm leaving, i'm leaving but not before I tell you to give up the luxury of trying to be Dr Perfect in this GI butcher shop. You can save that luxury for when you go back to your private practice and you can pick the kind of patients who wont go sour on you

Hawkeye- You know something Henry

Blake- What?

Hawkeye- Your not nearly as dumb as I thought you were

Blake- Thanks. You know something Pierce

Hawkeye- What?

Blake- You're disgusting when you try to be nice. See you around

(Blake leaves. Hawkeye lies back down but then gets up again and leaves the tent too, outside the tent Major Houlihan approaches)

Houlihan- Captain Pierce

Hawkeye- Taken to cruising the compound Major

Houlihan- Can't you put your hostility aside for one minute

Hawkeye- Oh alright, I'll stack it on top of my anger

Houlihan- I've been thinking about Thompson

Hawkeye- Welcome to the club

Houlihan- Sort of going over it in my mind and well is it possible that you missed something. I'm not trying to be a wise guy.

Hawkeye- That I missed something is not exactly a new thought, but what?

Houlihan- There were a lot of fragments you couldn't account for everyone of them

Hawkeye- I thought I did. Look there could have been more damage, but where?

Houlihan- Could it have nicked the small intestine?

Hawkeye- Impossible I couldn't have missed that I ran the bowel before I closed him up

Houlihan- What about the

Hawkeye- No come on you were just assisting I ran the controls, I ought to know

Houlihan- Well you obviously dont

Hawkeye- Oh i'll just hang a diploma in the latrine and open a hotdog stand. Goodnight Major

Houlihan- Goodnight (She storms off)

(The scene changes, Hawkeye's asleep. He wakes up)

Hawkeye- Hey Hey hey HEY!

(He runs out of the tent to Margarets tent, knocks on her door)

Hawkeye- Hey, wake up. Come on wake up, open the door

(Major Houlihan opens the door in her nightie)

Houlihan- What's the matter

Hawkeye- I'm opening him up. Your going to assist me

Houlihan- Let me get some clothes on

Hawkeye- Later. Go wake up Ugly John and get someone to prep Thompson. I said now. Move

(He enters her tent , opens the wardrobe door to find Frank Burns in there hiding)

Hawkeye- Sorry Frank

(The scene changes to the OR where Hawkeye has reopened Thompson)

Hawkeye- Let me have some suction here

Houlihan- suction

Hawkeye- Give me a lap sponge

Ugly John- Anything

Hawkeye- Not yet. Pickups and scissors. How's he doing?

Ugly John- Pretty good but don't muck about he's got a high fever (Frank enters)

Hawkeye- Lap sponge, Bingo the bullet hit the back of the sigmoid colon

Houlihan- That has to be it

Burns- Anybody could have missed that

Hawkeye- Thanks Frank. Ok lets close him up

Houlihan- I'm so glad Hawkeye (She wipes his brow)

(Hawkeye wipes her brow in return)

Hawkeye- You know something Major

Houlihan- What's that

Hawkeye- You're beautiful when you sweat 

(The scene changes to the swamp)

Hawkeye- What do you mean this is no longer my bunk

Trapper- Wait a minute pal you spent two nights away, this Captain Phillips moved in

Hawkeye- Hey Trap you're talking to one of the founding fathers. I named this dump, I threw the first load of garbage on the floor

Trapper- Sorry

Hawkeye- Sorry my butt, Lafiet I am here

(Pours himself a drink and sits down)

Trapper- Hey, you know something when I see you sitting there in your favourite chair, thinking evil thoughts I can't throw you out (He pinches Hawkeyes cheek)

Hawkeye- If you kiss me I'll throw up

==========================
Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
==========================