The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of ANGELA PATERSON.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(The scene begins with Hawkeye and Trapper carrying boxes out of the supply tent in the middle of the night and load it onto a waiting truck)

Hawkeye- Hey Trapper, How much do you suppose this stuff is worth on the black market?

Trapper- What would you do with your share?

Hawkeye- Pay for my hernia operation (checks boxes) alright let me see, blankets, powdered milk, penicillin, ok that's everything

(As they go around to the front of the truck a nun is waiting)

Hawkeye- Alright Sister Theresa, all set

Sister Theresa- How can I ever thank you Hawkeye, and you Trapper?

Hawkeye- Oh, don't thank us we're just acting on orders

Sister Theresa- But who's the author of all this generosity

Hawkeye- Er Tuttle, Captain Tuttle, that's it, right Trap?

Trapper- (looking bemused) Tuttle?

Hawkeye- Yeah one of our finest officers

Sister Theresa- And a beautiful man

Hawkeye- Just picture George Washington with John Waynes agent

Sister Theresa- I'll have the children at the orphanage write him a thankyou letter tomorrow

Hawkeye- Oh don't do that, he doesn't like anybody to make a fuss

Trapper- That's right, he's Mr Humility

Hawkeye- Captain Humility actually

Trapper- Captain Humility

Sister Theresa- Tell the good Captain i'll be praying for him, goodbye

Hawkeye- Bye

(She drives off in the truck with the supplies)

Trapper- Lovely lady

Hawkeye- Yeah but she could never be more than a sister to me

Trapper- Isn't she wasting her prayers on somebody that doesn't exist?

Hawkeye- Who doesn't exist?

Trapper- This, er Tuttle you made up

Hawkeye- Who said I made him up?

Trapper- Don't con me he's a figment of your imagination

Hawkeye- What makes you think your not?

(He leaves)

(The scene changes to the swamp where Trapper is laying on his bunk in his dressing gown, Hawkeye enters in his surgical uniform and heads straight for the still to pour a martini)

Trapper- Rough shift?

Hawkeye- Picnic

Trapper- Oh not too many wounded huh

Hawkeye- No wounded, I worked on a pregnant infantryman

Trapper- Oh

Hawkeye- Nobody can figure out how it happened either, he hasn't been near a woman in months.

(He sits down and takes a sip of martini)

Hawkeye- Ah, that's coffee

(Radar enters)

Radar- Hawkeye

Hawkeye- Anyone coming in here telling me there's more wounded is sucking around for a labotamy

Radar- Captain Tuttles got to sign this requisition form before Sister Theresa can get her next batch of supplies

Trapper- How did you come up with a name like Tuttle anyway?

Hawkeye- He was my imaginary childhood friend

Trapper- You had an imaginary childhood friend?

Hawkeye- Yeah, if anyobody said, who knocked over the garbage?, I'd say Tuttle, Who broke the window? Tuttle, Who wet the bed?

Trapper- Tuttle

Hawkeye- He had no control at all

Trapper- So when you got drafted

Hawkeye- He got drafted

Trapper- Just in case you wet your cot

Hawkeye- Precisely

Radar- I had an imaginary friend when I was a little boy

Hawkeye- Terrific

Radar- Her name was Shirley

(Hawkeye and Trapper exchange glances)

Hawkeye- Your imaginary friend was a girl?

Radar- Uh huh

Trapper- What she look like?

Radar- Me, only with tiny little breasts

(Hawkeye hastily hands back the signed forms to Radar and takes his martini back)

Hawkeye- Out, Out!

(Radar leaves and walks over to Colonel Blakes tent where he's hanging stockings on a line)

Radar- Morning sir

Blake- Morning Radar

Radar- Sign these please (hands him a clipboard)

Blake- Right

Radar- Those stockings came out nice sir

Blake- Yeah, my wife sent me some new soap powder. Er where do I...

Radar- Sign the original forms and initial the carbon copies or if you want you can initial the originals and sign the carbon copies and then you'd have to sign this form saying you signed where you should have initialled

Blake- Radar, do you understand all this army stuff?

Radar- It helps not to be too bright sir. Sir would you sign this supplementary supply form please, it only needs a counter signature Captain Tuttle's already ok'd it

Blake- Captain Tuttle, which one's Captain Tuttle?

Radar- Oh you now sir. Captain Tuttle, that new man

Blake- Did I meet him yesterday at breakfast

Radar- Yes

Blake- Wait a minute I didn't have breakfast yesterday

Radar- That's why he signed a supply form. Tuttle I knew i'd seen his name somewhere

Radar- If you could just ok the duty rosta

Blake- Yeah (checks it) Major Burns is officer of the day again

Radar- He volunteered

Blake- He always volunteers. If we had a firing squad he'd volunteer to be in charge of it or in front of it, or both

Radar- Yes sir

Blake- I knew you'd say that

(Radar goes to leave)

Blake- Radar

Radar- Sir

Blake- Lets give Frank a little help winning the war. What about Captain Tuttle?

Radar- What about him?

Blake- Has he ever pulled any OD duty?

(Radar pulls a face as though thinking)

Radar- No sir

Blake- Radar, if there's one thing I insist in under my command is that everyman pulls his share of the load. No matter who he is.

Radar-(whispered) Or isn't

(The scene changes to outside in the compound)

Announcer- Attention, a change in the duty rosta, tomorrow Captain Jonathan S Tuttle will be officer of the day

(Major Burns and Houlihan are walking through the compound, on hearing the announcement Frank looks really upset)

Burns-What, but I volunteered

Houlihan- If you're free tomorrow night, I've got some new literature on conflict deviation

Burns- Margaret, I don't know any Captain Tuttle do you, Tuttle?

Houlihan- He must be new

Burns- Well then why didn't he report to me, I am second in command

Houlihan- I'm sure Colonel Blake will get around to it once he finishes his laundry

(Burns checks the duty rosta on the notice board)

Burns- Yes, there he is. Well it's Tuttles responsibility to present himself, he's obviously ognoring me

Houlihan- Oh Frank, why would he ignore you?

Burns- He can't face the man he's going to replace

Houlihan- Who says he's going to replace you Frank?

Burns- Everyone's against me Margaret

Houlihan- Oh, only Pierce and Macintyre

Burns- Did I tell you they glued my bible together

Houlihan- Oh Frank

Burns- Anf they drew fangs on my picture of Senator Macarthy

Houlihan- My poor darling

(She leans in to kiss him just as someone opens the door to postop. They quickly separate and try unsuccessfully to look inconspicous)

Houlihan- Why dont we just check out this Captain Tuttle ourselves

Burns- Oh Margaret, you're my snug harbour. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to sail into

(The scene changes to Colonel Blakes office where Radar is sitting in Blakes chair, with his feet up, reading a comic, Houlihan and Burns enter)

Burns- Corporal

Radar- Sir

Burns- Where's the colonel?

Radar- Colonel

Houlihan- Colonel Blake

Radar- I'm afraid he's doing some very important sleeping for the army right now

Houlihan- Typical

Burns- I want to see the personnel file on this new man, Tuttle.

(Walks over to the filing cabinet, Radar stands in front of the cabinet)

Radar- Sir, these files are locked, i'm afraid you need an authorisation from Colonel Blake

Burns- Well then get it

Houlihan- Wake him

Radar- Wake him, well he could be dreaming up some new medicine that could help all mankind

Burns- Henry Blake? Well Ill get an authorisation to see that Tuttle file (He storms out followed by Houlihan)

(The scene changes to the swamp where Hawkeye, Trapper and Radar are filling out a personnel file for Tuttle)

Hawkeye- When was Tuttle born?

Trapper- How about 1924, that was a good year for doctors

Hawkeye- Mother

Trapper- Yes

Hawkeye- Father

Trapper- One

Hawkeye- Harry and Freeda Tuttle. Birth place?

Radar- How about my home town?

Hawkeye- No, they've already got enough to be proud of. How about, erm..

Trapper- Battle Creek, Michigan

Hawkeye- Yeah, that's perfect. Ok, religion

Trapper- Aetheist

Hawkeye- I don't believe in aetheism. Lets make him a druid

Radar- What's that?

Hawkeye- They worship trees

Radar- Ah, tree surgeon

(Hawkeye and Trapper both look at Radar)

Hawkeye- Druid reformed. They're allowed to pray at bushes. What about medical school?

Trapper- Harvard

Hawkeye- No we can't make it any place they'll check

Trapper- How about, er, Berlin Polytechnic

Hawkeye- Perfect, Berlinicus Polyteshnicus

Trapper- Oh

Hawkeye- Right after he graduated from Adolf Hitler High. No that's  a bit much

Trapper- You should write fiction

Hawkeye- You should read my file. Now a little something for Hotlips. Height 6ft, 4", weight 195 pounds, hair auburn, eyes hazel

Trapper- Hawkeye. I think i'm in love

(The scene changes to Blakes office. Blake is getting Tuttles file for Houlihan and Burns)

Blake- I'd sure like to know why it's so sure fired important for you to see the file on Captain Tuttle

Burns- Because neither of us has seen him and that strikes us as strange

Blake- Well, I've seen him. I had breakfast with the man only yesterday (He pulls out a file) Here it is, Tuttle. Jonathan, Captain. Serial no:39729966

Houlihan- Belinicus Polyteshnicus

Burns- Probably a nazi

Blake- Well, if you two will excuse me I told Tuttle i'd have lunch with him

(He leaves passing Radar in the outer office)

Blake- So long Radar

Radar- I'll hold down the fort

Blake- Hold down the fort

(Back to Blakes office where Houlihan is pawing over Tuttles description)

Houlihan- Auburn hair, hazel eyes

Burns- Oh for pete sake Margaret, your practically drooling

Houlihan- Frank, you're not jealous

Burns- Not jealous, if I lost you too anyone i'd put a scalpel through my neck

(He comes up behind her and starts kissing her neck)

Houlihan- Frank, not here

Burns- No one can see us

(Radar is outside listening through the wall with a stethescope)

Houlihan- You know there's still something spooky about this Tuttle. I'll just call General Clayton and have him check it out

(A buzzer goes off in Radars office, he connects his phone to the one on Colonel Blakes office.)

Radar- Sir

Houlihan- Corporal O'Reilly, get me General Clayton, headquarters in Seoul

Radar- Just a minute ma'am

(He comes off the phone, calls an orderly over from post op)

Radar- Psst, get me Captain Pierce over here, right away.

(He goes back to the phone and connects with HQ in Seoul)

Sparky- HQ, Seoul, this is Sgt Prior

Radar- Hi Sparky, this is Radar

Sparky- Hey, how are you doing boy

Radar- Fine, now listen Sparky

Sparky- I wanted to thankyou for the Captain Marvel annual, it just came today

Radar- Look, er, listen, I'm going to be making a call on this line any second. I want you to patch it back to me

Sparky- Shezam

(Hawkeye enters Radars office)

Hawkeye- What's up Radar?

Radar- Major Houlihan is making a call to General Clayton

(The phone in Blakes office rings, Houlihan picks it up)

Radar- HQ Seoul on the phone ma'am

Houlihan- Thankyou (To Sparky) Hello

Sparky- HQ Seoul. Captain Prior

Houlihan- General Clayton please. Major Margaret Houlihan.

(He patches the call back to Radar, where Hawkeye puts on a deep voice and pretends to be the General)

Hawkeye- Hello

Houlihan- General, Major Houlihan

Hawkeye- Margaret, I do hope this is going to be an obscene phone call

Houlihan- I wish it could be sir, that is I wonder if you might do me a favour

Hawkeye- You just say the word Margaret and I'll get a hormone shot

Houlihan- What I want to know...

Hawkeye- Say, what do you think of that new man I sent down there, Tuttle

Houlihan- Yes, he's going to marry my niece, you try to keep him pure, if you can keep your hot little hands off him

(Frank starts to move across the room to leave)

Hawkeye-(Hurriedly) Goodbye Margaret

(He hastily puts the phone down, sits on Radars desk and picks up some playing cards, just as Frank comes out of Blakes office)

Hawkeye- Hi Frank

Burns- Hmm

(The scene changes, Colonel Blake is coming out of the shower followed by Frank Burns)

Blake- You want what Frank?

Burns- I want you to change my tent, I want you to make Captain Tuttle my roomie

Blake- Your roomie

Burns- Well, General Clayton asked that I personally look after him

Blake- Tuttle

Burns- Johnny

Blake- Isn't it Jonathan?

Burns- Well not to his close friends

Blake- Just leave it to me Frank and i'll see what I can do

Burns- I can only tell you Jihnny and I are both anxious for the changes, we both speak the same language

(Frank leaves, Radar enters)

Blake- Radar, there's something going on with Major Burns

Radar- Yes sir, with Major Houlihan, I know one guy who got pictures

Blake- No, I mean Tuttle

Radar- Major Burns and Captain Tuttle sir?

Blake- If there's one thing i'm not going to have in this outfit Radar, it's politics. I'm getting onto this right now

(The scene changes to Hawkeye and Trapper who are just coming out of the OR)

Announcer- Attention Captain Jonathan Tuttle will report to Colonel Blakes office immediately, Captain Tuttle, report at once

(Hawkeye and Trapper look at each other)

Hawkeye- Shall we go back inside and build one

(The scene changes to Colonel Blakes office. Blake and Burns are waiting for Captain Tuttle. Radar enters with some papers to file)

Blake- Where is he?

Radar- I don't know sir

Blake- Well it's not like Tuttle to keep me waiting, is it?

Radar- Last I saw him he was in the compound sir. Want me to go check?

Burns- Oh no, no,no i'll do it

Blake- Volunteering again Frank

Burns- I don't want Tuttle to get in trouble with you sir, it's the least I can do for my duddy

Radar- Buddies?

(Outside in the compound, Father Mulcahy is handing out the mail)

Mulcahy- Phillips, Sternar, Tuttle

Hawkeye- Yo

Burns- (Taps him on the back) Captain Tuttle

Hawkeye- No, Captain Pierce, MD, Manic Depressive

Burns- Is that yours? (indicates parcel in Hawkeyes hand)

Hawkeye- The only mail i'll accept is a full apology from President Truman

Burns- That is adressed to Captain Tuttle

Hawkeye- Very good Frank. You read well enough to be a drugist

Burns- Where is he?

Hawkeye- Tuttle, he's in post op i'm going to drop this off for him

Burns- Oh well I can do that

Hawkeye- That's kind of you Frank, it certainly belies the vicious gossip somebody is spreading about what a twisted, selfish, mean spirited, over bearing fusspot you are

Burns- It certainly does

Hawkeye- Then i'll stop spreading it

Burns- You're not fit to be in the same camp with a man like Captain Tuttle

(He snatches the parcel from Hawkeyes hand and storms off)

(Post op, Frank enters, and Trapper  is working)

Burns- Macintyre

Trapper- Frank if you're here to help all the bedpans have already been emptied

Burns- Have you seen Tuttle?

Trapper- You just missed him, he's over at X- ray with Hotlips, he said something about doing some chest pictures

Burns- (looking worried) You're a liar

(Burns goes over to X-ray where Radar is taking some X-rays, wearing goggles and a surgical mask so Frank doesn't recognise him)

Burns- Well, excuse me sir, well don't let me interfere with your work, I'll just put this package down and wait outside. I know what your doing must be very important sir, that is if you are doing anything

(Radar pulls down his mask and goggles and turns around)

Radar- Well thankyou very much

(Frank storms out)

(Outside in the compound Burns has just spotted Houlihan)

Burns- Margaret! (catches up to her) Margaret have you seen him?

Houlihan- Who?

Burns- Tuttle

Houlihan- Pierce said he was with you

Burns- Macintyre said he was with you. You haven't been seeing him secretly have you?

Houlihan- Shhh Frank, there are people

Burns- If I find out you've been seeing him secretly i'll put my head under a jeep

Houlihan- A jeep Frank. Frank no one can take your place no matter how attractive I find Captain Tuttle

(The scene changes to Blakes office where Hawkeye and Trapper are breaking into personnel files, they find Tuttles file and open it)

Hawkeye- Just as I thought. Tuttle hasn't been paid in four months

Trapper- And he never said a word

Hawkeye- What a guy

(The scene changes- A jeep pulls into the compound, an officer steps out, met by Radar)

Officer- Soldier, where can I find Captain Jonathan Tuttle

Radar- He's in surgery right now sir

Officer- Where's that? I have a mess of back pay for him

Radar- Yes he said I could take it and sign for him

Officer- Corporal when it involves this much money I have to get his signature

(The scene changes to the scrub room. Hawkeye is wearing full surgical outfit including mask, impersonating Captain Tuttle)

Officer- I'm sorry Captain, I had to have you sign to make sure that the signatures match. You'd be surprised at the number of people that want to stick it to Uncle Sam. I hope the lack of pay wasn't an inconvenience for you

Hawkeye- No, no fortunately I'm independantly wealthy, my father invented bill padding. Now you understand all my future pay is to go directly to Sister Theresas orphanage

Officer- You are an inspiration to us all

Hawkeye- I know

(The officer salutes him)

(The scene changes to Colonel Blakes office, Blake reading a magazine. Radara enters, picks up the phone and hands it to Blake)

Radar- Colonel, it's for you. General Clayton

(Blake looks panicked)

Blake- Colonel Clayton, General Blake here sir

Clayton- Steady Henry

Blake- Yes sir

Clayton- I just called to offer my congratulations

Blake- Well that certainly means a lot coming from you sir, may I ask for what?

Clayton- I just got a letter from Sister Theresa

Blake- Oh I didn't know you had a sister

Clayton- She's a nun

Blake- Oh you must be very proud sir

Clayton- Sister Theresa is a nun who runs an orphanage near your oufit

Blake- I don't know every nun in the , it's not my habit sir too er, that's not what I mean

Clayton- She told me that Captain Tuttle donated fourteen months pay to her orphanage

Blake- Well we're all very proud of Captain Tuttle, I was just telling him that last night at dinner

Clayton- We've got to make our appreciation more tangeable Henry. I mean it's one thing to admire a mans work, it's another to get your picture in the paper doing it. I've decided to come out to the field tomorrow and personally give Captain Tuttle a decoration

Radar- (Who's listening in from his office) Wow

Clayton- What's that?

Blake- I mean wow, sir

(The scene changes to the compound where everyone is on parade waiting for Clayton, Blake's pacing up and down)

Radar- Yes sir

Blake- Ra... Where is he? Where is Tuttle?

Radar- Captain Pierce went to get him sir

Blake- Radar do I seem

Radar- Scared to death, yes sir

Blake- Go hurry them up

(Radar leaves as Clayton pulls up in his jeep)

Houlihan- One day he'll be coming to decorate you Frank

Burns- It was easy for Tuttle, he had all the breaks

Houlihan- Don't be bitter. He's a fine American

Burns- The finest. Our country could use all the Tuttles we can get

(Clayton pulls up in front of Blake, a photographer takes a couple of photographs)

Blake- General Clayton

(Clayton ignores him and goes to greet the two nuns who have joined the parade)

Clayton- Well shall we get on with it Henry

Blake- On with it, yes general

Clayton- Where's Tuttle?

Blake- He's coming sir, he's quite busy

Clayton- Busier than a brigadeer General

Blake- Excuse me (To Frank) Would you tell Radar, to tell Pierce to tell Tuttle to

(Radar appears)

Radar- He's here sir

Blake- (To Frank) He's here sir, er I mean (To Clayton) He's here sir

(Hawkeye enters alone, carrying a parachute)

Hawkeye- General

Clayton- Pierce isn't it

Hawkeye- Yes sir. I'm afraid you not gonna like this sir

Blake- Then keep it to yourself Pierce, tell us after we decorate Tuttle

Hawkeye- There is no Tuttle

Clayton- No Tuttle

Blake- No Tuttle

(Everyone looks at each other bemused)

Hawkeye- Not anymore sir (he holds up dogtags) that's all that's left

Blake- How did it happen?

Hawkeye- Well you know Tuttle, no sacrifice too great. This morning while the rest of us were selfishly having a cup of coffee he went off in a helicopter to do some fiels surgery. He jumped with his plasma, his bag, everything an army doctor needs except his parachute

Houlihan- Oh, how awful

Clayton- I'll see that he gets a personal citation for this

Blake- I think all of us that knew and loved Tuttle would like to pay tribute to this heroic man and I think it's only fitting that the man who knew him best, Captain Pierce deliver the eulogy

Burns- (To Houlihan) That's not true, I knew him best

Houlihan- Shh

Hawkeye- We can all be comforted by the thought that he's not really gone, there's a little Tuttle left in all of us, in fact you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle

Houlihan- I'll never forget him

Hawkeye- Our grief will pass, it's already hard to remember how Johnny talked, how he looked. His little laugh. Thankfully he's left behind a memorial. I've been informed by Radar that Captain Tuttles GI insurance names Sister Theresas orphanage as his soul beneficiary, how typical. We salute you Captain Tuttle. Humanitarian and healer. Goodluck doctor in that great big waiting room in the sky (They all salute)

Blake- He was the best damn OD we ever had

(The scene changes to the swamp, where Hawkeye, Trapper and Radar are talking)

Trapper- Nice work there wasn't a dry eye in the camp

Hawkeye- Tuttle always bought out the best in me

Radar- I have a question, where'd you guys get the parachute and the dogtags

Trapper- Er, that was Major Murdoch

Radar- Who?

Hawkeye- Who's Major Murdoch?

Trapper- You know Murdoch, Tall skinny guy, Tuttles replacement

Hawkeye- Oh yeah, I had breakfast with him this morning.

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Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
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