The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of ANGELA PATERSON.
"M*A*S*H" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION in association with CBS. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
==========================


Announcer- Attention all M*A*S*H* personnel. Tonights war department film on how to lead a good clean life, has been cancelled due to unusually heavy indifference

(The scene changes to the post op ward where Burns is doing his rounds with Major Houlihan)

Burns- (Taking the pulse of a patient) Another day of bed rest (Houlihan nods and makes a note on the patients chart. They move onto the next patient. Burns checks the chart) Oh yes, he's coming along splendidly. I did this one myself

Houlihan- Quality shows Frank

Burns- I like to think so

(They move on to the next patient where Trapper is removing shrapnel from a patient)

Trapper- Alright try not to move, you bought enough shrapnel in your backside to use it as a doorstop

Burns- Lets watch our language shall we Macintyre

Trapper- (Sighs) Frank i'm sorry about that but you know how it is. War is heck

Burns- (Checking patients chart) What have you got against writing intelligably

Trapper- If I could have done that i'd have become a lawyer

Burns- (To nurse) Another day of bed rest, continue IV's (He moves along to the next bed where Hawkeye is seeing to his patient) How are you this morning Pierce?

Hawkeye- Not to good but i'll feel better once I desert

Burns- (Looks at the chart) This man's North Korean

Hawkeye- Right first time

Burns- I'll tell the MP's to have him transferred to the POW section

Hawkeye- Time Frank, time. We just got this kid out of shock, he's got multiple lasserations. If you stick him in the clink he's liable to kick off

Burns- He doesnt look that bad to me. Whatever he needs he can get it at the next stop. I'm sending him out (He turns and walks away)

Hawkeye- (Runs after him) Hold it Doctor. What he needs is some plasma and some rest. He doesn't need a tciket for being on the wrong side

Burns- We've got limited bed space you know that

Hawkeye- Well why doesn't someone tell them that up at the front. They keep shooting each other like we've got beds for everybody

Burns- Get him out today

Hawkeye- I dont think so

Burns- Look dont make me get unpleasant

Hawkeye- I can't improve on nature Frank

Burns- He goes

Hawkeye- He stays
 

(The scene changes to Blakes office where Hawkeye and Trapper are talking to Blake)

Blake- Im sorry but this time he happens to be right. Look I know the guy behaves like an enlistment poster but this time I got to back Frank up

Hawkeye- I want one day for that patient, one day

Blake- You want. You know Pierce you've got a way of making every man in this outfit feel as if he's working for you

Trapper- Henry open you middle draw
 

(He opens the draw and Trapper takes out a can of beer)

Hawkeye- Look this isn;t just another beef against Frank Burns you know. We can't turn that kid away

Blake- Well i mean your not asking much are you. I mean you only want me to give him one pint of AB-

Trapper- One lousy pint of blood Henry, I mean who'll ever miss it

Blake- We're talking about AB- , Look if I hand out AB- blood to a guy from the other side then one of our kids needs it General Hammond will personally give me a tailectomy without a local.
 

(Radar enters, Blake doesn't see him)

Radar- Yes sir

Blake- Radar! Damn it Radar how many times have I told you not to come in here before I call you

Radar- I dont like to be late sir

Blake- How can you be late if you come in here before I even know I want you

Radar- Ours is not to question why sir

Blake- What why? What?

Radar- You wanted the transfer orders sir

Blake- No I want the transfer orders

Radar- Yes sir

Blake- Those ones (Indicates the papers in Radars hand) The ones you've got there in your hand

Trapper- Wait a minute Henry. What orders are those

Hawkeye- You're not transfering the Korean

Blake- I've got no choice, honest. We've only got so many beds and this kids got one waiting some place else

Hawkeye- Give me 24 hours

Trapper- One day

Blake- As opposed to 24 hours

Hawkeye- You know you're turning into a regular army clown before our very eyes

Blake- (Sighs) Yeah. Take all the time you want

Hawkeye- You mean it

Blake- Just get him out of the post op

Trapper- Alright where do we put him

Blake- Anywhere. I mean I dont want anymore static from Frank Burns, that man is a raw nerve

Hawkeye- I ocludn't agree more

Blake- If I didn't know better I'd swear he was my wife in army drag
 

(The scene changes to the sawmp where Hawkeye, Spearchucker and Ho John are putting the North Korean into Hawkeyes bunk)

Hawkeye- Ask him if he's comfortable

Ho John- (Speaks in Korean to the patient)

North Korean- (Replies in Korean)

 

(Trapper enters)

Hawkeye- Ask him his name we cant just treat him like a wounded egg roll

Ho John- (Speaks in Korean)

Korean- (Replies in Korean)

Ho John- (Shouts back in Korean)

Hawkeye- Wish we had subtitles for this

Korean- (Speaks in Korean)

Ho John- He's called Pi

Hawkeye- Welcome to the end of the war Pi

 

(Radar enters with a file, that he shows to Hawkeye)

Radar- Hawkeye. Heres the personnel records you wanted. This is the entire M*A*S*H* personnel here and their blood type

Hawkeye- Take two splints out of petty cash

Trapper- Surprising how many of us have blood, isnt it

Spearchucker- Well it's not so hard if you stay far enough behing the lines

Hawkeye- It is to find somebody with AB neg

Radar- Psst

(Hawkeye turns to see Burns walking into the tent. He hands the file back to Radar who pretends to be reading it)

Burns- Isnt that the POW?

Hawkeye- Thats right he's in my C-O-T

Burns- I ordered him shipped out, what's he still doing here?

Hawkeye- Easy Frank, Henry ok'd it he's not taking up anybodys space but mine. Why dont you buzz off Frank go review your hypocritical oath
 

(Burns goes and lays down on his bunk to read his bible. Radar having found a name with AB negative blood shows the file to Hawkeye, who then shows it to Trapper. They all turn, look at Burns and smile)

 

(Later that night. Burns is asleep)

Hawkeye- Trap

Trapper- Uh

Hawkeye- What do you think?

Trapper-(Trapper picks up his boot and drops it on the floor to see if Burns wakes up. He doesn't) Hey
 

(They both get out of bed and go ove to Burns. Where they continue to take a pint of blood)

Hawkeye- (With a Transylvanian accent) Good work Egor, in the morning he will be one of my brides

Trapper- (With a Transylvanian accent) Shh, not so loud my Count

Burns- (Begins to mumble in his sleep)

Hawkeye- (To Trapper) I think we struck dream. (Whispers in Burns' ear) Oh Frank, you're so strong, you're so big and strong

Trapper- We dont want to get him too excited, we might start something we can't finish

Hawkeye- You got enough?

Trapper- Almost. I want to put a head on

Hawkeye- This guy could sleep through anything but then he gets a lot of practice when he's awake. How you doing?

Trapper- Full. One pint even

Hawkeye- Shall we check his lever while we're at it

Trapper- You get him cleaned up. I'll go get a pipe (Trapper leaves)

Hawkeye- Good night darling. You're the greatest (He kisses him on the forehead. Burns mumbles, turns towards Hawkeye, who quickly backs away)

 

(The scene changes to the mess tent the next morning where Radar is pilling his plate high with food as usual)

Radar- Did you get it?

Hawkeye- Full pint

Radar- Is he alright?

Hawkeye- Yeah he's fine. He may have to put starch in his underwear to sit up but he's fine. (Looks down at Radars plate) I see you ordered the hot breakfast

Radar- (Looks confused) The hot breakfast, what is that...?

Hawkeye- Forget it

Radar- Can I help it if the war gives me an appetite
 

(Hawkeye goes and gets some coffee and then goes and sits down with Lieutenant Dish)

Dish- That's an awfully dirty look for so early in the day

Hawkeye- I just wanted to thank you for last night

Dish- You weren't with me last night

Hawkeye- I was speaking for my fantasies

Dish- You never quit do you

Hawkeye- Well in the absense of any really success with you in the amore department you have to allow me the odd fantasy or two
 

(We see Hawkeyes fantasy of Dish naked)

Dish- You're having one right now arent you

Hawkeye- Yeah

Dish- Is this a new one or are you undressing me with your eyes again

Hawkeye- Well if I did it with my hands i'd get killed right

Dish- uh huh

Hawkeye- Not a bad way to go really
 

(Trapper enters, looking worried)

Trapper- What do you say, you got a minute?

Hawkeye- Actually i'm trying to make some time with this lieutenant person

Trapper- It's about Pi

Hawkeye- See you later (He gets up from the table)

Dish- I'm sure you will, whether im there or not

Hawkeye- Whats wrong

Trapper- You name it. Severe abdominal pain, nausea, darkened specimen, can't keep on his stomach

Hawkeye- Transfusion reaction

Trapper- Uh huh

Hawkeye- Last nights trip to Transylvania

Trapper- Same symptoms as hepititus

Hawkeye- It cant be from Franks blood, not that fast

Trapper- Might be a new varient

Hawkeye- Stranger things have happened

Trapper- If Frank did have it, it would be a lovely way ti get him out of our hair

Hawkeye- What about out of the outfit
 

(They look over to see Burns just leaving the mess tent)

Hawkeye- There he goes, Typhoid Mary

Trapper- Loaded with jaundice juice

Hawkeye- Lets go (They run after him) Hey Frank, Frank. Hold it up. Hey how do you feel pal

Burns- Feel, me.

Hawkeye- Yeah

Burns- What's the gag?

Trapper- No gag, were interested in your health

Burns- Oh come on

Hawkeye- Frank listen. Are you eating alright? Do you have any signs of fatigue or anything?

Burns- None. Why are you... My sleep was off a bit last night I had this weird dream

Trapper- Yeah. What was it?

Burns- That I was a soda with a big straw sticking in me

Hawkeye- (Feeling his neck) You know something, you could be coming down with something, guy works as hard as you. (To Trapper) Feel that, feel that.

Trapper-(Feels Burns' neck) Ooh wow

Burns- You guys are starting something

Hawkeye- Frank, don't be paranoid

Burns- I'm only paranoid cause everyones against me

Trapper- (Feeling Burns' pulse) High pulse rate

Hawkeye- Little disoriented, classic sign

Burns- Oh cut it out (He begins to walk away and Hawkeye and Trapper follow)

Hawkeye- Frank listen, why dont you give us a blood sample, the lab down in Seoul can do a complete run on you and have the results back here in two hours

Burns- I'm fine. I'm completely fine. The last thing I'm gonna give you two ghouls is any of my blood (He storms off)

Hawkeye- Ghouls thats a nice thing to call us vampires

Trapper- You know we are gonna have to check him out, for his own good

Hawkeye- I dont think we can do another midnight caper

Trapper- Well we got a little left over from last nights syphone, might be enough

Hawkeye- I think we're gonna have to get a something else from Frank to back that up, dont you?

Trapper- Definately

Hawkeye- Frank old buddy lets hope you're not too house broken
 

(The scene changes to the swamp where Hawkeye is tending to the North Korean patient. While Trapper is opening three cans of beer and lining them up on top of a crate. Spearchucker is standing guard at the door)

Hawkeye- (Speaks in Korean to the patient)

Korean- Ok

Spearchucker- (Walks towards Trapper) Frank Burns at six o'clock. (Frank enters, sits down on his bunk and begins to take off his boot) Oh, what do you say Frank?

Trapper- Got a minute?

Burns- I'm not giving you a blood sample. I'm the probably the fittest man in this outfit and dont ask me again how I feel because you have no real concern for my welfare at all

Hawkeye- Take it easy Frank, there's a vein standing out on your head you could tow a car with

Trapper- We just wantes your help that's all

Burns- You wantes my help

Spearchucker- There's something wrong with the beer Frank and we cant figure out what it is

Burns- You know that all I know about beer is that I... I cant hold it

Hawkeye- I told you he'd be too hard nosed to help

Trapper- I thought for once he'd be a regular guy

Burns- Well, lets see

Trapper- (Hands him one of the cans) Ok try this

Burns- (Takes a sip) Tastes alright to me

Hawkeye- Well that's not enough to tell

Burns- (Drinks again) It's fine

Trapper- (Hands him another can) Ok try this one

Burns- (Drinks) Aren't they the same

Hawkeye- Close your eyes

Burns- No monkey business

Hawkeye- Come on (Burns closes his eyes, Hawkeye hands him the third can) Now try this one (Burns drinks) Now remember what that tastes like and try this one (Burns drinks) Now which one was stronger the first one or the second

Burns- I'm not really sure

Hawkeye- Ok lets try the first one again (Burns drinks) Yeah, now try the other one (Burns drinks again) Well, what do you think?

Burns- I'll be right back (He rushes out wearing only one boot, Hawkeye and Trapper follow)

Hawkeye- Which beer do you think's flatter

Burns- I dont know, just leave me alone cant you

Trapper- You dont think the first was different from the second

Burns- No, yes, whatever. Why are you two following me?

Hawkeye- Oh, no problem, it's on our way

Burns- What's on your way?

Trapper- Wherever you're going. That's what great kinda guys we are
 

(Burns walks away from Hawkeye and Trapper to the officers latrine, where Radar is busy nailing a sign on the door that says reads "Out of order")

Radar- Morning sir

Burns- What are you doing? Get this thing out of my way

Radar- Sorry sir, this is closed

Burns- Closed, how can it be closed

Radar- We're redecorating

Burns- What kind of nosense is this

Radar- We're just trying to brighten up our lives sir. We had many complaints that the latrines lacked any sort of asthetic quality what so ever and it's essential that we show the Koreans democratic plumbing in action

Burns- Does the Colonel know about this?

Radar- Of course he does sir, he signed the papers himself

Burns- What are we supposed to do until the grand reopening

Radar- Well if you'll just step this way sir we have temporary officers arrangement right over here
 

(Radar shows Burns to a makeshift teepee)

Burns- This is it

Radar- There;s more too it sir

 

(He hands Burns a bucket. Burns looks disgusted but being depserate goes inside the teepee. In the mean time a jeep pulls up next to Hawkeye and Trapper)

Driver- Ready sir

Hawkeye- Hang on. You got the scam?

Driver- I get the stuff to HQ lab in Seoul, wait for the report and get back here as fast as I can

Hawkeye- Or its..

Driver- My butt sir

(Burns comes out of the teepee and hobble back to the swamp as he is still only wearing one boot. Meanwhile Hawkeye goes into the teepee and retreaves the bucket that Frank used and loads it into the jeep)

Hawkeye- Drive carefully

Driver- Yes sir

Hawkeye- Go
 

(He drives off out of the compound)

Trapper- How long do you figure?

Hawkeye- Two hours, tops

Trapper- We cant let him near any patients until we get that report

Hawkeye- Right no patients, or Hotlips
 

(The camera pans to Houlihan talking to two of her nurses. Hawkeye begins a commentary as if commentating on a nature programme)

Hawkeye- Observe the female of the species, seemingly calm and detached her tiny GI boson is beating wildly because she senses the presence of her frequent partner, the notorious red necked nose breather (The camera pans over to Burns his is shouting at a corpsman) Uhoh the signalling has begun. Eyeballs are exchanged (Houlihan and Burns exchange glances) and the kakhi lovers do there famous, where we meet today ritual (They look towards a tent but see two people have the same idea but they got there first) It is almost impossible for the uninitiated to discern any connection between these two US army Majors. (They spot an empty tent, signal each other and begin to walk towards the tent) Yet the trained observer will see that what these two officers have in mind is to arrange a bit of brass rubbing (Cut to Hawkeye who begins to whistle, signalling Spearchucker who quickly walks in between Burns and Houlihan, who quickly break off in opposite directions.Houlihan then goes over to the supply tent, checks that it is empty and signals Burns. Houlihan goes inside the supply tent and Burns begins to walk towards her when he is stopped by Radar)

Radar- Excuse me, sir

Burns- Uh

Radar- Sir, the Colonel says that he wants to see you in his office immediately

Burns- The Colonel

Radar- Yes sir, He's really very upset about something, wants you there right away

Burns- Now

Radar- Yes sir he said immediately. It was imperative that you got there right away
 

(Burns looks longingly at the supply tent and reluctantly turns around towards Colonel Blakes office. Meanwhile inside the supply tent Houlihan has her back to the door and is preparing herself for Burns by letting her hair down, Hawkeye enters, turns his back to her to turn the door and Houlihan wraps her arms around, rubbing his chest, thinking that he's Burns)

Houlihan- I've been on fire all day. Just the sight of you and I want to do crazy things

Hawkeye- Ok, where shall we start

Houlihan- Oh anyway (Realising that he is not Burns she quickly pulls away and shouts) What are you doing here?

Hawkeye- I'm taking a survey for the peeping toms of America

Houlihan- You foul minded, dirty sneaking spying...

Hawkeye- Not only that but Dish wants you in post op on the double.

Houlihan- You haven't heard the last of this

Hawkeye- I bet I have (Houlihan storms out)

 

(The scene changes to Blakes office where Blake and Burns are talking)

Blake- Why would I send for you Frank?

Burns- I would assume that if you sent for me you would at least know why

Blake- Well, I would too, I mean that certainly follows, excuse me (Walks towards the door to call Radar who enters just as Blake is about to call him) ra.. (Radar enters) Radar, Major Burns here says you said I wanted to see him. Is that true?

Radar- Yes sir

Blake- Well did I want to see him

Radar- You must have sir, here his is

Blake- Radar

Radar- Why would I try and pull a fast one sir

Blake- (At the same time) Are you trying to pull a fast one. Would you stop saying what I am thinking

Radar- One of us has to. Would you mind initialling these initials (Hands him some papers)

Blake- Why am I initialling these initials

Radar- To authorise a stamp made with your initials sir.

Blake- Oh (Radar turns around and Blake uses his back to intial the forms)

Radar- It will save you having to do so much initialling

Blake- Good thinking

Radar- Thankyou

Burns- Colonel am I dismissed

Blake- Hmm. Oh yes I think..er..we've just about covered it Frank

Burns- Covered what?

Blake- Whatever
 

(Burns gives Blake a look of confusion and begins to leave)

Radar- Come see us anytime sir
 

(The scene changes to Post Op where Dish is seeing to a patient while talking to Houlihan)

Dish- But I didn't send for you Major, really

Houlihan- Then why did Pierce say you needed my help

Dish- Everything's under control, really

Houlihan- That's when this place is the most dangerous
 

(The scene changes to outside in the compound where Burns and Houlihan are talking to each other while trying to look inconspicuous)

Burns- Sorry I couldn't meet you I was sent on a wild goose chase

Houlihan- So was I

Burns- What's happening?

Houlihan- They're jealous, jealous, all of them jealous of our fine, almost spiritual relationship

Burns- Oh you're so right

Houlihan- They want to keep us apart because we're symbols of what a decent man and woman can mean to each other, without the taudriness that fill their sordid little affairs

Burns- Yes, yes

Houlihan- Take on step closer and I'll bite your chest right through your shirt. Where can we go?

Burns- I'll check the vegetable bins

Houlihan- Frank it's four thirty we have to go on hospital duty

Burns- Eight whole hours before I can touch you

Houlihan- There's always the coffee break
 

(The scene changes to Trapper and Hawkeye who are in the compound, Trapper is checking his watch)

Trapper- It's four thirty

Hawkeye- Yeah, (Reluctantly) Alright, lets go.(They begin to walk towards Post Op) Boone should be back any minute

Trapper- Any minute would be just fine

Hawkeye- You got him

Trapper- Yeah I got him
 

(Houlihan and Burns walk past  them on their way to the Post Op. Hawkeye links arms with Trapper)

Hawkeye- Hi kids, shall we make it a double date

Burns- Watch your tongue

Trapper- Can you say that in front of her?
 

(Inside Pre op where Houlihan is helping Burns to scrub ready for surgery, Hawkeye and Trapper are also scrubbing for surgery)

Hawkeye- Hey Frank, we got a pretty light load in there today, why dont you let us handle it

Burns- Oh, I carry my own weight

Hawkeye- We can't let you operate Frank, you look like an ad for death

Burns- You cant, the gaul

Trapper- It's your liver actually

Hawkeye- We think you might have hepatitus Frank

Burns- What are you talking about?

Trapper- We took a pint of blood out of you last night

Burns- You what?

Houlihan- You took his what?

Hawkeye- (As if talking to a small child, really slowly) We drilled for blood, gave it to the POW and now he shows every sign of serum hepatitus

Burns- It takes weeks for such symptoms to appear, he probably came in here with it

Trapper- Yeah maybe, but who knows

Burns- My gown Major

Hawkeye- You're not going in there Frank

Burns- Oh yes I am

Trapper- No Frank, you're a walking bug factory

Burns- I'll deal with you two leeches after my shift

Hawkeye- Sgt do your duty

Burns- Major
 

(Houlihan slips his gown over his arms and Trapper handcuffs him leaving Houlihan trapped as well)

Burns- Hey what are you doing. Get those off me you maniac

Hawkeye- Quiet please this is a hospital

Houlihan- Get me out of this

Trapper- Enjoy it while you can

Hawkeye- Easy Frank, we'll have your report back in no time

Burns- Report on my what?

Trapper- I don't think we should tell him about the...

Hawkeye- No I dont think we should tell him about the...

Burns- I'll have you broken
 

(Blake enters)

Blake- There had better be a good reason for all this racket

Burns- I want these two arrested immediately

Blake- You always want these two arrested

Houlihan- Colonel, look at us

Blake- Well it looks a little silly without the music.
 

(Radar enters carrying a note)

Radar- Sir

Blake- Yes

Radar- oh not you sir, this sir, sir (Points to Hawkeye)

Hawkeye- (Reads the note) Unlock em, lab report Frank, all tests for hepatitus negative

Trapper- You can't win them all

Burns- I told you so. That POW came in here with it, you stole a pint of my blood for nothing

Blake- They what?

Burns- Maybe you would know more about what was going on in this camp if you weren't so busy redecorating latrines

Blake- (Confused) Redecorating latrines, well, im not.. Radar am I redecorating...

Radar- Later sir

Trapper- (Untying Frank and Houlihan) Ok folks visiting hours are over

Hawkeye- Uhoh bad news Frank

Burns- What?

Hawkeye- You've got anaemia

Burns- Anaemia

Hawkeye- Well what do you expect when you give a pint of blood when you're not ready for it

Trapper- You should have checked with us first

Hawkeye- Yeah you're too selfless Frank
 

(The scene changes to the swamp where Burns and the POW are playing chequers. Hawkeye and Trapper enter)

Trapper- What do yah say men

Hawkeye- Hiya Frank, Hi Pi

Pi- Hi guys

Trapper- How come the enemy talks to us and you dont

Burns- You guys had a rough shift today

Hawkeye- Well bad enough, but we didn't forget our star patient (Produces some flowers from behind his back and gives them to Burns)

Trapper- No hard feelings Frank

Burns- Well..

Hawkeye- That's good, because there's a heart transplant we'd like to experiment with and you're just the right type.

(Burns throws the flowers back at them)

==========================
Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
==========================