The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of ANGELA PATERSON.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(Ho John is fixing three martinis while Hawkeye, Trapper and Spearchucker are playing poker)

Spearchucker- One

Hawkeye- One. Can you believe this guy he asks for one

Spearchucker- Will you just deal

Hawkeye- (Places bet) Ten dollars

(Both Trapper and Spearchucker throw their cards down on the table)

Spearchucker- Mans luck is not to be believed

Trapper- Nothing worse than a sore winner

Hawkeye- Luck, luck has nothing to do with it. I win all the time because my heart is pure. Right Frank?

(Burns is lying on his bunk reading the bible)

Burns- You're a vice ridden degenerate Pierce, I dont think you even have a heart

Trapper- Oh Frank, for a doctor that's a very serious diagnosis

Hawkeye- Now, now, we all know how competent and dedicated Frank is. That's why he and hotlips spend every night together in the examination room

Burns- It so happens that Major Houlihan and I are studying the treatment of cardiac arrests

Trapper- I wouldn't mind studying cardiac arrest on hotlips

Burns- Her name is Margaret

Hawkeye- $24.50 Ho John, whats the total?

Ho John- 309 dollars 68 cents Hawkeye

Hawkeye- Lets keep those nickels and dimes coming gang

Trapper- You keep that up and I'm gonna put your tongue in traction

Burns- How did you two ever become doctors?

Ho John- Why did you become a doctor Major?

Hawkeye- To meet girls

Burns- It was the wish of my dear mother, the guiding force of my life, who (He picks up the photograph of his mother he keeps by his bed,the frame is missing) The frame, her sterling silver frame

Hawkeye- Take it easy Frank

Burns- You stole her frame, you guys, you've done some terrible things before but this is the worst, you fiends

(He storms out and goes over to Houlihans tent. Houlihan has her hair in curlers and cream all over her face)

Burns- Margaret, I..

Houlihan- Aah. Frank what do you want?

Burns- My mothers silver frame is gone

Houlihan- Well I didn't take it

Burns- I'm not accusing you but its gone, you know how much my mother means to me

Houlihan- Oh Frank, its only a frame

Burns- Its the principle, I feel violated my own mothers picture. To think that those animals even laid their hands on her

Houlihan- Would you hand me my brushes

Burns- I dont think spanking them will do any good

Houlihan- Frank, i'm going to brush my hair, one hundred strokes every night

Burns- Its getting late, I might just stay for fifty

Houlihan- (Taking her hair out of her curlers) Frank, my brushes

Burns- (He looks for them) Well, where are they?

Houlihan- On the night table where I always keep them (She looks to the night table and seeing that her brushes are not there becomes histerical) My brushes, Where are my brushes?

Burns- Margaret, control yourself

Houlihan- They're gone. Somebody took them

Burns- They're only brushes

Houlihan- No, they're not my father gave those to me

(The scene changes to Blakes tent where he and Leslie are having a romantic evening with candles and wine)

Blake- Leslie

Leslie- Yes

(He puts down his wine and pulls a piece of wood out from under his pillow)

Leslie- (Excited) Is it mine?

(He turns it over to reveal a fish that has been stuffed and mounted)

Leslie- Oh Henry

Blake- Thats the fish you caught last week, your very first

Leslie- And you had it stuffed just for me

Blake- That's not all (He hands her the fish) As a little token of my admiration, I sent to Tokyo for this (He pulls out a box)

Leslie- Oh Henry, its not

Blake- Certainly is, a sato tenaka double cammed reel with jewelled escartment

Leslie- (Clearly dissapointed)  Well I can hardly wait to show the girls

Blake- Open it

Leslie- Oh yes (She opens it only to find that the box is empty) Henry

Blake- (Takes the box) Its gone

(The scene changes to the supply tent where a nurse is doing an inventory. Slowly the door opens and somebody enters, they grab her waist. We then see that it is Trapper)

Nurse- I've got post op duty Captain

Trapper- Not for 26 minutes you don't, i'll just check my alarm watch (He goes to check his watch to find that he's not wearing one) hmm, must have left it in the tent, well we'll make our own clock. First you put the big hand here (He puts his hand on her shoulder) and the little hand there (He puts his other hand around her waist)

Nurse- You're running a little fast (She leaves)

(The scene changes to the compound where Hawkeye, exhausted comes walking out of the OR. He walks across to the swamp where Trapper is looking for his watch. He talks to Trapper through the side of the tent whilst walking around to the door)

Trapper- Hey

Hawkeye- What a day, I sowed up enough people to make a crazy quilt

Trapper- Have you seen my watch

Hawkeye- It's tuesday, it's 1951, what more do you need to know?

Trapper- Well id like to find my watch

Hawkeye- Ho John, the elixir of life, drinks for me and my men and water for our horses

(Hawkeye enters the swamp)

Hawkeye- Where is it, there it is (He collapses onto his bed while Ho John fixes him a drink) Ah the symphony begins (Ho John pours the drink) the sultry saxophone splashes of melody, a subtle drum brush for counterpart (He squirts something in the drink) the plunking of cool harpstrings (He drops in some ice) the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick (Silence) and now the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick (Silence) Ho John

Ho John- Stizzle swick not here

Hawkeye- (Sits up) Whole stole my stizzle swick

(The scene changes to the mess tent. Everyone is gathered, there's lots of chatting. Blake is trying  to call order by tapping a glass)

Trapper- Henry will you keep it down we're trying to talk

Blake- Radar

Radar- Ten hut

Blake- Call everyone to attention

(Only Blake, Radar, Burns and Houlihan stand)

Blake- At ease men, everyone be seated (Burns, Radar and Houlihan sit, Blake stands with a spoon in his hand) I assume you all read my notice concerning our recent crimewave

Hawkeye- I would have read it but the notice was stolen

Blake- I'm talking about the rash of thefts that have plagued our camp

Hawkeye- A plague as a rash

Trapper- That's the worst kind

Blake- As it stated in the interest of morale and unity..

Trapper- Pass the salt Henry

Blake- Yes of course (passes the salt) the guilty party need only return the stolen articles by 1900 hours tonight. Well it is now 1900 hours minus thirty seconds, the lights will now be turned off (Radar switches the lights off, everybody groans) and the aforementioned guilty party may now return the things

Nurse- Aah, Trapper stop that

Trapper- Stop what, i'm over here

Mulcahy- Oh

Nurse- I'm sorry father

Mulcahy- that's alright my child you couldn't have known, but thankyou

Hawkeye- You little devil

Houlihan- What are you talking about?

Hawkeye- Frank, you little devil

Burns- Your disgusting

Blake- Radar is it 1900 hours

Radar- I cant see the clock sir

(The lights go back on)

Blake- Then turn on the l...

Nurse- Hey my bag has gone

Nurse- Mine too

Blake- Alright now who took my spoon

(Voice over Blake, while the scene is Radar and Blake searching the nurses tent)

Blake- I'm sorry to have to say this folks but you have left me no alternative but to conduct a tent by tent search (Radar is standing with a load of womens underwear in his arms. Blake leaves, Radar follows. Blake grabs him and turns him around. Radar hands the nurse back her underwear) which will start immediately and continue until I unearth the guilty party or paties, as the case or cases may be (Radars office, Blake gestures to Radar to lift up his blanket, Radar shakes his head and turns his back on Blake. Blake does it himself and discovers a teddy bear. Radar snatches it from Blake) No one will be excluded from this search, i'm including myself, right down to my right hand, Corporal O'Reilly. Naturally I regret any and all embarrassement this may cause to whom so ever it does (The showers, Radar searches the showers and Blake unscrews the shower head. The shower comes on, soaking him) But you, that is to say the gulity one of you have left me no ohter way but to leave no stones or even showers unturned on (Blake and Radar enter the swamp where Hawkeye and Trapper are laying on their bunks. Radar waves to Hawkeye, who waves back)

Blake- At ease men (Blake looks around the tent and spots the chimney from the heater in the middle) Macintyre

Trapper- Yeah

Blake- What's in here

Trapper- Soot sir

Blake- Soot

Trapper- Yep

Blake- I'll be the judge of that

(He shakes the pipe and soot falls out completely covering his face. Hawkeye and Trapper roll around laughing histerically)

Blake- Pierce

Hawkeye- Yeah

Blake- Whos is this (Gestures Hawkeyes footlocker)

Hawkeye- I'll give you three guesses

Blake- Open it

Hawkeye- Henry dont be ridiculous. If you want my opinion this whole thing is not only a complete waste of time it's also an insult to the intelligence of everybody

(He opens his footlocker and all the stolen items are inside. Hawkeye looks from Blake and Radar, to Trapper who are all aghast, down to his footlocker. Seeing all the stolen items he slams it shut and sits on it)

Hawkeye- Why dont we have a drink

(The scene changes to Blakes office. Blake is sitting at his desk when an irate Hawkeye enters)

Hawkeye- Henry this is crazy, actually its past crazy it's taken a left turn into ludicrous

Blake- If you will just tell me what the joke is then we can just get back to abnormal around here

Hawkeye- I don't have that bizarre a sense of humour

Blake- Oh now weren't you the one that sense General Barker the brownies with the laxative filling

(Houlihan and Burns enter with forms for Colonel Blake)

Houlihan- The court marshall forms Colonel

Hawkeye- Court marshall, what is this the four minute frame

Burns- (Picking up his photo frame) Speaking of which this goes round back around my mother

Blake- (Takes the frame off him) That is exhibit A Frank

Burns- And you'll go right into the stockade, yes sirree bob, right into the clink

Houlihan- You tell him Frank

Hawkeye- You know I've never hit a woman

Burns- You put one hand on her

Hawkeye- I was thinking of you Frank

Blake- Ok knock it off

Hawkeye- Let me know when you all come to your senses, then we can find who really took this stuff. I'm going to my tent, knock three times and stay out

(Hawkeye leaves)

Blake- Pierce

Houlihan- If you would just sign right here Colonel (gestures the court marshall forms)

Blake- Oh come on Major

Burns- He was caught with the goods

Houlihan- At least that's the way General Barker understands it

Blake- You called Gen..

Houlihan- I called General Barker

(He goes to get his pen)

Blake- Where is my pen

Burns- Pierce

Houlihan- He's done it again

(Radar enters with Blakes pen)

Radar- Heres your pen sir you left it on my desk

Blake- Oh thankyou, now you see what happens when you jump to conclusions

Burns- I say he should be kept under constant surveillance

Blake- That's ridiculous

Houlihan- Why dont we get the Generals opinion on that

(The scene changes to the swamp where Hawkeye is lying on his bunk enjoying a martini. Radar enters carrying a clipboard and whistling, trying and failing to look inconspicous, he looks around the swamp and then sits down next to Hawkeye)

Hawkeye- Hiya Radar whats up

Radar- Nothing much, whats, what are you up to?

Hawkeye- Im just lying around

Radar- That's the way I feel too mind if I lie around with you?

Hawkeye- Not if you use another bunk

(Radar moves to go and sit on Trappers bunk. He sits down and stares at Hawkeye)

Hawkeye- Why are you staring at me?

Radar- I'm not staring at you im just looking in your direction that's all

Hawkeye- Well that's a very fine distinction

(Trapper enters carrying a set of golf clubs)

Hawkeye- Hi, how's it going any wealthy patients check in

(Trapper walks straight past him and completely ignores him)

Trapper- What are you doing here Radar?

Hawkeye- Staring at me it's a new hobby

(The scene changes to the OR where once again the doctors are busy operating)

Hawkeye- Scalpel (The nurse hands him a scalpel)

(Houlihan who is observing Hawkeye walks over to Radar who has a clipboard in his hands)

Houlihan- One scalpel

(Radar starts to write down on his clipboard)

(The scene changes once again, to the compound where Hawkeye is just coming out of the OR)

Announcer- And now a special dedication to Captain "Hawkeye" Pierce, "Someone to watch over me"

(Radar can be seen in the background following Hawkeye as he makes his way through the compound, Hawkeye spots him and runs behind one of the tents, Radar follows. In an attempt to lose Radar, Hawkeye hides in Father Mulcahys tent. However Father Mulcahy is at his desk reading the bible, he turns around and sees Hawkeye looking out of the window)

Mulcahy- Looking for me Hawkeye? Have a seat my son (he sits down) I've been hoping you'd stop by. Dont be deceived by these trappings underneath them i'm just an ordinary man, who is as prone to temptation as you are

Hawkeye- Would you like to talk about it Father?

Mulcahy- You're overaught, it's quite normal considering the burden you must be carrying

Hawkeye- In other words you think I did it too

Mulcahy- I only know that given our circumstances the best of us can behave in iratic and irresponsible ways. As with everything else it's all in here. (He passes Hawkeye a book from his desk)

Hawkeye- (Reads the cover) The dictionary

Mulcahy- (Searches his shelves) Oh, erm, I did have a bible here

Hawkeye-(Gets up and leaves) Thanks anyway Father

Mulcahy- Hawkeye

(The scene changes and we get a close up of the PA system)

Announcer- Tonights movie will be Les Miserables, the riveting tale of a man who steals and is relentlessly persues, sort of like somebody we all know

(Hawkeye is seen coming out of the mess tent, and runs into a nurse)

Hawkeye- Barbara just the warm body I wanted to see

Barbara- Oops the other one

Hawkeye- Lets go down to the river and practice mouth to mouth resuscitation

Barbara- I dont think so

(She tries to go into the mess tent but Hawkeye puts his arm out to stop her)

Hawkeye- I've always admired your analytical mind, you're one of the few people who can see things clearly without emotion or prejudice, let me ask you

Barbara- I think you did it

Hawkeye- Let me rephrase the question. How would you assess my general character

Barbara- You're synical and selfish when your not in the operating room all you ever think about is your own pleasure

Hawkeye- Dont sugat coat it, give it to me straight

Barbara- I'm very dissappointed in you Hawkeye, not surprised but dissappointed

(She ducks under his arm and goes into the mess tent)

Hawkeye- Come on Radar lets call it a night

(Radars head slowly appears over a bush next to the mess tent, as Hawkeye walks across the compound Radar follows bring with him the bush that he was hiding behind)

Hawkeye- It's the end of the trail for you tomorrow Radar. (He turns around and Radar puts the bush down and hides behind it, Hawkeye continues to talk to what looks to a passing coreman, a bush) because im putting an end to all this foolishness. i'm gonna find out who's behind all this then It's everybody off my back. (The coreman stops and stares at Hawkeye) Its getting so a man cant talk to his own shrub around here (He goes into the swamp)

(The scene changes to Henrys outer office where Blake and Hawkeye are talking)

Hawkeye- Oh come on Henry, what have you got to lose? Listen if we can catch the person that did this you're liable to get a promotion or better yet a transfer

Blake-A transfer, well what do I have to do?

(Hawkeye sits him down in Radars chair and switches the PA system on without Blake knowing)

Hawkeye- This is just between the two of us

Blake- Yeah, Yeah

(The conversation is being broadcast to the whole camp)

Hawkeye- Now listen carefully tomorrow morning the supply chopper is coming in here with the neccessary equiptment for me to lift the fingerprints off the stolen articles, give me those articles for one hour and we'll have our thief

Blake- Pierce that stuff is safely locked in my desk

Hawkeye- What?

Blake-(Shouting) That stuff is safely locked in my desk and that's where it's gonna stay

Hawkeye-(Turns off the PA system)  Ok Henry if that's the way you want it

Blake- Thats the way I want it

Hawkeye- Thanks

Blake- Your welcome

(Hawkeye leaves)

Blake- Why me? Why me?

(Blake goes into his office and opens his drawer to check that everything is still there, it is, so he locks it up again.)

(The scene changes to the middle of the night, someone has broken into Blakes office and they are carrying a torch, they go around to Blakes desk and open the drawer the stolen items have been restolen. The camera pans upwards and we see that it is Hawkeye, and he is smiling)

Hawkeye- (Over the PA) Attention, the following personnel report immediately to the mess tent, Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, Lieutentant Leslie Scorch, Captain John Macintyre, Major Frank Burns, Major Margaret Houlihan, Captain Spearchucker Jones, Lieutenant Barbara Batterman, Corporal Radar O'Reilly.

(They are all seen filinfginto the mess tent in their pyjamas along with Ho John)

Radar- What is it an air raid?

Blake- What is the meaning of this? Who called this meeting? Now look i'm the commanding officer and im the only one authorised to call meetings

(Hawkeye enters wearing a trench coat, hat and gloves and smoking a cigarette)

Hawkeye- Good evening, thankyou all for coming. I trust you'll forgive me for disturbing you at this late hour but the time has come to unmask the gulity party, the perpetrator of this bad practical joke

Burns- We know who the guilty party is, why did you let him..

Hawkeye- Contain yourself doctor Burns, remember the old adaga me thinks he doth protest too much

Burns- Who does he think he is?

Trapper- The den man

Hawkeye- You dislike me enough to wish me transferred to another base, preferably an enemy base, let us not forget Major Houlihan, tough, ambitious yet greasy major Houlihan. Why think of only one culprit why not a pair of sweethearts in crime

Houlihan- You're sick

Hawkeye- Spearchucker, another colleague who resents me because of his consistent loses at the gaming table

Spearchucker- The man's a fruit cake

Hawkeye- And you lieutenant (Barbara) also had a motive of jealousy because I share my affections among the ladies

Barbara- You told me I was the only one

Hawkeye- Of course my legendary prowess with the fairer sex was cause for envy on the part of Dr Macintyre

Trapper- I've seen you strike out in a geisha house

Hawkeye- Still we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed. There is only one man here short enough to bathe in his own helmet (He looks at Radar)

Radar- Me, im not short

Hawkeye- Let us not overlook the possibility of a mastermind who commands others to do his bidding, right Henry

Blake- (who was asleep, jumps awake) Sign what Radar? Sorry Pierce, I think it's going very well

Hawkeye- A most perplexing riddle, calling for the most ingenious of solutions, thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime and retrieve his ill gotten booty, or his ill booten gotty, which he has done. However in so doing he has exposed himself (Burns pulls his dressing gown tight) I took the precaution of treating the stolen articles with Hydrochloricalphaterasine

Trapper- Whats hydrochloricalphaterasine?

Hawkeye- A chemical which is at this moment coloring the culprits fingernails blue

(He looks over at Ho John who immediately moves his hands from the table and sits on them. Hawkeye frowns at him)

Ho John- Look no blue

Hawkeye- Yeah I know there couldn't be I was bluffing

Trapper- Why Ho John? What did you need those things for?

Ho John- For money to bring my mother and sister from my village up north, to bribe the border guards. I didn't think anyone would miss there bits and pieces, you're all so rich and your footlocker was the safest place to hide things

Hawkeye- Why didn't you just come and ask us?

Ho John- I didn't think you'd give me bribe money, bribery is dishonest

Blake- Look Ho John if it'll help at all you can just keep the fishing reel

Houlihan- I've got other brushes

Ho John- Oh no you're all too good I can't take your things

Hawkeye- You took them before

Ho John- Ok

Trapper- Really had to twist his arm

Hawkeye- Ok now that's settlled do you have enough stuff to bring your mother and sister here?

Ho John- Oh yes because I have money too

Hawkeye- Yeah well, how much money can you have?

Ho John- 300 and almost 10 dollars

Hawkeye- Isnt that fantastic this kid only makes a couple of bucks a week, but hes been putting aside his nickels and pennies, and stealing my poker winnings

Ho John- So I could bring my other sister, and my baby brother

Trapper- Forget it there's too many of them

(They all file out of the mess tent leaving Ho John still listing his family members)

(The scene changes to the mess tent Father Mulcahy is talking to Burns and Houlihan, while Hawkeye has just sat down with a cup of coffee)

Houlihan- Oh it is, it is

Mucahy- Oh yes very definately, you see it was after he returned to the garden that he discovered that three of his apostles were missing

(They all look over at Hawkeye)

Hawkeye- Well dont look at me I didn't take them

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Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
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