The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of ANGELA PATERSON.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(The scene begins in the OR where they are once again flooded with casualties. Hawkeye is singing)

Trapper- Hawkeye, shut up will you

Spearchucker- Yeah, shut up

Hawkeye- Thankyou music lovers

Mulcahy- How's it going

Hawkeye- We're ahead on points

Burns- (To Ginger) Suture

(Hawkeye wipes his brow on Father Mulcahys jacket)

Mulcahy- The lord helps in one way or another

Burns- (To Ginger) That's cat gut

Ginger- The wound was infected I assumed you didn't want silk

Burns- Lieutenant, you're not here to assume

Blake- Frank, forget it. Carry on

Burns- Yes sir I'm, i'm working

Hawkeye- You could be arrested for loitering in front of an operating table

Burns- Colonel, did you hear that?

Blake- Pipe down Pierce

(The scene changes, Hawkeye, Trapper and Spearchucker are all coming out of the OR)

Hawkeye- Hello you beautiful day

(He grabs a passing nurse and kisses her)

Trapper- Ooh

Hawkeye- Sometimes you got to throw back some of the young ones

(Blake comes out of the OR and joins them as they walk across the compound)

Blake- You boys look a little tired

Hawkeye- Here comes our gallant leader, wasn't he great in there

Blake- Yeah, yeah, I must tell you guys that was some fancy cutting in there

Hawkeye- Thanks Henry

(Burns comes strutting after them)

Burns- Colonel

Blake- Yes Frank

Burns- Colonel I intend to file insurbordination charges against Lieutenant Ginger Bailiss

Blake- On account of a suture

Hawkeye- You're kidding doctor, and I use the term because it always gets a laugh

(Radar joins them)

Radar- Sir

Blake- Not now Radar

Hawkeye- You just keep pushing around the medical staff Frank, you see what happens

Burns- Are you threatening a superior officer

Blake- Now hold it Frank i'll be in my office in about an hour

Burns- Yes sir, Thankyou sir (He leaves)

Blake- Now i'll talk Frank out of it but you lay off him, all of you. He's a good surgeon and we need him

Radar- Colonel, sir

Blake- Pierce, one day he's gonna throw the book at you and I wont be here to help

Radar- Sir I have a message from General Hammond

Blake- Radar, don't interrupt unless it's a message from General Hammond

Radar- Yes sir (Hands him the message)

Hawkeye- Are we surrendering

Blake- (Reads note) The 4077th has now achieved a 90% efficiency rating. The best record of any medical unit operating in Korea. Congratulations on a fine performance. General Hammond

Hawkeye- You have another hit on your hands Henry

Trapper- They'll be dancing in the streets

(The scene changes to the compound where everyone is gathered. General Hammond has come to the 4077th to decorate Henry)

Hammond- A record unmatched by any other medical unit in Korea and in recognition of this splendid achievement it is now my personal pride to award to Lieutenant Colonel Blake the special citation of merit, 4th class. May I have the envelope please

Trapper- (Whispered to Hawkeye) Hey look at Henry, he looks like he's gonna have a baby

Blake- Thankyou General, thankyou. Well this comes as a complete surprise. I don't know what to say, I haven't prepared an acceptance speech (Everyone claps) No one wins an award like this on his own. You people, you great doctors and you swell gals who made this possible are just too numerous to mention. I'm mighty grateful to all of you right down to my right hand Corporal Radar O'Reilly, who incidentally is in command of this unit and just uses me as a front (He laughs although no one else does) Standing here today proud as punch I think back to the time when I first considered a career in medicine back in Bloomington, Illinois. Our family doctor (Hawkeye nods off and Trapper nudges him to wake him up) a nice old codger, who drove a touring car that had eisenglass curtains, he said to me...

Hammond- Excuse me Colonel

Blake- Excuse me Colonel

Hammond- I have one more announcement

Hawkeye- (To Trapper) There's a service charge on the award

Hammond- Colonel Blakes experience is needed elsewhere for administrative and training duties. He is being assigned to Tokyo medical headquarters effective immediately

(Hawkeye and Trapper exchange shocked glances)

(The scene changes, Radar is putting the Colonels things in a jeep while Blake is in a passionate embrace with a nurse until he sees Hawkeye and Trapper walking across the compound)

Blake- (To Leslie) Well i'll keep in touch with you on that and I know you have to go right over to OR

Leslie- Yeah (She leaves)

Hawkeye- Henry. Bon voyage (Hands him a bag)

Blake- Thankyou. Normally i'd soak this in a pale of water but as it's my last day

Hawkeye- Actually it's a prescription for your health

(Blake opens the bag and pulls out a bra)

Hawkeye- Have it filled in Tokyo

Blake- Yeah, i'll do that

Hawkeye- We're gonna miss you chief. Your fighting spirit, your litlle moods

Trapper- Your cheerful smile

Hawkeye- Your loyalty. Your gift for language

Blake- Yeah well erm...see... the truth of the matter is that, erm i'll miss you delinquants too, er, your the two finest cutters i've ever been associated with

Trapper- Well Henry I guess this is it

Blake- Yeah

Trapper- I don't know what to say

Hawkeye- Try thanks for the memory

(Burns comes across the compound carrying a big box, balancing a pile of books on top of it)

Burns- Colonel I...(He drops the books)

Hawkeye- Oh allow me Major dont want to hurt those magic fingers. What is this? (He picks up a couple of the books) Army manual, Thoughts before the battle, 1001 jokes for the officers mess, hes got everything here but Clausvits on hernias.

Burns- Give me back my books

(He snatches his books and walks towards Henrys old tent)

Trapper- Your books? Hey where's he going?

Hawkeye- He's taking his things into your house

Blake- Yeah, well, um, that's Franks quarters now

Trapper- Franks quarters. Him?

Hawkeye- (Outraged) He's our new boss

Blake- Well he's er next in command you see

(Radar comes out of Blakes tent carrying a fishing rod)

Radar- almost forgot your equiptment sir

Blake- Oh thankyou Radar, is that it?

Radar- Yes sir

Blake- Well i'll be moving along then. I know you guys are all gonna be very happy. Now look your all surgeons and this is all gonna work out fine. Why dont you just go over and make Frank feel at home

(Hawkeye and Trapper look disgusted at the idea)

Radar- Sir it's been a priviledge serving under you and I hope we see each other real soon

Blake- Yes Radar, well I...I was er...er...I er...er...crazy monkey (To dirver) Move out Sgt (He drives away)

(Burns comes out of his tent and looks at Hawkeye and Trapper)

Hawkeye- Lets get out of here

(They turn to leave)

Blake- hmhm

(They look at Burns, who raises his hand to his chest, gesturing them to salute. They stare at him, bewildered, he gestures again)

Trapper and Hawkeye- hmhm (They make the same gesture back to Frank)

(The scene changes to Burns office, Radar enters with a wad of forms)

Radar- Er, sir, here's the three copies of the mess requisition forms that you wanted for next week and also six copies of the supply room application form

Burns- Well, put them on the desk

Radar- Yes sir (He puts them on the desk and goes to leave) Goodnight sir

Burns- O'Reilly

Radar- Yes sir

Burns- Where are you going, we have work to do

Radar- Sir it's two o'clock in the morning

Burns- You're not going to bed until this office is 100% ship shape

Radar- Aye aye sir

Burns- O'Reilly I assure you all the goldbricking that went on around here under Colonel Blake is going to stop. Under my command life is going to be a different kettle of fish

Radar- You sure you're in the right branch of the service sir

Burns- Don't be snide. Give me the...

Radar- Fitness reports

Burns- Not the fitness reports, you cant anticipate what i'm thinking, im not Henry Blake.

Radar- Yes sir

Burns- I want

Radar- Efficiancy reports sir (Hands him the efficiancy reports)

Burns- The efficiancy reports. Here's tomorrows routine see that it's posted

(Hands him a piece of paper, Radar reads it and looks up at Burns)

Radar- They're not gonna like this

Burns- I disn't come here to be liked

Radar- You certainly came to the right place

(Early next morning a bugle is playing while the flag is raised. Hawkeye, Trapper and Spearchucker are all woken by the bugle)

Hawkeye- I could swear I heard a bugle. It is a bugle. Hey I think we're in the army

(Radar enters and starts shouting)

Radar- Revali has blown sirs, alright, lets look ali...

(They throw things at him so he leaves)

(Later outside in the compound everyone is doing calasthetics. They are all doing star jumps except for Hawkeye, Trapper and Spearchucker who are all sitting at the back on oil drums waving their arms until Burns walks around. Hawkeye spots him and they all join in the star jumps)

(The scene changes to the swamp where Hawkeye, Trapper and Spearchucker are all having a drink. Ho John enters)

Ho John- Hawkeye, Hawkeye, it's an emergency. Major Burns is making a surprise inspection

Trapper- An inspection?

Ho John- Yeah

Hawkeye- What's inspection?

Spearchucker- That gentlemen is something they do in the army

Hawkeye- What's that got to do with us

Trapper- Yeah

Ho John- He's coming with an aide and an MP

(Ho John leaves and they all sit down)

Hawkeye- Well we're ready if he wants to inspect a garbage dump that's up to him

(Frank, the aide and the MP enter)

Aide- Ten hut

(They all stand at attention)

Burns- Morning gentlemen, at ease

(They all sit down)

Burns- The condition of this tent is a disgrace

Trapper- Yeah well it does have that lived in look

Hawkeye- Actually it's modelled on the Chicago sewer system, we saw it in a magazine

Burns- Unshaven, out of uniform

Trapper- Yes but with a song in our hearts

Burns- Sgt put these men on report, beds unmade, personal effects in disorder, furnishings in non regulation condition

Trapper- Here, here (They toast with their martinis)

Burns- While i'm commanding officer you're not going to operate a distillery on this base. Sergeant get that still out of here

(They all jump up to guard the still)

Hawkeye- Hold it, nobody takes our gin machine

Burns- Take it out of here, that's an order

(Trapper threatens him with a fly swatter)

Trapper- You watch it buddy this thing could go off

(The MP pulls out a gun and points it at them)

He's got the drop on us tex, we cant do a thing

(They take the still and leave)

Burns- Now maybe you'll realise who's running this outfit. You straighten up and fly right or I promise you there'll be hell to pay

(He storms out followed by his aide and the MP carrying the still)

Spearchucker- He actually took our still

Trapper- He's not a nice person

Hawkeye- Gentlemen, that man has got to go, it's either him or us and that's final

Trapper- How we gonna do it? Shoot him?

Spearchucker- Stab him?

Trapper- Poison him?

Hawkeye- No no we gotta think this over, we've got to think of a careful, considered intelligent thought

Trapper- Ok

Hawkeye- Then we'll shoot him, stab him, or poison him

(The scene changes to the compound where a group of people including, Hawkeye, Trapper, Spearchucker and Ugly John are coming out of the OR, they walk across the compound)

Hawkeye- Alright it's very simple we just have to figure out a plan for the destruction of one of our colleagues, Major Frank Burns, US Army, Surgeon and rat. Any ideas?

Trapper- Well we could get hold of some orders, forge the generals signature and send him back to the states

Hawkeye- No that's no good, they'd send him right back here

Trapper- It would work for a while

Ugly John- Hey Hawk, how do you feel about arsenic?

Hawkeye- Lets try to avoid the more obvious cliches alright, we need something more basic

Corpsman- Why dont we push him in front of a chopper when the blades go on

Trapper- Yeah we haven't had a good decapitation in a long time

Hawkeye- Its crude, very crude but I like it. Lets table the beheading for the time being. What else you got?

Ugly John- Hey look. Tell him he's got a hot appendix

Hawkeye- Yeah

Ugly John- Get him on the table

Hawkeye- Yeah

Ugly John- Ill give him an anaesthetic

Hawkeye- Yeah

Ugly John- And er, and that's it

Spearchucker- You're not a very creative person, hey John

Ugly John- Never claimed to be

(Radar joins them)

Radar- I have a question

Hawkeye- Radar has a question (To Radar) What, what is it?

Radar- After we get rid of Major Burns then what?

Hawkeye- That's an important point, you know that

Trapper- Yeah, you know they could send out a surgeon who's even more gun ho than Frank

(They all go into the mess tent and sit down)

Spearchucker- Might be, he wont even be a surgeon. Could be some dermatologist with pull in war department

Hawkeye- Alright, so what's the answer?

Trapper- I don't know, what is the answer?

Hawkeye- You know what the answer is. Henry

Trapper, Spearchucker and Ugly John- (In unison) Henry

Hawkeye- Think about it, when were all of us really happy here

Trapper- When the nurses were new

Hawkeye- We were happy when Henry was in command, he understood us and we understood him

Spearchucker- Sure, he was one of us

Trapper- You'd insult a man behind his back

Hawkeye- We had a mature grown up relationship, we had him by the throat

Radar- That's right

Ugly John- So why would Henry let himself be transferred back here

Hawkeye- Ego

Trapper- Ego?

Hawkeye- Ego, basic desire, we all have it, we need it. Look i've got an idea but I need a couple of passes to Tokyo

(Radar pulls a wad of passes out of his pocket)

Radar- Ok lets see what we got, hardship leave, sister pregnant

Hawkeye- You don't see many of those anymore

Radar- Transfer to Germany

Trapper- Hey you got a bacon, lettuce and tomato on rye, hold the mayo

Radar- Two passes to Tokyo, should have looked under T in the first place

(Hawkeye takes the passes from Radar)

Hawkeye- Gentlemen with these I promise peace in our time

(The scene changes, we get a shot of Tokyo, then cut to Blake in an indoor pool getting a massage from a Japanese woman who is in the pool with him)

Blake- Fantastic. Chocho you are one of the great soap artists

Chocho- Thanyou

Blake- You people really have some fun type customs

(Hawkeye and Trappers heads suddenly pop up out of the water)

Hawkeye- Mind if we swim through

Blake- Oh I thought you guys had drowned

Trapper- No just resting on the bottom

Blake- That's what we're all doing, just resting on the bottom

Hawkeye- There's that fabulous sense of humour again

Trapper- Yeah Henry, we missed it

Blake- Yeah, how are things going back at the ranch

Trapper- Well kind of slow right now

Hawkeye- That's why we forged a couple of passes

Trapper- Did you know Franks signature is almost as easy to copy as yours

Blake-hmmm

Hawkeye- Well you certainly seem to be suffering here Henry

Blake- I give my three lectures a week, then my time's my own. I don't exactly sit around in my room playing the kazu

Hawkeye- Pleasures of the flesh Henry

Trapper- After all Henry you deserve all this, you built a great surgical unit

Hawkeye- No matter what Frank Burns is doing to it

Trapper- Who cares that morale is down to zero and everybody's beginning to hate each other

Hawkeye- Who cares about the ninety percent efficiency rating, now down to 32

Blake- Well that's war

(The scene changes, Blake is having a massage. A japanese girl is walking on his back, while Hakweye and Trapper are sitting next to him)

Blake- Oh by George, thats feels good. (To Hawkeye) I tell you this little ladies got golden feet (To Masseuce) Honey hit that scapular real hard will yah i've got some calcium deposits back there

Hawkeye- Ok will you stop groaning for a minute and listen

Blake- I have been listening and you still dont make sense. I'm not going back to that rat hole

Trapper- What about the people you left back in that rat hole, huh

Hawkeye- Yeah your friends, people who love you

Blake- Oh come on men, all the time I was up there I slept with a loaded gun under my pillow, I'd have been safer in north Korea

Hawkeye- Henry have you even given one single thought to Leslie

Blake- (To masseuce) Oh hunny take it easy on the pelvic girdle, i've only got one of those you know

Hawkeye- You know since you left Leslie has been a basket case

Blake- Ok i'll send her an OP coat or one of those hand painted fans

Trapper- Henry, you trying to buy your way out of that relationship

Hawkeye- Yeah

Blake- Ok ill send her a dear Jane letter alright but I stay here

(The scene changes to Henrys lodgings, Hawkeye, Trapper and Blake are all eating dinner in the traditional way, on the floor, whilst being entertained by two women in full Japanese dress singing. An older woman enters)

Blake- Mummasan, These kids have real talent, they're terrific, how about another blast of that saki

(She pours him some saki and leaves)

Trapper- Henry, how can we change your mind

Blake- You can't, now look we came here to have a good time so lets have it, that's an order. Try the agos it's terrific

Hawkeye- No I think i'll just stick with the seaweed sandwich

(The phone rings, The older woman reenters and answers it)

Mama- Ok you speak, me speak

Blake- You speak, me speak, i'll get it, let me have that

(Blake takes the phone)

Blake- Hello there. Colonel Blake speaking, Leslie

Hawkeye- Right on time

Blake- How are you?

(Leslie back in Radars office)

Leslie- I'm ok except for missing a certain Lieutenant Colonel who shall be nameless. And you?

Blake- Fine, fine, working very hard of course

Leslie- Henry is Hawkeye with you he said he might be

Blake- Yeah sure (To Hawkeye) Pierce, Leslie

Hawkeye- For me?

Blake- Yeah

Hawkeye- Must be trouble

(Hawkeye takes the phone from Blake)

Hawkeye- Yeah Leslie, what's happening?

Leslie- Hi just a minute (She passes the phone to Radar)

Radar- Hi, this is the call you wanted right, where I got one foot on the grave and the other on a banana peel

Hawkeye- Oh yeah

Radar- Hey listen I hope I don't have to come up with any fake symptoms, I got a weak stomach

Hawkeye- Oh the white counts up huh

Radar- We had SOS again for lunch

Hawkeye- He can't hold food down

Radar- Just missed the four o'clock barf

Hawkeye- Alright tell Spearchucker to get some blood chemistries and start an IV we'll be right there (He puts the phone down) Get your shoes on we got to get back. Got a tough case Henry. Diagnostic problem. Abdominal pain, elevated white count, they can't nail it down

Trapper- His white count's up

Hawkeye- Yeah it's bad

Trapper- That's alright, Radar's strong

Hawkeye- You dummy cant you keep your mouth shut

Blake- Radar!

Trapper- Sorry

Hawkeye- Yeah your sorry now

Blake- Hey wait a minute, you talking about Radar

Hawkeye- I didn't want to tell you I know how much he means to you

Blake- (Angry) You didn't want to tell me what

Hawkeye- well about a week ago he developed symptoms, abdominal cramps, chills, high fever

Trapper- Listen Henry if it goes bad could you write the letter

Hawkeye- Yeah you're about his only real friend in Korea

Trapper- You know nothing elaborate he comes from those kind of people

Hawkeye- Yeah we'll give you a report as soon as we know something

(They get up to leave, Blake stops them)

Blake- Wait a minute, you think i'm gonna sit around here and wait for that kid to cash in. I was the best diagnostician in Bloomington, we're getting out of here. Call the airport, reserve a chopper, use my name, priority one, lets move

(The scene changes, a chopper is seen landing on the heli pad at the 4077th. Cut to post op where Radar's sitting on the side of a bed reading a comic. Spearchucker enters)

Spearchucker- The chopper just landed

Radar- I know

Spearchucker- Lay down

Radar- Ok ok

Spearchucker- You know what to do

(He lays down and takes off his glasses)

Spearchucker- You've got to lay it on him now ok

(Blake, Trapper and Hawkeye enter)

Blake- How'e he doing? (To Radar) Hi fella

Radar- Is that you mum?

Blake- It's your Colonel son, relax. Where do you hurt?

Radar- My gut

Blake- Well, lets have a look. We're gonna get you well Radar

(Blake feels Radars stomach)

Blake- That hurt

Radar- Aahh

Blake- That

Radar- Ow

(Blake touches him and Radar yelps in pain)

Hawkeye- Whatever he's got it's spreading

(Burns enters)

Burns- Oh Colonel Blake I just heard you were here sir and I (Spots Radar) What's that man doing in bed?

Trapper- He's sick

Burns- Sick. I saw him eat a quart of ice cream at lunch

Radar- I didn't know what I was doing

Burns- He's got to be goldbricking. We've had a lot of that lately. Out of bed, back to the office and finish filling out those reports

Hawkeye- Mans inhumanity to man again

Blake- Frank I'm examining this patient

Burns- Oh sorry Henry not until you sign a transient medic form

Blake- Do me a favour, stuff it

Burns- And i'll need you initials on visiting physician in a combat zone

Blake- Stuff that too. Ok prep this man for OR

Hawkeye and Trapper- What?

Blake- Gonna do an exploratory on him

Hawkeye- Operate on him

Radar- Operate on him!

Burns- Henry listen, lets do some more studies, enzymes, abdominal Xrays, the works, find out where were going

Trapper- Yeah I agree with Frank. I think we should test him

Hawkeye- Yeah for a week or so, maybe longer

Blake- This kids got severe abdominal pain with rigidity, now it could be a perferated ulcer. I'm going in, who wants to assist

Trapper- Henry, I think you better slow down

Blake- Look, i'll know the story five minutes after I open him up

 

Radar- He's gonna open me

Hawkeye- You'll be fine

(Blake walks over to the nurses station, Trapper, Hawkeye and Burns follow him)

Burns- Now Henry i'm in command here and nobody does an exploratory without my ok

Blake- I'll explore anybody I want to

Burns- You back off, this happens to be my responsibility

Blake- Stay out of my way Frank or i'll have you busted down to male nurse

(Blake crosses the room followed by Burns and Hawkeye who tries to keep the peace)

Hawkeye- Now come on fellas, be nice

Burns- This is my outfit and I make the decisions

Blake- Your outfit, I built this outfit. When we came over that hill we didn't even have a bedpan to our names

Burns- Well there's not going to be any operation and if you don't like it you can call General Hammond

Blake- Well I might just do that

(Radar sits up and puts his glasses on)

Radar- You want me to call General Hammond for you sir

Blake- Yeah do that

(Radar jumps out of bed and goes to the phone to place the call)

Blake- See if Ugly John's available even if he isn't pull him away from whatever or whoever he's doing and tell him that i've got a...

(He stops in his tarcks when he realises what Radar is doing. When Radar realises Blake's looking at him, he stops trying to call the General and sits down)

Radar- (Half heartedly) Oh the pain

Burns- (Laughing) Well look at that he was goldbricking

(Hawkeye and Trapper look in in dismay)

Blake- Radar, are you sick?

Radar- Well I feel a lot better than I did

Hawkeye- Now I don't feel so good

Trapper- Lets get some air

Blake- Nobody move. Now what is going on here? Pierce, Macintyre, Jones, somebody talk to me

Hawkeye- Ok Atilla the hun was pushing us around playing soldier so we tried to get you back in the front office

Blake- So you made Radar fake an illness

Hawkeye- Yeah, well it was intended to make you feel needed. It's all very psychiatric

Blake- The word is crazy

Burns- I'll get the MP's then you can try being psychiatric in the stockade

Hawkeye- Oh fine and after we're gone you can rolerskate from table to table and do all the surgery by yourself

Blake- He's right, put the phone down

Burns- Henry as commanding officer, I...

Blake- Correction you were the commanding officer, i'm taking over as of now

(Hawkeye, Trapper and Spearchucker are ecstatic)

Trapper- Hey

Hawkeye- Welcome back

Blake- I'll fix it with General Hammond

(Burns is furious)

Burns- This is outrageous

Trapper- Frank, if I were you i'd quit the army

(He storms out)

Hawkeye- Welcome back Henry

Blake- What am I going to do for massages around here

Hawkeye- Oh i'll be glad to walk all over you

Blake- I'm sure you will

(The scene changes to the swamp where Hawkeye, Radar, Trapper and Spearchucker are playing poker. Blake enters)

Hawkeye- Hey, pull up a chair Henry

Blake- Ten hut

Hawkeye- Ten hut, from Henry

Spearchucker- You better knock it off Hawkeye

Hawkeye- I've just never heard him say that before

Blake- Well you better get used to it because i'm back in command now and you tow the line, understood all of you and no more horsing around, understood.

Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar, Spearchucker- Yes sir

Blake- Good, good now you know where you stand, any questions

Hawkeye- Yes sir

Blake- Well what is it, speak up man

Hawkeye- Can I buy you a drink big boy san

Blake- Look I just got through...(Hawkeye gives him the puppy dog eyes) Well maybe a little one

(Hawkeye passes him martini, he sits down and they continue the game.

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Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
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