The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of ANGELA PATERSON.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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(The scence begins with a helicopter landing on the pad)

Announcer- Attention, attention, choppers arriving on the pad, we've got another delivery from the cowboy

(Radar pulls op with an ambulance. The chopper pilot (The Cowboy) gets out of the chopper and collapses. Radar runs over to him to discover he's been shot. Radar runs to the swamp where Hawkeye is asleep)

Radar- Hawkeye, Hawkeye

Hawkeye- I'm gonna coun to one and then you better be out of here

Radar- Sir I hate to wake you

Hawkeye- How would you like me to take out your tonsils through your ear

Radar- You're needed in surgery

Hawkeye- That figures ten minutes sleep a week ought to be enough for anybody. I'd give anything to see the inside of my eyelids

Radar- Cowboy just got back from another run

Hawkeye- Doesn't that guy ever sleep

Radar- He will now, he's been hit in the shoulder

Hawkeye- Get us some coffee

Radar- Anything else

Hawkeye- Yeah two blondes, sunny side up

(The scene changes to the OR where they are once again swamped with casualties)

Mulcahy- Not the cowboy again

Hawkeye- Same guy, different shoulder. I'm thinking of putting in zippers

Mulcahy- Will he be alright

Hawkeye- Unless somebody shoots him in here

Trapper- (Operating on the next table) What do you think Father, should I sign it?

Mulcahy- Is this the one the cowboy brought in?

Trapper- Yeah, he lost a lot of blood

Mulcahy- (Checks the patients dogtags) Goldstein. Think he'd mind. Vishu bera cabu senu abraham yitsu piachof verapaya schlima Goldstein

(Hawkeye and Trapper look at each other)

Hawkeye- Funny, he doesn't look it

Mulcahy- Amen

Trapper- Whatever you say Father

(Post op, Hawkeye's doing his rounds. One patient has bandages on both legs)

Hawkeye- I see the mark of the mad butcher. How do they feel?

Patient- They hurt like hell

Hawkeye- Well then I'll just cancel your tango lessons

Patient- Serious doc, what do you think of my legs?

Hawkeye- Well i'm a fanny man myself but im sure you'll be walking around in two weeks

Patient- Ah, that's great

Hawkeye- We do quality work here

(He walks over to the cowboy)

Hawkeye- Well cowboy, the indians struck again

Cowboy- Shoot, i've been hurt worse rolling a cigarette. When do I get out of here?

Hawkeye- A few days. Can I get you anything?

Cowboy- Would you check on the mail i've been expecting a letter

Hawkeye- I think the pony express has been through already. Something wrong>

Cowboy- Could be but it aint nothing I can fix from here. Is this thing bad enoug I can get sent home, even for a little while

Hawkeye- I'll see what I can do

(Hawkeye gets up and leaves)

(The scene changes to the compound where Trapper and a nurse are in a jeep and Burns is standing in front of them. Burns and Trapper are arguing)

Trapper- Come on Frank, out of the way

Burns- You're not going anywhere in that Macintyre. This jeep is the property of the United States Army in general and Colonel Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties there of and nothing else

Trapper- Frank you're sucking around to become a hit and run case. Move!

Burns- Over my dead body

Trapper- Great idea

Burns- I dare you

Trapper- Now listen Frank

Burns- Yeah

Trapper- I have just completed three straight days of surgery and this nurse and I are going out to do some nature studies. So if you don't want to become a hood ornament you better move

(Blake enters)

Blake- What's going on here? What's all the gab?

Burns- Colonel this man is about to pilfer your jeep

Blake- Is that right Macintyre?

Trapper- No sir, I wasn't pilfering I was stealing

Blake- Havent I got enough problems without...

(Radar interrupts them)

Radar- Sir

Blake- Not now Radar (To Trapper) Now I assume you've got a good reason for wanting the jeep

Burns- He has not

Blake- I'm talking to him

Radar- Sir

Blake- No. (To Trapper) Macintyre

Trapper- Look Henry it's my curveball it's hanging. wont come in over the plate. This here's my pitching coach (He points to the nurse in the jeep) She may not look it but she's already sorted out my screwball. Shes got real stuff

Blake- Nurse, out, disenjeep and you Captain will have to find another means of transportation I am not running a personal taxi service here

Burns- Haha

Blake- Knock it off Burns

Radar- Sir

Blake- (To a corpsman picking up litter) Police that butt soldier

Radar- Sir you wanted to sign this

Blake- I dont want to sign anything, you sign it

(Radar signs it)

Radar- Sir would you sign that I signed

(Blake signs it)

Blake- I'll sign that

(The scene changes to Blakes office. Hawkeye is in Blakes chair with his feet up on the desk, Blake enters)

Blake- Comfy

Hawkeye- Hey you got a minute Henry

Blake- Oh yeah I got a lot of minutes and each ones worse than the one before

(Hawkeye takes his feet off the desk)

Blake- Dont get up, let me just pretend that your in charges of this nut house

Hawkeye- I got a problem

Blake- Who si she?

Hawkeye- (Hands Blake an Xray) The cowboys Xray, we cleaned a mess of shrapnel out from his shoulder. I think we should give him a ticket state side

Blake- Doesn't look all that serious

Hawkeye- Yeah but I think he's got something at home that is

Blake- Well who doesn't. I mean I left a going practice and a wife with a fistful of credit cards, excuse me

(Blake goes and sits down at his desk)

Hawkeye- Come on Henry show me there's a heart underneath that dusty tshirt

Blake- Not this time Pierce

Hawkeye- Hes going to be very unhappy

Blake- Well you know I dont remember the draught board promising any of us a lot of laughs

Hawkeye- Then your final word is no

Blake- Either that or goodbye, its multiple choice

(The scene changes to the swamp, Trapper is making himself a drink when Hawkeye enters)

Hawkeye- What are you foing here?

Trapper- Catching up on my sulking

Hawkeye- I thought you had a date with a nurse

Trapper- Two, one for this afternoon, one for tonight, the seasons first double hit. Game called on account of Henry, took away my wheels (Passes Hawkeye a drink) taste that

Hawkeye- He just turned me down on letting Cowboy go home

Trapper- I think hes gone sour on us

Hawkeye- Maybe he needs some relaxation, this place is eating away his brain, which I grant you is only an hor'deuvre

(The scene changes to outside the compound. A sign says "M*A*S*H* Country club Golf Links". Hawkeye and Blake are carrying clubs while Ho John is acting as the caddy)

Hawkeye- Ok Henry you may have the honour

Blake- Which way's the course

Hawkeye- Out there (Hawkeye points) Trapper and I laid this out ourselves. This is the first hole and you see that flag out there

Blake- Uhuh

Hawkeye- (Hands Blake a pair of binoculars) at about three o'clock (The flag is actually a bra)

Blake- Pretty far away, isn't it

Hawkeye- Its a par 29 course. The minefields are out of bounds on the left and the chinese communists are out of bounds on the right

Blake- Why dont you hit first

Hawkeye- You're the boss

(He swings)

Blake- Nice ball

Hawkeye- Balls ok yeah

Blake- Swings a little strange but the ball looked good

(Blake takes his swing)

Hawkeye- Terrific, very nice Henry, very good

(They walk off towards their balls)

Blake- What do you think I ought to use from here

Hawkeye- I think you ought to use all you got

Blake- Oh yeah, how far is it?

Hawkeye- From this bush about half a mile

Blake- Ho John give me a two wood please. You know Pierce this is a really great idea

Hawkeye- Thats the only kind I got

Blake- I'm really starting to unwind

Hawkeye- That's great

(Blake goes to take a swing but someone starts shooting, shooting his golfball. They all dive for cover under a bush

Blake- What the hell was that?

Hawkeye- I dont know but you'll have to take a stroke

Blake- But I cant even find my ball

Hawkeye- Then that's two strokes

Blake- I dont see anything

Hawkeye- Maybe it was a sniper

Blake- Coming from the camp

Hawkeye- Maybe a ricochet. Shall we continue?

Blake- No, no i'll conceed the hole and the game and maybe the whole day

Hawkeye- Oh lets not quit Henry we're out here for your nerves

Blake- We can leave, I got em

(The scene changes to Blakes tent at night. Blake has just gone to bed when a jeep can be heard starting up. There's no one behind the wheel of the jeep as it drives straight into Blakes tent. Radar comes running out in his pyjamas when he hears the crash)

Radar- Colonel

(A crowd gathers as Blake emerges from the wreckage of his tent)

Blake- Jeep, through my tent

Mulcahy- What did he say?

Blake- Jeep, tent, through

Radar- A jeep must have rolled loose and broke through his tent

Mulcahy- He might have been killed

(Radar helps Blake to his feet)

Radar- Come on sir i'll fix you up, come on sir

Blake- Jeep, tent, crash, kill

Radar- Jeep, crash, kill yes sir

Blake- Jeep

Radar- Jeep

Blake- Tent, through, kiill

Radar- Through kill

Blake- Jeep crash tent

Radar-Tent

Blake- Boom

(The scene changes to the swamp where Hawkeye and Trapper are drinking, Blake enters)

Blake- Ok Trapper dont think I dont know what you think I dont know

Trapper- (To Hawkeye) Would you translate that please

Blake- You wouldn't be the first man in the army who tried to kill his commanding officer

Trapper- Steady Henry, your glue is melting

Blake- Just because I wouldn't let you use my jeep

Hawkeye- Wait a minute Henry, Trapper may be insane but he's not crazy

Blake- Oh yeah, where were you this afternoon Macintyre

Trapper- In the supply tent doing a hundred yard dash with a nurse

Blake- What about tonight where were you tonight when that jeep went through my quarters

Trapper- When the want went through your where

Hawkeye- He was right here

Blake- Oh yeah and just where is here

Hawkeye- Here is where we are

Blake- Oh this here here

Trapper- Henry are you alright

Blake- Alright, tent smashed

Hawkeye- You can sleep here tonight

Blake- Jeep, tent, Boom

Hawkeye- Come over here and lie down

(Still dazed he walks out mumbling to himself)

Trapper- Does Henrt have an enemy?

Hawkeye- Doesn't sound like the work of a friend, I think we better keep an eye on him

Trapper- Now

Hawkeye- I dont think hes got a later. Come on

(They leave the swamp to go find Blake)

Hawkeye- Why dont you go check in the office

Trapper- Right

(Trapper goes to Blakes office while Hawkeye continues to walk through the compound. There is a loud explosion, Hawkeye is knocked off his feet. Another explosion  and the walls of the latrine fall down. Radar and Trapper come running. Blake stands in the middle of the debris with a toilet seat around his neck, clearly in shock, whilst toilet paper floats down around him)

Hawkeye- I found him

Blake- Boom!

(The scene changes to Blakes office where Blake is looking through some files)

Blake- Radar! Radar!

(The phone rings, Blake answers it)

Blake- Hello

Radar- Its me Colonel

Blake- Who?

Radar- Radar, Radar O'Reilly

Blake- Where are you?

Radar- here sir in your outer office

(He appears at the window in the door seperating the two rooms)

Blake- Well what are you doing out there?

Radar- No offence sir but i've got this thing about living

Blake- Did you fill out the fitness reports?

Radar- Yes sir

Blake- Well bring them in so I can sign them

Radar- Ye sir. Goodbye sir

Blake- Goodbye

(They put the phone down. A clicking noise can be heard. Radar has attached the reports to a fishing rod and reels them over to Blake. Blake signs them and Radar reels them back in. The phone rings again, Blake answers it)

Blake- Yeah

Radar- Will that be all sir

(The scene changes to post op where Father Mulcahy is handing out the mail)

Mulcahy- Wintworth (Hands him his letter) Nurse Baker) Hands her her letter

Baker- Thankyou

Mulcahy- Pierce (Hands him his letter) Mulcahy (Puts his letter in his pocket) Goldstein

Goldstein- Here

Mulcahy- And Sullivan

(The cowboy is left without any mail)

Hawkeye- Dont worry it'll get here

Cowboy- One week  and she aint written

Hawkeye- You're welocome to mine it's an invitation to a great party last month

Cowboy- Shes probably off with some rodeo rider. She's a sucker for a ten gallon hat (He takes out his gun and begins to play with it) If I could just get home. You ever seen any snakes Hawkeye

Hawkeye- Not while im sober

Cowboy- i could shoot the eyes of a rattler at fefty feet, going at full gallop. Course the army has its own kinda snakes, dont it

(The scene changes to the mess tent. Blake enters, everyone sees him and leaves. He begins to walk towards the cook but he stops him)

Cook- Thats far enough sir. You ready for dinner

Blake- fix those chops for me

Cook- Stuffed them specially

(The cook carries his plate over to the table and then backs away from him)

Cook- Here you go sir

(Hawkeye and Trapper enter just as Blake's about to eat. They sit down next to him)

Blake- Arent you guys afraid of sitting with me?

Hawkeye- Nah, we figure your safe in daylight

Blake- That's very encouraging

Trapper- You sure that food's alright (Just as Blakes about to take his first bite)

Blake- Huh. You dont think someone

Trapper- Let me taste it for yah huh

(Trapper takes the plate)

Hawkeye- We're worried about you

Blake- Welcome to the club

Hawkeye- Do you realise that if anything happens to you Frank Burns takes over

Blake- Boy you unselfishness is touching

Hawkeye- Listen we figured the best thing for you to do is clear out for a while

Blake- Walk away from my post

Hawkeye- No, run away from your post, you're taking a big chance hanging around here and your driving morale right into the ground

Blake- Well there are a few thing I could do down in Seoul

Hawkeye- You pack up your gear and i'll get somebody to drive you

(Trapper hands him back his plate)

Trapper- Here you are Henry, nothing wrong with it

(Blake smiles until he looks down at his plate to see that Trapper has eaten it all. Hawkeye and Trapper leave before he can say anything)

(The scene changes to Blakes office where Blake is handing command over to Burns. H egingerly opens his desk draw)

Blake- Now you'll find a set of master keys, see em

Burns- Uh huh

Blake- Radar has duplicates in the company safe

Burns- Oh dont worry about a thing sir i'll have this place back into shape in not time

Blake- Who said this place is out of shape. Don't drive everybody nuts Frank. No snap inspections, do you understand, and no parades

Burns- Well thats not a very military attitude

Blake- Listen Frank, the only thing GI about me is my athletes foot. You just keep this hospital running

Burns- Yes sir

Blake- (Walks over to the filing cabinet, gingerly) Now er over here is the duty rosts (Carefully opens drawer) See em

Burns- uh huh

Blake- And in here are you transmitter codes (Quickly opens and closes the drawer) See em

Burns- Uh huh

Blake- This, well this bottom drawer is filled with personal stuff and there's no sense opening that, now it will just be a few days im sure everything will be fine. Well its all yours

(Blake throws the keys onto his chair and the chair blows up. He look terrified)

(The scene changes to outside in the compound where Blake is standing by a jeep waiting for a driver. He walks over to the swamp where Trapper is pouring a martini)

Blake- Hey, where's Hawkeye, I feel like a sitting duck out there

Trapper- He's trying to find you a driver, there's not too many camacasi types around here

(The cowboy enters and taps Blake on the shoulder, he jumps)

Cowboy- Words out you're taking off Colonel

Blake- Just a few days down in Seoul

Cowboy- Well that jeep would take you half a day I could fly you down there in no time

Trapper- You strong enough to fly?

Cowboy- I thought we'd do it by helicopter

Blake- That's great, great

Cowboy- Lets go (The cowboy leaves)

Blake- Hey Trapper would you believe me if I said I was gonna miss you

Trapper- No

Blake- Smart fella. Thanks for all your help

Trapper- Have fun Henry

(The scene changes to post op where Hawkeye and Trapper are searching someones bag)

Hawkeye- I smelled the gunpowder, its pretty hard not too. Then I found the wiring and the alarm clock bits

(They pull wires, dynamite and alarm clock bits out of the bag)

Trapper- Cowboys in the booby trap business

Hawkeye- We better find him and Henry

Trapper- I'm afraid I know where they are

(Blake and the Cowboy are up in the chopper. The Cowboy's wearing a parachute but Blake isnt)

Cowboy- You comfy Colonel

Blake- Most comfortable i've been in days

Cowboy- Good, very good you just sit back and relax

Blake- Say shoudnt I have a parachute too

Cowboy- You dont need one sir, it'll only break your fall

Blake- That's not funny

Cowboy- Neither was your not letting me go home

(Back at camp Hawkeye and Trapper are trying to work the radio when Radar enters with a letter)

Radar- Hawkeye

Hawkeye- Not now Radar

Trapper- Ok its hot

Hawkeye- Start sending

Radar- Sir

Hawkeye- Will you get lost

Radar- You told me to keep an eye out for this, its a letter for the Cowboy

(Hawkeye, ecstatic kisses Radar on the forehead)

Hawkeye- If you were any taller i'd kiss you on the lips

Trapper- (Over the radio) Purple rider, purple rider, come in purple rider. Can you read me?

(Blake and the Cowboy are fighting)

Blake- You're gonna get us both killed Cowboy, this is crazy

Trapper- Purple rider. Come on Cowboy I know you can hear me

Blake- We can here yah. Talk to them

Cowboy- I will as soon as your gone

Trapper- Cowboy, you got the letter from home

Cowboy- (Over the radio) Nice try Trapper

Trapper- We're not jiving you Cowboy

Cowboy- What's the name on the letter?

Hawkeye- Mrs Jean Hodges

Trapper- Jean isnt that your wifes name, Jean?

Cowboy- Right, what's the address

Hawkeye- Box 743 (Covers the microphone, whispers to Trapper) Reno. Goodbye Henry

Cowboy- I cant hear you

Trapper- It might say Reno but we really can't tell

Cowboy- Reno, thats right, thats where I live

Blake- What a lovely town

Trapper- Cowboy, how's Colonel Blake? Henry are you alright?

Blake- Im in real trouble

Cowboy- Come on open it up lets hear it

(Hawkeye opens the letter and hands it to Trapper who looks, shocked hands it back to Hawkeye. Hawkeye reads over the radio)

Hawkeye- Dear... John

Cowboy- Go on thats my real name

Blake- Dear John from Reno

Hawkeye- Sometimes when you're away from someone you thought you loved you find yourself tested, by being tempted, that's what happened to me, dear, dear John

Radar- Oh wow a double Dear John

Hawkeye- I was tempted and I didn't want to write until i knew whether id passed the test. If I say I love you more than ever will it tell you how I did and that im completely worthy of the most wonderful guy in the world. (The cowboy has tears in his eyes) Cowboy!

Blake- Lets go home Cowboy, lets go home

(He turns the chopper around and heads back to the camp.)

(Hawkeye and Trapper are in the swamp later that evening pouring martinis when Blake enters)

Blake- Hi guys

Trapper- Hi Henry

Hawkeye- Just in time for the cocktail hour, pull up an olive

Blake- Good, good (Hands Hawkeye a letter) From the Cowboy, base hospital in Lakeland. It was a classic combination of combat fatigue and worry. He'll be ok. His wife joined him and he's going home for a months leave

Hawkeye- I do like a happy ending

Trapper- Tell us the truth Henry, were you scared up there with the Cowboy

Blake- Me, I know how to take care of myself

Trapper- Just asking Henry, Just asking

(A jeep backfires out in the compound, Blake jumps and spills his martini all over Trapper. Hawkeye is in histerice

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Transcribed by ANGELA PATERSON for http://www.twiztv.com
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